All We Are
by sarahqq
Summary: Edward is no doubt one cryptic guy. The star volleyball player of Forks High School, he's hot, blunt, and popular, but there's something about him that goes much deeper than that. Then comes new student Bella Swan, shy and naive, who doesn't know what hits her until he takes her heart. It's a numbing, consuming, not-so-typical romance of two teens who want very different things.
1. Prologue

**DISCLAIMER for the entire story: All recognizable elements in this story do not belong to me!**

Hey, guys! This is just a quick A/N, but I'd really appreciate it if you take your time to read this.

One of my readers recommended All We Are for Fic of the Week over at The Lemonade Stand. It's a weekly poll, and is open for only two more days! Please show me – and Edward and Bella in this story, haha – some love. **Help me get this fic out through, by means such as tweeting and updating statuses on FB.** Remember, there's a banner for this fic, which you can find in my profile!

I'm really excited and am so, so grateful of this. It's humbling, and I profusely thank the one who nominated this story.

**You can vote for All We Are on the main page of The Lemonade Stand (the address is, tehlemonadestand. net but remember to delete the space between the period and "net") on the poll on the side bar.**

Thanks for all you do. I will update my story with a new chapter in a few days!

See you soon, and love you all!

Sarah

* * *

><p><strong>PROLOGUE<strong>

* * *

><p>"Everyone likes him, and I mean <em>everyone. <em>Even the guys!"

"He dates only older girls, though."

"He's _super_ gorgeous. Just one look at that smile…"

All the girls had squealed just at the mention of his name. But I had laughed at them.

"Who is this perfect guy?" I had asked. "Does he even exist?"

"Edward Cullen!"

And that was when I realized that Edward Cullen was _that_ guy in my new school.

I'd told them so.

"Wait till you see him," they'd warned me.

So apparently, he was something different.

And apparently, he was.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>This is just the beginning :)


	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE**

* * *

><p>"How are your classes, honey?"<p>

"Mom, I have no hearing problems," I moaned as I deliberately pulled my phone a good three inches away from my ear. "Please don't yell."

"What?" she yelled anyway. "I can't hear you!"

I rolled my eyes, but my lips were smiling. It was so typical of her.

"What time is it there in Washington?" she shouted again.

"Same time as Phoenix, Mom. Lunch just started."

"Oh!" She giggled nervously. "Is school all right?"

"Yep," I mumbled just as I narrowly ducked a football. Two guys in the distance shouted sorry at me, and I nodded back absentmindedly. "Teachers are cool."

"Good! That's… really good."

She sounded overly, predictably enthusiastic, and I kind of felt the strange need to laugh out loud.

Two weeks ago, my mom chose to live with her new boyfriend over me.

But hearing the anxiety in her voice, I was comforted by the fact that at the very least, she wasn't totally apathetic about having shipped her daughter off to live with the ex-husband in the depressing little town called Forks. She was making an effort. I could give her that.

"Did you make friends?" I heard her say.

"Um." I scratched my head. "Sort of?"

Against all expectations, there were actually quite a few friendly people who tried to make small talk, but a girl named Jessica Stanley stood out in my memory.

She was… nice. But the first thing she asked me to do – ordered me to do, actually – was to spill about my life back in Arizona. The second thing? Well, all she talked about was boys.

"It depends on how you look at it…" I heard ruffling on the other side of the line. "Mom? You there?"

"Woopsie! Sorry, honey. I'm trying to cook something for Phil, but I can't find that Indian spice we bought in Singapore last year…" More ruffling. "Are classes hard?"

"Second cupboard on your left from the sink. It's in that yellow container grandma gave us," I cut in automatically. I sighed when my mom exclaimed in triumph. "Well, it's only my first day here, but I already have a whole lot to catch up on… OW!"

I hobbled forward, startled because something had hit me hard. Flustered and slightly embarrassed, I picked up my phone from the ground where I dropped it, and looked up to find a stocky, blond boy running up in my direction.

"Shit, sorry," he apologized as he picked up the object that hit me – a volleyball. He looked over his shoulder and yelled, "Ball control, Cullen!"

I was annoyed, but he seemed genuine enough. Before the boy turned back to me, I scurried off.

* * *

><p>My refuge was the school gym, and I spent the rest of lunch there.<p>

"Four more laps, folks. Four more laps!" the gym teacher bellowed.

A bunch of poor little freshmen wheezed past me in that second, as I witnessed their labor. It wasn't very fun to watch but I had nowhere to go.

"I seriously need to go get a life," I told myself, sighing.

I checked the time.

Two more classes to go.

I sighed again.

I couldn't wait to go home.

Although school was never fun to begin with, being the new kid in a new school was even worse.

I missed home so much. I missed Arizona… the sunlight, old school, friends…

My phone beeped, and I was both surprised and impressed that it still worked after such a hit. The screen now sported a crack on the screen and everything.

_What happened? I lost connection! Call me ASAP! -Mom_

Even as the screen darkened, I could not take my eyes off it. I missed mom. And I really, really hated Phil.

_I'm fine. Class starting. I'll call tonight. Love you. -Bella_

Message Sent Successfully.

At least my phone still worked.

* * *

><p>On top of my first-day-of-school anxiety, as if the slight panic settling in me wasn't enough, the thick humidity in the air was making it even harder for me to breathe.<p>

"Where the heck is it?" I whispered, furiously filing through the packets of paper.

Oh, I was going to murder Lauren Mallory – the girl who was supposed to be the people-friendly student body president. So much for helping the new student get to class. Where in the world was she? Besides, the campus map was almost completely unreadable. As President, Lauren should get the school new printers –

Class. I needed to get to my class.

At this rate, I was going to be late. I distinctly remembered Jessica Stanley telling me that my teacher was notorious for being unforgiveable –

"Lost?"

I looked up to see a very tall boy staring at me, his quirked-up lips showing his amusement for… me? Probably.

I took him in slowly: the wild sex hair, eyes that popped, mad style, the _gorgeous _smile.

Oh. This was Edward Cullen.

He was everything and nothing people said he was. Because all was there – only somewhat much more… intense.

But every school had one of those guys.

I nodded once. "Do you happen to know where Mr. Wilkins' room is?"

He grinned and jabbed a thumb to his right. "Building C. Room 205."

I blinked up at him, somewhat stunned because he was so… cool. His eyes too – they were something to look at.

"Two minutes," he said.

"Sorry?"

He tapped a finger on his imaginary watch. "You have two minutes till the tardy bell."

Oh.

I dropped my gaze and muttered "thanks" before running off in the direction he pointed to.

* * *

><p>It was much after the tardy bell that I stepped into the correct classroom.<p>

Everyone was looking at me.

The man I assumed as Mr. Wilkins did not look so pleased.

"New student?"

"Yes, sir," I mumbled, fumbling with the sleeves of my oversized dress shirt and trying to control my ragged breathing because it sounded too loud in the quiet room.

"You're late." Eyeing me with disdain, he stepped around his desk and checked the roster on the computer screen. "Isabella Swan?"

"Bella," I responded automatically. I helplessly looked at my classmates, but they just stared right back. "I'm really sorry I'm late. I tried to get here as fast as I can, but –" Lauren Mallory. "Well, I got lost, and this someone –" Edward Cullen –

Wait, Edward Cullen?

I fell short when my eyes fell on none other than Edward Cullen, who was sitting in the very back and staring straight at me with a wide smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle.

_"Building C. Room 205."_

But neither Building C nor Room 205 existed on campus.

And did he just wink at me?

"Ms. Swan, Edward is quite the gentleman, but you may make your acquaintances after class," the teacher said with a perverted smirk, and my classmates snickered.

I sighed. "Never mind. Sorry. I got lost. First day and all. It won't happen again."

Mr. Wilkins looked stern. "May I take you up on that?"

I just smiled in response as I tore down the aisle and purposefully took a seat next to the very person who led me off campus.

The mischievous glint in Edward Cullen's eyes did not waver even as I obnoxiously dumped my backpack beside his feet.

"I was wondering how long it'll take you," he said, not even looking at me.

"Hope I lived up to your expectations," I said, also without looking at him. "And thanks. I _really_ appreciate it."

He had his mouth covered with a hand but something told me he was smirking.

* * *

><p>When the final bell rang, I already had everything packed up.<p>

I was more than eager to leave, dashing out the door, as I scrabbled through my back pocket for my car key.

I couldn't wait to get home and concoct plans to kill Lauren Mallory first and Edward Cullen second. Or maybe the other way around.

"Hey."

I looked up, and it was him. Where did he come from? He didn't even take this class with me. Or did he?

"Hi," I said very slowly.

I consciously drew back – because everything about this guy seemed suspicious – as I adjusted my backpack and glided right by.

He followed.

I stole a glimpse in his direction, only to get caught. I wasn't sure if I should be flattered with all the attention he was giving me.

I walked faster.

"Whoa, where's the fire?" he asked, a soft laugh coloring his voice.

I halted – maybe a bit too abruptly because it sent him crashing into me from behind. We were going to fall, but he quickly found his balance and pulled me up by the arm at the last second.

I stared down at his hand wrapped around my arm, up at his unreadable face, and back down. He wasn't letting go. With a scowl, I tore off.

"What's up?" I finally said.

"What's our homework for Wilkins?"

I crossed my arms. "Finishing up the vocabulary assignment."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And reading the Composition Book. And taking a look at the essay about education. And annotating the AP prompts. And researching a popular literary theme. And writing a one-paged essay."

Any normal person would be confused, except he wasn't. This was supposed to throw him off, except it obviously didn't. It bugged me that his smile actually got wider with each word I said.

"Can you repeat that?" he asked me, all grinning.

I opened my mouth and tried to spit back a sharp response. I had nothing.

"Whatever," I muttered and shamefully walked away, leaving him behind in the now-deserted building. I would have to work on smart comebacks.

"Thanks, Bella Swan!"

The unanticipated sound of his voice made me stop.

It shouldn't have mattered. I should have kept walking.

I should have. I should have. I should have.

"Wait!" I nearly shouted as I turned. "We actually don't have any homework for tonight!"

He was already gone.

"I was just kidding…" I trailed off anyway.

"Edward?" I ran back into the hallway. "Hello?"

"Yes?"

I jumped at the sound, and – there he was. To my side, Edward Cullen stood remotely hidden by the lockers. I couldn't help but wonder if he had deliberately hidden from me.

And my heart was suddenly beating so abnormally fast that I couldn't think.

"Oh, wow," I breathed out. My hand, on its own volition, reached up to clutch my heart. "Wh – Why are you hiding?"

He raised both eyebrows.

I looked away. "Well, there's no homework."

"Okay."

"Yeah, I just wanted to let you know in case… in case…" I laughed, awkward. God, I couldn't even _talk_ straight. With the wave of my hand that was as awkward as my laugh, I muttered, "Yeah, later."

He stared at me. And let out a snort. And then a chuckle. And then a hearty laugh.

I gaped at him as he now doubled over. The sound of his laughter bounced off the walls. "Is – Is something funny?"

He shook his head, telling me no, but he was doing a horrible job masking that ear-to-ear grin. That, and his laugh had barely subsided.

"Nope, but thanks for letting me know." His sedated, pale stare warmed. "I _really _appreciate it."

_"Hope I lived up to your expectations. And thanks. I _really _appreciate it."_

My lips fell open. And I stared.

I couldn't stop staring at his smile. Or his eyes. I just stared like an idiot.

I blurted out something stupid just as I rushed back toward the parking lot.

As I got in my car, I checked my reflection in the mirror. To my dismay, my face was pink.

I wasn't sure if I was just caught off guard or –

_"Just one look at that smile… Wait till you see him."_

"This is just fantastic," I whispered to myself as I angrily stepped on the gas.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Hope you like this Edward and Bella! And review, please!


	3. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO**

* * *

><p>"Bump!<p>

"Set!

"Spike!"

The referee blew the whistle, and the crowd went wild as Forks High earned yet another point.

"Woo! Go, Edward!" Jessica shouted as she hopped up and down. "Come on, Bella! Get up!"

I thought football was the big deal in high school – at least it was in my old school in Arizona – but apparently volleyball was the thing in Forks. What an odd school.

"Actually," I said, leaning closer to Jessica's ear and trying to talk over the voices of the excited student body, "I think I'm going to head over to the library."

"The library? What? Why?" she said in disbelief. "The game _just_ started!"

Shrugging, I shimmied my way through the crowd. Jessica was frowning at me, but as soon as Number One Star Player Edward Cullen managed yet another spectacular spike, she was back into the game, clapping and dancing around.

I took one last look at the court and saw Edward Cullen walking backward to the far end. He took in a deep breath and bounced the ball a few times before throwing it in the air.

He followed: He jumped up – flashing a bit of his stomach and crossing his ankles when he was high in the air – and slapped the ball over the net in a clean but powerful serve.

Girls shrieked in delight, all giggling about his abs and how adorable he was when he played, as I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.

Suddenly, Edward's eyes met mine, and we broke the connection only as Coach yelled at him to get his head back into the game.

* * *

><p>My school was in party mode. Because we were hosting a small regional volleyball championship, the teachers were cutting some slack and letting the students skip classes to watch these games.<p>

I wasn't too surprised to find that even the library was empty except for the tiny freshman girl in one of the cubicles.

An hour in, I heard tumbling of books from behind me. I instinctively rushed over to help.

"Thank you," the freshman girl said mutedly. Her voice was surprisingly not shrill.

"No problem. This happens to me a lot." This girl was way too small to carry around this many books at once. I gathered the notebook that had fallen open. "I wish I had your handwriting."

"Thanks," she repeated, eyes drawn away.

I stared, confused, at her textbooks. "I take these classes too and I'm a junior. Are you in my grade?"

"No. I'm a sophomore."

"Oh." Still. She must be really smart. "Cool."

That second, the librarian and some students walked in. They were talking excitedly, so I assumed our school won.

I smiled at the girl and whispered, "I think you and I are the only two in this school who didn't watch the game."

Her gray eyes snapped up toward me, and plastered on mine, they were strangely intimidating.

I stood up the same moment she did.

She nodded once. "Thanks again."

"You're wel –"

She was already out the door.

* * *

><p>I had made plans to eat lunch with Jessica and her friends, but for some reason I found myself sitting alone on the bleachers in the finally-quiet gym again. Getting used to this school was going to take some time.<p>

All the equipment for the competition was still there; only the crowd was gone. Some staff members walked in and out, fixing things here and there, and I watched teams from other schools warm up for the match after lunch.

I was just reading a text – a grocery list – that Charlie, my dad, sent me when a volleyball landed next to me with a smash.

"Shit, sorry," someone said, his steps resounding as he climbed up the stairs toward me.

I recognized his face and snorted. "You said that yesterday."

"Oh. _Oh._ Hey!" His loud laugh and huge, friendly smile matched his golden looks. "How's the arm?"

"It surprised me more than it hurt me." I shrugged as I put away my apple. "You're on the team, huh?"

He shrugged as well, spinning the ball around in his hand as he took a seat.

"I saw the game," I continued conversationally. "You were good."

"You lie." He stretched his legs on the bleachers with a small groan. "You walked out in the middle of it."

I blinked. "How –"

"Mike Newton," he said, extending his hand.

I stared at it, momentarily intimidated by the tape wrapped around his fingers and the gruesome blisters and bruises…

"Do people even shake hands anymore?" I laughed at his stunned face as I shook his hand. "Well, I'm Bella Swan. It's nice to meet you."

"Bella Swan, the Chief's daughter?" He whistled, and I wasn't sure if he was impressed or intimidated. "You're new. How do you like our school so far?"

"Well…" Between an honest and a polite answer, I chose the latter. "It's okay."

"The campus?"

"It's okay."

"The people?"

"I guess they're okay."

"Me?"

"You're – what?"

"I'm just kidding."

I laughed aloud; he obviously liked that I laughed.

Volleyball tucked under his arm, he stood up. "Well, what are you doing, just sitting here? Let's get out. Everyone is probably getting pumped up for the next game in the cafeteria, you know."

"Oh, you go. I'm good."

He nodded slowly. "Okay, then."

"Bye."

"Bye." He took two steps at a time on his way down, and from below, he turned to me again. "Listen, there's a celebratory barbecue tonight by the picnic area."

I raised my eyebrows. "You guys didn't even really win yet."

His silence made it clear that he never thought of it that way. "Well, regardless, you can come by. It'll be fun."

I smiled shyly. "I'll think about it."

He took off pretty quickly after that, but not before excitedly waving me bye. His friendliness made me smile, and, well, he was pretty cute too.

* * *

><p>I decided to be brave, so I took Mike Newton's invitation and went. I didn't want to spend the rest of my junior year without a friend, and the last thing I wanted to hear was that I was the antisocial new kid who liked to be "left alone."<p>

But more than that, I couldn't stay in the house any longer. Charlie was grumpy all the time and it was starting to get on my nerves.

Mom and Charlie divorced when I was five, and since mom decided to take me with her, I never got to see him much until now. So he was definitely happy – thrilled, even – when I told him that I was going to live with him until college. He was just angry at the reason why mom decided to send me over. I was too, to be honest, but he wasn't making anything better by releasing his anger on me. He just didn't get it.

"I can't understand why your mother would do that to you. Just to live with her new boyfriend?" he had ranted.

I'd never seen Charlie get so mad. I wanted to tell him that I sent myself here – it was partially true – but he didn't give me the chance.

"Besides, a smart girl like you should go to a big school in a big city. A school with name value – nothing like Forks High – especially when you're in such crucial time in your high school career," he had told me. "Didn't you say you wanted to go to Northwestern?"

Sadly, the barbecue party wasn't turning out to be much of a distraction. For one, although Mike had been loyally keeping me company, I had no choice but to send him off eventually. Apparently I wasn't the only girl who found him cute. He was quite the ladies' man…

"Wanna dance?"

My heart jolted as it recognized the voice. "You scared me."

Uninvited but totally not caring, Edward Cullen plopped down on the bench beside me. I watched as he flicked his plastic cup into the trashcan and leaned back on the wooden table on his elbows, starting to drum his fingers on it after a bit. Meanwhile he wasn't even looking at me.

And even with the music that filled the air, it was kind of awkward. But maybe it was just me; he seemed totally at ease.

I decided to break the ice. "Congrats on winning."

I knew it sounded lame, but I couldn't think of anything better to say.

But Edward kept nodding along to the music and I assumed he didn't hear me… until he suddenly turned to stare at me straight in the eye.

"Yes?" I hedged slowly.

"Are you always this depressed?"

I stared back for a long second. "I'm not –"

"What did you get on your English test?"

"What? Seriously?"

He had a straight face. Yes, he was serious.

"Um." I was blanking out. What _did _I get? "A ninety three or something like that. Why?"

He looked at me oddly, his eyes scanning me from head to feet. I shivered.

"I didn't know you were so smart," he said.

"You… are so weird. I mean, what did _you_ get?"

He grinned. "Subtract forty from yours."

I snickered.

"I swear I'm better with other classes!" His laugh was lighthearted, just like it was that other time.

I had to smile. "You sure?"

He raised his hands and held them out as if he felt the need to defend himself. "What did you get in Physics? Calculus?"

"I don't take Physics." I shrugged. "And as for Calculus, I think I got a solid B."

"Damn. I got a seventy something. You're a junior, right?"

I nodded, watching this boy, noticing things.

First, the faraway look in his eyes as he watched his classmates sway to the music. Next, a scowl. And then his words.

"If my GPA drops even lower, I might have my volleyball scholarship taken away for next year at Chicago."

I was speechless. I was stunned that this boy was sharing such an honest – and oddly ordinary – piece of information about him with a girl he barely knew. He was treating me as if we'd been friends for a long time.

"So." He grinned widely. "How does it feel to be a genius?"

I barely suppressed the laugh that slipped out of me. "Thanks, but please don't go around saying that. Besides, there must be something you're good at."

"Me?" He paused. "Guess so."

"Yeah?"

"There's volleyball."

"Mhm."

"I'm pretty good with girls too." I didn't think he noticed my jaw drop. "What about you?"

I blinked up at him. It took me a second to realize that he was asking me a question. Edward Cullen seriously had a knack for giving me whiplashes.

"I guess I have good study habits?"

"Hell, yeah. I heard you knocked Lauren off to second, Miss New-Class-Valedictorian." He extended his fist so I can bump it. "Nice job."

"How do you know this?" I tentatively connected my fist to his. "Aren't these things confidential?"

He just laughed, and it sounded low but genuine.

Interesting.

"Not trying to sound weird or anything," I said softly, "but with a laugh like that, you seem very satisfied with your life."

"Who? Me?"

"Yeah."

"Nah, I've got problems."

I grinned. Weird. I loved how he was so blunt. "Like what?"

He stared at his lap, all serious and pensive, as if he was actually giving this a fair amount of thought.

"Girls won't leave me alone."

I snorted. "Oh, yeah?"

"Oh, yeah." His wide-eyed look told me he was dead serious. "And I'm voted Homecoming Prince again."

"Fair enough."

"I have insomnia."

"Really?"

"And…"

"And?"

He smiled softly at the ground. "My dad's never home."

"But those can't be serious problems," I argued quietly. "And where's the girlfriend problem if you're so good with girls?"

He flashed me the cheesiest and yet the cutest smile ever. "I don't have a girlfriend."

Oh, wow.

"Sometimes, though," he mused as he nodded to himself, "I wonder if there's something wrong with me."

And when his eyes darted in my direction, I was caught off guard because they were so soft and intense. He was so close, too, and I finally understood why everyone was all over this guy and talking about how amazing he was. He was a charmer.

I swallowed. "Why would you say that?"

"I think I have it too easy – like you said."

How was I supposed to respond to that?

But then he smiled. Again with that smile.

"Well, I was pretty serious before." He stood up. "Wanna dance with me?"

He extended a hand, and without hesitation, I took it.

"Why me?" I asked as he tugged me over.

"You look like you need it," was all he said. "Well, me too."

I was a horrible dancer. I already knew it, but he had to point it out. I didn't mind though, because the whole time, he held my hand and twirled me around.

And there was nothing dirty about our dancing, which made it more fun and kept us laughing all night. At one point, I imagined him kissing me but I realized it was just stupid.

He did apologize for pointing to the wrong direction the other day. He said he did it because he was bored.

I accepted his apology. Only because he flashed me that million-dollar smile.

_"Sometimes, though, I wonder if there's something wrong with me."_

And I never did completely understand what he meant.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>What do you think? Does Edward intrigue you? Leave me some love (aka review… hehe)!


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

><p>Our school continued to celebrate into the following week. The boys' volleyball team had won the championship, and the season was starting out on a good note.<p>

To everyone's dismay, classes resumed. And because of the "real" celebratory night with the booze and the pot, half the people were dozing off in my English class. I didn't and couldn't attend that party – my dad, the Chief of Police of the town, would have killed me if he found out – but I was still one of the people who barely had their eyes opened. It didn't help that Mr. Wilkins was droning on and on about Show vs. Tell writing.

I listened to the clock tick away as I distractedly twirled a pen between my fingers, thinking about shopping groceries and buying SAT prep books after school.

I didn't realize I was flicking the pen so swiftly, though, that by the time it whirled out of my hand, it was too late. Against all odds, the pen directly hit Mr. Wilkins's forehead and bounced off.

The whole class, now wide-awake, went silent in shock, and I sat petrified.

Edward Cullen cracked up from behind me.

I leaped up, my chair screeching against the floor in the process.

"I'm so sorry!" I cringed. "I didn't mean it to – it was an accident!"

I turned to glare at Edward who was at this point rolling around in his seat. I could tell he was honestly trying to quiet down, but even when he sort of did, he was having trouble suppressing the huge grin, snorting away with his face buried in his arms.

"Ms. Swan. Detention tomorrow."

I palmed my face and shot Edward a disapproving look.

He just gave me a thumbs-up.

* * *

><p>The next day, I was held detained for the first time in my life.<p>

In exchange for a detention on my clean record, though, my classmates realized that I existed and accepted me. So it sort of evened out.

"It's not funny," I mumbled to Edward for the fifth time, using my hip to nudge him.

"Hell yeah, it is." He grinned down at me and nudged me back, only a tad harder that I stumbled. "C'mon. It's only been two weeks since you came here, and everybody loves you."

A boy with curly black hair appeared by my side and clapped a hand on my back, sending me reeling. "Bella Swan?"

I blinked up at the stranger. "Do I know you?"

He grinned lasciviously. "Nope, but I know you. I heard what you did. The guts! I wish I'd tried that. Kudos to you!"

And then the brawny boy quickly introduced himself as Emmett McCarty. He patted me again, more gently this time. Seeing his bruised hands that were all wrapped up in tape, I figured he was another member of the volleyball team.

"Now Ms. Popular, huh?" Edward said as Emmett passed by.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" I sighed, frustrated. "It was an accident –"

"Relax. I'm just messing with you." He nudged again, smirking. "You would have never done that on purpose, I know."

He gave me a smile, one that my heart seemed to like. He messed up my hair before walking ahead to catch up with his friends.

As much as he annoyed me, a blush crept up to my cheeks.

* * *

><p>I still ate my lunch in the gym, but not alone. Sometimes, Edward came by. Other times, Mike Newton did. I wanted more girl friends, but I wasn't in the position to be choosy.<p>

Today it was Edward.

"You're so immature," I told him.

"What?"

"Stop stealing my food!"

He had snagged my bag of chips and polished it off in two seconds.

"Want?" he offered, grinning.

I stared at his crumb-covered lips in disbelief. _Jesus, please smiling at me like that…_

The shrill sound of a whistle turned my attention to the gym floor where a group of freshmen worked on the mile-run.

"I'm glad I'm done with all my gym credits," I mused aloud.

"Hmm?" Edward's eyes flickered to what I was looking at. "Oh, that. Gym's a piece of cake."

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe for you, Mr. Most-Valuable-Player-Of-The-Year."

All my life, I had never been athletic. I was actually okay with sprints and short-distance runs, but once I had to be carried to the Nurse's Office because I passed out after one of the longer runs.

"Five more laps, folks!" the gym coach yelled, clapping as he did so. "Faster, faster! You have less than two minutes!"

In the end, five out of eight students made it. One of the three who didn't make it was the frail, tiny sophomore I met in the library. She looked sick.

"Oh, no." I shot up when I watched her fall.

Edward reacted faster. In a second, he was running down the bleachers. Before I knew what was happening, he was carrying the girl in his arms, telling the coach that he would take her to the nurse, and leaving.

Without a second of thought, I grabbed his backpack and mine and followed.

* * *

><p>The nurse wasn't there.<p>

I awkwardly hovered beside them as he placed her on one of the beds.

He reached for her forehead.

She shoved a hand against his chest, fighting him. Her glare was piercing.

He was oddly calm as he settled with a finger on the side of her neck.

"Not too warm. A little clammy though. We should call your parents." He turned to me. "Can you get some water, Bella?"

His and my eyes met.

Silence.

Looking away, I quickly turned to the sink. "Yeah, one second."

When I returned, I helped the girl up and forced her to drink.

And five minutes later the warning bell rang, parents weren't picking up, and there was still no nurse.

"I'll drive her home."

I watched him closely. "What about class?"

He flashed me a grin and scooped up the girl back into his arms. She squirmed in objection, but I acted as if I didn't notice.

"You'll let me copy your homework, right?"

"I guess so," I said.

He then told me to go to class. The girl in his arms, he left.

* * *

><p>He returned in the middle of class.<p>

Mr. Wilkins continued on with his lecture – but not without a short disapproving sidelong glance – as Edward quietly took a seat next to me. I wanted to meet eyes with him, but he wouldn't let me.

I was so, so curious; at the end of class, I didn't even remember what the day's lecture was about.

He was waiting for me when I walked out of my last class.

"Walk with me," he said, leading us to our cars.

I was so, so curious. The way they interacted.

We stopped by my truck.

"Did I miss anything while I was gone?"

I took out my planner and showed it to him, to which he murmured thanks and took out a crumpled piece of paper. He began copying down the homework assignments against my car window.

"We're nowhere done with first quarter, but we've written, like, eight essays," he complained lightly, eyes shifting from one paper to another as he scribbled away.

I leaned closer to him. "Edward?"

"Yeah?"

His eyes were on mine in an instant, and I had to avert my gaze. I didn't think I would ever get used to how easily he did that.

"How do you know that girl?" I had no idea why I was asking him this. "You know, the girl you took home just now?"

"Oh. Alice? I don't."

"You were so nice to her."

He shrugged. "She hates me."

_I figured. _"I met her a few days ago. She seems… depressed all the time."

"Maybe. But that's probably because her sister's gone for good now."

I gave him a confused look.

"She died last year."

My mouth popped open. "Oh, no. How?"

Edward looked away and shoved the paper in the front pocket of his backpack. "This car accident."

"That's horrible," I said absentmindedly, suddenly realizing that the girl – Alice – was probably barely sixteen.

Edward handed my planner back to me and shrugged the second time.

"Oh…" I frowned. "Right, is Alice okay, by the way?"

He grinned. "Yeah, she was just dehydrated. Oh, by the way, what do you say to some tacos?"

Tacos. Tacos? "But we had lunch two hours ago!"

"So?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Fine, fine. Whatever."

"Sweet!"

This guy was gifted with a brilliant smile, and I couldn't help but smile back.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> Interesting. I'm getting a lot of views but no reviews… Please review – a short little sentence that confirms that someone out there is reading this keeps me going!


	5. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

* * *

><p><em>Good luck tomorrow! I'll be praying :) -Mom<em>

A text was all.

She barely called anymore; she even forgot that my birthday was last week.

Well, her new boyfriend was five years younger than her, and she was pretty young for a mother of a seventeen-year-old in the first place. He probably kept her occupied.

Charlie, Mom. Mom, Charlie. They were all the same.

"Bella!"

I heard the whisper just as I hit the lights and climbed into my bed.

"Bella!"

I looked at my window and frowned. I definitely wasn't imagining it.

I slid the window open and leaned over the rail to see a form of a tall boy beaming up at me.

"Edward?" I hissed. If anyone could pull off this corny Romeo act and not make a fool of himself, it would be him. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He just held up two Starbucks cups and smiled widely.

"You idiot." I was mumbling but he could hear me because the night was dead silent. "I have to go to sleep. I have to take the SAT tomorrow."

"Exactly. A nice cup of hot chocolate to warm you up."

"Nice try. Just go home, okay?"

I shut the window on him and hit the lights once more.

I hesitated.

I ran back to the balcony.

He was still there, smirking as if he _knew_.

I desperately hoped he didn't see the blush on my cheeks as I whisper-yelled, "Give me two minutes!"

He shrugged. "Two minutes."

That idiot.

But as I tiptoed my way down the stairs, a smile crept up to my face. I had to remember to look annoyed when I stepped out on the porch.

* * *

><p>"How do you know where I live?"<p>

"You're the daughter of the town's Chief of Police. Who doesn't?"

I smiled meekly and nursed the warm beverage in my hands.

Edward had taken me to a small park by my house down the street. The night air was moist and smelled green and earthy, and the hot chocolate in my system made me hum a mellow tune.

I imagined he recognized the song because he smiled at me.

The night chill made me shudder. "I'm so worried about tomorrow."

"You're always worried," he pointed out passively. He was probably right.

It was quiet for a while, and then I noticed his blatant staring.

"What?" I mumbled self-consciously.

A weird noise escaped my mouth when he suddenly leaned forward; his face was only inches away from mine.

"What?" I repeated, lips barely moving and feeling blood rush to my heart.

His slight scowl transformed into a coy smile.

Oh, no, he was doubly handsome up close. And his eyes weren't blue; they were green – pretty, pretty green.

"You have no makeup on," he said.

"Well, no. I have to wash it off eventually."

"I finally see why girls refuse to go out without –"

I smacked him, and he hung his head over his chest.

"I was just kidding," he mumbled.

"Sure, you were."

All with the slow blinking and scrunching of the eyebrows, he eyed me. He did that a lot nowadays.

Hanging out with him in the middle of the night without anyone knowing about it felt strangely intimate. And he was wearing his dark leather jacket that made him look so mature and handsome. He was so tall too. He looked like a boy, smelled like a boy, and smiled like a boy, and his eyes were… –

I scowled. "What are you looking at?"

"Are you wearing anything underneath that?"

"Underneath what?"

"This." He reached for my hoodie string and pulled.

My face felt hot.

The hoodie was long enough to cover most of my thighs but also too short to be worn alone in Charlie's standards.

And Edward was a boy. Of course _he_ noticed.

He continued to stare at my chest as if he could see right through the fabric.

"Eyes up here." I felt the urge adjust myself; I wasn't wearing a bra. I was both embarrassed and flattered. Mostly flattered. "You're such a perv."

"_You're_ a perv for thinking that way," he scoffed lightly.

"What, so you wanted to know if I'm cold so you can give up your jacket for me?"

"Nah." He paused. "Are you?"

"No." I cleared my throat. "So you never did tell me: why _are_ you here?"

He didn't miss a beat. "To support you for tomorrow's big test."

"If you were, you would have let me go to sleep."

"Fine, fine." He met and held my gaze, and his eyes – all lazy and soft – were borderline golden under the streetlights. "I was bored."

"Are you ever not bored?"

"What? I decided I wanted to see you, so I came. I can't do that?"

Oh, no, he was doing it again. Whatever it was, it always made my heart race.

"I guess you can." I sounded so lame.

"Yep, I guess I can." He smirked and took a long sip of the coffee.

It was my turn to look at him, and I began to notice small things about him, right now, next to me.

Whenever he sighed, his breath fanned out in front of him like smoke. And he had this jawline that was rarely so angular on a teenage boy's face. I couldn't look away from his mouth.

"Edward."

"Hmm?"

"I think I kind of like you."

I sucked in a breath, waiting for an answer and getting nothing.

I bit my lip hard and looked down at my boots. "What do you think about that?"

Another no answer.

Bracing myself, I glanced up at him and – oh, no, his face was totally blank.

"Wow." My heart fell. "Let's just pretend I never said that –"

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

* * *

><p>I was sure I was now sporting the similar blank look he had.<p>

"Hold up." I sounded ridiculously shaky. "So you like me too? Like, you want to date me?"

"Yeah."

"Why did you look away when you said that?"

"No, I didn't."

"Yeah, you did!"

"Maybe you were imagining it."

"Be serious."

"Does it _matter_?"

My fingers tightened around my hot chocolate. "Do you like me too?"

"Sure, why not?"

I searched for some kind of emotion in his eyes, but I couldn't find anything.

"What I meant was," I took in a breath, "do you _really_, really like me?"

He seemed to think about it, then – "No. I mean, I don't really know."

"Oh." I heard the disappointment in my own voice. Standing up, I threw away the drink I'd yet to finish and cracked an awkward smile. "That's all right, I guess. We have time. We'll just… wait."

I just stood there, holding my breath.

It was a while, and when he finally spoke, it was a simple, "Okay."

He walked me back home. He wished me luck and waved goodbye.

And that was it.

* * *

><p>Emmett McCarty pointed out that I looked like a zombie when I bumped into him after testing. He also burst out laughing as he made the groundbreaking discovery that I had no makeup on. One day, I was going to have to teach him about what to say and what not to say to a girl.<p>

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked, drained and exhausted.

"V-ball practice just ended, and I remembered you had your test this morning, so."

My stomach churned. "Is Edward –"

"Yep, present." He popped up from behind me and hung an arm around my shoulders. His hair was wet from the shower, and he smelled like fresh soap. "How did you do?"

"Okay, I guess." I escaped his gaze. "I don't know."

He held out a bottle of Vitamin Water, and I took it, of course without meeting his eyes.

"Can we go eat pizza or something?" Emmett moaned and rubbed a hand over his stomach. "Those forty laps just _killed _me."

"I'm pretty hungry too," I admitted. "Let's go to –"

"I call shotgun!" With that, Emmett dashed toward the only car in the parking lot, which was mine, in record time.

I shook my head in disbelief. "And he said he just ran forty laps…"

"Bella."

I stiffened, realizing that Edward's arm was still around me.

"So I thought about it all of last night," he murmured into my ear. "You know, if I really, really liked you?"

My face was getting warm again. "Do we have to talk about this now?"

"Yeah," he breathed out, sort of laughing under his breath. "Well, I was thinking."

I was staring intently at his gym shoes when he tipped my chin up. He had never been this close.

"I was wondering. Do _you_ really, really like me?"

"I –" I stayed locked up in his gaze. "Of course I – …"

A slow smirk spread on his lips.

I tried again: "Of course I…"

Did I?

He simply let his hand fall to his side.

"I thought so," was all he said.

* * *

><p>"Save seats, Bella!" Emmett yelled as he started toward the pizza area in the food court. Edward tagged along.<p>

I felt so out of it that I simply nodded and headed toward the crowded table area.

I was taken aback to spot Alice typing away on her laptop in the far, isolated corner.

Neither Edward nor Emmett had seen her, but she had seen us. I smiled and waved a little, but she ignored me.

Emmett was the busy talker as we ate. Edward was not much of a talker to begin with but he seemed especially introverted today… or maybe I was reading too much into it.

By the end of the hour, I managed to finish four slices of pizza. That was an effort on my part, but the guys managed to eat infinitely more – I lost count. Later, Edward acquiesced with a roll of the eyes when Emmett insisted that Edward pay.

I stared at his retreating back, thinking and not thinking at the same time. Emmett's sudden boisterous laugh made me jump.

"You're so out of it today," he pointed out, toying with the unraveling tape on his hand.

I shrugged.

"Uh oh." His face turned serious. "What happened?"

"Nothing. It's just…" I lost my train of thought just as I spotted, once more, Alice walking out the food court. "I wonder why she's so upset all the time."

"Who?" Emmett searched the area and then saw, smiling a little sympathetically. "Oh. Well, she's going through a lot. It's rough."

"Yeah, Edward seems to really care about her."

"Wait. You know about this?"

I nodded. I blankly thought back to the very first time I met Alice.

"It's some scary shit."

I blinked. "What is?"

He hesitated noticeably, his voice lowering to a murmur. "How is it even possible for anyone to hide all that grief and anger? I swear shit's gonna hit the fan soon. It's so frustrating, and I can't understand why… Never mind. But come on, what are best buds for?"

I froze in mid-nod. "What?"

"What?" He gave _me_ the weird look.

"Wait. You're friends with Alice? I didn't know that."

Emmett made a funny face, as if amused. "What are you talking about?"

"Emmett," I whispered, and my stomach stirred, "who _are_ you talking about?"

"Edward."

Something inside me numbed.

"Alice's sister. She was Edward's girlfriend."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Things are getting interesting, aren't they? Please review!


	6. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

* * *

><p>I felt especially languid as I tossed some books in and out of my backpack and locker. The hallway was thinning out, dwindling down to only a few students that were in a rush to get to class. I knew I should be in a rush too but I found no motivation to move quicker.<p>

Sighing, I slammed the locker shut.

"Rough day?"

I jumped. It was Edward.

"God, you scared me!" I whimpered.

His eyes narrowed slightly, and just as I was about to question him he pulled me into an unlit hallway where he cornered me into a door.

I let out a tense laugh. "Why are we standing in front of the men's room?"

"You're acting really weird these days."

I gulped. He always saw right through it.

"What is it?" he pressed, coming closer.

"Nothing."

"Oh, yeah?"

"It's not because of the rejection," I blurted out.

I could tell he wasn't going to take that as an answer, but he was too close – his face was too close. If he came any closer…

"See you later, okay?" I ducked under his arm and walked away as fast as I could on my weak legs.

* * *

><p>"Mr. Grudger, hi." I took a quick look at the bookshelves around me before I faced the school librarian again. "Where can I find all the yearbooks?"<p>

As the man led me down the shelves, I anxiously studied my surroundings once more. The guilt was seeping in.

_Forks High School: Year 2009 – 2010_

"Thanks," I murmured, and he left me.

I made sure I was alone before I opened up the page to the junior class section.

Last night, I'd painstakingly calculated the year and age. From what I knew, Edward was a junior and Alice's sister was a senior the other year when she…

"Oh, man," I whispered, "what am I doing?"

Guilty, I was. I'd planned this so meticulously that I even requested for the yearbook from two years ago – just to be safe.

But her name. I didn't know her name.

I actually groaned aloud and sank into my seat. "God, I'm such an idiot."

"It's Rosalie Hale."

Oh, no, this was bad. This was really bad.

I spun around very slowly.

Edward Cullen looked… amused.

"I'm _so _sorry, Edward." I stood up awkwardly. "I didn't think it was appropriate to ask you directly, so I just… I mean, I was curious. Did I offend you? Are you offended?"

"Wow," he drawled, "I've never seen anyone plead guilty that quickly."

I was at a loss at what to say.

"You know what?" He walked over. "I kind of want to see her picture too."

I watched with a slacked jaw as he peeked over my shoulder. There was an easy smile playing on his lips when he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Hale, Rosalie," he told me, and it sounded like a prayer.

Shaking my head no, I passed the book to him.

His eyes opened. They were back to being amused. "I thought you were curious."

I shook my head again.

"Okay, then." He began to flip through the pages, all obnoxious and teasing.

It was obvious when he found the right page because he glanced at me from the corner of his eyes and kind of, sort of dangled the book in front of my face.

I managed to sigh-laugh. "Stop."

"You know you want to see it."

"It's okay."

"Fine. Suit yourself."

Oh, he was definitely teasing me.

"Okay, I want to." I might have blushed.

And he might have noticed because he snickered. Then his finger found the girl on the page.

"This is her."

As soon as I saw her, my eyes widened.

He smirked. "I know, right?"

She was, simply put, the epitome of glamorous – all with the long white-blonde hair, blue eyes, dark eyelashes, and the gorgeous smile that belonged on the red carpet. She probably looked even more perfect standing next to Edward.

My heart sank for some reason.

"She was really pretty." The adjective was inadequate. There was no need to feel self-conscious but I felt that way anyway.

"Yep," he agreed, and his eyes left the photo to watch my reaction.

I wanted to believe that I was hiding it well; I tried to look unaffected. "Who liked who first?"

"Me her." He sounded so proud that I almost laughed. "It was love at first sight."

"No kidding?"

"It took a hell of a time to get a date though." He whistled, remembering something I didn't know. "And it was just a stupid movie date too. But she was with another guy at the time – it was pretty serious – so I guess it made sense."

"No way." I scowled. "You two didn't –"

He gently pulled on my ponytail and gave me a look.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way." I cleared my throat. "But you did take her away. From the other guy, I mean."

He shrugged. "She was pretty stubborn though, and had a temper that rivaled mine…"

I just smiled because it felt like the right thing to do.

I glanced down at the photo and then back up at his face.

He looked happy.

Even after seeing so many of his cheery smiles, I could confidently say that _this _was the happiest he had ever been around me.

That, and I was glad he took this well.

Still. It felt strange: Watching him happily reminisce about a dead girl not only bothered me but also made me a tad jealous, which was unreasonable.

I wasn't sure what I really felt. I kind of, sort of liked this guy, and I had a funny feeling that I was going to more than kind of, sort of like him with time. And as long as that was happening, I wasn't sure if I'd ever be ready to accept the fact that there once was a girl that meant the world to him.

But what scared me more was the possibility that she was still his everything.

* * *

><p>Edward and the entire volleyball team were excused from their afternoon classes, as another volleyball competition was coming up. Rumor had it that they were going through some pretty hardcore training.<p>

During English, just as I managed to convince myself that it was ridiculous that I missed not having him pulling a prank on me every two seconds, he sent me a text.

He must be doing it on purpose because it made me miss him all over again.

_You left your sweater in the gym. Walk by after school? –Edward_

I ran to the gym after school.

"Edward?" My voice rang in the big, empty room. The only response was the echo of his name.

Then I heard soft snoring.

I found him napping on one of the lower bleachers, and he was all sweaty and gross in his uniform. The sight made me smile though; only Edward would fall asleep in a place like this.

And I couldn't make myself to wake him up.

He was in a deep sleep, hugging my neatly folded sweater to his chest like a pillow. I wondered what kind of dream he was having.

Carefully, I pushed a piece of hair out of his face and smiled when he smiled. He was mischief itself when he was awake; sleeping, he looked like an angel child.

I crouched beside him and pulled my legs to my chest. Staring up at the ceiling, I closed my eyes and waited.

* * *

><p>"You're going to ruin your eyes reading in the dark."<p>

I sat up straight and smiled. "Hey. You're awake."

He let out a long sigh, eyes still closed. "What are you doing?"

"Studying for Bio." I watched from the corner of my eyes, mesmerized, as he pulled his arms over his head and stretched. "I didn't want to wake you."

He patted my sweater, now on his lap, silently thanking me. "You're an angel."

"Nah." I shot him a playful grin. "What if I had woken you up from the best dream you ever had?"

I didn't pay him too much attention as I also stretched my sore back and put away my school materials. Only when I got up did I notice that Edward hadn't moved an inch. His shoulders were down, his head ducked.

I put my hands on my knees and leaned forward, leveling our eyes and asking him a silent question.

"So what does it mean to be happy?" His eyes slowly found mine and didn't leave. "Bella?"

Every day since the day I met him, he'd given me something to think about.

Today was no different.

I thought hard before I answered.

"Isn't it different for everyone? It doesn't have to be a difficult concept. If you enjoy doing something, being around someone, whatever it is… I guess that means…" I shook my head, laughing. "Actually, never mind, I don't really know what I'm talking about. Hey, are you okay?"

He cast his eyes down and stood up.

"Sometimes," he said, "I feel like I'm living in a whole different world where only I exist."

He sounded so sad, and I didn't like that he was towering over me; I climbed up the bleachers so we were back to face-to-face.

And I really hoped my smile touched his somber mood. "You can always tell me what's bothering you."

He stared at my face for a very long time.

"I'm all ears," I promised more seriously.

"Bella."

"Yes?"

He took a step toward me – then another. "Hope you don't mind." His whole body fell forward, and his forehead landed on my collarbone. "I just need a shoulder."

My lips parted in surprise, and I faltered a bit at the strength of his hug.

And it was a strange feeling, his breath on my neck, his hair on my chin. His hair tickled me, making me giggle on the inside, as did his even breaths; his body felt so warm against mine.

Being around him made me smile. Being around him made me happy.

I wanted to wrap my arms around his shoulders but I knew I shouldn't. I forced myself to be content with just standing, being the shoulder he needed me to be, as I stayed frozen and awkward and occasionally giggling, all while my heart ran away. Did he hear it?

His shoulders began to shake.

I scowled. "You're not really laughing, are you?"

"Sorry." He snorted.

"What's so funny?"

"_God_, you're tiny." He sighed and raised his head. "How tall are you? Like, four feet?"

"Five two," I said, glaring.

"Oh, so you're actually not a midget. Instead, you're exactly a foot shorter than me. Nice."

I shoved his chest.

He just laughed. His eyes shone brightly even in the dimness. The mischief was back.

Sometimes I just wanted to understand what he was thinking.

* * *

><p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please, please review :)<p> 


	7. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

* * *

><p>"Just look at your face!"<p>

I burped. "What?"

Grin mischievous, Emmett pinched my cheeks and slapped them.

"Hey, that hurts!"

"Damn, you're so red!" he continued to laugh.

At some point, I joined in laughing. "I am not!"

"Aw, what a cutie," he cooed. "Ain't she, Edward?"

Edward stared at me, with that scrutinizing eye, as if he was taking Emmett seriously.

My laugh subsided into an awkward giggle. I fanned myself, suddenly feeling warm; it must be the alcohol. "Something on my face?"

"Nah. You're flushed though."

"Yeah, I heard."

He shook his head to himself, smiling.

He'd been doing that a lot all night, and every time it seemed as though he was looking at me beforehand.

He popped open yet another beer.

I wondered if he was just really good at holding his liquor or if I were just too drunk to properly gauge his sobriety.

I watched as he threw his head back and inhaled the ocean air. He seemed oddly content yet maudlin. My eyes hurt from staring at him without blinking.

He looked like someone from a different world.

My mom once told me that guys who looked good drinking or smoking most likely looked good doing pretty much everything else too. For the first time in my life, I felt like she could be right. I hoped not though; I would be screwed if Edward Cullen got any more perfect than this.

"Something on my face?" Edward asked, eyes closed.

I blinked. "Are you talking to me?"

His eyes opened and they gave me all their attention. "Yes," those eyes told me.

"Oh." I felt stupid. "No… Why?"

"I don't know. You were staring." He laughed out his nose, noticing something. "Nah, just kidding. You're kind of zoning out. I should have known you wouldn't be able to hold much liquor. You're so tiny and all."

"Are you implying that I'm drunk?"

He laughed louder. "Yeah."

"I'm not drunk." I was.

Emmett and Edward shared a look and snickered.

I narrowed my eyes. "By the way, do you guys realize how dangerous it is to drink near a body of water? We could drown."

Emmett smirked. "Not 'we,' babe. Just you."

The breeze felt amazing, though. Below me was the sand and above me was a canopy of a skinny, leafy tree. And the beach was beautiful.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"A bit over ten."

I fell on my back, my sight blurring as I let myself gape at the branches above. Maybe I really was zoning out.

"Someone go get me more beer," I mumbled.

* * *

><p>I was opening a third can when a hand stopped me.<p>

Edward looked at me sternly in the eye as he fought to keep the beer away from my mouth.

"Take it easy. You've had enough," he said.

I frowned. "What? Come on. You guys are the ones who brought me out here."

Both of us lost our grip, then, and spilled the contents all over my jeans.

"Thanks, Edward," I sighed tiredly.

Standing up, I felt dizzy and even a little nauseated. But I didn't want to look drunk; I tried to focus on each step I took as I headed toward the restroom behind Seven Eleven.

Emmett, who was just returning from the store with bags of chips in his arms, stared curiously at my wet pants and asked something. I ignored him, mostly because I couldn't understand what he was saying.

Through the bathroom mirror, my cheeks were buoyantly pink.

"I look like a strawberry," I groaned.

I splashed some water on my face before attempting to wash off the beer stain on my pants; I gave up when the denim ended up soaking up more water, getting colder for my skin.

I shivered; it was getting chilly and late, I realized.

On my way back, I bumped into Edward and Emmett.

I sighed. "I'm okay, guys. But I think I should go home now – oh."

They weren't Edward and Emmett.

"I thought…" I sounded dumb. "I'm sorry."

I wasn't too tipsy but I didn't feel as powerful as I was during the last hour either. A sudden surge of fear settled in me as I backtracked into a brick wall.

"I'm so sorry," I said again, confused. "If you'll excuse me…"

They wouldn't. They were cornering me and I was beginning to have tough time breathing. My head hurt. I sounded like a broken record coaxing, "Please leave. My friends will come over any second," over and over.

It was suffocating, and with each second, I was growing more and more terrified.

They were going to touch me when I was pulled free by a pair of arms.

I'd never been so relieved to see Edward.

"Edward, thank God –"

Before I could properly feel the sense of security, he pulled me away from the strangers, the beach, and the tree.

My hand in his, I had trouble keeping up with his long strides. I didn't understand. I had no idea what was happening.

Blood roared in my ears, and I didn't even realize we were heading toward the parking lot until I saw it in the distance.

"Slow down," I said over and over, getting more and more confused.

Instead of trying to calm me down or comfort me – not that I needed it – he was just pulling, pulling, pulling.

I distantly caught a sight of Emmett, and I was sure he saw us too. For some reason, he didn't follow.

Edward finally stopped when we reached his car.

"What are you –" I stopped cold.

His eyes. Not angry. Panicked. Really panicked.

I suddenly lost all words.

"What were you thinking?" he said.

His voice was a dead cold whisper. My head was pounding again, as though someone turned on loud music inside me. Edward's face was sheer wooden and white, and my heart was beating so fast that it banged against my rib cage.

"I honestly don't remember." I whispered because I couldn't find my voice.

"Did you consider screaming for help?"

"I… I think I was getting there…"

The cold way he was staring me down made me tremble in near fear.

Quietly and slowly, he pulled my bra strap back on my shoulder where it belonged, and buttoned up the top of my shirt. I didn't even realize I'd gotten that disheveled.

And his hand – his fingers – they were _shaking_.

"You're a girl, Bella. You're a _girl._"

"I – I know that."

I was wishing he'd yell instead when he began doing exactly that.

"Oh, yeah?" Something in his eyes came alive. "So what were you doing back there all alone? Were you _looking_ for trouble? Were you trying to pick a fight with those people? You think you're some big jock like Emmett or what?"

And it was the first time he was yelling at me, and I was petrified.

"I couldn't think straight, okay?" My voice shook. "I'm drunk. _You're _drunk. Calm down!"

His anger sank as quickly as it rose, and he slammed a fist on the car window. "Get in the car. I'm taking you home."

* * *

><p>The sky was pitch dark, and as silent and bleak as the mood in the car. Even the sounds of our breathing seemed too loud.<p>

I was drained and sobering up. I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.

"I'm sorry," I said finally.

He didn't even flinch.

I sighed, tiredly rubbing my sleepy eyes. "I blanked. It was so random and unexpected. Of course I would have yelled for help if things got worse. It just felt so unreal."

He wouldn't answer.

"Edward."

He kept his eyes on the road.

"I said I'm sorry," I said, slower and louder, watching his reaction.

He was ignoring me.

"Will you please look at me?" I reached out for his arm. "I didn't know I would worry you that much, and I'm sorry. I really am."

"I wasn't worried at all, actually."

He roughly pulled over to the side of the road near the woods. My eyes had to adjust to the new shade of darkness.

"Oh. Well." I faltered. I did not expect that answer. "I'm still sorry."

"I did save you."

"You did." I bowed my head, ashamed. "Thank you. I really do owe you for that."

"Yeah? What are you going to do for me?"

My head snapped up.

"What are you going to do for me?" he insisted quietly.

I hesitated. "Whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?"

"I… guess so."

I froze, waiting. Something was… off.

"I know how you can pay me back," he said. "You can pay me back right now."

"What do you mean?"

"Isn't it obvious? Between you and me."

He turned off the engine and headlights, letting the darkness take over.

I heard the driver's seat squeak and its seatbelt get undone. His hand found the latch beside my seat and let the back collapse flat.

All I could do was watch, eyes wide, as he loomed closer and climbed on top of me.

"Edward – …"

"What?"

I had no words.

He pressed forward, pushing the air out of my lungs, and I lay frozen, powerless. Our legs were tangled. Our stomachs touched, our chests following. His knees trapped my hips and it was impossible to move.

A car passed by, and for a second I saw him and his blank eyes.

I knew – he saw the fear growing inside me.

He unbuckled my seatbelt.

"Give me this," he said quietly.

His fingers skimmed down my face, neck, collarbone, shoulder. Even lower. He popped open the top button of my shirt and slid a hand down my bare skin to –

"Stop," I whispered.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

"Don't – don't do this."

He cast his eyes down, his breaths, unlike mine, very even and controlled.

And his face came closer and closer. Even closer.

I could feel his hair tickle my forehead.

"Edward, stop," I pleaded, my fear unhidden. I struggled, fists on his chest and squirming frantically. Futile – he simply pressed down my arms. "Please, stop!"

And he did.

He now watched from above me – apathetically, even mercilessly.

"See, Bella? I can have my way with you right here, right now, and force myself on you in whatever way I want. But you're just a little girl, and there will be nothing you can do to stop me."

I breathed heavily, in short, panicked spurts.

Calm, he buttoned me up again. His eyes could pierce through mine. "You can be as naïve as you want to be, but in the end it's your fault you're completely defenseless."

He climbed back over to the driver's seat and turned the engine back on.

He didn't start driving right away.

I couldn't make myself to sit up just yet.

"I'm sorry," I finally said, brokenly. This time I meant it.

He didn't respond. He simply helped me up and buckled me in again before swerving back onto the road.

"And thank you," I mumbled, touching the dip of my breasts and remembering how close he had been. My heart was beating so, so fast.

* * *

><p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you liked it :) Please review; reviews mean a lot to me.<p> 


	8. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

* * *

><p>"Edward Cullen."<p>

My classmates turned to look at me. They were waiting patiently for me to say something – as if they thought I had the answer. Little they knew; I was just as lost.

"Edward Cullen." Mr. Wilkins looked up from the computer screen. "Edward Cullen? Not here again?"

"No, sir," I whispered.

Edward had not come to school for over three days.

_Where are you? Are you still mad at me? –Bella_

My texts were left ignored, unanswered, this whole time. It was about time I gave up but I couldn't – because maybe in a minute or two, the screen could at last blink with his replying text.

_Edward. Did you die or what. –Bella_

But a minute or two was turning into an hour or two, a day or two…

Besides, after all, he could be busy doing just about anything. The possibilities were endless, and I didn't know much about his life. Maybe it was a family thing, emergency. Or maybe he was just skipping school just because.

Maybe he was watching his favorite TV show.

Sleeping.

Playing videogames.

Hanging out with friends.

Out with his family.

_STOP IGNORING ME. –Bella_

But whatever it was, the reply never came.

Maybe he just didn't have the time to waste on me.

* * *

><p>Frustration got the best of me by the time school was out. I was fuming for no rational reason, channeling all my disappointment into anger, and I decided that I couldn't care less –<p>

"Bella! Wait up!"

"What?" I grumbled as Emmett slowed to a stop in front of me.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry," I mumbled and used more than enough energy to shut the truck door back close. "What's up?"

"Yeah…"

It was my turn to raise the eyebrow. He was obviously stalling, dragging at that word, and he looked… shy.

"Well, it's kind of last minute…" What he said next rushed out of his mouth at hundred miles per house. "But I wanted to ask you if you could go to Homecoming with me next Saturday."

Caught off guard, I could only nod very slowly – not because I was saying yes but because I was trying to digest the hell he was talking about.

"As friends, of course," he added with an abnormally large grin.

But tossing in the word "friends" didn't do much to change the context.

"Damn. Has Edward asked you already?"

"Seriously?"

"No way." If it were any other situation, I would have found his gaping mouth comical. "Mike Newton?"

"No!"

"Then why not? Please, Bella? I have no one else to go with."

I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or offended.

"I'm a horrible dancer," I confessed. "I might end up breaking your toe."

"It's okay. I'm not a dancer either. We can break each other's toes."

"I don't have to be in the parade with the rest of the Homecoming Court."

"No one cares about the parade," he scoffed. "Besides, I'm just the Runner-Up Prince."

"I don't have a dress."

"Oh, come on!" He grinned with all his teeth. "That's a pathetic excuse."

I sighed. I was out of excuses. "Fine. You owe me big time."

He did the whole punching the air thing that guys did so well, in wild celebration, as I crawled into my car and started the engine.

"Thanks, Em. Now everyone's staring," I mumbled as I tried to pull out as quickly as possible.

Only, he knocked on my window and motioned me to roll it down.

"You're not going to tell me to pay for my own ticket, are you?" I grumbled.

"Oh, hell no." His dimpled smile turned serious for once. "Hey, kiddo, if you're worried about him –"

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow.

"Right. If you're _angry _with him… well, give him a break. He has his moments."

"It has nothing to do with him."

"Then how do you know I'm talking about Edward?"

"Bye, Emmett."

"Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec." He scratched the back of his head, uncomfortable. "Look, I didn't want to tell you this because Edward would be pissed. But I'm going to tell you anyway. It's the one-year anniversary soon."

"Of what?" I actually gasped. "Oh."

"Yeah." He slapped a hand on my truck. "Well, I gotta go. Coach is already freaking out because Edward's skipping both school and practice. See you, Bella! And thanks!"

I waved goodbye, and continued to wave even when Emmett disappeared into the gym.

Ignorant, ignorant me.

* * *

><p>I had no idea what I was doing in front of Edward's exceptionally large house.<p>

"Oh, my God," I whispered to myself. Oh, God, the idiocy of my actions… "What the hell am I doing here?"

I was frantically finding my way back toward my truck when I heard his voice.

"Fancy seeing you here."

I jumped.

And there he was. Chin propped on his hand, Edward was sitting on the windowsill of the second floor. He was wearing nothing except some washed blue jeans and glasses.

He looked so… hot. And free. And casual.

"Um, fancy seeing you here too," I replied quietly and awkwardly, watching his bare foot dangle. How long had he been sitting there?

"Why are you stalking me?"

"I'm not!" I knew I was staring at his chest now, but good God, I couldn't help it.

"Okay, then." He smirked as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. "So you're just lurking. Like a stalker."

I huffed. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"I – you were gone for a long time, and I… well, because…"

"You know I'm just messing." He yawned and stretched his back. "Door's open. Come in."

* * *

><p>No one else was home. I hovered stupidly in the corridors until he came down, just barely pulling on a shirt and attempting to fix his bed hair. I never knew he wore glasses.<p>

"Nice house," I said, and I meant it. "I thought you were sick."

"Who said," he said before motioning for me to follow.

He took me to his room, and I was surprised at how comfortable he seemed with that.

On the other hand, it was my first time sitting around in a guy's room, and I was more or less uneasy. I tried to hide it.

While he sat on his futon, I sat next to his stereo and ran my hands down the different records. Some were extremely old, and others were brand new.

"No bed?" I asked amusedly.

"That's the first thing you notice?" He arched an eyebrow. Naughty. "I'm an insomniac, remember?"

And then he let out a spontaneous, carefree laugh.

And he was the same Edward Cullen I'd always known.

But what did I expect? See him cry over his dead girlfriend? I knew I shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but Edward Cullen just didn't seem like the type to mope. And he wasn't moping. He looked just fine.

Except I saw a suspicious-looking binder on his bedside table.

"What's that?" I asked out loud.

"Something I was planning to destroy before I saw you stalking me outside."

I rolled my eyes. It was weird, though – it didn't really sound like a joke.

He began to rummage through the pages and take out square pieces – photos, I realized.

"You collage?" I asked in astonishment, scooting closer to him.

"Used to," he mumbled back, and his fleeting glance in my direction made me squirm. "Here."

I stared at his hand and the binder he was holding. "I can look at it?"

"Yeah." He gestured toward the pile of photos he pulled out next to him. "Except those."

The pictures featured his life over the last few years. There was Emmett. There was Mike. There was the entire volleyball team, actually. And then there were others – mostly girls – even Jessica Stanley. Most of the girls looked older than me, though, and were really pretty. So it was true that he only hung out with older girls… But where was _the _girl?

I peeked at the removed pictures that lay face down on his futon. But before I could muster up the courage to ask, he put everything away. That sneaky bastard.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Did you get my messages?"

"Yeah."

"Voice mails?"

"Yeah."

"All of them?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I paused. "And Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"No one's as tough as you try to pull off. So don't."

For the first time, I saw his smile falter.

"You're lonely. You're sad. You're scared. Don't ever lie about those feelings. Okay?"

I felt a sense of déjà vu wash over me as he fell forward toward my body. He reached out to hold my wrists – like handcuffs – as if he was worried that I would walk away.

He dipped his head down to my shoulder. His eyelashes and hair tickled my skin just like that other time, but I liked him there. I liked that I could take care of him. I liked that he was depending on me.

But by the time I could see his face again, all trace of any sadness or vulnerability in his eyes was completely gone; he was smiling, actually.

I watched in disbelief as he slid out of the room.

"Where are you going?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"The kitchen. I'm starving."

"What? But –"

"I have some leftover lasagna. Want?"

I was speechless, and so confused that I fell sideward on his sheets. "Um, yeah, sure, whatever."

Emmett was right. Edward never let anything loose. From time to time, I'd find him depressed or angry. So I would take one more glimpse at him – just to make sure that I was seeing it right – but by then, he would have the beautiful smile back. It was a smile so always cheerful that I couldn't help but wonder whether or not the sadness in his eyes ever existed in the first place. It was weird, but it was Edward.

But he didn't fool me this time. I definitely did not imagine the tears on the skin of my neck.

* * *

><p>"When do your parents come home?" I shivered because the house was pretty cold. Everything was so clean, white, and shiny in this kitchen. "It's getting pretty late."<p>

Edward shrugged a shoulder and continued to stare at the microwave and the food inside. I could only see the side of his face, but his eyes were vacant.

There was no more conversation until the microwave turned off and he took out the food.

"Do you cook for yourself?" I asked when the delicious smell of the tomato sauce hit my nostrils.

He kind of cracked up as he cut up the small pan of lasagna into two squares. He handed over a plate and gestured me toward the kitchen island table.

"What did I miss?"

He grinned mischievously. "Nothing."

We ate in silence. It reminded me of that time at the barbecue. But he did seem out of it tonight; he was usually a voracious eater, but now he wasn't really eating his food – he was poking it, really.

Then I realized it was because he was staring at me.

"Stop staring. It's rude," I mumbled.

He shrugged. "It's weird. No one ever comes into the kitchen – excluding my dad, Emmett, and Rose. But those three are never around nowadays, so."

All I could do was laugh awkwardly. He shouldn't bring _her_ up so casually in our conversations.

I also took note of the fact that he didn't mention his mom.

A divorce, maybe?

"Are you going to Homecoming?"

I blinked up at him, startled once by his question and again by his intense stare.

"Are you?" he pressed.

"I wasn't planning on it, but I guess I am now." My cheeks turned red. "Emmett asked today."

He froze in the middle of chewing. "Emmett asked you?"

I nodded.

"That asshole." He took a quick glimpse at me. "He beat me."

My stomach stirred.

"I should warn you, though," he mumbled. "Emmett has two left feet when it comes to dancing."

"So do I," I said, shrugging. "Well, I didn't see you as the type to go to school dances."

"I have no choice." He tiredly rolled his eyes. "Me. Homecoming Prince. Remember?"

"Oh!" I snorted. "Right – one of your _many_ troubles in life."

I felt like laughing at the image of him getting crowned and robed. If I didn't know him so well, I would have thought the title fit him well – after all, he had his good looks and popularity. "Prince" was not who he was.

For the rest of dinner, we exchanged even fewer words, and the long silences allowed me to mull over everything that happened the hour before. I made no progress in figuring things out even as I helped him with the dishes.

Something was off when I stepped out of his house. I couldn't put a finger on what, but things only got stranger when he grabbed my hand and stopped me from walking away.

I let out a small breath as he twirled me around. His body, a shadow in the darkness and the lights that were streaming out of his house, loomed over me.

"Bella."

I squinted and tried to locate his eyes. "Edward?"

"Remember when you told me you liked me?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"Do you still?"

He was leaning toward me, and I was still trying to find his eyes – find some kind of clue – hint –

_What are you thinking, Edward?_

I looked down. "I don't know."

Then he did something unexpected and tipped my chin up. His eyes had never penetrated me this way, and I felt like those eyes saw something in me that said yes.

"Don't tease me," he murmured as he closed the distance between us.

He kissed me deep. I wasn't used to a kiss this intense and assertive, but I didn't mind and let him lead because even his kiss was so _him _– confusing, unpredictable, haunting, and so, so good.

Lips moving greedily against mine, he placed a hand behind my neck – and I had to tiptoe – so he could have me better. And when he carded his fingers through each one of mine and squeezed, I felt as if he was squeezing my insides as well.

And at that moment, all I wished was that he would hold me that way again and again.

* * *

><p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you liked it :) Please review; reviews mean a lot to me.<p> 


	9. Chapter 8

CHAPTER SEVEN

* * *

><p>"Edward Cullen."<p>

My classmates turned to look at me. They were waiting patiently for me to say something – as if they thought I had the answer. Little they knew; I was just as lost.

"Edward Cullen." Mr. Wilkins looked up from the computer screen. "Edward Cullen? Not here again?"

"No, sir," I whispered.

Edward had not come to school for over three days.

_Where are you? Are you still mad at me? –Bella_

My texts were left ignored, unanswered, this whole time. It was about time I gave up but I couldn't – because maybe in a minute or two, the screen could at last blink with his replying text.

_Edward. Did you die or what. –Bella_

But a minute or two was turning into an hour or two, a day or two…

Besides, after all, he could be busy doing just about anything. The possibilities were endless, and I didn't know much about his life. Maybe it was a family thing, emergency. Or maybe he was just skipping school just because.

Maybe he was watching his favorite TV show.

Sleeping.

Playing videogames.

Hanging out with friends.

Out with his family.

_STOP IGNORING ME. –Bella_

But whatever it was, the reply never came.

Maybe he just didn't have the time to waste on me.

* * *

><p>Frustration got the best of me by the time school was out. I was fuming for no rational reason, channeling all my disappointment into anger, and I decided that I couldn't care less –<p>

"Bella! Wait up!"

"What?" I grumbled as Emmett slowed to a stop in front of me.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry," I mumbled and used more than enough energy to shut the truck door back close. "What's up?"

"Yeah…"

It was my turn to raise the eyebrow. He was obviously stalling, dragging at that word, and he looked… shy.

"Well, it's kind of last minute…" What he said next rushed out of his mouth at hundred miles per house. "But I wanted to ask you if you could go to Homecoming with me next Saturday."

Caught off guard, I could only nod very slowly – not because I was saying yes but because I was trying to digest the hell he was talking about.

"As friends, of course," he added with an abnormally large grin.

But tossing in the word "friends" didn't do much to change the context.

"Damn. Has Edward asked you already?"

"Seriously?"

"No way." If it were any other situation, I would have found his gaping mouth comical. "Mike Newton?"

"No!"

"Then why not? Please, Bella? I have no one else to go with."

I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or offended.

"I'm a horrible dancer," I confessed. "I might end up breaking your toe."

"It's okay. I'm not a dancer either. We can break each other's toes."

"I don't have to be in the parade with the rest of the Homecoming Court."

"No one cares about the parade," he scoffed. "Besides, I'm just the Runner-Up Prince."

"I don't have a dress."

"Oh, come on!" He grinned with all his teeth. "That's a pathetic excuse."

I sighed. I was out of excuses. "Fine. You owe me big time."

He did the whole punching the air thing that guys did so well, in wild celebration, as I crawled into my car and started the engine.

"Thanks, Em. Now everyone's staring," I mumbled as I tried to pull out as quickly as possible.

Only, he knocked on my window and motioned me to roll it down.

"You're not going to tell me to pay for my own ticket, are you?" I grumbled.

"Oh, hell no." His dimpled smile turned serious for once. "Hey, kiddo, if you're worried about him –"

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow.

"Right. If you're _angry _with him… well, give him a break. He has his moments."

"It has nothing to do with him."

"Then how do you know I'm talking about Edward?"

"Bye, Emmett."

"Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec." He scratched the back of his head, uncomfortable. "Look, I didn't want to tell you this because Edward would be pissed. But I'm going to tell you anyway. It's the one-year anniversary soon."

"Of what?" I actually gasped. "Oh."

"Yeah." He slapped a hand on my truck. "Well, I gotta go. Coach is already freaking out because Edward's skipping both school and practice. See you, Bella! And thanks!"

I waved goodbye, and continued to wave even when Emmett disappeared into the gym.

Ignorant, ignorant me.

* * *

><p>I had no idea what I was doing in front of Edward's exceptionally large house.<p>

"Oh, my God," I whispered to myself. Oh, God, the idiocy of my actions… "What the hell am I doing here?"

I was frantically finding my way back toward my truck when I heard his voice.

"Fancy seeing you here."

I jumped.

And there he was. Chin propped on his hand, Edward was sitting on the windowsill of the second floor. He was wearing nothing except some washed blue jeans and glasses.

He looked so… hot. And free. And casual.

"Um, fancy seeing you here too," I replied quietly and awkwardly, watching his bare foot dangle. How long had he been sitting there?

"Why are you stalking me?"

"I'm not!" I knew I was staring at his chest now, but good God, I couldn't help it.

"Okay, then." He smirked as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. "So you're just lurking. Like a stalker."

I huffed. "I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"I – you were gone for a long time, and I… well, because…"

"You know I'm just messing." He yawned and stretched his back. "Door's open. Come in."

* * *

><p>No one else was home. I hovered stupidly in the corridors until he came down, just barely pulling on a shirt and attempting to fix his bed hair. I never knew he wore glasses.<p>

"Nice house," I said, and I meant it. "I thought you were sick."

"Who said," he said before motioning for me to follow.

He took me to his room, and I was surprised at how comfortable he seemed with that.

On the other hand, it was my first time sitting around in a guy's room, and I was more or less uneasy. I tried to hide it.

While he sat on his futon, I sat next to his stereo and ran my hands down the different records. Some were extremely old, and others were brand new.

"No bed?" I asked amusedly.

"That's the first thing you notice?" He arched an eyebrow. Naughty. "I'm an insomniac, remember?"

And then he let out a spontaneous, carefree laugh.

And he was the same Edward Cullen I'd always known.

But what did I expect? See him cry over his dead girlfriend? I knew I shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but Edward Cullen just didn't seem like the type to mope. And he wasn't moping. He looked just fine.

Except I saw a suspicious-looking binder on his bedside table.

"What's that?" I asked out loud.

"Something I was planning to destroy before I saw you stalking me outside."

I rolled my eyes. It was weird, though – it didn't really sound like a joke.

He began to rummage through the pages and take out square pieces – photos, I realized.

"You collage?" I asked in astonishment, scooting closer to him.

"Used to," he mumbled back, and his fleeting glance in my direction made me squirm. "Here."

I stared at his hand and the binder he was holding. "I can look at it?"

"Yeah." He gestured toward the pile of photos he pulled out next to him. "Except those."

The pictures featured his life over the last few years. There was Emmett. There was Mike. There was the entire volleyball team, actually. And then there were others – mostly girls – even Jessica Stanley. Most of the girls looked older than me, though, and were really pretty. So it was true that he only hung out with older girls… But where was _the _girl?

I peeked at the removed pictures that lay face down on his futon. But before I could muster up the courage to ask, he put everything away. That sneaky bastard.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Did you get my messages?"

"Yeah."

"Voice mails?"

"Yeah."

"All of them?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I paused. "And Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"No one's as tough as you try to pull off. So don't."

For the first time, I saw his smile falter.

"You're lonely. You're sad. You're scared. Don't ever lie about those feelings. Okay?"

I felt a sense of déjà vu wash over me as he fell forward toward my body. He reached out to hold my wrists – like handcuffs – as if he was worried that I would walk away.

He dipped his head down to my shoulder. His eyelashes and hair tickled my skin just like that other time, but I liked him there. I liked that I could take care of him. I liked that he was depending on me.

But by the time I could see his face again, all trace of any sadness or vulnerability in his eyes was completely gone; he was smiling, actually.

I watched in disbelief as he slid out of the room.

"Where are you going?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"The kitchen. I'm starving."

"What? But –"

"I have some leftover lasagna. Want?"

I was speechless, and so confused that I fell sideward on his sheets. "Um, yeah, sure, whatever."

Emmett was right. Edward never let anything loose. From time to time, I'd find him depressed or angry. So I would take one more glimpse at him – just to make sure that I was seeing it right – but by then, he would have the beautiful smile back. It was a smile so always cheerful that I couldn't help but wonder whether or not the sadness in his eyes ever existed in the first place. It was weird, but it was Edward.

But he didn't fool me this time. I definitely did not imagine the tears on the skin of my neck.

* * *

><p>"When do your parents come home?" I shivered because the house was pretty cold. Everything was so clean, white, and shiny in this kitchen. "It's getting pretty late."<p>

Edward shrugged a shoulder and continued to stare at the microwave and the food inside. I could only see the side of his face, but his eyes were vacant.

There was no more conversation until the microwave turned off and he took out the food.

"Do you cook for yourself?" I asked when the delicious smell of the tomato sauce hit my nostrils.

He kind of cracked up as he cut up the small pan of lasagna into two squares. He handed over a plate and gestured me toward the kitchen island table.

"What did I miss?"

He grinned mischievously. "Nothing."

We ate in silence. It reminded me of that time at the barbecue. But he did seem out of it tonight; he was usually a voracious eater, but now he wasn't really eating his food – he was poking it, really.

Then I realized it was because he was staring at me.

"Stop staring. It's rude," I mumbled.

He shrugged. "It's weird. No one ever comes into the kitchen – excluding my dad, Emmett, and Rose. But those three are never around nowadays, so."

All I could do was laugh awkwardly. He shouldn't bring _her_ up so casually in our conversations.

I also took note of the fact that he didn't mention his mom.

A divorce, maybe?

"Are you going to Homecoming?"

I blinked up at him, startled once by his question and again by his intense stare.

"Are you?" he pressed.

"I wasn't planning on it, but I guess I am now." My cheeks turned red. "Emmett asked today."

He froze in the middle of chewing. "Emmett asked you?"

I nodded.

"That asshole." He took a quick glimpse at me. "He beat me."

My stomach stirred.

"I should warn you, though," he mumbled. "Emmett has two left feet when it comes to dancing."

"So do I," I said, shrugging. "Well, I didn't see you as the type to go to school dances."

"I have no choice." He tiredly rolled his eyes. "Me. Homecoming Prince. Remember?"

"Oh!" I snorted. "Right – one of your _many_ troubles in life."

I felt like laughing at the image of him getting crowned and robed. If I didn't know him so well, I would have thought the title fit him well – after all, he had his good looks and popularity. "Prince" was not who he was.

For the rest of dinner, we exchanged even fewer words, and the long silences allowed me to mull over everything that happened the hour before. I made no progress in figuring things out even as I helped him with the dishes.

Something was off when I stepped out of his house. I couldn't put a finger on what, but things only got stranger when he grabbed my hand and stopped me from walking away.

I let out a small breath as he twirled me around. His body, a shadow in the darkness and the lights that were streaming out of his house, loomed over me.

"Bella."

I squinted and tried to locate his eyes. "Edward?"

"Remember when you told me you liked me?"

My heart skipped a beat.

"Do you still?"

He was leaning toward me, and I was still trying to find his eyes – find some kind of clue – hint –

_What are you thinking, Edward?_

I looked down. "I don't know."

Then he did something unexpected and tipped my chin up. His eyes had never penetrated me this way, and I felt like those eyes saw something in me that said yes.

"Don't tease me," he murmured as he closed the distance between us.

He kissed me deep. I wasn't used to a kiss this intense and assertive, but I didn't mind and let him lead because even his kiss was so _him _– confusing, unpredictable, haunting, and so, so good.

Lips moving greedily against mine, he placed a hand behind my neck – and I had to tiptoe – so he could have me better. And when he carded his fingers through each one of mine and squeezed, I felt as if he was squeezing my insides as well.

And at that moment, all I wished was that he would hold me that way again and again.

* * *

><p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: I hope you liked it :) Please review; reviews mean a lot to me.<p> 


	10. Chapter 9

CHAPTER EIGHT

* * *

><p>Soft, soft lips. Strong arms. Fingers between fingers. Warmth. Short, uneven breaths. Smell of spring and morning dew. Sweetness. Musk. Man. Boy.<p>

Edward, Edward, Edward.

I barely stifled a yawn as I opened my locker. School didn't even start, but I was already exhausted. It was funny, though, that I had a goofy grin on my face.

"Ooh, late night, Bella?" Emmett greeted me. He banged his muscular shoulder against my backbone. "Already excited for Homecoming, huh?

"You wish, Em."

"You know it!"

Then I heard _him._

"Morning," Edward said, voice soft and warm, as he approached us.

"I see you're finally off your lazy ass." Emmett grinned and wrapped an arm around Edward's neck into a headlock. "Coach will _kill _you today."

Edward snorted. Then his eyes were on me. "Morning."

I had to literally order my lips to speak. "Morning," I echoed.

I had spent the entire night planning not to blush, and here I was, blushing more furiously than ever. And there he was, all in his nonchalant, poised glory. Unfair. It was so unfair.

When the bell rang, in a rush to escape _his_ presence, I stumbled and kind of bumped into Emmett, who joked something about my clumsiness. I wanted to die.

When I looked up, though, Edward was gone.

I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or not.

* * *

><p>By last class rolled around, I was in a terrible mood.<p>

Edward never came by the gym during lunch, and in English, we exchanged less than five words.

I wondered if something was wrong again. I wanted to talk to him – ask him if he was okay, although it really wasn't my business.

Whenever I looked at him during class, he was either concentrating on the assignment or staring, bored, at the empty whiteboard. It was ridiculous; he never gave me a glance – not even a show of acknowledgement.

"Hey," I said when the end-of-class bell rang. _Please look at me._

His response was a nonchalant hum. And he definitely did not turn to look. I wanted to punch him in the face.

"Hey," I said once more. _Talk to me._

And then he did. "Yes, Bella?"

He did not sound rude. Or hostile. Or friendly. Just… disgustingly normal.

I blushed like the idiot I was and just shook my head.

He shrugged in response, made the signature move of running a hand down my hair, and left.

I was puzzled. After all, we'd kissed.

If he felt the same way about me the way I felt about him, he was a terribly good actor. Me? I was simply a terrible actress.

* * *

><p>School was in high spirits for the upcoming series of Homecoming events. And somehow, I was dragged by the hand by Jessica Stanley the moment classes ended. She said I could be a lot of help decorating the stadium for the night's pep rally, and although she offered the job, she never gave me the chance to say yes or no.<p>

She was surprisingly nice company, though, and kept me occupied with her funny conversations. But that was until she decided to abandon me and help the other committee working right outside the stadium.

I was one minute away from bailing when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Mike, hi," I greeted brightly.

"Hey, you." He sat next to me on the floor and took the mess in with wide eyes. "What is all this?"

"This is my working corner," I announced proudly. "For the confetti."

"I see that…" He stared at the strips of blue and yellow paper in awe. "Damn, you have to actually cut these up for every darn pep rally? That's a lot of work right here."

Smirking, I handed him a pair of scissors. "You can help."

He laughed nervously. "I would… but… I got to work on the convertible…"

"Funny." I rolled my eyes. "Jessica and Emmett said the same thing."

"I'm serious!" he said innocently. "We were just going to rehearse the parade but realized that the main guy is missing."

Yeah. That was Edward Cullen right there. "Typically Edward Cullen."

"Yeah. Do you know where he is?"

I shrugged. "How would I know?"

"Maybe because you two are joined at the hip nowadays?"

I almost cut my finger. I gaped down at the paper squares, and Mike Newton lightly bumped his shoulder against mine.

"You two going out?" he asked.

I snorted. "The thought. Of course not."

"Good."

"Good?"

He smiled. "That _didn't _come out wrong."

"Go away, Mike."

"Yes, ma'am…" He saluted me in a way only few guys could pull off as he stood. "So you coming tonight?"

"Definitely." I gestured toward the box of square paper pieces. "I _have _to see these fly after all this work."

"Good," Mike repeated, grinning.

"Good?" I also repeated, this time raising my eyebrow.

"It'll be an excuse to see you."

"Oh, Mike," I said to myself, smiling, as he walked off.

* * *

><p>"So what's it like to hang out with him every day?"<p>

"Um…"

"We're serious. What's he like?"

"He's aloof most of the time," I muttered, inching away when the circle of girls tightened around me. I took a glance around the gym in an attempt to find an escape from the suffocating heat, shoving crowd, loud noise, and these pushy girls.

"Tell us more!"

I cleared my throat and raised my voice so they could hear me, "Edward's a nice, sweet guy. A bit unpredictable sometimes, but –"

"Does he have a new girlfriend?"

"What colleges is he applying to?"

"Does he drink Coke or Pepsi?"

"Does he sleep nude? Wait, you wouldn't know that…"

I would crawl out of here if I could.

I'd never been more grateful when Emmett appeared by my side. But I'd also never been more suicidal when he asked me upfront if I was game for dinner with him and Edward.

"_Oh_," Emmett said lamely when he finally understood what my wide eyes had been hinting at.

Now, the group of girls was joining us to dinner.

I was seriously considering bailing, but I was momentarily distracted by the bright blue and yellow confetti suddenly filling up the room. Down below, fall sports athletes ran the inner perimeters of the stadium and waved goodbye at the thinning crowd, as the cheerleaders yelled their chants over other fuzzy voices.

I absently hugged a sweaty Mike Newton as I pulled myself through the people and out the doors.

* * *

><p>Emmett drove. I sat in the front with him, and the girls arranged themselves in the backseat where they sordidly gossiped the whole time.<p>

The moment I saw Edward at one of the vacant tables in the diner, I got butterflies in my stomach – and not the good kind – and decided I didn't feel like eating.

I did expect his continued blatant disregard for me. But what I didn't expect was the way his eyes settled on my face for a second before flickering away, disinterested.

"Hi, Edward!" the girls said in unison, of course not without the giggle.

Gorgeous smile. "Hey, girls."

"Hi, Edward," I said also.

"Hey."

No smile.

The girls chattered on about the upcoming boys' volleyball game down by La Push, and Emmett was the reliable conversation-inducer. Edward, however, seemed to be in his own little world as he stared at his iced tea with glazed eyes.

He also ordered breadsticks for dinner. Yeah, something was very wrong; Edward Cullen never passed a meal like that.

As we waited for our food, I wondered, worried, and mainly just watched him stir his drink for a second and sip on it for another.

"Can you believe it? I got partnered up with Alice Hale for the French project," one of the girls said with chagrin. "I'm going to kill Mr. Greene, ugh."

That caught my attention.

Sighing, the girl turned to me. "You know who I'm talking about, right, Bella?"

"I think so," I mumbled uneasily.

"She creeps me out," another girl said, shuddering. "She was in Honors Lit with me last year, and…"

I squirmed. Edward looked as if he didn't even know who Alice Hale was.

"I don't think she's that creepy," I interrupted carefully, and all eyes instantaneously turned to me. "I mean, I talked to her once. She didn't seem so bad."

One girl snorted. "Bella, you're too sweet."

I scowled. I felt Emmett's warning hand on my lap but ignored it. "No, really. Alice might just happen to be a quiet person who likes to keep it to herself."

"But she isn't," another bit off. "Bella, I don't think you understand. You have no clue what a jealous, mean brat she turned into when Edward started dating Rose. She was –"

"Hey," Emmett cut in at last, uncharacteristically calm. He nodded tersely. "That's enough, girls."

As if the girls only then detected Edward's presence, they quieted down. In the awkward silence, we held our breaths and peeked at the boy from the corners of our eyes.

But he was as inscrutable as always. Still stirring the iced tea. Biting on the straw. Not really looking at anything.

"I'm okay with the discussion if that's what you are worrying about." Edward's eyes slowly moved up to meet ours. He shrugged. "Pretend I'm not here."

The girls shared sheepish looks, and I dropped my gaze to study the engraving on the table.

"And Bella?" Edward called.

"Yes?" I said, looking up in surprise.

"You really shouldn't go around saying things you can't testify to." A hint of a strangely void smirk found his lips. "You're not in the position to defend or judge anyone here. You're new. You're not one of us. You don't know anything about _any_ of us."

His eyes bored into mine, and the indecipherable look I found in them scared me.

I couldn't look at anyone as I rose to my feet. I heard Emmett calling my name, but I never looked back, fearing what other scathing look I'd see in Edward Cullen's eyes if I did.

* * *

><p>I wasn't sure what was more dominant – embarrassment or anger.<p>

I wanted to call Edward all the meanest names in the world in all the different languages. He gave me whiplashes, which were more often than not devastating blows to my mental psyche; he was like that since the first day I met him. He was so cruel, evasive, and selfish, and I knew I didn't deserve that kind of treatment from him.

I felt a sense of déjà vu wash over me when a familiar touch wrapped around my hand and flipped me around.

It was him. Of course it was him. It was always him.

"What now?" I muttered. I was privately glad that I was crying, but embarrassed that I had a bit of snot running down my nose.

Edward sighed and scratched the back of his neck. "I didn't mean it."

I glared at his hand. "Just let me go, okay?"

And he did. But I stayed.

I realized the must have anticipated that. God, I hated that I couldn't walk away.

"Bella, I didn't mean it," he repeated.

Some part of me wanted to hear him out, but the bigger part didn't. So I turned and strode off again.

But I was _so_ angry.

I slowed down.

He was so unfair.

I stopped.

I quickly retraced my steps and hurled my purse at him, watching with satisfaction when he ducked.

I let out an angry breath. "You confuse me so, so much! What is your problem because you have serious issues! You're so selfish and _cold_, but then you're so _nice_ again – why do you do this to me?"

"I didn't mean it," he said again and again.

"So what if you didn't mean it?" I sighed at last, exhausted but still mad. "That doesn't mean it wasn't true."

I groaned when I felt moisture gather in my eyes. All the frustration that had been building up inside me was finally making an appearance.

Hating the way I felt so vulnerable with my pent-up tears, I directed my face up at the night sky. I put my hands on my closed eyes and actually made my lips smile a little so the tears would not fall. And I would not cry. I would not cry. I would not cry.

At least not in front of him.

"She's all you care about anyway," I mumbled. "You're right. I don't know anything about you. I don't know anything about it. But that's only because you're so busy protecting yourself with those stupid, goofy smiles –"

"Let me tell you something."

I tore my hands off and tipped my face down.

And there was the smile. Only, the gentle smile didn't reach his eyes.

When he put our faces together, I thought he was going to kiss me again.

I felt barricaded but protected, as my eyes leveled with his collarbone.

His Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he spoke.

"My mom died when I was seven.

"My dad can barely look at my face anymore.

"And my girlfriend cheated on me."

I let out a breath in a whoosh.

His breath, in turn, lightly brushed against my hair.

"So there you go. That's it. Now you know." He stepped away and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Now you know all of it."

* * *

><p>AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for not updating for the past many months. I don't want to make an excuse but I feel as though I actually <em>have <em>to make an excuse for this. Well, the excuse would be that I am a junior in high school who is taking four APs (this is a challenge for me anyway) and polishing up her resume so she can apply to good Ivy League schools this upcoming fall. Life gets in the way... I hope everyone understands! I hope everyone enjoyed reading, though! And please leave a review!

Sarah


	11. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER NINE**

* * *

><p>"Really?" was the first thing that left my mouth.<p>

It was as if all time stopped, because his sedated gaze, directed right at me, stayed unmoving. But then he… smirked.

"No."

I blinked up at him, and then – WHACK!

"You're so full of it!" I was ready to hurl my purse at his head for the third time if he so made me. But I was smiling. Definitely smiling. "You can't just lie about stuff like that and –"

"Relax!" He laughed and recoiled, caressing the spot on his forehead where I knew I hit him. "What I said – it's true; it's just that you were looking at me weirdly."

I faltered. "Oh."

He dug his toe into the ground. "Yeah."

I took a step forward.

He took a step backward.

I frowned a little and approached him again.

He took another step away. "Why are you doing that?"

"Why are _you_ doing that?" I took two steps forward this time. "Stop that! I'm not going to bite."

He took two steps away. "No, but you did maul me with your purse…_ twice._"

But I pulled him closer by the arm, and he didn't fight. With just a few inches between us, I placed a hand on his forehead and muttered an apology.

In the night chill, my eyes started to water. I'd never felt so overwhelmed – and all with Edward's mood swings, mine, his confession, and just my unstable hormones in general… My shoulders began to shake as a weird noise – a dry sob – erupted from my mouth.

"Are you… crying?" Edward said, amused.

"No!" I managed to say.

"Yeah, you are."

"What's wrong with me?" I buried my face in his chest and sniffled.

"Donno." He stood frozen as he ran his hand down my hair again and again. "Hey, I'm not really good at this… and this is kind of weird."

I jumped back. "I'm going home." I turned swiftly but paused for a second to peek back at him. "And sorry for hitting you… and crying and… bye."

Edward's hand around my wrist stopped me.

"What?" I pulled my hand close to my chest and wriggled my fingers because they felt tingly.

Edward sighed. I wondered what he was going to do when I found his eyes suddenly boring into mine in his lazy way.

"Do you cook?" he asked.

"What? Me?" Oh, boy. What was he thinking now? "Um, yeah, for Charlie…"

"Okay." Smiling softly, he dangled his keys in front of me. "Cook for me tonight?"

* * *

><p>"You suck at cooking."<p>

Edward raised an eyebrow. "And how better are you?"

He poked at the salad I attempted to make.

I scowled at the gooey sandwich he attempted to make.

I wanted to bang my head against the kitchen counter. "So _that's_ why you laughed, right? When I asked you about the lasagna?"

Edward grinned – at least he looked somewhat embarrassed. He kept insulting my cooking skills, though.

"Hey, it's not my fault there's nothing in your fridge!" I said defensively.

He didn't seem to believe me.

"I'll show you I can cook," I promised him with narrowed eyes. "One day."

But for the night, we decided to order pizza.

"So why did you ask me to cook for you?" I asked as I plopped down on the sofa.

He was dialing the number of the pizza place as if it was second nature, and I took note of that with amusement. He was probably their favorite customer.

"'Cause I had to leave behind my order to catch up with you." He looked completely shameless. "And I prepaid, so."

My jaw went unhinged, and I attempted to throw the TV remote at his face. I missed, though, and burst out laughing. He was smiling too.

What else did I expect from the bluntest man on earth?

* * *

><p>I was distantly listening to the conversation between Edward and the pizza delivery guy when I noticed the obscure family portraits on top of the fireplace.<p>

I wondered.

Just as I was to inspect them at a closer view, I heard the front door close.

"Can I ask you something?" I said quietly as Edward slid the pizza box onto the table. If he noticed my scrutiny, he didn't say anything. "Do you ever have moments when – …"

He was grinning like a child, rubbing his hands together, as he excitedly opened the box lid. Yeah, he had his appetite again. "When what?"

"When you just want to get angry at the world?"

"Why so philosophical?"

"No, seriously. I remember telling you that you seem very satisfied with your life." I didn't go on and explain how now I knew that his life was actually far from perfect at a closer view. I watched as he balanced one slice of pizza on one hand and then the other before shouting "hot potato" and tossing it to me. "How do you do it?"

He gave me a look. "What makes you think I don't do that already – get mad at the world?"

I concentrated on peeling the pepperoni off my slice to avoid his gaze. "It seems like you just let it be. No accusations, no nothing."

"'Cause it makes my life easier."

I sat up straighter. "How?"

"It's always better when you just let it go." He shrugged and began flipping through the TV channels with his greasy fingers. "That way, you don't really think much about the what-if's or have disappointments about what's happened."

His reasoning didn't sound fair, but I didn't say that. What I did say was that he was weird, but only because I knew he would not take umbrage on that statement.

"But I'm standing straight, Bella," he told me as he finally settled on a movie channel. When he glimpsed at me, there was a smirk in his eyes. "It's the others that are standing askew."

* * *

><p>Around eight, I yawned and turned off the television.<p>

"Hey, Edward?"

He grunted.

"Do you have ice cream?"

"Ice cream?" His voice was muffled by the couch cushions. "Nope."

He was lying face down on the sofa, his back rising and falling with each slow breath he took. I would have guessed he was asleep if I didn't know better. I poked his butt with my foot, but he just raised an eyebrow at me before diving back into the couch, head first.

I sighed and turned the television back on.

It was silent for the next few minutes. Then Edward groaned and rose to a sitting position. He yawned and stretched, and after mussing my hair, he helped me up and grabbed his keys.

* * *

><p>"What kind of girl are you?" Edward said once our conversation drifted off to the incident at the beach. While his words were harsh, his tone was dispassionate; he was too busy scrutinizing the ice cream in the fridge anyway. Eventually, he picked out a Haagen-Dazs. "When two grown men corner a girl, usually the girl screams for help. You? You try reasoning with them."<p>

"Come on." I elbowed him a little. "You're not still mad about that, are you?"

"And we just watched _Texan Chainsaw Massacre_, but I didn't hear one little scream."

"Yeah, you were the one screaming."

He sent me reeling by shoving my shoulder with a bit more energy than necessary, and we started to laugh.

"You tell me I'm not as fearless as I make myself to be," he said. "Aren't you also?"

His eyes were distant, and his voice was soft. But he sounded nonchalant enough, so I teased him by saying, "I'm terrified of grades dropping, if that's what you're asking."

He snorted and handed me the ice cream. As our fingers connected, I sighed. Of course, if Edward Cullen wasn't random, he wasn't Edward Cullen at all.

"I'm terrified of the thunder." Browsing through the frozen food products, I blushed when I met his gaze. "You know, the sound of lightning?"

"Oh." He nodded and smiled. "Cool."

I wanted to ask him what _he_ was scared of, but _I_ was scared that I already knew the answer.

"I'm scared of the water."

I stopped short, and it took him a few steps before he noticed that I'd fallen behind.

"So you don't swim?" I asked quietly.

"Can't." He had turned away from me again, and all I could see was his back. "My mom drowned to death."

He said it as if it was just a little side note.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

Although he was a few feet away, he'd heard me and waved me off without looking over his shoulder. I stared, astonished, as he then began to toy around with random string cheese packages; his eyes were looking at them, but not really seeing them. He raised an eyebrow at me when he noticed my gawking.

Oh, God, Edward Cullen was just…

With the way he was looking at me, I knew that he knew what I was thinking.

"Geez, why are these stores always so cold?" I said lightheartedly, shivering as I linked my arm with his. "You know what? Let's get some other things while we're at this. Maybe even some real food for your fridge."

I steered him away to the other aisles as I began to ramble about eating Oreos with ice cream.

"I've never tried that," he admitted.

"You've been missing out big time, then," I said, grinning with all my teeth, to which he laughed.

This time, with that beautiful way he was smiling at me, I knew that he knew what I was trying to do. But he didn't say anything and simply pulled me closer to him. I snuggled even closer.

* * *

><p>Walking down the aisle next to the fresh produces, I checked my wallet and calculated the amount I could afford to spend on this random shopping spree with Edward. I wondered whether I should call my dad and ask him if he wanted anything.<p>

Spotting peanut butter on the shelf, I reached out for it when another hand did so also. The hand brushed against mine.

Standing before me was an extremely stylish, fair-headed man.

"Oh, sorry." I took a step back and smiled apologetically at him. "Go ahead."

But he didn't take the peanut butter.

I had trouble keeping my smile in place, when his eyes began to roam from the head to toe. Was he checking me out?

His lips molded into an openmouthed smirk. "You're a very pretty girl, aren't you?"

I stared back, smile now frozen.

"Isabella, is it?"

Head cocked to the side, he inspected my ID card, which was on full display. I quickly hid my wallet behind me.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" The man howled with laughter, and the sound scared me. "Don't be scared, sweetie! I'm not a bad person!"

But he didn't sound sorry or convincing at all. And where the hell was Edward anyway?

"Hmm." He stared at my stomach. "You have very nice childbearing hips."

"Excuse me, I gotta go," I muttered before hastily sidestepping him.

He followed me with ease, though, all unperturbed and relaxed. "I like you. You seem like a good girl."

"Um, sir, I really have to go now. My friend should be waiting for me. Somewhere." I broke into cold sweat because the fact that Edward was nowhere to be found was becoming clearer by the second. "Probably?"

"Friend?" The stranger grinned handsomely with all his dimples, and… wow. He looked like – "Edward, you mean?"

I blinked. "How –?"

"Bella?"

I flipped around to see my savior at last. Seeing the stranger beside me, Edward rushed forward and promptly hid me behind him. He looked… embarrassed.

"You're here again." Edward glared at the blond man. "Why?"

"Oh, you little sucker. We haven't seen each other in months, and this is how you greet me. Unbelievable."

"Please stop," Edward said tonelessly, to which the older man shook his head in no-no.

The stranger sighed loudly, hanging an arm around Edward's neck and tightening it into a headlock. Edward sprung back, annoyed. Surprisingly, the blond man was taller than Edward, who was very tall himself.

"You're such a loving son, aren't ya?" The man pinched Edward's cheeks, laughing hysterically. "Aw, my little boy, now all grown up but still cute as _ever_! You sure do have my good looks."

My eyes darted between the two men.

Same pale skin. Same shoulders. Same eyebrows. Same jaw.

Everything clicked into place.

The man grinned with twinkling blue eyes. "Pardon me, sweetie. I'm Carlisle Cullen, Edward's very handsome, very available dad."

* * *

><p>"Wow."<p>

That was all I could say, because in all honesty, Edward's dad was nothing like I imagined. Especially after what Edward told me mere hours ago –

"I'm pretty sure we're not _actually_ related," Edward muttered. Any trace of his usual smiles was completely wiped out.

On the contrary, Carlisle Cullen seemed to have sewn a permanent grin onto his face. And then I recognized the most significant resemblance; they had identical smiles, although the older man's was all golden and fun, and the young boy's was all bronze and mischievous.

"Hey, Ed," Carlisle said as his eyes snapped toward his son, "I approve."

"Approve what?"

"Silly, Edward," the adult chuckled. "You and your _girl_friend."

Edward groaned.

"If she and you were to ever –"

"Stop."

"You _are_ going to take responsibility for this girl, young man. I raised you better than that." Carlisle paused. "Well, for the last three years anyway."

Edward glanced down at me, and I chanced a glimpse up at him in return. We exchanged awkward smiles.

And – "She's just a friend," he said.

I was more than flustered. And kind of hurt.

"Ah. Okay." Carlisle crossed his arms with a smirk before glancing down at me. "So when Mr. McCarty hinted at me that a certain brunette has caught your eye, he didn't mean Bella here? But let's see. How many brown-haired Bella Swan's can there be in Forks? Will you help me find Bella, Bella?"

"Let's go, Bella," Edward said flatly.

"See ya at home, Ed." Carlisle heaved a dramatic sigh. "See ya later too, beautiful!"

I waved an unsure goodbye as Edward hauled me over to the cash register. All I could make sense of was that I just met Edward's extremely young, handsome, flirty father and that I was seeing him again in a few minutes.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Yay! Faster update! It's actually summer break, so I simultaneously have a lot of time and no time for fanfiction. I have a lot of time, since I don't have school… but I have no time because I have to start writing college app essays and such… *sigh* Well, I went on campus tours! I'm actually in the states (yes!) right now and so far have traveled from my hometown in D.C. to Virginia to New York to New Jersey to Pennsylvania. Woot! Please wish me luck on doing my applications!

Sarah

P.S. **PLEASE REVIEW**!


	12. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER TEN**

* * *

><p>"Okay, let's recap." Carlisle excitedly rubbed his hands together. "So <em>I'm<em> dad number one – the _real_ dad who got his mother to pop Edward out."

I kind of sputtered even though I wasn't drinking or saying anything. This man.

He went on, unperturbed. "The uptight guy in the picture –" he pointed at the family portraits on the fireplace "– is dad number two."

To be honest, I was uncomfortable talking to this thirty-four-year-old, blond Cullen who shot me occasional suggestive comments and leery looks, and in fact, Edward had tried to keep me away from him the moment we came back home.

Still, I was choosing to ignore all that, since this chance to get to know Edward better was too good to pass. Besides, Edward was clearly out of earshot at the moment, lying sprawled across the sofas and staring miserably up at the living room ceiling.

Even though Carlisle and I were safely in the kitchen, I still lowered my voice. "I'm sorry, Carlisle, but what exactly happened again?"

And so I learned, for the second time, that "dad number one" – Edward's biological dad – was Carlisle Cullen; "dad number two" – or stepdad – was Edward Masen, a current working lawyer; and Edward's deceased mother was Esme.

At seventeen, Carlisle and Esme fell madly in love, and in a whirlwind of lustful events, conceived a child – Edward – and married, in that order. But in another whirlwind of events – Carlisle wouldn't clarify what, and I didn't want to be nosy – the couple divorced.

Within months, Esme, coming from an affluent family in Chicago, was forced into her second marriage with Mr. Masen, whom she'd been engaged to in the first place since she was a little girl. And so Edward, just a newborn baby then, inherited his stepfather's first name but – to the dismay of both the Platt and the Masen families – kept Carlisle's last name. When Edward turned four, he and his parents moved to Seattle and stayed. The tragedy stroke when Esme passed away.

Things began to mess up then, because after all, the one thing that had kept the two Edward's together was Esme and she was gone forever.

"Apparently, Ed was in that teenage rebellion stage when he entered high school." Carlisle's tone turned less animated and more dejected. "And so dad number two bought this house and left him to do whatever he wanted. I'm sure Ed still gets the money he needs from him, who's – thank God – still in Seattle." He groaned, and for a second, I saw the dad in him. "At least the bastard has enough conscience to do that for my son."

_"My dad can barely look at my face anymore."_

I finally felt the weight of the words. To Edward, "dad" had been Edward Masen.

"If that motherfucker had gone back to Illinois and abandoned Ed in Washington, I would have ripped the entrails out of that guy and… _fuck_." Carlisle groaned again and hollered, "Son, do you have beer?"

I could hear Edward cussing under his breath.

"You shouldn't be asking me that," he said, voice steely. "'Cause the last time I checked, I'm still _underage_."

As far as I knew, he definitely indulged in alcohol, but his glare kept my mouth shut.

Carlisle's stare was blank and calm. "You know, Edward, as my son, you are sometimes a disappointment."

"If you're going to hang around in town, fine – just lay low on the alcohol, okay?"

Carlisle just rolled his eyes.

I had yet to conclude on exactly what Carlisle was but had managed to narrow down to three possibilities: oblivious, hip, or – with all due respect – plain stupid.

"He's kind of rude to you," I admitted.

"I'm more of a hated friend than a dad. I'm too young to be his dad anyway, so I think I like it this way." After shuffling through the freshly stocked fridge, he sat back down with orange juice. He momentarily mumbled something about whiskey. "Besides, we only reconnected about two, three years ago. The last time I saw him before that was when he was barely a year old. It was like seeing a stranger." His eyes softened as they zeroed on the boy in the other room. "Then again, I could have picked him out anywhere."

I laughed under my breath. "Yeah, you and he could easily be carbon copies."

"Oh, definitely. Even now, it's like seeing my seventeen-year-old self again in the flesh. But don't tell him that. He'll go berserk."

I raised my eyebrows.

"But the colors," he continued, sounding dreamy. "The hair, the eyes. That's all his mother. All Esme."

"Huh." Mm, Edward's green eyes. "She must have had beautiful eyes."

Carlisle eyed me, all slow and coy.

"You know what I mean," I said stupidly.

"Uh huh. So." He crossed his arms in front of him. "Are you in love with my son?"

I stiffened. Carlisle was grinning so big that I was sure his face was going to split.

"I'm not in –" I laughed nervously. "It's funny that you ask."

Apparently, he found it funny too. He began to cackle like an evil witch, only the sound was very masculine.

"Oh, wow, pardon me," he said at last when he was properly breathing again. He literally wiped off the tears that escaped his eyes. "But that was totally a Kodak moment. God, I love messing with teenagers."

I looked down.

"You like him though."

I shook my head, eyebrows furrowed. "I don't really know."

There was a hint of smugness in his voice. "Proceed."

"Edward's his own brand of a guy. He's kind of a jerk _and_ a gentleman."

"That's my son."

I smirked halfheartedly. "He opens doors for me. He always puts himself between the road and me like it's his second nature. And just tonight, he drove us out just to get me some ice cream I was craving."

"I taught him well."

"Yeah, but he's also cold. He's selfish. He pushes me away. Half the time, I have no idea what he's thinking. I always have to put up with his crap, and he –" _didn't even acknowledge our kiss today._

Oh, the kiss. Our kiss. The _kiss._

I'd never been kissed the way he'd kissed me.

Dazed, I covered my mouth with my hand and shook my head.

As if he understood, Carlisle nodded and brought his drink to his mouth. Even though his lips were covered by the cup, the glint in his eyes was enough to let me know that he was smirking.

"You should tell him."

I looked up, and his soft dad smile made me smile too. "Tell him what?"

"That you like him."

I heard my phone buzz in the living room.

"Charlie just texted. He thinks it's getting late, Bella," Edward yelled, an adorable grin on his lips. Oh, he'd definitely lightened up. "You should really go now!"

"Don't sound so eager," I teased back.

Of course, I could never forget that one time when I told him I "liked" him.

Edward Cullen was undoubtedly the best-looking guy I'd ever met. He was having trouble with some of his classes, but he was diligent. And although his way of coping with his problems was unhealthy, I could understand. I understood him, and I wanted to know more_. _He was mature, but still growing; he kept me on edge, but I liked trying to figure him out and what his pretty smiles meant. Most important of all, he seemed to want to figure me out too. He always kept me around, didn't he?

A wan smile spread across my lips as I realized that Edward sounded a lot like a Shakespearean tragic hero with all the drama in his life.

I sighed and grinned at Carlisle. "Oh, I'm pretty sure he already knows."

* * *

><p>I yawned and sank forward on the desk, putting the side of my face there.<p>

"What, you're done?"

I nodded tiredly.

"Damn. Lucky."

I smiled, distracted, as I watched the way Edward sullenly tapped a pen on the Literature textbook. "You know, you never told me you wear glasses."

The tapping stopped. He looked at me weirdly.

"I mean –" I pushed myself off the table. "You look nice. Smart."

He groaned and stretched a little. He squinted at the library clock on the opposite wall. "It closes at eight, right?"

"Yep. We have, like, fifteen more minutes." I returned to my slumped position. "Are you almost done?"

"Nope."

"That's okay," I mumbled. "Take your time."

Sighing, he went back to annotating Orwell. In the dragging silence, my sleepy eyes were drooping to a close.

"Are you excited for the dance tomorrow?"

"Hmm?" I only then realized that he was stealing glances at me, and I shot up. "No… Why?"

"Just." Pause. "Why are you going anyway?"

"Is there some unspoken rule that I can't?" A thought made me smirk. "Or does the Prince have a say in it?"

"No." I thought I saw him smirk too. "Although that'd be cool."

"Yeah, you'd probably just cancel the thing."

"You bet." This time, I knew he smirked. "What I meant was why did you say yes to Emmett."

"Well," I began, licking my lip, "he kind of forced me to."

"Do you like him?"

My heart. Thud. Thud. Thud.

"'Cause I think he likes you," he continued.

"You know him better than I do, Edward. He's just a… goofball."

"Yeah. A goofball that likes you."

I laughed loudly, and although there was no one else in our private study room, I cringed anyway. "Very funny."

Edward sniggered in response, but something told me he didn't find it as funny.

* * *

><p>I checked the clock again – ten minutes till closing.<p>

As Edward continued to study, I began to pack up. I was throwing in my binder when I spotted a sliver of aluminum foil inside my backpack. Oh! I had almost forgotten.

"Here." I slid it across the table to Edward. "It's some fruit cake I made this morning."

He stared at it as though he wasn't sure if he could trust it… or me.

"I didn't poison it," I teased.

He continued to stare.

"Well, only if you're hungry," I added quickly. "You did eat two Big Macs for dinner."

But he just shrugged, taking and unwrapping it.

He took a bite. And chewed. And frowned. And – "And she cooks," he mumbled, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe it.

I'd always known that the guy loved his food, but he was _devouring_ the cake. So maybe even someone like Edward Cullen was no different from a kid when it came down to baked goods. I'd have to remember that.

"This is really good." He'd already finished the two pieces I brought. "_You're _really good."

I tried not to grin too much as I wiped off the crumbs on his mouth with my thumb.

"Can you bake other things?"

"You name it; I'll bake it," I said, and his eyes lit up. "Actually, I was gonna make carrot cake, but I remembered you didn't like carrots, so."

"What can I say? I hate the smell." He scowled a bit. "How'd you know?"

"Last night at the grocery store, you were kind of glaring at them."

"Huh." He stuck his hands behind his head. "You're observant."

"I guess." I grinned. "When it comes down to you, anyway."

His hands fell limply by his sides. He was staring at me now, his eyebrows furrowed in the slightest, and it was unnerving.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nope." He recovered quickly. "I could save a lot of money cooking for myself. I wish I were you. Hey, maybe you can be me!"

"No thank you," I said teasingly. "I'd never want to be you."

"Good answer." He flashed me one introspective smile. "Because there's nothing good about being me."

No. He was doing it again.

"Maybe." I tried to look at him in what I hoped was a meaningful way. "But I'd always hang out with you than with Emmett."

I didn't see how he responded to that because I looked away.

* * *

><p>Five more minutes.<p>

The embarrassment was settling in. What was I thinking? I had sounded so bold, and now I didn't want to know what he thought of what I said.

I distractedly undid my ponytail and gathered my hair down on one shoulder.

I still wasn't looking at him as I cleared my throat. "I think we should get moving."

Without warning, Edward reached out and tucked a loose piece of my hair behind my ear. My eyes flashed over to him, and we stared at each other as his fingers lingered on my face.

I waited curiously. But if he were thinking of something, he didn't let it show.

Finally, his hand fell. "Yeah."

I gulped. Although I was very tempted to touch where his fingers had touched, I resumed to packing up; he followed my example.

Slipping our backpacks over our shoulders, we stood up.

Silence.

"So… how long's Carlisle staying?"

"I don't know. It's usually a couple of months, but he always changes his mind."

"Oh. I see."

More silence.

"Hey, Bella –"

I looked up, and Edward had taken two steps in my direction. His shoulders, all broad and wide, were looming over me like a wall.

His hand unexpectedly but purposefully brushed against mine, and I averted my gaze so I could calm down and breathe.

"Are you ready to go?" I whispered.

"No, not yet."

He was so close. He was leaning forward, placing his hands high up on my thighs and moving his thumbs in a full circle. My lips parted, and his were now only a breath away.

Was he going to kiss me?

My shoulders slacked, and my backpack slipped off and fell with a thud. Edward got rid of his too.

"What shampoo do you use?" I mumbled incoherently.

He stilled, and his soft laugh tickled my ear before he went straight for my lips.

His mouth brushed over mine briefly – as if it was an accident – but then he bit down, trapping my bottom lip in his teeth, and pulled. My hands impulsively went up to his face.

He tasted like fruit cake.

He kept leaning forward, so I bent away on the waist to accommodate him. When his finger hooked into my belt loop and pulled my hips closer to his, I let out a silent yelp and mumbled out his name, but it was all dreamy and muffled.

As suddenly as he had kissed me, he pulled away.

His eyes were wild. "I think if I just…"

He dove in for the second time, and after a minute of messier kissing, he pulled away again.

I was more breathless than he was. And when I looked at his eyes, he caught mine with his slow smile.

Knock, knock.

We frantically waddled off each other as a middle-aged lady stepped in. "Kids? It's after eight. We gotta close."

"Yes, ma'am," Edward and I answered together, our eyes flitting to each other's before dropping.

The librarian's confused expression transformed into a knowing smile as she quietly slipped back out.

I ignored the hammering of my heart as I retrieved my backpack. I pulled Edward by the cuff of his shirt as we escaped into the darkness outside.

* * *

><p>Edward looked straight at me, unabashed, before connecting a finger to my cheek. "That was an interesting shade of red."<p>

I couldn't respond – let alone react – to what he was saying.

But I did manage to brush off his touch, probably rudely.

I didn't know what I felt. A lot conflicted, yes. Maybe even confused. No, definitely confused.

I was stepping around him when his hand slipped around my wrist and jerked me close – nearly nose to nose again. As suddenly as he had taken a hold of me, he let go and shot me a grin. Then it was he who was starting toward his car, and this time, I stopped him.

"What was that?" I asked him softly. "I mean, of course, I know what that was. But why?"

"'Cause I wanted to."

My hand on his arm tightened. I ignored how he dragged it down his elbow and folded it into his, squeezing it.

"But that's not an excuse anymore. You can't just do that to me whenever you want. I don't want you to ignore me all over again." I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. "You're insane, you know that?"

He slowly bent forward, eyes leveling with mine and lips just a few inches away. "And you're insane for kissing me back."

"You're an idiot."

"I'd take you more seriously if you weren't smiling when you said that."

I somehow managed to giggle and cringe at the same time.

"See?" He snickered. "Insane."

I nudged his toe with mine. "Even if I am, you… _you_ drive me insane."

"In a bad way or a good way?"

"Both."

He tickled me from behind and gave me his golden smile when I shrieked.

As Edward drove me home, I tried to think.

After several honest attempts at cataloguing my flurry of thoughts, I calmly realized: this guy had ignited a fire in me, and I was far, far gone.

For the brief second he casually kissed the side of my face as I stepped out of his car, his gaze warmed. As he drove off from my driveway, he raised a hand through his window in goodbye.

For the brief second I watched his car disappear down the corner, I couldn't help wondering if I had also ignited a fire in him – and if he was as far gone as I was.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>I feel unsure about this chapter, so if you also detected something (difference in tone compared to other chapters, OOCness, etc.), let me know; I'll fix it! _**And please review!**_ I'm still tripping over the positive response I got on last update! Tell me about Carlisle! Edward! Bella! Anything! What do you want to see happen at Homecoming? See you again – soon, hopefully!

Sarah


	13. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

* * *

><p>"That's it?"<p>

"What do you have against my sandwich?"

"I wouldn't call it that." Edward raised both eyebrows. "It's just bread. And some lettuce."

"And tomatoes and –" I sighed, suddenly sheepish. "I didn't have time to grocery shop yesterday." I wiggled my can of Coke in front of him. "But then I have this."

"No wonder you're so tiny."

"Don't lie; you're just disappointed that I don't have chips for you to steal." I yawned and flipped open my phone, checking the time and noting that lunch was almost over. I briefly wondered what his later plans for me were, and smiled just a bit.

"So."

I lowered the drink from my lips and cocked an eyebrow. "So what?"

"So how tough is Chief Swan?"

An involuntary laugh slipped out of me. "Excuse me?"

"How tough is your dad?"

"Well, he's a cop." I finished the rest of my drink, all the while watching him. "He carries around a gun."

"Nice." He grinned widely. "Are you saying that I stand no chance against him?"

"Unless you're bulletproof," I teased.

"Makes me wonder…" He scared the hell out of me when he suddenly rose to his feet. "Give me your backpack."

"Okay…" I trailed off as I protectively brought it close to my chest. "_Why_?"

Despite my protests, he easily towed it from my fingers and out of my reach. "Follow me."

He completely disregarded the shocked look on my face, simply giving me a fleeting smile and motioning me onward, as he skipped down the bleachers. Staring after him and realizing that he really was abandoning me, I got rid of my lunch and hurriedly followed through the gym doors and the main building.

"Where are you going?" I asked breathlessly.

"_We _are going on a field trip."

I was gaping at him when my Calculus teacher walked by and said hello; I returned it awkwardly.

I waited until the teacher was out of hearing distance. "I _don't_ think that's a…" _very good idea._

"It's going to be fun." His smile was full of mischief. "I promise."

With a smile like that, I couldn't exactly refuse. "But I'm not really the one to skip classes, you know? And I thought the 'date' was after school. Not _during _–"

"If you were anyone else, I'd kiss you to shut you up."

I blinked up at him as a strange feeling spread over me. I recovered quickly. "Hey, if this was my school in Arizona and if I were living with Renee, I wouldn't be so opposed to skipping, but we're in Forks. And I live with Charlie, the Chief of Police in this town. He's not going to –"

With a sideward glance, he stuck the back of his hand on my mouth and drowned out my next words. "Stop rambling."

I flushed, feeling his knuckles on my lips. "Okay," I mumbled stupidly.

"'Okay,' you'll stop rambling, or 'okay,' you're coming?"

"Both." With a sigh, I matched his grin with mine and hooked my arm around his. "Sounds like a plan, I guess."

Edward's grin widened as he led me through the rest of the corridors.

* * *

><p>"Are you going to trust me or not?"<p>

"I don't think this is a matter of trust."

"No, but it all comes down to whether you trust me or not."

"I don't trust you, then."

"Oh, yeah?" he said, his amused eyes humoring me.

I sighed. "But, Edward, just think about it. The woods? In the middle of nowhere? To go on a hike? Are we even in Forks anymore? We've been driving for more than thirty minutes."

"No, we're not in Forks," he admitted. He parked the car, unlocked the door, and got out, and then resorting to making me a sweet, sweet promise that he was going even if I chose not to. "Now hop off."

I grumbled as I reluctantly did so. "Are we having a romantic picnic in a meadow or something?"

"Right on with the meadow, but the picnic? Nope, not even close." He began to head off without me, hands in his pockets and a lazy grin in place. "My plans for you are far from romantic."

* * *

><p>The hike wasn't as bad as I'd imagined.<p>

And it was absolutely worth it when I stepped into a clearing – a beautiful, perfectly circular meadow.

Dazed, I tightly grabbed onto Edward's arm and shook my head. "You were serious."

"I'm always serious." He grinned and gently pushed me forward. When we were in the exact middle of the circle, where an incredibly huge tree stood, he fell onto his back and closed his eyes, arms and legs spread out. "Cool, huh?"

Giddy, I followed his example, lying right next to him. When I peeked over at him with one eye, I caught him doing the same thing at me. Shy, I wiggled back up to a sitting position.

He caught me by surprise when he reached out to the top of my head; he softly combed my hair backward and then forward to my right shoulder. A smile on his face, he twirled a strand and let go.

A light breeze carried a stray piece of my hair, tickling my forehead, and I involuntarily winked. This time, he brushed the tip of his finger against the eyelashes of my closed eye.

I exhaled slowly. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Just touch me like that."

"You don't like it?"

"That's not what I meant." My eyebrows scrunched up. "You just touch me in the most unexpected ways so naturally."

Also sitting up, he inhaled deeply before blowing out. "Did you know I wanted to be a pianist before I went to high school?"

"That spontaneity too." I narrowed my eyes. "Who are you, Edward Cullen?"

He looked down and silently scooted away from me. "What do you want from me, Bella Swan?"

"No." I crawled over to him and closed the distance that had formed between us. "What do _you _want from _me_?"

He traced a deliberate circle on the dirt before finally looking at me, eyes all deadly and pale. On my fours, I was just becoming conscious of the fact that our faces were just inches apart, and he seemed to as well; he stilled, eyes flitting to my mouth, before angling his face to his right as if to measure something – oh, the distance between our lips.

Before his smashed into mine, he whispered one word: "Everything."

* * *

><p>"What did you mean when you said Rosalie cheated on you?"<p>

Although I was nervous about asking him this, I couldn't _not _ask.

After all, for the past few hours, he had been asking me about the almost forgotten pieces of my own past – my childhood pet, my mom, my life in Arizona, my aspirations both past and present. It was my turn now.

"Nothing," he answered casually. "She just did."

I nodded slowly. "And?"

He shrugged and stared deeply out into the forest.

No, not again. I hated it when he did that.

But one thing for sure, it was becoming obvious that I wasn't prying into the almost-forgottn pieces of his past; I was prying into pieces that were still undoubtedly well-remembered.

"I loved her," he said cryptically, and there was polite finality to his tone.

Regardless, I waited for more, but he didn't give me more.

I rolled over to my stomach on the grass and folded my arms below me. "You want everything from me, but you're going to give me nothing?"

"Because it _is_ nothing."

"No, not 'nothing.' Maybe something little now, even though I'd disagree with that too. It's the little things that matter, anyway."

"'It's the little things that matter.'"

He said the words over and over again, and they soon diminished into a murmur by the third time.

"What if I wanted everything from you too?" I said softly.

He gave me no answer.

He simply lay down next to me, covering one eye with the heel of his palm. His other eye was gazing straight at the sky, focused, unblinking.

It was late afternoon already, and the setting sun was breaking through the trees. Now his body was tilting away from me, both of his eyes closing and gone, and I felt oddly lonely.

I scrambled up to a sit. "You don't play fair, do you? You contradict yourself. What's the point of…" – I shut my eyes close – "… whatever this is if you're going to keep fighting me? If you're trying to have everything under just your control when I have the right to hold my own too?"

As I said the words, my stomach stirred. The words were the honest ones but also the truthful ones.

_Is he worth the trouble?_

Crestfallen, I crawled my way toward the tree trunk and wanly rested myself against it. "I don't know what you want me to do, Edward. I'm really trying to understand –"

"But you can't and you never will."

I was staggered. "What?"

"I don't want you to understand, and you don't have to. Why do you even bother, Bella?" Edward looked calm but frightening. "I'd do anything to be you – did you know that? See, all you have to worry about are stupid and meaningless things like grades and SATs and grocery shopping –"

"Stupid and meaningless?" I sucked in a breath, hurt at his bitterness. "So that's what you think of me? What if I said that to you about _your_ life?"

"You have no right to say anything about my life."

"And you do?"

"Stop it already. Stop acting as if you actually give a crap."

"I'm not acting! I do give a –"

"Just don't."

"What? When will you ever –"

Edward's lips unexpectedly molded into mine.

But I managed to push him away. "No, no more of this nonsense! I'm not going to let you treat me this way anymore. I was so stupid –"

He silenced me with another searing kiss, one hand pulling me closer by the chin and the other flat over the tree bark.

I tried to get him off me, but each push grew weaker and weaker as each kiss grew stronger and stronger.

"Just let me, Bella," he whispered against my mouth.

I couldn't help it.

He slowly got on his knees, and my arms locked around his neck as I then let him like he asked – let his fingers trace the side of my jaw – let his thumbs draw circles on my shoulders when he reached there. He nudged open my legs with his and nestled his body between them. I tilted my face backward, my back no longer touching the tree, as he kissed me face-down.

And soon, his shallow breaths turned into heavy pants. His hands began to fumble around more desperately. And then he was beginning to demand the kisses instead of offering them.

When his hands slipped into the back pockets of my jeans and squeezed my flesh there, I froze.

"Too – fast," I mumbled incoherently, blushing a little. "I'm not – I'm not ready –"

Hands climbed up under my shirt.

I panicked. "Edward?"

Hands reached for the button of my jeans.

"Edward, stop."

Fingers digging in –

"I said stop!"

With a shaky push on his stomach, I finally got him off me.

I lay on the ground, my chest rising and falling harshly, and choked back the alarm as I collected myself and sat up.

"You can't take advantage of me like that! This is… no. This is just wrong," I said breathlessly, as he also got up to a sit. "You can't do that… You _can't._"

"Hey, you don't have to play so hard to get anymore." Edward gave me a genuine clueless smile. "I get it. I want this too."

He tried to put his mouth on me again, but I flinched.

He frowned, and I looked him into his eyes in return. I absolutely hated the lust in them – I absolutely _loathed_ the true confusion in them.

I started to shake my head, each shake turning more and more vigorous.

The day was completely gone now, wiped out by night, and I was glad for that because I felt tears brimming over my eyes, unchecked. I quickly brushed off the wet spot on my face and told him I wanted to go home.

"But I thought you knew," he said, puzzled.

I ignored him and stood up.

He stayed seated, however, eyes intent on me. He began to stumble through words, and I'd never seen him this – truly – lost.

"I thought you – I mean, I know I've always – Bella, isn't this what you wanted?"

I nodded. Not in agreement. Just in response.

Now I knew.

* * *

><p>Beyond the car windows, it was starting to rain a little.<p>

_"Bella, out of all the girls I've met, you are definitely the most respectable."_

The traffic light turned green. But our car stayed idle.

I could hear the cars honking behind us.

_"If you were anyone else, I'd kiss you to shut you up."_

I peered over at Edward, only to see his confused gaze trained of me. "We have to move the car."

He didn't seem to have heard me, though. He was just staring at me. Just staring.

__"Why did I bring you here? Bella?"__

The honks grew louder. "Move the car, Edward."

Our car began to move at yellow light – now red. We left behind the drivers swearing.

I sighed, exhausted and frustrated. "Maybe I should just get home on my own."

"_My plans for you are far from romantic."_

At this point, it was obvious that he liked me too.

_"What do you want from me, Bella Swan?"_

Only, we wanted different things.

_"Everything."_

"Just park over there for a sec." Through the reflection of the window, I saw that he was looking at me again. "Please?"

"I have no problem driving you."

"I have no problem going alone."

He'd never looked so unsure of himself. "You really want to go alone?"

"Yeah."

"Bella… I just –" His fist slammed down on the wheel. "I don't – I – damn it."

He roughly pulled into the closest parking lot.

Quietly, I unbuckled myself.

"Listen," he began, his eyes long gone cold. "Bella. You've always wanted something from me – all the way from the start. I saw it in you from the start too, and I thought I knew what it was. I assumed _that _was what you wanted and I gave it to you. And I could give that to you again – over and over again and willingly – but I don't know if I have anything else to offer."

I swallowed. "Okay."

I was reaching for the door when I heard a crack of thunder outside. Edward tapped a finger on the wheel, now looking as if he couldn't get me out of his car fast enough. Our eyes met for a second as he leaned across me and opened the door for me. He handed over my backpack and waited.

It was his coldness that pushed me out of the car.

"Bye," he said before shutting the door behind me and driving off.

I stared after the silver car until it diminished into a dot.

And once more in the distance, I heard the clap of thunder.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>I hope that by now, everyone understands what this story is about: teenage romance, all of good, bad, brutal, ugly, happy, parasitic, lustful, unhealthy, angsty, and whatever else. Edward here just conceived it all wrong. Despite what some of you might think, he wasn't trying to rape her or anything; he thought he really was giving her what she wanted. I just wanted to clarify that! So – I dare you to guess what's going to happen next :D

Sarah


	14. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN**

* * *

><p>Under the shed, I waited for the bus that would drop me off back in town.<p>

Everything was just terrible.

My soggy socks. My damp hair. The mascara smudged all over my eyes. The cold. The weather. The _lightning._ And my feelings.

I still remembered that day when Edward Cullen managed to charm me with just one smile. In a matter of weeks, he got me interested and made me care. In a matter of months, he became the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing before I went to bed. And I always died a little inside every time I had to wonder and couldn't know.

But that was okay. He just had to come back, and we could apologize to each other. He couldn't have all the dignity to himself and casually walk out – even if I had asked for it.

I didn't remember feeling so much disappointment in my life, not even when my mom chose to live with her boyfriend over me.

And I felt miserable that I was disappointed, because feeling that way was just selfish of me – petty even. I thought I'd already learned this lesson; I thought I'd learned this back in Phoenix when I realized that it was pure ignorance on my part to feel disappointment; I learned that the anger I directed toward my mom was completely uncalled for. I had been ignorant to think that someone else was the cause of the disappointment I felt; I knew that I had no right to blame anyone – at least not because a certain someone didn't fulfill my wishes the way I wanted. The only sure thing I could do was blame myself, the one who expected a little too much.

Here in Forks, I was learning it all over again. I should have known better than to expect a little too much when it came down to Edward Cullen, especially since I knew he was trouble.

But was he worth that trouble? I still couldn't be too sure, but yeah, he probably was.

I just wished he would give me the chance to say that to him.

* * *

><p>I glared at the gray sky, blinking as small raindrops plattered on my face. Legs kicking beneath me, I swayed up and down on the swing. Up and down. Up and down, relentless. Higher and higher. The crisp air felt quite refreshing.<p>

I was keen to get home, but I wasn't too sure if I could make it safely in this kind of weather – especially when I was so terrified of the thunder. The lightning flashes seemed to have stopped, but it was too early to make any assumptions. I certainly hoped they had, though, because otherwise, I was pretty much stuck here in the Forks Elementary School playground.

I was briefly considering walking home when I saw a tall figure heading in my direction.

Tall. Pale. A redhead.

_Edward?_

I panicked.

Damn it. I wasn't ready to face him yet.

But he was already closing the distance; he stopped when he was just a step away from me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked hesitantly. "Why aren't you home?"

"My truck's still at school." I stared at his legs, hard, as if that would turn me invisible. My hands fell from the swing ropes and to my sides, now plucking at the fabric of my jacket. "And I can't drive right now. So."

"Why aren't you in your truck, then?"

"I don't want to."

"I thought you were scared of the lightning."

"I am."

"Well, it's going to rain harder soon. You're going to catch your death in this weather."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. Where's your umbrella?"

"Where's yours?"

"In my car." He gently placed a baseball cap on my head, surprising me. The brim nicely shielded my face from the rain. "Let me drive you."

I stared, confused.

"Please?" he added quietly.

I didn't say anything, waiting, but he said nothing else after that.

I didn't get it.

"Is that…" I trailed off, unsure. "Is that why you're here?"

Something in his eyes came alive. "What, is that not good enough of a reason?"

Then his eyes turned cold again, and I just nodded slowly, his words sinking in just as slowly. "Oh. Okay. I see how this is."

Humiliated and oddly hurt, I felt the strongest urge to hide somewhere. I felt like such a fool.

I ignored him when he poked my foot with his. When he did it again, I pulled my foot away.

"Bella. Are you listening?"

I couldn't look up. "What do you want me to say?"

"Oh, so we can't even talk now?" The swing came to a perfect still when his hands gripped the ropes steady. He nudged my legs open and came in between them so he could level his face to mine; he kept trying to make me look. "Hey, don't do that. If you're angry with me, then get angry with me."

He tipped my face up against my will, and at last, I was met with Edward Cullen's blank expression.

"Get angry for what?" I said softly, my eyes searching his face. "I mean, do you know what I was thinking before you came here? I was thinking that you're worth the trouble you seem to be. And that I want to tell you that and that I'm sorry. And I was here, trying to build up my courage to apologize to you."

For a while, it was as though the two of us were engaged in a staring – no, glaring – contest.

"But you?" I tried to go on, but I was having trouble controlling my emotions. "But you, Edward?"

His poker face was unsettling, and I was slowly losing my composure.

"Wow." I blinked slowly, dazed. "But you're really not sorry, are you?"

I was losing this battle. I knew that, but I really lost when tears started to blur my vision.

"Can't you just say one little sorry to me?" I said, both angry and sad. "Say you're sorry. For disrespecting me. For taking advantage of me. And for treating me like –"

I stopped. He should know.

I wiped away a stray tear and quickly put my head down to cover my eyes.

"Darn it," I whispered, lowering the cap brim in embarrassment.

And he didn't say anything for a very long time and – "God, I'm such a fucking asshole."

I stared hard at my lap. I never blinked once, but tears kept falling on my thighs.

"Ah, shit, please don't cry." He hovered awkwardly for a moment before tentatively brushing away a tear with his thumb. "I'm not really good with crying girls."

A crazy laugh managed to slip out of me. "But I thought you were good with girls."

"Clearly not, since I haven't got a clue how to be good with you." He sighed tiredly. "Hey, come here for a sec."

I shook my head no, so he came to me instead and brought me into his arms.

It was awkward, with our height difference and the way I was sitting and he standing, but his body was warm and big and completely and tightly wrapped around mine – it was comforting.

"I _am _sorry," he said at last, digging his nose into my temple. "For being a guy."

"I just –" A tear slipped out again. In an attempt to hide, I buried my face into his shoulder. "I just don't want to be boring or easy to you."

"Easy, maybe." He ignored my grimace, and grinned. "But boring? Never."

I sniffled and cracked a weak smile. "I'm sorry too… for being a girl."

We looked over at each other, our eyes connecting at last. I laughed quietly to myself, and he caught on. The look he gave me was warmer than it was before. Much, much warmer.

* * *

><p>"Why are you staring at me like that?"<p>

Edward grinned. "Like what?"

"Like that."

"Maybe I like the way it looks on you."

"What?" My eyebrows furrowed together. "The baseball cap?"

He simply ground his palm onto my head, and unable to resist, I took the hat off to get a look at it. I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "If it isn't one of the Varsity Volleyball team's famous goods."

"This one's just for the team, though. Very exclusive stuff."

"So what, are you going to let me have it?" His eyes turned vacant, and I doubled over with a small laugh. "I'm just kidding."

"Wait, no." He crouched on his knees. "Why not?"

"I was just kidding."

"No, seriously. Take it."

"This has your initials. Your jersey number. And you're the Captain. _The _Captain Edward Cullen. MVP of the Region." I curiously studied his face, the strange reddish brown hair, and his pale neck that was revealed several inches above his collar. "All the girls in our school would kill to have this."

"Except one, right?"

I smiled. "Except one."

I was struggling inside, wondering. I never seemed to be able to settle my mind around him; Edward Cullen was messing with my head.

"Okay, fine." I shrugged a little. "But no complaining when I put it up for the school auction next week."

"How about you wear it to my last game of the season? Also next week."

"What, like your very own cheerleader?" I scoffed. "No thank you."

And then his finger started to draw something on my knee, and I couldn't think anymore.

Soft determination solidified in his eyes. I didn't know what it was about until his lips brushed against mine in a small kiss. In a moment of alarm, I smacked his head.

He cursed. "What was that for?"

"What were you doing?"

He frowned. "Trying to kiss you?"

I looked at him in disbelief. "You truly surpass all my expectations."

He watched me, annoyed – frustrated, even – and he remained silent for a long time.

"Honestly," he finally continued, "do I look like a capable boyfriend to you?"

"What?"

But he just stood there before me with a slight scowl and serious eyes.

I really took him in, then – not just the color of his hair, the shape of his eyes, or the type of clothes he was wearing but also everything else that I knew about him so far. All his scars and flaws.

I wanted to breathe in his tenderness and romance and everything he could and could not offer. But if he was offering something and was more than willing to give it, I would take it happily.

I left the question unanswered and simply held out a hand for him to grasp. With several steps forward, he did.

"How about you take me to your house for a bit?" I whispered up to him.

"Yeah?" He squeezed my hand. "You want to?"

"Mhm, is that okay? I think I should clean myself up a little before I really go home; Charlie's going to flip if he sees me like this."

"All wet and dirty, you mean?" Laughing at my blushing, dumbfounded face, he lightly knocked a finger on the cap brim. "It really does look better on you. Keep it. Wear it to my game."

"Okay."

"Don't put it up for auction, though."

I smiled a little. "I won't."

And he smiled back.

It was as if the rift between us was never there. I just hoped that he and I would last.

* * *

><p>Edward tossed me his leather jacket before starting the engine and turning the heat on high.<p>

He put away the baseball cap in my backpack for me as I brought his jacket up to my chin and tucked my freezing toes under my folded legs. Through the windshield, I could see the wind carrying the leaves and the rain; it was now much harsher than just the regular Forks drizzle.

"Do you think it's okay to drive?" I asked, concerned.

"The rain's not too bad now. But school's probably going to get canceled tomorrow if this gets worse."

An unanticipted clap of thunder caused me to jump.

"Jesus." Breathing hard, I clutched onto my startled heart. "I thought the lightning stopped."

"Here."

A set of earphones landed on my lap.

I barely registered what was happening as he plugged them in my ears and turned on his iPod. Immediately, the disconcerting melody of hard metal rock overwhelmed me.

Another lightning flashed in front of us, but I couldn't hear it anymore. In fact, all I could hear was the music.

Edward raised an eyebrow, smirking, and mouthed, "Good?"

I nodded dumbly and watched with bated breath as he leaned across me and buckled me up.

I tugged one ear bud out. "Hey, Edward?"

"You can change the music. I just thought the louder the better."

"No, that's not it."

Without thinking, I pushed his wet hair off his forehead. His hands stilled as a sly grin formed on his mouth, and his eyes on me were so green; I'd never seen prettier eyes.

I laughed, a little woodenly. "Darn it, I really must be insane."

"I could have told you that."

I shook my head, staring deeply into his eyes. "I must have really liked you before to still like you now." I felt brave, so I touched his hand. "What do you think about that?"

"This doesn't feel like the first time."

"It's not."

"Does this mean I can kiss you now?"

I nodded yes.

"You aren't going to slap me again, right?"

I didn't get a chance to reply; his talking lips were already brushing against me with the slightest touch.

I simply trailed a hand down the side of his jaw and pulled his lips closer to mine.

He sort of laughed. "Thank God."

And he was all over me.

The way he kissed took my breath away. I grabbed onto his shoulders, because all I knew was that I wanted him closer, and the other ear bud also fell out of my ear. As the music left me completely, it was quickly replaced by his ragged breaths that made my heart race. He latched his hands on the window behind me and propelled onward, just going, going, going at it –

Another lightning stroke, and I went rigid.

Edward let out a low curse. He broke away and let his forehead fall on my collarbone.

"This is just lovely," he said, breathing hard. "Even the weather's against me."

I counted to ten before bravely pulling him back into a kiss, catching him off guard.

What was this? This feeling like I was falling, and at the same time, flying?

"You're so cold," he mumbled into my mouth as he eased me into his arms. "We gotta start driving, or you're going to freeze to death."

"Doesn't matter." I kissed him deeply. Would I ever get enough of him? "You're more important."

He stayed frozen for a second before smiling against my lips. My lips curved up also, and our teeth clacked together.

He began to laugh, while still kissing, and whispered, "You seriously have to sort out your priorities, Bella Swan."

* * *

><p>"You look like a vampire."<p>

I snorted. "Oh, thanks, because that's what every girl wants to hear."

I was trying to wipe off the mascara smudge under my eyes when Edward brought the towel around his neck and rubbed it in my hair.

"Stop!" I said, laughing hysterically. "I'm ticklish!"

He beamed, all mischievous. "Just trying to get you dry."

I tried to look reluctant. And I hoped he didn't notice the way I pressed my back into his front.

"There, now you look like your normal pretty self again," he finally said, placing his hands on my shoulders from behind me. Through the bathroom mirror in front of us, I could see his face. "Eh, maybe your lips are still kind of too blue, but that's okay."

I rolled my eyes and flipped down the toilet lid to sit on it. As he toweled his own hair, I opened my phone to check the time and was relieved that I still had a few hours till my curfew.

"It's only eight," he said, as if he knew what I was thinking. "You sure you don't want to have a quick shower?"

"Mhm," I said distractedly as I replied to the five worried text messages Charlie had sent.

"Okay. Well, you might want to step out for a bit."

I shut my phone and looked up to see a shirtless boy unbuttoning his pants.

My eyes went wide.

"I think I'm going to have one," he explained, now jumping up and down to slip out of his wet jeans that were clinging to his legs.

I quickly ducked my head. "Why are you harrassing me?"

"Oi, sorry. Just wanted to see some color return to your cheeks."

He definitely completed that task successfully. "You're not naked, are you?"

"Guess."

"Fantastic," I mumbled, still looking discreetly at the floor tiles. "Where's the door again?"

"Over there."

I refused to look up. "Where?"

"There."

"_Where_?"

Edward snickered and pushed me gently toward the general direction. "Walk straight."

When I closed the door behind me, I slid down against it. It was only when Carlisle found me and said hi that I was able to stand back up.

* * *

><p>Carlisle led me into the kitchen.<p>

"I made some hot chocolate," he told me as he gestured for me to sit on one of the stools. "You know, just in case someone came over."

I sat down, vigilant. Something about his smirking eyes told me that he had been expecting me, specifically.

I'd finished about a third of the drink when he spoke again.

"So tell me, Bella." His eyes were now firmly planted on the standing figure beside me – his son – who had just entered the room and joined us. "My son leaves for school with a giant smile, comes home with a confused frown, and rushes back out in the rain only to bring a soaking wet you home with him… What transpired?"

Before I could even open my mouth, Edward shut me up by shoving my face into his bare stomach.

"Ignore Carlisle." He wrapped a hand around my neck and patted my cheek that wasn't touching his navel. He looked extremely uneasy. "I do."

Carlisle rose from the counter he was leaning against and shot one meaningful look at his son.

"It's the little things that matter, Ed," he said. "Pay attention to the details, and you won't be sorry again."

He lightly punched his son on the arm before leaving the room.

Carlisle's words bothered me as much as they seemed to bother Edward. I awkwardly shifted my weight on the seat, stealing glances at the boy next to me.

"We should get moving," he said suddenly, already out of sight and in the hallway.

By the time I reached him at the front door, he had pulled on a shirt and a coat. His back was to me as he tied his shoelaces.

"Ask."

I startled. "What?"

He glimpsed at me from over his shoulder. "You seem like you want to know why I went to find you today. So ask."

I paused, unsure. "So why did you?"

He stood up then, facing me, and just barely smiled. "I remembered your fruit cake."

"My… what? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Many things." He opened the door for me as I clumsily stuffed my feet into my own shoes. "Making fruit cake instead of carrot cake. Making sure you get home safely in the weather you hate." He looked to his feet. "That kind of stuff."

Hands in his coat pockets, he now waited for me from below the porch steps.

And I had no idea what to say, but I settled with: "Has anyone told you that you're really weird?"

He snickered and glimpsed blatantly at me. "I was repeatedly told by a Bella Swan, so yes."

I leaned against the doorway, slightly chagrinned. "You could be so close, but when I _really_ reach out for you, I realize that you're actually so far away that I'd probably never be able to reach you. Never."

"Maybe." He shrugged. "But no one's reached out as far as you have."

* * *

><p>As Edward had guessed, school got canceled the day after due to a thunderstorm that worsened through the rest of the night and well into morning. It was afternoon now but still pouring outside.<p>

I had just woken up from a nap on the couch to the rattling sound of my living room window.

Listening to the raindrops ricocheting off the rooftops, I restlessly rolled over again and again and shoved my face into the cushions. For a long while, I kept my eyes closed; all I could see and think about was _him. _I wanted to see him. Talk to him.

I finally got up and repositioned myself in the seat by the window, absently watching the swirling leaves and the gray water sliding down the cement.

Damn it. Why did school have to get canceled?

I was dialing his number when my phone buzzed.

_Caller ID: Edward Cullen_

I picked up, breathless. "Hello?"

"Hey, someone's happy to hear from me," he sniggered amusedly. "You okay there? No lightning, right?"

"Yep, I'm good." He had no idea how much he'd just brightened up my day. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course. I didn't get much sleep, though."

"Same. I just took a nap." Smiling, I distractedly began to trace a circle on the fogged-up window with a finger. "So what's up?"

"I just wanted to say something," he said, sounding oddly and unfamiliarly vulnerable. "But now I called, I don't really know how to put this."

"Sounds serious," I teased.

"I _am_ serious."

"Oh." My finger stopped. "What is it?"

He hesitated. "Bella, all of this looks really great and even perfect right now, but in time, it's not going to be."

My eyes furrowed. "Huh?"

"And I just do what feels right for me, and you're probably never going to truly have me. Is that okay? Would you still want me even if what I just said is true?"

I blinked. "Edward…"

"Yes or no?"

"You already know the answer." My face turned pink, and even though he couldn't see me, I ducked my head as I nervously moved the phone to my other ear. "Seriously, is everything all right? This is really –" I snorted. "It's like you're asking me to be your girlfriend or something ridiculous –"

"I think that's what I'm doing. You tell me."

My heart rate spiked, and I couldn't think of anything to say except his name.

"Bella," he echoed.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Then tell me what you're thinking."

"I – what I'm _thinking_? I don't _know_ what I'm thinking. But what I do know is that – that I know that I like you more than you could ever like me and –" Oh, no, I was saying much more than I should. "God, I just wish I could know what _you're_ thinking, Edward. Please tell me what you're thinking."

"Me? I'm thinking that I'm done waiting." He paused. "Are you?"

He really was serious.

I squeezed my eyes close. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"We'll see."

"So what if I say yes?" I brought the phone closer to my ear with both hands, desperate. "What if… what is this, then?"

"This… is going forward."

Silence.

"Then I want to go forward."

"With me."

"With you," I echoed. "But no more holding back, okay?"

"I won't hold back."

"And please don't hurt me," I whispered.

"I only want to be good to you."

The sound of rain seemed to fade away, and all was quiet after that.

There were more romantic things he could have said, but I couldn't think of anything.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Please help me pimp out this story! Oh - and yes, B and E are finally together! But more drama to come ;) Please leave me a review!


	15. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN**

* * *

><p>Our eyes met before flickering away.<p>

"So you'll be gone for English?" I asked softly.

"Yep." Edward sighed, tired. "We're doing last-minute pregame prepping."

"Am I supposed to tell you to have fun?"

"Eh, I guess that works."

We walked beside one another, a little distance between us, stealing glances and catching smiles.

I tried to hide them – at least keep them subtle. But Edward was bold, and he suddenly reached out for my hand that was dangling by my side; he pocketed it in his leather jacket with his.

"You look cold," he explained, lips lifting up, as he then cusped my chilled, reddened ear with his other hand.

"This is nice." I stared curiously at his pocket, imagining how our fingers looked wrapped around in there. "And new."

He raised our joined hands in front of us. "This seems to be the normal first step."

"You were never normal, though."

"And you were never this shy around me." He cocked his head to the side. "I wonder why."

"Uh, bell's going to ring soon. I better go." Bashful, I averted my gaze and tried to break away from his grasp; he wouldn't let me. "What?"

He gave me an expectant look.

"What?" I repeated.

He sighed and stuck out his right cheek, patting it.

"You're so silly." I smiled, regardless, and hopped up to kiss the side of his face. "There. See you at the game tonight, okay?"

But he held me tight so I couldn't walk away and pulled me into a kiss on the mouth.

* * *

><p>"You're dating Edward?"<p>

I immediately felt defensive as I spun toward the source of the voice.

It was Emmett.

"Who told you that?" I asked nervously.

"Oh, damn." He looked quite lightheaded. "It was true."

I tried to ignore his imploring stare as I slammed my locker shut and clumsily fumbled with the lock.

"Did you leave with him? During the dance?"

I froze. Then with a sigh, I closed my eyes and cursed inside. Stupid, stupid me. "Emmett, I'm really sorry about that. I should have told you before I left."

"Nah, it's all good." He awkwardly rubbed a hand on the nape of his neck. "You two look great together."

All I could do was nod, and I leaned against the lockers; he followed suit.

"Just be careful," he warned, although inattentively as he talked to the ground. "Edward and I've been best buds since freshman year, and I don't want to see you risk anything for a guy who might not want the same things."

I nodded again, but this time reluctantly. "It _is _Edward Cullen, after all."

"Well, just so you know, there will also always be an Emmett McCarty who you can come running to anytime. He got your back." His serious stare contradicted his dimpled grin. "Bella, I'm just living up to what I owe you for forcing you to go to Homecoming with me. Next time, I don't think I'd be able to give you up so easily." He patted me on the shoulder. "See you at the game."

With that, Emmett put up a hand in plain goodbye and disappeared down the hallway.

* * *

><p>It was all over the school by the end of the day.<p>

Apparently, Jessica Stanley saw Edward kissing me behind the school gym during lunch.

My senses prickled as I stepped into the stadium two hours before the game; I had the strange feeling that the place suddenly got quiet because of me – even though it was mostly empty anyway, save for the team and a few fan girls.

I whirled around just in time to see a group of sophomore girls duck their heads and quicken their steps.

I turned the other way to catch a pair of girls in my grade whisper, studying me before glancing the other way.

"Bella?" Mike Newton, in his uniform, skidded to a stop next to me. He seemed confused. "What are you doing here?"

I smirked. "Oh?"

"Hey, don't be offended; we both know you're not usually here at this time of the day." He took me in from head to toe, and a bright grin lit up his face. "Ah, of course. Here to see your sweetheart?"

"I'm here to see the team." I cleared my throat. "And Emmett. And you."

"Right. You're dating Captain."

I groaned.

"What, am I wrong?"

"That depends on what you're thinking, because no, he wasn't sucking my face off in the auditorium. No, we didn't roll around half-naked in the backseats of his car. No, we did not feel each other up in the science building." I glared at the banners, bright in our school colors, that were hanging from the high ceiling. "I hate small towns."

"I didn't hear any of that, actually." He looked me up and down again, both coyly and weirdly. "Just that he was holding your hand."

"That –" I cringed. "– may be… right, but –"

He was obviously having tough time controlling his laughter. "But what?"

I felt a smile tugging at my lips; his laugh was contagious. "You're teasing me!"

"Hey, I'm just a curious bystander! Everyone knows that Edward's not the kind of guy who would hold hands with a girl."

I shyly smiled at my feet before bumping my knee on his. "Well, enough of that now. Change of subject, please."

"Hmm."

"Well, someone looks different today."

"What? Oh. This?" With the smallest arch of the eyebrow, Mike grappled a handful of his hair. His usual shaggy hairstyle was replaced by a shorter one. "Now check this out."

He turned his head to the side, and sure enough, the real surprise was the profile. The hair in the area above his right ear was trimmed shorter than the rest; some parts there were intentionally shaved off – scratch marks.

"Wow, that looks awesome," I said, amazed.

"It's traditional that the team does this during the last ten days of the season." He smirked and crossed his arms. "Apparently the girls dig it."

I rolled my eyes.

"Newton!"

Mike and I jumped simultaneously and saw Forks High's angry, mottled volleyball coach glowering at us.

"Where the hell's your Captain?" Coach's voice was so loud that it bounced off the walls and turned all heads in the near vicinity. "He was supposed to be here an hour ago!"

"You know him, Coach. Why do you bother?"

"Call him _right_ now!"

Mike, annoyed, trudged to the nearby bleachers and fished out his cell phone from his duffel bag.

"He's not here yet?" I asked as I followed him closely.

"_Never_ here. It's nothing new," he whispered, sighing and dialing his phone. He turned it off, though, as his eyes zeroed on something behind me. "There he is."

I felt Edward before I saw him.

"Hi," I said mutedly as his lips left a small peck of a kiss on my face.

"Hi you," he murmured back, lips lingering, and he playfully tugged on my scarf. He also tugged on my hair. "You curled it."

And then he strolled by all so casually that I wasn't sure if I clearly heard what he said.

I stared after him like an idiot, in awe with _his_ new hair. He looked really good. And with the way he was shooting glances my way, he thought the same way about me.

"Sorry, everyone." Edward rubbed one eye with a finger, seemingly exhausted. "Traffic."

"Yeah, as usual – how much damn traffic can there be in this stinking little town?" Coach growled. "We can't play without you, Edward. You _know_ that."

"Come on, Coach, it's almost the end of season!" Edward yelled back as he ran toward the locker rooms.

"Yeah, whatever. You owe me twenty stadiums tomorrow morning if we lose tonight!" Coach let out an vexed sigh. "Now, Newton, you better get moving too. Leave the girl alone and start warming up, or I might just make you accompany him."

"Yes, sir."

I punched Mike on the shoulder. "Good luck."

"Thanks." But he seemed to want to say something else too; I noticed that with the way his mouth was twisting up and down. It took him a while to spit the words out. "Hey, about Edward."

"Oh, no, not you too."

"No, just hear me out." He took one tentative step in my direction. "I gotta warn you. Before it gets too deep, you need to ask yourself if he's worth taking a chance because he…" He let out a whoosh of air and shook his head as if to clear it. "I know him, Bella, and he's quick to quit as he's quick to start."

"But he promised me." I was surprised that the response left me so automatically; Mike seemed to be too. "He's been more than who I thought he was for the past two months, and he… he promised, Mike."

There was no way he knew what the promise was, but he nodded. "It's your judgment, after all."

"But thanks anyway."

He nodded again, just once, but he was smiling this time.

* * *

><p>"You better start warming up, or I'm going to be up on your Coach's hit list." I cautiously snuck a peek over Edward's shoulder, and sure enough, the man did not look happy. "He's going to think I'm distracting you."<p>

"You are."

I kicked him gently on the shin. "Why were you late? Be honest."

He dodged my question, though. "Coach was bound to be pissed anyway."

I stared him down, but eventually acquiesced with a sigh. "Okay, why?"

"'Cause my GPA's exactly borderline now." He looked down to the floor. "I might have to sit out for the last game."

"Then study," I said simply, this time nudging him on the foot.

"I want to get good grades, but I don't want to study. You know what I mean?"

"Everyone's like that."

"You're not." He paused. "Well, even if you are, you're smart."

"Not really, but thanks."

He stared me deep in the eyes, to which I stared back in mild suspicion. Licking his bottom lip, he then spied Coach, who was now throwing balls into the air. The athletes, in a single file, slapped them over the net.

"Perfect," Edward whispered before snatching my wrist into his. He drew it to his lower back and sent me stumbling to his chest. "Follow me."

I looked up, puzzled. "Follow where?"

"I have a plan."

* * *

><p>I ripped my arm away when we stopped by the doors leading into – "The boys' locker room?"<p>

He just hushed me and dragged me in. I instantly pinched my nose after inhaling the appalling smell of sweat.

I tried to breathe with just my mouth, and sounded nasally saying, "What are we doing in the shower stall?"

"Escaping."

"This is your plan?"

"Yeah." He grinned. "And a pretty good one."

"It's definitely a smelly one."

He hushed me again, and I was just realizing what he was doing.

He started to press my body into the tiled wall with his, very deliberately.

My wide eyes shot up to him.

"What?" He slightly bent forward, and his forehead was almost touching mine. "My girlfriend's here to see my second to the last game in my high school career, and I can't bring her into the shower stall and make out with her?"

I blushed as my eyes flitted to the flimsy shower curtain. "We might get caught."

"So we don't. That's why we're going to do this quietly."

His arms became bars on my either sides, hands connecting to the walls, as he dove forward and down and crashed his lips into mine.

I let out a sigh; he let out a moan. He was so bold and eager, and it felt so good.

But when his tongue pushed its way inside my mouth, I hesitated.

"It is just me, or are we moving a bit too fast?" I gasped quietly in between the attaching and detaching of our mouths, desperately clutching his neck and then chest. "Mm. Edward?"

"Just you," he said, just as breathless, as his hands moved to my waist and fumbled everywhere.

I slacked against him. "Okay."

All I could hear were his ragged breaths, fast and loud against me, and all I could feel were his hot mouth and fluttering hands. Standing in the noiseless room, I realized that we weren't being quiet at all.

He groaned as he nudged my face backward and inhaled the space underneath my chin. "Why do you have to smell so good?"

"Um." My brain wasn't working properly. I just grasped his hips tighter. "I don't know?"

I let out a squeak as he picked me up by the thighs and shoved me into the wall.

We paused.

"Okay, maybe this is a bit fast," he said finally, letting me go.

"Yeah," I breathed out and tried to pat down my crumpled shirt. My knees felt weak. "_Very_, very fast."

He frowned. "Was it really?"

I nervously blew out a gust of air and shifted my eyes downward. I felt strangely dizzy.

"You good?" he laughed.

"Mhm." But I didn't sound that all right. Then something brushed against me, and I blinked up at him. "Did you just kiss me on the forehead?"

"Did I now?" was Edward's answer as he shot me one handsome smile and jogged out.

* * *

><p>Forks High School won the game by a landslide.<p>

Edward didn't let any of us down – the team, the Coach, and the audience – and I was in high spirits, glad that he was playing his best even though his volleyball career in high school was coming to an end.

Throughout the game, though, Coach and his teammates had to smack him on the head a few times since he would scan the crowd whenever he had the chance, looking, looking, looking, and beaming each time he found me.

"Bella!"

Catching my attention in the midst of the bumbling crowd, Edward cupped his mouth and asked me to meet him by his car. I grinned back my silent yes.

* * *

><p>The wait was uncomfortable; the night had turned especially chilly, and snow had begun to fall.<p>

But the weather wasn't the only reason.

Whenever a group of girls headed my way, I would hide my face in my scarf and awkwardly balance on the balls of my feet. They usually stared; some talked; a brave few blatantly called me out on being too ugly for someone like Edward Cullen.

I shivered, stuffing my hands in my coat pockets, and tried to ignore all of it. I was relieved when the tail lights of Edward's car came on from behind me, and waved a little hello when he neared. He left the car lit up and met me halfway.

"How did I do?" he asked, breaking into a cute, boyish grin.

"Superb," I teased. "Definitely how the MVP would play it."

He shrugged and smirked weakly at his shoes. "It's one thing I'm good at."

"Don't forget the piano."

He suddenly extended a forefinger and wiped a snowflake that got caught on my eyelashes before I could.

"Thanks," I whispered.

I loved how he made those small gestures.

"Your cheeks are so pink."

"And you look cold." I stroked his bare arm, and glanced down at his duffel bag hanging by his hip and then at his gym shorts. I involuntarily winked when another snowflake got in my eye and breathed out a laugh. "First snow this time of the year, right?"

"It is," he said before looking up at the sky with wooden eyes.

That moment, the girls that had dinner with us last week walked by and muttered about me. It was low, but both Edward and I heard them.

Feeling awkward, I trained my eyes downward. I was getting walked all over, and my confidence level was going down very quickly.

"Hey," Edward said quietly.

I looked up.

"Don't listen to them."

I tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Am I really that ugly?"

"No."

"But I'm not pretty either."

"You're cute." His serious eyes scrutinized me. "You're something."

"That doesn't help."

"Bella. They're just jealous of you."

"I know that. But –"

He sighed and pulled me close by my lower back. "You're such a girl. You know that?"

"Yeah, I remember you telling me that once."

His eyes flashed, but thankfully not with anger. "C'mere."

And he kissed my snow-covered eyelashes and then my lips. He kissed me like how a boy should kiss a girl, and all my insecurities went away.

When he pulled back, he was laughing a little. "You're blushing so hard."

"I'm not blushing." I clumsily gestured at the red tail lights of his car. "It's those."

"Uh huh."

"I – I'm just cold," I sputtered.

He didn't buy it, but without fanfare, he retrieved his leather jacket from his bag and placed it over my shoulders. My eyes followed his hand as it brushed down the jacket sleeve and finally grasped my wintery hand.

"Your hands are always cold," he pointed out with a frown.

In that moment, I felt warm, and it really wasn't because of the extra layer of jacket on me.

"Your hands are always warm," I pointed back out.

Something had changed, and I wondered what; I was forgetting myself before him. He had an incredibly strong hold on me, and I wasn't sure what I felt about that yet.

"Come with me," Edward said in the spur of the moment, stepping forward abruptly. "Come home with me for a while."

"I wish I could," I answered, sad. "Charlie wants me home early tonight. He's becoming less patient because I'm always late these days."

"Then just for half an hour. I don't care if it's a whole night or just that, I just want to be with you."

How could I say no? "Then I'll meet you there."

He gently plopped his hand on the top of my head for a second. "I'll be right behind you. I just have to talk to Coach first."

With a hand up in goodbye, he locked his car again and ran back into the gym.

Even when he had disappeared, I lingered by his car for a while longer and drew his jacket closer around me. Few minutes later, as I sat in my truck and waited for it to warm, I simply enjoyed the leather that smelled of him.

* * *

><p>"So you two are finally dating."<p>

I halted my steps right before I turned the corner that would lead me to the living room. It was Carlisle's voice.

"This is a good thing, son. A very good thing." There was a happy lilt in his voice. "Now, my advice is –"

"Excuse me?" Edward. Seething. Furious. "_Advice_?"

"Yes, advice. With women. You need all the help you can get."

"No, I don't."

"Trust me. You do."

"No, Carlisle. I do _not _need dating tips from a thirty-something-year-old divorcee who has a son old enough to go to college."

"Ooh, a bit harsh, don't ya think?"

To say I was confounded was an understatement. I'd never heard Edward sound like that. I'd never heard him _talk _like that.

I cleared my throat loudly before popping my head into the room.

The older man saw me first and waved vigorously; Edward glimpsed at me once before glaring at his father and stomping up the stairs.

"That was very rude of him," I said, stunned, to Carlisle.

"Eh, he's said worse." The man slouched on the sofa, groaning as he rolled over to his back and stretched. "It's my fault anyway. It's fun – annoying him."

"He seems more than annoyed, if you ask me."

Carlisle hummed a halfhearted assent. "You be gentle with him, Bella. Even a girl like you needs a clear head trying to keep a guy like him. It's good that he listens to you."

"I – yes, of course."

"But what would I know?" He shot me a knowing look. "I'm just a thirty-something-year-old divorcee who has a son old enough to go to college."

"I'm sure he didn't mean that," I said gently.

"Eh." His eyes turned dreamy and far. "Well, you should head up before Edward accuses me of abduction this time. Just make sure you don't stay _too_ late. No funny business."

I laughed. "Funny that you say that."

"I never thought I'd see the day," he agreed with a smile.

As I knocked on Edward's door two minutes later, I wondered whether being cryptic ran in the genes of the Cullen family.

* * *

><p>Hand outstretched toward the ceiling, Edward squinted at the light that filtered through the spaces between his fingers. "I don't want to sit out."<p>

I had to smile at his honesty. "You won't."

I jostled up to a sit from my lying position and began to rake through the curls of my hair.

"I mean, I'm pretty sure Coach will try to pull some strings…"

He didn't go on, voice fading, and his eyes were suddenly intent on me.

I clamped down my hair tie with my lips and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah? What?"

He didn't seem to have heard me, though. He simply propped up his upper body with his elbow, staring straight at me the entire time. I wondered what was so fascinating.

I hardly managed to suppress a laugh as I tilted back and shook my hair down. "What, first time seeing a girl tie up her hair?"

"No." He collapsed back down with a muted groan and tucked an arm below his head, while I twisted my hair into a disorganized bundle and fixed it. "I've always wondered how girls could do that."

"Yeah?" When I was done, I dropped next to him, my arms splayed out wide. A thought crossed me, and I began to laugh. "Maybe I'll teach you one day."

He smiled and gently brushed some stray hair out of my eyes. "Maybe you'll let me do it for you."

I bit my lip and blinked slowly up at him.

"I'll probably be allowed," he said belatedly, eyes closing.

"That's good," I sighed, mine closing also.

It was quiet for a minute.

"Are you asleep?"

I smiled lazily. "Nope."

"Talk to me."

"You talk. I'll listen."

He took in a breath and released it slowly. "I really like kissing you."

My eyes opened wearily, meeting his.

His sleepy green eyes drifted open too.

And like magnets, we collided into a kiss.

As soon as I let him slide on top of me, he moaned against my mouth. "You kiss so sweet."

My eyes, which had closed a moment ago without my knowledge, reopened.

This guy.

Edward, as a friend, was cold and distant. As a boyfriend, however, it was a whole different story.

He was fierce, enthusiastic, and dynamic whenever we were together as simply boy and girl. Just the thought of being with him in other bolder ways made my insides burst – and also made me blush because I was afraid he'd discover the inappropriate things I was thinking.

But with the way he was looking at me right now, I was sure he often thought about them too. No – he'd already told me he wanted them.

"Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what to make of you." I returned his kiss with two of mine. "And you kiss so…"

He pulled away a tad, smirking. "So what?"

My drunken gaze briefly swept over his face. "So, so good."

He obviously liked my answer because he took my lips again, more roughly, and cupped my cheek. He kept our mouths together as he nudged my head up to capture my lips better, and when things got more heated, I fingered his stomach in return – and lower.

My eyes flashed open as I realized what I was doing, and I pulled away, embarrassed.

But he grasped my wrist, keeping my hand there.

"I don't mind," he said quietly.

I blushed furiously, spotting his intense stare. I tried to put some distance between us, but he didn't let a single inch.

"I –" I swallowed, my eyes darting between the two of his. "I don't know if I can – now, I mean."

And he seemed to get it and let me go.

"Slow?" he whispered instead, watching my reaction.

My gaze flickered to his lips and then to his eyes, and he got his answer. Before I knew what was happening, his hand was gliding up my chin and fusing our connection once more. Soon, his mouth was opening, and his tongue was dragging across mine.

It was too much, with his body on top of me, tongue twirling with mine, and hand roaming my waist. And we were going faster and harder by the minute. Nothing about it was slow.

"This is okay, right?" he asked desperately. "This isn't too fast, right?"

I was so breathless that I couldn't answer.

I barely recognized how intensely and sloppily we were kissing. My faint moans were mere small responses to the things he was doing to me, and in one wild moment, I wondered how far we might just go.

But when he yanked down the neckline of my shirt and started to shower kisses on my shoulders, I had to put a stop.

Breathless, he rolled off me. I saw his chest noticeably pushing the air in and out.

"I wouldn't have stopped," he told me.

"I know."

Both of us blankly stared up at the ceiling. Silence.

"But I wasn't trying to take advantage of you."

"I know that too," I sighed. "But we really should slow down."

"Yeah." A sly grin fell on his mouth. "We _should._"

I broke into a low laugh. "Seriously, though, how did we end up there?"

He seemed to think about it and then frowned.

I cracked up, and it was like he knew why I was laughing, because he grinned himself**.**

* * *

><p>I hugged his giant pillow to my chest and yawned.<p>

"Tired?" he asked.

"Sort of." Little tears sprouted from the corners of my eyes. "I should start heading home or I might just fall asleep here."

He eyed his outstretched arm by his side and patted it. "No one's objecting."

"I couldn't." I nibbled my bottom lip. Oh, what I'd do to fall asleep in his arms and spend the night with him. "It's already nine thirty."

"Who cares about curfew?"

"Stop tempting me."

"Sleeping's nice." His eyes fluttered to a close. "You forget about everything for a little while."

Sighing, I rolled over and touched his shoulder. "Then sleep."

"I can't. You know that."

"Then try," I whispered, brushing his hair out of his face.

He opened one eye and grinned.

I smiled back. "What?"

He moved so his head was on my stomach. "Why do you bring me so much solace?"

"That's nice to know." I ran my fingers down the side of his head and fingered the dents of his scratches. "I like the haircut, by the way."

He smiled sleepily. "That's nice to know."

It was almost ten o'clock when his breathing eventually evened out into a rare night's sleep. I knew I should leave him alone, but instead I let him sleep on my lap until it was almost midnight.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>I'm trying to narrow down my list of colleges I'm going to apply to. I would appreciate it if you'd recommend some good places for me :) Do leave me a review!


	16. Chapter 15

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**

* * *

><p>It was exactly two days before winter break.<p>

"Winter Retreat! Yeah, baby!" Jessica hollered.

I almost slipped on the ice as she roughly wrung her arm around mine and shook me.

"No, no, no, Bella." Hopping on the bus, she took in my bored look with disapproval. "This is, like, THE upperclassmen event of the entire year! Aside from prom, that is."

I shrugged and followed her.

As I took a seat, I caught a glimpse of Edward striding down the bus aisle. He threw an annoyed glance in my direction, as Jessica, unaware, beat him and claimed the seat next to mine.

He patted me gently on the head, and when I turned to look at him, he was sitting down next to Mike near the far back.

Wiggling his cell phone in the air, he silently mouthed, "Text me."

* * *

><p>"You really like him, don't you?"<p>

I glimpsed up only to be confronted by Jessica Stanley's narrowed eyes, and I gingerly hid my phone behind me.

"Well, it would be nice if you'd at least act like you're listening to what I'm saying." She giggled. "Could you stop texting Edward for, like, one minute? Jesus."

I felt strangely defensive. "I wasn't."

"Five bucks saying you are."

Then I had to violently reach out in an attempt to refrain Jessica from getting on her knees and peering over her headrest to take a peek at Edward Cullen himself.

But she managed to slap me off, and both she and I then saw Mike Newton trying to get his friend's attention away from the phone – without avail.

"Ha," Jessica said triumphantly.

My phone buzzed, and before I fully knew what was happening, she stole it from me and opened the message before I could.

Her lips spread into a wide grin as she flashed the screen at me:

_Would love to take a nap, but you make a far better pillow than Newton. Why can't you come over? You can easily sit on my lap. -Edward_

Sure enough, by the time I glanced back again, Mike, resigned, was chatting with someone else, and Edward was staring out the window, eyes drooping and arms crossed.

"Damn," Jessica exclaimed out of the blue. "He's so cute."

It was silent as we repositioned ourselves on the seats.

"So… did ya touch third base yet?"

Appalled, I stared at her. "Did I hear that right?"

She wiggled her eyebrows obnoxiously. "Girl, you know what I'm talking about."

I flushed. "I'm – I'm not talking about this."

"Nuh uh. That's not how this works. Your boyfriend happens to be every girl's dream, and I'm just one of those girls trying to live the dream through you. It's your _job_ to tell us poor souls."

"Edward and I aren't really like that," I explained shyly.

Her smirk said it all. "I don't believe that."

I tried to keep a straight face.

"All right, all right." She still looked unconvinced, though. "But you know what they say. A kiss on the cheek is a guy's joke. One on the lips is his little game. Some heavy petting is simply his expertise. And sex… is his instinct."

My laugh sounded forced and choked up.

"And with someone like Edward C.," she continued regardless, "you're in for real trouble."

"You're delusional." I shook my head. "You're trying too hard to make him out to be something he's not."

Jessica watched me closely. "You know that whenever you're talking about him, you get the biggest smile on your face, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure it's not that obvious."

It was quiet again.

"Are you mad at me, Bella?" she asked cautiously.

"No." I blinked, taken aback. "Why would you think that?"

"I mean, I didn't mean to start the whole gossip on you and Edward…"

"Oh."

"But I swear, I only told Lauren!" she amended quickly. "That and I didn't know you guys were dating secretly."

"We weren't." I shrugged. "And I'm not mad. I was just shocked at how quickly people got the information."

"But I'm not gonna lie." She looked at me weirdly. "If I were dating him, I would have told everyone myself."

My mind became slightly blank for a second. "I think I just wanted to keep it somewhat private."

"And that makes the one of you two. Edward seems to like the attention; you know what I mean?" She clicked her tongue. "No matter what you say, he's still a boy."

My lips went up into a hesitant, puzzled smile.

Her lips in return went up into a Cheshire cat smile, and the knowing look she had made me all the more curious.

"Being cryptic doesn't suit you." Impatient, I shook her a little by the arm. "What is it? Did he say something?" At Jessica's slight nod, I sat up straighter. "What did he say?"

"_Well_…"

"Jess."

"Okay." She took in a big breath and gestured me to come closer as if she was sharing a secret. "I wasn't snooping, I swear. I was running an errand for Coach Harrison and overhead the volleyball team talking."

I swallowed. I suddenly wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it.

"And…" Jessica trailed off with a shrug, the gesture nonchalant but her facial expression not. "He might have said something along the lines of: 'she's made for me.'"

"What? No way." I leaned away, raising an eyebrow. "You're joking."

"And why would I joke about this?"

And suddenly I could so easily able to picture my boyfriend saying the exact thing Jess told me he said, and I somehow just _knew_ the lazy, perfectly confident way he probably said it in.

"So?" Jessica urged excitedly. "What do you think?"

What did I think?

"Well, if anything," I mused, "it sounds exactly like something he'd say."

* * *

><p>The weather was quite bipolar. One moment, it would snow, and the next, it would not.<p>

Not minding the grime, Edward sat on the ground with his back against the red brick wall that made up the housing building.

Snow had just stopped again, and I absentmindedly kicked around the pieces of shattered icicles with my feet.

"Don't you think it's a bit vain of you to say that someone is made just for you?" I asked teasingly.

"Not if it's true."

Edward Cullen. In all seriousness. Not even perturbed.

"Let's be realistic," I said anyway.

"So what? Is it that bad to think that there's that one person in the world just for me?"

He talked in such a fatigued way, but his gaze was focused and strong. And then he gently prodded me so I was sitting next to him.

"Guess not," I mused, feeling warmer with our arms touching. "Oh, and I heard you're playing against us tomorrow."

"Hmm? The baseball game?"

"Yeah."

His scowl was so obvious. "This school likes to force me into doing things I don't want to do."

"Seems to be," I agreed with a little chuckle.

"What I need is a break," he whispered.

Silence.

"Bella," he then began in monotone. "I'm going to sleep now."

I laughed louder this time; I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "Sure. Go for it."

With both eyebrows raised, he daringly hung his arm around my neck and shoved my face into his neck.

He buried his into my neck also. "No, really."

Soon, all was silent except for the girly giggles coming from the second floor of the building.

His body started to slack slightly forward, and I had to support him.

"Earth to Edward?" I mumbled, my voice muffled, as I began to wiggle around a little. "You're not really asleep, right?"

Another moment passed.

"Jesus, Edward." And then I began to struggle against him. "I can't breathe!"

He sighed aloud. "God, I love teasing you."

As I let out an unintentional whimper, he finally let go of his monstrous grip.

"Holy crap." I fell flat on my butt in front of him and grimaced. "I didn't know you were so heavy!"

"Oh, yeah?" he teased, lightly pinching my cheek.

"Hey," I murmured, smiling a little, "if you're really tired, you should go upstairs and take a nap."

"Nah, I'll survive." He situated the top of his head against the wall and gazed at the sky. "Why are they not allowing co-ed rooms again?"

I could see his neck tendons stretched out, and I stared at them in awe. "What do you mean?"

Eyes gently closed, he simply smiled. "Wouldn't you like to know."

He scanned me – incredibly slowly – from head to toe and shot me a quick but indecent wink.

I blushed and, without thinking, hid my face in his neck again, simultaneously giving him a little hug.

"Pervert," I mumbled. "Don't ever tell me what was going through your mind."

"Okay."

"Asshole."

He snorted and relaxed his shoulders, releasing another sigh. I loved how desperately he always wrapped his arms around me, so completely that each of his hands grasped my opposite shoulders.

I inhaled and exhaled, each breath dragged out and big.

"You're not helping, by the way," he said into my ear, snickering.

"Idiot," I mumbled again, embarrassed, and flinched a bit.

I wanted to say so many things all of a sudden, but they were all too straightforward and did not fit the moment. So I didn't say much, as I made a habit of doing around him nowadays, and found satisfaction on watching the way his tousled hair that I liked so much turn golden red in the winter sun.

"Stop blinking," he breathed, his mouth next to my ear. "Your eyelashes tickle."

I hugged him tighter because I never wanted to let him go.

* * *

><p>It was becoming extremely obvious that Lauren Mallory did not like me.<p>

"But why? I've never even talked to her before," I whispered to Jessica.

"Think about it," she whispered back, sneaky eyes spying on the oblivious Lauren just a few feet away. "Two reasons. One, before you moved here, she was the valedictorian of the junior class. Two, you're dating the Homecoming Prince."

"What does the second one have to do with anything?"

"Lauren was the Princess, Bella."

"Oh! I forgot."

"Jessica! Bella! Three more boxes of hot dog buns and we're heading out!" Lauren yelled, and she glared, finally suspicious, when we jumped. "What are you two up to?"

Jessica and I simply gave her an overly broad smile, and when Lauren rolled her eyes and strolled off in the other direction, we this time shared secretive smiles and belatedly hauled the boxes over.

As soon as we – the ones responsible for the catering of the night's barbecue – stepped out the doors of the housing lobby and into the snow, I scrunched up my shoulders and shivered at the cold.

Quickly, I tied up my hair and put on the blue cap that Edward gave me.

"Is that – ooh, where did you get it? The silent auction?" Jessica gushed instantly.

"Oh, this?" I shrugged because I did not want to disclose much information about it. "I got lucky."

She continued to give me a wide-eyed, envious stare as the three of us began to head down to the direction of the main field.

"Darn," she said, sad. "I tried to talk Tyler into giving it up, but you know how the volleyball team is; they're nothing without pride."

"But Rosalie had her own." Lauren cast Jessica a sidelong look. "Edward gave it to her, remember?"

Jessica had a bummed look. "Oh, my God, you're so right! How did I forget that!"

Rosalie. Edward. What?

My stomach plummeted and all I could do was blink very slowly at the two girls in front of me.

The two continued to be completely guileless; they hadn't taken notice of my change in demeanor.

Jessica began to jump up and down, almost squealing. "I totally remember now! Edward literally ran up the bleachers in the middle of a game and put it on her head; I think it's because they got into a huge argument before the game, and I guess he was trying to win her back again? I'm not sure. But seriously, everyone was talking about it the day after –" She stopped short, as her eyes fixated on the side of my head – the sewn letter on the fabric that made up Edward's name.

"Oh," Lauren said quietly, and even she looked bothered about this.

"Did Edward give that to you, by any chance?" Jessica asked tentatively.

I took in a breath and forced out a flippant laugh. "Yep, I blackmailed him into giving it up."

Jessica looked sorry, and her lips just parted in an awkward smile. Her eyes were shifty.

She and Lauren resumed talking, only now the conversation had clumsily turned to the topic of the barbecue tonight; their voices were light, but I couldn't quite meet their stares and kept my eyes trained down at my moving feet.

I wanted to go find Edward and ask him, but with the two girls still watching me, I couldn't.

I felt the familiar prickly sensation in my eyes, and suddenly the only image I could conjure up in my head was Edward and a blonde beauty, together.

* * *

><p>Was I just a pleasurable repeat to him?<p>

"He's embarrassing the team."

I almost didn't understand what Edward was talking about, but I, in perfect timing, managed to turn toward the improvised stage for the night's open mic. I managed to let out a half-convincing chuckle. "Yeah, I didn't know he was tone deaf."

"I _told_ him not to do it."

Everyone burst into wild laughter as Mike Newton attempted to belt out the high note but failed; his voice cracked like a broken record.

"Jesus Christ," Edward breathed out, hiding his face in my shoulder and snickering until the horrific song ended.

The campfire was surprisingly more exciting than everyone expected it to be. The weather had been hellishly bitter all afternoon, so no one was looking forward to the night activity, but the temperature had actually risen and was better than it was during the previous hours; the crackling fire also did its job on deterring the cold.

"Hey, Bella."

I smiled a tad. "Yes, Edward, you may have the rest of my s'more."

With that, I stuffed the last bits into his expectantly open mouth.

"You read my mind," he said smilingly.

I tried to grin back, rearranging my body so I could stare up toward the sky; my mind felt strangely numb, blank. "For such bad weather all day, it's a pretty night. The sky's so beautiful."

"I don't know about it being beautiful, but it sure is big," he murmured.

I was surprised at how faraway the tone of his voice sounded, and I fully adjusted my body so this time I was directly facing him.

My stare kept rallying between Edward's face and the night sky, but all I could see was the green in his vacant eyes and the black of the sky.

No matter how hard I concentrated – no matter how hard I tried to see – I couldn't see what he was seeing. What exactly was he looking at? What did everything look like in his eyes?

"If I were God…"

I blinked up at him, giving him my attention.

But then he scrunched his nose and looked to the ground. "Never mind."

His mind was probably as cloudy as the skies had been this afternoon – eternally fogged up and just about to rain…

Unbidden, Rosalie Hale's face popped into my mind again.

As much as I hated to admit it, I felt ridiculously jealous.

"Edward."

I surprised him and myself by giving him a long, deep kiss on the mouth. When I pulled away, instead of feeling embarrassed, I felt more encouraged because for once, he was caught off guard; I dove in for a chaste kiss on his jaw.

Then, framing my face, he moved me so he could kiss me on the lips again. As his lips gently nibbled my neck, his hands wove around my waist where my pants met skin.

I shivered as his cold fingertips traced my skin, and I fumbled over his shirt, eliciting a slight laugh when I accidentally tickled him a little.

He was pushing my coat off my shoulders when I fleetingly chanced a sideward glance toward the main area of the field; I hoped we were hidden well in the darkness.

I yelped when he pulled me forward and positioned my body so I was straddling him, and he began to shower kisses all over my neck, some of which got more impassioned as they came closer and closer to my mouth.

I didn't stop him when his hands crawled under my bra and squeezed my bare breasts.

In fact, I wasn't thinking at all.

"Mm," I moaned quietly into his neck.

Fingering my bra, he whispered, "Let's get rid of this?"

"No, not here," I managed to say with the last of my conscience.

But he still pulled the cups and straps down me, and I let him.

As my fingers dug down his chest and touched his warm skin, his breathing became rougher and louder, and mine echoed his; the kissing never stopped, frantic and all over the place.

"This is nice for a change," he whispered.

My eyes flashed open.

Oh, no. What the hell was I doing?

I shakily and carefully disconnected my body from him.

"Or not?" he said, confused.

Feeling clumsy and ashamed of my actions, I adjusted my clothes and buried my face into my hands. I groaned; what was wrong with me?

"Is everything okay?"

It was Edward's voice.

I met his eyes for just one second; I was worried if there was some crazy lust still left in my eyes, and if there was, if he could see it.

"Edward," I whispered, and I sounded broken. "I have to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

I savored the moment; the next words were at the tip of my tongue, but I felt that the moment I let them slip, things would change for the worse. After all, truth wasn't always the best option.

My mouth open and closed, over and over again, and while no words came out, his patience stayed unrelenting.

"I don't think you should do this," I said at last.

He scowled. "Do what?" His face cleared, understanding dawning on him. "And why would you say that?"

I quickly gave the campfire a glance, smiling only briefly as I met eyes with Jessica's curious gaze.

I looked back at the beautiful boy in front of me. "Because…"

All I ever really wished for was for him, the person I liked the most, to look back at me as the person _he_ liked the most. All I wanted was that, but I had the feeling that it would never be fulfilled.

"Because," I said slowly, "I'm not Rosalie."

He was frozen for a second, and then he let out a short, self-deprecating scoff. "Are we seriously talking about this?"

My eyes hurriedly moved down to my lap.

"I told you," he said calmly. "She's nothing. Don't make me look like a fool here."

"No." I shook my head. "What I meant was – I don't think _I _can do this… It's just too much."

As I said the words and heard them, I realized that I was finally coming to terms with the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I could only imagine how much Rosalie meant to Edward.

Because the memories you made with that one special person – especially when he or she left you – would still always be revisited, everything sealed in its perfectly beautiful state, unharmed and unadulterated – because all of it was going to be left behind in your heart forever.

I didn't know to what extent Edward thought about her; I didn't even know if what I thought was any close to what he really was thinking, but that made me more all the more scared. I just wasn't ready to take that leap of faith.

The memories of being loved by Rosalie Hale and loving her in return were bound so tightly around him that I wasn't sure if I could ever get the chance to reach in and touch him myself.

"Why are you doing this?" he mumbled, voice dangerous and pleading.

Mustering up my courage, I raised my head up. But I wasn't prepared to see the blankness in his eyes. I suddenly wished his eyes would turn clear and kind as they had been before. The one thing I was scared about – more than his cold response – had been his eyes, all glassy and suddenly full of hatred… all directed at me.

But even as I saw this, I decided that I'd rather let this be now than realize much too late that I was never wanted the way I wanted to be wanted.

Would I get out of this safely? Hopefully – although I wasn't too sure about how.

Feeling a rush of panic, I reached for his hand. "Hey, I'm sorry –"

He slapped my hand off.

"Edward," I whispered, wide-eyed.

"Don't play games," he said in monotone as he fastened up the four buttons which I had undone merely moments ago. "You might be the girl I want, but that does not mean you can walk over me like that. I don't think you have it clear, Bella – just because I feel that way about you doesn't mean you can be selfish about all this. Just because I feel that way doesn't mean you're the only thing that matters to me, because you're not."

He glared at me, and at that moment, something inside me died.

Eyes moved away, he left me without another word; he simply rose and walked over to where Emmett and Mike were by the other side of the field.

He never glanced back.

* * *

><p>Sleep came late that night.<p>

But even once I managed, I would wake back up many, many times in the middle of the night to check up on my phone with faint hope that I might have a missed call from him – or maybe even a message.

Every time, I would be disappointed to find nothing.

Finally, I would lie back down for the hundredth time, praying that everything would be all right by morning came.

* * *

><p>The seniors were doing far better than the juniors.<p>

I watched closely as Edward set his foot on the diamond for the first time.

And with that, the girls who had been complaining about how the day was scheduled in favor for the boys – the abundance of sports activities, more specifically – stopped their yapping immediately. They watched in pure awe as Edward Cullen crouched into a stance, his eyes glued on the pitcher and the ball like a hawk.

Finally when the pitcher threw the ball, he did a full swing, hitting it with a resounding boom, and the white object flew over – and homerun.

Edward had never looked so bored, though; he practically walked around the baseball diamond, poking each base with the tip of his toes before changing direction to the next one.

The senior boys in the team were doing the premature victory dance by the time he returned to the bench, but he ignored them all. Meanwhile, all girls – including those in my junior class – broke into applause and shrieked in exaggerated enthusiasm, flapping their arms in his direction.

I should add baseball to the list of things he was good at.

Finally, though, I saw that at Mike's insistence, Edward halfheartedly did a high-five with a couple of his teammates, and when he plopped down on the bench, got a slap of approval from the sponsor-teacher of the team. I smiled a little.

Then out of nowhere, his eyes latched onto me.

As quickly as we made eye contact, he looked the other way.

My heart was pounding so fast – as if out of guilt – and I could feel my face turning pink. I suddenly hated the fact that it was mandatory for everyone to attend this game.

Gingerly, I this time saw him quaff down a whole bottle of water – angrily? – before rolling down the sleeves of his shirt to his wrists.

He didn't have any response to anything, it seemed. Even when Mike, the next batter, managed a solid bunt, he hardly took notice.

His eyes were directed at the field, but they were obviously zoning out.

He was thinking about me.

And I, him.

I groaned as I pulled my legs close to my chest and buried my face in my arms. People probably thought I was crazy, but I didn't care.

Because now I knew that I had seriously fallen for Edward Cullen, and that made me sad.

* * *

><p>He was staring at me again.<p>

Then with newfound determination, he was striding – jogging – toward me, crossing the field.

I scanned the baseball field in mild surprise, because I was quite sure that the game hadn't ended yet.

The same teacher who had given Edward praise for hitting a homerun looked panicked himself as he yelled for him to come back.

That didn't stop Edward.

"Bella," he yelled through the wired fence, cupping his mouth.

Oh, no.

I felt all eyes burning into me, and I wanted to disappear.

He yelled again, "Bella! I need to talk to you."

In response, I stood – but not because I was saying yes – and started to inch away; my humility was telling me to get ready to run and hide.

He noticed this and grimaced, his eyes turning serious.

I was searching for the exit when he finally made a move.

Stepping a good ten feet away from the fence, he eyed the fence and its height.

My classmates gasped as he jumped and climbed over, landing on the ground in a small wobble and for a moment falling back to the fence. He winced as he landed on the wrong foot and shook off his left hand, hissing in slight pain.

But that didn't deter him from reaching me.

"Hi," he breathed out when he caught up.

"I can't believe you just did that," I whispered up at him.

"Me neither." At last, that was when Edward took notice of the eyes and ears around us, and he nodded toward the gates for me to follow. "All I'm asking you is one minute."

* * *

><p>Some eyes still followed us as we made a beeline to the exit.<p>

"What did you want to say?" I initiated, wary, once we were outside the gates.

The nervousness he seemed to have moments ago was suddenly gone; the look in his eyes was calm, almost cold, like the usual Edward Cullen I'd always known.

"I probably shouldn't have said what I said last night," he said simply.

Again, cold.

_"Just because I feel that way doesn't mean you're the only thing that matters to me."_

I began to blink rapidly, in attempt to make the stinging in the eyes go away.

"It's okay," I assured him quietly. "Because it was how you felt. You shouldn't lie about that, and I respect that you were honest with me."

His eyes narrowed.

"No, really," I insisted. My words started to tumble out faster. "I'm sorry I started it, by the way; I – I never thought I could break your cool –… Psh, I didn't think it was possible for _anyone_ to break your cool like that." Dazed, I shook my head. "I'm just – I'm really sorry."

There was an awkward pause.

"You've got to be kidding me," Edward whispered before his voice harshly rose in volume. "When will you realize that you're the only girl – an alive one at that, by the way – that I give the fucking time of day?"

Stunned, I could only stare at him.

"Are you _that _clueless?" he asked loudly.

"Don't talk to me like that," I shot back, and I was really surprised that I sounded as loud and as steadfast as he did. When a parent chaperone walked by and gave us a disapproving look, I lowered my voice. "I don't want to argue with you."

Then he too lowered his voice, his words low but clear.

"Listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once," he said slowly. "Why would any guy get into an argument with a girl he doesn't even care about?"

His hand reached above my head to clutch at the top of the gate, and he leaned closer, looking at me straight in the eye. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I –" I searched his eyes. "I –"

But they were now looking straight over my head.

"Fuck it," I heard him mumble, and he sounded annoyed. "I never wanted to be part of the game anyway."

"What?" I said, at a total loss.

"Run," he said in the brief moment before he got a hold of my wrist and took off.

Looking over my shoulder in that split second, I caught a glimpse of the teacher-sponsor for the senior baseball boys' team, just a little distance away, making his way toward where we were; he was inspecting everywhere and looked positively furious. It was only then that I realized what Edward meant and what he was doing.

I barely managed to keep up with the speed at which Edward was dashing across the boulevard, and we finally stopped when we turned down a corner in neck-breaking speed and hid next to the vending machine.

I was more dumbstruck than mad or annoyed, and I was having trouble breathing properly. "I can't believe –"

That was when my eyes spotted that something was wrong with his hand, the one that was still protectively wrapped around my wrist.

"Oh, my God," I whispered as I then, without thinking, slowly cornered him into the wall.

Leave it to Edward Cullen to smirk in this situation. "What?"

I glared in disbelief. "Take off your clothes."

He raised an eyebrow. "With pleasure?"

I closed my eyes and cursed myself. "I mean – what I mean is I need to see your wrist."

"Why?"

His protests persisted, but I managed to tackle him down halfway and get a firm grip on his arm. I sat him on the ground with another sound glare and carefully rolled up one sleeve of his shirt.

"Ow," he hissed, as my fingers probed his wrist – bruised, shaking.

"Oh, man," I said, somehow cringing with him. I shut my eyes close and opened them again. "This is what you get for climbing over a fifteen-foot fence! No one else would have done that. Really, who does that?" Angry, I brought the injured wrist closer to me so I could get a better look. "We have to get you to the nurse right now, okay?"

His eyes slanted downward to meet mine, and they blinked several times before darting away.

"Are you even listening to me?" I said tersely.

"Yeah," he murmured, twisting away and his profile showing me half of his despondent smile.

I tried to soften my voice. "We really have to get you some ice; let's go now. Please?"

Seeming to be deep in thought, he pulled a knee up as he rested his elbow against it. "Just let me ask you one thing."

His voice. "Yes?"

"Were you trying to break up with me last night?"

I was dumbfounded, because it was singularly both the most and the least anticipated question.

I blushed, hard. "I… –"

"I'll take that as a yes," he interrupted. "Why?"

Why?

"Because…" I began and trailed off. I let out a frustrated groan. "Because –"

"I'm asking you to take me back."

My heart rate spiked.

"But I just –" I stuttered. "I told you this already, but I'd hate it if things get out of hand and –"

"No, Bella," he said firmly, "I need _you_ to listen to _me_. Okay?"

I nodded, unsure.

"I'm going to be the selfish one today and tell you that what matters this minute, right now is what I think and what I feel, and I want you to take me back." His eyes stayed unwavering. "Take me back, Bella."

Unchecked tears began to gather in my eyes.

"What matters is that you're important, okay?" he murmured, brushing the knuckles of his good hand against my cheek for the briefest second before letting his arm go limp. He smiled. "You're pretty important to me right now."

I ran a hand through his hair, and down his neck and slightly heaving chest. I let my hand settle on top of his heart for a moment before grappling his shirt in a fist.

Vigilantly, he stacked his injured hand on top of my fisted one – and it was a touch that warmed me up not only in the cold weather but also in my own heart.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Long time no see, everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter; I'm sorry that the updates are so scarce… I'm literally immersed in the college application process! Good news is I've submitted two college apps just several days ago :) About ten more (nope, not an exaggeration) to go!

See you soon – hopefully!

Sarah


	17. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**

* * *

><p>We quietly made our way down the lobby of the housing building, the afternoon sun filtering in through the glass windows.<p>

Edward walked a couple of steps ahead of me, his uninjured hand in his jean pocket.

In a pensive mood, I watched his bruised one swing back and forth.

A hastily written sign greeted us at the nurse's room.

_At the baseball game_

Edward and I stood before the slightly ajar door.

He turned toward me with a grin. "Now what?"

I pushed the door open and gently pulled him in with me. "We help ourselves."

* * *

><p>Without meeting his eyes, I guided him over to one of the beds and quickly went to work.<p>

Before going on a search for the emergency kit, I made an ice pack and softly placed it on his swollen wrist.

As I tended his hand and arm, I continued to watch him from the corner of my eyes and kept shaking my head because I couldn't help it.

When we were finally engaged in a eye-contact, I noticed that he had a lazy eyebrow raised.

Still in silence, I taped everything up and took a seat on the small stool by the bed.

I scrutinized his wrist and heaved a sigh. "I just hate that you're hurt."

"But it's not your fault."

Deep in thought, I closed the emergency aid kit and put it back onto the counter where it belonged. I randomly rummaged through the bottles, keeping my back toward him as I glanced over my shoulder.

"Did you really mean what you said?" I began, hesitant. "About…"

On the mattress, he leaned back on one palm of his hand and appraised me thoughtfully.

"I'm a girl, Edward," I told him, nearing him carefully. "I'm sensitive. I overreact. I underestimate and overestimate, overthink almost everything, and look too deep into everything. I get jealous, but most important of all, when I say I care, I mean it." Sitting on the edge of the bed with him, I began to chew on the inside of my cheek. "And –"

He slid forward abruptly, and slightly scared, I began to scoot away. Despite his injury, he managed to corner me and placed his newly bandaged arm over my head on the headboard.

"What?" I whispered with wide eyes.

"I'm not gonna move a single inch if this is what it takes for me to get your attention."

I gulped.

"There's no such thing as letting someone go," he began. "That's a lie."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that one of us just doesn't care as much as the other does."

"That – that's not true," I said, my lips thinning in anger.

"Either that," he continued flatly, "or you were testing me and trying to see if I cared as much as you did. Which is very low of you."

He didn't sound sarcastic or joking; he simply stared at me in the solemn, quiet way that startled me.

"That's not true either," I said fiercely, straightening up. "I was trying to do the right thing!"

"I slept on it last night," he went on regardless, "and then I realized how unfair it was, because it was you who wanted me first, and then it was you who was trying to say that I shouldn't want you back. You weren't supposed to end it."

My mouth opened then snapped shut.

"And you didn't even give me the chance to say what I had to say." He looked away for a second. "Sometimes, doing the right thing can go wrong." His eyes were so, so green. "But either way, I'm not willing to gamble everything because of you – because I have just too much to lose and – damn it –" He wordlessly and suddenly enveloped me into a smothering hug. "Just don't do that again."

I stayed frozen, absolutely stunned, and that was when I realized that this guy had seen and had too many people come and go in his life that he couldn't afford to lose another person – couldn't afford to lose… me?

Unbidden, tears started to well up in my eyes. "What happened between you and Rosalie was just that – between you two. Right? It doesn't matter anymore, does it?" I said as bravely as I could. "I don't want you to be angry if I say this, but if it isn't too much to ask, I just wish you would focus on… us. I mean, it wouldn't make sense that I'm jealous. After all, how can I fight with that – the first girl you ever – um –" I wanted to slap myself. "All I can probably do is make you think of her less and less. At least I'm the now. Even if I can never be that first choice –" _while you'll be my first_, "I could probably be –"

"Bella." He snickered and groaned at the same time. "Just shut up."

"I should," I mumbled, anxiously fingering the new, soft bandage on his hand.

It was silent.

"I think you can let go of me now," I whispered.

"So you can find another reason to break it off? I don't think so."

It was silent again as I rubbed his hair and back.

"I know what I should say and do," he remarked randomly, "but I get it all wrong sometimes."

"It's okay," I assured him again, meaning it.

Someday, I wanted to be that person who could support him, the one who had the strength to do that. Now, though, I would do what I could do – and speak what I had to say – because I wanted all of me to reach him. That way, he would probably understand.

As I finally pulled away a little, his sleepy eyes found my alert ones, and they wiped all thought out of my head.

A big grin pulled at his lips. "Is it only me who realized that we're sitting on a bed?"

I attempted to shove him off, but he barely budged.

"Don't even think about it," I warned.

"Kiss me." He closed his eyes before opening them again slowly. "Kiss me good."

Without thinking, I tightened my hold on his hand. "We might get caught."

"We won't."

My resolve was already breaking. "People are going to be back in the building any second."

"Let them see."

I closed my eyes, resigned. "Okay."

And whenever he kissed me, I was never able to think straight. He gripped my waist, and I felt the pressure and the warmth of his fingers that made me feel safe.

What scared me the most, though, was that I was finally understanding that a world without him simply did not exist to me anymore.

His cell phone buzzed endlessly in his jean pocket until it just died off. He tasted like oranges and mint, more addictive than any drug.

* * *

><p>I jumped as something warm touched my cheek, and I flipped around to see Edward holding a hot pack to my face.<p>

Grinning, I patted the spot on the rug next to me, and he sat down as he enveloped me with a furry blanket which he brought from the upstairs dorm area.

Laughing at something Jessica said, I snuggled closer to his body and nestled the side of my face in his chest. Under the blanket, I felt him slide a hand up and down my waist.

"Yo, you two are way too close!" Mike Newton exclaimed, throwing popcorn at our faces. "We're trying to watch a movie here."

"Get over it," Edward said in monotone, nonchalantly staring at the television screen and stealing popcorn.

"What have you done with the heartless Edward Cullen, Bella?" Mike accused teasingly. "What have you done with Captain!"

"She's freezing, Mike," Edward said, before looking down at me. "Are you still?"

"Nope." I nodded at the fireplace. "It's getting hot, really."

He began to put some space between us, but I held onto his arm. He grinned down at me for a long time.

"Get a room," Lauren mumbled from the couch, sniffling and shimmying herself closer to the armrest.

Edward shrugged again. "If you say so," was all he said as he pulled me upstairs to the boys' dorms, followed by teasing catcalls and wolf whistles.

I heard Lauren yelling something about us violating school rules, but I didn't think either of us really cared.

* * *

><p>"It's good that volleyball season's over," I said as our lips parted into an openmouthed kiss. I grasped onto the collar of his shirt and brought him closer to me against his dorm room door. "Your wrist."<p>

His kisses were demanding, and they drove me crazy.

And then he suddenly pulled away.

"Why do you like me?"

I blinked up at him. "Huh?"

He blinked down at me in return.

Nervously, I tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. "What exactly do you want me to say?"

"The truth."

I tried to suppress the smirk as I ran a hand up his neck and into his hair, knotting it. "Fishing for compliments?"

"Maybe," he said, smiling.

"Well, you always make me come back," I said seriously, although the words were inadequate.

He raised an eyebrow as he backed away to his bed and pried off his jacket.

I stared back at him. "And you might be kind of really good-looking."

That got his attention. "You think I'm good-looking?"

I blinked. "Come on. You knew that already."

"Good-looking?" he mused again, head tossed to the side, the corners of his lips quirking upward.

"Oh, stop it." I took off my outerwear as well and jumped onto his lumpy bed. "Why else would girls here practically swoon at your presence?"

He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes before nudging him on the leg with my toe. "Like you don't know what they all say."

"No." A faint, amused smile touched his lips as he leaned forward. "What do they say?"

I rolled over, because I felt dizzy all of a sudden. "Nuh uh. You _know _you have game."

"I don't. Seriously. Honestly."

I made a face at him and settled into a sitting position, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "I'm too… average for you, apparently. Which is not completely untrue, since you _are_ kind of an abnormality."

"My question is," he interrupted, expression blank and eyes boring into mine, "whose opinion do you value more? Those girls' or mine?"

The room was chilly, but mostly because the bedroom window was open. The white curtain billowed over the open window, buoyed up by an errant wind.

"Yours," I answered shyly.

I watched as he lay down, arms outstretched, as his eyes stayed unmoving on mine.

"I'm going to fish for compliments too," I said quietly. My heart started to race. "What is your opinion of me?"

He was staring at my lips now, tracing them with his fingers. "You're the sweetest girl I've ever met."

"Phew, I thought you'd say something terrible," I teased and beamed.

Out of nowhere, his lips pressed onto my neck and collarbone, and his hands snaked up and fumbled with my shirt. "How old are you, Bella?"

I backed up a little and gaped at him. "Um, I just turned seventeen. Why?"

"Nothing."

"How old are you?"

He was watching my reaction now. "Eighteen."

"Oh." I swallowed before narrowing my eyes, suspicious. "And why are you staring at me like that?"

Then his lips were on mine.

"Hey," I mumbled laughingly, feeling his mouth move frantically and stifling my words. "What's going on?"

Then his hands went up my shirt. His fingers smoothed over my bare stomach before going farther up and brushing against my breast.

My breathing stopped.

We'd been here before last night. But –

"Would you stop me?" was all he asked.

Looking past him, I stared out the window. I felt insecure with the room lit up so well, and the night was still so young. But in the end, I turned back toward him and shook my head no.

Then he was lifting my shirt off, and I his. His build was so toned and slim, and he had a narrow waist and wide shoulders that made my mouth water a little.

He pressed our bare chests together, kissing me and bringing me down so I was lying on his pillows, and I became more desperate when his tongue flattened against mine.

His body was so warm.

When he studied my body, I wrapped my arms around him, shy, and ran my fingers down the splitting cords of his back.

He groaned loudly, his forehead against mine, as he began to venture somewhere else.

We began share the same breaths as his fingers dipped in my unbuttoned jeans and touched me… there –

"You're so warm," he said, finding the damp spot and pressing. "And wet."

I felt hot, because this was all new to me, and then his fingers were working me in tight circles, making me squirm and arch. He even pushed one finger inside me, but stopped when I went rigid.

"Relax," he mumbled in my ear, brushing his mouth on the slightly sweaty hair on my neck.

"No one's ever done this to me before," I confessed embarrassedly.

He made no reply, simply taking his finger out and placing it back on my clit.

With that, I brought him back into a kiss, and I cried into his mouth.

"Mm, Edward," I said breathlessly, and all I was telling him after that was to never, ever stop.

He didn't, and I came at another person's touch for the first time in my life.

His arms completely surrounded my waist, each hand latched onto the opposite hip, as he suddenly drove his hips forward, hitting me in the same sensitive area.

I went still again, moaning a little, and he kept doing it over and over. Groaning and kissing, he took us closer and closer – still – to the orgasm.

"Bella, I gotta…" he said, his voice strained and gravelly, each thrust growing more frenzied and uncontrolled.

Without a word, I simply pulled his waist closer.

He then picked up his pace, rubbing himself shamelessly against me, and it was obvious that he couldn't take his hands off my body – my breasts – my legs. He came undone as he tucked his face in my neck and moaned.

Our breaths were ridiculously shallow and loud, the evidence of what naughty thing we just did.

"What did I just do?" he said belatedly.

"Oh, my God," I whispered as I stared, wide-eyed, at the door. "We didn't even lock the door!"

He let out a big snort.

Embarrassed, I brought his sheets up to my chin. I felt incredibly self-conscious, lying in his bed half-naked, and especially more so as I remembered how hot his breaths had been in my ear. And the throbbing feeling below only accentuated what we had just done. It had been so random yet expected.

"You had this planned out," I accused him, as I remembered the different things he had implied all of yesterday and today.

"How am I supposed to help myself?" he said, backing away in one fluid motion, all innocent and guileless… until his eyes zoned onto my cleavage.

I cleared my throat and awkwardly pulled my jeans bunched up on my shins back up my hips.

"I can't believe we just did that," I said in a daze.

His eyes dropped to the wet spot on his jeans. "I can."

I was red in the face, realizing that the damp mark was all me. Mortified, I slapped a hand on his naked chest and sat up. "No wonder you asked how old I am!"

"Yep." He pushed me back on the bed and made sure that he was on top. "What if you were fifteen or something?"

I swallowed, trying to breath discreetly because our bare chests were touching and it was getting hot again.

He felt it too, his chest moving in and out. "We should probably go back down, yeah?"

"Yeah," I breathed.

"But just one more." He kissed me deeply and brushed a finger on my nipple. "Christ. Let's not."

Arching my back, I giggled and swatted his arm. "That's enough!"

"I was kidding." He smirked and threw on his shirt again. "I think."

He momentarily excused himself to change into a new pair of boxers and jeans, and so did I to clean up, and as we jogged back down the stairs and faced our friends again, I had to look away or down because I was feeling paranoid that everyone knew what we had been doing.

"You can look at me once in a while, you know," Edward whispered in my ear at one point.

He casually wrapped an arm around my waist, and I scrutinized his finger tapping against my hipbone.

The same finger that had…

My face burned red. And suddenly, I realized that we were now that much more intimate. That much closer.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>I know I updated just a couple of days ago; I just wanted to make up for the scarce updates. I really appreciate all the reviews, guys! You all keep me motivated. So please give me feedback about this chapter too!

See you next time!

Sarah


	18. Chapter 17

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**

* * *

><p>Why couldn't I stop thinking about the way he touched me that night?<p>

It had been some days since the two-day retreat and was now officially winter break, and I was having especially hard time getting him out of my head.

I stared blankly at the lit up Christmas candle in front of me, unthinkingly adjusting the sleeve of my oversized cardigan and patting down the bottom hem over my shorts, and I was pulled out of the stupor only when the doorbell rang.

Weird. Charlie called an hour ago, saying he'd be late.

I peered through the peephole to see –

I ripped the door open, eyes wide. "What are you doing here?"

"It's Christmas Eve, and all you give your boyfriend is 'what are you doing here?'" Edward smirked. "Should we try this again?"

I cracked a smile. "I'm sorry, I just… I thought you were flying out to Chicago tonight."

"Supposed to," he corrected.

He checked me out from head to toe, and I bashfully hid my scantily clad legs behind the door.

"It's cold," I told him softly. "You should come in."

He stepped in listlessly and halted, an eyebrow up in silent question. "Is Chief Swan here?"

I shook my head no. "He said he won't make it home tonight."

Surreptitiously, I glanced down at his packed luggage and back up at his face.

Edward had told me that his grandparents wanted him to visit during break.

I checked the clock and noted that it was far too late for him to catch his flight.

"Tell me what's wrong," I said.

"I don't want to go."

I didn't know how to follow up to that: one, because I was genuinely worried that I might step out of line by saying the wrong things; two, because what he had done to me that last night at the retreat was very fresh in my mind, and well, I felt awkward and exposed.

The buzzer in the oven went off.

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" I nervously wrung my hands together in front of me. "Charlie's not going to be here, and I don't know what to do with all that food."

He smiled, sheepish, as I shyly led him in by the hand.

"Thanks, Bella."

I turned, and the look in his eyes made my heart ache; I wished he could tell me what happened, but I would never force him to. That was how he and I had worked all along.

"You're welcome," I whispered back.

* * *

><p>"Dad, you can't just randomly decide to work all tonight and tomorrow morning too. You should slow down." Although I was beyond frustrated, my voice stayed leveled and low; I peeked at Edward over my shoulder because I didn't want him to overhear. "It's Christmas."<p>

I sighed as Charlie began on a rant about my college tuition costs and how the hours he worked now were still not enough, and I felt the urge to end the call.

At last, when he hung up on me and I on him, I languidly returned to the living room and tossed Edward a candy cane.

With a grunt, I slumped over on the comfy sofa seat next to him.

"He's not coming," he stated wryly, biting off a piece of the candy before putting the rest in his leather jacket. He shot a glimpse in my direction. "Is he?"

"No." I angrily folded my arms. "Not till tomorrow night, anyway."

He snorted, and the sound was bitter. "I guess I'm not the only one with family issues."

I looked up, and oh, his eyes were so vacant.

"You're thinking about something stupid again, aren't you?" I asked, smiling and hoping he would smile back.

He did, softly. "Define stupid."

"Tell me what's wrong," I repeated.

"Nothing's wrong –"

"Liar."

"– if my grandpa would stop treating me like a baby."

I shoved him on the arm, but I didn't put much energy into it.

"It makes sense," he said sourly, "since the last time he saw me was when I was in middle school. I don't even want to know why he wants to see me now."

"What about Carlisle? Is he still in town?"

"I wouldn't know. He's not really at home anymore." His eyes glazed over. "No one ever is."

Damn it. I wished I could do something.

"I don't know where I'm supposed to be – where I belong," he told me. "I feel like I'm floating half the time."

"Well, I say you belong here at the very least."

I blushed when his eyes, surprised, snapped down to my face. His lips shaped into a sly grin.

Glad that he was okay, I locked my arm around his and rested my head against him, and then his eyes were trailing down my tank top under my cardigan.

The air between us turned tense.

Oh, it was just us two in the house, wasn't it?

"I really want to take this off," he murmured.

The casual way he played with the strap of my top made me really look at him, and I was warmed with his unguarded, perpetually tired gaze.

I squirmed, the memory of hot breaths and hectic grinding rushing back.

His fingers stopped. "Do I make you uncomfortable?"

I looked down in an attempt to escape his probing stare.

"Is it because of that night?" He dipped his head as if to cast my eyes back toward him. "Did I go too fast?"

Wordlessly, I gathered my hair down just one shoulder, revealing a side of my neck and allowing him to touch me better there.

And I could see him… wanting. And I wanted him too.

I voluntarily slipped the strap off my shoulder.

"You can take it off," I said quietly.

As if he'd been waiting for those very words, he began to kiss the side of my bare neck and pried off the cardigan and straps down both of my shoulders. I felt bare – both physically and emotionally – as his hands roamed around to touch my neck and collarbone.

Soon, we had taken off both our shirts. He was getting rid of my bra when he crawled on top of me, and in that moment, I felt vulnerable and brave at the same time.

It felt amazing – to be keenly wanted by someone _I _wanted.

I watched him closely as I ran my hand down his chest to his jeans. While his lips dropped to my neck and moved languidly against the skin there, I took my time unbuttoning his pants and lowering them down his hips. I carefully dipped inside and went downward.

To be honest, I was scared; I'd never really touched a guy this way. He was probably able to tell that I was a nervous mess.

Then I pulled all of him out, and keeping my eyes away from it because I was a virgin through and through, I began to move my hand up and down, up and down.

"Am I holding it right?" I whispered, my heart pounding and eyes widening. "I have no idea what I'm doing."

Faint smile on his lips, he answered me by rotating his hips. "I'm not as fragile as you think."

So I tightened my hand, making the hold firmer, and his response was immediate.

His kisses on my face became more frantic – wetter – than usual, and his chest heaved, one moment grazing mine and the next not touching again and again; he was moving his hips in such a motion that made me imagine even more indecent things and blush.

His breaths quickly dampened my skin, and I felt his thumb rub the side of my waist so tiredly, so sensually. The arm that was holding him up began to shake, and I heard the leather of the sofa below my head bunch up in his fists.

The best part was seeing his pleasure. He pressed his forehead against mine, showering distracted kisses all over my face; he was so into it, his throat muscles stretched and jaw taut. In some moments, he would go steady and long, and in others, pump fast and insistently.

His eyes suddenly flew open.

He lurched off as he then hastily finished himself.

I gaped – frankly in shock – as he wildly pumped and stroked himself. He threw his head backward, and with an erotic groan, stilled his hand, languidly massaging and squeezing it all out.

Before I could decide on how to react, he fell back and crushed his full weight on me.

"You made a mess on the sofa," I said blankly.

"Your dad's gonna shoot me for sure now, huh?"

Out of nowhere, his hand shot out and reached in between my legs.

He hooked his hands around my panties and shorts, playing with them, as his breaths got heavy again. I knew he wanted to take them off me. I knew I wanted him to, while on the other hand, I didn't. I wasn't sure if I was ready.

Without much effort, he sat me up, cowering me onto the back of the sofa, as his finger began to move steadily against me.

It was my turn to lay my forehead on his shoulder as I let out high-pitched moans. My hips began to circle in their own accord.

He kept me still with an arm around my lower back. "Keep your legs open."

I loved how he started to get breathless as I did.

"This… is embarrassing," I breathed out, because I was extremely wet and it felt like it was dripping down me, all over my thighs and even lower.

He blew air into my ear, and I squeaked, both my hands tightening around his neck. I watched what was happening below me, quite fascinated, as his wrist rolled faster and faster, and the tendons of his arms began to stretch out more and more – until finally, my body relaxed as I came undone.

"Good girl," he said softly.

It was so strange, us doing this.

A shuddering breath escaped me in the silence. "I have the sneaking suspicion that you came over just to get some."

"Nah."

"Seriously."

His shoulders shrugged under my fingertips. "It may have been part of the reason?"

My eyes narrowed. "Which is more tempting – me or my body?"

A smile grew wide on his face. "Both."

He was shamelessly staring at my breasts and hips, and his smile was crooked but just perfect. Just perfect for me.

And God, he was so cute. His shoulders were so broad; he had toned, strong arms; and I could easily trace his abdominal muscles if I wanted to. I loved the fact that I could rest my whole body against his and feel protected, because he was so tall and big and –

With a groan, I ducked my head. "This sucks."

His hand squeezed my waist. "What does?"

_One of these days, I'm going to end up having sex with you._

"What," he said, dumbfounded.

Oh, no. "Did I say that too loudly?"

When he snickered, I wasn't even surprised.

It was quiet for a moment, and I was about to start cleaning up the mess on the couch when he kept me grounded against his body, pressing his chest into mine.

"You don't want to?" he asked quietly.

"I – I don't know." I tried to smile a little. "But like I said, you'll probably end up seducing me anyway."

"Great." He deadpanned. "We could do it right now. You and me."

What was he – "Wh – what?"

He cracked a smile and rubbed a hand in my hair. "I'm messin' with you."

_"Sex is his instinct."_

Sex is his instinct?

"Bella." Edward shook me. "Bella?"

The air between us turned serious as I looked at him squarely in the eyes.

"Someone told me," I began, preoccupied, "that the physical things, to a guy, are just a game."

His eyes went blank.

Disappointment settled in my stomach as I laughed uneasily. "I guess that's a yes?"

For some reason, I felt sick.

"But so what?"

My head snapped up. "What?"

"So what if I do think that way?" His face was smooth yet aloof. "What matters is that I won't treat you like that. Bella, I _could_ easily have you right now if I wanted to. We could have easily gone out of control already, but you and I are choosing not to."

My face as well as body turned pink. While I didn't agree, I surely didn't want to bet against him.

A strange feeling of warmth swept over me, replacing the cold feeling of defeat, and because I wanted to, I kissed him on the lips softly and slowly, once, and then more firmly twice before screwing my arms tightly around his chest like a little kid.

"You should stop that," he murmured as his hands traced the sides of my breasts and down to my thighs, "unless you're really planning to sleep with me tonight."

I stopped immediately.

He was grinning as he pulled up his pants.

"Restroom's upstairs," I blurted out.

"Right." That playful gleam in his eyes. "But I think we should clean up _this_ mess first."

The sofa.

"Oh. Ha." Flustered, I leaned over him and plucked out some tissues from the coffee table. "Charlie can't ever know about this."

"Are you good at keeping secrets?"

"Well." I blushed. "I try, I guess. Why?"

"'Cause you're about to have a lot more from now on."

Shocked, I looked at him, and the way he was smirking at me was so, completely indecent.

* * *

><p>My sleepy eyes drifted open before widening in shock as they registered the bright light streaming through the living room window.<p>

I hurriedly scrambled up to see that it was almost eleven in the morning.

"You up?" a groggy voice asked.

I turned, and – Edward.

"Hi," I said, sounding breathless. "You're still here."

"Fell asleep during the movie," he explained, looking disoriented as he zipped up his leather jacket. "Hope you don't mind."

"Of course not." I stared down at the blanket on me and smiled because he always surprised me in such unexpected ways. "Did you just wake up?"

"Nope. I was up since…" he glanced over at the clock, "since twelve hours ago."

"Oh." Insomnia was going to be the death of him. "You must be beat."

He shrugged, carding his fingers through his disheveled hair before standing up.

"You're gonna go?" I sat up abruptly, but seeing that he didn't look like he was in a hurry, I relaxed back onto the sofa. "You can stay."

He didn't say anything for a minute, hand in his pocket, before glancing back at me. "When's Charlie coming back again?"

"Later tonight. Regardless, I think you should stay. It's –" I took in a big breath and shrugged. "It's Christmas."

His eyes clouded over, as if some thought had invaded him. "True."

"So." I grinned, relieved, when he sat back down. "Are you ready for Christmas brunch or what?"

He grinned back. "Oh, yeah."

I slightly staggered as Edward tipped my chin up and gave me the sweetest kiss ever – literally.

"Merry Christmas," he murmured against my mouth, eyes twinkling like the green Christmas lights.

As he leaned away, I realized that he had put a piece of candy cane in my mouth.

My face felt warm as I carefully rolled the candy inside my mouth.

"Merry Christmas," I echoed at last.

His eyes were so pretty in the morning light; they blinked, as if they were adjusting to the daylight for the first time.

And it hurt to look at him.

I was still speechless as he kissed me again, and this time when we parted, he stole the candy back.

He also stole away my heart.

* * *

><p>"So did you get any sleep last night?" I asked as I fed him a piece of cinnamon bun.<p>

He chewed thoughtfully. "A couple of hours?"

"How do you manage to stay awake during the day? You can take a nap now, if you want." I gently brushed down his freshly washed hair that smelled of my shampoo as I opened up my U.S. History textbook. "I have some APUSH reading to do anyway."

As I turned to the correct chapter, he stretched, yawning a little, and slumped backward. His eyes bored into the ceiling, unblinking.

"I didn't know the Chief had this kind of room," he said.

I looked around and smiled, forlorn. "He never uses it."

Through the kitchen and the dining room of my house was the "special" dining room – it was supposedly my mom's idea when the three of us actually lived under the same roof – in which the Swans used to host Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year's dinners, and the place was decorated with a mini chandelier, white lace tablecloth, oak chairs, and everything else that made up a woman's dream-come-true. And connected to it was another room, one that was more secluded, and it was one of expensive sofas, elegant lamps, old portraits, and granite floor.

"But I do," I continued as I lay on his lap and flipped to the next page. "I like it here on colder days. It's much quieter and warmer here than it is in the basement room."

He absentmindedly combed his fingers through my hair, and I closed my eyes in comfort. I knew I should be studying…

"Bella."

My eyes opened.

He stayed silent for a minute before speaking up again.

"How do you like Forks?" he asked me.

I tossed my head to the side, scowling in confusion. "It's… interesting to say the least."

"How is it interesting?"

"It's the exact opposite of Phoenix." I scrutinized him cautiously. "Why do you ask?"

He looked off the other way. "So you were forced to move here?"

"Basically." I continued to watch him curiously. "I would have never moved here if it weren't for my mom…" Then at the memory of her, I suddenly felt nostalgic – maybe even slightly annoyed. "Now I think of it, she barely checks up on me anymore."

"You should call her, then."

"I don't want to," I said, stubborn. "And I hate her boyfriend."

Edward cracked an amused smile. "Does she know about me?"

"How could she?" I sighed, blinking up at him. "She never calls."

"So who do you like more, Charlie or your mom?"

"Neither."

"Why?"

"Just." I crossed my arms and closed my eyes. "The three of us don't get along." I eyed him. "So are you going to tell me what's going on in your head?"

"Nothing's going on." He paused. "But I guess I was just wondering if you found a place. One that accepts your worth."

He seemed introspective, but his tone was surprisingly lighthearted, musing.

"Let me guess." I nervously fingered the hem of his shirt. "You haven't."

His face was inscrutable. "You know how people say that you're special because you never existed in the past and you will never exist again in the future? And you know how they say that there can be no other you but the one that exists today?"

I nodded, my attention piquing.

"But how exactly can that person in the moment _be _that person? Have you wondered about that at all?"

My mouth opened and closed. "That's deep."

He actually responded with a small smile. "Rosalie said that too."

Rosalie.

Keeping my eyes drawn away, I shuffled up to a sit.

"Do you miss her, Edward?" I couldn't look at him. "Be honest."

He blinked down at his fingers, which lay dead on the armrest. "Sure."

"What kind of answer is that?"

His eyes snapped to my direction, and they were blank before focusing on my face. "Yeah, I miss her."

Some invisible pressure started to crush down on me, and I realized that I was hurt.

Perhaps I'd wanted him to say no.

I was momentarily bewildered at the intensity of my jealousy, and I lifelessly hugged my legs to my chest and rested my cheek on my knees.

"She always kept me at bay." He briefly grinned at a memory within him. "But I think she was more lost than I was."

I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. "What exactly happened to her?"

He shrugged, face blank. "It really was just another car accident."

But it had been the accident that took away the person he loved.

And the ghost of a smile on his mouth and the sad but sentimental gleam in his eyes said it all. The girl was still important, and she would always be.

And wherever Edward ran to, she would always be with him – as a part of him.

I only then realized that tears were quickly gathering in my eyes, and I hurriedly hid my face in my arms.

I felt like an idiot, because it wasn't simple jealousy anymore. At this point, I was feeling sorry for myself for letting myself fall, hard, for this horribly broken person, and feeling sorry for him for not falling back.

"If I let it all go…"

Startled, I glimpsed up.

"Would the new that takes its place also be the better?" He was watching me now. "Bella?"

"_There's no such thing as letting someone go. That's a lie. One of us just doesn't care as much as the other does."_

He was actually right about it all, and not just about us two – but also about him and her.

"I was selfish," were the words that left my mouth, the underlying apology uncensored but somewhat holding the truth. I hid my face in my arms again. "You shouldn't let go, Edward, because it wouldn't be fair for her. If she's that special to you, then the only way you can still have the connection to her is –" I stopped myself and sniffled. "You shouldn't do that. I shouldn't have asked for it."

"Bella."

"You protect Rosalie." I lowered my arms as I pathetically wiped off a tear that finally rolled down my face. When I looked at him, I was desperate for him to understand something I didn't yet understand myself. "I'll protect you."

And the next thing I knew, his hand was reaching for me, until it was merely a hairsbreadth away. I could feel the warmth of his skin, and longed for it to touch me.

But I angled away from him, because I knew I couldn't face him any longer, not with me crying like the stupid girl I was.

I silently stared out the giant window on the other side of the room and the sheer curtain that framed it. Through my teary eyes, my backyard looked blurred and foggy.

"Why do you even bother to be with me?"

He had asked the same question before, but this time, the words held a different shade of meaning.

I blinked away at the tears. "That's what I've been asking myself all along."

"Sorry." From behind me, he put his bandaged arm around my shoulders before roughly pulling my entire torso to his chest. "For everything." Chin on my shoulder, he held me firmly in place. "I really am."

And I held onto his arm; it was no longer in attempt to keep him with me – I was just really, really scared that I wasn't grounded to myself anymore.

"You need nothing from me but always give everything," he said.

"No, you idiot," I said, but it didn't sound as biting as I wanted. As I looked down to my crossed legs, more tears dripped down my cheeks. "You're just giving it all up, because you're tired of fighting."

I thought I saw his sad smirk from the corner of my eyes.

There really was no way I could ever be prepared for him, was there?

"I hate this," I whispered.

Because the sadness that had always shadowed him will inevitably continue to shadow him.

I was finally beginning to understand what he wanted me to do: to accept him and his worth.

"Can't we just say this is enough, Bella?" His grip on me tightened. "That the fact that I'm here with you and not her is enough?"

Then I crumbled and buried my face into my hands.

"I thought you said you weren't going to hold back." I let out a distorted sob, shoulders quaking. "You promised. You promised you weren't going to hurt me."

Silence, except for my cries.

"Sorry," he whispered again.

He turned me over and let me cling onto him.

My arms tightened around his neck, and he brought me closer. "I feel like I'm losing you, Edward."

I was sure he meant to be cutting, but what came out of his mouth was tired – defeated.

"But Bella," he said in a sigh, "where else am I going to go?"

* * *

><p>It was months ago that I came to terms with the fact that Edward Cullen had the knack for twisting me in all kinds of directions, spinning me until I had no idea of even the things I already knew.<p>

Now, I was coming to terms with another one: he also was the person who brought me back the rawness of emotion, both good and bad, and allowed me feel immensely happy one moment and overwhelmingly sad the another.

I closed my history textbook, finally having finished reading the thirty pages about the Jacksonian Presidency, as I began to underline the key points on my notebook with my red pen.

I had to suppress a smile as his hand casually latched onto my thigh and as his head fell to my shoulder.

Twisting my body so he could be more comfortable on my neck, I lightly ran my fingertips up and down his back.

Within five minutes, he was fast asleep.

After all he'd said and what I'd said, I could only hope that his habit of holding onto Rosalie would stay as merely that, and not change into a kind of awful obsession. Memories were memories, and they were beautiful because they were treasured as exactly that – memories.

I prayed to God that I'd never face the day where I would have to break that reality to him.

And I was unraveling. No longer was I able to decide on how I felt about him, because my feelings for him were, apparently, much deeper than I initially thought.

And the mystery prevailed: how did _he _truly feel about me?

I would always have to wonder if his heart skipped a beat or if he got butterflies in his stomach at the mention of my name, because I would always react that way at the mention of his. I would always have to wonder if he felt the urge to follow me whenever I walked past him, because I would always feel it whenever he strode by me in the school hallway.

I would always have to keep in mind of the possibility that I might be just fooling myself with all this and that I might be just another girl he was kind of interested in.

I would never know if he ever cried over me, like I'd cried over him.

But there were two certain things I could make out in all this mess.

One, I would never, ever find another person like him.

I patted his back, gently and slowly, and scrutinized his long lashes and snowy skin.

_If only I could be his perfect girl._

Two, despite his ways and the chaos he had brought into my life, he was the exact kind of person I needed now. Strangely enough, he seemed to need me too.

I hadn't even realized I was crying again until a tear rolled down my face.

God, I felt so weak.

But as overwhelmed as I was, I realized that sometimes, these same tears made the best instrument on putting forth the truth.

I still wasn't sure if the clogged up feeling inside me would ever go away. I wasn't sure if anything would even change in the end of it all, but now I finally understood the depth of my feelings and how much this beautiful, broken-hearted boy with such green, green eyes meant to me.

* * *

><p>I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes again, the room was dark, and I was alone.<p>

Squinting in the darkness, I blindly peeled the wool blanket off my body and stretched over to turn on a lamp.

On the coffee table were all my books and pens I'd used, and on the topmost page of my notebook was a note in Edward's cursive handwriting:

_You're probably the girl I would ask Santa Claus if I know myself enough to know what to ask for. But then again, I'm probably on the naughty list._

_I'll call you before midnight._

_Oh, and I ate all your cinnamon buns. Hope you don't mind._

Running my fingers over the ink, I smiled to myself. At this point, nothing really mattered but Edward Cullen.

* * *

><p>Later that night, as I did the dishes, my heart almost stopped –<p>

Because it was only then that I noticed that something was drawn on the soft flesh between my forefinger and my thumb of my right hand.

I stared at it for a whole ten minutes, so stunned that I didn't even realize that I had the water running.

Edward must have drawn it while I was asleep. It had to be.

It was a small heart. Painted and traced in the color red.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> Hey, guys – guess what? I'm turning eighteen tomorrow :) !

What's more important, though: **_Thanks for breaking 100 reviews!_**

Please leave me another!

Sarah


	19. Chapter 18

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

* * *

><p>"Bella," Edward sang my name over the phone.<p>

"What?" I sang back, smiling so widely and not being able to help myself.

"Come out and play with me?"

I sighed, briefly looking over my shoulder and checking the clock over the Christmas tree. "You should have stayed here with me."

"You fell asleep." He also sighed and then groaned as if he was stretching his back. "Didn't want to bother you."

"Still." I nibbled on my bottom lip as I subconsciously traced the little, pretty heart on my hand.

"Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

My body tensed up. "Did I say something?"

_Say no, say no, say no…_

"Yeah," he breathed.

I hung my head. "Of course I did. What did I say?"

He snickered. "Nothing much."

"You don't have to save me from the embarrassment," I admitted, lips curling into a small but worried smile. "My mom told me I say the most random things for years now."

"Huh. Now that's disappointing."

"Come on." I laughed. "Did I even say something?"

"Yeah. You said my name."

I faltered, and my face was suddenly in flames.

Of course. Yet another thing between us that was unfair.

"I feel like you know me better than I know you," I told him quietly, my eyes closing in light defeat and my body relaxing. "I wonder why sometimes, you know, because I make it all too easy for you, don't I? I wish it were easy for me too."

There was a long pause.

I hummed and curled my legs up in a ball on the sofa, the same leather sofa in which he and I were intimate just several hours ago. Blushing at the memory, I ran a hand on the fabric. My gaze was trained longingly on the Christmas candle and the light as it flickered, and I waited as my heart counted the seconds.

"I miss you," I finally whispered.

He hesitated – another long pause. And then there was shuffling.

"Hello?" I sat up, alert. "Edward, you there?"

"You're still alone, right?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"Good. Be ready in ten," he answered, voice distant as if he had me on speaker. "I'm taking you out."

"What?" For a moment, I looked down my homey clothes and scowled. "Um, I'm not exactly in the shape to go anywhere right now."

"It's Christmas, and we only have about…" More ruffling. "… four more hours to enjoy it. I'd like to spend that time with my girlfriend, unless you don't want to. With me."

I could hear the cool grin in his voice, and I resisted to give back a snarky response.

After all, when did I ever not want to be with him?

* * *

><p>Edward was dressed clean and crisp, donned in jeans, a navy pea coat, and underneath, a burgundy dress shirt.<p>

It should be illegal to look so good, and that flirtatious smirk was doing crazy, crazy things to me.

As I neared him, his lips twitched into a softer lazy smile.

"What?" I pressed, as he opened the door and let me slip into his heated-up car.

Self-conscious, I watched him circle the front of his car and also slide in his seat. He kept the engine running as he positioned his body so it was facing me; he smiled a lot, and did a lot of looking – checking me out, I guessed – and at one point, he even leaned back a little to get a better view.

I kept my eyebrow raised.

He smirked and changed the gear. "Nothing. You just look like a Christmas angel."

Taken aback, I glimpsed down at my clothes: a little black dress I rarely wore, matched with black stockings, black shoes, and creamy-white coat that came down to my waist.

I nervously ran a hand down my bedraggled hair, fleetingly wishing I'd had more time to look pretty for him on the date.

"You look pretty."

I looked up.

He was grinning. "Thanks for dressing up for me so last-minute. It means a lot."

And then the fact that I hadn't gotten the chance to iron my hair or put on some make-up didn't matter anymore.

I stuck my nose into the collar of my coat in an attempt to hide my pleased smile. "You too."

* * *

><p>At Christmastime, almost nine o'clock at night, even a small town like Port Angeles was beautiful. Everywhere, lit-up Christmas trees and the quiet tune of Christmas carols greeted both Edward and me, and the fact that the streets were almost completely empty if it weren't for the two of us made our being there all the more exhilarating. It was like a fairytale village, all there just for he and I to enjoy.<p>

Too stunned at the enchanting sight before me, I slightly stumbled as Edward wrapped an arm around my waist and led me forward down the other street.

"Where are we headed?" I asked.

But he only smirked and glimpsed down at his watch. "You'll see. We have to be fast, though, if we don't want to miss it."

After taking a few more hurried turns and ducking through the alleys and boulevards, we found ourselves standing by the town's shopping mall, which looked like it was closed for the holidays.

I looked up at Edward in confusion, but his continued confidence confirmed me that whatever he had planned for me had nothing to do with the mall.

Slightly out of breath, I plopped down on the edge of the marble water fountain and studied my surroundings. I saw the woods, and the said shopping mall, all dark and quiet.

Edward, with his eyes firmly planted on me, helped me back up and set my feet on the ledge of the fountain so I was standing there instead. Soon, we were both standing on the ledge, staring straight out into the dark woods and greeting the skyline at eye-level.

"So now what?" I said, amused.

With a forefinger up in front of him, he was staring at his watch again. "Ten. Nine. Eight."

A countdown?

I frantically looked around me but couldn't see anything that was bound to happen.

"Seven," he continued, however, smile widening with each word. "Six. Five.

"Four.

"Three.

"Two.

"One –"

And then the world around me turned into Christmas.

All of it – the woods as well as the fountain – was suddenly lit up with golden bulbs of light.

I stayed frozen, eyes fully open. My vision was even slightly blurry at first, startled by the sudden glow.

"Surprise?" Edward said boyishly, hopping down and gesturing at our surroundings like a magician. His cheeky grin was too adorable.

I was still speechless as my eyes finally managed to move away from the trees and onto the face of the smiling boy in front of me.

He was too cute for his own good. With his hair all mussed up from the wind. With his cheeks and ears all pink from the cold. With the way he was beaming at me.

I also hopped down and stepped forward as I innocently brushed my lips to his cheek.

It was his turn to look speechless, eyes glazing over and mouth tilting up to a crooked smile.

Sighing, I drew away from him. "Now I feel like I'm in a romantic movie."

He arched an eyebrow as he grabbed a hold of my neck.

"Not yet," he murmured before pulling me back and kissing me fiercely on the mouth.

He tugged my arm, maneuvering me so I had no choice but to plant my hands on his chest and keel forward, as he held my hips firmly in place. My hands braced on his chest, I felt him kiss me softly and sweetly, but mere minutes later, our kissing turned hot, sloppy, and loud altogether.

It seemed to be that neither of us really cared, though, even as we panted away; no one was watching anyway. His hands ran over my back, and he latched himself onto my neck, where he sucked hard and made me whimper. He groaned and slowed the kiss, his hands moving up into my hair.

One kiss beneath my ear later, he held my hand and kissed the fading red heart there.

I stared in awe, and my hand was slightly quivering in anxiety.

And all the while he kissed me there, he was looking straight at me and nodding the slightest bit, and the way the golden lights danced in his smiling eyes made me realize how grateful I was that it was he who I had fallen for.

* * *

><p>"Every night, from nine to nine thirty, from the first of December to Christmas day," Edward explained as we made our way back to the main streets. "It's a tradition there."<p>

"So that means we just caught the last one for this year, right?" I asked, excited.

His eyes danced around my face, as if searching something, finding it, and liking it, before his lips molded into a grin. "Basically."

I watched, mesmerized, as he began to swing our joined hands together, back and forth, back and forth, and we slowed from a skittish trot to an easy stroll.

Edward knew Port Angeles like the back of his hand. He knew which stores and eateries were closed throughout the holidays and which were not, and where he took me for late dinner was somewhere I'd not expected and but should have.

"The deli?" I teased as the doorbell tinkled above us.

Neither of us had anything in mind, and so we ordered all kinds of things on the menu – except ones with carrots – before taking our food outside.

We ate quietly for a while, as was expected with his eating style.

But something was different, and that something was there between us. Something that wasn't there before.

No, maybe it had been there, just not as obvious.

"It's a great night," I told him at one point. "Thanks."

"I just had to see you again before tonight ended." He smiled at the table before us, as if shy, before leaning back against the chair. "I missed you too."

I dabbed my mouth with a napkin in an attempt to hide my stupid grin. I wished there was a way to let him know that his words were so powerful to me and that right now, they made me warm.

But his eyes crinkled, and it was if he knew.

With dinner eaten, we shared our dessert, the Christmas-themed donuts.

I felt so giddy feeding him, that I scrunched my nose and giggled as I wiped off the sugar powder that had gotten of his cheek.

His eyes were on me, then, and it was like that barbecue night all over again. Intense, but mellow.

"I'm telling you, Bella; you really look like an angel."

I laughed aloud then, my breath fanning out in white in front of me, as I reassessed myself again. In my eyes, I looked like my usual self, just a tad dressed up.

"If you say so," I said, shrugging.

Then he surprised me by placing the last, uneaten ring donut and putting it above my head like a halo.

"See?" he said, voice soft, and cocked his head to the side. "First time in years that it feels like it's Christmas, and all because of you."

My throat closed up, and all I could do was reach for his hand. I could only hope that the warmth he had given me this night would reach him as well.

* * *

><p>Edward had invited me to his house again, to stay for a while.<p>

And for the first time, I genuinely hesitated, but not because of my curfew.

Strangely, I just felt that there was a huge possibility that, in this mood, we would go all the way tonight.

My heart galloped the entire time we were on the road back to Forks; his hand had been running up and down my thigh and building up this feeling of anticipation between us.

When we made eye-contact, it was all the more obvious. He wanted to do it. Really, really wanted to do it.

I felt as though I could breathe again only when we made a quick stop by Forks's only gas station.

"If only gas prices could also go on Christmas sale…" Edward mumbled half-seriously and half-jokingly.

The moment he slipped out of the car, I let out a sigh of relief and rolled all four windows down.

As I passively watched the number of gallons go up on the board, I began to think.

This physical attraction between us was getting more undeniable by the minute, and I could easily see it getting out of hand.

I wanted more than anything to give it up to him. But did I want it to be tonight?

Flashes of his body and mine, tangled, along with past moments of our heavy breaths and moans crossed my mind, and I squeezed my hands together.

My face felt hot, as I imagined how it would feel to be naked in his sheets, in his dark room. How it would feel to have his bare body rubbing against mine. How it would feel to hear him enjoying himself, his sounds right in my ear. How it would feel to have him… inside me.

Edward gently pinched my cheek, pulling me out of the daze.

"I'll be right back," he said as he jabbed a thumb at the cash register.

Swallowing, I nodded. His hand lingered on my face for a beat longer than necessary, causing me to get butterflies in my stomach, before he jogged off.

I sighed in defeat. What will happen will happen.

Emptying my mind, I rested my arm and chin on the opened window and waited.

I didn't intend it, but that was when I caught a glimpse of Edward's wallet for the first time as he opened it. Even at a glance, I could see the stacks of cash; it was packed.

For a second, my mind ran off the different thoughts – about what Carlisle had said about how Edward got around living alone. I also wondered about the Masens in Illinois, as well as Edward Masen, Sr. who was allegedly in Seattle…

"Ready to go?" Edward said as he neared me and the car again.

I smiled. "Sure."

"Edward? Isabella?"

We both turned to the lane beside us to see a young, mousy-looking girl, dressed up in colors red and green.

She seemed intimidated initially, but still approached us, smiling broadly, as if she was relieved, and flashing us her braces.

"Thank God!" She happily bobbed her head up and down at us both. "I was so worried because I couldn't find you two anywhere at the bash."

Lost, I glimpsed up at Edward and back down at the girl. I only then recognized what she was referring to – the Student Council sponsored Christmas bash that probably already happened several hours ago in the school gym.

"Oh, we didn't go," I responded, hesitant.

She blinked. "But you guys were supposed to be there. Free tickets with an invitation and everything."

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"You two are voted as the best-looking couple of this school year, and the Yearbook Staff was supposed to get photos of you two earlier this evening – oh, and get the interview done," she said cheerfully. Her face fell as she studied our blank expressions. "Wow, you two really didn't know? I thought Alice told you, Edward?"

Astonished, I peered up at Edward; his face was blank.

"Well, I guess not," I answered anyway, shrugging as nonchalantly as possible.

But inside, I was unraveling. Alice Hale?

"Well, at least we're here now!" the girl exclaimed, clapping her hands and her posture going formal. "So hello, Mr. Edward Cullen and Ms. Isabella Swan. My name is Angela Weber, and I am the FHS Yearbook Club's Photographer for the Social Life section. Congratulations! You two are voted as the best-looking couple of this school year!" Her eyes widened suddenly, and she dashed back to her car and returned to us with an expensive-looking camera in her hands and a school press pass around her neck. Angela Weber held up her camera and smiled again. "On the behalf of the rest of the crew, I gotta take some photos of you two. Now, if that's okay? Mr. Johnston – the Yearbook sponsor – was pretty angry that you guys made a no-show, and the deadline for the yearbook is in two weeks."

"Next time."

It was Edward.

Stunned, I watched as he got in the car – slamming the door shut – and started it. He wasn't even giving the girl a glance.

Angela's face fell again.

"What's wrong?" I whispered to him, shaken by his sudden coldness. Anxiously, I glanced up at Angela and smiled politely at her. "Hey, I don't think tonight's a good night, Angela. Can we do it – oh, tomorrow at the carnival? That's okay, right?"

"I suppose so…" she trailed off, frowning slightly and scratching her head.

I barely managed to wave a goodbye to the poor underclassman because Edward sped up and drove by her in a whoosh.

"What was that about?" I asked, part of me angry. "That was rude."

Edward roughly rounded the corner.

I waited for his response, because something about what just happened – especially with the mention of Alice Hale's name – really bugged me, until I relented.

"Fine, don't tell me," I said as I turned away from him, but he placed a hand on my thigh.

"I told them we weren't going to be there tonight," he said quietly, eyes glued on the road. "I guess I'm just annoyed that they still expected us. Does that make sense?"

It didn't, but I didn't tell him that.

I was confused as to why he kept all of this to himself, and wondered if he planned to keep it that way if we'd never come across Angela. And even now, I knew for a fact that there was something more to this than what he was letting me know.

But the forbidding ambiance he exuded kept my mouth shut for the rest of the drive to his house, and I hoped I was making the right decision by letting this be.

* * *

><p>Seated in the partial dimness in his home, we loosened up after a few beers.<p>

Inevitably, what happened at the gas station still irked me, but being tucked into his side and smelling him – his skin and hair – I didn't have it in me to ask again – especially when he had basically already answered me – and have him grow distant again.

"I wish I had gotten a present for you," I said honestly as I watched the clock tick away. Thirty more minutes left till it was the twenty-sixth.

"You've already done so much."

He then rose from his seat, walking over to the fireplace.

I craned my neck, curious, and then I saw him staring at the family portraits sitting on top of it.

Quietly, I joined him at his side and inspected the photos too.

My stomach plummeted in sadness as he slid the portrait of his younger self closer to the portrait of Edward Masen, Sr.

Something about the gesture broke my heart.

"You were a cute baby," I said lightheartedly instead, my heart warming when I successfully made him laugh.

He cracked a toothy grin and shot me a short look before scrutinizing the portraits again. "Now I think of it, all my childhood Christmases were spent dwelling on Santa Claus."

I thought about that. "But isn't it like that for all kids?"

"True." Slowly, his eyebrows knitted together. "But I think for me, there was something about depending on a fictional figure that was especially attractive." He shrugged. "I've always known he wasn't real."

With those words, I felt a huge understanding dawn on me.

Edward Cullen, inside, was still a little child.

And along with that understanding came another one; my house was well-decorated with a Christmas tree and small pieces of holiday furniture here and there, but at Edward's, it was empty as always except for the small Christmas glass jar, inside it lit up with artificial light that constantly blinked by fading in and fading away.

_First time in years that it feels like it's Christmas, and all because of you._

How could I have missed it? That Edward had probably spent the last many years and Christmases alone?

"Maybe I thought that it was okay to depend on someone as long as he wasn't real," he went on, voice cool and casual. "Actually, I don't really know, but that makes the most sense."

Silently, I gripped his hand and squeezed it.

Although his face and eyes made no sign of acknowledging the gesture, he still squeezed my hand in return.

"I'm going to miss this Christmas," he said, face turning slightly playful in the moment as he messed up my hair.

We both stole a glimpse at the clock, and it was fifteen till.

Softly but steadily, I pulled him by the hand so we were back on the sofas.

He was smirking, in somewhat of a shy way, at the ground as I sat him down calmly. His lazy gaze encouraged me as I straddled him and clamped my arms around his neck.

"I know I'm no Santa Claus," I began, our eyes connecting and making my heart burst all over again. My fingers on the nape of his neck were fidgety. "But I wish I could be something for you."

He nuzzled against my nose and inhaled. "I told you. An angel."

I grinned, pleased, as my eyelids fluttered. "So I'm going to take all of that sadness away tonight, okay? Because what's important is that right now, you're not alone. Because I'm here."

It was all so cliché and atypical of me to say these things, but knowing what I could achieve by being with him right now and realizing that he needed me was enough of a reason.

I nervously removed his pea coat, and then undid his shirt buttons with hands that were shivering so noticeably that he had to take over midway. And then came off his shirt.

In the moment our lips collided, he lunged on top of me, swiftly stripping me as well and slipping my dress off my shoulders.

And we kissed the night away, and I didn't think he even cared that by the time we parted, it was past midnight and Christmas was far, far gone.

"You're really sexy," he murmured, a mischievous grin spreading on his lips, and squeezed both of my thighs.

I looked up, only then finding out that he was watching me. His gaze lingered on my mouth, and trailed down to where my dress was pushed off me so wantonly, showing just a hint of my breasts.

He leaned down, all the while hovering above me, and slid his hands up my waist below the skirt so he could tug down my stockings and underwear.

"Can I have this, Bella?" he whispered in my ear.

My legs were locked around his waist already, and it would only make sense that we took the next step…

Still, my breaths turned frantic. "Um, I – I –"

He relocated his hands so they were chastely on my waist, and he snickered in my ear. "Not gonna force you."

I blushed, feeling stupid. "Sorry."

"I hope it's still just a matter of time."

I grinned up at him, eyeing him because I couldn't believe he really said that but also enjoying the fact that he wanted me so much.

"We can still make out, right?" he asked, smirking.

He didn't even wait for my answer and dove right in.

In the end, we got carried away and ended up halfway: both of us feverishly grinding on each other, but this time completely naked and bare.

Finally coming down from my high, I leaned my face and hands against his sweaty chest and breathed heavily.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

I only nodded, dazed.

Then he bit my bottom lip and pulled it.

I returned the favor, and felt his lips lift into a smile.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> I'm sure everyone's enjoying the Thanksgiving weekend! Oh, and has everyone watched Breaking Dawn Part 2? Pretty sick, wasn't it?

Sarah


	20. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER NINETEEN**

* * *

><p>"Edward. Wake up."<p>

"Mm?"

I softly fell on the edge of his futon and patted his head and back. Wow, his hair was really growing back. "You have to get up."

All drowsy and disoriented, he tossed a look over his shoulder and squinted his eyes at me.

"Bella?" he mumbled confusedly.

I laughed. "Hi."

Letting out a low husky laugh, he grunted and returned to nuzzling into his pillow.

"Is that a challenge?" I teased before turning up the volume of the radio on his bedside drawer.

But he tucked his pillow closer around his ears. I was, too, relentless, as I tugged hard on his sheets. He still resisted, curling his body inward.

"Come on, Edward. I mean it." I gave him another back rub, to which he purred. "The entire volleyball crew's waiting for you."

"Tell them I'm in Chicago."

"They already know you didn't fly out, and the carnival's going to start in thirty minutes." This time, I slapped a hand on his naked shoulder. "Get up, get up, get up, get up, get – EEK!"

The next thing I knew, he had his arm screwed around my neck in a headlock, forcing me to awkwardly lie next to him. He groaned sleepily, breathing largely in and out through his nose.

This afternoon, Forks High was hosting a Winter Carnival in the community. Families all over town were invited to come over to enjoy the games and the food, and by doing this, clubs and organizations in our school successfully raised money. It was allegedly the biggest fundraiser of the year.

The volleyball team, of course, had their own game booth, and the members somehow managed to hunt me down at the Student Council's balloon pop booth – I wasn't even a member of the Student Council, but Jessica literally forced me to sign up during the Winter Retreat – and presented me with an impossible mission: wake Edward Cullen up and bring him over.

I brought up my wristwatch to my eyes. "We're so late."

His lips were at the nape of my neck, sucking. "More reason to take our time."

"Fine. Five minutes."

"Five?" Edward dove into a commanding but sweet kiss, his forearms barring both sides of my head, and began to laugh in a raucous manner that made my body tingle. "Just five, Bella?"

"Edward," I laughed, twisting. "Okay, okay! Ten!"

If anything, his lips started to move more fervently against my neck, and my knowledge that he was shirtless and just in his boxers did not help my resolve.

Closing my eyes, I combed a hand through his hair and bunched it up in my fist. I flipped our bodies around so that I was sitting on his stomach.

And then I narrowed my eyes at what I saw: his bloodshot eyes and the lightly perceptible bruises under them.

"When did you go to sleep?" I asked him.

He blinked his heavy eyes. "Don't know. Couple of hours after I drove you back home?" He hid his face behind his arm and didn't speak for a long time. "Grandpa called."

My posture slacked, and my eyes softened. The Masens?

"Is that a bad thing?" I hedged quietly.

He snickered. "Pretty much."

"Are you in trouble? For not going?"

"Big trouble."

"You should have gone."

"Nah." He sat up and rested his back against the wall, rubbing his eyes and looking completely out of it. "I don't really want to talk about it right now."

I framed his face with my hands and gave him a little peck on the mouth. He tried to deepen it, but I pushed him away; he was grinning as if he expected that from me.

I threw him a shirt. "Seriously. Time to get dressed."

"You're no fun." He stretched out his arms wide, wearing an endearing smile, as if he was waiting for me to jump into his arms already. "We could just stay here all day. Order pizza. Watch movies. Sleep. I have ice cream too – in the fridge somewhere."

"Tempting," I teased, "but duty calls."

"But what's the point?" Running a hand in his already wild hair, he finally but reluctantly crawled out – quite literally rolling off the sheets. "I'm a senior. Why bother raise money for next year when I'm not even going to be here?"

My mind suddenly numbed, and I stared at him, whose back was turned to me, as he pulled on a pair of washed jeans.

Why had that thought never crossed me till now?

"Yeah," I said in a murmur before raising my voice back to its normal volume. "But you're still officially the captain for the rest of this year."

"By default."

He dug through a pile of clothes by his desk and quickly changed into one of his more worn-out hoodies; it was a bit small on him and clung onto his flat stomach.

I kept staring, zoning out, at his bony wrists and how they tugged on the hood.

_Next year. Forks. No Edward._

I shook my head to clear it and smiled up at him. "You should lock the front door, by the way. You're basically asking the burglars to break in."

He shrugged and dawdled into his bathroom.

With him out of sight, I continued to sit lifelessly on his futon, trying very hard to push away the unwelcomed thought and desperately looking for a distraction.

_Next year. Forks. No Edward._

I began to fold his mound of clothes and dirty laundry that were strewn around the room, pacing and parading around each corner as I did.

_New year. Forks. No Edward._

I was in the process of folding up his gym shorts when his cell phone buzzed on the top of his drawers.

"Hey, Edward," I called out, "someone's calling."

Edward popped his head through the door and narrowed his eyes at the small device.

"Just ignore it," he said as he disappeared again.

The phone kept blinking and buzzing.

I bit my lip. "You sure?"

"Yep."

But curious, I tiptoed over and glimpsed at it just before the vibration stopped and the screen turned off.

_Caller ID: Donald Masen_

I was pretty sure my heart skipped a beat, and not in a good way.

"Stop that and look at me."

I felt as if all blood had drained from my face as I twisted to see Edward, all groomed and freshly shaved.

I gulped. "I –"

He dropped to the futon. "Folding clothes can't be that much fun."

My heart pumped in relief. "Nope."

"We still have three minutes…" He hesitated and gave me a toothy grin, his strong hands bringing me toward him by my lower back. "Wanna make out with me?"

"You –" I sighed dreamily. "Only you, Edward."

"I'm going to take these –" he touched my jacket and scarf "– off, okay?"

Then as promised, my boyfriend spent the next three minutes nibbling on my lip, massaging my thigh, and feeling me up.

He undressed himself from the waist up.

"This whole getting ready thing isn't very productive," I muttered before he shut me up in another kiss.

But I wasn't about to stop him. My palms roamed up and down his chest, and I held him close, giving it all up, and relished the feeling as his arms circled me. I kept my lips parted, and when our tongues met, he let out a heady groan into my mouth that made me dizzy. I smiled as he brought my chin closer; I wanted him to know that he was in control and that he made me feel good.

I arched into him, and his lips slowly slid down to my neck and finally my cleavage.

"Mm," he moaned breathily.

His hands, cupping and rubbing my breasts, felt so, so good.

And then they were replaced by his mouth, momentarily shocking the heck out of me.

When his middle finger purposefully stroked against my nipple, I squeaked and kind of went still. He chuckled, clearly enjoying my funny reactions.

"Want you so bad," he rasped, each breath hitting the spots he licked.

"Mm." The licks were beginning to feel really good. Too good, especially when his hand found the zipper of my jeans. Oh, no. "Hey, we gotta stop."

"Why?"

"I'm serious."

He broke off then, although his hovering fingers were flexing around my crotch area as if they were aching to touch it.

"You… you don't have to do that today," I explained.

"Maybe I want to." With a heavy inhale, he kissed me fully and this time slid his hands over the curve of my butt. "Did you think about that?"

My heart was drumming away. "No, really, we can't – I mean – I – it's been way more than three minutes too –"

He was completely, utterly ignoring me, dragging his teeth across my bottom lip. And – Jesus, he was pretty desperate to touch me down there, wasn't he?

"I – I –" With the last of my resolve, I pushed him away by the chest. "I'm on my period this morning."

His ministrations stopped, although his body was seemingly trembling – vibrating – as we stared each other down. It was almost scary because his face was inscrutable. I was almost sure he would break out into laughter, but he didn't.

But he did raise an eyebrow.

"No wonder your breasts are extra firm today." He cocked his head to the side. "And big."

He was shamelessly inspecting my breasts by now, and I couldn't help but give him a dirty look.

As if he'd noticed this, his dark eyes settled back on my face. "What if I told you I don't mind?"

"What?"

"Okay, fine, got you," he answered for me, snickering loudly.

Then in a moment of courage, I slid a hand up his upper thigh and stroked his stomach and the flexing muscles there. One of my arms tightened around his neck as I briefly swept my lips on his chest; I perched myself on the edge of the futon, leaving him standing, and tentatively kissed downward…

I let out a squeak as he lurched onto me, my back suddenly on the cushions again.

He narrowed his eyes, playful. "Now what are _you _trying to do?"

"What?" I said breathlessly. "I thought you didn't mind."

"I don't. But you do."

"Well." I blushed a little. "I just thought we could still try… something… new."

He stood up and lent me hand, which I took. A smirk lifted one corner of his lips. "I doubt _you_ really want to."

"I want to," I whispered, and it would have come across to him as confident if I hadn't blushed.

"Really?"

I smiled shyly. "Really, really."

I had already been blushing before, but my face turned genuinely hot as he left kisses below my ear.

We were out of control.

Edward placed his forehead against mine, our breaths coarse and raunchy.

"Sorry." He closed his eyes. "Just can't seem to keep my hands off you after last night."

Without much trouble, he dragged my body toward him by the thighs and wrapped my legs around his waist for me. I stayed still, waiting.

He thrust his hip once, roughly, and then just hovered over me after that.

I fingered his jaw. Waiting again.

Then with a low curse, he was on his elbows and gliding off me once more. After dressing up again, he found his letterman jacket and zipped himself up.

I followed him down the stairs beside him, feelings oddly unsure, as I ran a hand up and down his arm.

He seemed… tense.

"This isn't enough for you, is it?" I asked quietly.

"Nope." He paused when I linked an arm around his. "You?"

I had to think about that, and finally, I sheepishly shook my head.

At that, he went still, facing me and kissing me passionately.

"What was that?" I said in wonder, when we had the distance between our lips again.

"Bella." He had his eyes closed. "One of these days, I don't think I'll be able to stop. I _won't_ stop."

Then his eyes slowly cracked open, as if he was fearful of my reaction.

"What if I told you I don't mind?" I repeated his earlier words.

And then a mischievous grin lit up his face, and it was obvious that he really, really liked my answer.

* * *

><p>I got to admit; the blue and yellow were growing on me.<p>

The ceiling was adorned with drooping fabric sheets of different shades of yellow and blue, so bright that they almost hurt my eyes. Surrounding me were also winter-themed objects, like the snowman, snowflakes, skates…

Peeking over my textbook, I saw children of all age run by, bumping into adults in their haste and giggling as they pointed at each others' goofy face-painting. Loud music sounded through the ginormous speakers right beside me, and it was starting to make me feel slightly nauseated.

"If you're here, the least you can do is help," snapped a brusque voice.

Lauren, of course. So I smiled widely, made a small apology, and volunteered to take care of the ticket box. Jessica Stanley was not going to see the end of this.

"Each set of ten darts is fifty cents, or two tickets, whatever," Lauren reminded me before skipping off to the football booth next to ours and beginning to flirt with a couple of junior varsity boys.

Bored, I fumbled with the money, and the little kids, one by one, began to pay me. I watched with mild amusement as they threw darts at the balloons hanging off the cracks of the bleachers.

And I tried, in vain, to ignore a tall figure stalking up to me, a large bag of potato chips in his arms.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Lauren return, which made me smirk to myself.

"Hi you," Edward said nonchalantly, as I scooted a little so we could share the seat.

"Hi you," I echoed smilingly.

He let out a huge sigh, slumping and placing his cheek on my shoulder. "Do you know when your lunch break starts?"

I looked over at Lauren, and she barked back, "In an hour."

"Well, I'm gonna start heading out now." He popped some chips in his mouth and chewed meticulously. "Can I have Bella early?"

She actually hesitated. "She's got to finish her shift first. She volunteered to be here."

"Under peer pressure," I muttered, momentarily distracted as I looked around me and wondered where Jessica was.

"Oh." Edward's posture and face relaxed. "All right."

I stole a portion of his chips, and he stared at my mouth, wetting his own lips with his tongue, when I licked my fingers clean.

"What?" I said, self-conscious.

He shook his head and shrugged, sucking his own fingers clean.

I nudged him on the rib.

"I'm starving," he mumbled.

I smirked. "Go get something to eat."

"Not without you."

"I had late breakfast. I'm good."

He began to play around with the darts sprawled across our booth table.

After a second – "Hey, Lauren, can I give it a shot?"

My ears perked, and I angled a different way so I could see Lauren's face. From my side, Edward pulled out two tickets from his pocket.

She rolled her eyes. "Sure, since you're paying."

Hogging ten darts from the table, Edward stood and trudged toward the fifteen-feet line where he was supposed to stand behind. At the sudden approach of the big, tall high school boy, little kids stepped back, eyes wide and reverential. I choked out a laugh and raised an eyebrow at him, but his eyes just held a mysterious mischievous glint.

"So," he said, throwing one dart and easily popping the first balloon. "What happens if I make all ten clean?"

"You get the grand prize," Lauren answered.

"Really?"

"Of course. Do I look like a fraud to you? You can get some other prize if you don't want the big one."

"Really?"

"Yes," she said really slowly in a deadpan. "Whatever you want."

"Whatever I want?" He grinned and popped the second. "Excellent."

And… well, he probably had really great hand-eye-coordination in general, because he was hitting each and every balloon with every throw – not a single miss.

By the time he was throwing his eighth dart, people – both old and young – were gathering around our booth. What a way to publicize; all this school needed was its star volleyball player, it seemed.

Edward shot me a cocky grin, and I stuck out my tongue at him in response, nesting my chin on the palm of my hand.

Ninth balloon – POP!

Tenth – POP!

Of course.

Lingering kids started to exclaim and clap in awe.

His cheeky grin was directed right at me.

Smiling and rolling my eyes, I gave him a thumbs-up.

Lauren, who I hadn't noticed was gone, returned from what looked like the gym storage room, hauling out a ginormous teddy bear.

Edward's face twisted into a frown. "That's the grand prize?"

"It's a children's carnival," I pointed out with a laugh.

He shrugged and turned back toward Lauren, who was now huffing and placing the bear at his feet. "I can take something else, right?"

She shot the boy a death glare before rummaging through the prize box full of sundries.

"Perfect," she said sarcastically, hanging a volleyball keychain from her fingers.

"I see enough of that as it is." He himself dug through the box, but scowled. "Is this everything?"

Nodding yes, Lauren kept her lips clamped together. Oh, she was obviously annoyed.

"I guess there's no other choice then." Edward tucked both hands in his jean pockets and smiled angelically at the blonde girl in front of him. Then his eyes suddenly lodged onto my face. "Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You."

Lauren's face snapped toward my direction, her eyes glaring at me suddenly.

"Me?" I said dumbly.

"Yeah, you." His lips spread into a broad grin. "I'll take her, Madame President."

Lauren gawked. "This is complete bullshit."

"No, it isn't. Whatever I want," he simply said. "Right?"

Then she crossed her arms and fumed, and now it was my turn to gape at my boyfriend and his adorable face.

Edward started to walk backwards. "So are you gonna come or what?"

Unable to help myself, I crept away from the table, shooting Lauren an apologetic look; I didn't think she saw it, because she was too busy – angrily – collecting the darts from the floor.

"Sneaky," I muttered under my breath as he pushed the door open and the cold draft from outdoors enveloped me.

His sly smile was the only indication that he had heard me. "Lunch is going to be so much fun."

"So I'm worth fifty cents to you, huh?" I teased.

I began to laugh and shake my head, mostly in disbelief. Sometimes, I didn't know what to do with myself because I liked him too much.

* * *

><p>We both shivered as we stepped back into the warm gym.<p>

"Okay, now." I sighed, watching the Student Council booth from my peripheral view. "How am I supposed to go back to the booth?"

Edward tossed a French fry into his mouth. "You don't have to go back."

Oh, now I thought of it –

I widened my eyes, and so did he; our grin got bigger with each second.

"Heard what you did, Captain C.!"

At the unexpected sound, Edward and I turned, and then Emmett McCarty came running in our direction, roaring with laughter and punching his friend on the shoulder.

"You could have at least tried to look like you were having trouble with those darts. Show-off." Emmett wiggled his eyebrows. "Right, Bella?"

My response was stalled because I was beyond surprised that he was talking to me, much less acknowledging me; it had been sufficiently awkward the past few weeks – for obvious reasons – and we had basically stopped talking to each other.

So I was extremely relieved, and I happily nodded back; he gave me a withdrawn smile before looking away.

"How's basketball treating you?" I asked him quietly.

He blinked, as if surprised. "Um, good."

"Just good? Don't be so humble." I teased. He didn't seem to catch on. "You're Captain, right? Congratulations."

"Oh, how'd you know? Cool. Thanks." His eyes widened even more, and his lips tilted all the way up into the most enormous grin I'd ever seen. "But your boyfriend could easily beat my ass. It's good that he doesn't play during the winter season. Right, Ed?"

Edward's eyes lazily moved from my face to Emmett's. He didn't say anything.

"When's the first game?" I asked Emmett.

"Next week Saturday." He paused, and I didn't miss how his eyes flashed over to his friend. "Are you going to come watch?"

"Definitely." I beamed. "Charlie's a big fan, so I'll probably tag along that day."

Emmett scratched the back of his head and bowed like a gentleman. "I am honored."

"Now you better win," I teased back.

I was startled when something softly nudged my toes.

Edward's foot.

I looked at him in confusion, but he just stared at me for one quick but very intense moment before walking off without me.

* * *

><p>Edward's playful mood had dissipated, it seemed.<p>

And if I weren't so used to that detached lazy look of his, I would have been as terrified as Angela Weber was at this second.

I pressed my hand into his stomach to get his attention; his eyes flared down to mine, before looking off into space. He was definitely acting weird.

"Okay, Isabella –"

"Bella," I corrected politely.

The girl blushed. "Bella, sorry. Do you mind hugging your boyfriend? Like, as if you're hugging a tree? Yeah, like that."

Edward snickered in my ear. "Now I'm a tree?"

I was glancing up at him when the camera clicked away.

"We have great shots." Angela briefly scanned over the previews before raising the camera back to eye level. A moment later, she lowered it again. "Bella, can you get on Edward's shoulders? Edward, you can do that, right?"

He managed it wordlessly, and flustered because I was suddenly in the air, I grappled a bunch of his hair.

"Cute," Angela said, a smile in her voice.

After three more clicks of the camera, she was asking us questions by the trophy area of the gym.

I did most of the talking, because Edward wouldn't speak unless he was directly spoken to. Even then, however, he kept his answers short, and I had to occasionally slap off his distracted hands wandering on the trophies. It was glaringly obvious that he did not want to be here, and so I tried my very best to be enthusiastic for the both of us.

I wasn't sure what was bothering him.

"Bella, do you want to go to the ice rink tonight?" he asked me the moment we were private again.

I whirled around, incredulous at the complete change of tone in his voice. My mouth opened and closed – opened again and – "Do you have a multiple personality disorder?"

He blinked. "No."

"Then what's your problem?"

"I don't have one."

"Don't lie. Tell me."

He looked unapologetic.

My eyebrows rose, questioning.

"Maybe I'm jealous."

Jealous. Jealous?

I was speechless, and with the way he was calmly staring at me…

"Of what?" I finally sputtered, absolutely baffled.

"Whom," he clarified.

I scowled. "Of whom?"

"Emmett."

"Emmett?" What? "_Why_?"

Edward stepped closer so he was towering over me; I had to tilt my head upward. "He still likes you. You know that?"

The look in his eyes. "I wasn't leading him on," I said slowly. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you were." He started to head back into the gym without me. "You were flirting with him."

"I wasn't even –" I quickly followed, staring at him in disbelief. "I would have never taken you as the jealous type."

He shrugged, shoving his fists in his pockets.

I glared at him. "Jealous, really?"

His face turned serious all of a sudden. "Really."

I chuckled, but not out of amusement. I stopped out of the blue and blocked his path.

"But what exactly am I to you, Edward?" I asked aloud.

But I quickly dropped my eyes because I was terrified of what I might see and because I had no idea what made me say that.

"Never mind," I whispered, walking off. "Just – never mind."

* * *

><p>It was nearly four, and the carnival was over in a successful note.<p>

Edward had repeatedly attempted to capture my attention, but I didn't let him once. I guessed I was truly angry with him for the first time, although I couldn't put a finger on exactly what it was that was getting me riled up.

Maybe it was because I felt as if he was in control of everything between us, and I was finally really feeling it.

Like at this moment, for example, as he sidled up and started to walk backward beside me.

"Stop," I muttered as I began to rifle through my purse for my phone.

"What are you doing? Your truck's at my house. I'll drive you."

I looked up, phone now at my ear. "Charlie can pick me up."

He halted me from walking away, as he ran his hands down my arms all the way to the ends of my fingertips, letting my hands fall softly onto my sides.

His eyes shifted from one of mine to the other. Then – "Okay," he finally said.

Then I felt a little jolt of guilt for being short with him.

My annoyance simmered down to resignation. "Maybe we –"

Something buzzed.

His phone.

It was silent, except for the vibrations, and I was wondering why he was ignoring the call when he simply unfastened the battery.

"Maybe we what?" he asked me.

I stared, shocked, at his phone.

"Bella?"

I recovered, swallowing. "You're not angry with me, are you?"

"Why would I be?" He scowled. "It seems like you are with me though. Angry."

"No. I mean, it's fine," I lied, brushing a hand on his back as I continued toward the parking lot.

But he jerked me to a stop by snatching my wrist into his grasp, head ducked away from me. "Stop lying."

I held in a breath for a second before releasing it. "Fine, maybe a little."

"Listen." He raised an eyebrow and stood directly in front of me, hands on my shoulders. "I'm sorry."

I blinked.

"I just don't like anybody touching what belongs to me." He caught the look I gave him, and quickly amended with a short laugh. His face was still stony, though. "I knew that would annoy you. But what I mean is, when I'm in a relationship, I'm hundred percent into it. If I choose to be with someone, it's because I really want it. I don't share. Ever."

"And you think I'm not?" I said, somewhat offended. "Not hundred percent into this?"

"Sometimes," he mused, "it feels like you pity me more than you like me."

I then knocked him in the ribs with my arm, and he let out a pained grunt.

"I like you, Edward," I almost shouted as my hands shot out. "I think I made that perfectly clear over the past months we got to know each other. Isn't it enough confirmation that I stick around all the time no matter what? That I let you touch me and –" I took in an uneven breath. "Besides, I don't think I have any right to pity anyone, even if that's you."

Before I could expect it, Edward brought me in a tight embrace, and I reciprocated tentatively, bringing my hands up to his shoulders and holding on, enjoying his strong arms wrapped around me.

"I really like _you_," he said quietly.

I dropped my head to his chest. "What am I going to do with you?"

His body shook with laughter. "I can think of a few things."

I prodded him in the chest, to which he smiled, and this time, I didn't mind when he led me to his car.

* * *

><p>"Bella."<p>

"Hmm?"

"Why won't you let me take you to the ice rink?"

My lips contorted into a funny smile. "What?"

"I mean it."

"Well, maybe because I'm not as graceful as you are?" I shot him a glimpse. "I'll probably end up grabbing onto you the entire time. What fun is in that?"

"Funny." He grinned. "That's the exact reason why I wanted to take you."

"I can't believe you just said that."

He smirked.

"Well, to be honest, I just don't feel like bumping into anyone today," I said with a shrug. "A lot of the kids from our school work there part-time."

"Who's 'anyone'?"

"Lauren and –" I paused to think. "Yeah, Lauren. I think she works there."

"Lauren?"

Buzz.

Buzz.

His phone again.

It had been doing that a lot during the last ten minutes of the drive.

My eyes zeroed on it, as I answered blankly, "Yep. She hates me."

"Why?"

"Really, you're asking me that?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I kind of took away the glory of being the class valedictorian from her, for one," I began, sounding unintentionally sharp. "And then there's also the fact that I'm dating the Homecoming Prince, while _she's_ the Homecoming Princess. Plus that you're hot, which makes her more annoyed if that's even possible. And with what you did to her today, she probably hates me tenfold now."

"Wait," Edward said, his dazzling smile wider than usual. "Go back to the part where you said I'm hot."

"As if you don't know it."

He laughed. "So I'm vain."

Buzz.

Buzz.

I certainly felt the humor leaving him almost instantly.

He wasn't deaf; he obviously knew. He was just choosing to ignore it.

And my eyes reluctantly latched onto his phone again. "So you're going to take that or what?"

"No."

But he didn't make any objections as I brought it closer to myself and inspected it.

"It's Carlisle," I told him quietly, placing it back on the cabinet under the dashboard.

"I know."

"I thought it was your grandpa's calls you're avoiding."

He tapped a finger on the wheel. "They're all calling about the same thing."

"Oh."

"Just promise me you'll go to the ice rink with me. Tonight. Please."

"Edward, I told you –"

I stopped myself as he shot me one small look. Oh, ignorant, ignorant me. How did I miss the serious desperation in his eyes before?

Buzz.

Buzz.

I bit my lip. "Okay. It's a date."

He cracked a weak smile.

Buzz.

Buzz.

"Edward, you're going to get in trouble for ignoring all these calls."

He had his eyes glued on the road as we turned the last corner, and his house came in view. "I'm already in trouble, Bella."

And for some reason, I knew right away it was about to get worse, because the moment we stepped out of his car, we saw Carlisle perched on the steps, waiting by the door, jaw taut and eyes icy blue.

* * *

><p>"What the hell are you doing here?" Edward bit off as we stepped onto the porch.<p>

"Hi, Carlisle," I said quietly with a smile, but for once, the man took no notice of me.

"Why are you here?" Edward repeated, each word empathic.

"May I ask you the same question, Edward Cullen?" The blue eyes were hazy and dark. "Why are you not in Chicago?"

A long minute of stares was exchanged, until everything unfroze itself; Edward walked past his father to unlock the door, surprising me by gesturing for me to come with him, and the father followed.

I had barely stepped in when I saw Edward angrily throw his keys on the table and continue inward.

"Why are you not in Chicago?" Carlisle asked again calmly.

"None of your business."

"It most certainly is." The father pointed a finger as he began after the boy into the living room. His voice rose. "You're supposed to be in Illinois, young man!"

I cowered into the room as the two narrowed their distances.

"It's my choice." Aloof, Edward dropped down to the sofa and turned the television on. "I don't need you to butt in all the time."

"If your grandfather wants you there, then you pretty damn sure gotta be there." The blond man received no answer. "Are you listening to a _single_ word I'm saying?"

"I'm a legal adult," Edward said evenly, eyes never moving away from the screen. "I have been for the past six or so months."

I thought Carlisle's eyes glimpsed over to me for a split second before focusing back on his reluctant, standoffish son.

"Exactly my point! If you don't want the Masens to cut you off, you follow the damn rules!"

"Dad will never cut me off."

Carlisle's jaws tightened. "You're my son too."

"Who said? You can't even pay your own bills!"

I inwardly gasped.

"You can't run from this forever!" Carlisle yelled, blocking the screen and looming over the younger boy. "You can't win this that way, and you _know _it –"

"I know what I'm doing!"

"If you think you're right, you're never going to fix _anything_. And when shit hits the fan and all you've got left is trouble, where will you be standing, Edward? The edge of a fucking cliff, that's where it is!"

"I don't have time for this –"

"Son –"

And with a condescending scoff, Edward stalked off and headed for the stairs.

I thought my legs were frozen, but I realized that I was trying to follow him up because Carlisle stopped me with a hand on my arm.

His blue eyes were cold and positively livid.

"You should go home, Bella," he told me, his tone unfamiliarly authoritative. "I think you understand."

I nodded slowly, and before I closed the front door behind me, I saw Carlisle trudging up the stairs.

I felt strangely safe in my truck, especially in the incredibly confused state I was in.

What had just happened? More importantly, how did I miss this when I was practically physically with Edward all the time nowadays?

When my phone chirped, I opened it and was absolutely stunned to see a message:

_Ice rink. Tonight. –Edward_

A minute later, second message:

_Please. You promised. –Edward_

Even from my truck, I could hear the yells being exchanged between the two Cullens.

_I know. I promised. –Bella_

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong>

Some questions from quite a few readers that I think must be addressed:

**Q: How old are you?**

A: I turned eighteen about three weeks ago. I'm in the graduating class in my high school!

**Q: Are you antifeminist?**

A: Most definitely not! I promise Bella will come out of this strong; it's all part of her character development. Ha, and I see why everyone's saying Edward's a big asshole; I'm only realizing this now, as I closely reread what I've written during the past year. Oops.

**Q: Do you have an updating schedule?**

A: Sadly, no. Life is especially cruel to me right now: college apps, SAT subject tests, AP courses, scholarships… Need I say more?

**Q: Where is this story headed? Do you have a plan, or are you just BS-ing your way through?**

A: Believe it or not, I definitely know where this is headed. I know precisely how things will work out, what events will lead up to others, and even the final "showdown" among characters at different parts of the story from now on (it's going to get pretty bumpy from here, btw). But no, I don't have a tangible set agenda or plot outline; I also don't know how many chapters this story is going to be, etc. We shall see.

And now, all I can say is that hopefully you stick through the rest of the journey, because there's more to be revealed! I can't wait to share them with you!

Feedback is always, _always_ welcome.

Sarah


	21. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

* * *

><p>We carried our rented skates over to the benches.<p>

The ice rink was located outdoors in one of two parks in town, where trees made the circumference of the area and if I leaned against the railings, I could get a peek at the sizable basketball court beyond the bushes.

For Forks, fall had been unusually warm. Now, it was as if winter was compensating for that; tonight, the temperature definitely plunged.

Edward helped me on with the skates and lacing the strings after doing his; the two of us were strangely quiet, a stark contrast to the shrieks of laughter and chatter surrounding us.

I held his hands in a death grip as he led me to the ice.

"I'm telling you right now," I warned him. "I broke my arm rollerblading when I was ten."

Smirking, he quirked one eyebrow.

I drew in a deep breath as I stepped on the ice – and that was when a kid skated right by, narrowly missing me.

Edward's hand flew up to the small of my back.

"That was close," I breathed.

His hand continued to rub against me, and he playfully encouraged me with his eyes.

I almost slipped the moment my blades hit the slimy ice.

He snickered. "Is this your first time skating?"

Embarrassed, I looked up. "Second. I'm a summer girl overall. I'm from Arizona, remember?"

"Still. No indoor ice rinks?"

"I never bothered."

"Why not?"

"I don't know." I blinked. "I never liked the cold and wet."

His voice quieted down. "What made you so sure?"

"Mom and I used to travel," I mused, my body stiffening as I felt myself lose balance again. I was relieved when nothing happened. "And I never really liked the colder regions of the country."

"Have you been out of the country? Like the Eiffel Tower." He tugged on my arms as he skated backward. "Ever been there?"

"Huh?" My eyes flickered up to him for a second before glancing down at my feet again. "You mean that as in Paris?"

"Yeah."

I laughed through my nose. "I wish."

"I've been there once, on a private tour," Edward said, eyes looking into the memories inside him.

"Well." Despite standing unstably on the ice, I leaned closer so my face was just inches away from his. "I've been on a private tour to the Space Needle, if we're talking about landmarks."

This time, his eyes flicked down, nailing me. The haziness in his eyes cleared.

I nudged him on the shoulder, teasing him with a smile, and I was suddenly losing my balance and hurtling forward.

Arms wound around his neck, I unintentionally pressed my lips to the edge of his lips for a second, then panicking, and pulling back –

And down on my butt.

"Ow," I murmured, wincing as I massaged my thigh.

He was hiding a smile as he helped me up. "I guess it's not your arm we have to worry about tonight."

My head jerked up, and that should have sent me sliding again if it weren't for him in front of me, drawing me close.

My legs were aching already.

"I hate skating," I mumbled, but I was laughing as well.

"You haven't even tried yet." His eyes were hooded as he tugged me along again, and I was beginning to skate relatively steadily. "It's not as hard as it looks."

I made a face at him, but he smiled faintly back.

And then we'd rounded one-third of the rink – Edward, with one hand in his pocket and the other holding mine, staring off into space, and me, both hands completely wound around his, glowering at the ice.

At one point, his hand reached up, brushing across his face, and I knew he was fighting a grin.

"You're so adorable," he said.

A weird noise escaped my mouth, because I didn't really take that as flattery. I cast my eyes over at the entrance, wondering how long it would take for us to get there once more.

Seeing my grimace, Edward wordlessly looped around so he was facing me. Enclosing my fingers more securely in his hands, he slowly edged backward. He was coasting so smoothly.

It was silent except for the sounds of our blades against the ice.

"Just push one of your feet back, diagonally against the ice." His lips tipped up into a lopsided grin. "That will push the other foot to glide automatically."

"Like this?"

"Yeah," he said, voice soft.

"I'm so bad at this."

"It only takes a little practice."

I was concentrating so hard on my skating that we were hardly engaged in a conversation after that. Edward glanced over his shoulder every once in a while, just to check that he wasn't closing up into an obstacle.

The skating wasn't the only thing ridiculous in this situation, though. It was that we were faking to not feel ridiculous about this when it blatantly was.

So just as he turned to check again, I mustered up my courage –

"So why are we here?" I whispered.

I almost wished he didn't hear me.

And his head was still tossed back, and I couldn't see his face. But his thumbs were running over my knuckles.

"I just wanted to have fun with you," he said.

My heart sank, because I had wanted a different answer. "Okay."

"Thanks for coming with me, by the way."

I sniffled, digging my nose into my scarf. "Don't say that. I promised you, after all."

There was a period of silence.

"Edward."

"Bella."

"I hope that one day, you'll be able to give me some answers." I swallowed, eyes intent on my feet as they started to glide more fluidly on the icy surface. "Is that too much to ask?"

It was just a few words he said in response, but they were enough to make everything better:

"No, it's not." He squeezed my fingers. "And I will give them soon. I promise."

* * *

><p>"<em>I promise."<em>

I had to fight a smile as I repeatedly recited those words in my head.

"Order for two? A latte and a cappuccino?"

At the sound, I stumbled up and jogged to the counter to collect the coffee I ordered.

It was Alice Hale holding the drinks, her eyes steely and impassive.

"These yours?" she said quietly.

I realized I was just standing there, gawking at her. "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thanks."

She nodded briskly and handed the two warm cups over. "Here. They're five dollars together."

I anxiously sucked in my bottom lip and fidgeted with my change. "Do you – do you work here?"

Her eyes flickered over to somewhere else before back at me and pinning me down.

"Sorry, was that rude?" I said, balancing on the balls of my feet.

She kept staring.

"Uh…"

"Are you going to pay or what?"

I startled. "What?"

She was looking at something over my shoulder. "Your boyfriend's waiting for you."

"What?" I said again stupidly.

"Isn't Edward Cullen your _boyfriend_? He's waiting for you."

I glimpsed back, and she was right.

Quickly, I dropped the money and picked up the drinks.

"They're hot," she said tonelessly. "Be careful."

I got the strange feeling that she was implying something else in those last two words.

* * *

><p>I used the side mirror to keep my eyes on Alice Hale in the coffee shop, wondering and not getting anywhere…<p>

Then the car door clicked open, and Edward joined me in the backseat.

I studied him worriedly, knowing that he just got off from a call he took outside.

"Carlisle," he said simply as he shut the door, although I never asked.

In the silence, I brushed off the snowflakes from his hair and shoulders. I didn't think he was aware of the fact that I was touching him, though, seeing that his eyes were losing focus.

"Your hands are freezing." I gently handed over the warm coffee and helped him hold it; then, I covered his hands with my warm ones. "Do you want me to drive?"

He actually attempted to smile. Why didn't he understand that he didn't have to do that?

"I'm okay," he said.

I nodded once and looked away.

I could be patient.

I sipped on my coffee as I directed my body toward the windshield. "We should get moving before we get caught up in this. But I don't remember hearing there's a snowstorm coming in the weather forecast…"

Outside, snow was beginning to fall fast and hard, and each white flake was getting bigger and thicker by the minute. The flakes were flying diagonally in the air.

I gently tugged on his wrist. "Are you sure you can drive?"

Although he didn't nod, he instantly deposited his coffee into the holder in the cabinet and cracked open the door to move into the driver's seat.

But he hesitated, and the cold wind spilled through the opening.

"Edward?"

"I don't want to go." And then his green eyes were fluttering all over the place, eyebrows furrowed. "I can't go back." His fists and jaw clenched rhythmically. "I – I don't want to face Carlisle right now. I can't."

I held my breath in the eerie silence, and that was when his seemingly perpetual cool mask suddenly broke and changed to show his sheer panic and fright.

Quietly, I leaned over him and shut the door again.

I had no choice but ask.

"What did Carlisle say?"

No answer.

"Edward." I turned his shoulders so they were facing me. "What did he say?"

My mind was sifting through the worst scenarios. Although it was clear that Edward harbored obvious distaste for his father, I knew that one wrong act on Carlisle's part could make a crippling effect on Edward's life. Regardless of what Edward felt, Carlisle was undoubtedly a significant figure to him. At least that much was true, because I remembered that Edward would always be bothered when he didn't know where the blond man was. Always.

"Talk to me," I pleaded gently, my mind clouding with a myriad of thoughts.

"He's sorry for being a burden in my life." His voice was oddly still and controlled. "He's _sorry._"

"Hey, I don't want to act like I know everything, because I don't." I ran a hand through his hair. "But I do know that Carlisle cares about you."

He shook his head mutely.

"I'm serious. He –" I held my tongue and started over. "Why do you hate him so much?"

Edward very slowly crumbled forward on his bent elbows and hid his face in his hands.

"All they do is group us together," he said woodenly. "The Masens – always, every time they see me. How I look so much like Carlisle. How I'll end up like Carlisle in the end. How things could have been different if only I were a Masen. That you can't fool genetics. I hate it."

"But he still –"

"No, Bella." He was glaring now, eyes clouding with slight frenzy. "Carlisle gambles – _all the time _– did you know that? He's not employed because he just doesn't care anymore, and he – he's a high school dropout! He –"

My throat closed up. "Edward…"

"I don't _ever _want to end up like him. I can't do that to my dad. I have to be good. I have to – … " He shook his head. "Carlisle's right. I should have gone to Chicago. How is anyone supposed to treat me like an adult if I throw tantrums like a kid, right? I'm only proving them right. It's all my fault."

"No, no, no, don't do that. Hey, come here." I forced his hands off from his face and wrapped my arms around his torso. "It's going to be okay."

A hint of a sad smile spread on his lips, and I could feel them move up against my neck. "You always know your center. I wish I were more like you."

"There's nothing wrong with being you," I said, remembering the night he said otherwise.

"Wrong." He fell silent. "I'm vain… and I always play dirty."

I helped him sit up, but his shoulders were still slackened and his head still bowed.

Gazing up at him, I traced the side of his lips with a thumb. "Did I ever tell you that I love your smile?"

He slightly raised his head, scrutinizing me timidly. Then his lips, instead of smiling, pressed unyieldingly to mine.

"That too, I guess," I joked, laughing quietly to myself.

"Bella." The way he was looking at me made my heart beat faster. "This… us…"

"Yeah?"

"You're so good to me," he said quietly. "I hope you'll never get tired of this, because I don't think I'll ever get tired of it."

I smiled. "Me too."

"But since when was anything simple?"

"It doesn't have to be simple."

He pulled me up easily, and this time, I rested my head against his chest, his muscles firm and warm.

"I'm never going to get tired of you," I mumbled.

"Really?"

He sounded so desperate. It was as if he didn't believe me.

I looked up, and his face was cast in the shadows of the darkening night and thickening snow. His eyes flashed in the soft orange light; his hair was turned and mussed all over his head; and his skin was so pale – even paler than mine – and in that moment, it felt like we were invincible.

He was so human, and I had to catch my breath. And I wanted every inch of him – both scarred and unscathed – to be mine.

I planted a kiss on his shoulder. "I swear."

* * *

><p>The world never worked the way people wanted.<p>

And so I understood when we started driving and Edward told me that he still wasn't ready to face Carlisle – that he wasn't sure if he'd ever be.

One night wasn't going to magically mend everything.

"Weird."

I stiffened as I faced him. "What is?"

"You've been in my room countless times, and this is my first in yours."

"Oh." I began to hiccup. Darn. Nerves. "I guess."

My bedroom was nothing special. It was tidy, mostly toned-down purple, and just the perfect size for me to carry out my daily tasks.

I watched as Edward, with a youthful grin, fingered the string of lights I had on one of the walls.

"This is nice," he said, touching the golden glows, before twisting and taking everything else in.

With another hiccup, I cracked a nervous smile. I tried to ignore how heavily – and excitedly – my heart was beating. Edward Cullen looked too big – and out of place – in my tiny room.

Another hiccup.

"Are you nervous?" he asked, now wearing a salacious grin.

Hiccup. "No, you don't make me nervous."

"I make you nervous?"

Hiccup. Hiccup.

I almost tripped on my way to my bed, and plopped down on it weakly. He silently asked for my permission, and with one nod from me, he was sitting next to me too.

Our pinkies were touching.

I hiccupped.

"I heard kissing helps," he said casually.

"Helps with what?"

"Stopping hiccups."

My face felt oddly warm.

He was making excuses, of course. But in the next few minutes our mouths moved against each other, I couldn't care less.

* * *

><p>My bed creaked as Edward hoisted me over his groin and tried to shrug me out of my sweater.<p>

We abruptly went still as we both heard something – footsteps in the hallway getting closer.

Edward and I shared a moment of wide-eyed, panic-stricken stares before I leaped off his lap.

In that split second, I was seriously regretting not having a big enough closet for a six-foot boy to fit in when there was a knock on the door.

"Bella?"

I frantically patted down my hair and clothes, and did my best to control my breathing as I popped open the door the slightest bit, letting only a stream of light out the door.

"Hey, Dad," I said, clearing my throat. "What's up? I thought you were taking the night shift."

"I am. I was just stopping by…" Charlie scowled at something behind me. "Do you have a friend over?"

"Huh?" Giggling under my breath, I angled the door more sharply. "Uh, no."

"Honey, you were never a good liar."

"Uh, Dad – DAD!"

He wrenched the door open against my will, and that was how I involuntarily introduced my boyfriend to my dad for the first time.

* * *

><p>Edward wasn't shirtless, thank God.<p>

My dad was a commanding man; law and order was his nature. Although far from physically formidable with his rather stout figure and round beady eyes, Charlie Swan knew what to do to exude his menace and protectiveness.

"You're _dating_ him?" Charlie accused me furiously.

He spoke as if the very boy wasn't in the same room with us.

I peeked at Edward, now standing by my spinning chair – he had made a smart move and managed to reposition himself by my desk even in that moment of fraught. In this moment, I truly admired his bored but respectful disaffection. But I wondered what was really going through his head…

Strutting up, Edward introduced himself, quietly but confidently, before making a firm handshake.

But Charlie was undeterred, and he shot me a look that we were going to talk about this.

But why? Edward had a moderate – if not, good – reputation in town. My dad, the Chief, should know this. I didn't understand where the anger was coming from.

Still, Charlie was a man of few words. The disapproval was obvious – and so was the disappointment in his daughter, it seemed – and he warned that Edward would have to be gone by the time he got back home in a few hours.

I escorted my dad to his cruiser, and before he got in, he told me, "That boy's trouble."

"How would you know, dad?" I mumbled, exasperated.

He rolled his window down and gave me a soft but stern look. "I was his age when I met your mom. Your mom was your age when she met me. Here in Forks. You're a smart girl, Bella. I'm sure you know what I mean."

Without another word, the Chief drove off.

* * *

><p>The storm that came along last night was undoubtedly the drastic changing point in this year's weather. Although it had calmed substantially after midnight, the world outside my window still seemed evermore murky and hazed up.<p>

My world too.

As the weak light streamed in through the curtains, I hummed and turned away.

My hand fisted around my pillow, and it clenched and unclenched.

Carlisle.

The Masens.

Charlie.

Edward.

Edward.

Edward.

My eyes fluttered open, and I was suddenly wide awake.

I felt oddly wan as I swung my legs off the bed and stood up.

I came to recognize the different shades of Edward's voice and actions over the last four months – how he sounded whenever he would speak in long and short sentences – how he would walk nimbly with his hands in his pockets.

I also came to learn that he was many more things than just the popular jock; he was a fantastic musician, a secretly reluctant volleyball player, a horrible cook, and a teenager who just wanted to be good.

A lot happened in little time, and something inside me was permanently shifted. I didn't remember when, what, or why. It just did.

And while feeling this intensely for someone had its frustrating moments as well as lonely moments, it also had those meaningful moments that made all the bad things worthwhile.

A random distant honk pulled me out of the stupor over my breakfast, and I was beyond surprised to see Edward roughly knocking on my door the next minute.

I also did not expect to see his eyes and face – to hear his voice – all much more tired than usual.

My eyes widened as I felt a surge of dread stirring within me. "Is everything okay? Are you all right?"

"I just need you, Bella." Edward cleared his throat, but even then, his voice was subdued, husky, and dull. "Can I just have you today?"

My heart leaped, as he, breaths noticeably uneven, took one big step forward and blinked heavily. He frowned a tad, as if confused, before he shoved me into a wall and tucked his face in the crook of my neck.

We both slid down the wall and onto an awkward position on the floor, and I was beginning to truly panic – but then I heard his breaths even out.

"I couldn't sleep without you," he muttered drowsily, body relaxing and words slurring.

Then I combed a hand through his hair over and over, and let both of us sit there by the opened front door. He kept mumbling that he was going to fall asleep, but I doubted he really did. But with the slow rise and fall of his chest, I imagined he had fallen at least into that light sleep in which you partially were aware of your surroundings.

With the cold air blowing in, my bare toes and legs turned numb and frosty. But hearing his peace in my ear and the way he murmured my name, I didn't have it in me to take this moment away from him.

* * *

><p>Some hours later, I made brunch for the two us.<p>

He did the dishes afterward.

"I didn't mean to pass out on you," he said quietly.

"Don't worry about it." I sighed, folding my arms together on the dining table. "I thought something bad happened or something. I'd rather have you pass out from lack of sleep than anything like that."

He made no answer to that; all I heard was the clinking of the dishes as he rinsed them.

It was quiet here, and outside the house was a snowstorm that was subsiding little by little

I stared at the rattling window, feeling pensive. "Did you know you talk in your sleep too?"

"No." I thought I heard a smirk in his voice. "What did I say? Something stupid?"

"Kind of."

He turned off the faucet and faced me, tossing his head to the side. "Yeah?"

A grin formed on my mouth. "You said my name."

"Not surprising." He paused, smiling crookedly. "And not stupid."

Edward came into my life like the strong winds outside – unpredictably and powerfully. He swept into my life without a hello, because in all honesty, he didn't have to say a thing to let me know. No warning would have been enough.

The next thing I knew, I was propped on the kitchen counter next to the sink and showering his neck and shoulders with kisses.

_Edward. I think I'm in love with you._

With the downward tilt of his head, our mouths came together, and I suddenly wanted to duck and cry.

"I didn't come here for this," he whispered, eyes closed, but he kept kissing me back, his responses growing more eager and demanding.

"I know. But I just want to be with you too." I bravely licked his bottom lip, to which he groaned. "We can do what we should have done yesterday. Watch movies. Order pizza. Sleep. Maybe eat ice cream." I smiled against his lips and held onto his chest tighter. "All day long."

My skin pebbled under the touch of his cold, wet fingertips, but his mouth was warm and soft and tender.

"All day long," he echoed both my words and smile, a finger on my chin.

And that was when all my inhibitions came unbound – when I finally surrendered a part of myself for him to keep.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>So, a lot happened. One of many secrets is now officially revealed – how did I do? How do you feel about it? Realistic or not? Like or no?

Sarah


	22. Chapter 21

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE**

* * *

><p>"I like him."<p>

I twisted around. "Like who?"

Eyes on the television screen, Edward fumbled around for the leftover cookies on the tray. "The Chief."

I watched him closely and sipped hard on the blue straw stuck in the milkshake. "Well, I can't say the same thing about my dad to you."

"Exactly." He quickly took a drag himself and licked his lips. "Did you make these cookies?"

"Hmm?" I reeled at the sudden change of subject. "Oh, yeah."

He chucked another piece in his mouth, and it was becoming some sort of duty for me to wipe the crumbs off his mouth.

Wow, he _really_ was a kid when it came down to baked goods.

I jumped at the sudden sound of a gunshot; apparently the protagonist of the movie had just shot down one of his targets.

Edward adjusted the blanket around me, just as he yawned and slipped down against the back of the sofa in a sleepy lull.

"Bella. About Carlisle."

I froze and discreetly lowered the TV volume. "What about him?"

He averted my eyes, his own gazing straight forward. "I think I'll talk to him. Soon."

"You will?" I hid a relieved sigh and settled with a subdued smile. "I'm glad. Is he at home right now?"

"No. He's gone."

I nodded a little, fumbling with the remote.

"He left a note."

"A note?"

"He said he'll leave me alone for the rest of my life."

"Oh, no," I said without thinking, in shock. "What did you say to him?"

Then his face popped up toward my direction. "What do you mean?"

I swallowed. "Did you chase him away?"

"No," he scoffed softly. "I would… I would never do that."

"But he left."

"He'll come back." He sounded certain but jaded. "He always does."

I was partly speechless. "This happens a lot?"

"Yep. I lost count."

"Wow."

"It got physical a couple of times," he mused, smirking. "He might have thrown a few punches at me."

"No!"

"I'm serious." He looked meek, deep in thought. "Is it really that hard to believe?"

"Uh." I gulped again. "Yes! That is – I mean, Carlisle wasn't kidding when he told me you two are more friends than father and son."

Edward sat up. "He said that?"

I nodded. "But I think he wants you to give him a chance."

"Never."

"Still, you have to give him some credit for trying – in his own way, at least."

"Yeah." His face turned into a sneer. "He doesn't go three months without asking me for money. For alcohol. For whatever shit he's involved in. And that's what a father does to his son, right?"

The room turned uncomfortably silent, and the only sounds were the low voices from the movie.

I couldn't imagine having the kind of relationship Edward had with Carlisle. Charlie and I weren't on best terms either, but our lukewarm relationship seemed miles better off than theirs.

I couldn't even begin to fathom what it was like for Edward.

I grazed the side of his cheek with my palm. "Let me ask you something."

He leaned toward my touch, closing his eyes. "Mm?"

"What exactly do you want from Carlisle? If things between you two somehow magically work out… will that be what you want?"

His eyes, now open, darted around my face before they fell to his lap.

"I guess what I'm asking is…" I frowned, beginning to confuse even myself. "What _are_ you trying to work out here?"

"I honestly don't know." His face softened. "What I do know is that something's broken and I need to fix it somehow."

For some reason, I got him – I knew what he meant. "So we'll fix it."

He smirked weakly. "We?"

"Yeah, we."

He shook his head, eyes blinking heavily. "But all this between Carlisle and me… it's going to repeat over and over. I just know it."

"It's okay if it breaks over and over," I said confidently. "We'll just have to fix it over and over too. We'll just have to do our best."

A slow smile spread on his lips, and I allowed him when he adjusted my body so I was sitting across his lap.

"And I wanted to tell you that…" I bit my lip, "that I'm really, really glad that you're letting me know about this."

An arm surrounded my waist, followed by one kiss on my clothed breast.

"I'm glad that you're…" I let out a shuddering breath, "letting me in a little. I was just about to go crazy, honestly –"

Then he was kissing on my mouth, fire in his movement.

Although caught off guard, I responded right away, leaning in. I eagerly pressed my mouth to his, opening and closing it and feeling my way around his lips.

"You're – damn – so amazing," he mumbled.

He squeezed my waist, and in return, my grip on his jaw and hair tightened. I tugged on his shirt collar on my knees, angling our bodies closer and wanting more.

Then he also sat up taller, grasping my waist and whispering about how he loved that it felt too small in both of his large hands.

I started to giggle but stopped as soon as he anchored me flush against his chest. His hands splayed against my back, he opened his mouth wider and deepened the kiss.

He nibbled on my earlobe before parting. "Your room?"

I grinned, already standing up and pulling him with me. "My room."

* * *

><p>I wasn't really thinking as I sat Edward down on my bed and pulled my shirt over me.<p>

His eyes went wide, and just as I leaned into a kiss, he muttered, "I'm not complaining."

The next thing I knew, he and I had both gotten rid of my shorts, and I was crawling on top of his lying body, hand fixedly wrapped around his neck. I kissed his neck and chin, and it pleased me that he was groaning and moaning, his hands all over my body as if he couldn't help it.

His palms rose from the side of my stomach and stayed flat on my bra, rubbing back and forth, until he popped the clasp open and slid it down my arms. I squeaked as he suddenly brought my front close to his face, and he was noisily licking and sucking and suckling and blowing –

"Closer," he whispered from below me, snaking an arm around my hips and abruptly jerking me nose-to-nose.

And my knees on each side of his hips on the bed were shaking, and I was struggling to keep my balance with my hands on the bed.

He squeezed my butt cheeks, hard, and I sighed unevenly.

"Still on your period?" he asked, voice deep and dreamy.

I shook my head, and that was all it took for him to get me fully naked.

Both hands traced the sides of my thighs, and I stopped breathing for a second when they slightly dipped in so they were touching the softer, more sensitive flesh there. Then planting his hands firmly on the back of my knees, he roughly yanked my legs forward.

"Edward!" I gasped, heart pounding as I realized we were aligned down there.

Laughing under his breath, he slowly licked from the base of my throat to my jaw and rolled us back. Looping his arms around my shoulders, he nibbled on my neck.

He pressed himself suggestively against me, and I couldn't help but push back, cupping his hip and closing the distance even more.

"This is embarrassing." I swallowed and looked at his fully clothed body. "You didn't even lose your shirt, and I'm…"

He couldn't take his eyes off my heaving chest. "Completely naked."

I tried to meet his little thrusts but barely because I was going to burst if we went any harder; they were driving me crazy.

"Edward," I said breathlessly. "I… Mm…"

"Too much for you?" he asked quietly, stopping.

I bit my lip.

He leaned close to my ear and whispered, "Never enough for me."

* * *

><p>I was a little hesitant – but in a good way – like having to choose one between two great choices – as he rotated his hips against me.<p>

If anything, tangy taste on my lips was definitely an indication that I drew blood from biting too hard on my bottom lip.

I froze when the tip of him slipped and slid in me.

"Shit," he muttered, staring at the connection but not moving.

So I moved instead.

More breathless than I should be, I turned over and glued my legs together. From the corner of my eyes, Edward silently pulled up his pants and boxers.

I screwed my eyes close – I was such a prude.

"Sorry, it just slipped. I swear," I heard him murmur. "You're just… soaked."

I tried to laugh it out, rubbing my thighs together and meeting his eyes. "For some reason, I think you're lying. About the slipping part, I mean."

He didn't say anything. I playfully rolled my eyes – because that meant he wasn't denying it either.

"But I'd never force you," he told me.

"That –" I twisted my neck and kissed his cheek "– I believe."

"Come now, Bella," he laughed, raspy, as his stare took on a wicked gleam. He put his chest flush to my back and licked my earlobe. "I promise I won't do it." His smile was so devastating. "Yet."

"Is that a threat or a promise?"

"I don't know. What do you want it to be?"

Edward kept looking at me, as if he was challenging me, and elicited a startled squeak from me when his hand swept over my nipple. My body felt hot.

"A –" I stopped myself. "Wait, is that a rhetorical question?"

"No, but it's cool." He pulled away so that our bodies no longer touching. He grinned crookedly. "You just gave me your answer."

I regarded him warily, because I wasn't even sure of the answer myself.

He tossed me my shirt back and regarded me back in return.

"We're done?" I murmured, somewhat puzzled as I dubiously pulled on the sleeves.

"I don't want to regret what I think I'm going to force you to do if we don't." He rested himself against the headboard and stared up at the ceiling and then down at me. "It would be a lot easier if Chief Swan is here."

"A man of the law to keep you in line? But we're not breaking any laws." I had to laugh. "Are you afraid of me or of yourself?"

I was surprised when he actually dodged my kiss.

He snickered when my face fell. "I'm serious, Bella."

"I am too. I seriously want to keep touching you."

He knelt in front of me. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

His lips met mine then, and he was kissing me face down and slowly lowering me on my back once more. Our bodies were parallel, and his eyes narrowed the slightest bit.

"Still yes?" he said calmly.

I nodded.

"Okay." He undid his belt, clanking as he did, as he hovered over me. "What about now? Yes, even if I push myself in you again, accident or not?"

I couldn't look away as his long, taped fingers slowly undid the buttons and zipper and dipped inside the band.

My mouth went dry.

"See?" He was off me instantly. "Not serious enough."

I sighed and plummeted backward on the mattress.

It was quiet.

"You angry with me?" I whispered.

"Of course not."

"Frustrated with me?"

"Oh, yeah."

I sat up a little on my elbows. "Really?"

"Yeah, sexually."

I smiled, scrunching up my nose.

Again, silence.

"Why am I so weird, Edward?"

"You're not. You're normal."

"This coming from a weird person like you? Hmm."

The banter didn't last long before we were screwing around and kissing in lustful frenzy again – slowing down once in a while because, like he said, neither of us wanted do something that we'd regret later.

I'd never felt wilder in being with a boy. I'd exchanged a few kisses in my life, but the physical things I did with those boys were nothing too deep and certainly not as intense as those between Edward and me.

I'd never been with boys like him, not even close. Not one of them kissed me like he did… moved like he did… Edward was so sure, and I was learning that if he wanted it, he got it.

He captured my mouth in a rough kiss, his tongue slipping in and fingers scratching up the side of my scalp.

The frenzy cleared up a little when at one point, I realized that I had unbuttoned his jeans and was looking straight at –

"It's so soft," I marveled honestly, staring it down. "And pink."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were talking about a stuffed animal."

I snorted loudly, but it stopped being funny very quickly because that soft, pink thing twitched.

I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and lowered my mouth to him.

Although I couldn't yet give him my "first time" down there, I could give him this "first time."

I hesitantly planted a small kiss on the tip.

And shyly and incredibly slowly, I went on licking, sucking, and fondling. I did a lot of fumbling and blushing and humming in silent question with a raised eyebrow; I even told him in the middle of it all that I wasn't sure what I was doing, but I didn't think he heard me.

His breaths were harsh, and he was trying not to buck his hips deeper in my mouth – without avail.

I didn't mind much, though, and at the lewd noises he made, I got on my knees and squeezed my legs together. My thighs were wet.

"Bella, back off now," he grunted. "God, that's good."

And I was doing just that, but his fingers, in contradiction, were weaving into my hair and continuing to guide my head to rock back and forth. So I just kept going, faster and harder like he asked.

In the end, he actually pushed me off by the shoulder, but too late –

We stared at each other for an awkward second, and his eyes lingered on certain places of my body: my hair, my chin, and my neck.

We burst out into a wild laugh.

I involuntarily winked as I felt something wet on my eyelashes. "Okay, I'm pretty sure it got in my eye."

He attempted to swipe some of his fluids off from the corner of my mouth but unintentionally made a bigger smudge. He grimaced.

Without thinking, I wetted my lips because they felt so dry, and ended up making a face as I accidentally tasted him. I spat out as discreetly as I could.

We shared another awkward, panicked look before – yet again – doubling over.

He brought his fingers close again, but I leaned away.

"I'm fine." I smiled and tried to kiss him before stopping myself. "Oh."

"I'm fine with it too."

Then with a hand on the curve of my hip and dangerously close to my wettest place – even wetter than my face at the moment – he brought me and kissed me fully on the mouth.

* * *

><p>I used the back of my hand to clean my mouth and chin.<p>

Edward kept laughing as he dragged the tissues over my chest. "You should have seen your face."

I sat up, bringing my blanket with me. I saw myself in my drawer mirror and hurriedly combed down my messy hair.

And looking back at him, I realized that he really had been fully clothed the entire time, except when he had his jeans gathered down his hips when I…

I looked down and blushed.

"Don't tell me you're getting embarrassed now?" he said, laughing and dipping his head to catch my eyes. "Isn't it a little too late for that?"

"Did you like it at all?" I anxiously rubbed a hand on my neck. "I mean, I tried?"

He balled up the soiled tissues and tossed them into the trashcan, as he would with a basketball into a hoop. His face, peering at me from over his shoulder, smoothed.

"I think the mess I made on you answers that question," he said nonchalantly.

I sniffed, beaming shyly, and ran a finger on my collarbone – still slimy and sticky.

"Hey, don't be embarrassed." He pushed me on my back and cocked his head to the side, brushing his nose against mine. "I loved it."

My breath got caught in his throat. His cheeks were flushed, his eyelids were droopy and relaxed, and he was so cute.

"I didn't know your chest turns red too – when you blush."

Shrouding my shoulders, I hurriedly covered myself. I didn't even know I was blushing because my body felt so warm overall.

I tugged on the sheets, and somewhat tying them around my torso, I stood up, dragging them with me on the floor.

"Let me go rinse it off," I said softly, creeping away with a self-conscious, wide grin. "I'll be right back."

Edward folded his legs crisscross and eyed my slowly retreating form for a moment before forcefully snatching my wrist, jolting me.

He stared up at me for once, frozen and seemingly mystified. Then his expression cleared.

"Please don't go to Emmett's game next week."

He cupped my cheek for a second before letting both hands go limp. He didn't say anything more.

"Hey," I murmured, righting him and bending forward on the waist so I could look at him properly. "This isn't about being jealous again, right? Or is it something else?"

"Both."

But I just didn't understand any of it – why he was so worried and protective, why Emmett mattered so much, why he was bringing this up now, why his face was so sad and determined, why… why?

I glanced around my room, thinking. "What's wrong with Emmett?"

"That's not my point."

"Then explain," I pleaded.

"The truth?"

"The truth."

"Part of it."

I smiled softly. "That works too." _For now._

His facial expression was unreadable. "Emmett and I have been best friends since the day I moved here, and there's a reason to that."

It was not what I expected. I blinked, lost.

"We're same people. We play the same sports; we crack the same jokes; we have the same personality. We like the same things."

"And?"

His pale stare. "We always like the same girl."

My stomach stirred.

Far away eyes. "Always."

"You," I murmured, and it was me who was trying to catch his eyes now. "Emmett has nothing on you. It was always just you from the beginning – nobody else."

He didn't look convinced.

I sighed shakily and looked down. My mind was suddenly occupied with the idea that had bugged me for a while now.

Brave. I needed to be brave.

"Edward. Did Emmett like Rosalie too?"

And sometimes, silence meant yes.

* * *

><p>"What do you want, Edward?"<p>

No response.

"Hello?" I waved a hand in front of him. "Edward?"

He jerked, as if really startled, before removing his headphones and glancing up at the old waitress.

I scowled, aggravated at both him and myself, because he was so out of it and I couldn't get him to snap back to what was happening in front of him.

"And you?" asked the waitress.

She was talking to me now.

I blurted out the first thing I saw when I glimpsed down at the menu.

"You don't even like fish," Edward pointed out quietly, gaze significant, as he pulled up the headphones back into his ears.

His bored gaze was trained on something out in the dark through the windows, and he seemed deeply immersed in the music he was listening to.

"And you don't even like carrots," I muttered, although he couldn't hear me.

* * *

><p>We traded dishes when our order came up.<p>

The sound of bass and vocals streamed out from his headphones that were strung around his neck as we ate in remote silence.

An unexpected touch wrapped around my knee, and he pulled up my leg so it was resting beside his on his seat.

Hand sweeping down my calf, he massaged my ankle for a minute before releasing me.

My toes curled in when I caught a hint of a smirk lingering on his lips.

I slightly wiggled my leg. "What?"

He raised both eyebrows, shrugging. "You."

Stunned, I played around with the cheese on top of the carrot casserole with my fork. I zoned out as I watched the white stuff cling onto the silverware, as I watched it twirl.

If only Mr. Masen raised his child with love. If only Edward never came to meet Rosalie. If only Edward was sure of himself, and I of myself.

If only there weren't so many "if only's."

I blankly lifted my eyes to see his face, and he was mirroring me.

He smiled softly, elbow on the table and face framed with a palm. "What?"

The look he was giving me was making me feel lovely sick, in such a way that it was so good but doubly dangerous.

I smiled back. "You."

And the "if only's" didn't matter. All I wondered now was just how long I'd actually loved him.

* * *

><p>Only when Edward excused himself out to take a call – I had a good idea from whom it was – did I realize that my shoulders were tense, strained.<p>

I felt so wan and weak, and I tried to knead the tightened muscles there.

Out of the blue, something hurtled in my direction, bumping into my table and sending my glass of water tumble over. The contents splattered all over the tablecloth and my shirt.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry!" the person said in alarm.

I stiffened, feeling the coldness seep in, and quickly made work to dab my stomach and lap with the napkins.

"It's all right. I'm fine." In fact, the splash of water was exactly what I needed – it was definitely pulling me out of this soporific stupor. "Are _you_ okay?"

"I'm good."

I looked up and – it was a… boy – no, a little older than a boy.

And I might have been a little speechless because he was, admittedly, very good-looking with a subtle tan and a devilish grin.

He was as handsome as Edward – if anything, more.

He glanced down at me and then turned back for a second look. "Whoa." He leaned down slowly, his piercing blue – dark, deep blue – eyes staring into mine. His eyes drifted down to my body, and he was grinning again. "Are you from here originally?"

My eyelids fluttered. "Um. Not really."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. How old are you?"

I frowned, confused.

"Oops, my manners." He straightened up. "My name's RJ. Yours?"

That was when I took notice of his friends beside him – a group of girls and boys – smirking and laughing among themselves. They quickly took notice of my stare and apologized; it was they who were messing around and accidentally pushed him toward my table.

When I had my attention back on him, he had his eyebrow arched.

"I'm –"

"RJ!" someone exclaimed from my side, and a girl dashed through the diner and towards him, yanking his face down into a kiss that was much too inappropriate in public.

RJ's eyes were on me the whole time.

"Hey, Julie," he said noncommittally when she finally released him. "How are you?"

"Fantastic, now that I'm with you."

And then RJ, the group of his friends, and the girl were all filing into the booth near mine.

I couldn't take my eyes off him; he was sitting directly across from me, and something told me that he had done so intentionally.

I was strangely drawn, because he was looking at me in an intense but blasé way that reminded me of… Edward.

In that moment, Edward slinked back into the booth with a sigh, blocking our sight, and only then was I able to tear my eyes away.

* * *

><p>"Oh, relax," I heard RJ say, voice dull and exasperated, "it was just one kiss."<p>

The girl – Julie – was not happy with the response.

I'd heard it all, partly because of the weird draw but mostly because the group was so loud and raucous in their conversations. That, and RJ did not seem to care about publicly humiliating his fling-mate.

Finally, at Julie's loud accusations and dramatics, the entire diner turned the attention toward that booth – even Edward.

I saw Edward give them a glance over his shoulder, and I couldn't see the look in his face. But when he turned back, he instantly dropped some cash on the table and rose.

"Let's go," he said brusquely, roughly grasping my hand.

"Huh? Oh. Okay –" I had barely grabbed my purse when he started to haul me away. "Edward, slow down!"

"Edward?"

RJ's voice.

My eyes darted from in front of me to behind me, but Edward and I were still heading toward the door.

"Yo, Cullen!" RJ ducked away from his friends and ran up to catch up with us. "Edward, right? I knew it! Been so long, man."

Edward stopped before spinning around. I certainly did not miss how he hid me behind him, and his hand was so strongly wrapped around mine that I couldn't feel it anymore.

"Hey, man," my boyfriend said quietly. "Didn't see you."

"Well, I heard your team dominated all the v-ball championships this year. Word goes all the way to Port Ang." RJ slapped a hand on Edward's shoulder. "It's always great to see my favorite underclassman! But you're a senior now, aren't you?" Laughing, he was then staring at me. "That your girl, bro?"

Edward abruptly let go of me.

His green eyes stared into mine for a long moment, and I didn't know the meaning in them. It was starting to scare me when he broke the connection, faced RJ fully, and –

"No."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Thank your for showing your support on The Lemonade Stand Poll (and continuing to publicize this fic). I super, really appreciate it!

P.S. How's _that _for a cliffhanger?


	23. Chapter 22

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**

* * *

><p>My heart reacted before my head.<p>

My heart was horrendously wounded.

My head told me that something was up.

All of me was desperate to say something – just get angry and stomp my foot on the floor. But this… something told me not to.

So I held my tongue. I didn't interject. Observing. Trying to pick up on the hints.

"Ah. Perfect." RJ slanted to the side and nodded at me, salacious smile making me blush and cower behind Edward's shoulder. "What did you say your name was?"

"I didn't say." I tossed a glance up at Edward, and was bummed when he didn't return it. "I'm Bella. Bella Swan."

"Bella Swan?" Something in his eyes came alive. Then he was goofy, tipping down an invisible hat and bowing. "Well, mine's RJ, but I think I told you that already."

"You did," I mumbled.

I watched guardedly as the two boys interacted with each other without words. It was odd – how remarkably same yet different they were.

RJ and Edward were both obviously extremely attractive, but in different ways. Not only were there differences physically, but also inexplicable ones in their allure; this fact was – honestly – disconcerting.

"Bella." RJ smirked. "Can I have your number?"

My hand tightened on Edward's cuff and tugged it.

"Huh." RJ's eyes danced between our faces, stopping short. "You don't mind, do you, Edward?"

Edward's eyes slowly climbed up from the floor to the other boy's face and he… freaking _smiled_.

"Why would I," he said.

What in the world was he –

RJ's smirk spread wider, and he handed me his phone, waiting.

And I gave it up – my number.

I didn't know why. Maybe I was expecting Edward to finally respond in a way I expected him to – a way he was _supposed _to.

But he didn't – just smiling and chatting with RJ as if he hadn't blatantly tried to avoid him just seconds ago.

I was furious now, and not about the first no but more with the second. How could he? Boyfriends were supposed to tell the guy who hit on their girlfriends to scram, not… not this.

"How old are you?" RJ asked again as he took a snapshot of me. "Fifteen? Sixteen?"

"Seventeen," I muttered, and I would have been offended by his evaluation on me if it were any other day.

"Even better," he muttered back, meeting my eyes and then Edward's. "Hey, Cullen, you wanna screw around at the court? I can leave them –" He nodded at his friends still in the booth "– here."

Edward shrugged. "I'd rather not."

"Come on, man!" The gleam in his stare turned to something else. "It's been ages since."

"I have to drop Bella off home."

RJ got him in a headlock, grinding a fist in his head. "You think you're all big now, Cullen, but you're still a little boy to me."

Edward laughed a little, ducking off. I noticed he was deliberately keeping his distance from me now – not a single touch on my body.

"Oh, and is it true that you quit basketball for good? FHS men's basketball is dead without you and McCarty, man. I thought you were laying off just last year."

"Em's still part of the team." Edward smiled obscurely at the floor. "But I'm done with basketball. It was never my sports, anyway." He slowly glanced up. "It was yours."

"Still is."

"Do you play? In UW?"

"Nah, basketball's more of a hobby for me." RJ paused. "Okay, I'll admit – I thought you quit because you were scared that my school would crush yours."

"Spartans have never been afraid of the Wolves," Edward said dryly.

"Oh?" RJ's lips tipped up into an openmouthed smirk as he punched the younger boy on the bicep. "Then was it that you were scared that _I'll_ crush _you_?"

Edward's eyes flashed. "Never."

RJ's face cleared into smooth, intimidating mask. "Show me."

Then suddenly, both boys were giving subtle yet obvious glimpses my way.

I didn't think RJ was surprised when Edward replied, "It's on."

* * *

><p>On the way to the basketball court just couple of blocks from the diner, RJ kept me by his side and talked to me.<p>

He was funny. And nice.

He was twenty years old, planning to major in some kind of engineering back at the university, and was an alumnus of the high school – Forks High's rival school, in fact – in Port Angeles.

And he was different from Edward. He was sweet – although sometimes a bit crude like any other boy – and I could actually guess at what he was thinking and get it right.

Right now, I was guessing that he was somewhat attracted to me.

In a way, perhaps I returned that attraction; RJ was commandingly gorgeous, in that gregariously confident way that demanded every girl's attention. And at this minute, he was – successfully – demanding mine.

But it was Edward Cullen for me. It'd always been.

Edward was just Edward, sexy and sedate and everything an irresistibly charming young boy should be.

I couldn't help but gaze longingly at the redheaded boy walking a few feet ahead of me, relaxed and tired, with fists shoved in his jeans.

Not once did he stop or turn to look at me.

Did he even care that an older guy – who was as good-looking as himself, in fact – was shamelessly flirting with me?

I sighed gently before looking up at the fair-headed boy instead. "So it's winter break for you too?"

"Yep." RJ's dimples deepened with the smile on his face. "Some of my relatives live in Forks, so I'm visiting for a few weeks. I missed the La Push beach too. My favorite place. Been there?"

"Oh, yeah, but it's not really _my_ favorite place at the moment."

He laughed. "Why?"

Even by the time we reached the old court, he was insisting that I share the little happening between the thugs and me.

A lone basketball was tucked by the curb, and sitting on the ground, I rolled it away.

"Come on," RJ complained, even pouting, and caught the ball with his foot. "You can't start it and then just leave me hanging like that!"

I shot Edward a look, but he wasn't even facing my direction.

I kept the details to the minimum and purposefully omitted how Edward saved the day. I was _still_ watching for any reaction from him…

None.

"Were you hurt?" RJ asked absentmindedly, now dribbling the ball and shooting for the hoop.

I watched in admiration as the orange object fluidly glided through the net, and retrieving it, he began to walk toward me with one arched eyebrow.

"Not really," I finally answered, gathering my legs together and placing my arms on the knees.

"You should learn some self-defense."

"That's not a bad idea at all." I sniffed, chuckling under my breath. "You know any moves?"

"Self-defense is for _women_, Bella."

I giggled. "Of course you boys would say that."

"Did they touch you?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, but nothing too bad." I shuddered at the memory, though, and laughed breathily. "But I guess it was bad enough – they were _pretty _close."

"Hmm."

RJ was looming closer and closer, and when our feet touched, he crouched down a little and leaned forward – his mouth almost just a breath distance away from my own –

"This close?"

Then in a minute, he was gone and tipped backward on his bottom, muttering a curse word. Standing over him was Edward.

"You gonna play or what?" Edward said, for the shortest second looking at me. "I haven't got all night."

"Didn't have to pull me like that, man," RJ laughed as he adjusted the hood of his sweater where Edward had pulled.

I was a little out of breath as RJ kept shooting glimpses in my direction. He obviously liked my startled expression, and I briefly wondered if he was so bold that he would have closed the distance if Edward hadn't interrupted.

Then Edward, reflecting RJ's smirk, stole the ball. He shot it toward the basket, and the ball sank right through; he made it look so easy.

He began to dribble, waiting, taunting. "But I always play dirty, RJ."

"Oh, definitely." RJ stepped back into the court. "I know all about that."

* * *

><p>The night was freezing cold, but I could neither move nor take my eyes away.<p>

This was supposed to be a friendly game, wasn't it?

But Edward and RJ were so aggressive in their playing like any other competitive, talented athlete would be.

Their skills – although with different merits – made the two neck-and-neck.

Edward was lithe, quick; he had this exceptional spring in his defense moves and knew the perfect timing to the jumps, a skill which he'd probably mastered while playing volleyball.

RJ was more skillful and experienced, and he would have many three-point throws from behind the line.

But both of their aims were close to perfect, like they knew exactly how the ball would land in the basket.

Most startling of all, though, was that I'd never seen the kind of competitive edge in Edward's eyes. Not during the volleyball games. And definitely not during that baseball game. He was giving it all.

And I didn't even know why they were so fiercely engaged in the game – sweating, grunting, panting.

And weirdly, neither was keeping points.

Boys.

"How's Mr. Masen doing?" RJ asked breathlessly at one point, throwing the ball.

I anxiously waited for the storm, but Edward took it well.

"Haven't heard from him for a long time," he answered without revealing any emotion. "I don't even know if he's alive."

Ten minutes in, RJ shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it on the curb.

Edward followed the example, but neatly handed it to me.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," I whispered up to him.

He ignored me.

I was no basketball fan, but I knew that the way they kept shoving and hustling each other off was not a clean play. All was a foul. Everything.

I cringed when RJ lost balance and rolled over, ending up with his back on the ground as Edward got the basketball.

Edward laughed, dribbling away. "You all right, man?"

It was silent and then – "Cullen."

"What?"

"I heard you got yourself a new girl."

With that, Edward faltered and the ball he threw jounced off the basket rim and bounced onto the middle of the courtyard.

"Introduce me to her, eh?" RJ sat up, eyes still as he cast them on me. "Or have I met her already?"

Edward faced his friend and slanted his body forward, hands on his knees.

"I wasn't born yesterday, boy." The blond boy checked the ball now. Dribble. Dribble. Still looking at me. "She the reason you haven't been laid in the last few months?"

Edward suddenly looked livid. "Keep her out of this."

That was when RJ roughly surged forward. All of a sudden, the two were in a tangled mess in defense and offense and –

"Guys, stop it!" I yelled desperately, standing up in shock and rushing forward before I even knew it.

Edward was the one knocked out this time, his chest rising and falling, his breaths coming out as white puffs in the cold air. Exhausted, he scrambled up a sit and propped an elbow on his bent knee.

"Are you okay?" I frantically stooped beside him and tipped his still mildly injured wrist from side to side, sighing when he didn't flinch. "Remember what the nurse said? You're still in the recovering stage. Don't overdo this."

"You're messed up, Cullen." It was RJ. Eyes narrowed, he stalked closer to us. "What a hypocrite."

Edward looked very uncomfortable, and I suddenly wondered a little anxiously about what was going on when the older boy's cruel smile transformed into an amused one.

"Bella."

"Yes?"

"Don't waste your time on him," the older boy advised coldly. "He just wants the sex, and you're the pretty, young, virginal girl that gets his dick hard. His plan? Woo you out of your pants. My advice? Run."

My heart was racing. I didn't know why. I didn't know how. I knew that I shouldn't listen to the words, but I was actually straining to hear more and… and _believing_ what was being said –

RJ's hand reached out, sweeping my long hair off my shoulder, when another hand that belonged to neither him nor me slapped it off.

Edward.

"Mine," he said quietly, hanging an around my neck and possessively shoving my body closer to him. "Believe me – I know she's all kinds of cute, but not for you to touch."

RJ seemed genuinely surprised. "What is this? Edward Cullen actually cares? Groundbreaking."

"Please, RJ," Edward murmured, eyes intense. "Stop."

"Oh?"

"Rose…" Edward swallowed thickly, licking his lip. His hand closed more tightly around my shoulder. "Despite what you think, she still matters. Still everything. I would never forget her."

I thought my heart stopped.

RJ threw the ball and Edward caught it in the chest with a small grunt.

"If you think this is just about Rose, then you're seriously mistaken. After all, I'm the one she chose in the end. No, this is about you and me, bro. Shit just got real, huh?" RJ knocked a forefinger on Edward's cheek, and somewhere in my mind, I thought that the gesture – despite so much violence tonight – was the most degrading, humiliating thing he'd done to Edward so far. "See you around, kid. The game's not over, by the way. See you, Bella."

As I stared after RJ as he vanished down the street, things finally fell into place.

The boy who won the girl over. The one who stole her away from another boy.

The girl whom the two boys fought for.

One of them her ex-boyfriend.

Someone who she cheated with.

Edward.

Rosalie.

RJ…

And RJ.

* * *

><p>"<em>That your girl, bro?"<em>

"_No."_

"Bella…"

I threw Edward his jacket and swiftly turned to the exit.

"_You don't mind, do you, Edward?"_

"_Why would I."_

"Bella, listen to me. Let me explain!"

_Explain what? _I thought bitterly. _What more can be there? _Is_ there more to revealed?_

If yes, I didn't know if I could take it.

"Bella," I heard him say from right behind me, grabbing my shoulder and spinning me toward him. "Calm down!"

Calm down?

"I will not calm down, Edward!" I said loudly, wrenching off. "I've _been _calm! Not anymore. I'm sick of surprises! I'm sick of all this!"

"Don't be an idiot."

"I'm an idiot?" I was in disbelief. "So when say your dead ex-girlfriend still means everything to you, I'm supposed to be perfectly calm? I'm supposed to be okay?"

"I didn't mean that –"

"_What a hypocrite."_

"You lied to me." Quick tears slipped down my cheek, and I let them be. "You told me she's nothing –"

"When I said that, I meant –"

"First with the yearbook couple thing, then denying the fact that I'm your girlfriend, and now this?"

"Bella –"

"Are you…" I sucked in a deep breath and tried to look at him square in the eye but failed. I had never felt so crushed in my life. "Are you ashamed of me?"

"No, Bella," he whispered, tugging on my fingers like a desperate child. "You have it all wrong. Trust me. Not for one moment did I…"

I saw his fingers wrap around my fingers, all anxious and scared.

"_He just wants the sex."_

His face fell when I – surprising the both of us – stepped back and ripped his hand off.

For a minute, I thought about the things we shared in my bed earlier in the day, and all I saw was red. Anger. Embarrassment.

I felt like I could vomit.

"Don't touch me," I told him quietly. "I'm not yours –" _although it feels like I am. _"I'm not your plaything."

"Jesus." He screwed his eyes close and opened them again, eyes fiercer than before. "I'm telling you that you're not! You never were!"

"Yeah? Then how many walls do I have to break down before I see the real you?" I asked angrily. "I ask myself that every single day, but I never have the answer. But do you know what scares me more? It's that I don't think I will ever get one! Do you know how much it _kills_ me now that I realize that you were serious when you said I'll probably never have you? How much it annoys me that you never tell me a thing, and whenever I do discover something, it has to be through someone else? How stupid I feel because – …" _I still ended up as the girl, so foolish, who fell for an unavailable person. _"Why don't you see that? Why –"

"Would you listen to me?" he yelled back, looking around frantically and one hand flying to grapple his hair. "Everything I do and say – it's because I don't want to lose you! I want you to be Bella and just Bella. I don't want anyone to associate you to Rose or see you as the next one in line after her. That's what everyone in the school thinks – what everyone in this town thinks – what RJ thinks, all right? And I don't want that anymore! Can't _you _see _that_?"

"Then what about you? Do _you _associate me to her?" I whispered brokenly. "Do you, Edward?"

He didn't answer – couldn't, it seemed.

And my body felt drained, as if he had taken away all my energy. As if he thrived off that energy. Taking away just enough so that he could come back again and again. And hurt me again and again.

But I had already come so far.

It was too late to go back.

But I didn't know if I could keep on forward either; I still had miles to go. How in the world was I supposed to narrow the distance if I was already so exhausted?

Tired. So tired. I wanted to give up.

Edward's hand slowly went up to caress my cheek, wiping off another tear just as it spilled over.

Head ducked, I pounded both of my fists on his chest.

"You're so selfish," I whispered to the ground. "You're so greedy. You're so manipulative. And I… I hate –" _love _"– you so, so much."

He didn't reply as he dragged my hands away from his shirt and angled his face to the side.

He left a kiss on my mouth.

I shut my eyes, clenching my jaw.

His lips moved quietly and gently, as his hold on my hip tensed.

"Why won't you kiss me back?" he murmured against my lips.

I kept my body still.

His lips slanted down to my neck. "Are you punishing me?"

"I don't know," I mumbled. "Maybe I am."

Little he knew. It was _he_ who was punishing _me_.

* * *

><p>I walked home, and it took me twenty minutes in the cold night.<p>

It was the first time in a long while that Edward wasn't dropping me off.

It was the first time he actually let me be.

It was liberating. It hurt me too.

"You were with him again, weren't you? Honey, Edward Cullen has to go."

Charlie, my dad.

I glared at him, not even bothering to sit on the couch. "He's not going anywhere. He's part of my life."

And it was true.

"He's going to do you no good, young lady. You don't want anything to hold you down in this town, and the last thing you need is a looker like him. Now you be smart and stop seeing him and keep your grades up until you graduate. There's a whole world out there waiting. Better boys too."

Charlie called my name many times as I climbed the stairs and locked the door behind me.

He heavily knocked on the wood, but I continued to ignore him. I kept the lights off so he would think I was asleep, and with the way he later sighed and retired, I assumed it worked.

On my bed, I checked my phone – no messages, no calls, no nothing.

Of course.

I closed my eyes, waiting aimlessly, waiting for his phone call…

I swore I had my eyes shut for merely a second when the phone buzzed in my hand.

"Hello?" I whispered sleepily and checked the time: exactly midnight. I had dozed off for two hours? "Who's this?"

"It's me." Edward. "Would your dad kill me if I tried to climb over your window?"

I sighed. "What makes you think I'll let you in?"

He laughed weakly. "I guess that's a no."

I nervously peered at the veranda. "Please tell me you're not outside my house."

"I'm not." Pause. "Was about to drive over, though. If you wanted me."

_I always want you._

In the dark and silence, I played with the loose strings hanging off the fabric of the pillow pocket for a moment before shrugging out of the coat I was still wearing.

"Are you okay?" he finally murmured.

Stupid question.

_Don't act like you're worried. Leave me alone. Stop playing tricks. Go away. Stop hurting me._

"Yeah – hey, Edward?" Lying back down, I rubbed my face and sighed. "I'm tired. I want to sleep."

"Oh. All right."

I could tell he was about to hang up – "Wait."

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you call me – earlier?" I whispered.

"You never called either."

My eyes stung until they got a bit wet. "Right. Good night."

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"I know you're mad. I know you hate me. I'm sorry."

The things he said killed me. "I'm not mad." I blinked away. "And I don't hate you."

_I love you, you idiot._

"That's… that's good. Okay, I'll let you go now."

Oh, it sounded like he meant something more.

Sniffling, I pulled the phone closer. No. "I'm not tired anymore."

He hesitated. "But you don't want to talk to me."

I didn't. "Still. Don't hang up."

"You're a strange, strange girl, Bella Swan."

Then the next thing I heard was not the sound of his voice but the sound of his piano and the beautiful notes.

He was playing to me from over the distance.

Quietly, I put my phone on speaker mode and let it sit in front of my feet.

Gathering my legs together, I buried my face in my folded arms and wept as quietly as I could. I allowed myself to be upset, because no one could see me.

And morning came with his text:

_I try, but sometimes I just can't. I'm sorry. I want to try harder. Let me. -Edward_

I rolled over on the bed and slammed the phone on my bedroom drawer.

He told me I was important to him.

That proclamation had warmed me then. But now I had to wonder what exactly he meant.

God, this was getting nowhere – because this was supposed to effortless. I thought being in love, be it just one person alone or both people, was supposed to be simple falling into it. So why did I have to work so hard? Why did _he _have to work so hard on _not_ falling? Why couldn't he just fall back?

I wanted to stop.

But we had already come so far.

And it was too late to go back.

* * *

><p>Our miserable, darling relationship.<p>

You, Edward Cullen.

Why did you have to happen at the wrong time?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> Pretty angsty, I think. Oh, is Edward annoying you? What do you think he should do? What do you think Bella should do?

See ya!

Sarah

P.S. I watched Les Miserables, the movie! I'd been so excited about this for almost an entire year (dare I say, more than I was with BD2), and I'm so glad it didn't fail me. Gah.

P.P.S. I got accepted into Georgetown University. Never been happier :)


	24. Chapter 23

**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE**

* * *

><p>It had been two day since RJ happened, and Edward was going to be here any minute to pick me up.<p>

I hadn't seen him in those two days, and now a date with him, Mike, and Emmett?

I was nervous.

What could I do?

What would I do?

What should I do?

With each tick of the clock, it became clearer and clearer.

The worst part of this situation was that neither Edward nor I was aware of what was going on. It wasn't just me who didn't know him; he didn't know me either. We didn't know what the other was thinking, and yet we were trying to make decisions based on instinct, feelings, and information that were all too unclear.

On my part, I was scared to tell him my feelings just in case he didn't feel the same way. But now that I knew how he felt, I didn't know what to do.

_Ready to go? –Edward_

_Give me five. –Bella._

* * *

><p>It took me thirty.<p>

Outside my house, I was shivering and pulling my scarf closer around me when I reached his car.

The window by the driver's seat was rolled down, and inside was Edward –

"Ed –" I called out before stopping myself.

He was sleeping, with earphones plugged into his ears. I could almost hear the lyrics to the music he was listening to.

He must have fallen asleep while waiting.

Quietly, I crouched down and placed my arms and face on the opened window.

His elbow was latched on the sill, and I held his dangling hand and traced each of his fingers.

It was as if all along, Edward and I were trying much too hard. I couldn't believe I was realizing this only now.

Edward used all he had to destroy me, while I used all I had to not fall in love with him.

He was stronger than I.

His finger twitched, and I straightened my back.

Stirring, he cracked open one eye and tugged on one earbud. "Bella?"

"I'm here," I whispered after clearing my throat.

"Am I drooling?"

I laughed a little and shook my head.

All disoriented and yawning, he pulled his driver's seat back to the sitting position and checked the time.

His eyes shimmered in the streetlights.

"Why do you girls take so long to get ready?"

"Because we want to look nice for the boys."

"Boys?"

I smiled. "Me, just one boy. Just you."

"But you already look so lovely." His finger brushed against my curled eyelashes, rouged cheek, tinted lips, and freshly ironed hair. "All the time."

His stare was so soft, mellow, that it made my stomach knot.

"What are you staring at?" I whispered.

"Who else?" Humming, he bent forward and kissed the top of my head. "You're like nothing else in the world."

I couldn't respond to that, because what he said was singularly the most romantic and wounding thing to me.

"It's freezing," he murmured, thumb on my cheekbone. "Get in."

So I climbed in through the other side, and he greeted me once more with a long, drawn-out kiss.

It felt like "I'm sorry."

I kissed him back this time, but there was no "it's okay" in mine.

All the way to the diner, I stayed silent; if I opened my mouth to speak, I knew I'd start to sob and cry instead and never be able to stop.

* * *

><p>"Bella? Bella!"<p>

"Yes?" I screeched, looking up alertly as the table shook from under my elbows.

Mike and Emmett stopped quaking the dining table and exchanged looks before bursting out in a boisterous laugh.

"Not funny," I protested lightly, nervously carding a hand down my hair. "You scared the heck out of me."

"Girl. Concentrate!" Emmett teased and snapped his fingers in front of me. "We're talking important basketball strategies for next week! Top secret stuff!"

"Sorry, I don't know much about sports," I said honestly before looking around.

"Are we boring you?" It was Mike, eyes narrowed the slightest bit. "And Edward's on the phone."

I turned red and looked down.

"You're still coming, right?" Emmett asked, as a flicker of hope lit up in his eyes. "You promised me."

"Yep. Edward's coming too."

Mike quietly sipped some of his water and set the glass back down. "I will always wonder how you pulled that off."

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "He basically swore he'd never come to the basketball games."

"Oh." Feeling somewhat spiteful, I played with my unused silverware. "Is it because of that RJ guy?"

Both Mike and Emmett widened their eyes in surprise, then groaned, and it was Emmett who spoke: "Now we know he's in town, eh, Mike?"

Then Mike was looking at me. "If you were in Edward's shoes, wouldn't you avoid all chance of meeting your nemesis?"

"Sure." But I really wasn't. "I get it: Edward feels guilty about all that… you know…" Uncomfortable about the subject I brought up, I distractedly waved a hand in front of me. "You know what I mean."

"What, Edward? Guilty? Never!" Emmett chuckled nervously. "It's his ego, Bella. No guy takes it well when a girl plays around."

"What? Who played around?"

"Rosalie was trying to get back with Royce," Emmett explained, eyes far away and his sentence trailing off weirdly.

I looked at Mike frantically. "Who's Royce?"

"I thought you met him. RJ?"

My heart was pounding as my mind tried to process this new information.

Then Mike was clumsily nudging Emmett, and it was as though they only now saw the sheer shock on my face – only now registering that I didn't know about this.

I seemed collected, almost in control, on the outside, but every part of me was unraveling.

"Bella…" Mike went off, warning me. "You didn't hear this from us."

Before I could answer, the diner door tinkled and Edward rushed in.

"What did I miss?" he said, genuinely clueless and brushing snow off his shoulders, as he sat down next to me.

"Nothing," the three of us said in unnatural unison.

I barely nodded Mike my okay.

* * *

><p>"Bella?"<p>

"What?" I said sharply before softening my voice as I saw Edward arch one eyebrow. "Sorry, what is it?"

"You're going to the bonfire night tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah." I was distracted; I hardly heard him and continued to walk. "I'll see you there tomorrow."

He grabbed my wrist. "What?"

I stilled. "What?"

He raised his eyebrow again. "What, am I just supposed to meet you there? You definitely know how to make a guy feel useful."

I watched him, feeling lightheaded as everything from what happened during the last two nights suddenly overwhelmed me once more.

Two feelings rushed through me, one familiar and the other wholly unfamiliar, and I couldn't think.

Familiar – because something about Edward always made my heart beat faster, made me yearn for more, made my senses heighten. Sexual attraction, that was what it was, and with that gorgeous smile…

Somehow, even standing in the midst of the crisscrossing people in the parking lot felt intimate if he was touching me.

My breath caught, and I stepped away and broke the connection.

And he was watching me in return – cautiously – and the dim light was not enough for me to identify what he was thinking… not that I ever guessed right.

His eyes suddenly glanced down at his empty hand, as though he didn't like that I had broken apart.

And then there was the unfamiliar – I couldn't identify what that was either.

Milder than hatred. But harsher than indifference.

For some reason, I was able to remind myself of all his countless flaws and how he was so very wrong for me – all the reasons I should not like him.

I kissed his shoulder gently. "You don't have to try so hard. I don't need false chivalry."

And the way a crease formed between his brows made me want to take back my words – almost.

"I actually want to talk to Mike for a sec. I'll get a ride from him, okay? Bye, Edward."

I never gave him the chance to respond.

* * *

><p>"Rosalie only dated Edward to make Royce jealous."<p>

I shut my eyes close.

"Edward…" Mike whistled, as is recalling something. "He quite literally gave everything to her, and no one would expect that from a guy like him, you know? And she treated him like crap."

No.

"Well, I'm guessing you two aren't doing so hot right now?" he asked rhetorically. "But don't give Edward such a hard time. He's probably just holding back to protect himself."

"Maybe," I murmured, blindly waving Emmett goodbye and his car slid by us. "And you were right, Mike."

"Ah, you're finally listening to me now?"

I grinned weakly and slapped his arm. "Stop being so darn sarcastic."

"Me? Sarcastic? No!"

I rolled my eyes, but inside, I really appreciated his humor.

"Bella." He frowned a bit. "You okay?"

"I think so."

"Did Captain hurt you?"

The way he was inspecting my body made me scowl. "Not in the way you think?"

Mike shrugged. And when I smiled, he seemed relieved that I was still able to do that.

"But… it's true," I told him quietly, serious again. "I wish I'd heard you out more. Stupid me."

He patted my head, blue eyes warming. "It was your judgment."

"Yeah, you told me that before. And turns out, it was bad judgment on my part." Jaded and wasted, I laughed hollowly. "I don't think I can do it anymore, Mike. I'm actually on the brink of giving up."

Mike began to laugh along with me then stopped abruptly. "Wait, what?"

"It's unfair." I sounded sad even in my own ears. "I don't think he realizes that I'm not _her. _But I'd already given him everything, and he…"

"You gave him what?" The suggestive smirk on Mike's face widened as he scanned me head to toe. His eyes lingered on my chest. "Hmm."

I cowered and blushed red. "You boys are disgusting."

Mike held his hands up and covered his eyes, but he was grinning with all his teeth. "Sorry, sorry! Couldn't help it! I swear I wasn't picturing you naked!"

"Yeah, whatever." I began to laugh again, although nervously. "Besides, Edward and I… we haven't… you know…"

"Never asked ya." He snickered then stopped. "Wait, he hasn't fucked you yet?"

I glared.

"I meant –" He cleared his throat. "He hasn't slept with you yet?"

I looked away, embarrassed. "No."

"What? _Whoa_. Kudos to Edward. And to you."

Then it was awkward between us.

"So." Mike looked at me. "Do you like him?"

"Of course."

"Love him?"

"What?" I blinked and kicked at the cement. "Yeah."

"Okay," he said slowly. "Why do you sound so unsure?"

"Because I am unsure?" I shook my head. "The problem, though, is that Edward's not even in the unsure stage like I am."

"Look. You have to understand something." He sighed loudly. "Let's put it this way: if he never loves you, you can never break his heart. That's how Edward Cullen is functioning at the moment."

I blinked up at the blond boy, shocked once by his wisdom and twice by the truthfulness in his words.

Mike groaned as he took in the awed look I gave him. "All right, pretend I never said that. I sound like a complete sap."

"No, that – that makes a lot of sense."

He tapped his temple, smirking all cute and flirty.

I giggled a bit before glancing down awkwardly. "Mike?"

"Hey, Bella."

"I told Edward you were going to give me a ride…"

"Gotcha." He instantly opened his car door for me, and when he situated himself behind the wheel, he turned to me. "Bella?"

I sighed to myself. "Mike?"

"Since your world is about to explode…" He smirked. "You wanna come over to my place and get drunk? My parents aren't home, and I swear I don't hit on inebriated, taken girls."

I thought about Charlie first then Edward second.

I shrugged and smiled back. "Why not? And thanks for listening to my rant, by the way. Maybe I told you more than I should, but I wouldn't be able to tell this to anyone else."

"Oh, I know. Emmett, for one, is definitely out of question." He glimpsed at me as he started the car, his eyes full of mischief. "He's so into you, it's driving _me _crazy."

"How did you know? That Emmett…"

He only smiled.

Once more, I couldn't hide my awe. "You're so observant."

"Yep." The look in his eyes turned quite deadly. "Unlike some people."

"You actually seem to understand." The image of my dad popped into my head, and I groaned. "At least the kinds of things I'm going through."

"But no one _has_ to understand – whatever it is between you and Edward. After all, it's a problem between a girl and a boy in a relationship, and no one else has the right to be involved, in my opinion."

I snorted. "You sounded like a sap again just now, by the way."

He grinned. "Just for you."

"Thanks, Mike," I whispered.

He hesitated before glimpsing at me. "You're welcome, Swan."

* * *

><p>Rosalie.<p>

Royce.

Emmett.

Mike.

Charlie.

Edward.

Edward Cullen.

I sighed.

My head hurt so much.

_I feel as if someone ran me over. Your shots are… Never again. Thanks, my slippery friend. –Bella_

_You are very welcome ;) –Mike._

* * *

><p>Snow was sticking to the ground.<p>

The roads were icy.

The trees were white.

_You're still coming tonight? –Edward_

Then the migraine disappeared, only to be replaced by a new one.

_Yeah. –Bella_

* * *

><p>8:16 AM. Buzz.<p>

_What did I do wrong last night? –Edward_

_Nothing. –Bella_

_Don't lie to me. –Edward._

_You can't say that. You lie to me all the time. -Bella_

* * *

><p>8:46 AM. Buzz.<p>

_Talk to me. –Edward_

_Is it because of that other night? Still mad? I'm sorry. -Edward_

* * *

><p><em>It's okay. I forg <em>– backspace.

_I've been thinking, and I don't think I can do this any – _backspace.

_Go away and leave me al _– backspace.

_I love y _– backspace.

_It's enough that I lost my pride – _backspace.

My fingers traced the buttons. It took me longer than it should to type the two words.

_Again, liar. -Bella_

Send.

* * *

><p>9:03 AM. Buzz.<p>

_I know. –Edward_

* * *

><p>9:20 AM. Buzz.<p>

_I know Charlie's home, but I'll be there by 11. Come out and see me. –Edward_

* * *

><p>11:01 AM. Buzz.<p>

_I'm here. –Edward_

* * *

><p>11:13 AM. Buzz.<p>

_I'm going to stay for as long as it takes. –Edward_

_I'll explain. –Edward_

* * *

><p>11:19 AM. Buzz.<p>

_I'll try at least. –Edward_

* * *

><p>I hated feeling like an emotional wreck.<p>

It always made me feel useless, stupid, pathetic. It made me think too much when I didn't want to – when things were in reality so obvious that a lot of thinking was unnecessary in the first place.

* * *

><p>1:44 AM. Buzz.<p>

_Don't give up on me. –Edward_

If I had the strength, I would crush my phone and throw it out the window, far, far away.

* * *

><p>Five till six.<p>

I peeked out the window through my curtain, expecting to see nothing but realizing I was wrong and doing a double take. I was genuinely caught off guard to still see the silver car, all hidden and parked behind the woods beside my house.

_You are so frustrating. You don't give up, do you. –Bella_

_Never! –Edward_

I actually smiled a little.

_Just leave… I'll be there tonight. -Bella_

With that, I sent another message.

_Isn't it a bit too late to be the romantic boyfriend? –Bella_

_I'm not trying to be anything. Just Edward. And I want you to be just Bella too. –Edward_

On my toes, I craned my neck. I still couldn't see him beyond the tinted windows of his car, but he was there for sure.

_I miss you. -Edward_

I felt my heart in my throat.

Immediately sending back a response, I pulled a wool sweater over my head and rushed out the door.

_I miss you too. -Bella_

* * *

><p>"Bella," Edward breathed my name, as if relieved, nosing my hair and breathing me in when I hopped into his arms.<p>

Being an emotional wreck always felt like a slap on the cheek. Like a good dose of the cold, cold reality.

I squeezed my eyes close, tears drooping out just a bit, and held his body impossibly closer to mine.

Then as my legs tightened around his stomach, he grunted and faltered back to his car and rested both of us against it.

"I was so planning on a long silent treatment." Suddenly, I felt all kinds of foolish and quickly tried to wipe off the tears before he saw them. "But of course it only lasted this long."

"Pretty damn long, in my opinion." He carefully set me down and draped his arms around my waist so casually, naturally, possessively that it made my heart race. "Absolute torture."

"Why are you even here? I told you I'll meet you there."

"You were upset."

"I still am." I sniffed and shivered. "Obviously."

"Why?"

I eyed him, giving him a look.

Edward raised his hands in surrender, but the rueful smile suggested that he really was regretful.

But about what? Did he even know why I was upset?

Then he studied my body and ushered me into his car. "Why are you half-naked? Not that I object."

"I'm not half-naked." I rolled my sweater up to my stomach and flashed him my shorts as I got cozy inside. He shut the door behind us. "So you didn't answer my question, really."

But he simply held my cold, fisted hands up to his lips and blew hot air into them. His eyes never left mine, and I blushed.

"I guess I should have made an excuse to get here. That's how it's usually done, right?" he asked softly and smiled sweetly. "But I decided I should do more of the boyfriend stuff. Including stupidly waiting for my angry girlfriend for hours."

And he kissed my nose.

And this minute, he was the perfect boyfriend.

But I didn't need fake perfect. I needed perfectly honest.

"Edward, stop," I protested, reluctantly pushing his shoulders off and scooting away to the other side of the car. Distance was what I needed. "We need to talk."

"We _are_ talking."

I shook my head like a little girl. "No. You know what I mean."

He hid his eyes, but he was smiling. "This can't be good."

"I just need you to be Edward," I whispered, leaning forward on my palms and attempting to get his attention. "I'll be Bella, in return. Okay? Just like you asked. Just like you want me. But you really do have to be honest with me. Just this once, at least. Please." I lowered my gaze. "_Please._"

He glimpsed at me, and fear was more evident than any other emotion.

Still, he said, "Okay."

And then I realized that there were just so many things to ask.

_Why is Rosalie so special?_

_What's going on between you and RJ – Royce?_

_How did she die?_

_Why do you like me anyway?_

I tiredly ran a hand through my haggard hair and rubbed a finger under my eye.

_What am I to you?_

"I didn't like that you and I got selected as this year's best-looking couple because Rosalie and I were selected last year."

I was frozen, so caught off guard and thinking for a second that I heard it wrong.

"I was ashamed of myself, not you," Edward continued, words fast. "It felt like I wasn't being fair to both Rose and you."

He was watching me now.

"Wow." I traced my bottom lip with my tongue. "That's not… not what I expected."

"It made me look like a bad person." He shrugged and turned on the ignition so the heater would be running. Or maybe to have the sound of the engine fill the thick silence. "Did you know a lot of the people in school look at me differently now?"

"But you're not a bad person." I took in a deep breath. "I don't look at you any differently. So my question is, whose opinion do you value more? Those people's or mine?"

He got me and grinned. "Touche."

I smiled. "It's true."

In the awkward silence that followed, my fingers trembled. I felt more and more insecure, and I suddenly wanted him to hold me. No more distance.

"Who's RJ?" I asked at last.

His eyes avoided my probing gaze. "I thought you figured that out already."

My heart clenched.

So I was right.

While things weren't clear enough, in so much chaos, that little clarity meant so much.

"Just tell me everything," I whispered.

"I thought you have that figured out too."

I shook my head.

"What you know is all there is."

"Are you sure?" I eyed him carefully, as a dangerous emotion started to build up inside me. "Because what I know is that you took Rosalie from RJ and that RJ is still hung up on the fact that you did. I also know that Rosalie… cheated on you with him in the end."

I chose my words with caution, and I was relieved when he nodded without a wince.

Then my voice turned icy. "What I also know is that you still love her."

Silence.

He breathed deeply. "And that's all."

"Are you sure?" I asked again, desperate, because I wanted him to say no and explain what I found out last night. If he said no now, he wouldn't be lying. "You're telling me the truth. Right?"

No hesitation. "Yeah."

I felt dizzy, and I put a hand to my forehead and looked down at my boots. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Go on."

"What am I to you?" But I'd already asked him that. "No – what do you think _you_ are to _me_?"

"Someone you're pissed at?"

I managed to laugh, although it sounded forced.

"Bella." His smile was so soft, so boy. "I'm sure you know that it's hard for me to know what's going on inside my own head."

"So you're confused." It wasn't a question. "You don't know for sure."

"I guess so."

"I have more questions."

"Yeah?"

"Is Rosalie important to you?"

He hesitated then – "Yes."

"Are you in love with her still?" I said, sounding crueler that I should.

"Yes."

It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would.

Maybe I'd always known that he was never mine to lose.

"So you lied to me?"

"Yes. But –"

"Just yes or no." I met his eyes fully. "No maybe's. No sorry's. No excuses."

He parted his legs and rested his elbows on them, nodding slightly.

"Am I more than a friend to you?"

"Yes."

Damn it. Why was I letting him play with me like this?

Edward must be a sadist. Every yes he said was a dagger in me.

"Do you want me to be your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

I was about to ask why. But no, only yes or no questions.

"Do you… like me?"

He cracked a smile. "A definite yes."

If he asked, I'd be his.

And he was contradicting himself. "Are you in love with me?"

His eyes were suddenly alert; it was as if he was shocked that I would ask that.

True. It was uncharacteristic of me.

Then –

"No." His voice didn't rise once. "I'm not in love with you."

I ignored the sting. "Is there any chance that you will?"

His gaze warmed. "Yes."

My heart fluttered.

"Can I ask you one thing too, Bella?"

My heart was pounding now.

The leather squeaked as he slid forward, and he grabbed my hips so we were directly facing each other – so I wouldn't run away.

"I wonder if you can give me the answer now," he began quietly. "What do you want from me, Bella Swan?"

Then I was blinking and looking at everything and nothing, and he was holding my chin and never taking his eyes off my face – as if he was forcing me to maintain the eye contact.

"I want…" A short, weary, dejected sigh as well as a tear escaped me. "I want you to expect something from me, as I expect something from you. I want you to stop hurting and using me so much, because I'm so darn wasted now and sometimes I feel like I can throw up. I want to be more than important to you. And I want you to stop lying to me. I want _you _to want _me._"

Saying it out loud felt liberating.

"I see," he said blankly, hand falling.

"Funny, isn't it? I was ready to give you everything, but you took all that away already, too fast. And now, I have nothing more to give. I wish I _had_ more to give you, just to have you." I choked on a little sob. God, I sounded pathetic. "This is all I have, and I don't know if I have anything else to offer. And I'm scared you'll just throw me away."

And it was as if someone had slapped his across the face.

He was apologizing, over and over.

But I wasn't even angry; why was he sorry? He didn't do anything wrong – not really. Maybe he lied a few times, but for the most part, he'd been blatantly obvious. He'd warned me many times.

It was always me who was so naïve – in self-denial.

"I'm so sorry," he said, kissing my wet cheek.

_Can't you tell me "I love you" instead?_

"I never wanted to hurt you, Bella…"

_But look how deep the wound is._

"I wish you'd have given me just five minutes." I swallowed, screwing my eyes close. I couldn't breathe. "Just five minutes to consider me."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop _saying _that!" I yelled at last. "Because I know you're not! And what do you want me to say anyway? Because I can't say I'm okay! You know that too! I _know_ you do!"

_The many times I cried, what were _you _doing?_

"I need…" Edward's eyes were perfectly dry, and that hurt me. "I just need more time."

It was getting hot inside the car, with tears down my face and my chest rising and falling harshly.

No. No. No.

"I can't – I can't do this anymore. No matter how hard I try to look the other way, I always end up with you." I said the words before I realized I was even thinking of them. "It's your turn to find me."

I was reaching for the door when he stopped me.

"So you're just going to give up on us?" His eyes were wide, and iciness lodged his voice. "That's it? This is all? This is how this ends?"

"Was there ever an us?" I said back, my voice equally cold.

His face fell. "Don't run."

"You can't say that, because it was never me." It was me this time who grabbed his chin and yanked him to meet my stare. "It was always _you_ who did the running."

He was at a loss of words, but his hand on me never slacked. If anything, the grip was stronger.

I stared at his unreadable face and then down to his hand tightly wrapped around my bicep.

I bit my trembling lip. "Would you let me if I told you I want to let you go now?"

"No."

"_There's no such thing as letting someone go. What I mean is that one of us just doesn't care as much as the other does."_

But sometimes, you had to let go not because you cared any less – but because _he _cared less.

"Then would _you_ let _me _go?"

"No," he said again.

I felt it again – the energy draining out of me.

"Bella." He was begging me now, and although his eyes weren't crying for me, his voice almost sounded like it was. "I know I'm made of mistakes and all kinds of disappointments. But I promise you. I _promise _you – there's a part of me worth keeping."

We were kissing, then.

He was moving his lips so urgently, locking mine in between his, and it was too much and I couldn't stop him. He was too strong and big, and he didn't need my consent.

"Stop," I said, however, as solidly as I could, but the word drowned. "Stop, please. Stop it."

He wouldn't listen.

My body was trapped as he kissed me hard and deep, licked my teeth, and sucked on my bottom lip – begging, asking, dissuading.

He groaned and moaned, his tongue rolling over mine and kissing me like how a boy would kiss a girl in a bedroom.

I couldn't breathe because he wouldn't stop kissing me.

"I need you to be my friend," I mumbled shakily.

With those words, at last – _at last _– he let me go.

I used the chance to run out.

But he followed.

"Bella, wait!"

The beautiful boy in front of me held my face, so close to his, in his hands, and my stray hair was tangled in between his fingers.

I looked away.

He didn't.

Green eyes, so wild and panicked.

"I love you," he said.

And he was the best liar I'd ever met.

I was frozen, in disbelief, and then I was outraged and shattered.

How could he?

Mustering up as much energy as I could, I pushed him by the chest.

He didn't budge, but I got my point across.

With blushing cheeks, a bruised mouth, snarled hair, cold tears, and a wounded heart, I walked off.

Since that first day we crossed paths, we stumbled upon so many obstacles that forced us apart.

But we would meet again no matter what, only to restart even countless times more despite all the disgusting lies. Then every single time, we would fall back into a kind of misfortune that left me crushed.

I was going to hide from him now. If he ever missed me, it was his turn to look for me_._

* * *

><p>I couldn't feel my fingers, because they were so cold.<p>

I punched in the numbers on my phone and pressed send.

It took me two tries.

"Hello?"

I wiped my eyes. "Mom…"_  
><em>

"Bella? Is that you, honey? Is everything okay?"

"Mommy." I began to sob, finally crumbling into my bed and holding the little device close. "I miss you so much."

"What happened? Bella? Talk to me!"

And my mom was, for the first time, the mom I had always longed for. She let me cry on the phone and didn't question me once until I was okay. As if she knew.

But right before we hung up – "Mom?"

"Bella?"

"How did you fall out of love with dad?"

"I never did. Sometimes… sometimes, though, it just… dies."

* * *

><p>I missed the bonfire.<p>

It was many hours past midnight now, and I was beat and worn out but still couldn't go to sleep.

I couldn't stop thinking about the way he looked at me as I pushed him on the chest one last time.

That song I thought about whenever I thought of him.

That day when he held my hand because it was the normal first step.

That way he would give me that dirty smile, and I would know he was picturing me without any clothes on.

The small but assured voice as he asked me to be his girlfriend.

That way he groaned my name when I put my mouth on him that first time.

The first time we got into a fight. I'd started to cry, and he didn't know what to do and just hugged me.

This time, though, he let me go and I let him go in return.

Maybe I cared too much.

Maybe he didn't care enough.

And maybe I knew that all along.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> Thank you so much for congratulating me on my acceptance! I especially thank you, Rochelle Allison, for tweeting about my story. I'm blown away.

Oh, and I have to get all my applications in by the first of January, so I probably won't be able to update till then :'(. I'll try to update ASAP after that, though!

So! Happy holidays!

Sarah


	25. Chapter 24

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**

* * *

><p>The stadium was a big explosion of vivid gold and blue and of the sounds of hundreds of people, and it made my eyes and ears hurt.<p>

Why was I even here?

There was so much uproar in this room, and I could barely hold my pieces together at home where everything was undisturbed.

"All right, Spartans! The time has finally come." It was Mike, all alone as he stood in the middle of the empty court, with a microphone in hand. He wasn't kidding when he said he did the commentary for all basketball games in town. "Now are you ready?"

"Yeah!" the people cheered at the top of their lungs.

"I said… are you ready?"

He held the microphone out at the crowd.

"Yeah!"

"You absolutely positive?"

This time impatient. "Yeah!"

"Whoa. Chill, guys. Well, all right then, my fellow friends…" Mike shrugged and shot us all his cheeky smirk. "Here they come!"

The pep band began to play as soon as the basketball players bolted out from the locker rooms.

Since it was our home game, the team from Port Angeles High School was introduced first.

Then with the school banner in hand, Emmett led our team out, as was expected. Someone dressed as our Mascot came running out last.

I clapped absentmindedly, only because Jessica was insisting that I stop being so morose.

But she didn't understand.

The only reason I came was to see if _he_ had come.

Stupid me.

Of course he didn't come.

I was pulled out of my daydreams as the buzzer roared.

Just as our school called heads, Emmett's eyes found mine.

His smile was blinding.

I waved back.

Of course.

Of course Edward didn't come.

* * *

><p>"Oh, yeah, baby. Now <em>that's<em> what we call the McCarty-style slam dunk, folks! Beat that, Wolves!" Mike hollered, earning a look of disappointment from the Principal at his side.

Moments later, the buzzer went off for the last time, and everyone in the audience – basically the townspeople – shrieked in victory.

"One hundred three to ninety-eight, one hundred three to ninety-eight," Mike continued confidently as if unaware of the adults looking at him in mild repulsion. His commentary was quite something. "The Wolves are officially _owned_ by the Spartans tonight! This is how we do it – this is how we do it, you mofos!"

Luckily, I didn't think the older teachers knew what the last word meant.

And I would have laughed if it were any other day.

I sighed, looking down.

Edward. _Where are you?_

After about ten minutes of our cheerleaders doing their victory cheer and the players shaking hands, the court was newly flooded with the audience, all having gone to greet the players.

I stayed by the bleachers, though, waiting for the crowd to disperse before going to hunt down Emmett myself.

Through the speakers, someone cleared his throat – Mike, of course.

"Bella Swan, Bella Swan," he said in a comical low baritone, but I couldn't see him because so many people were huddled by his table. "Please report to the commentary table immediately. Captain Emmett McCarty _desperately_ longs for your company."

"What the fuck was that, man – dude – I didn't –" was Emmett's muffled voice on the microphone that followed.

"All right, Swan," Mike said, all kinds of commotion mixing in with the voice, "scratch that. Emmett wants you at the New Year's party tonight – holy shit, McCarty, you did not just –"

Then they were cut off.

I still had it in me to giggle, and that was when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

First thing that across my mind was Edward's name.

"Oh." My face fell as I took in the strikingly blue eyes and the blond hair instead. "It's you."

RJ raised an eyebrow, chuckling. "Now that's not how a girl greets me usually, but okay."

"Sorry, I just…" Sheepish and awkward, I rubbed a hand on my neck. "Well, what brings you here?"

He shrugged. "Just wanted to see how my alma mater basketball team is faring."

I nodded inattentively.

"So where's Edward?"

It hurt to hear his name.

I glimpsed at the boy as he took the seat that was originally Jessica's. He only silently arched his eyebrow again.

I looked away. "Not here."

"Then why are _you _here?"

"Excuse me?"

His stare was unsettling. Too intense, and not the same way I liked it when Edward's was intense.

"Regardless. You going to the New Year's party at Crowley's?" RJ went on, so casually tucking some hair behind my ear that it made me flinch. He didn't seem to notice; if he did, he didn't care. "I'm going to be seeing some of my friends there. Would be great if you were there too."

He had a handsome smile. But it wasn't as handsome as Edward's. Edward would always smile with his entire face –

"Probably." I subtly cowered away. I couldn't help but look at this guy differently now, after all I had learned. To be honest, he scared me. "But only for a little while."

"Aw, no way. You're not a drinker?"

I smirked a little. "My dad's a cop. I don't drink…"

He deadpanned. "If you mean that, you seriously lost some cool points."

"… in public," I finished, laughing now.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Standing back up, he nodded at me in that way only few boys could make it look good, and if this had happened in Phoenix, I might have found myself a new crush. "All right. See you in a few, then."

"Okay. Bye, RJ."

"Call me Royce."

I licked my lip nervously. "Royce."

He snickered, meandering off backward. "Oh, and by the way, I plan on changing that not drinking in public thing tonight. Hope you're excited for that."

The way he winked at me caused goose bumps on my skin.

* * *

><p>I didn't know this house, not that I knew many except for Edward's and mine.<p>

Mike, Emmett, and I were among the first people to arrive, but only because Tyler Crowley was hosting it and he was also in the basketball team.

Only half an hour later, people began to file in and form groups near the corners, stairs, tables, and couches.

The boys clapped their hands on Emmett's back; the girls gushed out congratulations; and other people – like Royce who didn't go to our school – teased Mike about his funny but heavily biased commentary.

"Hi, cutie," Royce said, offering me a half-full red, plastic cup.

I stared at it. "For me?"

"Yeah."

"You were serious, weren't you?" I teased weakly, although taking it.

His dimples dipped in as he smiled, and his eyes were on me as he silently told me to drink it.

I took a sip then began to cough. "What in the world is this?"

And then he was laughing too, and I wasn't sure if he was intentionally pressing me into a wall as he stuck a hand beside my head.

"Relax; it's just whiskey," he answered, his knee between my legs.

I glowered at the bronze liquid, still feeling my throat burn. "I thought it was beer."

He watched me with a small smile, and even when I caught him staring, he just shrugged.

I cowered farther into the wall, and he was leaning forward in return. I didn't think he was trying to kiss me, but it made me dizzy.

Giggling awkwardly, I slinked away. My knees gave away as I plopped on the empty seat of the sofa.

He casually perched himself on the armrest. He was watching me again as he then rubbed the pad of his thumb on the area below my eye.

I shivered. I didn't think I was breathing.

This guy was so forward it made my head spin.

"Bella." His hand fell, and he looked chagrinned and tired at the same time. "Don't cry over someone who won't cry over you."

My heart jolted. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He narrowed his eyes, and shaking his head, moved so he was sitting on the other side of me.

I was surprised when his arm snaked around my shoulders and pulled me to his chest, and just like that, he was holding me.

"Your eyes are bloodshot," he slowly whispered into my ear, "and I _know_ you're not drunk."

I froze, but only for a second.

I managed to pull myself away afterward, and embarrassed, I abruptly got to my feet and avoided his eyes.

He stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Did I tell you you can leave?"

"Of course you did," I went along, trying to walk away.

"I'm just kidding, love." He paused and grinned. "Doing anything next week?"

I sounded a bit harsh. "Why do you care?"

"_Maybe _because I want to ask you out."

I swiftly turned. "What?"

His face was blank. "What?"

I didn't know what to say. "But – I'm – We –"

Then Edward's name tumbled out of my lips.

"But Edward and you are obviously not together anymore, so I don't see the problem," Royce cut in breezily, finishing his drink and tossing the cup wherever and not caring. "I'm not breaking any rules here."

I swallowed, suddenly thirsty.

"I'm sorry you two broke up. I hope it's not because of me." Oh, but he didn't sound sorry at all. "Anyway. Yes or no?"

His eyes never moved away from mine, and his hand was decidedly running up and down my forearm.

I didn't know what to do.

And then it hit me that I didn't really want to say no either.

My eyes moved across the crowd, barely recognizing anyone's face, and for a second, I was wondering why in the world I agreed to be here in the first place when I saw him.

Edward. Sitting at a table with Mike and a girl.

Something told me he was already pretty drunk; he was slouched on the seat, eyes droopy, lips lazily smiling, and stare blankly boring at the ground.

A beer bottle in hand, he took a quick swig before offering it to the girl sitting across from him.

She obviously liked the attention she was getting, and imitated the swig… before hacking out into a cough.

Mike and Edward burst out laughing, high-fiving each other, and the girl pouted; but neither party was seriously brutal or seriously offended.

I felt a huge pang in the chest when Edward suddenly pulled the girl by the arm and jerked her so close that her nose touched his. Then his face slanted and he began to whisper something in her ear; if the lighting in the room had been darker, I would have thought they were kissing.

When they pulled away, Edward was grinning widely and the girl was giggling.

Mike, all humor gone and suddenly shocked, glanced up, searched the room, and met my eyes. His eyes were wide as he mouthed at me, "What the hell?"

I hurriedly glanced away, and Royce was staring at me.

He obviously saw what I saw.

"That was interesting." He cocked his head to the side and did the same thing Edward did to the other girl; his mouth was at my ear. "C'mon now. Stop overthinking it. Yes or no?"

The word left my mouth before I thought it: "Yes."

* * *

><p>The world was a hazy mess.<p>

Edward.

Edward.

Somewhere in the corner of my mind, I heard Charlie's voice: _"Any gal should know her limit when she drinks. You have to know how to take care of yourself afterward… but you won't need this advice till your twenty-one, right, Bella?"_

Then Edward's voice: _"It's your fault that you're completely defenseless."_

I blinked slowly, and then Mike was suddenly in front of me, his face inches from mine.

"Whoa, Bella. How did you get so drunk so quickly?"

I groaned, tossing a look at Royce who was now sitting on one of the tables and playing poker. That boy shot a wink at me.

"Royce got me four shots of whiskey?" I muttered.

Mike groaned too, wearing a sympathetic halfway smile. "I thought you were never going to have shots again."

"No, just _your _shots – the way _you _concoct… those… whatever they are." I rubbed my eye, feeling exhausted and slightly nauseated. My arms and legs felt like goo. "I don't feel too awful though."

"You will tomorrow." He glanced around and called Emmett over. "What were you thinking?"

I laughed breathily. "I wasn't."

Edward.

Edward.

Edward.

"Damn, Bella." It was Emmett now, but his body was all blurry because my head was swimming. "You're too lightweight for that crap."

"Promise me you won't drink like this again. Only if you have one of us with you."

I managed to look up. Mike. "That's really sweet."

"I'm serious."

"Okay. I promise." I smiled in a daze. "But only because you don't hit on inebriated, taken girls. Wait, but I'm not taken anymore, am I?"

And the look on Mike's face told me that he had it all figured about. About what went down between Edward and me. He was observant, all right.

"Let's get you home," he whispered, patting my shoulder.

"Okay."

Edward.

Edward.

Emmett sighed before attempting to haul me over his back; I resisted.

"Mike, can you get some food for her?" Emmett kept trying to pull, but my body felt like it had no muscles. He laughed nervously. "Come on, Bella. You need to help me out here."

"But I can't move." I was whining and laughing at the same time as my head lulled back. "Damn it. Being drunk sucks."

I thought I heard Emmett mumbling, "Oh, yeah, she's totally wasted…" when Royce called my name from across the room.

Both of us looked that way.

"Wanna play poker with us?" Royce asked me, suddenly nearing us.

"Are you even looking at her?" Emmett shook his head. "She's not in the condition to do anything."

I wasn't really paying attention to the rest of the conversation when my eyes zeroed on the poker table and on the redheaded boy sitting there.

He seemed pretty wasted himself.

I was sure I tried to smile at him and succeeded, but he didn't return it.

And like a flicker, something irked me – "Yeah, I want to play."

"There we go," Royce said, smug, to Emmett.

"RJ, seriously."

"I want to play," I insisted as I stood up with a wobble.

"And no gentleman refuses a lady." Royce led me over by gently prodding me on the back, mouth curving upward as he glanced down at me. "No backing out later."

"You can count on me," I murmured, feeling silly.

"I missed you, by the way," he teased.

"For the whole ten minutes, right?" I snorted loudly. "Sure, okay, whatever."

From the corner of my eyes, Mike and Emmett exchanged a look as if they knew. At the very least, I knew that Mike knew.

And now, they both knew trouble was bound to happen.

Even I knew it as soon as I keeled over and sat down on the seat across from Edward Cullen himself.

* * *

><p>Edward lost a round.<p>

People, in a little ring around us, cheered as he swirled his glass of what seemed like scotch and tossed it back with one gulp, frowning as he did so.

"Wait." I suddenly felt sober. "No one told me this was a drinking game."

"No, girlie," Royce's friend said, lips twisting up to a suggestive sneer, "this is a drinking _and _a stripping game."

When the girl next to me lost a round after that, she coyly undid her blouse.

Royce's friend, with that wolf whistle, liked that a lot.

I felt another surge of panic, and that was when Royce's foot bumped into mine intentionally.

His stare was that same shade of intense at the stadium.

I gaped back.

Oh, no. I'd already pushed my drinking limit too far, and I was wearing a one-piece dress too.

And they weren't letting me back out. No folding whatsoever.

"You're a jerk. You know that?" I told Royce, but he only shrugged.

When I lost my first round, I spotted Emmett leaning on the doorway behind Edward. He winced as I downed the drink, and I could tell he wanted to just whisk me away.

I wished he could too.

Royce's friend didn't hide his disappointment as his eyes focused on my collarbone and lower.

And then I was losing almost every round after that.

"Why did I agree to this again?" With the new intake of alcohol in my system now, I felt strangely giddier. My heart was beating faster. My limbs didn't move properly. "It's like signing a contract without reading the terms, huh?"

Everyone in the near vicinity except Edward, Mike, and Emmett laughed.

Now, Edward – he was actually looking at me a lot, but I didn't know what he was thinking behind that blank, transfixed stare. And he wouldn't look the other way even when I caught him.

"You can't keep drinking forever, sweetie." It was the girl next to me, and her glossed lips were stretched wide. She was down to her bra and panties, and didn't seem to mind one bit. "You eventually gotta dress down."

As the game went on, Royce, unlike his friend, surprisingly didn't seem at all opposed to my taking shots instead of stripping.

I groaned as I lost another round.

Royce's friend hooted in the background, and I really knew I was losing it when the shot glass in front of me started to appear as two instead of one in my eyes.

Then it was gone.

I heard catcalls from all directions all of a sudden, and I realized that the glass was in Edward's hand.

He winced as he drank, scrunching up his face.

"Dude." Royce's friend scowled. "What the fuck was that?"

"She's fucking tiny," Edward said lazily. "Take it easy on her."

"No shit. That's when the stripping comes in."

Edward raised an eyebrow, and that was when one of the few onlookers muttered, "That's his girl, Harry. Don't mess with him."

At that, Harry held his hands up in surrender and smirked. "Sorry, man. Didn't know."

"I take all her shots from now on," Edward announced, and for all I knew, he was saying that about the girl next to me since he wasn't looking at me.

Some bystanders booed, but Edward didn't look like he cared.

And in my drunken stupor, I wanted to hug him. Kiss him. Let him get me naked. Touch him. I also wanted to slap him across the face and tell everyone that we weren't together anymore.

I sobered up at the thought.

We weren't together anymore.

Royce rhythmically beat his hands on the table, making us all jump, and told us, "Come on. Back into the game. We didn't set any specific rules for the drinking part, so it's fine. Let's keep on rolling."

By the time the game was – at last – over, I was in the same state as I was in the beginning, perhaps slightly more drunk.

Edward, however, looked so out of it, slouched low on the seat and arms dangling at his sides, and he had lost his hoodie and undershirt.

I didn't miss how some girls behind him excitedly fawned over his muscles, how they were so much more pronounced in the low yellow light hanging from the ceiling. I was certain someone even mentioned something about the sweat glinting on his protruding collarbone.

All the whispering annoyed me.

"Thanks," I muttered to him, because I felt like I had to.

His gaze was so slow, soporific, glazed over. And intense. That intense I liked. "No problem."

It hurt me. Aggravated me. Why did he have to act like he cared?

As everyone including Edward left the table, I started to anxiously munch off some snacks from the popcorn bowl beside me.

I tried to ignore how a girl – not from our school – randomly approached Edward as he got dressed again.

And he was letting her chat him up. He was smiling so brightly, and that made me even more unreasonably exasperated.

It was like he was punishing me, as if forcing me to watch him burn.

Was he actually a masochist instead?

Was it only yesterday that he and I just… ended?

And to think that _I _ended it, when all along, I thought it would be him instead.

Then something hit me: Although I wasn't mature enough to forgive him and his mistakes, I wasn't desperate enough to hold onto him, either.

Huh.

I was neither mature nor desperate enough.

It was all my loss.

"I didn't know you could play poker."

"I wouldn't have agreed to play if I didn't," I snapped back, slightly annoyed as I glared. "And you could have warned me that it was _strip _poker."

"And I thought you were just a sweet little girl." Royce wasn't the slightest bit drunk, it seemed, as he took his seat again and studied me. His lips tipped up into a smile. "You're so cute when you're all feisty. I'm sure I'm not the only guy who noticed."

I sighed, frustrated at myself now. "Sorry. I'm not usually this moody. I'm just –"

"Drunk," he completed, laughing through his nose. He placed his elbow on the table and framed his chin, studying me longer. "Still. Cute. Would have loved to see what you're wearing under that pretty dress, but that's okay." He met my eyes fully and flicked a finger on the neckline of the fabric, and the low light cast a shadow on his eyes. "Maybe next week when we're out on a proper date."

I turned red.

Royce just exuded this sexual power, and I knew that he knew it.

Just as I opened my mouth, I was forced to stand up; someone behind me grabbed my wrist and held it up next to his face.

Edward?

"Let's talk for a minute," he said in monotone. "Bella?"

I watched as Royce sighed and leaned back on his chair so it was balancing on its two back legs. He had his hands stuck behind his head and an eyebrow curved up in challenge.

With a small, unreadable smile, Edward coolly accepted it.

Edward and Royce were so much alike in their aloof mannerisms…

Then Edward was hauling me away toward the nearest balcony.

I stumbled on my way outside, my foot getting caught on the little bump.

I stupidly glanced around my surroundings as Edward took his place across from me, resting his arm on the rail and scrutinizing me.

"What's going on?" I whispered.

His eyes were so pale. "What are you doing?"

"I'm not doing anything." I scowled. "Besides, what business is it of yours?"

Before I could say anything else, he violently pulled me close and kissed me.

His hands wandered on my hips. His mouth was warm, wet. He tasted like alcohol, and something hard was rubbing on my stomach.

I felt sick.

I felt nothing.

And it was he who pushed me away too; he almost looked delirious.

"Dejavu," I muttered, tears forming already, as I wiped my mouth clean. "Kissing me whenever you like again?"

"Why do you hate me so much?"

"Why are you mad?" I shot back, feeling confused. "You're the one who willingly took my shots, so don't blame me now. You could have easily ignored me. That's what you're good at."

He leaned back, and he looked so in-control, cool. Like so many times, I was the emotional one.

"What is RJ doing with you?" he asked quietly.

"Why, are you jealous?"

He let out a self-deprecating scoff before zeroing his eyes on me. Hard, chilling. "Yeah, maybe I am. Do you have a problem with that?"

He wasn't supposed to agree.

"You're not allowed to be upset." Unexpected sadness washed over me as I hugged myself. "You're supposed to be you. Cold. Aloof. Cocky. Okay?"

He crossed his arms too, and it was as if he was embodying all those characteristics all of a sudden: cold, aloof, cocky.

"What were you doing with her?" I whispered.

"With who?"

I absolutely hated this.

"Edward, let's just go back to the beginning." I gazed at his bony wrists instead of his face. "When we didn't have any expectations on each other."

When we were friends.

"Can you at least look at me while you're saying this?"

When I did, I saw the fight leave his eyes, and it was as if he finally understood the unspoken answer to his unspoken question.

He nodded very slowly. "This really is over, isn't it?"

Then I began to cry to myself, and I realized that it was something I hadn't really done in front of him all this time. I had cried with him around, but I would usually hide from him or yell at the same time.

This time, I just cried, softly, and I sounded exactly like how I felt: a vulnerable girl.

And he didn't brush off my tears like he would normally do.

He let out a short breath. "You were serious last night."

Silence.

And there was resignation.

"I've never waited for anyone like I did for you yesterday," he said quietly.

Then we were just there, outside, staring at each other. We leaned toward each other unconsciously, and our lips were nearly touching –

He broke eye-contact and turned away. "Sorry."

We would be kissing by now if we were still together. If I was willing to take him back.

I gazed up into his eyes, memorizing them, his perfect jaw, perfect brows, perfect lips…

"If I didn't know better," he murmured, "I'd think you wanted me to kiss you again."

And he was so cold, so gone.

It hurt so much.

Just before I left him, I looked over my shoulder to see his back to me as he hunched over the rail.

Sometimes, you didn't need to be right. You just had to feel right.

And although this… _this _didn't feel right, being with him hadn't felt so right either. All I knew was that while I still yearned to be with him, he wasn't quite ready for that yet.

I didn't see Edward for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>Edward.<p>

Edward.

Royce was so mature in that way he handled girls – handled me. He knew the right things to say, the right ways to touch me and communicate that he was attracted to me. There was also the undeniable appeal in having an older guy take interest in me. He was such a player; I knew it; he was irresistible and unperturbed.

"It's just beer," he assured me, pouring something in my red cup yet again.

I drank it all down.

And then another.

I'd never drank so much in my life.

Edward.

Edward.

I wished Edward had been as expressive, eager.

Royce had his arms loosely resting around my waist, and his hands were slyly climbing down lower.

But Royce was too sexually expressive.

Edward.

Edward.

With a rueful smile, I tried to step back. But he only pulled me tighter, and his hips were slowly grinding into mine.

I moaned, the side of my face and hands planted on his chest.

"You like that?" he whispered, moving against me harder.

My palm on my eye, I tried to pull away once more. "This isn't a good idea. I'm kind of really drunk right now…"

He grinned. "You do know you're giving me mixed signals?"

Before I could say another word, his finger brushed on my lips. Slowly, he led me to a dim corner, and I stiffened, my eyes widening.

"Relax," he murmured softly, cocking his head and smiling. "Dance with me?"

I sighed. "Would you take no for an answer?"

As we swayed, he locked my hands behind his neck and his around my back.

The way he was looking at me made me feel more drunk than I really was.

"You have really pretty eyes," I mumbled, blinking slowly.

He nuzzled against my jaw. "You're pretty overall."

I let out a laugh. "You're funny."

When he began to grind himself into me once more, I squirmed and let out another breathless moan. It just felt so good, and I was beginning to move with him to the indistinct music from the other room –

"Thirty!

"Twenty-nine!

"Twenty-eight!"

Startled, I looked around the room and saw everyone coupled off, chanting as the numbers went down.

He was kissing my ear. "Almost the new year, huh?"

"Mm, that feels really good." I screwed my eyes shut before opening them again. "Wait, Royce, I can't."

His lips trailed down diagonally and they were right at the corner of my lips.

My breath hitched, and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or his touch making me woozy all over again.

"I'd love a New Year's kiss from you," he said quietly. "Would you give me one?"

"I – I'm really drunk…"

"Shh. It's a simple question."

"But I just broke up with Edward yesterday, and…"

"Say no if you can look into my eyes and tell me you're not attracted to me." As I fidgeted, he held me still and tried to catch my eyes. "But say yes if you are, because I know _I'm_ so damn attracted to you."

I didn't need to say yes or no.

When people screamed the last number of the countdown, I was the one who pulled Royce into a kiss.

He responded immediately.

It was rough. Lustful. Needy. Loud. Drawn-out. A lot of touching and groping.

When we parted, he was wearing an unreadable, triumphant smirk.

I just kissed someone I barely knew.

In panic, I ran off.

I hunted down Mike and Emmett in the kitchen, both by the sink.

Emmett immediately righted himself against the counter as he saw the tears in my eyes. "What's up, Bella?"

"I have to go home," I said more in a question, and Mike was tossing Emmett his keys immediately. "Thanks, Mike."

Mike didn't question me. "Feel better, okay?"

Emmett held my hand as he gently rowed me away, and just as we left the house, Royce caught my other hand.

"Have fun at school, okay?" A wicked gleam lit up his dark gaze as he kissed me chastely but firmly on my lips once more. I was drunk, not with alcohol but with the rapt attention he was giving me. "Such a sweetheart."

And it felt right. But also wrong. All of it.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Ehhem. I know what I said, but here's my happy excuse: I couldn't resist :)

By the way, I have the next chapter written out (ironically, writing this story is a stress outlet more than a distraction at the moment). I'll probably see you guys with that next chapter next year though!

I hope everyone had/is having a nice Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa!

Sarah


	26. Chapter 25

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE**

* * *

><p>Emmett let me pass out in the backseats of the car in the local McDonald's parking lot.<p>

He bought me food – a lot of greasy food – and fed me, asking every once in a while if I felt sober enough to go back home.

His eyes were full of questions as well as a kind of sadness – a kind of disappointment in me.

I didn't blame him.

After all, in his mind, his best friend and I were mysteriously no longer together; I made out with a random college boy merely minutes ago; and he had harbored a major crush on me for some time. Of course he was disappointed and confused.

"Your dad is so going to kill me," Emmett groaned jokingly as he escorted me to my front porch.

It was bad enough that Charlie was already fuming because it was almost two o'clock in the morning when we reached home.

As soon as I hit the sofas with Emmett's help – "Is she _drunk_?"

Emmett took the heat, ducking his head and apologizing for not paying more attention.

"Emmett, it wasn't your fault," I murmured, sitting up. "Dad, stop giving him a hard time –"

"You are grounded for a whole month, young lady," Charlie shouted, red in the face.

I reeked of alcohol, Charlie continued angrily.

He also said I reeked of boy cologne.

I wanted to hurl.

_Royce's cologne._

* * *

><p>Whispers.<p>

That was the first thing I noticed on the first day back in school.

"Were you there? She was all over another guy that night."

"It wasn't Edward. I saw with my own eyes!"

"I heard it was one nasty breakup."

"No wonder Edward looks so pissed!"

"He looks more heartbroken, if you ask me."

"She has some gall! How can she do that to him?"

"I _told_ you they wouldn't last two months. You owe me twenty bucks."

Worst of all?

"It's Rosalie all over again."

* * *

><p><em>Only three more minutes left<em> – till the class which Edward and I took together began.

My classmates, who all started to file into the room as lunch was coming to an end, seemed more than ready to see some drama.

I hoped they were wrong.

By the time the class was almost full, people were whispering and glancing at my direction. I contemplated whether I should change seats, but I figured that wherever I decided to sit, the voices would follow me anyway.

At this rate, someone was going to paint the word "SLUT" all over my locker. I wouldn't be surprised one bit.

"Hey, Bella."

I watched, horrified inside, as Edward Cullen pulled out the chair next to mine and sat there.

My lips parted in surprise, and I was sure I wasn't the only one in the room.

He was sitting next to me?

"You all right?" he said, lightly laughing at my face.

Everyone was staring.

What in the world was he thinking? Did he not notice the way people were looking at us? Did he even care? He must somewhat care, right?

"Do you mind if I copy your homework?"

"What?" I cleared my throat and said again, "What?"

"I didn't do any of the homework over break." He had no trouble maintaining a solid, confident eye-contact with me. He even pulled off that flirty, playfully conspiratorial whisper. Unbelievable. "Can I copy yours?"

I blanked.

He grinned. "Please?"

With a furiously beating heart, I slid my packet over and continued to gape at him.

He immediately began to transfer my answers to his paper. "You're a lifesaver. I owe you loads."

That was when the tardy bell rang and Mr. Wilkins strutted through the door, instantly asserting attention from all of us, as he greeted us with the welcome-back speech.

I couldn't take my eyes off the boy next to me, though, wondering again what the hell he was thinking.

But with the way he occasionally shot smiles my way, I finally got a good idea of what.

He was shutting me down while acting like he was opening up.

Just like that first day I met him.

Back to square one.

Back to the beginning.

Just like I asked.

Friends.

* * *

><p>I was coping.<p>

It wasn't the end of the world, although it kind of felt like it.

"Edward," I called gently.

His face turned to me, but he seemed quite absorbed with the lesson because his eyes were still trained on the whiteboard. Then at last, balancing a pencil on his lips, he faced me fully and raised an eyebrow.

At a closer view, he had bags under his eyes, and his hair wasn't that sex hair every girl in our school gushed about because it was simply messy and unkempt today. For a fleeting moment, I wondered if he'd gotten enough sleep over the past two days.

Probably not.

"_I couldn't sleep without you," _he'd told me once.

"You don't have to do that," I said softly so the eager ears around us wouldn't overhear. "I'm okay, so you can stop."

"Stop what?"

Of course he would play dumb. "Pretending."

Faking didn't make the flaws go away.

He snickered suddenly, eyes glimpsing out the window for one second before boring into mine again. "What's with the bitterness?"

I was speechless, and he looked off into space.

I didn't attempt to reinitiate a conversation, and halfway into the period, the teacher grouped us apart for the in-class activity.

Just before he headed toward the front of the room, he ground his hand into my head and smirked. "I'm not pretending to be anything."

He swung the bag over one shoulder and walked away backward, saluting in that goofy way and biting his bottom lip. But as soon as he plopped down on the desk next to his assigned group members, his expression numbed.

Not pretending?

He could have fooled me.

* * *

><p>Some people thought we were still together.<p>

Not one of them bothered to come up and ask me.

All of them asked Edward instead. Mostly the girls. During class. Most likely for the satisfaction that I would hear him deny me – hear him speak low of me and my "cheating."

But his reaction? A muted, private smile that left it all as a bigger mystery.

I was grateful. It was gentleman of him to not speak about his private life and mine.

I felt sick. It was so cruel of him too.

It was like having him within reach and still not getting to have him.

It would have been better if I'd lost him entirely.

And I wondered if he was playing that to his advantage – because during the hour, I would frequently catch a glimpse of something in his eyes when they were gazing at me, and every time, it felt like, "Dare me."

* * *

><p><em>Miss me? –Royce<em>

_No. Leave me alone. –Bella_

_Ooh, feisty again. That's hot. –Royce_

I was about to turn off my phone when –

_Hey, I'm kidding. __Although – I still have your kiss. –Royce_

I didn't need a reminder.

_And you, by the way. This Saturday. You're still game, right? –Royce_

I didn't bother to reply.

_Is that a no? Then how about today after school? I can drop by. -Royce_

_I'm busy right now. And for the rest of today. And on Saturday. So forget it. -Bella_

_Are you in a class right now? –Royce_

_Yes. –Bella_

_Oh, okay, then. I don't want to bother you too much. I hope you're having a great day ;) –Royce_

Jerk.

"Dude. What's with you today?"

My attention immediately turned over to Edward by the distant table. It was Tyler Crowley at his side, friendlily shoving him on the shoulder.

Edward floundered backward at the movement, a meek, resigned smile curving his lips once more.

"I'm just feeling a bit crazy," was his answer, and I noticed that he was too checking his phone from under the desk, away from Mr. Wilkins' probing eyes.

I wondered if there was some family trouble again…

"Jesus, Cullen," Tyler said, roaring with laughter, "you have to get your shit together. You're acting all weird."

Another guy at their table gave Tyler a look after risking a glimpse in Edward's direction… and then mine. "No shit, Ty. Obviously."

Edward had that subtle smile again. "Since when did I care about what people think of me anyway?"

Someone tapped my shoulder, and I jumped.

"Bella," one of the members in my group said charily, "we have to finish this before class ends."

"Oh." I breathed in deeply. "Right. Sorry."

The girls around me shared knowing looks for obvious reasons.

I was officially Edward Cullen's ex-girlfriend – one that was still alive – but I didn't care what they thought.

Just like Edward said. I didn't care if people thought I was stupid or crazy.

My heart, which was miraculously still reserved for him alone, was my special, cold, hard, shining treasure, and I intended to hold onto that.

* * *

><p>People were passing notes up and down the aisles.<p>

When it reached me, a lot of the people began to snicker and covered their mouths.

I wasn't surprised at what was written.

"_Cheater."_

"Isabella Swan's a fucking cheater," someone hissed aloud from across the classroom, and everyone peered at me.

I let out a shaky whoosh of air, and I didn't miss how Edward, sitting beside me again now, snapped his own eyes to my direction and down at the piece of paper. His eyes narrowed.

Even Mr. Wilkins heard it.

The paper crunched as I fisted it, and I raised my other trembling hand. "Sir, may I use the restroom?"

The balding man studied the sniggering class, and then Edward and me.

Jesus, did even the teachers know about us?

He nodded mutedly. "You may, Miss Swan."

All eyes followed me as I opened the door.

"Would you like a pass to the Nurse instead?" the teacher asked quietly.

I tried to smile, but my lips were too quivery. "No thank you."

* * *

><p>Dumping the piece of paper in the first trashcan I saw, I crouched beside the water fountain by the ladies' room and tried to breathe properly.<p>

I wasn't hyperventilating. I was just anxious… and paranoid.

_It was just one kiss, right? I don't have to feel so guilty. It doesn't matter what everyone says. They don't know what really happened. And technically, I did nothing morally wrong because I was single, and Edward –_

Edward.

I wanted to cry.

_I'm so sorry._

I clutched my heart in an attempt to slow the rate at which it was beating.

Thump.

Thump.

Edward.

Thump.

Edward.

Footsteps echoed in the empty hallway.

My heart seemed to notice who it was right away, and I watched with bated breath as Edward Cullen drew near, looking as if he didn't have a care in the world, and stopped.

He didn't bother to speak and simply offered a hand.

I acted like I didn't see it.

But he was patient.

"I'm okay," I finally whispered.

"I never asked."

My lips thinned. "Go back to class before Mr. Wilkins starts to wonder where you are."

"Actually, he's the one who told me to find you and take you to the Nurse." He jerked his chin at me. "C'mon. I'll take you there."

I nervously glanced up, and I felt pathetic as I saw his unfazed facial expression.

Of course. All that nonchalance, friendliness, coolness – it was all for everyone else to see.

Not me.

So I was stubborn. "No."

"Well, just out of curiosity," he began, sounding oddly casual, as he crouched down on the space next to me. "Why are you letting them talk about you that way?"

I looked away immediately.

"Why aren't you defending yourself, Bella?"

Defending myself?

I scoffed at the thought. Just thinking about that New Year's kiss made my stomach turn.

"Because I deserve it." I shook my head. "I'm such a –"

"Hey," he interjected, his stare scathing but words gentle, "don't talk about my friend that way."

My throat closed up.

Friend.

"How do you do that?" My voice was soft because I felt like I was physically incapable of speaking louder. "How did you adjust yourself that quickly?"

With a grunt, he stood back up. "Because that's what you wanted."

Then the class bell rang.

* * *

><p>I left him standing as I escaped into the ladies' room.<p>

I looked ridiculously okay for someone who was going through a bad breakup – at least my reflection in the bathroom mirror did. Except for the fact that I was dressed down more than usual – in a zip-up hoodie and some cruddy jeans – I looked perfectly me.

But I guessed that was the problem; inside, I wasn't exactly "me" anymore.

At the sound of the bathroom door creaking open and the giggles that followed, I quickly made work to wash my hands.

The girls – I recognized some of their faces – froze when they saw my face, and I awkwardly smiled back through the mirror.

"Oh, look who's here," one of them taunted.

I faltered for a millisecond as I lathered soap on hands.

They seemed to be talking amongst themselves… about me.

"And everyone thought she was completely smitten by Edward. She fooled us all."

"He probably didn't give a shit about her either."

"Lucky her. At least she got to have some fun with him while it lasted."

They all laughed together, glancing at me. Trying to stir a reaction from me.

"Oh, and Bella? I'm pretty sure he slept around too. So we're not completely judging you or anything."

"Mhm. It's going to be okay, hon. He seems to have gotten over you quick enough."

"Edward's a great in the sack, isn't he? I still can't believe his tastes have gone so downhill, though. What can I say? I guess I just ruined all other girls for him."

"He was probably not looking for a serious relationship in the first place."

Glaring at the sink, I turned off the faucet. "That's enough."

They exchanged pleased coy looks.

"Aw, do you actually have the gall to defend yourself?"

A girl jabbed her forefinger on my shoulder, and while the touch wasn't forceful, it made me that much more ashamed of myself.

Their voices rose as they closed around me from all direction.

I lowered my head, my eyes stinging. My palms grasped tightly on the edge of the sink, so tight that my knuckles turned white.

One underclassman girl unknowingly walked in the restroom before running back out, frightened at what was going on.

Mere seconds later, I could hear the commotion growing outside; camera phones were peeking through the small door opening, filming us, and I felt the humiliation building inside me all over again.

"That's enough, okay? I get it," I muttered again before trying to sidestep them.

"Come on. Not so fast. Aren't you going to tell us how you managed to seduce Edward Cullen? How you managed to hog that blond hottie that other night? What's your secret? Did you sleep with both of them at the same time? No one would have guessed you were such a –"

The door suddenly slammed open and someone's voice – "Yo, Edward, that's the girls' restroom!"

Edward came sauntering in, slowly, face blank and eyebrow arched.

"I thought I heard my name," he said plainly. "More than once."

The girls immediately stepped away from me and smiled at him. "It's okay, Edward. We were just –"

His attention was solely focused on me. "Just what?"

Ashamed, I wrapped my arms around my body and stared at the ground.

"Edward, it's fine," the girls chanted, leaning closer to him. "We were just telling her how stupid she was to play with your –"

"Oh, don't worry. I already know exactly the kind of person she is."

My stomach twisted.

"Don't waste your time on her," he continued, the pitch of his voice lowering so much, and I'd never heard that tone from him before.

Feeling lightheaded, I subtly leaned back onto the sink again, but Edward took my wrist and pulled me out to the hallway.

"Hey," he said loudly to the nosy people still gathered around to see what was going on, and all of their eyes were on us, "Bella Swan did_ not _cheat on me, so everyone can shut up and stop spreading rumors. We don't deserve it."

People broke out in whispers, and I stood there, lost and hurt.

"Not that it matters," he said, voice quieter. "She hardly means anything to me now."

It was as if someone stabbed me in the chest.

"Now you." Edward grasped my wrist harder. "You come with me."

* * *

><p>Edward and I narrowly missed the hall monitors as they started to shoo the onlookers to their next classes.<p>

He towed me down a deserted hall, and his pace was too fast for me.

"Are you hurt?"

I kept my eyes down, numb.

He wasn't even looking at me anyway.

_"Not that it matters."_

It mattered a lot to me.

"Did they hurt you?" he asked again.

I still had no response.

He stopped short and turned to me, and I backed off.

He slightly narrowed his eyes. "What, you can't talk?"

I wanted to. But I couldn't. How could I?

He placed his hands on my shoulders and leveled his face to mine.

"Are you an idiot?" he whispered harshly all of a sudden. "Why didn't you talk back to them? Why did you let them give you all that bullshit? You _know _you don't deserve it. You're better than all of them."

I clamped my lips together, hard, and shook my head.

"Talk to me, Bella!" He shook me violently. "Answer me, damn it…"

"I'm so sorry, Edward."

He scowled in disgust. "Why in the world are you sorry?"

Because even though we were broken up that night, in my mind, I was still his girl then as I was now, and I had betrayed him. Just like Rosalie.

He sighed deeply, releasing me and leaning against the lockers. One hand moved to cover his eyes, and he was motionless for a long time.

Edward Cullen was as worn out as I was.

"You asked me how I adjusted so quickly." Then he met my eyes. "But it was you who moved on first."

My cheeks were suddenly in flames. "I'm – I wasn't thinking – I – I'm not proud of it –"

"At least say that when they start cornering you next time."

"What? No –"

"Take care of yourself, okay? Don't mind me; I can protect myself."

"Edward, please listen to me –"

"And remember," he gently pinched my cheek and attempted to smile, "they're just jealous."

That was how he got the last word.

Then he got farther and farther away from me down the hall.

I wanted to follow him, and I missed him. I felt sick, and I missed him. I wanted to be with him, and I missed him.

I was so in love with him, and I missed him so, so much.

* * *

><p>Just as the final bell of the day sounded, I stared, hard, at my Spanish textbook as I numbly contemplated whether I should carry it in my arms or in my backpack.<p>

Around me, my classmates rushed out the room and into the hallway in a hurry to get home.

Cleaning the whiteboard, the teacher took curious glimpses in my direction.

I knew I should start moving too. She probably wanted to close the door and go home herself.

"Bella?"

I looked up, sighing. "Emmett."

Muttering a flirty "¿Hola, como está?" to the teacher and earning a giggle from her, he jogged in and took my book for me. He let out a big whoosh of air and grinned more brightly than usual. "Come on. Get up. Let's go home."

As I languidly hauled my bag over myself, Mike popped his head through the door before coming in. He looked more cautious than Emmett. "Hi, Bella."

I tried to smile. "This is a nice surprise. What are you guys doing here?"

That was when Edward walked in behind Mike; he stopped short when he saw me, eyes flickering all over the classroom before settling on the floor. He shoved his hands in his pockets and leaned on the doorway.

"Because we couldn't find you by your locker," he answered coolly. "Ready to go?"

He sounded so normal that I wanted to punch him, and a feel of disgust overwhelmed me.

He had broken all our promises when we were in a relationship, but now that I said I wanted him to be my friend – wanted to go back to the beginning – he was doing just that?

"I'll take the book," I muttered to Emmett as I shied it away from his hands and threw it in my backpack.

"Bella?" Emmett said, confused, as I stomped toward the door.

I purposefully bumped my shoulder to Edward's arm as I slipped by, but his eyes stayed on the floor.

* * *

><p>"Bella!"<p>

Edward's voice.

I felt strangely relieved that the parking lot was totally empty in the area where I parked my car.

Something told me that I was going to start yelling soon.

"Bella, wait!"

His voice was closer, and before I knew it, he managed to whirl me around.

"Why did you just walk out like that?" he said breathlessly, eyebrows furrowed.

"Because I can. Now let go."

"No. What the hell's your problem?"

"_My_ problem?" I couldn't believe my ears, and I was oddly just as breathless as he when I wrenched my arm off. "_You're _the one with a problem. You _are _the problem. You're the one who's freaking me out!"

"What did I do to make you freak out?" he said calmly.

"Do you really not know?" My eyes were wide, and I was unknowingly stepping closer to him. "It's everything about you. How you tolerate all your troubles, how you've _been _tolerating all your problems all your life: you just shut down while acting like you're not. Now you're shutting _me _down, out, and away, and while I can understand that, it's like you want to see me suffer with the way you behaved today!"

Initially, he seemed resigned and controlled, as if he was going to let me vent all of it out – as if he was planning to just take my angry verbal stabs. But now, his face had smoothed into a different kind of controlled. His eyes had turned hard in the dangerous way that unsettled me.

"Oh, okay. That's it, isn't it? You want to punish me." My voice was shaky, and I hated myself for it. "You are so sick and manipulative, and I can't believe I fell for you." As the words slipped out of me, so did my conscious thought. "I don't know why I even bothered with you in the first place. You're so horribly unavailable and broken; you never, not for one moment, opened up to me, and it always felt like I was talking to a darn wall. Even when I was with you, it was like you were somewhere else! I regret everything and all my time pining for you – it was such a waste of time to us both because you are – you are such a –" I stopped myself. Why was I even speaking to him? "I'm going home."

My frantic fingers tried to find the keys in my backpack when his voice, colder than ice, cut in – "I'm what?"

I ignored him.

"I'm what, Bella?" he said, a glower hidden behind that soft stare. "Go on. Say it."

I ignored him again, but he was cornering me against my truck.

"Come on, Bella. Do it. You're not the first one to call me a waste of time." He violently slapped a hand on the window beside me, effectively making me jump and sandwiching me between his body and the car door. "And you definitely wouldn't be the first one to call me a mistake or something worse. So say it."

I made the mistake of looking into his eyes; they perfectly matched the sound of his raw, dangerous, deadly voice.

And he was waiting. He was daring me.

Looking down, I shook my head.

There was a cold laugh in his voice as he lowered his head to catch my eyes. "Come on. It's okay. Just say it already."

"No." My voice was shaking again. "You're not a waste of my time."

"Not what you said the first time."

"Edward, stop." I self-consciously shrouded my shoulders with my arms. "You're scaring me."

Then he lurched off.

My heart sank.

Were those tears in his eyes?

"I didn't mean it," I said in a whisper.

He nodded very slowly to himself, a scary smile on his mouth. "That's what they all say."

Blood was roaring in my ears as he swiftly walked off, and something told me that despite so many ends we'd faced, this was the real one.

I was frozen one second and then moving the next as I grabbed his hand with both of mine – with all I had. "I didn't mean it."

Forbidding, he glimpsed at me sideways. "Remember what you said that other time? So what if you didn't mean it?"

_"So what if you didn't mean it? That doesn't mean it wasn't true."_

"It came out wrong." I desperately squeezed him tighter, although he didn't try to wrench me off. That scared me more. "I was just trying to tell you how upset I am because you seem fine about us not being together anymore. How unfair it is that you let me go so easily when it took me so much to let _you_ go." I hugged his arm to my chest this time. "I was trying to tell you to _not_ let me go. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

My heart numbed as his facial expression stayed the same: blank.

Then – "Just go."

And I couldn't do anything as he managed to rip his arm off and began to walk away again.

No.

If he would just take one little step back.

If he did just that, he would be able to see me.

But why was he still moving forward?

And now, as the distance between us grew, it hit me.

"Are you telling me you don't need me anymore?" I asked in a whisper.

No answer.

I took one step forward, although he was already so many away.

"But what about me?" He was supposed to _find _me. That was what I was waiting for him to do. That was why I let him go. Not this. "Then what am I supposed to do?"

He made a stiff stop before retracing his steps; he raised my chin up so he didn't have to crouch to look at me.

"This is when you're supposed to find a way to redeem the last three _wasted_ months of your life."

I clamped my lips together, in fear of breaking out into a loud, angry sob, and I just wished the coldness would disappear already.

"Oh, and yeah." He smirked, all sardonic and bitter. "I don't need you anymore."

That was the final blow.

"You're an asshole." I sounded small and weak, but as the anger flashed within me, I then slapped him powerfully on the chest and pointed a finger at him. "Fine! Go, then. I don't care anymore! Fuck you – fuck everything I thought we shared – fuck everything I gave to you – just fuck it all –"

His mouth swallowed the rest of my words.

I was pulled so close to him that my pushes against his chest were futile.

And it felt like our first kiss – all confusing – but also our last – all gut-wrenching.

Why? _Why_?

"Let her go already, won't you?" someone said.

Edward started, went stiff, and finally ripped his lips away from mine.

From a distance, someone was slowly walking over to us, winking my way when our eyes met.

Royce?

* * *

><p>"I didn't know you were into coercing girls into kissing you. Wait, Edward Cullen has to actually work to attract a girl's attention?" Royce's eyes zoomed into me, smug. "Now that's a first."<p>

I jerked out of Edward's arms.

"You made Bella cry." Royce scowled mockingly. "_Not _a first."

The way these two boys eyed each other was unnerving.

"Sorry, but I just had to interrupt, man," Royce went on as he stopped a few feet away from us. "She went completely stiff as soon as you started to kiss her, and that's not her usual reaction when she's kissing… Oh, trust me. I know this from experience."

Edward seemed unimpressed.

Royce smiled at me. "Hiya, beautiful."

I jumped a little, shocked. My head was pounding.

Then Royce caught my hand and tugged me over to his side. "So if you're done harassing her, I would like to have her to myself now. Are we cool?"

"I couldn't care less."

"Always cool as a cucumber. Okay, let's go, Bella."

Royce kept urging me to walk away, and with the weight of his arms draped around my shoulders, I couldn't look back to see Edward's face.

* * *

><p>"What are you doing?" I said angrily the moment I was pushed into an unfamiliar car.<p>

Royce, all relaxed on the driver's seat, kept his eyes on the side mirror and grinned widely.

"Royce. What are you doing?"

Still wearing that self-satisfied smile, he started the engine. "Saving you from kissing your ex-boyfriend."

His voice was way too bright, and I didn't like it.

"You have to drive me back later," I said quietly as the car moved. "I have a truck I have to take home."

"Of course." He smiled at me, one hand on the wheel. "I just wanted to show your ex-boyfriend that you chose me over him."

"What?" I shot back. "I didn't _choose _anything. You're the one who – and what makes you think I would choose _you_?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because we made out two days ago and you were actually responsive? Maybe because you haven't given me any indication that you hate me? Maybe because it's obvious that you find me attractive?" He shrugged, all cocky and cool. "But then again, I don't know."

I stared, slack-jawed. And then – "Well, I'm going tell you right now –"

"Oh, shh." He scowled slightly. "Do you have to make an argument out of everything I say?"

"Yes."

"Do you do this to all your friends, or is it just me?"

"Are you even my friend?" I bit off.

"Technically, we're not. I mean, we're way past all that friend stuff… right?"

I had no answer.

True to his words, Royce circled the perimeters of the school just once before dropping me back off in the parking lot. My car was the only one left in the student parking area.

Stepping out, I glared at Royce. My thoughts were conflicting.

"Why are you here anyway?" I asked him.

"You checked your phone?"

Sure enough, I had an unread text message.

_I think you said no, but I'm going to ask again anyway. Wanna hang out today? I'll wait at your school parking lot. -Royce_

Sighing, I pocketed my phone. "I can't hang out."

"I suspected."

I eyed him. "And how much did you hear?"

With the way his blue eyes warmed – sad? apologetic? sympathetic? – I knew that he knew exactly what I was talking about.

"The whole thing."

I closed my eyes and faced away. "Okay."

"Bella." He rested an arm on the opened window. "Just so you know, I'm not a bad person."

I was unconvinced.

I just shook my head and started toward my car.

"Are we still on this Saturday?" he yelled, surprisingly laughingly.

I resisted to look back.

"I'll take that as a yes, Bella Swan! Four days and counting!"

With that, he drove off.

* * *

><p>It seemed as though Mike and Emmett were the only ones in the entire school who sided with me.<p>

Edward? Still just in public, and I no longer had the energy in me to say anything.

Back were the goofy, pretty smiles. The casual talks, in which only he was engaged in. The spontaneity.

He still occupied the seat next to mine during English. As though it didn't bother him one bit.

And back were his methods of protecting himself, and I knew it because I knew better.

His control of his emotions scared me. It was much too mature for an eighteen-year-old.

Our relationship had only lasted a month, but it seemed as though it had been a whole year. No, it was like we jumped in a relationship that moment we met.

At the thought, I snorted out loud, and Charlie looked up from his dinner, displeased.

He was obviously disgruntled by the fact that I was showing no sign of repentance after that night of my foolish drunken debauchery.

"Bella. I'm telling you one last time. Edward Cullen has to go."

I took a bite of my food without looking at him. "He is. Just like you wanted."

There was silence – "Oh, really?"

"Yes," I said shortly.

Then there was only the clinking of silverware.

I stared, hard, at my plate, because I knew that if I looked up, I would see a satisfied smirk on my dad's face.

My phone, on my lap, buzzed.

"Bella," Charlie sighed.

"Sorry."

I quickly checked the message, and my breath caught.

_I Needd you –Edward_

And it had been less than four days since he told me that he didn't need me anymore.

Ten minutes later:

_I haveto see you. do ou miss me at all ? –Edward_

When the third message arrived, Charlie glared at me.

I turned off my phone and waited till dinner was over so I could turn it back on.

As soon as Charlie left the room –

_Are you drunk? –Bella_

_Mayb –Edward_

I couldn't resist: _Are you okay? –Bella_

An hour later:

_No –Edward_

* * *

><p>The lights in my room were turned off, and I made sure I heard Charlie's bedroom door close with a click before I turned them back on.<p>

It had been four hours since the last text, and I had eight missed calls from the same person.

It didn't go to nine.

"Hello?" I said in a whisper.

"Hey. It's me." Edward let out a long sigh. "You finally picked up."

Oh, God. He was drunk dialing. "Do you realize what time it is?"

"No." He paused. "Did I wake you?"

"Yes," I lied.

"I just wanted to talk to you. No big deal."

I felt a lump in my throat, and I kept silent until I was sure I would continue to sound angry. "You're really drunk, aren't you?"

"Wasted." He laughed and grunted at the same time, all breathy and full of sleep. "I wish you were here."

He had already broken my heart, but now he was stomping all over the pieces.

"This is so unlike you," I whispered.

"I don't know what I am." He paused again. "And I thought we were friends. Friends talk to each other, right?"

"Right." Again, it took some time for me to collect myself. "What did you want to say?"

I could sense a hint of a cold smile in his voice. "Just that Carlisle was right."

At that, I sat up. "About what?"

"Dad finally cut me off."

Oh, no. "Why? How? Is –"

"Because I told him no when he said he wanted to take me back."

"But I thought you wanted to live with your dad again –"

"He's moving back to Chicago. And he's going to take me with him."

My shoulders slacked.

_Next year. Forks. No Edward._

No.

"I can't… I can't leave you here, Bella."

I squeezed my phone.

"Can you please come over? I… I really miss you."

I couldn't. I wouldn't.

Then for a moment, he was mumbling things I didn't understand. And finally – "Bella?"

"Edward?"

"What the fuck happened to us?"

I sucked in a breath. "I can't do this the second time. It's too much for me. I'm sorry. I'm hanging up."

And I did.

For a second, it felt good. It was as if I was finally leaving all of his staggering kisses behind me.

But he'd sounded so drunk. So broken. So… sad.

Edward Cullen never sounded sad.

I reopened the first message he sent me tonight.

_"I Needd you –Edward"_

Closing my eyes, I cursed to myself.

In my tank top and shorts, I simply pulled a long coat over me and headed out the door.

As I started my truck –

_Where are you? –Bella_

* * *

><p>This guy had a hold on me so strong, I could never deny him.<p>

I was slightly out of breath as I stepped into his quiet, dimly lit home.

The television was on low, and its lights bounced off the walls.

And there he was – on his stomach, slumped over the sofa, a beer bottle dangling dangerously from his loose hand.

So, so drunk.

Choking on a sob I didn't know I was holding back, I neared him.

It was as if he felt my presence immediately, and I stiffened as he abruptly pulled me into the roughest embrace.

"Hi," I breathed, stealthily unwrapping his fingers from the glass bottle and gently placing it on the crystal table.

And with the newly freed hand, he brought our bodies even closer, crushing us together.

I didn't want to push him off.

"Bella," he called, voice muffled.

"What?" I whispered back.

"If I asked, would you let me be your boyfriend again?"

I didn't think he asked to get an answer. He probably didn't expect one. No, maybe he didn't even want to hear one.

Whatever it was, twisting his face down, this time he crushed our lips together.

He kissed me hard and fast, his tongue working its way into my mouth, and I was pushing him away with my hands pressing into his chest but keeping him close with my answering kisses.

It didn't take long until I got lost in the feel of being in his arms – in the feel of longing and want – and allowed all other thought to fade away.

When we parted, he buried his face in my neck and hugged me, clinging to me.

"The sweetest," he mumbled as one hand went up to the back of my head.

"You always have everything your way," I told him, but I was too tired to fight and spoke without much conviction. "And you're a liar; you lie so many times I don't even know what's true and what's false. I don't know what to believe anymore."

"I don't care what you say," he snickered. "For once, someone came back for me, and I'm glad it's you."

And because I was as needy and sad as he was – because I was pathetic, and eager to shun his harsh words and to believe his sweet ones – because I desperately wanted this boy to like me back – I let him take me to his room. I let him get me naked.

We kissed.

We kissed and kissed and kissed, and it seemed as though he was drunk from my kisses than from the alcohol.

He was not his usual self, with those bloodshot eyes, possessive grinding and rough touches, and filthy cursing and dirty words whispered in my ear.

He told me all of his crazy fantasies and how they all involved me.

That he couldn't wait to be inside me.

That he wanted to see himself going in and out of me.

That he was so horny and that he just wanted pound into me.

That I was his whether I liked it or not.

He hitched my leg over his waist and opened me to him.

"I don't think I can be gentle," he murmured, more to himself.

And he looked so, so beaten as he pushed through and stuck to his word.

He was a savage, selfish, erotic lover, and drunk stupid, and I didn't think he remembered that I was a virgin.

"_It's your fault that you're completely defenseless."_

"What?" he asked softly, cocking his head to the side.

I smiled the saddest smile. "I feel completely, pathetically defenseless when I'm with you."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>They did it. *shrug* They just . . . had to. Does that make any sense?

P.S. I hope everyone had a Happy New Year. This long-ass chapter would be my belated holiday present to you all!

Sarah


	27. Chapter 26

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX**

* * *

><p>I didn't know what, but I woke with a start.<p>

Edward's room.

Dark.

Three in the morning.

In his futon.

With him.

Naked.

I was naked.

Edward was passed out beside me, just as naked.

Despite the heavy stupor that made me want to close my eyes and go back to sleep, I tried to focus and think.

Charlie.

I was supposed to be grounded.

Alarmed, I jostled up, and I almost crumbled forward because I was so, so sore. My legs were wobbly, and there was a slow burning pain between them.

"My God," I whispered, so unexpectedly startled at the pain, as I cradled my stomach.

I didn't think I could move.

But my clothes.

Downstairs.

I pulled over the first article of clothing I found before hobbling toward the door.

Then the futon creaked, and I turned back to it in mild panic.

Edward stirred.

He suddenly shifted, and I stayed frozen as he sat up. He drowsily scanned his room and the darkness, rubbing his eyes and propping his body up with his elbows.

The sheets were barely covering the part that had been inside me… pumping into me –

His eyes found mine, and my heart fell when he didn't smile.

"Who told you you can leave?" His voice was full of sleep, and he placed a hand on his forehead and winced, groaning. He beckoned me with a finger. "Come back."

Without a second thought, I obeyed.

We didn't speak, just looking.

I was the one to break the silence. "You're sweating."

Subconsciously, I reached out to touch his forehead but stopped myself.

He noticed this and stared deeply into my eyes.

Suddenly, I remembered the way he went down on me, how his messy hair hovered below me as he did so, the way he kept my legs spread as he moved on top of me, the way we shared the same air as we made small and loud noises. I could still hear the obscene things he whispered in my ear and feel his hands wrapped around my knee as he threw my leg over his shoulder.

His lips had barely touched mine the entire time, but his breaths had, over and over again in time with his thrusts, just like his hips repeatedly slapped into –

"Nightmare," he said, voice raspy and low.

I studied his shoulders, remembering how I grabbed onto them because he told me to, how his lower abdomen rubbed against my stomach. He told me that the way I was so innocent made him want me even more. He really liked it when I was frantic and blushing; he placed my nervous, fluttering hands on his chest as he –

"You were in it," he said coldly.

A feel of dread spread over me.

Then he laughed to himself, sounding cruel. "You were so sad, and I couldn't do anything about it."

I let out a shuddering breath. "So we're miserable all the time? Even in your own dreams?"

"Still. Come." He leaned close and brushed his nose to mine. "Tomorrow night. And the night after that too."

I was already blushing at the word "come."

He grabbed the adjustable strings of his hoodie I was wearing and kissed me fully.

And I was happy to be with him for the first time in a long time, because it felt like he cared. Everything felt safe and warm, especially with his arms wrapped around me.

Then he tackled me.

His movements were overly urgent, like his hands yanked the hoodie up and over my head and started to eagerly squeeze my breasts together – swiped long and slow on my wet sex –

"God, you're so beautiful. You look so hot in my clothes," he whispered, eyes roaming up and down my naked body and licking his lip. "So sexy. You get me so hard."

No.

I closed my eyes. "Edward."

He pinned my hands down, shamelessly rubbing his hard shaft against my opening. Not looking at my face, but intensely focused on the area where he smoothly slid against me.

"Can't wait to be inside you again." Leaving frantic kisses all over my face, he moaned. "Are you ready for me? Are you wet?"

"Edward," I said again, though weakly, as I tried to close my legs. He kept them open, though, staring at the moist spot in a way that made me more exposed and vulnerable than just naked. "Don't do this."

I laid there in a daze as Edward retrieved a condom from his bedside drawer and rolled it on.

Was he so lost in his lust that he didn't hear me?

And without any hesitation, he was pressing in.

I tried to knee him on the stomach to get his attention, but no.

Then it was as if he was unsatisfied with my reluctance, because he flipped me over on my stomach, pushed me against the wall, and fastened my hands there.

He pushed my lower back in, curving my body like a taut bow, and whispered in my ear, "Hold on, okay? I'm going to go fast and hard."

His hands kneaded my butt cheeks, and again, he was pressing in. Squeezing my breasts together with one greedy hand. Nudging my knee to create an angle he liked. Panting in my ear. Like he was about to just slam into me over and over.

"Edward, I don't want to do this," I whispered shakily and tried to turn back over. "It – It hurts. I'm still sore."

His hands on me were firm as his eyes glazed over. "Come on, Bella."

"Just because we did it once doesn't mean you can put your dick in me whenever you want to. I'm not your sl –"

"Shh." He was poking just the tip in, though impatiently. "Let's just do it, okay?"

I glared at him, but more out of sad hopelessness than anger, as he struggled to keep himself from entering me.

His eyes were stonier than usual.

"Okay," I choked out, relaxing my body and numbly returning to the position he had me against the wall. "If you want me that much."

It was as if someone poured a bucket of cold water over him.

I stayed still, though, with my back facing him, and I went tense when I felt his hands gripping tighter around my waist.

Then he tugged, placing me on my back gently, muttering, "What guy would still want it after hearing that."

I took the chance to move to the opposite side of the futon.

"I'm doing it again. I'm doing it all wrong," he whispered to himself before eyeing me. "Are you hurt? Did I hurt you? The first time?"

I protectively wrapped my arms around my chest. "You were a bit rough with me."

It hadn't felt good at all. It'd hurt so much, and I wondered if it would've been different if he hadn't sought for just his pleasure – if he had paid more attention to me. I still came, but only because he used his mouth on me…

I heard him curse in a loud whisper.

Scared, I clutched at the covers to hide myself.

He halted my hand. "Don't do that."

"I'm cold," I lied.

He leaned across me and turned on the lamp.

His hair was a mess, the side of his face had a mark from lying down for too long on one side, and he had a bit of a scruff.

I'd seen him naked before.

But something about seeing him naked right now, in the dim yellow light, in his futon, as I still felt the strong ache between my legs because he'd been in it…

I blushed, hard.

His cheeks were slightly pink too.

Was Edward Cullen blushing?

My mouth opened and closed, opened and closed, opened – "Kiss me? Edward?"

Something clouded over his eyes. Then he was suddenly on me again, but I wasn't too scared this time because he was gentler than before.

He asked me upfront without sugarcoating anything:

"Do you want to have sex with me again?"

Blunt and straight to the point.

But also honest and sure.

So I gave him my shy nod, and he buried his face in the place between my neck and shoulder and thrust up rhythmically.

He held onto the wooden frame of the futon as it bumped repeatedly against the wall. His pants and groans made me wetter.

It was the second time, and it still hurt. But it was already better.

"I can be gentle too," he promised, and he proved himself to me as I wrung my arms around his neck.

Then I kissed his Adam's apple and his flexing chest, moaning loudly again and again because he said he wanted to hear me.

There was sweat all over us as he moved.

"So good," he grunted. "Jesus, it's so good."

My body was truly responding to him this time, and I was thrilled that I accepted him. I liked the idea that my body was altering itself for him. All for him. Just him.

He moaned my name as he came, and the way he squeezed my fingers with his reminded me of my other first with him – our first kiss.

* * *

><p>I pulled his hoodie back over my head and crawled over to him on my fours.<p>

"Are you hung over?" I asked quietly.

"Kind of." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know how I'm going to make it to school."

School.

I panicked as I checked the time: almost four o'clock.

He watched me, stunned, as I slid away. "Where are you going?"

"Home."

He stopped me with a hand on my stomach, and checked the time also. "Why?"

"We have school."

"And?"

"I'm also supposed to be grounded," I explained as I stumbled out of the mattress.

He looked apologetic and smug at the same time – if that was at all possible – when I hissed at the pain in my lower abdomen.

_"Come on. Relax, and take all of me in. I want you to feel it the rest of the day," _he'd breathed in my ear.

"The Chief won't know. You still have hours before he wakes." His eyes were so soft. "Don't go, Bella."

"I have to," I whispered.

He sat up and rested his elbows on his knees. "Stay. I'll be good. I promise."

God, I was so resigned about everything.

"I don't need promises." Before I knew it, I was slowly going back to him. "You're lucky I'm a pushover."

He tangled his legs and mine together the moment I was below the sheets again.

We would figure it out when morning came.

As his arms surrounded me and possessively dragged my back toward his chest, I prayed that morning would take its sweet time.

* * *

><p>Four thirty.<p>

Edward had fallen back asleep, and I had just woken up again.

I guiltily slipped away from his arms once more and had to stop myself from making a pained sound as I got back up to standing.

The burn was worse now.

Closing his bedroom door behind me, I took my time climbing down the stairs. I winced, taking one step down at a time and remembering each of his eager thrust.

Edward had been so out of control.

"_Give it to me, Bella."_

"_Come on. Wrap those pretty legs around me like a good girl."_

"_Shit, you're dripping all over my thighs…"_

"Bella?"

I screeched, hand flying to my chest, as I cowered into the wall behind me.

Then I blinked as the floor lamp in the living room illuminated the face of Carlisle Cullen.

* * *

><p>He looked disheveled.<p>

He looked… thin.

His hair was shorter than it was the last time I saw him, but he was wearing a beret so I couldn't be too sure.

The things I was absolutely sure about, on the other hand, were his sallow cheeks and slumped shoulders. When I first met him, he seemed like a man who seemed too young to be in his thirties. Now, I had to wonder where the youthful gleam in his eyes went.

"Hi," I breathed, wincing again as I quickly scurried down the rest of the stairs. I shifted my weight from one foot to another. "You're here…?"

He slowly eyed me from head to toe, and I could only guess what he saw: tangled hair, Edward's Forks High hoodie that was much too big for my height, bare legs, curled-in toes, and a nervous smile.

He smirked. "Now what is a good girl like you doing here this late?"

For some odd reason, the way his eyes lingered on my hips made me squirm.

I fidgeted with the hem, casually pulling it down, and crossed my ankles. "Just visiting."

"At nearly five in the morning? Semi-nude?"

I cringed. "I would tell you the truth, but I don't think you'd want to know."

"Oh, I'm sure I don't." His raised eyebrow was directed at something on the sofa, and he seemed very amused. "I'd be devastated if someone told me that the bra and the panties belong to my son."

Oh.

I hung my head, grinding my teeth awkwardly.

"Oh, no worries, sweetie. It's natural teenage behavior." He didn't even bother to muffle his crude laugh. "I get it. I've been there."

Head still ducked, I quickly grabbed my underwear and hid them behind me.

"You two better work on the volume though," he continued, noncommittal, before jerking his chin and gesturing for me to follow down the hall. "_Pretty _fucking loud, in my humble opinion. Must have been that good, huh?"

I was blushing, following close behind him. "I'm only having this conversation because it's with you, Carlisle."

He shot me a smile before stopping down the hall and turning on the light to the bathroom. I watched in confusion as he entered and started the water in the tub.

"Sit," he told me quietly, sticking his hand under the faucet and adjusting the temperature.

I complied, carefully dropping onto the closed toilet and trying not to wince.

"Are you here to see Edward?" I asked him shyly. "Visiting him?"

"Hmm? Oh, yep, I was going to speak with him, but then I heard you two doing you-know-what, so."

"Oh."

"So." The way his mouth curved up made me wonder if he was remembering a private joke. "How's Ed treating you?"

"Huh?" I hesitated. "Um."

"Not in bed, by the way," he teased. "I'm not _that_ imposing."

I blankly watched my foot swing back and forth before gazing upward. "Carlisle, you don't look so good."

"Me? Ah, I'm on this special crash diet." He let out a sudden laughter, making me jump, and sighed dramatically. "My metabolism is slowing down and all. I'm getting old."

"You don't need a diet." I eyed him worriedly. "You look thinner than before." _Thinner than your own teenage son._

"Well, if it's any consolation, no, I'm not on a diet." He snorted, shrugging. "Just a lot of life giving me lemons and my inability to make lemonade. Let's put it at that, shall we?"

I nodded absentmindedly. Now looking at him in a bright room, I noticed that he seemed not only physically drained but also emotionally drained. Sure, he was still flirty with me and everything, but something was amiss.

"You never answered my question, though. Is Ed treating you like a princess or what?"

My mind wandered off to the aggressive sex I just had, and I couldn't breathe.

I was no longer a virgin.

Huh.

"Bella? Are you with me?"

Startled, I looked up.

"Ooh." A mischievous glint sparked Carlisle's eyes. "Did Ed rock your world or what?"

"Oh, um. Well." I licked my lip. "We… we kind of broke up."

"Broke up? When?"

"Last week."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So you two are just fucking."

I sat up straight at that, mouth suddenly dry, but he seemed unapologetic.

"What?" he said, looking at _me _weirdly. "Did I say something wrong?"

Something heavy settled in me, and I suddenly realized how reckless, stupid, irresponsible our – _my _– actions were. At the end of the day, I had just given myself up to someone who just wanted a nice fuck.

"I'm disappointed in you."

I blinked at Carlisle, who was calmly staring back at me. "Disappointed?"

"Do you still like Edward?"

"Yes." I linked my fingers and played with them. "More than ever."

"Okay, so you like him, but you're not willing to win him back? Whoa, this is sad. And I thought you really liked my son."

"No, no, no," I began in a rush, "it was me who ended –"

"That's even worse."

I narrowed my eyes, offended now. "You don't know the whole story."

"Oh, then please enlighten me."

"Yes, I broke it off, but he's still part of my life. And since I'm used to his take-it-or-leave-it ways, I'm going to take whatever he's offering," I said softly, defensively, looking away. I realized that the words sounded stupid when said aloud. I was a pathetic, pathetic girl. "I'm used to him now."

"You're not supposed to get used to it, Bella." His eyes narrowed too. "And are you saying that as long as you get the sex, you don't need to _have _him? Wow."

"I didn't say that!"

"No, but that's how I understand it."

"I was unhappy with him when we were in a relationship, and so was he with me –"

"Which is unsurprising, because it takes much more than sex to keep someone happy."

"You don't understand. First of all –"

"Oh, yes, I do." The tub was full now, and he turned off the water. The room was silent. "And okay, sure, my son isn't exactly the chocolates and flowers kind of guy, and you probably knew that all along. But look at yourself now, sweetheart. Do you have any pride? Either you like him that you keep chasing him and have him – by that, I mean all of him – or you don't like him anymore and dump him. It's simple as that. In my eyes, it seems as though you're more interested in other things, like sex. Or…" His eyes were dark. "You're just giving yourself up – emotionally _and _physically – because you want to keep him in some self-cheapening, desperate way. Which is it?"

His words hit me deep.

"You don't understand." I wrung my shaking hands together. "I know what you mean, but this giving myself up when he needs me is saving me a lot of heartbreak." My voice lowered. "Edward told me once that it's easier when you just let it all go because you have no disappointments or expectations. Now I know he's right. Since I have no more expectations on him, it feels better. And I'm not looking for sex, but if that's what he wants, I'll give it."

"Wow," Carlisle drawled, sounding bitter. "Do you even hear yourself?"

I looked up abruptly. "What?"

"You're in so deep – and not in a good way. This has to be a two-way street, sweetie; it's supposed to be a back-and-forth bargain, not some charity. You don't want to lose yourself."

"But Carlisle," I reasoned pleadingly, "as flawed, as foolish, as messed up as he is, I always wondered what he saw in me. I'm not the noble kind of person he thinks I am – or that sweet, sweet girl he seems to imply all the time. I just… I'm not. I'm not special enough to be that miracle girl who can mend a boy's heart, and I never will be. Is it that bad that I finally realized that and took my last chance to save at least _my _heart? Would anyone expect a girl to wait for her heart to get broken by a boy when he realizes one day that she's no use to him? I'm playing it smart – before he really makes me believe into thinking that I can be that miracle girl. Can you really blame me for that? So yes, I still do have my pride, although it may not be the way most people see it. It's actually _me_ being selfish here, taking all Edward's got when he offers me something."

I didn't want to say that Edward had already broken my heart, though.

Or that I'd given him the chance to find me, but that he didn't take it.

Edward Cullen didn't take it.

"Are you in love with my son?"

This time, I wasn't flustered.

This time, the blond man wasn't breaking out into a grin.

This time, my answer was different.

"I am, and it scares me so much."

Then the coldness melted away and gave way to a brilliant smile on Carlisle's lips. "Attagirl."

I blanked. Oh, no. "You did not."

"Oh, yeah, I did. And you two are just the right amount of messed up for each other. Remind him that I'm still his dad and that I deserve to be invited to you two's wedding."

My jaw dropped. "You – you were –"

"Sorry, sweetie. Just had to hear it from ya." He smirked to himself, obviously satisfied. "You gotta realize, though, you have to change that way of thinking. It's scaring me, and nothing scares me. You teenagers. Stop playing love games and just take the bastard back already. And chase him until he loves you more than you love him. Very simple."

My body felt like goo. "But it's not the same anymore, between him and me."

He seemed to think, then – "True, but that's what love's about. When you hold onto it, your arm hurts. When you let it go, this –" he patted his chest "– hurts."

I shook my head. "I've been trying so hard to get over him, but he's so unaware. And I don't think I can handle more disappointment from him."

"Oh, everyone says that, but they bring the disappointment on themselves over and over. We're all messed up, if you really think about it."

I shyly glanced up and studied this young, handsome father.

"He'll appreciate you one day," he promised me, returning to the water and dropping some herb into it, "and I hope he does appreciate it – the depth of your feelings for him. I sometimes wonder if he's just pretending to be oblivious – and wonder again why the fuck he would fake it. But he's my son and a total mystery, so you'll have to figure that out for yourself."

As all his words sank in, I began to laugh – and it sounded weak. "I'm so scared about trying harder."

"You do realize that whatever mess you two went through, it was just trial one, right? It's not going to work out the first time. Duh."

"But I think I need more time before I jump into trial two," I whispered.

He scrutinized me seriously. "That's understandable. But don't take too long. You don't want to lose him completely."

I sighed and dropped my face into my hands. "I think I'm going crazy."

"Of course you are. You're stupidly in love with the stupidest boy I know – including myself, and that's saying something."

"I think you're a bit old to be a boy, though," I teased.

He was smiling at his legs. "What do you want to be when you grow up, Bella?"

"Me?" Not only was I caught off guard, I also had no answer. "I don't know. I'm still working on it, I guess."

"Better think quick. Time's running out. But do you know what I wanna be?"

"You're in your mid-thirties." I giggled, sniffling. "I say you're a grown-up already."

"But I'm not." His smile dissipated. "The hardest thing to be is to _be_ a grown-up. I'm still working on that." With a grunt, he stood up and patted my hair like I was his little girl. "You remind me of Esme. She was pretty damn gorgeous like you are." Breathing through his nose, he pointed at the mirror cabinet. "Towels are in there. Get warm and bathe yourself, okay? You look like you need it after your… nightly extracurricular activity." He paused, a lecherous smile on his face. "Wait, is my son any good in bed? Is he as good as he looks?"

"Carlisle," I said in embarrassment.

"Ah, had to ask. He's a Cullen through and through." He shrugged and headed toward the door. "And don't forget, Bella. A guy who pushes is actually just pulling."

"I'll remember that." I smiled. "But I have a question."

"Shoot."

"You were gone all this time… How do you know so much about what's going on between Edward and me?"

He grinned mischievously. "If I told you, I would have to kill you."

I snorted, amused.

He also laughed, but before he closed the door – "Oh, please don't tell Edward I dropped by."

I was confused. "Aren't you going to go talk to him?"

"I changed my mind. Bella, you won't tell him, right?"

Although I didn't know why – "Sure. And Carlisle? Thanks. I mean that."

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes in the tub, when my body began to feel a lot more normal that it was before, I dressed back into my original clothes and walked out.<p>

Waiting for me on the cubbies by the restroom were several things: an aspirin, a glass of water, and some lotion.

There was also a note.

_Try using some lotion if you two plan on going at it again tonight._

_With the aspirin. I don't want to sound like a pervert, but you were walking funny. Made me think, if you know what I mean._

_Now that you two are sexually active, use those damn condoms! They're there for a reason. I speak from experience._

_Please take care of my little boy for me._

_Daddy C._

My initial reaction was morbid embarrassment, because he was so blunt and, perfectly honestly, creepy.

Second? Although his ways were wholly unconventional and crass, Carlisle Cullen really did care.

* * *

><p>Edward was still sleeping.<p>

I quietly lay beside him and moved his hand so his fingers were intertwined with mine.

I held it gently in both of my hands, careful not to wake him.

"_And chase him until he loves you more than you love him."_

I sighed. Edward had always had this spell – this charm – on me.

He had this mysterious charisma, and no matter how many times he crushed me, one little charming thing he did in his style – whatever it was – made me stick with him for a whole another month.

Just something about him.

I lightly tickled the palm of his hand, then with a finger…

"_I love you."_ I slowly traced each letter on his palm.

Slowly, his eyes opened.

My heart was beating so, so fast.

When he twisted his head to me, he was staring at my body. "Why are you wearing that?"

I felt blood rush back into my head, so, so, so relieved.

So I laughed. "Are you actually opposed to the fact that I'm wearing clothes?"

"Is that a problem?" He fingered my wet hair, twirling it. "You showered…" He smelled me and smiled. "You smell like me."

With a dreamy sigh, I leaned into his touch and buried my face into his neck.

I never wanted the night to end, but…

"Are you leaving me?"

He sounded so desperate.

"I think so," I whispered back.

"Can you stay for the rest of the night? We can go to school together."

"I have nothing to wear."

"My clothes," he answered without missing a beat.

"I don't want to look like a guy."

"You'll still look plenty girl to me."

"Your clothes won't fit me."

"True, but then everyone in school will know exactly what we've been doing all night."

I snorted. "And how is that a good thing?"

He massaged my hips, and I noticed that the way he touched me had changed. More relaxed, less urgent, but somewhat more possessive.

I bit my lip as his finger kept teasingly slipping in and out of my underwear. "Stop trying to seduce me. We have to think this through."

"But we had sex."

"Sex doesn't make everything better."

"No, but it does make you mine. And now I'm asking what's mine to come back to me." Now his entire hand dipped in and went up and down between my folds. "You're completely soaked, by the way. Don't you want me inside you for the rest of the night? I know I do."

He kissed me fiercely, and I was certain that my face was pink and that he could feel the heat.

He was insatiable.

I pushed him away. "Charlie's _really_ unhappy with me. I wouldn't push it. And you told me you needed more time. I think both of us do." I stilled. "Nothing's changed, Edward."

I could hear the smile in his voice. "And you're touching me this way? Letting _me_ touch _you _this way?"

As if to prove his point, he went to grab my breast and ran a thumb over my nipple.

He must have sensed that I was pulling away because he pulled me closer. "I really miss your cookies."

My hands balled into fists at my sides.

"I can't do this pretending anymore, Bella."

"You said you weren't."

"I'm a liar, remember? I've never left my phone on for the entire week like this," he went on, words faster. "You're driving me insane. I'll protect you, okay? I think I'm ready to do that now. I'm sorry for not protecting you more before."

He was begging.

"But I –"

"And I don't want you to drive in this weather all alone."

But it was barely snowing outside.

Still, it was the first excuse he'd ever made to me that made my heart lift.

"Why are you trying so hard to stay away when I can see that you don't want to?" Even his eyes were asking me the question. "Don't."

It hurt to be with him. It also hurt to stay away. "But you said you didn't need me anymore."

"I didn't mean all the things I said that day. And this one time, I swear it does make it false."

My eyes stung. "Then why did you say those things?"

"Because I realized something." He searched my eyes. "It was weird, seeing someone being so brutally honest with me. Seeing her cry all of a sudden and knowing that it was my fault. I realized…"

I waited, blinking carefully so that the tears would dry up and not fall. "Tell me."

He didn't say anything for a long time. "I realized that the girl never understood how much I cared for her. That she wasn't attuned to my way of doing things as I wasn't to hers. That I'd been throwing my feelings at her like throwing rocks, and that she was hurt because I'd been throwing all this time. I realized that she was someone I had to let slip by me."

I was speechless for a moment.

Did he? Did he really care?

He looked down with wide eyes. "But I'm too selfish for that, and now I want her back."

"Edward. You broke my heart."

"I know."

"I can't – _can't _– have you break it the second time."

"Do you love me?"

My skin pebbled, and I tried to avoid his eyes. "Do you know how angry I was when you told me you loved me and I knew it was false? Were you that desperate? _Why _were you desperate?"

"How do you know it was false?"

"Because you told me you weren't in love with me just two minutes before that!" My voice rose. "You told me you were in love with – with _her_."

"Are you in love with me?"

_Desperately. _"I don't want to think right now. My head hurts."

"My head hurts too."

I suppressed a feeble laugh. "You're hung over."

"No joke."

I took a deep breath. "Are you still drunk? Is that why you're saying these sweet things?"

He didn't reply and seemed as though he wasn't planning to. But – "Bella. Are you in love with me?"

We shared a long look.

"No," I lied. "And I think it's time I really go home now."

I could feel his eyes on me as I pushed the sheets off my legs and stood up.

His hand found my wrist.

"I won't wait for a girl who walks out on me the second time." His gaze, having lost its focus, stayed trained on his bed sheets. "Who tells me she doesn't like me anymore."

_"This has to be a two-way street, sweetie. You don't want to lose yourself."_

And so I gently tugged my arm away. "I don't expect you to wait. Chase me down instead."

* * *

><p>Charlie was blissfully oblivious as I served breakfast promptly at seven o'clock, and I got to school on time in my own clothes and car.<p>

Despite everything, there was only the subtlest change in the way Edward and I interacted.

He gave me a brief hello in class, and I was prepared with a quiet reply this time.

But when I yawned –

"Late night?"

I froze, my hand over my mouth. My cheeks were pink, and I squeezed my thighs together. "You had to ask."

He shrugged. That smirk.

Not another word was exchanged, although we would catch each others' smiles the rest of the class. He would touch me here and there, and I liked it until his fingers tried to slip inside my jeans.

I stamped on his foot as I paranoically glanced around the room for any spying eyes, and he hunched over the table and sniggered; he almost got in trouble for laughing so loudly.

I knew I told him that nothing had changed, but there was no doubt that _something _had. Whoever said that the physical things were insubstantial was so horribly wrong.

Edward Cullen _had _me now. The sex…

"I guess we're a bit ahead of schedule… You may talk amongst yourselves _quietly _for the last five minutes of class," Mr. Wilkins announced, and everyone broke into chatter that was nowhere quiet.

"Do you regret it?"

My head snapped to Edward's direction.

He was intent on packing his things, but I couldn't look away from his face.

Then he glanced up, face wooden. "Do you regret sleeping with me?"

Did I?

I took in a big breath and shook my head no.

The shiest smile found his mouth as he faintly nodded to himself. "If you don't, I don't."

I hid a smile. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you suddenly kiss me that time?"

"You have to be more specific." He broke into a cute, arrogant grin. "I think I've caught you off guard with a kiss more than once."

I bit my lip. "This Monday."

"Oh. That?" He blinked. "It wasn't a kiss."

I gawked. "Okay. Then, um, what was it?"

He shrugged. "You were saying 'fuck,' and it was weird coming out of your mouth."

After being momentarily speechless, I narrowed my eyes. "Just tell me the truth: you wanted to kiss me."

"Maybe. After all," he mused as bent down to level his face to mine, "everything you say seems to be my cue to kiss you."

My lips parted, and his eyes lingered there, then on my neck, and finally on the dip of my breasts. He blinked heavily, wetting his bottom lip with his tongue, and I knew exactly what dirty thoughts were running through his mind – maybe he was reliving last night.

He had been so sensual, the way he moved his hips and thrust in abandon…

I had to stop.

"What color is your underwear right now?"

My eyes widened. "What? Why are you asking me that?"

He blinked. "Maybe because I want to see some colors when I'm going to be daydreaming next class?"

I could feel my heart running away. "You do that a lot?"

"All the time." He had a straight face. "I thought I told you."

Yeah, he did say something about having all these fantasies…

He sat tall and stared down my shirt. "Is that purple or blue?"

I blinked furiously. "Stop."

"Why?"

"It's weird." I gazed at his shoulder. "What if _I_ asked you that? What color underwear _you're_ wearing?"

"I would answer you honestly. I'm wearing gray boxers."

Unable to help it, I peeked at his hips, and because he was sitting, I could see the dark grey.

I'd never blushed in a more obvious shade of red.

He brushed a finger on my cheek and smiled lopsidedly. "I really want to kiss you right now. Can I?"

"Stop it." I didn't sound as annoyed as I would have liked. "This is just wrong. I told you –"

"Would you mind if I kissed you right now?" he persisted, smiling broadly.

Edward Cullen was incorrigibly irresistible, and he knew it.

I hesitated. "Yes. Plus we're in class."

"What if it was accidental?" He balanced himself on the two back legs of his chair as he leaned closer. His lips went to my ear as he whispered, "And from now on, no one gets to touch you except me. Okay?" He pulled away slightly and met my eyes. "You're mine now."

The way his green eyes darkened made my heart flutter. "I know."

Grinning, he leaned back into my ear. "Does that mean you're taking me back?"

I swallowed. "No."

His laugh tickled my ear. "All right. I'll be patient."

I tried to glare at him sideways.

"I'm curious, though." He was fighting a smile. "How long do you hold grudges?"

"This isn't just everyday grudge."

He stopped fighting. "Okay. Can't wait to taste you again, by the way."

His confidence was rousing, and he was looking at my thighs. And for a second, I thought he was talking about a kiss.

"You're a pervert," I muttered, subtly moving my hands over my legs.

He arched an eyebrow. "What's wrong with knowing what I want?"

"Well, if you put it that way." I was saved by the bell; I stood up. "I know what I want too."

He smirked up at me. "Do you?"

He was trying to seduce me and was doing a pretty good job so far. Damn it. It wasn't going to take much for him to really chase me down.

"Of – Of course." I was staring at his chest and shoulders now, and he caught me with a grin. I cleared my throat. "I'm physically attracted to you too, you know."

"Well, I don't mind skipping next class if you want me now." He musingly glimpsed over to the parking lot beyond the classroom window. "I'm not sure if my car's big enough, though."

Oh, God.

"You're a pervert," I said again, more flustered, before running off.

I saw his smile light up his entire face, and for the first time in a week, I knew that the smile was real.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>What do you think? How do you like the interaction between Bella and Carlisle? Does it (sort of) explain why Bella feels so defenseless and stupid when it comes down to Edward? And do you like longer or shorter chapters? Sorry, lots of questions! Leave me some love! Next chapter should be interesting, btw (imo). A lot of fun and events coming your way. . .

Sarah


	28. Chapter 27

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN**

* * *

><p>I should have thought it through when I gave Edward my virginity.<p>

He was doing everything a boy could do to win me back, and he made it seem effortless.

I was putty in his hands, and it had only been a day.

When school ended, I was in a rather poor mood. Edward had literally been a hairbreadth away from kissing me when he unexpectedly pulled me into the empty boys' restroom after English – only to promptly leave me. And during the last class of the day, he'd sent text messages, all equally dirty and suggestive.

School was out now, and his eyes briefly shot to me as I neared him on my way out of the building. Unbeknownst to the student body around us, he grazed my butt as I breezed past him.

I twisted around, surprised, but he only acknowledged me with the half-smile on his profile as he walked off the other direction.

He turned for a moment and mouthed, "Check your phone."

And sure enough: _Tomorrow. My house. –Edward_

Second message: _If you want to. –Edward_

Third message: _I know you want to :) –Edward_

For some reason, I looked around me, even though it shouldn't have mattered if anyone was watching. Still, I brought my phone closer to me and quickly punched back my response: _Are you soliciting? –Bella_

_Am I? –Edward_

Oh, Edward.

_Must have been that good, huh? -Bella_

Moments later:

_Just say yes. –Edward_

Smiling to myself like the hopeless girl I was, I pushed myself through the crowd and started to unlock my locker when I heard a voice call my name.

I was petrified as Alice Hale rushed to my side.

I stared, at a loss, as I momentarily studied my surroundings – just in case she was talking to someone else.

"Bella, right?" asked Alice, and it was the first time I ever saw a hint of a smile on her usually emotionless face.

"Uh." I numbly swung open the locker door. "Yeah. Hi, Alice."

Then she grinned with her entire face, and that made me smile for a second. She was a cute little girl, but probably no one ever noticed or bothered to point that out.

But her next words shocked me:

"Is it true that you and Edward broke up?"

My mouth opened and closed as I tried to think of an appropriate answer, but I realized that all she needed was confirmation and that she thought she got it with the anxious, worried look on my face.

"Just wanted to double-check," she said happily.

Before I could utter a single word, she skipped off down the hallway.

* * *

><p>Confused, I trudged down the stairs, on my way to the exit doors.<p>

"Hey, Captain, you all right? You're like a zombie today."

At the echoing voice of Mike Newton from downstairs, I curiously bended over the rail and searched the hallway below me.

"Really?" Edward's voice… _happy._ "I'm actually feeling pretty good. I just didn't get much sleep last night. Yeah, that should be it."

"That insomnia kills, eh?" Emmett. Then he muttered to himself, "Damn, I don't want to go to practice today."

There was smirk in Edward's voice. "Not insomnia this time."

I bended over more, morbidly inquisitive and heart beating in a flutter, but I couldn't see well. Emmett was nowhere in my line of sight, and I could only catch a glimpse of Edward's back; I could see Mike though.

"Lay off on the booze on school night, will ya?" Mike shook his head, although smiling. "No wonder you looked hung-over this morning."

"I wasn't just drinking last night."

Emmett laughed. "What is that supposed to mean?"

I blushed as I heard Edward half-muffled snicker.

Mike looked mildly disgusted. "No way, Edward. It's been, what, less than a week since you broke up with Bella, and you're already sticking your dick inside some other girl's pussy? That's all kinds of messed up."

Long pause.

"You slept with _Bella_ last night?" Mike said, eyes big.

"Might have," Edward muttered.

"That's even more messed up, man," Mike cut in. "You _know_ she's still hung up on you. If you're using her… That is… Edward, she's not just any pussy. If you're using her just to get yourself off… She's my friend, and I won't forgive you for that."

"Mike. She was a willing participant, so I'm not doing any of those things."

Emmett's abnormally serious voice: "Then what _are _you doing?"

"I don't know." Edward leaned the side of his body on the wall, ankles crossed. "But I'm not using her."

Mike seemed displeased. "But I know you too well, buddy."

"You're such a hypocrite."

"Maybe," Mike shot back, "but I don't seduce my ex-girlfriends like you do."

"Not funny, Newton."

"Wasn't trying to be."

Silence.

"She didn't put up a fight." Edward twisted his head to the side, and I could see his profile. Pensive. "She didn't resist me even when I –" He scowled the tiniest bit. "When I…"

"TMI, bro." Emmett. Groaning. "You're killing me."

"She wanted me too." Edward sounded far, dreamy. "But why?"

"What do you want me to say?" Mike looked exasperated. "Your life is already so fucked up I'm not even surprised you have a lady problem on top of that."

"The kinds of friends I have…"

"You know he's kidding," Emmett said numbly.

Mike calmly glared at Emmett.

"Kind of," Emmett tossed in nervously. "So was she any good?"

Pause.

Edward's posture straightened. "Snap out of it, and fuck off, Em."

"Whoa, what did I do?"

"You're not getting anywhere near her."

"I didn't say anything, man."

"Bella's mine."

Pause. "Right. You two aren't even together anymore."

Silence.

"But now what?" Mike. "You two are just going to keep fucking?"

"If she wants to." Edward looked down at the floor, smiling a little. "And I'm sure she does."

Mike again. Repulsed. "But you're _not_ planning to get back together with her?"

I waited for Edward's answer with bated breath.

"No."

"So just fucking."

"Probably."

"Look, I don't want to butt in because it's not my business. But I'm sure Bella doesn't know about this, and she might have other thoughts." Mike, sarcastic. So, so, sarcastic. "She might, you know, actually really, really like you and, unlike you, want more than just, well, a _nice fuck_."

Pause. "Hey, what I meant was –"

"Hello, Bella."

I spun around, startled, to see my Calculus teacher stepping down the stairs and smiling at me.

My eyes darted from the floor beneath me and back to the teacher before I muttered a hello back and ran back up the few number of stairs I'd climbed down.

* * *

><p>I used another set of stairs down the other side of the hallway.<p>

My legs were shaking so bad, as if I had just ran a mile or had been sitting for way too long. I suddenly had a headache, and my breaths were slightly shaky. It was ridiculous, but –

Just fucking?

But what was Edward going to say after that?

If my teacher hadn't interrupted, I would have heard the rest of the answer and then…

My steps slowed.

_And then what?_

My phone buzzed in my jean pocket.

_Tomorrow's the day. Excited? –Royce_

I stared at the screen for a long time.

Royce, the charming college boy.

Royce, an older guy who liked me, even if it was for the wrong reason.

Royce, whom Edward detested.

Royce, who kissed me and liked it.

Royce, who told me all Edward wanted was to woo me out of my pants.

Royce, who was right all along.

_Can you make it today? –Bella_

A few minutes later:

_What time? –Royce_

* * *

><p>Sitting limply on the porch step, I yawned for the third time.<p>

Royce was twenty-three minutes late.

Just as I was about to call, though, his car pulled in.

"You're late," I told him, annoyed, as he slid out the car.

"You can't blame me for wanting to look nice for my date, right?" Royce gestured at himself, and with that beanie, sweater, jeans, and boots, he did look really nice. "Careful, you're drooling."

Flushing, I cleared my throat. "Isn't it usually the girl trying to look nice for the guy? And it's not a date."

"Yeah, I see you're all dressed up with the hoodie and jeans…" He seemed very amused, checking me out. "Well, besides, I finally got this beautiful girl I've been crushing on to agree to go out with me. Of course I want to look good." He winked. "And it certainly is a date."

Royce held out a hand.

I scowled.

"Come on," he moaned playfully, "I'm not asking for a kiss this time. It's just a hand."

I sighed loudly and took it as he helped me up with a smirk.

* * *

><p>"How long are you staying in Forks?" I asked randomly as we strolled down the street.<p>

_"But I__'m not using her."_

"I'm extending my stay for a few more weeks."

"What?" A laugh bubbled out of me for some reason. "Why?"

He gave me an intentionally cheesy smile, waggling his eyebrows and everything. "Just for you, beautiful."

"Oh, shut up."

"Yeah, I'm kidding." Royce smiled wider. "I don't know. Just. It's so much more fun here, you know?"

Just like that, the conversation died off.

_"She was a willing participant."_

Royce had taken me out to dinner and to his favorite La Push beach, and he hadn't tried anything with me so far.

It was very confusing, not that I wanted him to be all over me…

All these boys in my life were messing with my head.

_"If she wants to."_

"So why did you break up with Edward again?"

I stopped short, and he stopped too, raising an eyebrow back at me.

"_Bella's mine."_

"And why do you care?" I said, suspicious.

"I don't." He shrugged and started down the street again. "I just thought talking would be better than just being awkward."

I was jolted with laughter, speeding up and catching up to him. "You're an idiot."

"You're the first girl to call me that, beautiful."

I shivered and sighed. "Stop calling me that."

He smirked, smug. "Hmm, and why not?"

"It's…" I shrugged, "pretentious."

"But I thought your name meant 'beautiful.' How is it pretentious?"

"Look, Royce…" I sighed again, louder. "My name isn't a lost irony on me."

"Trust me. It's not ironic."

I was taken aback, and when I looked at him, he seemed pretty serious.

But I also knew that this boy knew how to play the game.

"And _you're_ the first guy to call _me_ that." I averted my gaze down to my moving feet, strangely ruffled. Must be his good looks. "Calling me 'beautiful,' I mean."

"Ah, Edward hasn't tried calling you that?"

I zoned out. Edward Cullen? "Nope, he's not the type."

"He's the real idiot, isn't he?"

His tone was way too bright again, and I didn't like it. But… "Yeah, he is."

When we reached his sedan by the other side of the alley, Royce took me by surprise and shoved me into the car door.

Breathless, I slowly glanced at both of his arms caging my body and gaped.

My heart was running away, and God, why was I nervous?

"Royce," I said slowly, hesitantly, "what are you doing?"

"Edward hasn't tried this either, huh?" he said, eyebrows up naughtily, as he took in my genuinely perturbed face. "Obviously."

Then he dove in for a kiss, but I slanted away the last minute and his lips touched my temple instead. Oh, wow.

Royce ducked his head in defeat, his blond hair tickling my neck, and chuckled. "You and your mixed signals. Wow."

I gently pushed on his shoulders, attempting to get him off me.

He didn't budge and raised his face again. "Do you like me or not?"

My eyebrows went up. "Neither."

"Neither?" He ducked his head again and laughed. "And how am I supposed to interpret that?"

"Um." I subconsciously glimpsed down at his lips and licked mine. "I don't get your question."

He met my eyes fully, and his eyes were so blue and piercing. "Okay, see, with the way you're looking at me right now, I'm thinking that you want me to kiss you…" He leaned close, and I ducked away again. "But then you do that. Why?"

"Because…"

"Please don't tell me you don't do kisses on first dates…"

"I wasn't going to."

He smiled, eyes searching me. "Then what is it?"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"First of all, I really regret kissing you that other night." I took in a deep breath. "And more importantly, I know you're just using me to get even with Edward."

He nodded very slowly. "And you're letting me."

I was speechless for a second. "And I'm letting you."

"That doesn't mean I don't genuinely find you attractive, by the way."

"Look…" I was getting uncomfortable with the closeness of his face to mine. "I'm sorry if I gave you mixed signals. It wasn't intentional…"

"What?" He waited, but when I didn't answer, he crushed his body a bit closer. "If you're letting me use you, then why won't you let me do it all the way?"

I narrowed my eyes and kicked him on the leg. He hobbled off, wincing and smiling.

"Come on! You know I was kidding!" he said, howling in pain and still jumping up and down. "Damn, and you're so small."

"You weren't kidding, and we both know it!" I tried to collect myself, feeling oddly exposed and breathless. "That was wrong. Just – wrong."

He snorted. "Like kissing your ex?"

_Or like having sex with my ex._

I started, breathing deeply. "Look… I just wanted to have some fun tonight, okay? That's all. I was having a bad day, and I thought I could use some company."

"Oh, bad day?" Royce beamed and crossed his arms. "Nice. Did Edward do something again? This should be good."

My glare did not waver, and that seemed to be more confirmation to Royce.

He shook his head, lost in his thoughts, forehead wrinkling. "I don't get it."

"Don't get what?"

"I mean, why are you so hung up Cullen?" He scowled, as if he seriously meant what he said. "I mean, he's a good-looking guy, all right, but that's about it."

"There's so much more," I said before I could stop myself. I looked down. "You don't understand."

Royce breezily waved a hand, challenging me. "Go on."

I narrowed my eyes again. "Okay, well, how about _you _answer this: why are you so hung up on getting even with Edward?"

Royce did not like that. "Stay out of my business."

"I would, but since I'm part of your plan…"

"You were – _are – _willing."

"Oh, you know what I mean!" I rubbed a finger on my eyebrow. "Fine, just unlock your car already. I'm cold."

"Nuh uh." All sly and slow, he caged me again. "So now that you know what I want, you have to tell me what _you_ want."

"What?"

His eyes twinkled is mischief. "Explain what you meant by wanting to have fun tonight. With me."

My heart counted the silent seconds that followed, and against my will, I blushed. "Are you… No, of course I wouldn't – I didn't mean it that way!"

"Yeah?" He laughed aloud. "Are you sure? You did say this wasn't a date…"

I closed my eyes, mortified. "Just get me home, please?"

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"What the –" My eyes flew open. "Of course it's a –"

"Who's there?"

Down the corner, a man in a police uniform stepped out. For a second, I panicked because I thought it was Charlie.

He wasn't – thank God – although I panicked again as his eyes swept over us from head to toe and took in the way Royce was forcefully pressing into me.

The police officer sighed, pointing his flashlight at us. "What are you kids doing here?"

"Just…" I began, confused, as I tried to get help from Royce. But he seemed just as confused. "Um…"

The officer's eyes narrowed. "I heard a lot of shouting…" Suddenly looking sharp and alert, he quickly glimpsed over at Royce before looking at me. "I mean, he wasn't –"

Oh, wow.

I blushed furiously. "No, sir. Of course not." I slipped an arm around Royce's and pulled him close. I thought I saw him smirk from the corner of my eyes as he slyly wrapped a hand on my hip. "We're just on a date. Nothing happened."

The middle-aged man sighed, intentionally blinding us with his flashlight again. "Look, kids, it's getting dark, and even this small town is pretty dangerous at night. It's best if you two go home."

"Yes, sir," Royce cut in smoothly, unlocking his car.

I grinned brightly at the man as he gave me one last concerned look, and when he was gone, Royce and I doubled over in the biggest laughter.

"My God, did you see his face?"

"He thought – he thought I was –"

"Don't you dare say it! Wow, and I thought it was my dad at first!"

"Man, this is the weirdest first date ever…"

We were smiling at each other by then, holding our stomachs and breathing heavily.

Then he quickly brushed his lips on my cheek.

Dazed, I caressed myself there. "That was so uncalled for."

He rolled his eyes and opened the door for me. "Yeah, right. You totally wanted me to."

* * *

><p>"Strict dad?" Royce asked me with a small smirk as he parked near the woods by my house as I asked. "Wait, Chief of Police, right?"<p>

"Yep."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Overprotective?"

"Very."

"No-dating rules or something?"

"Not really, but you can say that." At the look Royce gave me, I sighed and unbuckled myself. "I know. Poor me."

Then we exchanged tentative smiles, and it was quiet for a second. I wondered if I should just walk out…

"Why did you invite me today if you knew, Bella?"

I froze, glimpsing at him. "Well. I guess I knew I was using you too. I mean, I told you I was having a bad day. I needed a distraction."

He began to nod, seemingly absorbed in his own thoughts. "Right. I think I understand. Anyway, whatever stupid shit Edward did – both this time and last time – don't forgive him easily, okay?" He anxiously tapped a finger on the wheel. "And I think I actually do like you. You're… cool. I mean it."

"I like you too, Royce," I said timidly before reaching for the door.

"Wait."

He was staring at me now, eyes fluttering over my eyes, nose, hair, and mouth.

"Careful, you're drooling," I said the words right back at his face.

Royce smirked, still having a hard time prying his eyes off me. "Can't help. I think I'm in love."

"Yeah, very funny." I attempted to return the smile. "Thanks for the dinner. Tonight was more fun than I thought it would be."

"Same."

He playfully blew me a kiss – joking, "My pseudo goodnight kiss to you!" – as he drove off, and I couldn't seem to walk away even as he turned down the corner.

I had a feeling about something, but I wasn't sure what it was.

* * *

><p>I lied to Charlie that I was going to the library as I headed out the next day.<p>

Strangely, I felt powerful – determined – because at last, I was ready.

I was going to directly ask Edward for some answers because I needed to have them now for my sanity. That way, I would no longer have to straddle between having to give up on him and having to struggle in misery. I didn't want any of that anymore; I was tired of feeling as if I only had those two options.

And I didn't care about anything else except for the fact that right now, right this minute, Edward meant the whole world to me, and I needed to find out what his hidden secrets were. I needed him to tell me now.

"Why did you ring the doorbell?" were his first words as he opened the door, giving me that devastating grin. "You know you can just come in."

I shrugged, but I was momentarily distracted at his disheveled look: black-rimmed glasses, baggy sweats low on his hips, and unbuttoned red flannel shirt. He was slightly sweaty and looked as if he woke up not so long ago.

He laughed, as if he knew, and was nowhere hesitant as he snatched my hand and pulled me in.

I kept my eyes away from his naked front. "Am I too early?"

"Nope."

I squirmed uncomfortably as Edward started to pace around the living room area, picking up granola bar wrappers, pizza boxes, and laundry.

The house was unusually very unkempt today.

And dark.

And cold.

I shivered, looking around.

"Sorry. The heater kind of… broke," I heard him say as he then walked into the kitchen.

This time, I studied my surroundings more carefully.

The television wasn't on.

Weird. It was always on.

Confused, I turned around to scrutinize the lights in the different rooms.

All the lights were off.

An undesirable thought hit me, and without thinking, I rushed into the kitchen and tried the sink.

The water didn't run.

"Unbelievable," I whispered loudly, eyes widening at the realization.

I startled as Edward came up from behind me and stuck his hands in the front pockets of my jeans.

"You know, it's much warmer upstairs," he murmured in my ear.

But I shied away from his arms and looked at him worriedly. "Are you feeling cold?"

Looking confused, Edward gestured to his dressed-down body. "Do I look like I am?"

Ignoring him, I buttoned his shirt down and warmed his cold hands with mine. "Did you eat at all today?"

Then he went stiff for a second before nodding carefully. "Sort of. Not really."

I reached for the fridge but stopped. "Do you have anything in there?"

"Nothing that would spoil."

"Did you get to wash yourself today?"

He leaned against the counter with crossed arms, now watching me with an amused smile. "At Newton's Olympic Outfitters."

I spun around in a circle and took everything in with slightly more hysteria. "When did this happen?"

Edward scrutinized me, zoning out for a second, before shrugging. "Last night."

Feeling weak, I let out a scoff in disbelief and rested myself against the island table. "Edward, this is… this is serious. You have to talk to him. You have to see your dad. He can't do this to you."

But he just raised an eyebrow, unconvinced.

"You're not going to be able to go off on your own like this."

"It's all right," he mumbled, staring at his feet. "It just takes time for him to understand me."

"Takes time?" I said, getting more and more upset with each word. "So then what? In the meantime, you're just going to continue to live in this?"

"I'll survive." Pause. "I don't want to see him right now."

"Do you know how cold it gets in Washington around this time of the year?" I hated sounding so nagging, but he was being unreasonable. Once more, I studied the dim room in exasperation. "Edward, you don't deserve this."

"It's going be fine." He tried to walk off, but I blocked him. "Bella, it's okay."

"It's not okay. You have to talk to him. Or…" I pressed my lips adamantly. "Or I will."

"And why would you do that?" His posture changed – straightened – as he slightly parted his legs and crossed his arms again. His deadpan eyes settled on my face. "Do you _want_ me to go back to Chicago?"

I clenched my jaw. "That's not what I meant –"

"Do you want me to leave Forks, Bella?"

Silence. "No –"

"Good, then. End of discussion." He clutched my arms and kissed me, all soft and sensual. "And end of talking, okay?"

Our kiss quickened and then slowed, mouths coming apart and coalescing, and he tipped my chin up.

"I wanted to talk to you about something," I murmured, but he drew me closer. The way his tongue tried to open my mouth wider told me he wasn't interested. "It's important."

His hands went to my thighs as he lifted me easily.

"You have to wrap your legs around me," he teased, faltering backward a little and trying to place his hands on my thighs better. "Gotta help me on this."

I shook my head, eyes serious. "I don't think I want to do this. Not now."

He smiled, so sly and coy, and raised an eyebrow. "But I'm trying to chase you down, remember? This is all part of the plan."

Then his lust slowly drove me into lust, and I was the willing participant all over again.

Ten minutes later, as my naked back hit the cold sheets of his futon, he penetrated me because I begged him to, and I was moaning his name –

Moaning his name, and wondering why every time it felt like things were starting to look better, things actually got more dysfunctional –

Wondering why, and trying to figure out why sex was becoming the solution to our problems when it never should –

Trying to figure out why, and not understanding why every day we only became more and more pathetic –

Not understanding why – … and wondering where my pride had gone.

* * *

><p>It was his third time inside me, but it was the first time I fully climaxed.<p>

But why did I feel so miserable?

I breathed heavily, face on his chest. I was sweating – or was it Edward? I wasn't sure anymore, with our bodies and limbs entangled so tightly.

This was all wrong.

"I'll go meet your dad for you. I'll go talk to him," I said quietly, while trying to calm my breathing, "if you want me to."

Edward stilled. "What?"

"I'll do it. I can do it."

He forced my head up so he could see me properly.

"I can do that for you." I rubbed my eye, blinking. "I can do anything for you. I really can."

Then because I didn't want to hear him object, I kissed him with all I had and muffled whatever his next words were.

My eyes smarted, and my nose stung as I straddled his stomach. He watched me with a dumbfounded face as I framed the sides of his face and kissed him harder.

"I can give you this too. Over and over," I mumbled, placing his hand on my clit. He readily rammed two fingers inside me and moved them in and out. "Just ask me, and I'll do it."

The next thing I knew, Edward was rolling on a new condom.

He drove in me the second time today, and the pressure startled me, more painful than pleasurable although I was sure I was drenched.

"Do you want me faster? Harder?" he asked breathlessly, trying to hold me so he could have me easier.

"I just want you," I mumbled, hiding my face in his neck as he had his wild way with me.

He didn't understand my words – when did he ever? – and jackhammered into me. The whole futon was moving, the legs scraping noisily on the floor.

Then I began to cry, clinging onto his shoulders and digging my nails there because I wanted to hurt him as much as I wanted him – as much as he was hurting me.

"_Either you like him that you keep chasing him and have him – by that, I mean all of him – or you don't like him anymore and dump him."_

"I just want all of you," I said still, softer. "All of you."

And Edward kept going and going for a long time until finally, he let out a strangled groan. His body twitched and moved erratically for a few moments before he went stiff and collapsed on top of me.

Was this his way of protecting me better?

As he kissed my face and rolled off to the side, I looked the other way and tried to wipe off the tear trails on my cheeks.

"That felt so good." He swiped my hair off my neck and sucked on the area there. "Can I have some more?"

"Just give me a minute."

"But I want more now," he almost whined, trying to make me face him.

Nodding numbly, I turned to him. "Okay."

He was smiling, although confusedly, as he sat up against the wall. "Why are you crying?"

I ignored the question and mounted his body again. "How do you want me?"

"Wanna try being on top?"

I smiled weakly. "Sure."

He watched me as I moved my hand up and down his length and tried to get him ready again, and with the way he eagerly fondled my breasts, it didn't take long.

A while later, he pulled on another condom and began to guide my hips, eyes darkening. "Just ride me as fast as you can. I want to watch you."

"Okay." My voice sounded off even to my own ears. "Edward. How did you hold back for so long?" I immediately shook my head and tentatively lowered myself on him. "Never mind."

But I was too new to this to be able to move properly – to move in a way that I could please him.

"Edward." My lips curled down in discomfort, and I felt the urge to pull him back out. "Too… deep…"

"It's okay; it fits." He threw his head back in a groan, and tensed his grip so I couldn't move away. "Just start moving."

I anchored my hands on his chest, trying to make my hips lift and fall but… "It's too deep, Edward. I…" I shut my eyes close, clamping my lips together and moaning softly. "It's just… too big… I can't…"

"You can't say stuff like that and expect me to stop," he whispered in my ear, his hands grabbing my hips harder and slamming me down. "You're so small; I can toss and turn you any way I want to."

"That," I went along quietly, "and I'm powerless."

"Completely." He grinned so beautifully that it made my stomach clench. "Come on, Bella. Ride me like you mean it."

Gritting my teeth, I grasped his shoulders and went as fast as I could.

"Yeah, that's right. That's how I want it," he rasped in my ear, rolling his own hips so he could impale me better. "Jesus. So tight. Does it feel good for you too?"

"Yeah," I said, and I meant it and did not mean it at the same time.

Soon, I was bouncing on his lap, and his teeth sunk into my bottom lip when we came together.

"_But look at yourself now, sweetheart. Do you have any pride?"_

And I couldn't do it anymore. I thought I could, but no.

I abruptly stopped just as he came down from his high, and it took him a second before he noticed that I had gone stiff.

His glazed eyes were looking at me, but not seeing. "What's wrong?"

Dipping my head low, I got on my knees and pulled him out of me. In the sudden silence, I buried my face into his neck and held my breath.

Before I knew it, I was crying. Crying, crying, crying. Shoulders shaking. Tears drooping. Sniffling. Muffled sobbing. Shuddering breaths.

"Bella?"

Physically, emotionally, mentally – how much more was he planning to abuse me before he was satisfied?

"_You're just giving yourself up because you want to keep him in some self-cheapening, desperate way."_

"Edward," I whispered tremulously, "I want you so bad. I want all of you. I want to be selfish, and I just want you for myself."

"I want you too." He sounded so far away, and the way he was patting down my messy hair wasn't so comforting. "I want you for myself too."

"No." I hugged him tight. "What I mean is I want you to look at me and me alone. I should have never broken up with you." My toes curled in. "Would you be mine?"

"I'm yours." He leaned back and looked at me, clueless, planting small kisses on my cheeks. "I'm all yours. See?"

I shook my head. "I hate this. I hate that you try to use me and that I let you. Why do I let you? Why are you so dictating? Why am _I_ chasing you all over again?"

"What are you talking about?"

"_She didn't stop me."_

"I overheard you talking with Emmett and Mike yesterday after school." Heart beating furiously, I raptly watched for any change in his expression, but I couldn't see it. "Were you serious? That we're just –"

"Bella…"

"But you said you wanted me back. Right? You weren't –"

– _lying, right?_

Something inside me died. He always lied.

"What did you hear?" Edward said quietly.

I continued to search his eyes, desperate. "That we're not going to get back together. That we're just going to have sex."

"And what else?"

He was watching me now.

Suddenly indifferent.

Cold.

He dropped his gaze. "Never mind."

I waited for him to explain – at least make excuses.

Nothing came.

"Why am I not good enough for you?" I felt hopeless as I tried and failed to get his eyes back on my face. "I try so hard. What can I do for you? What could I have done differently? Your actions constantly contradict your words, and I know I told you it's over, but it's not. I thought it wasn't over for you too – you told me it wasn't –"

Wordlessly, Edward reached over us for his flannel shirt, draped it around my shoulders, and pulled my arms through the sleeves.

He didn't hold me.

"Go ahead," he said finally. "You can slap me in the face if that will make you feel better."

Again, no explanations, no excuses.

Nothing.

But as much as I wanted to, I didn't have the energy to physically inflict pain on him, much less look at him.

God, I wanted to stop crying, but I couldn't. I was so tired of crying, but what else was I supposed to do?

Edward quietly scooted to the other side of the futon and waited, gazing blankly at my folded knees as if he couldn't dare to look anywhere else.

"So that's it? We're just fucking?" My whole face was dripping wet. "Is that all we're doing now?"

"What are you trying to tell me?"

"_Are you in love with me?"_

"I'm in love with you," I whispered. "What do you think about that?"

His eyes flitted over to my face, lingered there, before dropping.

He didn't look shocked. He didn't look pleased or happy, either. In fact, he didn't look like he was feeling anything.

He didn't feel anything?

Edward languidly tapped a finger on the bedside drawer, the sound only accentuating the thick silence between us.

Then he looked at me. "Do you want to know why I have so many secrets? Why I keep them from you?" Even though I didn't answer, he went on. "My life is so disgustingly real, and I _hate _it when it looks fake to other people – because in reality, those secrets are actually what makes my life so real that it fucks with my head. My life – it's happening. Right now. Completely real. But those secrets just ruin everything when all I ever want to do is… _live _real. And Bella, you're the one person who sees my life as real as it is, and I don't want to lose you."

Edward Cullen was a paradox. He was being real by faking?_  
><em>

Unthinkingly, I reached for his body and hugged him, but he groaned and shied away.

"What, you can't even give me this anymore?" I said, sounding more hurt than I should be. "I thought you wanted this. This – this physical stuff!"

"You don't know anything," he said back, words sharp. Then – "Damn it –" He started to button down the shirt he put over me. "This is distracting."

I kept my head ducked as he brushed my hair off my shoulders and continued to button his way down.

His hands would falter every time a teardrop landed on them.

When he was done, he stood up, got dressed, and headed to the door. He wasn't looking at me

"I'm going to head out now, but if you want to stay here longer, you can." He hesitated, hand on the doorknob now. "I wish… I thought you had more trust in me."

I distantly heard his footsteps fade away down the hall, down the stairs, and then out the front door. Outside, his car vroomed, and it slid out the driveway.

The house was silent.

He'd really left.

And he was right. This wasn't a fake reality. This – what we had between us – whatever was happening in his life and mine – was _real _and imperfect_._

And then I realized that the notion of love, so often discussed in perfect-fake books and perfect-fake movies, didn't really exist in the world as real as this.

At least, not in his.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> So a lot happened. What is Bella missing? What did Edward mean? Was this chapter a bit unexpected? Many new characters to be introduced in the following chapters, and I'm _so_ excited (btw, this story will be around 40 chapters – is that too long? so many things to cover, though – give or take a few). See you soon! So stoked that so many of you are enjoying this story.

Sarah


	29. Chapter 28

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT**

* * *

><p>Every day, I was learning.<p>

About Edward. About me. About us.

I was only now realizing that the harder I fell, the harder everything else also fell – apart.

And the harder everything fell apart, the more I grew to question him the things he wasn't ready for.

Before I knew it, we were stumbling over stupid things, becoming stupid people. Then there came the feeling of exhaustion, and by that time, we were just too weak and a distance apart.

We were so far apart.

I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

I hadn't talked to Edward for two weeks; I'd only caught glimpses of him at school – at longer intervals during the one class we shared the table.

If anything, he looked like hell, and I wasn't sure if I looked any better.

My world was hazy; my thoughts were hazy. Everything was in a mist, either hidden or just indecipherable, and the worst thing was that trying to figure it out was not an available option anymore.

I wished we hadn't been so late.

Still, _he _was always there, like a shadow, an imprint. And even the hazy thought of him overpowered me because – _I love him. I love him. I love him._

No matter how many times I said those words – in my thoughts or aloud – I never heard back a response.

I couldn't help but wonder.

If my smile was as beautiful as _hers_ – if I were as tall as she – if I were blonde – if I had blue eyes instead of brown, would he have fallen in love with me?

The sudden ringing of the phone jolted me out of my daydreams.

Mr. Wilkins shushed the startled class as he crossed the room and picked it up.

Sighing, I returned to the assignment at hand.

"Mr. Cullen?"

From beside me, Edward righted himself and raised an eyebrow.

Mr. Wilkins beckoned the boy over with the curl of the finger, the phone still at his ear. "The Principal wants you at the main office."

Right away, the class let out a chorus of, "Ooh," while Tyler Crowley guffawed, "What is it this time, Cullen?"

With a stern glare, Mr. Wilkins tried to silence the class once more.

I watched indifferently as Edward slowly sauntered down the aisle and approached the teacher's desk, all while remaining impassive and quiet. And then –

"They say it's your father from Seattle."

Edward's steps staggered the tiniest bit.

"He wants to see you."

My eyes widened.

The whole class went back to teasing again, but I could hardly hear the commotion.

All I could see was him – his clenched jaws, his hardened eyes, and his longer, falsely braver strides as he headed out the door.

And I was the only one who noticed.

Hazy. So hazy.

* * *

><p>There was not much time left before the period was over, but the lecture went on.<p>

I felt oddly calm and agitated at the same time.

The tick-tock of the clock was much too loud in the hushed classroom, and I was anxiously biting on my nails.

I looked down to the side where Edward had been sitting just five minutes ago, and studied the unintelligible doodles he'd made on his notes.

There were questions marks all over.

Questions marks.

Questions.

Oh.

As much as I needed answers, so did Edward, right?

About everything.

Everything.

Everything seemed normal. It was as though no one knew what Edward's father's being here meant.

Of course no one knew.

I was the only one. I was the only one who – at least – tried to understand.

I raised my hand, and when Mr. Wilkins acknowledged me, I asked permission to use the restroom.

I was already walking toward the door before he gave me a yes.

And before I knew it, I was flying down the hall and out into the courtyard to the main office.

* * *

><p>The bell rang just as I reached there.<p>

I stood in the middle of the courtyard, chest rising and falling rapidly because I was out of breath, and the entire student body was suddenly streaming out of the buildings.

People crisscrossed down the field, tossing me annoyed looks because I was in their way, but I stood my ground, all my attention transfixed on the man and the boy hovering in front of the main office.

I was caught off guard to see that Mr. Masen was a nondescript man. He had neatly styled sandy brown hair, and although pretty tall, he was significantly several inches short of his stepson. His body was bony to the extreme, his frame all angular and linear.

Again, nothing out of the ordinary – only the cold, hard stare and his forceful presence were so powerful that it made me cower even from a distance.

Then I saw Edward.

Head ducked. Eyes slightly wide. Looking angry. Looking humiliated in the sea of people. Looking like he could bolt any second. Looking like a scorned child in front of his idolized father.

He looked little.

"No more of your games. No more questions. No more complaints." Mr. Masen, looking completely poised even as a few students gave curious glances his way, kept his hands in his pantsuit pockets. He spoke softly, but his tone was commanding. "You're coming with us."

"I can't." Edward. Soft-spoken. Again, little. "Dad, I –"

"Enough."

Edward quieted instantly.

"We're all moving back, and I can't leave you here alone. I won't do that. What kind of father do you think I am?"

"It's my last year in high school; I don't see the point –"

"What's the difference between going to Chicago later in the fall and now? Stop acting goddamn petulant."

No.

It wasn't Edward's fault. None of it was.

And it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to him – to _me_.

And where did the overly confident Edward Cullen go?

I hated it. I hated it so much; why did he have to make himself so little like that?

"Start packing your things as soon as possible. I'll take care of everything else."

"What? You can't –" Edward startled, but with the cruel stare Mr. Masen gave him, he quickly ducked his head back down. "I don't want to –"

"You listen to me, Edward," the father continued, the cool anger chilling even me. "I don't know what you're playing at, but you have to get your wits together. You're not a child anymore."

And then suddenly, something in Edward's eyes came alive, and he was turning away, _walking _away…

"Hey. Hey! Where do you think you're going!" Mr. Masen reached to grab Edward's collar in a fist. "You do _not_ give your father that kind of disrespect! Do you understand?"

Edward visibly stilled, vacant eyes widening as if he'd surprised himself. "I'm sorry."

"'I'm sorry' what?"

"I'm sorry, sir."

Mr. Masen released his son, eyeing him with a warning look, and slapped a hand on the shoulder. "We're going to talk about this later. Now get back to class while I sort things out with the school."

"Okay."

"And watch that attitude."

Mr. Masen trudged off into the office, while Edward stood in the same position, having not moved an inch.

And – "Yes, sir," he whispered at the ground.

* * *

><p>Someone gave me a lighthearted shove on the shoulder, but being so out of it, I lost my footing and tumbled straight to the ground.<p>

"Holy shit." Emmett, slightly panicked, helped me up. "So sorry. I didn't mean for you to fall!"

"I know," I muttered, distractedly dusting off my jeans. "I'm okay."

Emmett McCarty eyed me warily as I plugged my key into the car door and let myself in.

I slammed the door shut without acknowledging him again.

And this was normal of me with him – and Mike – nowadays.

They knew; they both knew that I'd been avoiding them these past few weeks.

I didn't think they realized that I'd overheard their conversation that Friday.

Emmett knocked on my window.

Sighing, I rolled it down. "Yeah?"

"Bella, why are you pissed off at me?"

"I'm not."

"Uh. Yeah, you are."

I simply muttered a bye. Even as I started the engine, though, Emmett didn't move.

"Okay, what's up, Em?" I avoided his eyes. "Just spit it out already."

"It's…" He was quiet for a while. "It's actually about Edward."

An image of Mr. Masen flashed through my mind.

I tried to appear unfazed. "What about him?"

The way Emmett kept looking at me was starting to unnerve me.

"Are you really over him?" he asked softly. "That quickly?"

"Yes." My hands tightened around the wheel. "Are you done? Can I go now?"

"He needs you."

I ignored him.

"Bella. Edward needs you."

My knuckles turned white. "You're wrong."

"The lights, the water, and the heat –"

"I know what's going on, okay?"

"You do?" His eyebrows shot up. "Well, good. I don't have to explain much. So Edward's been in and out of my house – Mike's too – because he doesn't have food –"

"Emmett, he's no longer my business –"

"He walks to school. He can't afford the gas anymore, and he's working part-time now in –"

"Well, too bad –"

"He has to come to early to school so he can shower in the locker rooms –"

"Emmett –"

"He's sick, but he can't even afford to go to the fucking doctor. Alice has been coming in and out of his house –"

"Alice?" I tossed back in shock before I could censor it. "What's she doing with him?"

He seemed smug. "She and Edward were pretty tight before the whole Rosalie thing, and I guess they're back to that."

I didn't know what to say.

Somehow, I was very, very uncomfortable with that development.

And Alice did seem very pleased with our breakup… I wondered why…

"Whatever." I cast my eyes away. "I don't care anymore."

"Bella." Emmett groaned loudly, obviously aggravated. "Quit it!"

"Emmett!" I screamed back, and Emmett jumped. I startled myself too. "_You_ stop, okay? I'm tired of feeling bad for someone – for – for _him. _It's enough that I feel bad for myself right now."

"You and I both know that you don't mean that."

I was stubborn, trying to hold onto my glare. "Well, what do you want me to do for him anyway? It's not like I can pay for his bills or make his life easier –"

"No, just… just be there for him." His face changed. Something – something changed. "He needs you now more than ever."

I couldn't stop the scoff that escaped me. "Been there done that. Trust me; I tried, and it never worked. He doesn't need me."

"His dad was here today."

My response was stalled. "I know."

"Edward might leave Forks. For good."

"I know that too."

"Okay," he said slowly, obviously surprised that I knew. "Well, he doesn't want to go, but I don't think he has a choice anymore. He's going to move to Chicago in a few months. Hell, he's permanently heading to Seattle in a few _weeks_."

Weeks? "I couldn't care less."

"You don't mean that," he said again.

What could I say to that?

"Just think about it." Emmett reached over and grasped my hand in his. It was such a warm, nice touch, and I didn't know how to react. "You're Bella. You care. I know you care."

Staring at our connected hands for a second, I then tried to find something in his eyes but found nothing but friendliness.

Although – the way his thumb traced circles on my hand suggested so much more.

"Aren't you tired of letting him win?"

Emmett raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Aren't you tired of letting Edward win all the time? Why won't you fight for what you want?" I held my gaze firmly. "I thought… I thought you liked me."

"Well." A slow smile on his face, he patted me on the head. "First of all, I'm actually fighting pretty damn hard right now, so you kind of bruised my ego by saying that." He laughed, but I didn't; he still went on with a grin. "Second of all, you haven't come running to me, so there's that. And third of all, I haven't given up yet. And I always knew Edward was going to win anyway." Emmett shrugged, shyly dropping his gaze to his shoes. "But I'm still going to try. You're not getting rid of me that fast."

"Emmett…"

He began to walk backward. "You know what I think, though, Bella?"

I tried to smile and leaned closer over the window. "What do you think, Emmett?"

"Sometimes, a man just gotta fight even when he knows he's going to lose."

And then he turned away, hiding his face from me, and rushed off to practice.

* * *

><p>When I pulled into Edward's driveway for the first time in a while, I was a nervous mess.<p>

I was going over a list of things in my mind, over and over.

Every one revolved around one idea: _Don't have expectations on him again._

I dropped my forehead on the wheel, and took in a big breath in a failed attempt to calm myself; my insides felt fluttery.

And as I took my time climbing up the porch steps, I wasn't sure if I should knock, ring the bell, or just step in.

It turned out to be that I didn't have to do any one of them, though, because Edward opened the door before I even got the chance to reach it.

And before I even got the chance to say something, he enveloped me into an embrace that took my breath away.

I felt a blush climbing up my cheeks as I cautiously wrapped my arms around him too.

Maybe Emmett was right.

_But no expectations, _I forcefully reminded myself.

Still.

I held him a little tighter and lifted my chin so my face fit better on his collarbone, and I felt his lips curl up into a smile against the skin of my neck.

The perpetual haziness in my head cleared a bit.

And so it was enough.

It was enough for now.

* * *

><p>It was weird. The insides of his house were as cold as it was outside.<p>

"Don't worry your pretty face," Edward said as he pinched my cheek and placed a blanket around me.

The effect he had on me was – still – as overwhelming as ever, and I tried to ignore how my heart kept speeding up with every nice word he said to me.

My eyes followed him as he dug through a basket of assortments of junk food and found a granola bar. Unwrapping it, he bit on it and began to chew slowly.

The house was a complete mess.

Laundry all over the place.

Pizza boxes hanging off the tables and the kitchen counters.

Blankets on the sofa, floor, and chairs.

Edward was wearing many layers – I could see – and he sniffled and searched for his water bottle.

I watched with acute interest as he took a sip and stared back.

"What?" he said first.

"Come here for a second," I whispered.

Staring warily, he came closer.

With a shuddering sigh, I placed the palm of my hand on his forehead and then on mine. "Emmett wasn't kidding."

"About what?"

I answered him by unwinding the blanket around me and putting it on his shoulders instead. "Have you been taking medication?"

He was quiet for a second. "Sort of."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He smiled. "Tylenol?"

"Tylenol," I repeated, in mild disbelief.

He shrugged, sniffling again, and plopped down on the seat across from me.

Two weeks had created an awkward rift between us, and I wasn't even going to deny it.

It was there.

"The offer still stands."

He looked up, smiling a little again. "What offer?"

"I'll go see him for you."

Silence.

Edward knew. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

"I know it's hard for you, and I can be the messenger, I guess."

"Bella –"

"It's not a problem," I cut in, widening my eyes. "Just tell me what you want me to say to him."

He eyed me. "Still as insane as ever, aren't you, Bella Swan?"

I smirked a little. "Well, if I wasn't, who would be in your life?"

"So true."

My face smoothed. "I was kidding."

Edward just shrugged.

I tried to keep my disapproving glower in place, but it wasn't working.

Sighing, I looked out the window. "I don't understand, though. I thought you missed him. I thought you wanted to live with him."

In the dragging silence, I almost thought he didn't hear me.

"Sure, I miss him," was his belated answer, and he threw the granola bar wrapper into the waste basket. "No, I don't want to move in with him."

My attention suddenly shifted to his phone at his side; it was on mute, but the screen was flashing with the caller ID: _Dad._

"You can't avoid this," I told him quietly. "He matters, and you know it."

Edward frowned. "My dad has nothing to do with anything."

"If that was true, you wouldn't be doing what you are doing right now."

He looked over to me sharply. "What do you mean?"

"If you really didn't care, you wouldn't avoid him like you are right now." I sat up straighter. "Talk to him. Just do it and get it over with."

"You talk as if you want me gone."

His tone was chilling.

"Edward, give him your reason. Tell him exactly why you want to stay."

I smiled at him, in an attempt to lighten the mood, and he, at last, reluctantly returned it.

"I had a strict childhood." He gazed up at the ceiling, a drawn out sigh escaping him. His breath fanned out white. "I enjoy feeling independent, and I know him too well."

He buried his face in his arms and just went slack.

My unsteady hand reached for his neck, and he raised his head at the exact moment and leaned into my touch.

"Come on," I murmured, rubbing his cheek, "sit up. Don't cower like that. It's not you."

His eyes closed. "You always knew me better than I know myself."

I didn't miss how he said, "knew" not "know."

We both noticed when his phone screen turned on again.

I was the one ignoring it this time, wrapping the blanket more closely around him. But as my fingers brushed on his slightly exposed chest, he looked up, his eyes all vacant and lackluster green. Intense.

"Bella."

"Hmm?"

"Can I use you one last time?"

His words hit me deep, but I nodded.

"Will you go see him for me?"

Because I couldn't resist, I answered his question with one gentle, chaste kiss on his lips – just one.

He was smiling. "You can't blame me if you get sick too, okay?"

I smiled a little as well. And because I was a masochist, I leaned in for a second kiss – _Just one more, _I told myself. _Just one more, and I'll stop._

His eyes closed as he pressed back, and the third kiss happened because he pulled me in to him deep, his hand snarling into my hair and mouth opening.

"Edward, no," I whispered as I pushed him on the chest.

His eyes were left shut. "You kissed me first."

"You kissed me second, and you shouldn't have." Ignoring the look on his face, I leaned forward on my knees. "So where's your dad? What time are you meeting him?"

As he rattled the information off and what he wanted me to say, our eyes met again, and so did our mouths.

He'd never kissed me like this – as if I was breakable, delicate, fragile.

And I let his mouth on me for a while, because I was enjoying his touch too. It was like letting go of all the inhibitions and relenting to my addiction.

But there had to be a stop, right?

"Okay, that's enough," I said breathlessly, trying to slant away.

"No, just – just a little bit more." He sounded dazed, twisting my chin back to him with a finger and devouring me. His eyes were hooded, and he moaned softly as he ran his tongue on my bottom lip. One peck and then another… "I swear, just a little more. One more…"

With as much self-control I could muster, I drove him off.

"I'll head out now." I looked away. "I'll let you know what happens."

His glassy gaze strayed to the floor as I ran out the door.

* * *

><p>I felt as though I'd gone into cardiac arrest as Edward Masen's flat, grey eyes latched onto me for one second before moving away.<p>

As I walked over to his direction, though, he turned back for a second look.

His lips were pressed into a tight line; there were small wrinkles around his eyes as he arched one eyebrow.

I stopped in front of him.

"And you are?" he said coldly.

"Bella Swan, sir." I licked my lip and eyed the seat across from him. "I'm here on behalf of Edward? Edward Cullen?"

The silence between us in the overall loud café was disquieting.

"You know my son?" he spoke crisply.

I nodded swiftly. "Yes, and he couldn't make it. So, um, I'm kind of the messenger."

The man's eyes flashed – Amused? Derisive? "Well, then. Since you're here. Take a seat."

I obeyed, and I squirmed as I watched Edward Masen loosen his tie and shrug out of his business jacket.

"May I?" he asked as he did so, a curt smile on his lips, and I nodded awkwardly.

"So," he began, waving a waitress over, "Edward's not showing up at all?"

Oh, God. I couldn't believe I was doing this.

"No, sorry."

He hummed, absently flipping through the menu. "That's a shame, although I assumed. He's always been a coward… Anything for you, Miss Swan?"

"Oh," I said, taken aback, "no thank you."

"But I insist." His eyes zeroed on an item on the menu before gazing upward. "Coffee? Iced tea?"

Flustered, I quickly searched for a suitable choice. "Um, I'll take the coffee. Thank you."

"My pleasure." He glanced at the waitress, nodding. "Two coffee's."

I was in a daze now; this man was so quick-paced and charismatic in his way with interacting with people – at least in his way with interacting with Edward and me.

"I just wanted to see him before we settled some things." With a deep sigh, he sat back, crossed his legs, and wrung an arm around the back of the seat beside him. "But I'm guessing I'm making things worse."

He slid an envelope across the table and locked his hands on his lap. He nodded at it.

Clueless, I opened the seal and –

"He's a stubborn little boy. I don't think I've completely worn him down yet, but I can't do this dancing around anymore. You'll pass him the money, won't you? I think I can trust you with that." He shook his head, definitely amused now. "How did he do without the money?"

I closed my gaping mouth. "He was doing all right."

He hummed again as our order came up. He took a little sip, and I nervously followed his example.

"It's five grand," he explained, eyes locked with mine. "Does he need more?"

"I… I'm not sure."

"Should be enough for now," he muttered before smiling at me. But it was clinical and made my skin crawl. "So. Share some news with me. He barely tells me anything now. Are you Edward's girlfriend?"

This man's ability to render me speechless was arresting, although not in a good way.

Edward Masen was a lawyer for a good reason.

"Not really," I answered quietly.

He laughed with his nose. "Not really? Then what are you exactly?"

I hated his probing eyes and the subtle sneering tone.

"We're friends." I tried to hold the eye contact. "Mr. Masen, I'm here to let you know that Edward doesn't want to leave Forks. I'm sure he's already told you his reasons, and as you already said, he's a stubborn guy. He was going to hold out without the money even if it meant that he had to starve the days."

He stirred his coffee, a small smirk on his lips.

I cleared my throat. "Mr. Masen?"

"Oh, pardon me." He spoke in a slight daze. "It was a mistake making Edward go off on his own in the first place. I don't want to make the mistake again, but I'm set on going back to Illinois. I refuse to leave him behind."

"Sir, if you don't mine me asking… why can't you stay in Seattle?"

His eyes flashed, and the ice-cold gleam softened. "I got remarried a few of weeks ago."

_Remarried._

My heart felt heavy.

"Elizabeth – my wife – is originally from Chicago as I am," he went on casually, "and I'd like to raise my latest child in my hometown."

I felt a lump in my throat. "A child?"

"Yes. Liz is pregnant."

"Oh." I shakily picked up my beverage before gobbling the lukewarm liquid down. "I – I see."

"Liz is due in a few months; it's a boy."

"Right," I whispered.

"Well, anyway –" he waved a hand "– Edward's still family."

_Family._

I looked up.

Edward Masen's lips twisted up into a smile – awkward, but still a smile nevertheless – as his eyes regarded me. "He's my son, after all."

_Son._

"You really want him back _for_ him, right?" I said it before I could stop myself. Involuntarily, I leaned closer. "Do you really love him?"

"Of course," he scoffed, as if stating the obvious. "And I plan to have him under my roof again. Even when he goes off to college, I plan to…"

He continued to speak, but his words drifted away from me.

I still remembered that Christmas night when Edward slid his portrait closer to his father's. How Edward spoke so highly of him all the time. How much he loved his father, although not explicitly. How much it hurt him that his father never seemed to really care. How much pressure it was to make his father proud. How much it affected him.

All Edward wanted was to be loved back like he knew he deserved.

Now I thought deeply, it seemed as though all Edward had done – interestingly – was to offer love, only to have nothing back in response.

Like some charity.

I knew exactly how destructive that kind of one-sided love was.

I also knew how sacrificial it made a person –

How sacrificial of a person it made me.

* * *

><p>Edward was waiting on the porch steps, head in his gathered arms on his bouncing legs.<p>

As I drove in, his leg stilled and his head popped up.

A brilliant grin appeared on his face when I cut the engine and stepped out, but it was wiped off as soon as he noticed another car tailing behind me.

"Edward," Mr. Masen called with a slight raise of the eyebrow.

"Dad?" Edward choked out, panicking as he shot me a glare.

I nervously gave Mr. Masen a look, and he nodded as he climbed back into the driver's seat.

"Edward." I approached him slowly. "Hear me out first."

"What's he doing here?" He was frozen, eyes wide. "Why did you bring him with you? I thought –" Understanding dawned on his face, and his eyes turned glossy. "I can't believe you."

Closing my eyes in defeat, I called out his name, but he'd already turned away and slammed the front door.

I was beyond terrified, but I still followed in and up the stairs and continued to helplessly call after him.

I quickly padded down the hallway toward his room, but the door was wrenched open before I even reached for the doorknob.

And there Edward stood, motionless.

"Listen to me," I pleaded softly as I took a step forward. "I can explain."

He neither met me halfway nor took a step back, and that scared me more.

"He's worried." My voice was so small. "And he just got remarried, but he wants to have another try with you. He's willing. See?" I pulled out the money envelope and forced his hands around it, but they fell limply. "He's sorry he left you like that."

He was unresponsive.

His eyes never – not for the shortest second – moved away from mine.

They had never penetrated me for so long, so deep.

I almost felt nauseated.

But I was adamant; I tried to sound cheerful.

"He told me he's asked you so many times already – for months –" _Come on, Edward. Say something._ "You never told me that. He said he's going to continue wait for you. Don't you feel bad about making him wait that way?"

Silence.

Then – "Feel bad for what? Feel bad for _who_?"

"Your –"

"_Him_?" Edward's pale eyes slowly lowered to our interwoven hands. "Bella, you're not talking about _him_, right?"

I didn't know what to say.

"What about my mom?" He looked slightly frenzied all of a sudden. "Who's left to feel bad for her then?"

My breath hitched. "Is this because he's remarried?"

"No."

"No?" My voice rose. "Then what _is_ it, Edward? What the hell is it?"

"I don't need him." Unrelenting. "But I need _you_. You're what I need –"

"That's _not_ true! We –"

"You don't want me?"

I went still in momentary shock; his words had cut through so unexpectedly.

"I wasn't –" But there was nothing I could say. "Let's go back out and talk to your dad –"

"Answer me."

"Stop being so stubborn. Give him a chance –"

"_Answer_ me!"

I went still and – "No."

"… No?"

"No," I confirmed with a steady voice, keeping my head up high and tears at bay. "And I think you should go. Go to Chicago."

I couldn't even look at him anymore.

"He loves you," I whispered to the ground.

Then rough fingers were pulling my face back up.

"And I thought you were on my side this entire time," he said.

And it was not his harsh touch but the _smile_ on his face that kept me staring.

I'd never felt so hysterical in my life.

When I reached for him, he shocked me by slapping my hand off – so violently that the way he'd done so before was nothing compared to this.

I nestled my hand to my chest. My hand _stung_.

His blank stare. "Don't touch me."

And it was _my _anger bursting, not his.

"I'm doing this because I _am _on your side." I grasped his arms down and cornered him into a wall; he tried to avoid my eyes, but I persistently tried to lock eye contact. He wasn't the only one on the verge of breakdown. "Don't fight me – look at me, Edward – I said _look_ at me! I'm doing this for your sake, okay? He's your father. The father you love – the father you care about!"

Nothing in his eyes.

Nothing.

"I don't need you to be honest with me anymore, Edward; be honest with yourself. You want to go back to the way it was, right? I _know_ you do. You told me your dad can barely look at your face anymore. He can now, right? And you were sad all along because of that; you thought he abandoned you –"

"I was _not _abandoned!"

My stomach stirred.

"_I _abandoned _him_!" Edward rasped, eyes wild and the void in them replaced by… _tears_ – "_I'm _the one who begged him to let me be because he means _nothing_. _I'm _the one who threw _him_ out!"

Everything went quiet for a moment before exploding again.

"Do you hear yourself, Edward Cullen? Is your father some kind of garbage to you?" I was yelling now, and I could feel the heat rising on my face. "You have to get this straight! Your dad's starting a new life with another woman, but he's come back! He's come back, Edward! He _wants_ you!" My hands around his arms tightened until they were shaking. "But _my _mom… she will never come back for me like that. She abandoned me because she wanted to live her –" I stopped for a second, looking down and willing my tears to stop "– her stupid boyfriend, okay? I don't think she'll ever miss me. No matter how much I want her, she won't want me. She _doesn't._ But _he _does! Why can't you see that?"

At this point, Edward was the one holding me as I melted into his arms.

I shut my eyes. Angry. Embarrassed. "Sorry. Forget that I said that –"

He stunned me by placing a hand on my mouth and shutting me up.

I looked at him in wonder.

"I'll give it a try," he said at last. "I'll see him."

Oh.

"I'll go to Chicago."

And now I had the strangest feeling…

"But because _you_ want me to. Because I trust you. Because you know me better than I know myself."

So strange, like floating and falling at the same time…

He studied my eyes, and I knew he was looking for something.

What I didn't know was if he found it.

"And I thought you were the mature one," were his last words, and somehow, I was then drowning in the most passionate, saddest kiss he'd ever given me.

Every part of me was reeling.

How so strange. Now all I wanted him to say he would never, ever see his father – never, ever leave me.

Instead of pushing him away, I pulled our bodies and mouths together.

Strange. So strange.

But how could I deny the kiss when it could be our last?

* * *

><p>I rested the side of my body against the doorway as Edward ran out, his sleeve brushing mine, and greeted his father.<p>

Mr. Masen patted him on the head before pulling back and saying something. He was half-smiling.

Edward smiled back – all bright and happy and boy – as he mumbled something back.

And it was so different from the stiff, cold exchange I'd seen during school, and I was happy for that.

I really was.

Then I thought I heard something about Seattle and Chicago from Mr. Masen and something like a yes from the boy I loved, and I had that strange feeling again.

_Next year. Forks. No Edward._

Only I didn't know our goodbye would be this soon.

Just weeks left.

_Weeks._

Then gone.

_Gone._

I suddenly couldn't breathe and hid behind the door.

_This is what's right, _I tried to tell myself again. _This is what Edward needs._

And that fact alone was enough.

Everything was back to being hazy again, but it was enough for now.

…

It had to be.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> I've been working on building up the tender romance so far, but from here and on, it's going to go down in a pretty disgusting way so here's fair warning: The characters are going to do some dumb shit.

That is all (:

Sarah


	30. Chapter 29

**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE**

* * *

><p>Just up until a couple of days ago, Edward had this perpetual hardened look on his face whenever he would check his phone for missed calls and text messages.<p>

Of course, then, I hadn't really noticed; I refused to even give him a glance during the last week or so. But now, the change was obvious.

There was the lively glint in his eyes, and his smile made _me_ smile because it was so contagious, so sincere.

"What is it?" I asked him softly as he smiled at something that flashed on his screen.

"Dad," he murmured, thumbs flying over the pads.

When he was done, he warmed me with a grin.

I could only respond with a wan nod and a barely-there smile, however.

The strange feeling was always there.

* * *

><p>Everyone in school noticed Edward's cheerful attitude.<p>

The spiteful rumors about us having been cleared up, people were stirring up new rumors; they conjectured that I was dating Royce, and Edward getting together with someone else.

If I hadn't known better, I would have thought that way about Edward as well. With his history of dating older girls and with the way he nowadays obsessed over the mysterious texts, I realized that it could very easily seem that way.

Besides, this time, I was the one with the real secret: I hadn't told Edward that his dad and I exchanged numbers.

"Just in case something happens," Edward Masen had told me with a smirk.

What did that even mean?

"Want a candy gram?"

I startled. "Sorry. I missed that. What?"

"I asked you if you'd like a candy gram." Mike gave me a strange, amused look. "You know, for Valentine's. I'll send you one."

I blankly looked over to the table in front of me.

If I stared at it long enough, my eyes would hurt; it was covered with all kinds of pink and red Valentine cards and sample candy grams of different prices.

I absently toyed around with one of the more expensive packages before dropping it with a sigh. "I wasn't asking for anything when I said I'll help out."

"Uh huh," he drawled, "because it's all volunteer spirit, right?"

My face fell. "Don't, Mike."

But he was right; eating lunch in the gym just didn't work for me anymore. I hated that Edward wasn't there anymore, although I was sure I'd also hate it if he _were _there.

"Fine." Mike crossed his arms and sighed loudly. "By the way, you should send me one of these candy grams."

I smiled a little. "_Oh_, so that was your ulterior motive, wasn't it?"

We laughed quietly to ourselves as I took out my phone.

_Busy on Valentine's? Wanna hang out? If you're free. –Royce_

Oh.

Huh.

What should I say?

_Can I take your silence as a yes? –Royce_

I snorted.

_Oh, yeah, that's definitely a yes. –Royce_

I rolled my eyes.

_Or a no? What, but I thought we had a connection! :'( -Royce_

Finally: _Yeah, yeah. Whatever. -Bella_

"Thanks for doing this, Bella."

It was Emmett. I grinned. "No problem. I wouldn't object, though, if you can get me a Varsity letter as an unofficial female member to the Boy's Varsity Basketball team."

Mike snickered again. "Okay, where did the volunteer spirit go?"

"I'm kidding." I looked back at Emmett. "But seriously, how unfitting is it that the Boy's Basketball is fundraising through Valentine's candy grams?"

"Hey, it was Coach's idea! Nothing to do with me."

"All right. If you say so." I let out an involuntary giggle and nodded. "Sorry, excuse me. Can't help it."

Then I giggled again – more awkwardly, though – as Emmett gave me a long, odd look.

"Something on my face?" I muttered lowly to Mike.

"Nope," he whispered back, smiling, "but he obviously sees something he _likes_ on your face."

My cheeks were hot, and then Emmett cleared his throat and returned to spinning the pen in his hand.

I frowned, confused, when Mike leaned closer to my ear. "How oblivious are you? Lover boy's obviously sending a candy gram for you."

I turned slowly. My voice was hushed. "Why?"

"Uh, you did not just ask me that."

"Right. Stupid question." I glimpsed at him, blushing more. "But what I mean –"

Someone cleared his voice, and we saw that Emmett had an eyebrow raised at us.

"That's not fair." Pouting, he pulled up his chair and scooted closer. "I want in with the secret!"

Mike and I were exchanging unsure looks when the door next to me opened and Edward came in.

With Alice.

I immediately began to write random things on the roster, coloring in the vowels to the names of people who ordered the candy grams.

I couldn't stand him and her together.

I hated it.

And although much of the school seemed as shocked as I was – the girls gossiping and the boys regarding Edward a little oddly – the reaction was fleeting.

Like Emmett said, the two had been pretty close before her sister and Edward began to date.

But I wasn't in Forks back then. This development between the two of them was too new to me, and I simply didn't like it.

I also hated the derogatory deadpan on Alice's face every time she saw me. Maybe I was imagining it, but…

"Would you like a candy gram, kind sir?" Emmett excitedly pounded on the table, making it rattle. "Two dollars for the smallest package; the best deal of your life!"

"I'll pass," I heard Edward say.

"Oh, come _on._ Send it to your special –"

Mike cut in cleverly, "Captain's broke, McCarty."

"Oh." Emmett chuckled nervously. "Shit."

Yeah, it was.

Mike gave me side glance and comfortingly patted my clenched fist.

I continued to stare at the roster, lost in thoughts.

"Nah, she's just killing lunchtime with us. With her volunteer spirit. Right, Swan?"

I glanced up at Mike again, who had brought up my name, and nodded meekly back.

Then Edward was talking to me, and of course he sounded perfectly in-control and nonchalant.

And I responded like I normally would as well. I thought I sounded natural enough, but the way Mike scowled at me suggested otherwise.

This was the norm these days, between us two – the false "no hard feelings" agreement.

It would have been a lot better if I were looking at Edward as I was speaking.

But I didn't want to look. I didn't want to be disappointed, especially when I was adamant in thinking that Carlisle's advice wasn't valid anymore.

Every day, I reminded myself of his flaws and his imminent departure for Chicago. Every day, I promised myself that I'd move on, and I was doing surprisingly okay with that – although it was tough make-believing myself into things I was quite unwilling to believe in; although I felt pathetic about forcing myself; although in the end, I hadn't really moved on much.

My attempts, so far, had only left me with deeper scars.

While I'd been spending the last few days futilely distancing myself from him, I was selfish enough to get angry at the fact that he was letting me do that.

Maybe he knew it was necessary. Whatever it was, maybe he knew and chose me to leave me intact for once.

Then again, I was always bruised and scarred.

Too late for protection.

I hoped our unspoken, mutual plans didn't backfire on us… or just me.

"Yeah," I said without realizing what question Emmett had asked me, and with the odd looks I got – "Wait, what?"

Everyone except Edward and me laughed.

Yeah, _Alice Hale _was laughing.

Forcing out a feeble laugh myself, I sought for a distraction and returned to fidgeting with my phone.

A message arrived.

Mike, being all playfully sneaky, peered over my shoulder, only to give me a look. "RJ, Bella? Seriously?"

I shot Mike a glare, but too late –

"_No, really. I can guarantee you some MORE fun if you're game,_" Mike read aloud for all to hear and ended with a loud, drawn-out sigh.

The air turned awkward, and Emmett suddenly excused himself to the restroom.

He looked nauseated.

I sighed, feeling incredibly guilty, when Edward called my name.

Instinctively, I looked, and sure enough, I was disappointed.

Of course. I was always like that, wasn't I?

"So you're really seeing him?"

"Someone's jealous," Mike muttered in my ear.

And Mike was right.

_Please don't, Edward, _yet I pleaded in my head. _Don't make me want to go back to you._

I answered honestly: "It's not like that."

Edward had no shame. "Then what is it like?"

"Why do you care?" I tried to keep my face smooth as I purposefully looked over at Alice for a second. He understood my silent message almost instantly. "And you're the one who gave him my number."

My eyes unwillingly flitted over to Alice once more, and she was just staring at me, her gray gaze cold and forbidding.

Feeling obligated to turn things back to normal, I opened my mouth and was about to ask Edward about his father when I stopped myself.

No one but I knew about this.

So I opted for: "So how's the cold? Feeling any better?"

His eyes narrowed.

Damn it. I mustered a cool smile. "Edward, I'm actually busy right now. I'll see you in English, okay?"

The dismissal in my voice was clear. And Edward didn't make an argument.

Right. Letting me distance.

My God – but distancing was so difficult, making my heart cripple, because it was as if everything that was between us didn't – shouldn't – matter anymore.

Edward was the first to turn away, hands loosely fitting in his pockets, and Alice hopped up and linked her arm around his.

He let her.

As they went down the opposite hallway, she began to talk excitedly and he listened inattentively.

My gaze stayed on their arms for a long time.

I spun to Mike and glared at him fully. "What was that? Now Edward's totally convinced that Royce and I are dating!"

"I know."

"What?" I stared, appalled. "Now how am I supposed to convince him that we're not?"

"What are you talking about?" He was chuckling a little now. "Does it even matter anymore? You two broke up, right? Like you said, you're none of his business and vice versa."

My face fell, and I was completely dumbfounded by his odd demeanor. This was not the amiable guy who'd made the welcome gesture when I came to this school; he was my first friend here in town.

"Mike," I began hesitantly, "are you upset with me?"

It was quiet for a second. "You're not his babysitter, Bella."

"What?"

"You don't have to babysit him."

"I'm not." I blinked rapidly. "I don't get what you're talking about."

"Yeah, tell yourself that. These past few days, you were all…" He paused. "I don't know what to tell you – are you stupid or masochistic?"

"Mike."

"Okay, ignore I said that, but why are you trying to be a mother figure to him? I don't know – obviously, the girlfriend thing didn't work out, but that doesn't mean you have to be something else. I can see it, and it's so goddamn unnatural – you two. I suggest you stop the childish, in-denial role-playing with him, or you're going to get hurt… even more than you are now. Just do a redo, Bella. It's painful to watch." His voice was nearly a whisper. "It makes me sick."

I stared blankly at the collar of his shirt in fear of what I might see on my friend's face – maybe an "I told you so."

"I warned you before, Bella. I _warned _you."

When I was finally able to meet his eyes, he had a cold, hardened look, and that made me realize…

"You brought up Royce's name on purpose, didn't you?" I whispered.

Footsteps echoed in the hallway, and Emmett was jogging back to us, asking aloud where Edward had gone.

"Bella chased him off," Mike replied casually before glancing wayward at me.

This time, his eyes held a new warning.

* * *

><p>During my first class on Valentine's Day, I got two candy grams: one from Emmett, the other from Mike.<p>

Emmett's card said: _Happy Valentine's Day!_

I was surprised; it was a pretty normal thing for someone like Emmett would say.

And Mike's said: _FOREVER ALONE. Homecoming jinxed me. Singles ftw._

Smiling, I covered my eyes and shook my head to myself.

Mike had apologized to me for being so cold that time, and I accepted the apology right away. Only, I knew deep down that all he'd told me was right and that there was no need to apologize for being truthful.

I never said that, though. It was an unspoken understanding, and the apologizing and accepting the apology was just a gesture of another understanding.

After all, true, so being Edward Cullen's friend didn't work out.

Being his girlfriend didn't work out.

Being his "babysitter" would probably never work out either.

But what exactly was I supposed to be, then?

When I knew he would leave in just weeks now?

When I knew that all I wanted was to be with him?

Could I ever be – mean – anything to him?

* * *

><p>A teacher held me back after school, and it was fifteen minutes after the last bell that I came running down the deserted hallway, keen to get home.<p>

My stomach somersaulted when I caught a glimpse of someone – Edward Cullen – leaning on the lockers, his fingers flying over his phone.

I didn't know what, but in the short moment I slipped by him – me ignoring him and him ignoring me – I felt something heavy settle inside me.

It was so different from what I was used to, and I was used to that obnoxious, self-assured kid with a cute smile, one who knew how to sweep me off my feet.

But then again, why should he acknowledge me now?

He didn't have to anymore – there was nothing that bound us together anymore – except maybe just a small hello during class or here and there at school when we would coincidentally make eye contact.

Now, I was one of those close but not too close friends everyone had. You would say hello and often make friendly small talk, but sometimes, you would just ignore them outside of school – maybe even in school – when the timing just wasn't right.

Yeah, I was exactly that to him, and he was exactly that to me.

I shoved open the door, and maybe I was stalling a bit – just in case he used the last chance to call my name.

He never did.

I tried to ignore the sting as I cut my way through the campus.

"_Can I use you one last time?"_

One last time.

I was just a nobody to him now, wasn't I?

* * *

><p>It was that evening when Royce brought me a rose.<p>

"Royce?" I exclaimed in shock. "You're… _here_?"

"Yep, I'm here." He pushed the flower closer to me. "Every girl's favorite, right?"

I didn't know what to say, but I was feeling many things: stunned because of his random appearance, embarrassed because I was wearing homey clothes and he wasn't, and slightly anxious because Charlie was home early tonight.

Royce raised an eyebrow. "What, you don't like it?"

"Hey, I didn't say that." I took the flower in; I couldn't resist rolling it in my hand and taking a quick whiff. It was fresh. "I do like it."

"Thank God." He leaned away on the waist and scanned me amusedly. "That's what you're wearing?"

I sharply angled the door so he could only see my face.

He let out a big breath. "I thought we were going out."

"We were?"

"Well, I don't know anymore." He scratched his head. "I thought you gave me the okay?"

"It wasn't 'no' either…" I trailed off. "But I didn't think you were being serious."

"I was _very_ serious."

I smiled a bit. "Yeah, I see that."

Seattle was two or so hours away from Forks; I couldn't believe Royce actually took the time to drive down here. After all, his holiday break was over.

No one in my life had done something like that for me.

"Hey, Royce? Do you mind waiting for a little while?" I smiled softly, jabbing a thumb over my shoulder. "I'll be a few minutes, and then you can have me."

"I can?"

I wanted to slap that lascivious smile off his face – of course he would wander off to dirty thoughts – but I knew he was kidding – _I think._

Shy, I cowered more toward the door. "It won't be long."

He beamed, shrugging as he stuffed his hands in his back pockets. "Works for me. Take as much time as you need."

* * *

><p>Charlie was not entertained with the fact that I had a date.<p>

Thankfully, he didn't spookily spy on Royce through the window curtains, but – "Anyone I know?"

"Probably not; he's not from town," I yelled over my shoulder as I hastily put an extra layer of mascara over my lashes and threw random things in my purse.

As I rushed down the stairs and grabbed a coat, Charlie eyed me. "That's what you're wearing?"

"Hmm?" I looked at my body: just a skirt and some casual, feminine dress shirt. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Not answering me, he eyed the pretty rose in my hand this time, and I deposited it by the bookshelf so I could take care of it later.

"Dad," I said, exasperated, "it's just a date. And he's not an ex-con or anything like that, I swear."

"Or Edward Cullen." He raised an eyebrow. "Right, Isabella Marie?"

I gave up on listening when he began to rant about my grades, and I simply replied by saying that I still had the same GPA – no drop.

I didn't know what to think of his disapproving huff.

Did he _want _my grades to drop, just for the sake of grounding me again?

Shaking my head, I walked out the door and couldn't jump into Royce's car fast enough.

He revved the engine and turned down the radio. "What happened? Overprotective parent being nosy again?"

I bit my lip. "Do _you _think I'm wearing something inappropriate?"

Royce scanned me from head to toe now and smirked. "Maybe it's the skirt?"

"Yeah, because it's so short and everything, right?" I began with the seatbelt, putting more energy than necessary as I tugged it. "I think he's just looking for excuses to ground me again."

"Nah, I'm sure he's not – hey, I got it," he said as he reached over and buckled me up himself.

"So." I meant my voice to be casual, but his arm had brushed against my chest – either he knew it had and was acting as if he didn't, or he was truly oblivious. I stuck with the former. "What's up with the rose? I mean, I like it, but I'm just wondering."

"Mm." He leaned his shoulder on his side of the car. "I'm trying to be somewhat romantic."

"Wait." I snorted. "Did I hear that right?"

"Uh, what's with the judging?" he teased.

"Sorry, but you're far from romantic."

I stared out the windshield, inwardly noting that we were probably heading out-of-town.

"Bella, one question."

"Yes?"

"Is today a date?"

I thought about that. "Maybe."

"Maybe?"

I gave him a half-serious annoyed look. "No, it's not a date."

He shrugged. "All right, that's cool. I can work with that."

He was staring at me then, and so we came to an abrupt stop at a stoplight as he stomped on the brake the last second.

His hand shot out and grazed my stomach to keep me from toppling over. "Fuck, sorry. I wasn't paying attention. You okay?"

"I'm good." I glanced down at his fingers on my ribs. "Yeah, I see how you're trying to pull off romantic."

He laughed loudly, his hand going back to the wheel. "Yep. Trying."

* * *

><p>"<em>Noooo,<em>" I said, long and slow, as Royce gently but insistently towed me toward the bar in front of me. I shook my head furiously. "Hey, hey! I'm not legal for this stuff!"

"Neither am I." He pushed harder. "Trust me. They don't check IDs here."

"Uh, well, the last time I got drunk, things didn't really end well –"

"You're mocking the best night of my life."

"Right. That's the worst overstatement I've ever heard."

"No, really. You were all –"

"Okay, okay." I blushed. "I have a feeling you're not going to let that go any time soon."

"Nope, never."

I tensed as we approached the entrance, but we easily slipped through.

Royce held my hand as he continued to lead me in. "See? No one gives a shit."

I squirmed. "Maybe it _is _the skirt?"

"Maybe." He smiled smugly and then changed direction as a girl and a boy from the other side of the room called his name. "There they are."

"Oh. Double date?"

"Oh? I thought this wasn't a date."

I gaped at him as he pulled out a stool for me.

* * *

><p>I recognized the boy – Harry – from Tyler Crowley's party, and the girl next to him…<p>

"What's her name again?" I whispered in Royce's ear.

He glimpsed at me, eyes flickering to my chest before returning to my face, and held the vodka at his lips. "Don't know."

"What?" I bumped my arm to his shoulder. "But she's your best friend's girlfriend!"

"Not for long. She'll only be a month, tops," he explained, nodding at the bartender for another round. "I lost count on his girls a long time ago, and I'm not planning to go back to counting again."

Royce silently offered me his shot, but I shook my head. He smirked and smoothly downed it himself.

I was a little taken aback because he wasn't forcing me like last time.

"I _think _her name's Hannah," he whispered in my ear finally, lips brushing on my temple. "If her name still concerns you?"

"Wow. You really don't care," I said flatly.

"Fuck no."

That made me think.

"Aren't you like that too, Royce? Was her name Julie?"

"Who?" he said, preoccupied.

"The girl at the diner that time. Julie."

"Julie…" His eyebrows shot up. "Oh, Julie!"

"Yeah." I looked at him uneasily. "Her."

"Eh." He shrugged. "She's a nobody."

A nobody.

To her, though, _he _probably wasn't a nobody._  
><em>

I stared at his profile, curious, and in my head, I decided that handsome boys – like Edward – should not be trusted.

I had to be careful with this one too.

Harry's guffaw brought me back to what was happening in front of me, and I watched in amusement as his "girlfriend" slumped over the marble bar and blinked drowsily.

"He's going to have a hell of a hangover if he keeps drinking like that," Royce muttered, roughly patting his friend on the shoulder. "Harry, slow down – hey! Focus! You said you were driving home."

"Huh?" Harry's eyes darted between the two of us. He yawned. "Uh, yeah, present."

Rolling his eyes, Royce flashed me a smirk, and I responded with a small, guarded smile.

"You know, Bella…"

It was Harry. "Yes?"

He eyed me now, his gaze dark and probing, and I felt the urge to recoil. After all, this guy was the one who insisted that I strip at the party…

"I'm a Criminal Justice major…"

That was unexpected.

His narrowed eyes moved to Royce, and the two boys were exchanging crude smirks.

"Are you sure this is legal, Roy?" Harry said, low snickers getting louder.

"You tell me, although I'm sure it is…" Grunting deep in the throat, Royce wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his chest. I was a bit stunned to react as he casually lowered his hand on my hip. "That is, unless Bella here lied about her age. What's the age of consent in Washington anyway?"

"Sixteen." Harry's dirty gaze made me uncomfortable. "But if she's under eighteen and you're sixty months older than that, then you're screwed big time because she can bring a case against you – accuse you of rape. Careful, Roy, she might be jailbait."

Oh.

Was this a normal conversation for college boys?

As Royce's hand went up and down on my arm, I felt my stomach tighten; my face was on fire.

Not uncomfortable, but really nervous.

Especially because their eyes were on me now.

"How old are you?" Harry asked me.

"Um." I curved my back and nervously scratched the side of my neck. "Seventeen…"

Royce made a face. "See, there's no problem. Is there?"

Was he talking to me? My mouth fell open.

"Bella?" he said, his smirk implying _many_, many things.

I was suddenly in that shy moment when I knew what I wanted to say but couldn't because I wasn't comfortable with my surroundings.

"Nice. That's a no, you lucky bastard. Fucking great." Harry gave me an openmouthed smirk and tiredly gestured at his girlfriend, who was passed out now. "I get none, but you have your girl fired up already."

Royce spun my stool so I was facing him, and he gathered my hands on my lap. He scrutinized me with playfully narrowed eyes, and leaning forward, pinched both of my blushing cheeks.

"I see that," he murmured, as if enjoying that fact.

I blushed harder.

"Bella. It's okay to want me."

My eyebrows went up.

He grasped my waist and pulled my body slightly closer to him before murmuring in my ear, "'Cause I really, really want you too."

* * *

><p>Royce parked beside the edge of the forest by my house and turned off the engine.<p>

I didn't know why I was hesitating about leaving.

Maybe because I was impressed with the fact that Royce had been pretty considerate all night.

For one, when Harry lit up a cigarette, Royce had casually grabbed the middle and squelched the fire and said, "No smoking when Bella's around."

It was especially nice of him because I knew for a fact that he was a casual smoker too.

He even pulled me to his side when a drunken man walked by a bit too closely.

All night, he treated me as if I was the only girl in the room. The rapt attention he gave felt overwhelming but good – something I wasn't used to but was already enjoying.

"Waiting for something?" Royce stared out the windshield, elbow resting on the door. A smirk shaped his lips. "Miss Bella Swan?"

"Oh. Um. No." I cleared my throat and pulled out something from my purse. "But here."

"What's this?"

"Just some chocolate. It's Valentine's Day, after all." Oh, no. The way Royce was looking at me. "Don't read too much into it. It's not like that."

"Hey, I didn't say anything." And so he took it, looking genuinely pleased. "Cool. Thanks. Wait, oh, I'm an idiot; I didn't prepare anything for you. I'm sorry."

"The rose," I corrected. "You gave me that."

He smiled sweetly, watching me.

I smiled back. "What?"

"Nothing. Just… I think I finally understand why Edward really likes you." He lowered his eyes and shook his head. "You _still_ like him?"

My hands rolled into fists on my lap, and all I could do was nod a little.

"Well, that's nothing new," he breathed. "The real question is… what do you think about me?"

My head popped up.

"Do you like me too? I mean, you _can _like two people at once, you know."

I pressed my lips together. "I don't know."

"You don't _know_? Aw, that's too bad." His tone was mocking but really playful. He shifted in his seat so he could lean closer to me. "You could have just said yes."

I looked away.

"Ouch."

"I don't know, Royce…"

"Well, then, was I successful at being… semi-romantic today?"

I fought a grin. "If taking a girl out to a bar is anywhere close to romantic, then I guess it is."

"If it's not?"

A short laugh escaped my mouth. "No."

"Now that's just great." He snickered, shaking his head again. "I guess I should have gone for the candlelit dinner or some shit. But then again…"

I was more than a little stunned as Royce climbed out of the seat, circled the front of his sedan, and opened my door for me.

"What about now?"

I gaped for a second. "That's being chivalrous, not romantic."

Royce leaned over me with a grin. "You're one hard girl to please."

I leaned away. "Nuh uh."

"No, really." He was totally serious now. "I don't remember trying so hard to impress a girl."

It was silent for a second as I awkwardly stood up and ducked under him. He gently pushed the door close behind me, and we were just looking at each other.

"Well, then, I guess I'll go now." I nodded, slowly backing away. "Drive safe, okay?"

"Wait." He collected my wrist in his hand. "One more thing."

My eyes darted down to our hands and then to his slightly frowning face.

"Close your eyes."

I blinked. "No."

"What? Come on," he complained, lazily rolling his eyes, "I promised to get you home safely, and I did exactly that – and you _still_ don't trust me?"

Wary, I closed my eyes only to open them again. "Okay, why are you making me?"

He rolled his eyes again, easily shifting my body so I was stumbling closer to him. "Fine, fine. I have a gift for you. Will you close your eyes now?"

And as soon as I did so, I felt a soft, sweet kiss on my mouth.

I was too shocked to move as Royce's lips molded to mine, so different from Edward's –

I drew back, dazed, whispering, "That wasn't a gift."

"Yeah, it was. My version of a chocolate. You don't like it?"

Stupid, stupid me. I couldn't believe I fell for it. Of course he would have tried to kiss me, and I couldn't even blame him for it. Technically, I'd led him on.

"Royce –"

Then I realized that he wasn't moving; he was simply staring at me, face still just inches away from mine, thumb running up and down my jaw.

As I stared back at him, he slowly lost his smirk, and it was replaced by a solemn, thoughtful expression.

"Bella," he whispered, leaning downwards at the same time I brought my lips to his.

Then we were so lost in the feeling of our mouths together, tongues touching and kiss deepening.

I broke off for air as soon as his hand stared to climb up the back my thigh.

He was watching me now, eyes reflecting his confidence. "Did I step out of line?"

Yeah, his hand stayed where it was.

Fists clenched at my sides, I took in a short breath and – "More," I whispered.

He seemed surprised, but only for a moment as he gently pecked his lips to mine.

"One more," I said again.

Another peck.

This time when he leaned away, I tiptoed and kissed him myself.

One little kiss.

Then I stepped down.

I tiptoed again – another little kiss.

The third time I did it, I saw the blatant satisfaction on Royce's face, and he didn't make me tiptoe anymore because he was bending his neck and kissing me himself.

"So goddamn adorable," he whispered, pressing our bodies so tightly together that our breaths came out shaky.

I got a thrill when he moaned into my mouth, and the energy between us shifted.

"Please, more," I told him, still in a daze and quietly gasping every time his lips moved in a certain way. "Royce, I want more."

His lips moved more desperately, and he was twisting our bodies so my back touched his car.

And his hands were back on my thighs, now climbing all the way up that my skirt was slightly bunched up.

"What about now? What do you want, baby?" he asked me breathlessly in between small kisses, hoisting my leg over his hip and very intentionally pressing his hips into me. "I can give you so much more. Just give me the permission."

I felt him reaching for the door to the backseat, and that was when what was happening finally came crashing down on me.

I couldn't look at him as I stumbled aside. I was horribly humiliated at how low I probably appeared now. "I'm so sorry. I think I'm the one who stepped out of line. I think – I gotta go."

"What? Wait, Bella. You didn't."

With that, he pulled me into a kiss again, all bold and dominant, each of his hands locking my wrists to his chest.

And I liked it, because this felt normal – a normal date with a cute guy and a normal lustful good-bye kiss – and the normalcy of it all made me happy. This was my life before Edward Cullen.

When we finally really separated ourselves, his lips were brutal red from all the aggressive kissing.

I bet mine were too.

I blushed and twirled my hands together.

And in that moment, I really hoped that I wasn't just one of his pawns of his revenge plan because that would be a devastating blow to my morale.

"I should really go now," I whispered again.

He didn't say anything, but just before I turned away, he stopped me and tugged the hem of my skirt that was inappropriately askew.

"Oh." I blinked. "Thanks."

"No problem." He winked at me. "After all, we don't want to prove your dad right, do we?"

* * *

><p>My hands were slightly shaky.<p>

The moment I reached my bed, I fell onto it and smothered my breaths myself with my pillow.

Buzz.

_Penny for your thoughts? –Royce_

I hesitated. _Too confused for thoughts. –Bella_

_Damn. And here I was hoping you were wishing I could kiss you again. –Royce_

Shit. Shit. Shit.

* * *

><p><em>Sleeping? –Royce<em>

_No. Studying. -Bella_

_For what class? -Royce_

_Spanish. -Bella_

_Espanol? Estudiaba espanol tambien. -Royce_

_Nice. Well, stop bothering me. I have a test tomorrow. -Bella_

_When do you have it? -Royce_

_Last period. -Bella_

_Aw, come on! You can cram during lunch. -Royce_

_Sorry, Royce. -Bella_

_:( -Royce_

_Go to sleep. -Bella_

_Haha. Was just about to anyway. I just got back to Port A. Home sweet home. –Royce_

_Good that you made it in one piece. Don't drink and drive again. It's dangerous. –Bella_

_You're actually worrying about me?! I like this. –Royce_

_GO TO SLEEP. –Bella_

* * *

><p>In the darkness of my room, I toyed my cell phone in my hand, wondering…<p>

Buzz.

The screen glowed brightly as I opened it.

_Can't stop thinking about you. –Royce_

I screwed my eyes shut.

_What the hell am I doing?_

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Before you ask: No, this isn't going to be the typical love triangle; it's not even a love triangle, btw :)

But in the meantime. . . Royce vs. Edward. . . Who do you prefer - the unpredictable, boyish, winsome seventeen-year-old, or overconfident, expressive, sexy twenty-year-old?

Sarah


	31. Chapter 30

**CHAPTER THIRTY**

* * *

><p>Monday morning, Mr. Masen dropped his son off to school.<p>

More than half the school witnessed the scene with slacked jaws as Edward slammed the door shut and slipped down the parking lot, and as Mr. Masen, with an aging smirk, waved him goodbye.

And so the secret was no longer a secret. Word spread quickly.

Usually, when it was about Edward, I knew what rumors were true and what were false; this time, I didn't.

"He spent the weekend in Seattle," I heard someone talk in the hallway.

"I think he's leaving in a month," another boy said.

"I heard it was next week? What? Now I'm confused."

I was too.

During lunch – "He's _moving_ to Seattle!"

"No, that's just temporary. Chicago – Edward's moving to Chicago."

"Well, shit – either way. School's going to suck without him."

"I know!" Lauren complained. "And I was _so _looking forward to the spring sports season…"

Yeah, all the girls were weepy – because they wouldn't be able to see Edward all shirtless and sweaty on the soccer field.

Apparently, he and Emmett were the only two boys in the entire school that were involved in sports teams all three seasons, until Edward decided to drop basketball last year. Some girls corrected Lauren, though, saying that Edward was planning to drop soccer this year also anyway, because it was his senior year.

But more importantly, I hadn't known that he was part of the soccer team. Then again, there were many things I never knew about him.

I used to think that I was a step closer to his secrets than anyone else, but that mindset was precisely why everything ended the way it was now; I was so attentive to his sheltered secrets that I missed everything else that everyone else knew.

Foolish, foolish me.

* * *

><p>In less than a day, as the girls got over the disappointment of losing the most popular guy in school, they grouped themselves with Edward's friends – Tyler, Emmett, and Mike – and began to plan a surprise farewell party. Although there were still some weeks left – confirmed by Edward himself – they were going to borrow the school gym and everything – go all out.<p>

In fact, they even tried to get me in with the plan, but I politely refused.

They probably thought it was the alleged bad breakup that was holding me back. But now I thought of it, they weren't much off from the truth.

Still, Edward seemed happy – so happy that it was more and more noticeable every day.

He deserved to be happy.

"What do you think you're doing?"

More than the words, the tone of the voice was what truly irked me, as I dully stared into the eyes of Alice Hale.

"Are you talking to me?" I asked dully.

Her eyes narrowed into slits.

That was obviously a yes.

This girl was much more talkative nowadays. She was a different person, but rumor had it thought that she'd always been that talkative girl until her sister began to date Edward.

Maybe I shouldn't have stood up for her when the girls were gossiping about her misdeeds and snobbishness.

Well, it didn't matter.

Bitterer than I should be, I slid right past; I didn't even get her question, and she'd sounded so rude.

She was much smaller than I was, and so it took longer strides on her part to match my quick pace.

"I'm asking you a question!" she said loudly, blocking my way and stretching her arms out. "Who do you think you are? Why would you make Edward go to Chicago?"

Her question caught me off guard, but only for a second.

"And what business is it of yours?" I snapped back, very annoyed. "Why are you even talking to me?"

Hanging out with Edward did not make her superior to me. I knew that, but she sure acted like it.

Occasionally during the past few days, I'd wondered whether she felt triumphant about that – whether she thought she won in the competition against me.

But I was never competing – at least not with her.

"You're forcing him to move." Her voice was hushed but urgent. "Do you realize what you're doing? Why are you making him do something he doesn't want to?"

I let out a quiet scoff. "Look, Alice… I don't really know you, and I don't feel obligated to tell you anything about what happened between Edward and me – just like I don't ask him or you about what's going on now. See, hands off. You should do the same."

She blocked me as I sidestepped, and I glared at her.

"What's your problem?" I talked louder than I intended.

This was all too much. This – this whole random Alice thing was –

"Edward told me you _begged_ him to consider moving."

I sighed deeply. "So what?"

Her grey eyes clouded over. "You're the stupidest person I've ever known."

"Who do you think _you _are?" I bit back, frowning and furious. "What the hell is _your_ problem?"

"You're just jealous that he's mine now."

_Yours?_ I thought, aghast.

A lot of things came back to me.

The way she looked my way at the library when I met her for the first time – the way she eyed me all vigilant and dark when I mentioned Edward's name.

The way she ignored me at the food court when Edward, Emmett, and I were there.

The things the girls gossiped about at the diner.

The warning at the ice rink.

When she'd said, "Be careful," then, the last person I thought I had to protect myself was from this girl who I thought was sweet and quiet.

She was neither – now I saw that.

"And all Edward is gush about you – how you're so smart, so patient, so selfless, so _observant_," she continued, her voice surprisingly not whiny but settled on a low, menacing pitch. "Observant? _You_? You're stupider than he is!"

"You don't know anything." I matched her glare with my own and stepped closer. "And I don't appreciate you calling me –"

"You've got your claws in him so deep, he won't even listen to me."

My heart skipped a beat.

"I've been telling him to just _not_. That his dad is not worth it, that _you're _wrong and leading him the wrong way –"

My anger flashed. "Why the hell would you do that? Mr. Masen –"

"I'm trying to make him see properly," she went on, unperturbed, "because after all, how can he so easily forgive someone who just turned up out of the blue and decided to take his unwanted son back!"

"Unwanted son?" I was offended for Edward. "I _seriously_ hope you're omitting those two words when you're talking to him."

"See, that's your problem. I'm just so realistic, while you try to make everything look perfect, when that everything is very far from it. You warp the truth –"

"You don't know what I know, Alice."

"Oh, I do. And even if didn't, I don't have to." Her tone chilled. "Did you look into that man's eyes, Bella? When you were speaking with that so-called father – did you see him properly? Did you?"

I drew blank. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Alice's face closed, all blank and hostile.

Before she walked off, she hissed over her shoulder: "Of course you don't."

* * *

><p>"<em>Did you look into that man's eyes, Bella?"<em>

What did Alice mean?

When the teacher wasn't looking, I rested the side of my face on the desk, and stared, slanted, at my textbook and the pictures in them.

The weather outside was quite dreary. Snow was infrequent now, instead replaced by a lot of drizzling the past week.

That meant Edward's departure was nearing, and it was just too soon.

"¿Ha completado sus notas, Bella?"

I sat up immediately to see my worried Spanish teacher, and nodded. She said something about my still having to sit up for the rest of class, and I muttered back an apology.

She smiled, telling me quietly that she understood my tiredness.

"Es viernes," she explained with a shrug.

At her raise of the eyebrow, I chuckled and agreed.

Then the class was silent again, everyone working studiously on their class work, and so all of us looked up when a loud voice sounded from the hallway.

"What class do you have this period, mister? You still have half an hour till school's out," the voice said.

Oh, one of the hall monitors.

The entire class hushed each other, eager to hear more.

"Oh, I'm not skipping," another voice said, and all my drowsiness went away.

"That won't fly, young man. Give me your name. I'm taking you to the Principal."

"Uh." The familiar voice sounded very amused. "I don't go to this school."

"I haven't heard that one before!"

"Ma'am, I really don't go to this school," he said again slowly.

The hall monitor sighed loudly. "You come with me."

"Do I look like a high school student to you, lady?" He paused. "Hey, I'm sorry. But I'm really not a student here. I was just… looking for someone."

"Looking for someone? Who?"

He paused again. "My girlfriend."

"Right. Her name?"

"Uh…"

"Exactly." Footsteps echoed outside. "You're coming with me."

Then my classroom door clicked open, and Royce slipped in with a little cringe, gently pushing the door behind him.

My Spanish teacher gaped at the blond boy and said in a thick Spanish accent, "And who are you?"

Royce turned in surprise. "God, I'm sorry. I swear. I'm really not a student here."

Then he glanced around and grinned mischievously when he spotted me.

"Hey," he said happily.

Everyone turned to me, and I suppressed the urge to hide under my desk.

My teacher studied Royce and me at the same time, a slight panicked look on her face, and that was when the door banged open and in came the hall monitor.

"You are in serious trouble for this, young man! You follow me this instant!" she said angrily, grabbing Royce by the ear and pulling him out of the room as she profusely apologized to my teacher.

Royce rolled his eyes and was forced out the door, but not before winking at me.

* * *

><p>He was waiting for me outside, leaning against his car with a smug smile on his face.<p>

Of course he looked smug – what boy wouldn't when a handful of high school girls was giving him admiring look-over from just a few feet away.

I shook my head, amazed, and headed for my truck.

"Bella!"

The panic was brief as I turned and waved awkwardly.

Some people's eyes were on me as I made my way in his direction.

"First Edward and now him?" someone said.

"He's the same guy from the party," another whispered.

"What did I say?" I heard a girl say. "She's totally dating him."

"Girlfriend," was the first thing I said when I knew Royce could hear me. "Really?"

"Had to get out of trouble somehow, right?" He shrugged and pulled his door open, raising his eyebrows.

I stuffed my hands in my jacket. "No thank you."

He shut it. "Why not?"

I wistfully averted my gaze downward and rocked on the balls of my feet.

He let out a big breath. "Shit. I can_not_ believe I'm saying this but…"

That caught my attention.

"Why haven't you been replying to my texts the past week?" he said in a mocking girl tone. "I thought we had, like, something going on."

I barely suppressed the giggle, and he smirked. "Gosh, is that seriously why you traveled all the way here?"

"Of course not," he snorted. "Grandma needed me to pick up something for mom, and I just thought I could drop by."

Royce pointed at his car again, and I unwillingly climbed in.

Just as we both situated ourselves in the sedan, I saw Edward, Mike, and Emmett walk out the main building.

"Hey, Royce." I sighed. "I'm not your toy."

He glanced at me sharply.

"I don't want in with this… scheme you have planned," I explained slowly, hoping he understood. "I already have a lot of mess to deal with, and this complication with you involved…"

"What, hold up. Now I'm offended. I don't get it."

"Hmm… how to explain…" I smiled a little. "Well, Edward hates you; you hate him. You and he both liked the same girl. He took the girl from you while she was dating you. You took her back… made her cheat on him – it's all very fishy, especially because you suddenly have this interest in his _new_ ex-girlfriend, which is me – it's like some cheap spinoff of what's –"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down." He raised an eyebrow. "I thought I told you that I… genuinely appreciate your company."

"I'm going to be blunt." I blinked. "I don't trust you."

In between snorts, he told me, "All right, all right."

"I'm not kidding!"

"I know, I know." He snuck a glimpse a little tiredly. "I have a proposition, then."

I scowled. "A proposition?"

"Mhm." He started his car and looked away. "How about we make our hangout exactly that – a hangout – and not a date?"

I opened my mouth, but he went on.

"No more kissing," he added with a challenge in his eyes.

Then I was smiling to myself, maybe a little derisively, because suddenly I was reminded with the way I broke up with Edward and told him I wanted him to be my friend.

That never worked out.

"I'm sorry," I said honestly, unable to look up. "I don't think that's going to work."

I heard tapping of his finger on the wheel.

Then it stopped.

"Damn," he whispered, a confused look crossing his face. "You really know how to play a guy."

I blinked. "Uh, no. You're the first one to tell me that."

He shook his head. "And you do know that you're only pulling me in more?"

"What?"

His finger forced my chin up, and he spoke very slowly, "You do know that your blocking me out only confirms that you're developing feelings for me… right?"

Gently, I pushed his hand away and stared at my lap. I could feel his eyes on me.

"There's nothing wrong with liking two people at once." He paused. "Or liking one and feeling attracted to another. It happens every day, even with people who are in the most stable relationships. And I'm sure that you and Edward never had that stableness in the first place."

His eyes settled on my face, and stayed for a long, long time.

Then he smiled, as if he was satisfied with his observations. "And I swear – I don't see any mixed signals from you this time."

* * *

><p>"This girl… I forgot her name already, but she asked for my number while I was waiting for you." He shuddered. "What took you so damn long?"<p>

I had a hard time containing the laugh. "I can't believe I missed that."

Groaning, he shuddered again. "As if I'd bother with girls her age."

Huh.

That made me think.

"So," I said anyway, "what did you do?"

"I told her I had a girlfriend."

"Girlfriend."

"Girlfriend," he confirmed, charming smirk in place. "Guess who, Bella Swan?"

I managed to look amused. "Eh, I think I already have a good idea. Don't bother."

"Yes, ma'am."

On the outside, I was smiling, but on the inside, I felt almost dreadful.

I wondered just how long it would take till the entire school knew – or thought they knew – and wondered again if this had been Royce's plan after all: make _him_ jealous.

"You don't mind?"

"Hmm?" I looked over my shoulder and faced Royce. "Oh, no, not really. I'm not new to being the subject of rumors, you know?"

"Oh." He nodded. "Good."

But I couldn't help it; I wondered just how long it would take till _he _would find out… although I didn't think Edward Cullen even knew what jealousy meant.

* * *

><p>"You're so cheap," I accused good-naturedly as Royce casually stalked down the aisle. "A furniture store. Really?"<p>

"Really." He groaned and sighed simultaneously as he eased onto one of the orange sofas. Sprawling on them, he jerked his chin. "Come on."

"This is… stupid." But I obeyed and carefully sat myself down, looking around for suspicious eyes of the employees. "What if we get caught?"

"They'll kick us out." He took out some M&Ms from his backpack and popped the package open. "Do you want some?"

Even looking at a piece of chocolate made me slightly uncomfortable.

And Royce was doing this on purpose.

I took it without a fight, and when he asked me for some, I threw the chocolate pieces in the air and he caught them with his mouth every time.

I tried to stifle my giggles, watching my surroundings again, and was grateful that we were somewhat hidden behind the dining table furniture.

"You do this a lot?" I chewed on the chocolate and swallowed. "You know, lounging on free furniture in some random town?"

"Nope, but from time to time." He shrugged. "Hey, you gotta admit it's clever."

"Sure is."

An old couple zipped by us, giving us odd looks.

Embarrassed, I shoved Royce on the shoulder.

All playfully groaning, he reached over to pull me by the shoulder and made our bodies lie low.

"What are you doing?" I was whispering, and I didn't even know it. I chucked one M&M in his mouth when he opened it. "Are we caught?"

"Could have gotten caught," he corrected me, righting me again and beaming.

"Wow, you're really enjoying the suspense."

"Of course!" he joked and returned to the lying position, waggling his eyebrows when he took in my expression of disbelief. "Calm down. When else would you get this kind of experience?"

Zoning out, I folded the empty chocolate package and decided to stuff it in the front pocket of my backpack.

"What are you thinking?" Royce's eyes were roaming around the store – _keeping watch, _I guessed. "What's wrong?"

Perhaps he noticed the closed look on my face. "I'm not convinced."

His eyes snapped to me. "About…?"

"About your so-called genuine attraction for me."

"Well, then." He looked so sly at the moment. "This should convince you."

He was about to bring our lips together when I hurriedly leaned back.

My arm outstretched, I put my palm on his chest. "Stop. You made up the rules."

"Screw rules. Mm, I can do things to you that you'll never forget…" And he was leaning forward again, but I stubbornly tucked my chin in. He sighed loudly and moved off. "Christ. Such a tease."

_Edward said the same thing._

"Say what?"

My eyes widened. Did I say that aloud? "Nothing."

"Uh, I swear I heard the name of he-who-must-not-be-named." He rolled his eyes, muttering something about my overly stiff posture, and forced me to slump beside him. I smiled sheepishly back. "Don't play dumb."

"I'm not sure how to say anything right now."

"I know that feeling." Royce was quiet for a second. "But what can you do? Sucks, doesn't it? That anyone you let in has the power to pretty much fuck you over?"

"Thank you for that original piece of wisdom."

Royce seemed serious though.

"If he loves you, he wouldn't let you slip away," he said.

I sat up.

"No matter how hard the situation is," he finished, unperturbed. "But he did let you slip away because he's in love with someone else."

"I get it, okay?" I said more harshly and impatiently than I should. "I know that already."

He caught my hand, and although I struggled, the attempt was futile.

"Was I wrong, Bella? Was I wrong when I told you all he wanted was to get you in bed?"

I stilled, and it felt as though someone stabbed my heart.

"Tell me," he insisted, eyes clear and unfazed. "I haven't got the slightest clue what went down, but I'm pretty sure I'm not that far off."

I stared at his dangling foot. "You're not. You were right."

I expected the gloating to follow immediately, but it never came.

"Edward doesn't know when to grow out of anything." Royce began to draw circles on my wrist with his thumb. "He doesn't know how to live smart, which is funny given his circumstances. You'd expect him to be all clever and knowledgeable when it comes down to life, right? But nope, not even close. That boy's too selfish, because even if he does care for you, he loves himself more than he loves you."

"But he's just trying to protect himself." I paused. "He's scared of getting hurt."

"Are you seriously defending him?" Royce's eyes widened. "Well, you're actually right. But the fact that he's afraid of getting hurt proves, again, that he loves himself too much." He paused and… laughed. "Now I think of it, though, he's gotten smarter. When he was with Rose – damn, he was the stupidest guy on the face of this planet."

I didn't like what I heard. "Someone said something like that to me too."

"And holy shit, Rose was such a bitch."

I shot up. "Then why did you go out with her in the first place?"

He shrugged, looking down. "She was hot."

My stomach stirred. "Well, then, why did you have to take her back? When you probably knew she was still with Edward?"

He seemed surprised at my fired-up reaction. "She was the one who threw herself at me, and I'm not the guy to refuse."

"That's disgusting."

"Sorry, that's who I am."

"So who are you to say you aren't exactly the same as Edward? What makes you think I'll trust _you_?" I shook my head, now knowing at whom I was angry – Edward, Rosalie, Royce, or just me. "Boys."

"Don't ever tell me I'm like him." He gave me a cold look, but that melted away into a grin. "Because I'm not. I'm much better-looking."

I groaned.

He was obviously being funny, but I could tell he was still enjoying this quite a lot.

"Plus I'm not as secretive as he is," he mused, "not to mention, more honest about myself with people around me."

"I beg to differ."

"Oh, really? Fine, then let me prove it to you by actually telling you something _really_ interesting – something Edward would never tell you." Sighing exaggeratedly, he grasped my hips and turned me over so we faced each other. "Let's see… What to dish… Hmm…"

I rolled my eyes. I doubted –

"Do you know how Rose died?"

My eyes slowly went up.

Was he serious?

"Jackpot. I knew you'd be dying to hear it – and that no one ever bothered to tell you." A big grin formed on his face. "She was in a car accident."

"I know that," I stuttered in a whisper.

"Right. Did you also know that it happened right after Edward publicly humiliated her in front of the whole school?"

For a second, everything around me stopped.

And then my head was spinning.

"What?" My voice was coarse. "How – ? Why – ? How do you know this?"

"I was in town at the time. Obviously."

"Tell me more," I said because I couldn't resist. Involuntarily, I scooted closer. "What happened?"

"Eh…" he trailed off weirdly. "I guess I'm exaggerating when I say that he publicly humiliated her. But he neither denied nor confirmed the whole 'sleeping with another guy' thing –" he rolled his eyes, "– and made things worse. You know how he is – all cryptic and weird. Well, of course, everyone turned on Rose because girls always take the blame in cheating – because they're the sluts in society, right?"

I knew that too well.

"Edward didn't say a word and just turned away, even when everyone was picking on her. Man, it was brutal. And cold." His mouth went up into a smirk. "Damn, but I can't blame him. Rosalie totally ruined him."

His tone made me think that Royce might have really cared for Rosalie – that she ruined him also.

I didn't speak my thought.

_Too much, _I thought numbly. _Too much at once._

"So he's feeling guilty?" I murmured.

"I don't know." He was silent. "Maybe."

"I see."

"But you know what I think, Bella?"

I simply looked at him closer.

"He likes you more than he liked her."

My heartbeat spiked.

"Do you know why I made you kiss me on New Year's Eve?"

I blankly shook my head.

"Don't be offended." He warned me again with his eyes. "I just wanted to see how Edward would react to you – how he would react to the school."

"I… I don't understand…"

"He stood up for you, right?"

The miserable day came rushing back, and I whispered, "He did."

It was quiet for a while until Royce suddenly jerked up to a stand. Looming over us was a middle-aged female employee, and Royce dragged me toward the exit door before she tried to hustle us out herself.

Royce was howling with laughter, asking me something, but I was too out of it to respond – let alone hear what he was talking about.

I was deep in thought even as he started the car.

"He still loves himself more than he loves you," he told me, and suddenly, I could hear everything he said in perfect clarity. "Don't ever forget that."

* * *

><p>"Royce, what's your last name?"<p>

His eyes were directed upward, his tongue on his lip, as he tried to unscrew the table light bulb – just a bit – in our restaurant booth.

The light dimmed, and he seemed satisfied.

"Say what?" he said, crossing his arms and leaning closer over the table.

I'd noticed that Royce and Edward resembled each other since the moment I watched them confront each other face-to-face at the diner.

I'd picked up on little clues, not that they were hard to catch; both boys had the talent – proclivity – to hide their emotional scars.

Royce was just as wounded as Edward was, all because of a girl named Rosalie. After all, why would he try so hard to get even with Edward?

"What's your last name?" I asked again softly, tilting my head to the side.

"King." He smirked. "We really have been doing things backward, haven't we?"

I hummed. "What does RJ stand for?"

"Royce Jonathan." He shrugged. "It kind of stuck since junior high."

We unwrapped the napkin from our silverware.

"Royce."

"Huh?"

"I'm going to be honest." I scrutinized the way the light made a glare on the fork. "I'm done with letting some use me. So I guess what I mean is… I won't let you use me either." _Like Edward did. _"Okay?"

His lips were curved upward. "If you want to, _you_ can use _me_."

The waitress chose that time to intercede and drop off our order.

Royce, eyes on me the entire time, answered her no when she asked whether we needed anything more.

When she left, he nodded again. "Do it. I don't care."

"Use you?" I repeated, still shocked. "_Use_ you?"

"Yeah." He pushed my food closer to me, slicing open the baked potato and cutting the meat for me. I barely noticed this, though. "You want to get back together with Edward, right? Simple. Make him jealous by dating a _very_ good-looking guy… me."

His arrogance would have annoyed me if this were any other time.

"I won't do that," I let my voice sound strong, "because not only is it wrong on so many levels, you also get your own satisfaction out of it – which is probably the only reason why you're offering. Sorry, Royce, you're looking at a wrong girl to do that."

He sliced open his own potato, although he was raptly watching me.

"Your loss. Although…" He cocked his head to the side, amused. "You're one hell of a girl, and I think I'm falling for you."

Nonchalant, I popped in a piece of chicken. "But I thought you didn't bother with girls my age."

"Girls your age. Not you, because you're…" He looked far off at the wall behind my chair. "I can't explain it."

I looked down, feeling somewhere in between embarrassed and flustered.

"Don't lie, Bella; you thought about it too," he went on with a mischievous smile, "about whether or not you and I will end up together instead."

* * *

><p>Royce was wrong; it was he who was giving mixed signals, not me.<p>

As I told him now about Edward's decision to leave for Chicago… "And how do you feel about that?" he asked, face unreadable.

"I'm surprisingly okay. I really am." It felt as though I was reassuring myself, however. "I'll miss him, though." My eyes slowly glazed over. "Chicago's so far away…"

Royce then commented about how "fucking short the days were in February" and that it was already night.

"Are you driving back to the campus tonight?" I asked softly.

"Probably not. It's a long drive."

"Just out of curiosity – do your parents know just how often you drive all over the state?"

"No." He quirked an eyebrow. "And that's the beauty of college."

I laughed.

The as our eyes met, we smiled at each other.

Out of the blue – "Remember the strip poker night?"

I responded with a blush as we began to talk about something else – the other day when he interrupted Edward kissing me in the parking lot.

"I really did want to show him that you chose me over him."

He was so shameless.

Just like Edward.

I was about to tell that to him but stopped myself again; he probably wouldn't take it well.

I knew. When someone despised another person, it was because the latter reflected the flaws of the former.

I wondered if, deep down, Royce knew this.

"What are you smirking at?"

I faltered a little as he lightly shoved my shoulder, and beamed. "It's a secret."

Then I briefly wondered again what was so extraordinary about Rosalie Hale that she'd managed to harmfully claw her way in the lives of two boys.

When we finished our meals, he dropped me off back at school and hugged me through the opened window of the driver's seat in my car, muttering a "see you soon" in my ear.

I noticed that he was still standing in the middle of the dimly lit parking lot even as I turned the corner and could no longer see him.

* * *

><p>Faster than wildfire.<p>

Gossip in high school traveled faster than wildfire.

To be honest, though, I was incredibly relieved because no one called me a slut, a cheater, or anything remotely offensive as people had done mere weeks ago. Instead, I sensed a lot of jealousy from the girls because my "hot boyfriend from UW" had barged into the school to find me.

I sensed a lot of sulking from Emmett for reasons more than obvious.

I sensed a lot of indifference from Mike; he was just like that nowadays.

With Edward… he seemed completely okay, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

My throat tightened just at the thought of him.

* * *

><p>It was Tuesday, and the final bell had just rung.<p>

I heard Edward before I saw him, and I spun around from side to side in search of him.

The smile on his face was simply heartbreaking.

And I was unable to meet his eyes, turning my head downward. "Hi."

"Hi," he breathed, running a hand through his hair. "I just wanted to ask if I missed anything in Wilkins's class."

"Oh, right. You were gone." I frantically searched my backpack pouch and handed over my agenda and some essay prompts. "Here."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Grinning, he leaned over the hood of my truck and squished the prompts into his bag and transferred the assignment items onto his scraggly piece of paper. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"You'd do fine," I muttered, crossing my arms and staring at my muddled boots.

The familiarity of the situation washed over me, as I, in a daze, realized that it was already last year's last week of September when we were in the exact same position.

He and I'd gone through so much over the last few months.

Time flew.

"Where were you?" I stopped a second. "If you don't mind me asking."

"No, I don't mind. Dad was visiting again."

I arched an eyebrow, getting curious because he sounded off. "Are you all right?"

"Oh, yeah." His lips stretched to a big grin. "Just a bit nervous."

"Yeah?" I licked my lips. "About what?"

"Dad's bringing Liz over next week."

Liz – oh!

"Cool." I cleared my throat. "To see you?"

He nodded, looking hesitant. "We're all going to have dinner together. She… wants to get to know me better." He snorted a little, and I had to hide a smile. "And dad wants to really catch up with me."

I could feel his gaze lingering on me, and I tried to match that, willing my eyes to bravely stay on his face. "That's great."

He nodded absentmindedly, and then a pensive expression crossed his face as he glanced my way. "We should do that too sometime."

"Do what?"

"Catch up."

I blinked.

"We can do that." He returned to writing. "Right?"

"Sure…" I trailed off, uncertain.

He snapped the book shut and passed it back, and my heart started to beat just a little faster as our hands brushed against each other.

And I thought my heart was going to burst when he suddenly clasped my wrist.

That ghost of a smile on his face deeply reminded me of the fact that he would be completely gone and away in a matter of time.

I wasn't ready.

I lost my breath when he slowly bent forward on his waist, cocking his head to the side and penetrating his eyes to mine.

"Look at me," he said.

I did. Or, I tried.

"You were never afraid to look me in the eye," he went on, and although I couldn't explain it, his stare was so… _white_ today. "What changed, Bella?"

"I'm fine," I lied, and I could no longer hold my tongue. "So exactly when are you leaving?"

He continued to watch me. "In three weeks." His stare was pinning me down. "I have everything packed and sent over to Chicago."

"Already?" The word escaped me without my knowledge.

He nodded.

As discreetly and as naturally as possible, I rubbed a hand over my chest because the pain there was wildly overwhelming.

"Wow, so fast," I murmured again, smiling, because nothing else would sound convincing.

I thought about his house and found that I couldn't picture it empty.

Edward was still smiling, although noticeably wistfully.

Wistful?

I hadn't seen the pretty green in his eyes this close for so long. "I'm going to miss you, Edward."

"I miss you already."

My skin pebbled.

"Please tell me you already miss me too."

All I could do was nod a little.

He nodded back, eyes softening. "Okay. That's enough for me, then."

But was it, really? That was all he needed from me now?

And it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for _me_.

"I would have stayed, you know, if you hadn't been so adamant."

My eyes lowered. "I know."

Then I began to tear up – just a little – and I squeezed my eyes shut for a millisecond before opening them again so the moisture dried up. I was grateful that he didn't notice this.

"Do you regret it now?"

"What? Don't be absurd." I laughed through my nose, attempting to lighten the mood, and took in and released a huge gust of breath. "I would hate it if twenty years from now, you're still in a sucky relationship with your dad. I'd hate to see you wishing you had a better relationship with him."

He touched my cheek, and where his finger grazed, my skin felt hot.

"Nowadays, though," he said, unguarded, "I keep wondering if things could have turned out differently if I'd let you in – if I'd stopped fighting."

Those mellow things he said were like punches to my gut.

"I think we're a bit too late for that now," I muttered.

He was quiet. "Bad timing?"

"Couldn't be worse." The pain in the chest was worse now too. "Hey, Edward? I have to go now."

"Right. Another date with RJ?"

I cast a wary glance his way.

His tone was casual, but I could never be sure with him.

He softly tugged on my ponytail.

"You're too good for him," were his last, soft-spoken words as he slid by.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong> Ehhem. Someone's jealous.

What do you think? Please be patient with Royce. There will be Edward again SOON (like, next chapter soon).

Would YOU take Edward back if it so happened?

Sarah


	32. Chapter 31

**CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE**

* * *

><p><em>4 Gatorades pwease. 2 for me. 2 for Em. –Mike<em>

_Yeah! The blue ones! –Emmett_

I was choosing two _red_ Gatorades from the fridge when another text arrived.

_And getting those twixs wouldn't hurt… -Mike_

_I hate you. –Bella_

… _Says MCCARTY –Mike_

_I hate you both. –Bella_

_*pout* -Emmett_

I snapped my phone shut, rolling my eyes but more amused than annoyed, as I browsed through the cash register section and grabbed a bunch of leftover Twix bars.

_I fully intend to collect the money. You now stand at sixty bucks, buddy. –Bella_

_You suck. –Mike_

Winter sports season came and went, and now was the beginning of the spring sports season.

Usually, I did not keep track of the school sporting events, but having two acclaimed male athletes as friends left me no other choice but to pay attention… and to run all kinds of errands for the soccer conditioning. I was the "unofficial" soccer manager; the coach sweet-talked me into doing it, promising me that it would look good on my college resume. I didn't fall for it, but acted like I had. After all, I desperately needed to bond with my two closest friends.

So my unofficial duty was to stock both Emmett and Mike with either water or Gatorade and also with a bunch of unhealthy snack when the coach wasn't looking.

Soccer conditioning was especially brutal, I'd noticed.

The last of the winter chill was quite biting – when was it not in Washington? – and the guys really had to man up. The coach made them run the perimeters of the soccer field, stopping them with a whistle every forty feet so they could do drills like pushups, sit-ups, and whatever else that I did not know the name of. Every evening, they ended up running nearly hundred laps.

_JK. Of course I'll pay you back… one day. You're the best. –Mike_

* * *

><p>Mike sent me yet another text message as I warmed my hands in front of the heater.<p>

"Yes, your Majesty, I'm on my way," I sighed, teasing, into the phone as I received a call this time.

"Bella?"

Scowling at the unexpected voice, I checked the screen.

I did a double take and almost cursed. "Mr. Masen?"

It was the first time he called me.

The man sighed impatiently. "Yes, it's me. Listen, can you do me a favor?"

"Uh –" For some reason, I began to scan my surroundings. "Uh, sure – yeah – what do you need?"

"I forgot I already had something planned with little Jane this evening," he explained, urgent. "Would you be a dear and tell Edward that the dinner's pushed to the day after tomorrow instead? I tried his phone earlier, but you know how he never picks up the darn thing."

I started my car. "Sure, sure. I'll do that."

With a quick thank you from him, the line went dead.

* * *

><p>It had been a while since I was here.<p>

And I rang the doorbell.

He didn't say anything about it this time.

But more importantly, I was very surprised at how groggy and underdressed he was.

"Uh." I scratched my neck. "You didn't pick up, so…"

Edward suddenly let out a string of curses – not directed at me, though – and rushed back in, shouting over his shoulder to come in. He didn't even ask me why I was here.

I was taken aback at how everything inside was so barren with all of the usual furnishings missing.

Then I noticed that he was dashing in and out of the rooms.

"Are you looking for something?" I asked.

"I can't find it," he explained, fisting his hair.

"Huh?" I watched as he disappeared again. "Can't find what?"

"_Ah_, shit. I think I accidentally shipped it off to Chicago with everything else." Then he began to rant on, and I'd never seen him sound so obviously nervous. "I was just going to take a short nap, I swear. If you didn't wake me up just now – shit, shit, shit."

It clicked.

Edward's face was full of pure panic as he tore by, and I grabbed his arm.

"Hey, relax. Deep breaths." I eyed him carefully. "Your dad called me ten minutes ago and said the dinner's pushed to Sunday."

"What?"

I unintentionally smiled. "Dinner's not tonight. He said he forgot that he already had plans. He sent me here to make sure you knew."

Edward slowly raised his head to the ceiling and began to laugh, sounding so, so relieved.

"I'd never seen you so anxious," I told him, hands in my back pockets now as I teetered on my feet.

He shook his head and covered half of his face with a hand, still laughing in a daze. "I thought I messed up. He hates it when I'm not punctual."

In a moment, though, he was searching the rooms again.

"What can't you find?" I asked loudly so he could hear me.

"My tie," I heard his voice through the walls.

Oh, right. Formal dinner. "If you're pretty sure about having shipped it off, it'd be quicker if you get yourself a new one."

Edward backed up as I walked past him into his bedroom.

Again, practically empty except for his futon.

Even his small, walk-in closet was mostly empty.

His imminent departure was getting so real now, it hurt.

I ignored the lump in my throat and gently lifted his clothes on the shelves and hangers. "Good. You have everything else. Dress shirt, slacks, jacket…"

"I need the tie too." He paced back and forth for a second before weakly plopping down on the cushion seat and slouching forward, burying his face in his hands. "Dad'll kill me if I don't wear one."

I shut the glass door close. "You can get a new one, right? It's no big deal."

"I know." He shook his head to himself. "I don't know why I'm overreacting."

"And after all," I bent my knees to see his face better, "even this small town isn't going to run out of ties, you know?"

Edward managed to laugh a little, of course along with the charming, lopsided grin.

He seemed happy. He always looked happy nowadays.

I almost reached for his shoulder, but I stopped myself as I realized that doing so was probably out of line.

"My work here is done," I whispered, straightening up and backing away.

"Where are you going?"

"Home – wait." I blinked. "Actually, the soccer field."

I quickly checked for missed calls or unread messages, and sure enough, I had one concerned one from Emmett.

"Well," I breathed, glancing around, uneasy. The awkwardness was, at last, seeping in between us. "I have to run. Oh, right, and you should keep your –"

"Stay for dinner."

I faltered. "What?"

"Stay for dinner," he repeated, eyes piercing.

Silence.

"I can't." Just a shaky whisper. "I shouldn't."

"Then can we grab lunch tomorrow?" He paused. "You know, to catch up?"

"I don't think that's a good idea either," I said finally, voice faint.

Edward looked away and stared straight ahead, leaning forward with his forearms braced on his thighs. He pressed his fingers on his lips, and his eyes were shadowed. He revealed to me no more than just the side of his face.

"Can you help me pick out a tie tomorrow then?" He suddenly had a smile – that mischievous, unfathomable one – when he turned to me once more. "I want to impress her – Liz. Help me look good."

He smiled bigger, and I wanted to tell him he already did.

Instead, I shook my head, eyeing him firmly.

His face went blank. "Why?"

I silently relished the intensity in his eyes.

"Just the tie, then," I said at last. "But that's all, okay?"

With a blink, his lips turned up in a smallest quirk.

* * *

><p>"You jinxed it."<p>

I was laughing so hard. "I think I did."

Yeah, Forks was out of ties – at least the semi-fashionable, semi-decent ones that a teenage boy could wear to a high-class restaurant.

Edward glimpsed over at me as I kept giggling. I was aware of the way he was watching me, although I was reluctant to identify it.

My breath caught, and I looked away and out the window.

It was a rare beautiful day out, and I pressed my body a bit closer to the glass – trying to see the sky better – when it rolled down.

I caught a smile on his profile.

It was unseasonably warm today; the sun was out for once, and the winds were breezier – nice – as they surrounded us.

They pressed against Edward's already tousled hair, and I laughed lightly.

"What?" he said, still grinning.

"Nothing." Resisting the urge to comb down his hair, I looked away. "Just."

We got on the road that would lead us out of town.

"So," I began quietly, "where to? Aberdeen? Port Angeles?"

Not even a pause. "Aberdeen."

_Longer drive_. "Sure."

The silence was peaceful.

"Your hair has a bit of red."

I looked over to him again.

"Your hair has red," he said again.

"Oh." I self-consciously twisted a long strand. "Only in the sun."

I was starting to worry if it were a bad idea to be with him like this again.

After all, this would be just one more piece of memory he was leaving behind – leaving with me – one that would haunt me for a long time, possibly as long as I lived, because this guy was sort of like a habit to me now. And this habit was absolutely despicable, I knew, but I couldn't help it.

Couldn't help it.

I wanted to be comforted by the fact, though, that this would be a piece of memory for him too – one he would also have to take.

"You're going to remember me, right?" I whispered.

He heard me. I knew he did.

But his attention stayed, calm, on the road.

A slow blush crept up my chest and neck, and I kept still, heart running away with such violent energy.

"We'll keep in touch," was his answer.

I nodded, but he and I both knew that neither of us truly believed that.

Perhaps the memory would be just as painful for him – haunting him.

Then again, unlike me, he was already used to this – this losing someone. And unlike what all the memories would mean to me, to him, they would simply become a part of the collection of the many, many sad pieces of his life.

Just a faint memory of a Bella Swan he used to know.

* * *

><p>Traffic was horrible, and by the time we got to the mall, it was past lunchtime.<p>

Through the tall mirror, Edward stared at the reflection of his body and shrugged out of his sweater. He let the female worker help pull one of the crisp white dress shirts over, instead.

As he buttoned himself up, she opened a shelf of ties, and waited.

"Are you looking for any style or color in particular?" she asked, for a second looking at me as if she wasn't sure about whom she should address.

And Edward seemed totally at a loss.

So I answered instead. "No, but I think because he's already so pale…" I glimpsed around awkwardly. "Actually, I'm not sure either…"

"No, no, you're right. He _is_ pretty pale." She smiled warmly and gazed into Edward's eyes. "Hmm."

I sat down on the cushion seat as she hung a cherry-red necktie around him.

"How does this look?" she asked me.

I tilted my head and looked at his reflection.

Edward raised an eyebrow at me.

"It looks good." I smiled softly. "Really good."

"Your eyes are very green." The woman scanned the shelf of ties and hummed again. "Oh, I think this color palette will work perfectly…"

Hanging an array of neckties around her arm, she explained the mechanics behind color-matching; she said that because Edward had warm tones – dark red hair, green eyes, fair skin – he should avoid dark colors that would make him look paler, and instead stick to light, earthy colors that would make his eyes pop.

"So?" I blinked up at Edward. "Which one do you like?"

He still looked stunned. "I honestly don't see the difference."

I'd never seen him this endearingly perplexed, and it made me smile. "What color was the old one? Your old tie?"

He scowled down at his chest, fingering the silk. "Blue…"

"Do you want to try something new or stick to what you're used to?" The worker grinned at me. "He'll look good in just about anything, though. Won't you agree?"

My cheeks went aflame, and Edward studied me in amusement.

"The red, the deep brown, and the dark green look nice – suit your age the best. The other colors might be a bit too old for you." The woman turned to me again. "What are your thoughts?"

"Yeah, I agree. He looks good in them." I watched his reflection again, realizing how sharp he looked in formal wear. "All of them."

"Of course she thinks so." The woman laughed politely. "So?"

Scratching the back of his head, he finally pointed at the cheapest one.

With a nod, the worker rushed off, and I got up to help untangle his tie and undo the buttons of his shirt.

Tossing his head to the side, he scrutinized my fingers as they brushed over his chest, and then my face.

One corner of his mouth went up as I undid the last button and parted his shirt, and that made me look him in the eye.

She was right. Green. Very green.

And just like that, my thoughts strayed; I wondered about being with him, naked, in bed, moving our bodies so we were joined again and again, and having him hold me through it all because he loved me as much as I loved him.

His head dipped a bit, and I stepped away instinctively. But he caught my wrist, restraining me.

He kept me close and slowly adjusted his body so he had his face buried in the crook of my neck. His arms surrounded my waist, rocking us both back and forth.

I stuck my forearms between us.

He sighed. "What?"

I simply shook my head.

"What?" he said again, stare strong and unyielding. "Why, are you getting serious with RJ?"

"What does he have to do with anything?" My chest tightened. "It has nothing to do with Royce."

Silence.

"You told me you were never going to get tired of me." His face closed a little. "Will _you _remember me?"

We were staring each other down, both of us relentless.

"Of course." I gently tugged the sleeves off his shoulders. "That's a stupid question."

* * *

><p>The neatly packaged tie in hand, Edward pocketed his wallet, and I led the way toward the exit.<p>

I was more than shocked when his hand, hot on the palm and cold on the fingertips, linked with my dangling one, and I looked up in surprise.

He seemed just as stunned and hastily let go.

Then he snorted a little, sliding by and avoiding my eyes. "Sorry. It's a habit."

In a daze, I gazed at the palm of my hand and clenched and unclenched it into a fist.

Habits. Yeah, how despicable they were.

* * *

><p>Those golden arches were teasing me.<p>

Edward noticed, of course.

"Wanna grab lunch?" he asked, fighting a smile and already inching toward the entrance.

We were actively aware of one another as we ordered.

"No ice cream?" he asked with a private smirk.

"I don't know." I actually dwelled on that thought for a little bit. "Maybe later."

Having already paid for his food, he was in the process of taking out extra dollars when I slightly nudged him on the hip and stopped him.

I ended up paying for myself, and he pretended as if he didn't notice.

* * *

><p>Making conversation wasn't hard.<p>

Chemistry was never a problem for us.

Edward was asking me about how this year's soccer team was faring, and I told him about the freshmen newbies that were trying to make the team.

He scowled at certain names, more so at one – "Eric Yorkie? The sophomore? The one built like a twig?"

I nodded, amused.

"He can't even do a proper pushup," he muttered.

"Nope, he can't, but he's one of the best runners." Without thinking, I reached over and removed the splatter of crumbs on his mouth.

Oh, wow. I stared, wide-eyed –

"Hey, are these seats empty? Do you mind if we sit here?"

Two girls. Older than I was. Older than Edward. Attractive.

Edward's eyes were intent on me, though, and I was the one who responded.

"Sure," I said, but the girls just kept trying to catch Edward's attention.

Ah. Of course.

I kicked Edward on the foot.

He looked at them at last, lazily, and down at the table that was connected to ours. His gaze moved back to me. "Go ahead."

The girls exchanged coy looks and thanked him.

Edward ignored them and began to talk to me again.

But I hardly knew what he was saying because those girls were very conspicuously ogling him and whispering something to each other, chuckling lowly.

From under the table, Edward's knee purposefully touched mine.

I startled.

Oh. I'd been bouncing my leg, and I didn't even know.

Smothering a smirk, he took a quick sip of his soda. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I sighed, noting how unaffected he seemed by the attention he was obviously getting. I knew he wasn't the oblivious type though. "But that doesn't bother you?"

"Does what bother me?"

"They keep staring."

Mischievous, Edward slowly turned his body to the side… staring back, now with a deadpan, at the two girls. "Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I think you're making my friend uncomfortable."

What?

The pair did the whole double take, scowling, as they noisily brushed their trays off the table and rushed to the vacant one all the way across the room.

I thought I heard something rude muttered under their breath.

I blinked. "Why did you do that?"

"Because they made you uncomfortable?"

"I was asking if they made _you _uncomfortable," I corrected in an impatient, hushed voice. "They were obviously checking you out –"

"What exactly are you jealous of?"

He indifferently popped a fry in his mouth.

This time, it was me who did the double take.

"I wasn't even giving them a second look_. _So _why _would you be jealous?" he pressed, eyes scanning my face and eyebrow arching. Teasing now. "Bella Swan?"

"I'm not – _jealous_ –"

He raised an eyebrow.

I glared a little harshly. "Sorry, but my jealousy is reserved for people I actually like."

"And you don't like me?"

I was very close to slamming my tray on top of his, but instead, I settled with picking up both his and mine, and discarding them on the garbage bin beside us. I'd barely finished my food, but that hardly mattered. I wanted to leave.

His smirk widened. "I wasn't done eating."

I bristled, clumsily getting off my seat and momentarily getting my shoelaces stuck under the chair legs. "Well, I was."

The smirk was dangerously close to a grin. "Really?"

I had a feeling he knew exactly why.

* * *

><p>The rest of the food court was raucous with shrieking children and shouted orders.<p>

On my way to the escalator, I walked a few feet ahead of Edward. Even in the noisy room, however, I could very easily detect the smothered snickers from –

I stumbled just a bit as I accidentally stepped on my loose shoelaces.

Yeah, Edward Cullen was cracking up now.

I halted abruptly.

His steps stopped a second later.

I swiftly turned, glare already in place.

His hand went up to the back of his head, and he feigned whistling.

My eyes narrowed.

He flashed me a bright grin.

He made one step forward. And then another.

I equaled him with two steps also – being extra careful not to stumble again – and opened my mouth when he quickly closed the distance and went down to one knee.

He began to tie my shoes.

I stood, frozen, in awe. "It's… um… hey, it's okay – Edward, I can do it myself…"

I awkwardly tried to pull my foot away, but he grabbed my ankle just in time and kept me grounded.

"So clumsy." He began a double knot. "You almost fell."

Self-conscious because we were in the middle of a very public place, I blushed and muttered, "I don't need you to remind me that I'm clumsy."

I shook my leg a little, just to annoy him, and I was getting slightly upset with myself now for sounding like a child.

"I stumble," I murmured, "not fall."

"Really?"

He was somewhere else now, thinking and talking about something else.

And I was also somewhere else, thinking about the same something else, and I could feel myself zoning out.

I wasn't sure he knew.

But whenever I fell –

I would always fall hard.

* * *

><p>As we approached the mall exit, I reassessed the color of the tie he bought – the red one – and wondered belatedly if it would go along well with his jacket and shirt at home.<p>

My eyes fell to my moving legs, and I felt my mouth going up as I saw the double knot on my left shoe.

Shoes.

I spun around, eyes enlarging. "The shoes!"

"Shoes?" Edward repeated blankly.

"Do you have dress shoes?"

His face fell. "Shit."

* * *

><p>"Have a great day!"<p>

Edward nodded politely at the cashier and snatched the shopping bag off the countertop.

We tore down the long room on our way out, and I slowed as we reached the area for women's shoes.

Smiling, I lightly swept a hand on the displayed sandals and stilettos in my path. Black, hot pink, grey, red, silver, beige –

I stopped for a second by the beige ones and stared admiringly at the cute bow.

I musingly wondered if I would ever find myself wearing stilettos as high as these.

"You want to try 'em on?"

Edward.

I stood up straight. "Oh, no, it's just… I'm good."

Amused, he picked up the beige stiletto and flipped it upside down by hooking an index finger on the heel. "What's your size?"

I quickly stole it and placed it back on the table. "My feet are too small for heels like these."

"I can get you a pair." He checked out the price tag and shrugged. "I can afford this."

On cue, an employee from the other corner began to head our way.

"I'm fine," I insisted. "I don't need these."

"But if you want them…" He smiled a little. "I mean, you never wanted anything from me."

I very slowly blinked up at his even stare.

Grabbing his hand, I towed him down the rest of the way. I changed direction as we stepped out the door, but even then, I thought he was still staring at those beige shoes through the glass wall.

* * *

><p>"<em>I mean, you never wanted anything from me."<em>

Because those words were repeating over and over in my head, I hardly realize that we were moving back toward the food court until we got there.

Clueless, I watched as Edward ordered two ice cream cones – vanilla and chocolate – and handed one to me without looking at me.

He was smiling, though, to himself.

"You said 'maybe later,'" he finally said, taking a quick lick on his vanilla cone and walking ahead.

And now, I was also smiling to myself as I quickly tried to catch up.

* * *

><p>"Here, I'll hold it," I said, nodding at his ice cream, so he could take the wheel.<p>

Soon, the car glided out the parking space and onto the streets.

Without a word, he rolled the windows down halfway, letting the breeze, sunlight, and the smell of greenery spill in.

We stopped at a stoplight.

Lazily leaning on his elbow on the opened window, Edward blindly reached for his ice cream cone.

I kept munching on my ice cream, suppressing a smile, and pulled his cone closer to my body when he reached over for the second time.

I gave myself away, though, because I burst out laughing as his hand aimlessly hurtled through thin air.

He finally looked over, sitting up, and grinned.

Still laughing, I surrendered with a shrug.

And after one giant bite, he slanted his ice cream back in my direction with a raised eyebrow.

Cheeks turning a shade of pink, I leaned forward with an open mouth only to have him smudge the cream on my nose.

It was he who was laughing this time, and I closed my eyes, a big smile creeping up my face. "You did that on purpose!"

"Oh, yeah, definitely on purpose."

Before I could fumble for the napkins on the backseats, he pinched the cream off my nose and the tips of my mouth and licked his fingers clean.

My cheeks were darker than pink now.

Shooting me one passing smirk, he stepped on the gas.

* * *

><p>Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.<p>

With furrowed eyebrows, Edward took the call. "Hello?"

I smiled, breathing in deeply, and quietly admitted to myself that I hadn't smiled this many times for weeks now.

Weird.

"Dad?"

My head popped up.

My lips went dry as Edward slowly but surely broke into a beam. Giving me a slight scrunch of the nose, he pulled up into the nearest space to park, turned off the engine, and excused himself.

I was quickly filled with unease. I could feel it in my stomach.

I shut my eyes close.

This was bad.

I couldn't get attached again.

Eyes only on him now, I stepped out the car.

I was walking in his direction before I knew it.

I didn't say anything as I listened to the one-sided conversation, wringing my hands together behind me and digging my toes into the dirt below.

I knew when he ended the call.

I knew when he was stepping closer to me.

For some reason, he didn't ask me why I followed him out, and simply nudged me on my back. "Let's go back in."

And I followed him quietly, thinking.

But I didn't want to think anymore.

I bravely stuck my hand out, hesitating for a second just before I grasped the fabric on his elbow and tugged.

His head twisted to the side as his steps slowed, and his body tilted in my direction.

His eyes were boring into my face – I could feel it – as I, with a furiously beating heart, looped my pinkie over his.

He let me.

We would have to let go when we reached the car.

We both knew this, and maybe that was why our steps were dragging to almost a stop.

_Holding hands… is this another bad idea on my part?_

I kept walking behind him like a little girl. I peeked upward, and he was giving me a sidelong glance also.

And I decided that although I didn't know if it was good or bad… it was way past too late to stop.

* * *

><p>It was odd, sitting in the middle of the school parking lot, in the tiny parking space that separated Edward's car from mine.<p>

Edward had already understood my dad's distaste for him that day when they officially met each other for the first time, and probably knew what I was implying the moment I told him this morning that we should meet up at school first. Maybe I was actually giving Charlie the very reason to be suspicious of me.

I stared, zoning out, at his leather jacket I was sitting on and at the asphalt below.

I traced random doodles all over the pocket, thinking about the way his pinkie had squeezed mine just before it let go…

"Want?"

"Huh? Oh." I took the cool soda, which I assumed he got from the trunk. He'd already opened the can for me. "Thanks."

The liquid sizzled as he snapped opened his. His stare was trained on me as he took a long sip.

I had to look away. I _had _to.

And it was very dark out now; I could barely make out the objects around me, but the night sky was quite breathtaking. It was as clear as it had been all day.

My eyebrows furrowed together as I gazed up at the darkness and the shimmering dots embedded in it. "Wow. We can actually see the stars tonight. So many of them."

_"I don't know about it being beautiful, but it sure is big."_

"I like the moon."

I smiled meekly. The way he was unpredictable – I'd missed that. "I like the stars."

He snorted, although not impolitely.

I shrugged. "The stars are way prettier."

"Maybe." He shrugged also. "But there's just one moon."

"But if you find the one star that's prettier than the other million, it's just as special as the lone moon."

I returned to stargazing, and I thought about Arizona, remembering how the stars were much more often visible there…

"You have a point."

"Hmm?"

"I do see one in a million that's particularly pretty."

"But I thought there were just too many for you."

"But there's that one." He flashed me a toothy grin. "Can't take my eyes off it."

He snuggled closer to his car and crossed his arms on his chest, watching – simply watching.

And he was looking at me.

As if he couldn't take his eyes off _me._

"You're different nowadays," he said quietly.

"I'm still me." I wrung my hands together tightly. "I'm still Bella."

"The Bella I know used to talk to me with her eyes."

My chest rose and fell.

"And I used to be the only guy in that Bella's life."

My eyes shifted.

"Are you scared of me?"

This was the first time he was willingly showing me a secret part of himself.

I liked it.

I hated it.

It was sadly a bit too late.

I heard him sigh and heavily lean backward, and everything felt unusually normal – peaceful, even.

The only guy in my life looked so worn out, and a part of me was relieved that I wasn't alone in that feeling.

"Bella?"

"What is it?"

"This… it's not okay for me. Will it ever be okay?"

His question – vague but so crystal clear.

My hesitation was long at first, until it lasted forever, and I never gave him an answer.

My silence wasn't what he wanted but one that he expected. The resigned way he kept his eyes downcast told me that.

But the way he kept smiling also told me that he was okay with not being okay for now.

Our stares collided.

"We'll be okay," I whispered finally.

Then he laughed a little, and I echoed him.

We sounded gentle and off and soft and vulnerable and completely insane in our stupid, random laughter. We didn't even know what was funny, but the laughing spurred on more laughing. At one point, we were both holding our sides and trying to stop.

Then something shifted as we quieted just a bit, and I had to hide my face behind my hair because my vision was getting blurry and my throat felt all choked up.

The tears weren't from laughing.

When I knew I was okay with seeing his face again, I did, and he was gulping down his drink as if it were water.

Then the heels of his palms found his eyes, and his lips were curving up.

"Jesus," he muttered, laughing softly again and showing me his eyes. Watery. "Why are my eyes burning?"

It made me wonder.

So I also quaffed down my Coke and grinned – with watery eyes. "Mine too."

I got him. He got me.

Curling my body inward, I bent and shifted my legs.

His laugh dried up instantly; he was looking at me again, only the stare was focused downward.

I looked down too, and I was flashing him what was beneath my dress.

I hastily pulled down the hem, and snapped and rubbed my thighs together. But the tips of our toes were touching now, and his eyes were tracing my bare ankles.

We stared at each other for a while, and he was suddenly reaching for the back of my head and looming closer.

Closer and closer – until our mouths were a breath apart.

I couldn't move, my hands hovering in midair because I was unsure what to do with them.

I could hear his breathing, and it made my skin tingle.

I was waiting. Waiting for – … I didn't even know anymore.

Edward moved so lethargically, and our noses touched for half a moment before he pulled away.

My widened eyes stayed unmoving on the ground.

"Bella. If you stay here much longer, you might not be leaving at all tonight."

I sat up abruptly, heart skipping a beat.

"Tell me to leave," he said slowly, eyes back on my bare legs.

"Oh." I took in a short breath. "Right. Um." I pulled my leg away from him and clumsily stood up. "I'll go. You should… go too. It's getting late."

He smirked and squeezed my ankle.

I shakily opened the truck door and climbed in as he passed me my coat.

"Hey, I want you to look at me for once," he said.

His eyes flitted between the two of mine, capturing my attention almost too completely and intensely that it made me uneasy.

So I did what I was good at these days: look away.

He actually snorted. "Of course you'd do the opposite."

His genuine laugh colored the awkward air.

And this time, I managed to face him perfectly. Smile to smile. Eye to eye.

"Drive safe, okay?"

I nodded and whispered, "You too. Good luck tomorrow."

"Thanks."

Funny. Exactly like I said just minutes ago, we – and everything – were okay once again.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Hey, guys! I'm starting on compiling questions you may have for this fic (majorly concerning E's secrets or his weird behavior – am I right?) so I can – try and – answer all of them in the narrative from this point and on, as I am aware that the questions _I_ plan to answer may not be the same as ones _you_ need/want. Does that make sense? Basically, the questions you choose to send in will not be answered in Q&A format; they will be embedded in the story in the next ten to fifteen chapters as AWA wraps up. But please remember that I will, of course, keep the flow of the story consistent, so some questions may not be answered. After all, sometimes it's better/more beautiful to leave something unexplored, as a mystery.

Anyhow, please send those questions in through reviews/pm. Oh! And feel free to flip through the previous chapters and point at certain scenes if you must; I plan to do one super long EPOV chapter – following the tentative epilogue – as the last chapter. So if you want a particular scene in which you're curious about what E's thinking, again, tell me! I look forward to seeing many questions/requests! (: This is my way of expressing my gratitude to everyone.

So what did you think of the chapter? Seems like Bella's falling for him all over again… *sigh* Leave me a review!

Sarah


	33. Chapter 32

**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO**

* * *

><p>It was three o'clock when Edward Cullen left me a text.<p>

And that text left me feeling as though someone had thrown a million punches at the most sensitive place in my heart.

* * *

><p>I was the one visiting Royce in Port Angeles tonight.<p>

"What is this? Is this finally a date?" he'd asked on the phone, no doubt surprised – and pleased – at my eagerness.

"I dare you to make it one," I'd mumbled back.

"Challenge accepted."

* * *

><p>"Hello, beautiful."<p>

"Hey, you," I mumbled, turning off the ignition and stepping out.

"Wow," his eyes scanned me, "you look like an angel."

I started and looked up.

_You just look like a Christmas angel._

"Stop, Royce."

"What?" He spread his arms, grinning. "It's a compliment."

"Yeah." I blinked. "I don't need it."

"What?" he said again, voice cracking and laughing. "Then would you like me to call you a princess? Does that –"

I gently gutted him on the stomach upon meeting him halfway, and Royce feigned excruciating pain, dropping to his knees and cradling his stomach, with a grunt and all.

He passed out.

But I knew better.

"Get up, Drama Queen," I said with a tap on the shoulder and a roll of my eyes.

He peeked at me through his lashes, wearing a very naughty smile, as his outstretched hand sought for mine.

And I gave it, only to fall on the cement next to him.

"I should have seen that coming." I bit on my lip as I tried to ignore the way his fingers around my wrist flexed and tingled. "We should get up."

"If this is a date…"

I stilled.

He abruptly let me go and shrugged. "Never mind. I just hope you know what to expect tonight."

That was all, and he led me away.

* * *

><p>We ate dinner at a local Italian chain, and the food there was delicious and perfectly priced.<p>

As always, Royce was quite the company to keep, and his cockiness was no longer annoying. If anything, it was amusing.

But the entire time we were there, I was mostly trying to avoid thinking about the last time I was in Port Angeles when I ate at the deli right across from it.

And when we reached his apartment…

"Relax." Royce gave me a funny look. "No parents."

"Exactly." I looked around awkwardly. "I seriously hope this isn't what you told me I should expect."

Rolling his eyes, he popped the door open. "You act all innocent."

I blinked furiously. "And how am I not innocent?"

Sighing, he leaned on the ledge and spun the key on his fingers. "I have a fifteen-year-old brother who'll keep us in line. Very reliable. I swear. I'm not planning to seduce you or anything crazy like that."

Royce was the one following me in, and I had to look back a few times because I wasn't sure if I was heading down the right hallway or turning on the right corner.

When we reached the entrance of what I assumed as the darkly lit living room, I began to head in that way when a hand grabbed my waist.

"My brother's probably in there." Royce pointed at the stairway just behind us. "We might want to duck past to my room really quickly."

I swallowed nervously. "Or we could say hi to him and talk?"

He smirked and shrugged. "Fine, then, be my guest."

Then as I stepped in, I was scarred for life because I saw two very naked fifteen-year-olds humping each other on the sofa.

Royce was howling with laughter as I scurried up the stairs.

* * *

><p>Oddly enough, it seemed to be that Royce King really wasn't going to do anything inappropriate with me.<p>

Having just washed my hands in the restroom, I peeked through the door into the bedroom before letting myself in.

Royce was reading a thick book.

"You read?" I mocked him jokingly.

He didn't take my insult to heart, of course, and shut the book close. "Finals."

I flipped through some of the strewn out textbooks on the bedside table and ran a finger down the spines. "You said you wanted to major in engineering, right? What field are you interested in?"

He rubbed a hand on his face and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know, really."

"Don't you have to declare soon?"

"Yeah," he said in a daze.

"I can just leave, you know," I said quietly, because seeing all the studious mess in his room, I knew that the finals must be approaching pretty quickly. "You should study."

I blankly traced a finger on the wallpaper, but when I didn't hear an answer, I looked his way.

He seemed satisfied about… something. "But you don't want to go."

I thought about that and smiled in slight amazement.

"No, I don't."

* * *

><p>Royce took my hand and pulled me down beside him on the bedside rug.<p>

I couldn't help but wonder if he knew that I was uncomfortable with sitting on his bed.

"So," he began.

"So," I repeated.

"What do you want to do?"

I began to laugh. "I don't know. You're the host."

Royce went down on his back to a comfortable sprawl, while I sat stiffly on the floor.

Lying on the floor, he let his eyes linger on my knees for one second before looking up at me.

I narrowed my eyes, silently telling him that he'd been caught.

"You can't blame me; you look nice in that dress."

Sighing, I fingered the hem. The dress was lavender, gauzy, casual, and nothing special, and I had to wonder why he thought I looked nice in it.

He blindly fumbled for a textbook on the floor and began to read it.

A few minutes passed, and he finally groaned, poking my knee. "Seriously, relax. You're only young once."

Snorting, I swung my legs out and obligingly lay down beside him, hands gathered on my stomach.

I didn't mind when he purposefully tangled our legs together.

"Much better," he murmured, still reading.

I faced him tentatively and briefly marveled at how pretty and straight his nose was.

He must have noticed my gawking, because he was smirking. "Right, Bella?"

"Hmm?" To say I was flustered was an understatement. "Sure, I guess so."

Sighing deeply, he raised an eyebrow. "You know, I can make it even better." His hand started to play with the ends of my hair as he whispered, "Just give me the permission."

Yeah, I distinctly remembered those words.

My eyes went big.

"I mean it." His stomach moved as he laughed aloud, smug. "I'm not kidding."

"Shut up." I angled away and felt the heat rise in my face. "Read your book."

"Yes, ma'am."

A second later though – "Let me know, Bella."

I chucked his pillow at his face.

* * *

><p>Looking out the window and seeing the pitch-dark streets of Port Angeles beneath me, I realized.<p>

I realized that I missed the snow lining the sidewalks, the pretty red-and-green decorations, and the carols.

Huh. Coming here was actually a bad idea. Now I really wanted last year's Christmas back, and I couldn't have it.

"What are you thinking?"

It was getting really dark outside, fast. I couldn't see much anymore.

"Bella?"

I wondered if the dinner was going well. Or had it ended by now?

"All right." A snort. "This ignoring thing will take some time for me to get used to."

I was too tired to look at him. "Actually…"

"Now you're acknowledging me?"

I smiled a little. "I have a question."

"I love questions. Shoot."

"Do you miss high school?"

"High school?" He contemplated. "Nah. College is more fun. Why?"

I shrugged one shoulder. "Just wondering. I don't want to miss all this. You know what I mean?"

He eyed me. "That's all up to you."

Did Edward and I fall apart because we were never enough? Or was it never enough because we fell apart? And was I thinking about all this because it hurt? Or did it hurt because I was thinking about all this? And –

_Stop._

I had to stop.

"Another question." I gave him my attention finally, and he seemed surprised at something; I didn't know why. "Do you think it's smart or a coward of me to play it safe?"

"What are you playing safe?"

"Can't tell you that."

He rolled his eyes.

I smiled privately. "Because I'm not sure – if I'm even playing it safe, I mean. Because playing it safe definitely doesn't feel safe either. Nope, not at all."

"Maybe you're playing it fake."

I looked up.

_I _hate _it when it looks fake to other people._

"What?" My voice cracked.

"I don't know. Sometimes, you seem to have your head up in the cloud. Like the last two hours." He waved me off, voice gentler. "You know what I mean."

Right now was the odd moment where I was crying inside but hiding it outside.

He ran his finger through his golden hair, scratching his head. "Bella, it's better to just cry it out. If you don't, at one point, all that is going to build up inside you and make a bigger mess. We don't want that, right?"

As he wrapped my body with his, I stuck my face in his chest, eyes wide and throat clenched.

"I wonder if he knows," I said woodenly.

But _Royce_ knew, and he tucked my face closer to his neck.

* * *

><p>"I really do like the dress."<p>

I couldn't take my eyes off our hands, barely touching.

It was that moment that I knew I was given a choice.

"And," he went on, voice and eyes equally careful, "I really meant it that night when I said I wanted to see what was underneath."

Royce gave me a kiss, one that was as sweet – if not sweeter – than the one last time.

"I would forever wonder how you made that sound unperverted," I teased as my eyes fluttered open.

He looked slightly irritated. "I'm trying to break out of my shell and be serious here."

I didn't know what to do.

"Bella, I really am attracted to you.

"I really wish you'd give me the permission.

"And I really hope tonight was a date."

Another kiss.

It was brief and short, and I kind of fell back because my knees felt weak.

He noticed my reaction. "You gave me the opportunity, and I took it. This was a date, right? You had to see that one coming."

Who was I to blame?

"I don't do games when I really mean it." His eyes were careful again. "I'm not like Edward Cullen."

I lowered my shocked gaze.

"I think I like you." He paused. "Is that okay?"

A small part of my mind couldn't get over the fact that Royce, whom I assumed to be some kind of skirt chaser and playboy, sounded very shy and unsure about all this, but the bigger part was simply overwhelmed because all I could detect in his words and gaze was something significant – undoubtedly serious.

"I know, I know," he then went on casually, "you don't trust me and everything."

He said a couple of more things after that, but I wasn't listening. Then –

"I have a question, Bella."

"I hate questions." I swallowed anxiously. "Shoot."

"Am I your safe choice?"

My fists clenched. "I honestly don't know…"

Silence.

"But it does seem like it," I finished in a whisper.

"Great. Now that we have that cleared up… I'm going to tell you that it is _very_ smart of you to play safe, and I want you to continue to choose safe."

"Royce."

"So just play safe with me," he said quietly, "okay?"

* * *

><p>It was almost eight o'clock as I aimlessly scrolled down the grocery aisle, looking for something really sweet and fattening to eat the night away.<p>

I was walking in my daydreams, though, and it was no surprise that I banged right into someone.

I felt slightly lightheaded as I took in the disheveled suit and the face of Edward Cullen.

We said hi over each other, both of us sounding eerily nervous together.

Then my eyes focused on the object beside his hip, and his eyes settled on what was sitting on the crook of my arm.

"Are those –" I began in shock as he quickly hid his purchase behind him.

My heart was beating so fast, as all kinds of absurd thought flashed through my mind.

"Edward," I said shakily, "are those tampons?"

* * *

><p>I popped my head through the bathroom door, and sure enough, Edward was waiting against the opposite wall.<p>

He bounced off with as an alert look crossed his face.

"Do you have aspirin?" I whispered.

"Does Tylenol work?"

I nodded, biting my lip. "Hurry."

And Edward hurried off into the kitchen.

With a sigh, I faced the frail girl sitting on the toilet seat again, and she was sniffling and rubbing her fingers on her eyes.

"Hey, don't do that," I murmured, smiling. "We don't want to smudge the mascara, do we?"

She immediately stopped the rubbing but kept sniffling, and I hid a wider smile.

When I first saw this girl, I thought she was a boy. She was extremely skinny, almost like someone anorexic, and had beautiful pale brown hair that was trimmed to her chin.

"The pain will go away," I assured her. "I promise."

"It feels weird," she wept miserably. "I'm bleeding."

"It's natural." I bit my lip, amused. "Every girl does it."

Then Edward knocked on the door and delivered a glass of water and the pill.

He watched as I helped the girl take the medication.

"Let's go." Edward patted her bony thigh. "Can you move?"

She fiercely glared at him but didn't protest as he, with a matching glare, forced her on a piggyback.

I tried not to stare too much as the girl lay down on the layers of blanket that Edward prepared by the roasting fireplace.

Then some minutes passed, but I stayed – just in case.

"Go to sleep, Jane. It's been a long day," Edward mumbled at last.

The Tylenol must be working because she actually had it in her to stuck her tongue out and kick him on the shin.

"Damn, girl, where did you learn to kick like that?" he hissed, lightly jabbing her back on the knee.

Then Jane's wide-eyed expression landed on me, and her lips went up to a mischievous yet angelic smile that made me awkwardly smile back.

The wide grey eyes were a dead giveaway, though; they greatly resembled her father's pair.

* * *

><p>"I didn't know you had a sister."<p>

"Half sister."

I tailed behind him as he, his sleeping sister in his arms, walked into his bedroom and gently dropped her onto his futon.

I pulled the covers up to her chin for him.

As we closed the door behind us, I couldn't hold it anymore: I burst out laughing.

He looked at me weirdly, but he was fighting a grin too.

"Sorry." I tried to muffle the laugh, shaking my head. "But when I saw you with those tampons…"

"You have no idea how much it scared me when Jane showed me her bloody panties." He blew air out, scratching his neck. "And all I could think was, 'fuck, fuck, fuck.'"

In the kitchen, he offered me a glass of water. "How am I supposed to know the difference between tampons and pads?"

I hummed. "So how old is she?"

"She's…" He faltered a lot longer than it was normal, and I raised a brow. "Around twelve? Thirteen?"

"You don't know?"

"I haven't seen her in a while."

For years, Jane probably never had a mother figure around – not until now, at least – who taught her all the girly bits in life. It was no surprise that she didn't know what to do.

"If I hadn't bumped into you," Edward said, smirking.

"Nightmare, right?" I looked away. "So how was the dinner?"

He leaned on the fridge, watching me. "Pretty bad."

I was more than a little stunned.

And I didn't understand why he was looking at me like that as he undid the tie we picked out and threw it over the stool and popped open the two buttons of his dress shirt.

And I liked him this way. He'd looked sharp with the jacket and all, but I liked how casual he appeared now.

My eyes went up to his face, and I blushed as I realized that he'd caught me checking him out.

"Bella?" he said suddenly, smug smile in his voice.

Ignoring the playful question in his eyes, I glimpsed over to the first thing that caught my attention: food in a pretty paper box.

Unthinking, I opened the top, and stared, not knowing what to make of it, an elaborately decorated cake within the container.

"Liz."

I looked up. "Your stepmom bought this for you?"

He snorted. "And Dad. Apparently he told her those were my favorite."

He then shrugged and stalked out the kitchen.

I pulled the container closer to my face and tried to decipher the color of the sponge.

My eyebrows furrowed.

_Carrot cake._

* * *

><p>The way the shadows of the flames from the fireplace swam across his face kept me blinking up at him, and in this moment, I felt dangerous.<p>

And the way he was eyeing me was pretty dangerous too.

He gently tugged on my hair. "You braided it."

Self-conscious, I raked a finger down the bumps.

_Dangerous and safe._

_Choice._

"Edward, I –"

I hastily stopped myself.

Inside, I was reeling, berating myself in pure stupor.

Oh, God, was I really about to ask him if he would be okay if I started dating someone else?

"I'm going to miss you," was what I said instead, and the words sounded so stiff, lackluster, unsure… last-minute.

He noticed. "You told me that before."

I let out a short, awkward breath. "I did."

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you get my message?"

I felt both my shoulder and face fall. I froze further as his forefinger traced my palm, tickling it.

"You've made a mess of me. You know that?" Now it was his entire hand. "I don't want to leave you."

Funny. That was exactly how I felt too.

"Why did it take you so long to find that out?" I asked quietly.

"At least I know it now, right?"

"Are you sure –" I fell speechless when I raised my head to see his face just a breath away from mine.

I had to muster every control to stay still and keep my neck straight.

"You know what really sucks?" He smiled a little. "I can't remember just how sweet you taste 'cause it's been so long."

Then our lips brushed.

His lips parted.

His fingers tugged on my braid and made it untangle.

He wrapped a hand on my cheek.

I touched the hand, not sure whether I wanted to take it off and or leave it there.

He sucked on my bottom lip, but I didn't reciprocate.

"What are you waiting for?" he whispered against my mouth.

_Was I waiting for something?_

And so I told him that I wasn't waiting for anything.

He groaned when I sucked, hard, on his tongue, and my body grew hot.

On instinct, I pulled back, but his firm was strong.

"Do that again," he said.

The frenzy in his eyes was ablaze, and before I could tell him anything, he prodded me off the blankets and onto his thighs.

"Kiss me again," he rasped, wildly swallowing every one of my pecks.

The words were unnecessary; just the intense look he gave me was enough of a command.

And I did kiss him. Again and again. Until the place between my legs felt damp.

He squeezed my hips, and it was only then that I realized the frantic gyrating of my waist.

Then he was guiding me the way he liked it, using me for pleasure.

"I need you to want me as much as I want you," I heard him whisper desperately in my ear. "'Cause it's always me. It's always me who wants it."

Wrong.

And although I never said that, I think after the way I eagerly held _his_ waist, he knew.

All those weeks of increasing the distance between us were reduced to nothing now, as that distance now collapsed to zero.

His breathing picked up, and I was sighing and writhing and needing.

His eyes were focused on where our body met, and to see me better, he shoved my dress to my waist and held it bunched by my ribs.

But that thankfully lasted only for a moment, because our eyes were eventually locking together.

"I just need you to look at me when we're like this," I whispered, putting our foreheads together. "This was all I ever needed."

And his eyelids were drooping and lusty, and his heavy breathing was egging me on.

Frantic, I parted his shirt down the middle and slightly off his shoulders, and I let my hair fall on one of my shoulders as he stuck his nose on my neck and inhaled.

His tongue twirled and sucked there, and his fingers were shoving the straps of my dress off me.

He slanted his mouth back to mine, groaning into me every time we thrust together.

"I want you naked." He reached for my bare skin. "God, I want to be inside you."

_Stop._

I had to stop.

But I couldn't stop.

"I…" I clenched my eyes close. "I want you inside me too."

Then all movement halted.

And – "What the hell are you doing out here, Jane?"

* * *

><p>Jane looked like a ghost, standing limply by the bottom of the stairs like that.<p>

"Hey, why aren't you asleep?" Edward stood up and adjusted his pants – groaning in discomfort – and I wanted to hide and die. "What's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you," she mumbled, curling her finger so he would follow as she skipped back up the staircase.

Edward leaned forward and kissed the side of my face, murmuring, "Be right back," as he headed off.

My eyes followed him, and I couldn't help but wonder whether the short physical, emotional connection happened only because I'd been lost in the moment.

Whether _he'd _been lost in the moment.

* * *

><p>I shook my wrist and checked my wristwatch.<p>

For a moment, I debated going home when I heard a big stomp and some yelling upstairs.

I worriedly rushed up the steps and hesitated by the door, pacing.

"I hate him!" I heard a girly voice – Jane, no doubt.

"Christ, Jane, calm down."

"I hate him, I hate him, I _hate_ him! Why don't you understand?"

"I do understand."

"Then why are you keep telling me to learn to like him?"

No answer until – "I don't like him either, you know."

"Really?" Hopeful. "You mean that, right? Right?"

"Yes, I seriously mean it. I hate the bastard."

"Good."

"Now go to sleep, shortie."

"Ted, I'm not a kid anymore."

"Still. Sleep."

"And I don't want you to major in prelaw."

Sigh. Snort. "I'm not gonna."

"But Dad said you should, and you said yes today. That's boring."

"I know, but what would you have said?"

"Oh."

"Exactly."

"Then what are you going to major in?"

"Anything but prelaw."

Giggle. "And Ted? Don't join the soccer team if you don't want to."

No answer.

"You're such a pushover."

"That's not a nice thing to say to your brother." Shifting. "You didn't have to throw your shoe at me."

"I know." Playful. Happy. "So."

"So, what, troublemaker?"

"Is she your girlfriend?"

"No, her name's Bella."

"Oh, come on. I'm not so little anymore. You can tell me."

"Yeah, you've grown a lot over the last five years."

"You too." Pause. "Stop trying to change the subject."

"She's not my girlfriend."

"But you two were having sex."

"Oh, shut up, you. You don't even know the meaning of the word."

Pause. "Tell her thanks, by the way."

"I will."

"Thank God you didn't have to… you know… help me yourself…"

Laugh.

Silence.

"I hate him."

"Jane, you said that a hundred times already. I know. You know. Go to sleep now, okay?" Pause. "Bella and I have some R-rated stuff to do."

Laugh then sudden stop. "I fucking hate him."

"Jane…"

"No, really. He's all they care about. He's the reason why I'm here." Pause. "Dad was supposed to pick me up thirty minutes ago."

Now I was confused.

"Seriously, Ted, Dad forgets about me all the time nowadays. It's Liz this and Liz that, and the baby this and the baby that. It's so annoying!"

"He's already forgotten about me."

"But he's forgetting _me_. I'm his _daughter._" Pause. "Sorry, didn't mean it that way."

"It's okay."

Sudden sniffling. "I want the baby to die."

Oh.

"Don't say that."

"I wish she'd die."

Pause. "I agree."

Sniffling and chuckling. "What if the baby's actually a girl and not a boy? Then I'm going to hate it more."

"It's a boy. Don't worry about that."

"Well, even then, he's going to be so tall when he grows up, and I'm so short. Liz is so tall, and Dad is tall too. Why did Mom have to be short? And he's going to be so smart and beautiful like Liz."

"Mom was smart and beautiful too."

"But what if the baby ends up going to Harvard or something? I'm going to end up flunking college and jobless and –"

"Calm down, shortie. Don't get ahead of yourself."

"But what if he has blonde hair like Liz? Dad won't want me anymore!"

Louder crying.

"Hey, come here." Shifting. "That boy's got nothing on you, okay? I swear, for one, he's not going to be half the athlete you are. Did you see Liz? She was tripping all over the place."

"It's because she's pregnant, genius."

"Regardless. And besides, you're the older one so you have the upper hand." Pause. "Remember, it's us against him."

"But you're going to _college._"

"That doesn't change the fact that I still prefer my bratty sister_._"

Giggle. "Ted, I really missed you."

"Right, you never replied to any of my calls, texts, emails –"

"Okay, okay, sorry!" Hiccup. "I think this is called PMS-ing."

"Well, you should start eating more if you want to beat the baby on the height department."

Silence.

"You have to eat, Jane. Okay?"

"Okay." Whisper. "But Liz is always around, and –"

"I know, I know, and you hate her – and the baby – and you don't feel like eating." Sigh. "I get it."

Silence.

"Who cares about blonde hair anyway?" Edward said confusedly.

"Blonde is pretty. I hate my hair."

"I love you hair. And I prefer brunettes."

"Really?"

"Really."

Sniffling stopped. "Is that why you like Bella?"

Groan. "Just go to sleep already."

* * *

><p>By the time Edward was jogging down the stairs, I was by the fireplace again and studying the collection of photos.<p>

His arm snaked around my waist like it was the most natural thing.

And maybe it was.

"Sorry it took so long." Stepping closer behind me, he stuck his chin on my shoulder and stacked his other arm on top of one that was already in place. "So where were we?"

I let out a shuddering sigh and escaped from his grasp.

I situated myself on the layers of blanket.

"I've missed you." He sat down too. "Come close."

"I don't know if I can." My vision was blurry, but for once, it was because I was zoning out and couldn't zone back into what was happening. "It's all too clear, and we – I – have to put a stop to this loop. I wish I knew how."

Regardless, this guy always took what he wanted.

"Edward. We can't keep doing this. Damn it. You're driving me nuts."

"Stop saying that." He sighed. "It was never over, and you know it."

But now wasn't the time to make up.

Now was the time I had to start pushing our memories to the dusty corner of my mind and to hope they would stay there, locked in, permanently.

I told him all this, but Edward simply leaned close and kissed my mouth.

Ridiculous. No matter how close we were, it was never close enough.

"I just want you to know one thing." His words reflected his deadpan. "I've already told you this, but trust me when I say that all I ever did and said was because…" He let out a self-deprecating scoff, and his eyes closed a little, eyelashes drawing downward. "It was because I didn't want to lose you."

The fire beside us continued to crackle, filling in the silence.

"But look at what that's done, huh?" He was grinning so widely that it was contradicting everything.

Three weeks.

Less than twenty-one days.

And gone.

I grabbed the lapels of his shirt and made our lips mold together.

Then I was unbuttoning his shirt, and his chest was still the most incredible thing ever.

I had never been this physically aggressive with him before, and Edward had never been this hesitant.

I sighed loudly and eyed him. "Great. Now that _I_ want sex, _you're_ going to deny me? I thought you wanted me, just minutes ago."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because at this point, there will never be anything more than this anyway." My smile was slightly watery. "Am I wrong?"

And I kissed him again, all sad and desperate and hopeful and in-love.

He felt it.

"We should slow down." Edward panted, sliding a dress strap down my shoulder, arm, and wrist. "Damn it, we really should."

He was nowhere close to slowing down, and I wasn't going to tell him to stop tonight.

He impatiently stretched the fabric on my chest down to my stomach, sweeping his hands over my hipbones, and dipping his fingers beneath the skirt between my spread legs. I leaned away, gasping, but he kept tilting forward and bringing me back into a kiss that kept me from breathing.

Everything after that happened fast.

It felt like everything was spiraling down and floating away at the same time.

Either way, it felt out of control.

I closed my eyes as he stuck his middle finger inside me and shoved it in and out.

So drenched.

"Slower," I begged when he got too rough. I kept squirming, but he didn't take any of that and easily plunged the rest of his hand down my underwear. "Edward, too hard."

"Can't help it," he whispered. "I'm giving you want you want."

As I moaned, he turned me over, slid my bottom flush on his lap, and ran a finger over my bare breast. His hand slinked back down to stomach and finally my center, and rubbed me there again.

"Edward," I moaned in mainly pleasure and slight pain, and he kept going, nestling his nose in my neck, all breathless and sexy.

He crooned repeatedly into my ear, and made his fingers go in and out, in and out, until I was holding onto his neck and shoving myself to his chest.

Soon, I was whining and griping. I writhed, but he was merciless. He drowned my gasps in relentless kisses and rolled his wrist even faster in a punishing rhythm.

"More, Bella," was all he said, watching me.

Then I relaxed.

He slowly shoved my underwear aside. When he pulled his fingers out, they were wet, sticky, and milky white, and I was red in the face.

"You liked it?" he asked me.

My gaze went straight to his crotch. "I can return the favor."

Our kisses slowed and then stopped altogether.

"Is this okay?" I indicated my fingers inappropriately roaming over his stomach.

I'd missed how his eyes always shifted so they could look at my eyes one at a time.

His nose was barely touching the tip of mine, and for some reason, this moment felt more intimate than any other tonight.

He cocked his head to the side, perfectly poised for another kiss but not close enough to completely make it.

"Yes," he whispered before closing the distance.

And I just wanted him to kiss me, breath me, touch me, and tell me that he loved me.

And I wanted to tell him that I missed him, needed him, and wanted him because I'd already told him that I loved him.

* * *

><p>In the end, he never let me put my mouth on him, and we didn't have sex.<p>

It was just me, drenched and sated, and him, hard and simply giving.

"Sleep with me."

I smiled a little deliriously into his neck. "There's no futon."

"Here, then."

"On the floor?"

"Why not?"

This was love. Just some stupid love.

But that was why it was love.

But where did I draw the line?

"I bet you can't leave me." He was smiling, and I could feel the rise of his cheeks on my collarbone. "I won't let you."

"I want you to make me stay," I whispered.

His hand closed around the side of stomach.

"Is your dad coming any time soon?"

He shook his head.

I smiled weakly.

"Bella, I have a question."

"You can ask me anything."

"You're not going out with RJ, are you?"

The oddest kind of cold guilt trickled inside me, and I must have stayed silent for a beat longer than normal because he jumped me and bound my wrists to the floor.

"Are you?" he asked again, eyes serious.

And for some reason, I lied.

"No, I'm not seeing him," I said.

His face softened, and it was me who was tackling him to the ground this time.

Next thing I knew, we were quietly laughing to ourselves as we wrestled each other in just underwear.

Out of breath, I sprawled myself on top of his body and rested my chin on his chest.

Then he rolled over.

He pulled his knees up and ducked his head.

"If you keep up with that, I'm going to end up fucking you so hard, I won't be able to stop. And I don't want to do that. Not tonight." He glimpsed at me, smiling. "You're doing all this on purpose."

I shook my head as he shrouded my body with his dress shirt.

"You're my wet dream, Bella Swan," he teased me, lying down so his head was on my thigh.

His hair was so soft.

"Do you think this is wrong?" I whispered.

"No."

I smirked. "Do you even know what I'm talking about?"

"No, and it doesn't matter. Nothing's wrong."

_Three weeks. Forks. No Edward._

His lips touched mine.

"Did that feel wrong?" he asked me rhetorically before closing his eyes and effectively ending the conversation.

After a while – "I don't want you to go anymore."

His eyes fluttered open.

"That's so messed up." I scoffed at myself and palmed my forehead. "What's wrong with me?"

He brushed a finger beneath my teary eye and whispered, "Angels don't cry."

I managed to laugh a little, and he grinned.

_Your warm hands._

_Sedated gaze._

_Your cologne._

_Sweet, wooden voice._

_Your pretty smile, full of secrets._

I didn't care which.

"Please leave one with me," I whispered and put our foreheads together.

* * *

><p><em>It was three o'clock when Edward Cullen left me a text.<em>

I'm realizing that I'm always a step behind you in everything, and right now, I feel like I'm falling. –Edward

_And that text left me feeling as though someone had thrown a million punches at the most sensitive place in my heart._

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Eek, sorry for the slight lateness (not that I had an updating schedule). Please review!

Sarah


	34. Chapter 33

**CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE**

* * *

><p>It took a lot of boyish whining.<p>

Teasing, good-natured begging.

And repeated groveling.

But Edward finally got a yes.

"You're not going to regret it, Coach."

"I already do," the soccer coach grumbled before tossing a white jersey, navy shorts, and a yellow wristband to the new member to the team. He shot me an annoyed look, and I awkwardly grinned back. "So practice is tomorrow at –"

"Four, right?" Edward caught all the materials with ease and smiled.

"Don't be late."

"You can count on me."

The balding man crossed his arms, and even with that beer belly, he was quite the scary presence.

I cowered behind Edward as the man slid a suspicious glance in my direction.

"Cullen."

"Sir?"

"You know the rules. No dating with the manager."

* * *

><p>Forks High's soccer coach was infamous for his no-dating-with-the-manager policy. The policy really was not taken as a joke, apparently, and I realized that that was probably why none of the girls in the school seemed particularly interested in being the boy's soccer team manager. Any girl would date a soccer player than take care of one like I had to.<p>

But it didn't matter.

Right?

"Edward, are you listening?"

He looked from the kitchen counter to over his shoulder.

"Coach is probably planning on a hell of a conditioning for you tomorrow because you missed all the original try-outs deadline and, you know… so just a heads-up. I'm supposed to fill you in with everything you missed the past two weeks and –" I cautiously slid closer and blinked up at him. "Are you with me?"

The way he began to play with the lapel of my jacket made me hold my breath.

"I'm sorry," he said, "for everything."

He'd never apologized before. Not this way, at least.

I looked off sideways, uncomfortable, as small bits of what happened the other night weakly flashed before my eyes.

Then he drew me up and, as if he'd read my mind, told me he couldn't stop thinking about the way I'd sighed and hung onto him, and how he wanted me like that all over again because he just wanted to make me feel good.

I was all disoriented and confused as he pressed me up against the fridge, but when we kissed, like he said, everything simply wasn't wrong anymore.

"After that other night…" His eyes were so tired. "I can't stop anymore."

We clung to each other, and my cardigan went flying off onto the floor, followed by a lot of other pieces of clothing.

The attraction was undeniable.

I eagerly reached for his shirt, trying to tug it out off his jeans and belt, but he resisted.

"Just wanna focus on you," he murmured before taking his phone off the hook, closing the curtains, turning off the lights, and bringing me onto his lap on the floor against the kitchen counters.

Then he kissed me on the head, breasts, elbows, stomach, and knees.

He touched my lips the last –

Ones up there – "Baby," he whispered.

And another pair down there – "Edward," I moaned.

He was still fully dressed.

When I was spent, sweaty, and heaving, he covered his body with mine and kissed the shell of my ear.

A sob tore through my chest, and I quickly covered my mouth before he noticed.

But he still knew.

"This doesn't feel wrong, does it?" he reminded me softly.

I shook my head, but a stream of tears made its way down the side of my face.

"I just…" I covered my face. "I'm just so stupid."

I quietly hiccupped and cried until I felt like I could hurl. I knew why I was crying, but at the same time, didn't.

He rubbed a hand on my bare stomach as he lay down next to me on the cold, marble floor.

"I got us into this," he said into my hair and smothered my body to his. "I'll get us out. I promise."

* * *

><p>"Bella!"<p>

I stood up from the sideline benches. "Yes, I'm here."

Coach gestured me over with a jerk of his head. "I need a hand with Cullen."

I approached the other corner of the field, ducking balls and smelly boys including Mike and Emmett, and tentatively dropped myself beside the lying body of Edward Cullen.

The entire time, Edward watched me so intensely that I didn't know where to put _my _eyes. I was more than sure that Coach noticed this.

"To begin with," said Coach, "a thousand sit-ups. Now, Bella, you keep watch. Welcome back to the team, son."

Coach walked off, and Edward seemed totally unfazed with the assignment as he pulled his shoelaces into a tighter knot.

Palms behind him, he sighed loudly and smirked. "Ready?"

"What?"

He blinked down at his feet.

"Oh." All perturbed and flustered, I pressed my hands on top of them and shifted my weight there. "Got it."

"You count."

I looked down at his bent knees and nodded.

The first hundred, he didn't break a sweat.

"So," he said conversationally.

I refused to look up. "So what?"

"Why weren't you speaking to me all day?"

"There was nothing to talk about."

"Wrong." His lips were at my ear as he sat up, and then gone as he lay down. "Plenty to talk about."

I tried not to think about yesterday, his mouth, the wetness that dripped down his chin, or his fingers, and failed.

"You're thinking about it too, aren't you?" he whispered.

"No," I lied and squirmed.

He laughed a little.

I called it out when we reached four hundred.

"Goddamn," he said lowly, although he didn't slow down, "that burns."

I pushed his feet farther into the ground.

And with the next fifty, he began to grunt as he forced himself up.

His ragged breaths were at my ear every single time, and each little groan strangely reminded me of the way he sounded when he was inside me.

I bit my lip.

He was out of breath. "What's making you blush?"

I looked up and was stunned to silence as our eyes, so close, connected.

And just like that, with a mischievous grin, he lay back down.

Each time he came up, his eyes bored into mine.

"You're so pretty," he said at one point, so nonchalant and witless, as he winced and smiled at the same time.

I resisted even the smallest peek in his direction from then on, and at last breathed out, "One thousand," before rushing back to the sideline where I belonged.

* * *

><p>"What are you thinking?"<p>

Edward asked me this question very softly, two of his fingers rising to pinch my cheek.

I lifted the clipboard to my chest and sighed. "Some… things. Why?"

"Just curious." He shrugged, eyes not leaving my face as he leaned forward on his knees and grinned widely. "And wondering why you weren't looking in my direction more."

Oh, I wholeheartedly understood what all the fuss was about – Edward looking all handsome and sweaty and athletic in his soccer uniform and playing.

"I'm trying to resist," I admitted.

"I have a funny feeling that you're joking."

"I'm not." My hold around the clipboard tightened. "It's harder than you think."

"Really." He was closer now, lips curving upward.

"Really." I swallowed. "And it's not like _you_ were looking in my direction –"

He stole a deep kiss in the shortest second.

I jumped and looked around, in search of any witnesses.

"Don't do that!" I shoved him gently on the chest. "You're going to get caught!"

He ignored me and backed away as a soccer ball hit his heel. "And you think it's easy for me to stay away?"

I smiled softly. "I was thinking about you."

He faltered a bit, and so I said the words again, perhaps a bit cheekily.

Then he was amused. "You know what I was thinking?"

"What were you thinking?"

He retraced his steps and explained, in great detail, exactly how I looked when he had his fingers inside me and how he would really like to have me again in the boys' locker room.

He had quite the dirty mind.

"You could have just said kiss," I whispered.

"That was a close second." He blinked and then grinned, leaning closer and bracing his arms on the metal bar behind me. "I wouldn't object to one right now, by the way."

I shyly shoved him on the shoulder. "Go away."

"I wish I could."

My heart soared.

* * *

><p>I distributed a bottle of sports drink to each player, and they all gobbled it down as soon as they managed to twist the lid open.<p>

Emmett McCarty wormed his way backward to where I was sitting and peeked over at the paper in my hands.

"Nuh uh." I hid it in my chest. "Not for your eyes."

He pouted, and I gave him an apologetic look.

"Coach will have my head." I cringed as the exact man slid by us and gave me an approving nod. "See?"

Emmett latched an elbow on his bent knee and nodded, now watching as his best friend ran the perimeters. "Cullen! How many more laps?"

Breathless, Edward rounded a corner. "Don't ask!"

"How many laps?" Emmett turned to me, smirking. "Bella?"

"I don't know, but Coach said ten miles. He's probably on his seventh…"

"Ooh, that's what you get for trying out late!" Seth Clearwater guffawed. "Good luck on the rest, bastard!"

Edward shrugged out of his sweaty uniform and chucked it at Seth's head just as he reached our sideline.

"So why did he decide to join the team all of a sudden?" Emmett. "Do you know?"

I watched as Edward sneakily cut a corner. Coach didn't notice, and I smirked.

"Hello?" Emmett waved a hand in front of me. "Bella?"

I jumped. "His dad wants him to join, even if it's just for a couple of weeks. I'm not too sure though."

"His dad?" Emmett frowned a little. "Edward's going through a hell of a trouble to please Mr. Masen. I wonder why he couldn't have done the same to please you."

Coach blew his whistle from the middle of the field. "Let's cool down, gents! To the center – stretch those calves. Cullen, you keep running."

Emmett chuckled, and standing up with a pained groan, he joined the team on the way back to the field.

"Emmett," I weakly called after him before the moment was lost, "what are you trying to say?"

"I don't know, Bella," he said with a half shrug. "I just want you to be happy."

* * *

><p>Edward, even being in an awkward position and trying out for the team a few weeks too late, defied Coach's orders and insisted that he cool down next to me.<p>

Mike looked at me strangely, and Emmett didn't look at me at all; they, along with the team, zipped by me and headed straight for the lockers just as Edward completed his tenth mile and crashed on the bench seat next to me.

"Hey."

Nervous, I drew a circle on the stats sheet. "Hi."

This was ridiculous. It was like meeting the cool, blunt Edward Cullen all over again like I had back in the fall.

Edward quietly stretched his knees, glancing at me every so often.

"So you're going to talk to me or what?"

I scribbled another circle and kept silent.

"Is the clipboard more amusing than I am?"

I pursed my lips.

Edward sighed, and before I knew it, he'd stolen the pen and the stack of paper.

He filled in the circle with two dots and an upward curve: a smiley face.

Humored, I finally gave him my attention. Poking my tongue out, I drew a patch of hair on the head.

Then he made the smiling lips plump.

A laugh under my breath, I scribbled a stick-figured body underneath the face.

He enhanced the legs and arms.

I drew in a pair of shoes.

He inserted a bra and panties.

I slammed the hard side of the clipboard onto his head, to which he laughed.

"Edward!"

Edward looked up. "Sir?"

"Hurry up and collect all the equipment before the rain ruins them, will ya?" Coach's eyes narrowed from afar. "And stop flirting with the manager; you're scaring her off, and I actually like this girl."

"I like her too," Edward shouted as he ran off.

He was too irresistible.

Just as I was finishing the paperwork, Edward came heading back in my direction, now with two nets full of soccer balls hauled over his shoulders.

"Here, let me help," I said.

He shook his head, smiling. "I got it."

He was still topless as we made our way to the gym storage room, where we deposited all the equipment. His chest and neck muscles flexed as he moved, and I tried to look off at the ceiling.

As I reached for the top shelf to push a box all the way in, Edward interceded and did it himself.

I gulped as his chest brushed against my body.

And I didn't miss how Coach gave us another warning look.

The gym doors squeaked shut behind him, leaving us in the remote darkness and silence. Then –

"Do you want to –" he and I said at the same time.

We froze and then began to talk over each other all over again.

"You first."

I shook my head. "No, you go."

"Do you want to grab something at the diner? I'm starving."

A smile found my lips. "I could – …"

"You could what?"

I breathed deeply. "I could cook you something at home. Do you want to come over to my house?"

Slowly, his eyebrow arched… but so did his mouth.

"Well, no pressure," I began awkwardly, "only if you want to –"

"What did you have in mind?"

* * *

><p>"What do you want to eat?" I pulled my sleeves to my elbows and ran the water over my hands. "Anything you want."<p>

Edward's eyes flashed, amused, glazed. "Anything I want?"

I cleared my throat. "Within reason."

He shrugged. "Anything _you _want, then."

"I'm not really hungry." I opened the fridge and scratched my face. "Hmm."

"Why did you invite me, Bella?"

He was playing with the napkins, shredding them into long pieces.

_I have no idea. _"You've had crappy lunch for weeks now."

From his stool, he shrugged again. "That's because there's no need to grocery shop anymore, now that I'm leaving."

A long silence fell over us.

"So," I began brightly, turning away and searching for pans already, "pasta? Beef stew? Chicken steak?"

"Bella."

"Charlie's taking the night patrol, so –"

"I want to talk to you."

I intentionally clanked the metal handle on the stove, effectively drowning his voice.

"Edward."

"Bella."

"I really hope you can get us out of this. You promised."

Arms spread wide on the chairs beside his, he gaped at the ceiling for a long time.

"I know, Bella," he said finally. "I promised."

Feeling wan, I hunched over the cold stove. I stayed like that, with the heel of my palm on my forehead, until I felt his hand ghost over my hip and waist.

"You should go shower while I cook." I put on a smile and pulled away. "You can use my restroom."

He laughed aloud, lifting his shirt and sniffing himself. "Okay, that was subtle."

I rolled my eyes. "You'll find the towels in the cabinets."

"Okay."

The wooden floor creaked as he walked away.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Wanna join me?"

I sighed, loving how he was flirting with me and hating how this was not going to last.

"No thank you."

He snickered. "Your loss."

It was a hard line to walk.

* * *

><p>Edward flipped on the discovery channel as I slipped onto the empty seat beside him.<p>

He was watching me, then, as I placed the plate, which I brought from the kitchen, on my lap.

Spreading some cream cheese on a cracker, I passed it to him.

He grinned widely and opened his mouth.

I popped it in.

He continued to watch me, chewing slowly.

"What?" I whispered.

He eyed the cream cheese with slight amusement. "I shouldn't be eating this during soccer season."

I put down the butter knife. "Oh."

"No, I want more." He opened his mouth, waiting, eyes shining. "I'll take whatever you give me."

And I popped in a second one.

He chewed obnoxiously – on purpose – and slipped his body downward so his head was across my lap.

We kept the television volume on low.

Raising an eyebrow, I offered him a third cracker, but he redirected it toward my mouth.

I hesitantly bit into it.

His voice, so soft. "I missed this."

His fingers found my face, removing the sliver of white cream off my bottom lip, and his hand felt so big and powerful on my skin.

And I felt so fragile and at a loss.

"Thanks for the good meal, by the way."

He was slowly driving me to the end of sanity.

"You're welcome."

His hand played with the fringes of my curly hair, and I had to concentrate to keep my feelings for him at bay.

Edward turned his face to kiss my knee. "Do you feel it?"

"Feel what?"

His blank gaze went focused, and it was his eyes that were speaking.

"Can I have you?" he whispered at last.

He sort of propped himself upward and tried to close the distance between us, but maybe he sensed my hesitance.

I felt as though everything would shatter into nothing if I breathed too deeply.

Now I thought of it, Edward had always given me options, only when it was truly the time to choose, he took all of them away.

I hated how he left me with no option in the end, but I hated it more when he did give me some; his options were always ruthless, and he always had ulterior motives.

The plate tinkled as Edward roughly shoved it on the floor, and I suddenly didn't know how he came to crawl over me.

He pressed down on me, all warm and dominating, and I couldn't do anything but feel as his nose skimmed down my jaw and neck.

His face was too close, and I was crawling back, stunned and even a bit scared.

His eyes darted between the two of mine, regarding me, as if he'd sensed it.

"You can have _me_, you know," he mumbled slowly.

I couldn't maintain the eye contact even if I wanted.

"I can?" I sounded like a bewildered child. "I can have you?"

And then he bent and kissed my cheek.

I didn't see that coming.

"That's what you want, right?" was his answer.

"But I don't want to be your second best anymore." I stared blankly upward as his lips traveled up and down my throat and to my heaving chest. It felt like a dream. "I just want you all for myself. What do you think about that? I can have you even then?"

"Even then."

In the dark room and through the filter of the thin layer of tears, I saw the lights from the television dance on the ceiling. I felt lightheaded.

Part of me didn't believe him. Part of me did.

I just didn't know anymore.

"Okay." It was just a whisper. "Edward, can you be mine?"

A sigh fell from his lips. "As you wish."

* * *

><p>Our lips smashed together endlessly.<p>

"You do want this," he said breathlessly, "right?"

I simply opened my mouth, and our tongues were touching.

"Would you please stop trying to take your clothes off?" He put his weight off my body, arms barring the sides of my face, as he dug his face into my chest. "You shouldn't be letting me, damn it."

I began to laugh.

"Yeah? What's so funny?"

I covered my face, still laughing.

This guy, who only ever wanted to be in my pants, was withholding sex?

How could I not find it funny?

So I fused our mouths together, squishing them so tightly that neither of us could breathe.

"Just let me have it my way for once." I placed his hand on the buttons of my shirt. "At least tonight."

He cussed, face tucked in my neck and hand climbing toward my breast. "You're sure Charlie's not going to barge in any time soon?"

"Positive."

"Thank God."

Our teeth clacked when we kissed.

"Okay," he said, now laughing with me, "we have to be serious now."

Our eyes connected, and so did our foreheads.

"Okay." I bit my lip. "I can be serious."

Face and nose buried in my hair, he, one by one, unbuttoned my blouse, and I lay still as his fingers twitched and moved down my body.

He flipped one lapel aside and ran a thumb over my nipple.

Then he flipped the other lapel and did the same.

He had no problem popping my bra clasp open and tugging the straps down my shoulders, and I was suddenly still wearing my clothes but not wearing them.

He palmed me hard and soft. "Do you like that?"

I spread my legs and wrapped them around his waist.

I could feel his smile on my neck.

"Can you undress the rest of me?" I blushed a little, slipping a hand between the buttons of his shirt and finding his warm chest. "Please?"

He backed away and pulled my skinny jeans and underwear down my legs, socks off my feet, and my top and bra off my shoulders.

"Better?"

I lay beneath him in nothing and arched my shoulder into the sofa, smiling lazily at the way the cold leather touched my heated skin. "Much."

He watched me squirm, while I watched him pull the shirt over his head.

His belt buckle jingled as he slipped the leather out of the loops.

I reached out to touch him through the cotton of his underwear, placing a finger on the wet patch.

It was hard. Big. Wet.

My face was on fire.

Edward groaned and pushed his hips to me.

Then he surged his entire top body forward, breathless, and grinned at me. "Look what you've done."

His smile disappeared as soon as my hand dug below the fabric and held him.

Looking at his strained expression, I slid downward and urged him to slide upward. I shoved his boxers down his thighs and knees and took his erection in my mouth.

He cussed loudly.

I backed away immediately. "Did I do something wrong?"

He simply placed a hand behind my neck and quietly told me to open my mouth again, and I took him in once more.

I bobbed my head and neck up and down to keep him sliding in and out between my lips, and even though this was the second time, it felt like the first.

I tried to keep the tip from hitting the back of my throat, in fear of gagging, and I hoped he was okay with that.

Suddenly, then, our bodies were shifting, and I was hovering over him.

He gently pushed my hair back and held a bunch in his hand, murmuring dirty, candid things to me under his breath.

The sexy way he commanded me with just one heavy-lidded look, miniscule rise and fall of his hips, and dominating hold around my neck as he guided me up and down, made me want him more.

His eyes lingered on my mouth, and each time I looked at him, he groaned.

His hips lifted and fell more quickly with each second, and when he groaned, "Jesus, can you go faster, Bella?" I had to squeeze my thighs together and tried to do as he told me.

I loved how out of control he became.

He was a cold person but a fierce lover.

"Oh, God, Bella," he moaned my name over and over, mouth falling open, as he begged me to take _all _of him.

His eyes went alive when he came, and this time, he did not make a mess on my face.

I scowled and swallowed it all in one big gulp.

"Cream cheese," he teased, and his finger touched the white fluid escaping the corner of my mouth.

"Doesn't taste like it." I coughed a bit. "Nope, not at all."

Then he was on his knees before the sofa, roughly yanking my legs off and pushing them apart.

I gasped and twisted as his tongue swirled and licked against the wetness, and his eyes were so intense and strong.

This guy was an animal.

Then he threw me to the side so I was stooped on my belly, and he began to lap at me that way.

It was insane.

So insane because his fingers were rocking in and out of me too, and his nose was digging so far into me that I could almost feel his cheeks.

He let me come, but before I could catch my breath, he flipped me over again and pressed our bodies together.

He was hard again already as he stuck his thumb inside my mouth and demanded me to suck it. I did, swimming in lust, and he groaned, dragging his thumb down my lip and chin.

His eyes, wilder than ever, stared into mine, and they were searing.

My body was sweaty, and so was his, our hips rubbing together in a rhythmic grind.

"I don't have a condom," I whispered up at him.

But I was aching between my legs and wanted nothing more but for him to drive into me already.

He kissed me greedily and desperately, and it felt like we were never close enough. I was doused with his sweat dripping down his chest to mine, and the taste of him still lingering in my mouth.

His head poked in and out of me repeatedly, and I was done.

"Edward, just – I just need you in me. So bad."

He was done with this, too, it seemed.

He cussed under his breath and slammed into me with one sharp thrust.

"I don't know what I'm doing," he said in a daze, but continuously pumped in and out.

I moaned. "I don't either."

"I swear I'll pull out when I come." He drove in quicker, holding my gaze with his lustful one. "I swear, but God, you're tighter than I remember, and I can't even move like I want to."

Each swift stroke had me whispering, "Yes," in his ear, while he moaned my name over and over.

He was so good, but I needed more.

"Faster," I told him, and he sped up.

He coaxed me, lips to lips, and connected our hands so they connected to where he glided in and out of me below.

We were so drenched that it made me blush.

By the time we were coming, gone were the steady slaps, and he was just thrusting in abandon.

"Bella, let me go." Breathless, he touched my calves that were woven around his waist. "I'm going to come."

And I let him do that on my belly.

The second time, he rolled over so I was on top. By then, neither of us knew what was our perspiration and what was our arousal.

And I didn't want him to leave me. I wanted him to want me and need me.

"Ride me good." His eyes closed languidly. "God, that's good."

He was buried to the hilt, and every time I thought I couldn't possibly ride him faster, he proved me wrong as he pistoled back into me endlessly.

I writhed and rotated my hips, wincing when he hit too deep, but Edward seemed completely entranced over the way the dancing curtains across from us casted a cool shadow on my stomach.

Yeah, it felt like a dream when he whispered in my ear that I could have him in any way I wanted.

But if he really, truly meant that, it was a wake up call.

He was never mine to lose.

Now he was.

* * *

><p>I was completely wrapped in naked, smooth warmth when I woke up in the middle of the night.<p>

I smiled when I noticed that Edward was sleeping, for once, and I ran the pads of my thumbs over the bruises under his eyes.

As I registered the squishy wetness between my thighs, I was reminded of the blurry, messy sex.

He was so beautiful, this boy with the heartbreaking smile, and he said he was mine now.

Had he really fallen in love with me?

I fiercely shoved my face to his chest, and even though he wasn't awake, he brought me, more snug, in his arms.

I decided to slip back into slumber, because none of it made sense.

All felt unreal.

* * *

><p>I watched from the staff area as Alice waved Edward over to the sideline.<p>

She talked animatedly, flapping her arms, and he laughed with all his teeth and stomach – even ground a palm into her head.

The little girl got more excited after that, eyes sparkling and everything, until Coach had to eventually chastise Alice for interrupting practice and tow Edward back to the field.

* * *

><p>I yelped as someone tickled my sides.<p>

"Hello." Edward smiled down at me and coyly ran a hand down somewhere a little lower than my hip. "Missed me?"

Yes. "Maybe."

He looked so sly. "I wish we were alone, not in public – you know what I mean?"

I responded with a shy smile, but it died as soon as Alice Hale skipped down the steps and handed him an energy drink.

"Thanks, Ally."

"Anything for you, Edward," she cooed.

Frowning, I tugged on his arm.

He glimpsed down in my direction and led me a few feet down the field.

"Bella," he mumbled, "don't get too close when Alice is around, okay?"

And with that, he returned to the girl and left me confused.

* * *

><p>Edward led the team out the field gates and toward the locker rooms.<p>

"Bring the paperwork over, will ya, Swan? And lock the gates!" Coach hollered from the top of the stairs before chasing after the team.

And I carried the folders beneath my arm, desperately trying to ignore how Alice's eyes followed me as I hovered over the staff desk.

"Are you going to keep staring at me or what?" I tried to control the glare. "Alice?"

Her eyes were steely gray, and they chilled.

I sighed, weary. "What, did you want to say something?"

"As a matter of fact, yes." Her tone matched her stare. "I think you're being a distraction to Edward."

My jaw clenched. "Speak for yourself."

And everything happened very quickly after that.

Alice reached below the table and unscrewed the cork of the water container, letting the steamy hot water inside flow out.

She stuck two fingers beneath it.

I stood, in shock, as she screamed.

In that moment, Edward came running down the stairs and through the gates.

Then Alice cried and sniffled.

She told Edward she was okay.

But then looked at me and said, "It's okay, Edward. I'm sure Bella didn't mean to do that on purpose."

* * *

><p>I was in shock as Edward bandaged Alice's hand at the Nurse's office.<p>

Something like this had happened before.

Long time ago.

When Alice Hale had fainted during a timed run.

Had she feigned that too?

* * *

><p>I wasn't even sure if the boys' locker room was empty, but I followed Edward in.<p>

He hadn't given me a glance since he'd come rushing back into the field.

"Edward," I whispered brokenly.

No answer.

He kept walking.

"Edward." My voice was shaky. "Please, listen to me."

He cracked open the locker and undid his cleats, violently throwing them on the bench.

"I… I didn't do it." I balled my fists at my sides. I would not cry. I would not. "I swear –"

"Bella." He looked at me. "I know."

All breath escaped me.

The anger in him diminished.

"I know." He stripped and threw his uniform on the bench. He placed his hands on his hips and gazed emotionlessly at the muddy floor. "That's why I told you to stay away when she's around."

* * *

><p>"The kid's liked me since forever, not that it matters."<p>

I nodded numbly.

The pieces of the puzzle were coming together.

Was it too late?

Edward gently nudged my arm. "It's just a crush, though."

_You were my crush too._

I sat in front of him, held his hands, and brought them closer to my neck. I closed my eyes for a second, breathing in and out, and scoffed a little.

I would not cry.

I would not cry.

I would not.

I felt his thumbs drawing circles on my wrists. "Why do you have to open up now?"

His eyes paled.

"Why are you opening up when I'm the one closing off now? Why _are_ you always a step behind me? Why couldn't you have fallen for me when I fell for you?"

I'd never felt more insecure about myself in my life.

My wooden eyes settled on his stomach as I brought his palms on my shoulders beneath my shirt.

Edward's face was unreadable.

"Will you?" I whispered.

"I don't know."

But his fingers were already sliding up and down my bra strap.

Even in the dimness, I recognized the uncharacteristically unsure look on his face as he watched me unbutton my shirt down the middle.

One by one.

This time, I guided his hands so they peeled the shirt off me.

"Will you now?" I asked again.

His darkened eyes never moved away from my exposed skin. "We might get caught."

"We won't."

"Someone can walk in any second."

"Let them see."

He stepped closer as I touched his navel and gym shorts. "Okay."

"Hurry," I whispered as I pulled him by the waist and made him bury his face in my chest.

With a moan, he dove in for a passionate kiss, hands on both sides of my face.

"Shhh, Bella, shhh." He covered my mouth when I came. "Quiet."

And he pounded into me relentlessly.

We never, ever went slow.

* * *

><p>The first home game – and the only game – Edward was set to play in was scheduled for the week before his departure.<p>

The week leading up to the game was spent with a lot of sex and laughs.

There was no Royce and just a bit of Mike and Emmett.

I avoided looking at calendars or agendas or dates at all costs.

We avoided talking about Mr. Masen, Alice, Charlie, and Rosalie.

I never once mentioned about a long-distance relationship, because he was not my boyfriend and I wasn't his girlfriend.

For the first time since I met Edward Cullen, I liked that he was pretending and wished that he would never stop.

* * *

><p>Maldives.<p>

Edward was going to head to Maldives first before settling down in Illinois, because spring break was approaching anyway and Mr. Masen thought it be best if the vacation spanned longer than just a week.

Sometimes, I wished Edward and I'd never made up. But then again, I doubted that would have made this any bit easier.

"Maldives?" Emmett scowled. "But you're dead scared of the water, bro. What are you supposed to do when you're there, then?"

Edward shrugged, bouncing the soccer ball on his knee and heel.

"Whose idea was it?"

Bounce. Bounce. "Dad's."

Emmett glimpsed over at Mike, who'd had his arms crossed for a while.

Bounce.

Bounce.

Kick.

Mike caught the ball with his foot.

"Spit it out, Newton, before it gets to your head in the middle of the game next week." Edward eyed him coolly. "Do you have a problem with me?"

"Maybe." Mike shook his head, somewhat miserably and tauntingly at the same time. "The fact that you don't know you got a problem is your problem."

Something had shifted between these two – something so subtle but obvious at the same time.

Although I knew that interceding equated to admitting that I'd been eavesdropping, I put myself between the two boys as they got close to grabbing each other's collars.

"Emmett." I peered over my shoulder as I pushed Edward on the chest. "Give me a hand."

Emmett looked at me then at his shoes, doing nothing, and I was shocked still until Coach had to step in.

The man assigned Edward and Mike a timed mile run after practice for punishment.

Edward and Mike came out of it, again, with a near fistfight.

* * *

><p>"I hear you're leaving in a week, Edward." Lauren Mallory, the host to the pep rally, spoke into the microphone. "Is that correct?"<p>

My breath caught as Edward's eyes spotted me.

"Yes," he answered, eyes only, _only _on me.

The crowd jokingly wept and let out a "boo."

Then I laughed with the whole student body as the cheerleader captain pied Edward in the face and gave him a friendly embrace.

Eyes closed and crinkled, Edward smiled, like an angel, at his feet.

Somewhere deep in my chest, it ached.

He was staring right at me the entire time he did a little farewell speech, and I was chuckling all the way through because he sounded bored out of his mind; his grin was small and all for me, and it made him look young and free.

I wondered if he knew – that his words made my heart race and made it sink – and that with each passing day, they made it sink more than they made it race.

* * *

><p>Edward was on a roll as he managed a spectacular goal.<p>

The opposing team, warming up by their side of the field, was definitely giving him a nervous, worried glance.

Edward sped down the field before circling and stopping by me.

"Are you acting like you're ignoring me, or are you really oblivious?"

"Go Spartans?" I tried weakly.

His mouth, twitching at the edges, touched the corner of my lips.

"Score," he whispered.

That made me blush.

He cracked a grin. "My only talent."

My cheeks were burning now. "Maybe not your only."

He stared into my eyes with a sparkle of amusement and something else – something new.

* * *

><p>"Sit still." I cocked my head to the side and smiled, reaching for Edward's face. "Hey, just two more minutes. Almost done."<p>

I finished the brushstrokes on the one side of his face – which was royal blue now – and began with the parts of his neck, which would be gold soon.

"Good luck, by the way, temporary Captain." I brushed the hair at the nape of his neck out of the way. "How are you feeling today? Okay?"

Mr. Masen, Liz, and Jane were coming to watch today, and I didn't know how I thought about that.

Actually, I hoped that I wouldn't bump into them at all.

"I guess." His eyes were extra intense this moment. "You?"

"Me?" I casually dabbed more yellow on the brush. "Do I matter?"

"Yes."

I smothered a grin. "I'm feeling great. Does it tickle –"

"Liar."

I faltered.

His jaw clenched. "You're the liar now."

"Don't."

"But I have to tell you something."

"Don't do this now –"

"I've been pretending, Bella."

"I just want to enjoy this moment –"

His hand plopped down on my thigh. "I'm sorry for everything."

I distinctly remembered those words.

"I'm sorry I made you cry all the time."

I just nodded, quick and short, before rising and dumping the dirtied water down the sewer beside us.

Now, what I wanted wasn't him or his sweet kisses or his impossible love – I just wanted him to loosen his hold on me because that was the right thing.

What was worse – to leave or to be left?

My knees were weak and wobbly, and it took me by surprise when he kissed my mouth.

I loved him so much, and I wanted to tell him again and again that he'd been – and still was – everything I imagined and much more, but didn't have it in me.

I would have gone kissing his half-blue lips forever if only the wolf-whistles did not interrupt.

Just realizing where we were and the people that were probably watching us, I tried to back off, but Edward wouldn't let me leave his arms.

I managed to catch a glimpse of Emmett and Mike, both already face-painted, and the former was teetering on his toes and the latter simply staring at us.

After a few futile attempts, I managed to break off.

"And thanks for making the world a bigger place." He caught my hand before I tried to walk off. "You made me realize that I'm actually not living in a whole different world where only I exist."

I nodded again, stiffly. "You made mine bigger too."

I didn't mention that I didn't care how big mine got – because why would it matter when he wasn't going to be in it?

* * *

><p>The boys did their chants before dispersing and heading toward the field.<p>

"What the heck are you still doing here, Cullen?" Coach looked incredulous. "Go join your team already!"

But Edward was looking straight at me, all forlorn and anxious.

Eyes wide, I quietly urged him as well.

"You're going to stay the entire game, right?" he said quietly.

"Of course." I blinked up at him, trying to sound lighthearted. "It's my duty."

"No, I mean it. You're going to be here when the game's over, right?"

I subtly scanned the audience area, heart pumping so fast, but I didn't find a single trace of the Masen family. They should be arriving soon.

"I promise," I said softly. "Unlike somebody, I don't run or hide. So go. I'll be here."

And taking the promise, he went.

* * *

><p>Edward made a goal, got into a fight with his own teammate – Mike Newton – and earned a yellow card – all in the first third of the game.<p>

My heart galloped every single time he studied the audience.

His face fell every time.

* * *

><p>"Get your goddamn shit together, Cullen!" Coach was furious, pointing fingers. "I cannot believe you let that slip through!"<p>

It was obvious that as the game got closer and closer to an end, Edward was losing his focus.

And during halftime, Edward was on the phone and texting.

He gave me a weak smile when our eyes met.

But something was amiss.

* * *

><p>The game ended with a bang as Edward made the last goal.<p>

The crowd went wild.

Our team hugged their captain and congratulated him, laughing and celebrating.

His eyes were far away, though, as he walked limply back to the benches.

Edward Masen never made it to the game.

* * *

><p>"Nice job, Edward!"<p>

"That was one killer kick, man."

"Dude, you have to teach me that before you leave."

Coach harrumphed. "It's good that you made up for that slip."

People got him in a headlock, ribbed him, jumped him.

Cheerleaders kissed his cheek and hugged him.

He was showered with compliments and praises from the school faculty.

I watched all this from afar.

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

I excused myself and started toward the parking lot, and plugged my left ear as I put up the phone on my right.

"Hello?"

"Bella?"

"Oh! Mr. Masen! Thank God! Edward's looking for you –"

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I'm terribly busy at the moment so I'll have to talk this through very quickly. Will you please tell Edward that he and I won't be moving in together anymore? Some things came up, and Edward never wanted to move in with me in the first place, I believe… Bella? Do I still have you? Bella?"

"What? But – But what about Chicago? What about Edward? What happens to –"

"That's all cancelled naturally – I really have to run now. Thank you for doing this. Bye."

The line went dead.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE<strong>**: **Whew, long chapter! And yeah… I know the pull-out method isn't the best resort, but what else can you do when you don't have a condom and really want to have sex, right? *shrug*

Anyway, so what do you think will happen now? I'm, for some reason, extremely nervous about this chapter. Leave me some love, and hit me with your guesses! ;)


	35. Chapter 34

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR**

* * *

><p>Edward knew.<p>

I could tell.

He just _knew._

And I'd been a clueless idiot.

His father had me fooled.

I should have known – there had been so many clues all along. The man had cut Edward off so easily. He didn't know what Edward liked and disliked. He'd planned everything according to his schedule only – had Edward signed out of school all the time to meet him.

And he'd dropped the bomb on me over the phone.

One call.

That was it.

And to think that _I'd _forced Edward to –

"Open your mouth."

I tried to calm my breathing as I faced Mike; he was holding a bowl of nachos.

"Come on. Why the long face? It's bonfire night!" He smiled a little and held up one cheesy nacho close to my face. "Open up."

I shook my head.

Sighing, he took a bite himself.

I sneaked a sad smile. "You're actually talking to me again."

He shrugged.

"Why were you mad at me?"

"I have no idea." He nodded at the nachos again. "Now, for real. I don't have cooties."

And I was suddenly laughing and tearing up at the same time.

I saw the flames from the bonfire swimming in his eyes, and a strange look crossed his face.

"You're a crybaby, aren't you?" he asked softly.

"I know, right?" I ducked my head, still doing the whole laughing and sniffing at the same time. "What's wrong with me? Forks is doing strange things to me."

"I don't think it's Forks doing that."

I swallowed the lump in my throat as he sat down.

"I can be a listener when you need me." He slid a glimpse in my direction. "You know that, right?"

I took in a shuddering breath and gathered my cold hands together. "I made a mistake."

"Want to talk about it?"

I looked down guiltily, buying time until I realized that I couldn't stay silent forever.

"Mike, I don't think Edward's going to leave for Chicago. His father… backed out."

The fire in front of us crackled, and the rolling waves roared as they hit the beach shore. So many people were laughing and eating, and I felt like I was in a whole different world.

"Mr. Masen did something like this last year too, you know."

"What?" I whispered harshly. "Something like this – _what_?"

Mike poked a tongue on his cheek, deep in thought. "Edward was going to move in with him during winter of junior year. The plan… fell through that time too; his father broke it off last minute."

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" My voice rose, and although I knew it wasn't fair that I was screaming at him, I couldn't help it. "Why am I always kept in the dark? Why didn't –"

"_Did you look into that man's eyes, Bella?"_

Alice.

She knew.

She _knew _all along.

"Bella?" A hand landed on my shoulder, shaking me. "Bella, are you all right?"

I weakly twisted away from the touch.

What have I done?

* * *

><p>"Bella. Stop beating your head against the wall. It's not your fault."<p>

"But it is."

"It's not. You couldn't have known. It was all before you."

I covered my eyes and shook my head.

Mike sighed, tapping his foot on the sand below.

"You did what you had to do," he told me.

"I thought I was."

"You had good intentions."

"I did." I searched the area around me, but the darkness was pervading. "I wish I could see Edward now. Where did he go?"

Mike snorted but didn't follow up with any word.

"You and Edward…" he finally said, his voice dropping.

I looked at him curiously.

He patted my knee. "Well, what's done is done."

Silence.

"Thanks," I said at last, although I didn't put much energy into saying it. "You always have the best two cents to offer."

He shrugged one shoulder and stared ahead. "I just hope you never forget that he doesn't own you – that you're your own girl."

A memory stirred, and I stared at his profile, taking in his stubble, baby blue eyes, and nearly white blonde hair.

"I think I have too many boys in my life." I chuckled and scoffed. "What a mess."

He smirked. "I think you're right." Then he pointed at a redhead emerging from Seven Eleven. "Go. Go talk to him."

But I was suddenly frozen to the spot.

Fear.

Mike prodded me gently. "I swear he doesn't blame you for any of this. I can promise you that much."

"Later." I frantically gripped onto Mike's forearm. "I'll do it later."

"Scared?"

Panicked, I looked up at him.

"You know how I see it, Bella? The boys. The mess."

I waited.

"In your life," he said calmly, "right now, there's a boy who's a step behind you… like Edward."

I was stilled to silence, eyes widening.

Mike smirked, as if he knew. "And there's another one who's right beside you… like RJ." He held up a hand when I opened my mouth. "Then there's the guy who revolves around you…" He rolled his eyes. "… like Emmett. Then there's me." He placed the bowl of nachos on my lap, for a moment almost pleading me to eat. "And I'm gonna be the guy who's always a step ahead of you."

A step ahead of me?

"That's it." He looked mischievous – smug, even. "Those are my two cents this time."

* * *

><p>The bonfire was still going strong despite the thin mist in the air, and Coach stood in front of a big group of school faculty and parents as he went on and on about how our team had kicked the season off with a solid win; he explained how this win should push the boys to the next win and so forth.<p>

My palms were sweaty as I watched Edward, who was just a few steps behind Coach.

His head was slightly tipped forward, and his hands were loosely strewn in front of him.

Those glassy eyes never evaded me, and it hurt me that he was hurting.

"So!" Coach's voice was booming, even in the rain. "Time to say goodbye to our honorary captain, yeah, boys?"

My heart was at my throat.

The team started to laugh raucously, looping arms around Edward's neck and grounding fists in his hair. He was motionless, though.

"For those who don't know this strapping young man…"

Coach's voice faded away in my ears.

Then at last – "You'll be missed, Edward Cullen."

Then followed applause.

As Seth Clearwater, newbie to the team, stepped in and handed Edward a special jersey, the latter did the unexpected.

Edward stiffly shrugged the poor freshman boy off and tore through the slightly befuddled crowd toward the beach parking lot.

Coach called after Edward.

People began to whisper amongst themselves.

I noticed Emmett following his friend through the sea of people, but before I knew it, I was blocking the way and placing a palm on his chest.

"Let me go after him." My fingers on his chest curled in. "Please."

Something flashed across his face, and – "Hurry. You'll miss him."

* * *

><p>By the time I reached the parking lot, Edward's car was heading for the exit.<p>

That left me no choice but to tail him.

I held the wheel with one hand, and my phone with the other.

"I'm after him, Coach," I said quietly into the phone. "He's okay. He's…" I bit my lip. "I don't think I'm in the position to say anything, but I'll try to bring him back… Yes, sir… Okay… Thanks… Bye."

Moments later, Edward roughly pulled into his driveway, and he'd barely parked it safely when he climbed out and went into his house.

The lights never came on, and I was scared.

But I was ready now – ready to protect him.

Ready to accept him and his worth.

* * *

><p>For a second, my hand hovered over the light switch.<p>

Breathing deeply, I reached for the lamplight instead, and even that was so bright in the midst of all that was fragile in this room.

The soft light warmed the few feet it was surrounded with, but where Edward sat, crouched and curled in, in the corner of the room, it didn't touch.

I took a step forward. "Hey."

No answer.

No movement.

_I wish I knew how._

The house was dreadfully empty and white and cold, and that only reminded me how close he'd been to moving to Chicago.

And now it had all precipitated to nothing.

All because of me.

Against the wall a good distance away from him, I too sat on the dusty floor and hugged my legs to my chest.

"Why does no one understand?"

My head popped up.

Edward's eyes peeked over his arms, straight over so they were cast toward the other side of the room, and he sounded as dead like he looked.

"I spend all my nights, unable to sleep. I keep thinking, worrying, and dying, and there isn't anyone who knows. No one knows." He sounded dangerous, on the verge of something. "Not even my own parents."

"I'm sorry." I couldn't look at him. "I should have never pushed you. I was rash. I wasn't looking for the right things. I never should have asked you."

His eyes sharply landed on mine, and he looked livid. "I don't need pity. I'm used to being alone. I'm used to all this." His fist pounded once on the wall beside him as he stood. "I don't need anyone in my life. I never did."

I felt so feeble and powerless.

Before he could walk off, I snatched his wrist into my hand, and held it so tightly that my hand quaked.

"Don't go," I said, wide eyes on his legs. "I don't want to see your back to me ever again. I've seen it enough."

His fist clenched.

I swallowed. "And I need you to accept my apology. It's all my fault."

"I said I don't need it! You don't know anything. I told you – I _hate_ it when you act like you do."

I shook my head fiercely. "But you just asked why no one understood, and I'm telling you that I want to be that person who understands. If you'd just –"

"There's no way," he cut it quietly.

"There's no way?"

"No." There was defeat, finality to his tone. "That's the problem. There _is _no way anyone can understand me… because I don't understand me myself."

And I stood up, because this was about us too, and I'd lost him countless times already.

I kept my eyes on his pale neck and hugged him in the middle, face gently on his chest that rose and fell, hands connecting on his back.

His hands stayed limp on his sides.

Broken.

"I just want to be normal, Bella."

"Normal? I don't even know what that is anymore – or what is right or wrong. Who made the rules anyway?"

So why did it matter if Edward Cullen happened at the wrong time?

"You just wait where you are, normal or not." I shoved him closer to my body. "I'll come and get you myself."

I was glowing when I felt his hand brush down my hair.

"I never needed an apology," I heard him say, his chin on the top of my head. "I just needed you here."

* * *

><p>"Lie down on your stomach."<p>

His lips twitched in amusement.

"Please?" I poked his back, laughing. "Just do it!"

With a smile, he did. I quietly climbed on his waist, straddling him, and kneaded the tight muscles on his shoulders.

He groaned. "What are you doing?"

My hands swept over his back and his arms. "You didn't cool down properly today."

Edward remained quiet, his body relaxing and tensing with each pressing of my palms.

I smoothed out his shirt that had ridden up, and returned to his shoulders. "What athlete doesn't cool down after nearly two hours of intense running?"

"Me, apparently." He surprised me by suddenly sitting up. Pulling his shirt over his head and throwing it aside, he lay on his back this time. "Much better." He stared back when I stared. "What are you waiting for?" He patted his stomach. "I thought you were going to give me a massage."

I tried to flip him over, but he smirked and made me sit on his stomach.

He stretched out his arms to the side and closed his eyes. "I'm sore." He lifted his lips, also lifting my body in the process. "Go on."

His eyes were on my face the entire time I kneaded his muscles.

Picking up his arm, I pressed my thumbs from his shoulder to wrist.

I also touched his shoulders, collarbone, arms, and even neck.

"We've never done this before," I murmured, fascinated at the way his muscles rolled when I touched him. "Why haven't we?"

"Because I was too busy doing this to you instead?" His eyes fluttered close as he groaned. "That feels good."

Smiling, I let my hands drift from his neck to all the way down his chest and stomach.

I ran my thumbs over the subtle, soft ridges there, again fascinated.

In a daze, I pushed my hand back up until it rested right on his chest.

"What happens now?" he whispered out of the blue.

I looked up and studied the living room.

"Everything goes back to the way it was?"

"Back to the way it was?" He blinked lazily up at the ceiling. "But how was everything before?"

"I don't know." I curled my fingers in, hesitant, when his strong hand took my wrist. "I always feel lonely without you. My question is… are you?"

He bent his elbow and laid his arm under his neck.

Each tick of the clock seemed to drag.

"I never thought about that because I can't afford to be that way."

Heart beating, desperation growing, I leaned closer to him. "Then think about it now."

His finger tapped on my thigh.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

Then it stopped.

"I don't want to think about it," he told me. "Thinking about it hurts."

"Then tell me exactly that." My hand was still over his heart. "Why can't you let me in for once?"

"What are you talking about?" The corners of his lips went up. "I always let you in too deep."

I tried to absorb what he was saying.

"You know, no one takes me seriously."

"I take you seriously." My eyebrows furrowed. "Maybe too seriously sometimes."

His eyes were far away. "Back then, when I was living with him, I never imagined that he'd really just buy me a house and let me slip through his fingers so easily."

I felt his heartbeat climb from under my fingertips, and I was amazed at how his face didn't betray it.

But I _wanted _his face to betray him.

I framed the sides of his face and made my hair fall over us like a curtain.

And hidden like that, we were just us and no one else.

And for some people, what we were going through might seem petty and ridiculous. It could simply be a little prick on their finger. But it wasn't, and that little pain was ours, and because it was ours, it hurt more than the whole world.

He ran his hands up and down my sides, each pass making my camisole roll up higher and higher.

I clutched his hand, stilling it.

We were breathing a little harder than we were a second ago.

He craned his neck forward, briefly touching the tip of his nose to mine.

He sneakily pushed my camisole farther up.

"I'm not soliciting." Smiling sleepily, he kissed me, and it had been so long since the last one before the game. "I just want to feel your skin. I just – I just want to hold you. Are you gonna let me?"

I sighed like a girl in love and let him roll us over and pin my wrists down to the ground.

"Edward?"

"Mm?"

"I… I…" I love you. "Never mind."

He smashed our bodies together and peppered kisses all over my neck.

"You know you have me, right?" I hugged his waist. "You know that you have both my body and mind, right?"

"All mine." He hitched my legs around his hips. "I know."

I closed my eyes, smiling, and gave in.

I wanted to chase off all the shadows in his heart.

* * *

><p>Edward and I were a secret.<p>

Not even Emmett knew, although something told me Mike did.

But Mike Newton always knew.

"Is your dad home tonight?" Edward whispered in my ear, backing off only for a moment to nod at Tyler Crowley walking by.

"Yeah." I blinked up at him. "Why?"

His eyes flicked from my eyes to mouth. "Because I want to spend the night with you."

My inner thighs felt tingly.

"Will you let me sneak in?"

"What? No!"

His straight face transformed into one with the cheekiest grin. "My car's always an option."

"No, and – stop." I subtly hid my chest from him. "You're doing the peeking thing again."

Yeah, his back was unusually straight as he tried to look down my shirt.

I picked at my apple slices as his hand flicked at my elbow so, so nonchalantly. Sighing, he melted into his chair.

Emmett stood up and did a handshake as one of the underclassman dropped by our table, and from across me, Mike played with my hair tie.

"How do you wear this thing?" He stretched the band. "This could be a weapon."

I leaned across the table. "Don't stretch it!"

Waggling his eyebrows, Mike flung it upward.

Edward caught it, though, and raised it high in the air when I stretched my arm out.

I resisted the smile. "Give it!"

"Face the other way."

When I didn't, he practically hoisted me up himself. I squealed as he brought my back to him.

He firmly placed my hands on my thighs. "No moving."

"What are you trying to do?"

Then Edward began to meddle with my hair, tugging and pulling, and I understood.

"Was it winter?" I asked him quietly.

"First snow at that time of the year."

I grinned and held up my phone in the air, staring at my reflection.

"This is harder than it looks."

He sounded like a struggling child, and it made me smile.

Then I saw how bumpy my hair looked and began to laugh and couldn't stop.

"Why are you laughing?" But Edward was laughing too. "I'm trying – I swear, I'm trying!"

I guided him the rest of the way, combing my hair back and teaching him how and when to twist the band.

By the time our laughs subsided, we had a lot of people's attention, and the majority of them were giving us weird glances.

I immediately returned to stuffing my mouth with fruit slices.

"This is all your fault." I glimpsed over at Edward, who looked pretty smug as he downed his iced coffee. "I told you we shouldn't eat in the cafeteria."

But Edward bumped his calf to mine and stealthily placed a possessive hand on my inner thigh.

His threatening eyes were firmly on Mike and Emmett from across us. The two boys, to my surprise, returned the look.

* * *

><p>Putting his elbow on the table and propping his head upon his hand, Edward lifted a spoonful of ice cream to my mouth. "Sweet girl with a sweet tooth."<p>

My lips parted as the cold spoon glided between them.

He grinned.

"You're treating me like a baby." I reached for the spoon. "Hand it over. You do see Mrs. Stanley by that corner, right?"

"So what?"

I gave him a look.

"You know… I have a sweet tooth too."

I scooped a spoonful too and held it up for him.

But Edward shook his head and fused our mouths together instead.

I kept my eyes closed even as he backed off.

He flicked a finger on my cheek. "The best dessert."

Then he wove our fingers together, so tightly that his knuckles turned white, and kissed the back of my hand.

His eyes, on my face, darkened as his lips stayed on my skin for longer than a few seconds.

His eyes crinkled as he smiled to himself.

My stare fell to our linked, carded fingers.

Almost like handcuffs.

Dangerous.

I was done playing it safe.

I abruptly stood up, the chair legs raking on the tiled floor. "Be right back. I have to call someone. Now, I think."

He left his eyes glued on our slipping wrists until his hung limply.

"I'll come back."

He looked away. "Don't take too long."

* * *

><p>"Hello?" I cleared my throat. "Royce, you there?"<p>

"Bella? Oh, hi there. What's up, calling this late at night?"

"It's not that late." I sounded weak as I leaned against a brick wall. "Are you – are you busy?"

Silence.

"Bella Swan. Is this a booty call?"

Despite myself, I snorted.

Laugh. "I'm messing with you."

My smile softened. "I know."

My heart counted the seconds.

"Royce, I can't see you anymore."

Silence, again, but a different kind.

Laugh, again, but a different kind. "What the fuck?"

I palmed my face.

"We haven't seen each other in forever, and you suddenly call me up to tell me this? Is this some soap opera shit you're pulling?"

Silence.

"That's harsh," he said quietly. "Seriously? Over the phone?"

My shoulders fell in defeat. "I don't know. I just – I'm… I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?"

The deadly sound of the voice made me freeze.

"Why, Bella?"

With bated breath, I gazed over the glass wall of the ice cream store, but there was no trace of Edward.

"You're back together with him, aren't you?" He waited a minute before laughing darkly. "You just answered my question."

I might have thought that he'd hung up on me, but he spoke again, voice unexpectedly crisp and light.

"Well, I guess that's okay." He let out a teasing sigh. "Isn't this what everyone calls unrequited love? I guess it's time I give it a try."

"What are you talking about?"

"Nope, not a word. There's no rejecting in this."

"What? Don't –"

"Oh, try me." He yawned. "Well! I'm doing some last-minute cramming for my exams, so I gotta go. I'll visit you over spring break, all right?"

"But – Royce –"

"See ya, beautiful."

He ended the call.

I stared, dazed, at the blinking number indicating the length of the call when I heard someone approach me.

Edward.

"Is that who I think it is?"

His name escaped me as he cowered me into the wall.

I jumped as he took my phone and threw it in his pocket.

Edward Cullen's anger was never red or out of control.

He had a temper like no other, but it was always blue and cold and chilling and intimidating.

"Are you mad?" I was scared of the answer, though. "But I swear –"

He jerked me close to his chest and wrapped me in his leather jacket. His body welcomed me closer, and I buried my face in his chest.

"Why do you need him when you have me?"

I twisted in his embrace. Was this a dream? "Now you know how it feels."

"And now you're the liar."

I pulled back, frowning, but he looked serious.

"I'm not a liar." I swallowed. "Why do you think I am?"

"You told me you weren't seeing him."

"I'm… not –"

His eyes glazed over. "Liar."

"I'm _not_ a liar." My breath hitched. "I'm telling you the truth. Why would you doubt me?"

Somehow, tables had turned.

"Then come and prove me wrong, Bella Swan."

I met his eyes fully.

He was waiting.

And I spoke up. "I'll let you sneak in tonight." Pause. "And we're going to spend the night together."

His lips twitched, and his eyes dropped to my breasts before going down to the area between my legs.

"And… and…" I turned away, cheeks turning pink. "And you bring those condoms, okay?"

He was smirking now, his eyes dark and hot.

"A bunch." I was whispering at this point, playing with the lapels of his jacket. "Just in case."

He kissed me.

And I hid a smile, forehead to his shoulder.

Edward had never been this expressive, and I wanted him to be more, even.

I wanted him to chase me down until he loved me more than I loved him.

"So when can I expect you?"

He looked down at me with a crooked smile. "At twilight."

"Okay."

He thumbed the button of my jeans. "Then till morning."

I was too stunned for words, so I excitedly bobbed my head instead.

He pinched my cheek, liking that I seemed eager, and kissed it. "Leave your window open."

* * *

><p>Edward moved so good.<p>

He pressed distracted kisses on my chin, grinding into me over and over.

"Damn Charlie." He was breathless. "I want to hear you."

My head was pounding because I was holding my breath in intervals – because if I breathed, I would be gasping.

"Can you spread your legs wider?" His eyes were frenzied as he loomed closer and continued to move inside me. "I want to go deeper."

And all of it was so crazy, because I could feel his thrusts all over my body, from head to toe. It felt as though someone was tickling me from the inside, and I didn't know what to do but squirm and thrash in his embrace.

But his hips sped up, so fast, that our bodies were bouncing into and off the bed.

Now, it was impossible, beyond crazy.

By the time I was perched on top of him, my long hair was sticking to my chest, and I almost slid off his legs because our thighs were slippery wet.

Edward pushed off the strands of hair that were covering my chest, and sucked my nipple.

And because I was so drenched that I couldn't feel him inside me and because he kept slipping out of me anyway, I settled with grinding against him.

Edward liked that a lot.

"I want you to kiss me." I closed my eyes, trying to catch my breath and touching my mouth. "Right… right here."

He did, and I loved every moment.

He was so good at tossing me around as he pleased, having no qualms with whispering pretty things in my ear – or grunting naughty ones that made my world crash and burn.

I wondered if I had the same effect on him.

"I want to try something." He traced my earlobe with a tongue, smirking when I shivered. "Are you up for it?"

I fumbled for his thigh, gasping in surprise when he blew air in my ear. "Is it reasonable?"

He simply rearranged me, and I took that as a yes.

I could feel all of him – his chest to hip – pushing down on my back.

And when we reconnected below, it was deeper than ever, and for a second I feared it would hurt me.

But then his hips started to undulate, and I could feel his warm breaths on my cheekbones.

"So, so good." Swallowing a moan, I hunched over and reached for the headboard at the same time he did; it was too intense. "Oh, my God – Edward – I – can't – it's –"

But I took everything he gave me, and when he slumped over me, he laughed in my ear and said, "It would be a miracle if your dad didn't hear all that noise."

We held our breaths but heard no one out in the hallway.

Edward sniggered. "Chief's losing his touch."

I giggled, pushing his sweaty hair back and telling him with my eyes that I was in love with him.

* * *

><p>"Bella."<p>

"Yes, Edward?"

He rolled to the side, arm below his head, eyes intense.

"What?" I gently asked, pulling the white sheets over my legs. "I know you want to say something."

"I got a few acceptance letters."

I blinked, heart thumping once. My voice was coarse suddenly. "College?"

He nodded, watching me.

"Oh, that's… awesome. Where?"

"Some in California." He looked away lazily. "Some in Illinois."

"Right…. Right, that's – that's great." I framed his face and kissed his lips. My hand was shaking. "Congrats, I'm so happy for you."

He arched an eyebrow.

His eyes were piercing, and it was hard to look away.

"Any in Washington?" I whispered.

"No."

"No?" I scooted closer, licking my lip. "How do you know? Did you get rejected?"

"I say no because –" his stare wouldn't let me go, "– because I didn't apply to any."

"You didn't?" I blinked furiously, twisting the sheets frantically between my fingers. "Why not?"

He shrugged.

This damaging blow wasn't breaking my heart; it actually felt like heavy, asphyxiating pressure on my lungs, pushing all air out.

My head was hazy again.

Wan, I rested my naked body against my headboard, concentrating on what it all meant.

"Thing is," I heard him say, and he continued to talk.

His voice was the usual monotone, and I was hardly paying any attention until he abruptly stopped.

Suddenly, his last words replayed in my ear.

"What do you mean you're not going to college?" I frowned, taken aback. "I thought you wanted to."

"Yeah, 'wanted to.'" He gave me a look, smile spreading. "Not anymore."

A flicker of hope. "Will you stay in Forks?"

"No."

The flicker, smothered. "Where will you go, then? After graduation."

"Leave."

The flicker, stomped on. "Will you stay for the summer?"

"We'll see."

_But _I_ want you to stay for the summer. Can you do that for me? "_Oh. Okay. I see. Right. Of course."

Silence.

Pulling my oversized shirt over me, I swung my feet over the bed. They landed with a subtle thud.

"I'm…" I kept my eyes down. "I'm going to make some tea. Do you –" I hung my head, hating my stutter. "Do you want anything?"

"No thank you."

That was when I realized that Edward Cullen hardly said yes for me.

* * *

><p>I filled the kettle and turned it on.<p>

As soon as the hiss of fire filled the air, I leaned against the counter. I stayed that way for a while.

Hazy, so hazy.

I just wanted to understand.

"This is nuts," I muttered.

"What's?"

I jumped, hand to my heart. "Why aren't you upstairs?"

Unperturbed, Edward circled the dining table and picked up a piece of brownie I made. "You were taking a long time. I was wondering."

"If you get caught…"

"I won't."

I kept an eye on him as he smoothly slid out a chair and straddled it.

"I should bake _you_ something sometime."

My mouth fell open.

He slowly munched on the chocolate treat, eyeing me.

"Sure." Numb, I spun away from him, turning off the stove, dipping a teabag, and watching it float. "What will you make me?"

"Donno. What do you want to eat?"

"Crème brulee?"

"Okay."

"You know I was kidding."

"Yeah, but it's okay."

I shook my head, amused. "And you know that crème brulee's also one of the harder things to bake, right?"

"No." He paused. "It's okay. It'll be fun."

"Have you baked anything in your life?"

"No."

I cracked a weak smile.

I prepared some tea for him too, and when I sat it down, I quietly pulled out a chair next to his. Having finished his midnight snack, he had now twisted in his seat and was staring deeply at the table calendar I had placed next to the napkins.

He picked it up, face unreadable. "Bella."

I stared at the yellow-green liquid inside the mug, only giving him half my attention.

He called my name again, kicking me a little.

"Sorry, what?"

"It's only March now."

I raised an eyebrow.

"It's only springtime." He reflected me, but grinning. "Summer's far and away as of yet."

Yeah, as of late.

I wanted to pretend now; I hoped he didn't mind.

So I gave him a nod. "Yes, it is."

* * *

><p>And he kept his promise, from twilight till morning.<p>

By near morning, my room and bed smelled like him and me, and I had to open the window to let some cold, fresh air in.

We huddled under the blankets, and I stuck my frosty foot on his leg.

"What time is it?" His eyes were closed, tired, bruised.

"Time for school." I glimpsed over to the time. "Almost. You should go home and get ready."

But I wasn't letting him go.

He drew out a sigh and pulled my leg up over his bony hip.

He squinted one eye open, almost winking at me in the peeking morning light. "Can we do it one more time?"

And God, he was hard.

And fast. He was too impatient for slow sex – for… making love.

The idea bothered me, although I tried not to let it.

He was always in a hurry.

Why were we always in a hurry?

* * *

><p>Tyler Crowley was one of those boys to whom all the parents compared their sons, but those who really got the whole deal knew that he was a sleazy man whore and a grand opportunist.<p>

And I didn't like where the conversation was heading.

"No wonder your father decided to cancel plans!" Obnoxiously, the boy shoved a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Nice, Cullen."

"False alarm." Edward nonchalantly played with my hair, twirling and twirling. "I guess I'm stuck in Forks till graduation."

Tyler sniggered. "Did he even come to your game last week?"

I flinched, eyes snapping up. "Tyler –"

"No, he didn't." Edward's eyes flicked onto me for a short second. "I guess he had other, more pressing priorities."

"Don't get me wrong, man – and all the chicks are fucking chipper about you staying – but who'd want you!"

"Who would, I know." Edward smirked at his tangled fingers. "I'm a terrible person."

The chair under me screeched as I stood. "Will you stop?"

And I was not speaking to Tyler.

Edward's face betrayed nothing. "Stop what?"

Then, Mr. Wilkins knocked a fist on the whiteboard, gathering everyone's attention, and announced that the guidance counselors were going to visit the class in a moment to help us with our college endeavors.

I quickly dropped back on my seat, and although Edward and I were still sitting very close, there was suddenly a distance.

I _wanted him._

_I _wanted _him._

_I wanted _him.

I tensed as he took my hand and put it on his leg.

"You're not a terrible person," I mumbled.

And there it was – the white stare.

* * *

><p>After school, Edward grabbed his soccer materials, and the two of us headed toward the field. Then –<p>

"Mr. Cullen?"

Standing by the agape classroom door was our English teacher.

Edward straightened up. "Yes, sir?"

The man rolled in a finger. "Please step in for a moment; I want to talk to you. No worries; I cleared things with your coach already." He paused. "Miss Swan, you won't be needed."

I was caught off guard when Edward boldly took my wrist and tugged me alongside him into the class.

I saw Mr. Wilkins's eyes flicker between us, and he sighed. "I said just you, Edward."

I bumbled around like an idiot as Edward's grasp on me tightened.

The man sighed again, a hint of a smile I'd never seen finding his face. "You two are inseparable… Fine, then. If you insist."

Edward's eyes narrowed. "Am I in trouble?"

"Not quite." Mr. Wilkins pushed a paper across the desk. "I was merely wondering why you turned this in blank."

I peeked over and realized that it was the worksheet that the seniors had to fill out during English.

It was titled "Future Plans," and all I could see on it was a name, date, and class period scribbled in Edward's handwriting – nothing else.

"I can help you, Edward; that's my job," the teacher said solemnly. "What are you planning on? Four-year college? Two-year college? Vocational school? What do you see yourself doing in the future?"

"None of the above." Edward didn't reveal a thing with that unfazed look. "I don't want to waste my father's money on the schooling I'm not interested in."

"Then what? You're going to look for a job right out of school?"

"No, sir."

Mr. Wilkins sat on the teacher's chair, his hands tented up in front of him. "I'm looking for more than a yes or no answer."

Edward didn't say anything, though.

"Edward," the teacher said, warning in his voice, "the decisions you make now are crucial."

Still no word from Edward.

Sighing loudly, Mr. Wilkins went back up to his feet. He was looking at me now.

"Miss Swan, maybe it's a good thing that you're here. Why don't you put some sense into this boy for me while I drop by the teacher's lounge?"

"What?" I blinked. "Me?"

"Yes, you." He chuckled and headed toward the door. "I'll keep the door closed, but I hope you stay quiet; no teacher's allowed to have students in an unsupervised room."

I was still staring with a slacked jaw as the door clicked close.

Then I heard crackling, and by the time I knew what was going on, Edward had balled the worksheet in his fist and had thrown it in the trash.

I rushed back to him. "Why did you do that?"

He balanced himself on the back legs of his chair, silent and teetering. "I don't need it."

"Of course you need it." I looked into the garbage can. "Wilkins is not going to be happy about this."

He grinned, as if liking that idea, and met my gaze. "But how am I supposed to picture my future when I can't even accept the person I am today?"

His chair creaked with each shift of his weight, and except for the small platter of the rain on the windows, all was quiet.

"I always wonder why things turned out the way they did, when all I ever wanted was the opposite." He spread his knees and put his elbows there. "And then I think about all the ways I could have done differently." The tips of his mouth went up, sly. "I guess I was lying when I told you that I let it all go."

I wanted to say the right things, but I didn't know what they were.

"So how am I supposed to know what I want to do later in life when I don't know what I want to do now?"

"You've asked me that before."

"And I still haven't figured it out."

Hazy, so hazy.

"You know what's worse, though?"

I shook my head.

"I don't think I ever will."

* * *

><p>I found Edward beautiful in the winter sun – with the rusty-brown hair and bright eyes – but he was incredible in the spring shower: brown hair turned black, face and body muddy after kicking the soccer ball around for too long, and eyes hooded and dark.<p>

"I feel like a pervert lurking in the boys' locker room so often these days." I trailed a hand down the blue lockers, stopping when I reached the end. I turned to Edward. "You're dripping wet. Are you going to shower here?"

"Think so."

This was our new routine, hiding from the world and preserving our secret as we hung out in the empty locker room after practice.

"You're wet too," he pointed out.

And I was. "The joys of being the soccer manager?"

Edward, smiling, took off his shoes. "So you wanna join me in the shower?"

My eyes widened. "And risk getting caught?"

"If we were going to get caught, it would have happened a long time ago." He smirked to himself, it seemed. "Trust me."

I laughed awkwardly, toeing the ground. "Well, thanks for the offer but –"

I yelped as Edward picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

I did the whole squealing and wiggling, and he did the whole dumping me in the narrow shower room, turning on the water over our heads.

"You suck!" But I was laughing, the sound echoing. "Now I'm soaking wet!"

His sneaky hand trailed down my stomach and into my tight jeans. "I think I can get you soaking somewhere else too."

And we laughed and clacked teeth and fooled around until I was pushing his squishy jersey up with my hands and his shorts down with my feet.

I wrapped my legs around him as he pushed me into the cold tiled wall.

He smirked, water dripping down his brows and eyelashes. "This is familiar."

"Yep, we've been here before," I whispered, caught in the moment and dazed.

My jeans were clinging to me too tightly, so we never managed to get those off me.

"If you were wearing a skirt, I'd be inside you already."

Kissing was enough for now.

But the small, unwelcomed, well-remembered pieces of the past were slowly resurfacing – pieces that I once wished would surface some time ago.

A part of me was beginning to understand Edward and why he'd tried to keep me away from them.

Yeah, so these stolen kisses in the shower room, between classes, and in my bedroom at night were enough for now.

But deep inside… Is _this enough?_

Still. I just wanted everything to be the way it was now.

Yeah, to be the way it was now: hazy, confusing, a mystery.

Exactly like this.

…

Exactly like this?

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>The calm before the last storm…

Please review!


	36. Chapter 35

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE**

* * *

><p>"Bella, honey."<p>

"Yes, dad?" I hid my nervous hands behind me. "What's up?"

Charlie regarded me from the end of the hall, and he was holding his morning coffee and newspaper.

The slight disapproval in his stare was evident, and I knew exactly what he disapproved of – what he suspected of me.

"Where are you headed so early in the morning?" he asked me.

"Jessica's. We have to finish this project."

"When will you be back?"

"I'm going to sleep over." I paused. "That's okay, right?"

The lies slipped out so naturally that I was surprised myself.

My hand tightened around my backpack strap, and I hoped against hope that Charlie didn't know that there was not a single book in there.

My dad sighed and disappeared into the living room. "I'm going to check up on you later at night, all right?"

"Okay."

How long would it take for him to understand that Edward was in my life?

* * *

><p>Edward stared and listened as I prattled on and complained about Charlie. He snickered at the wrong parts, but gave me a small crinkly smile every time I needed it.<p>

"I mean," I sighed, annoyed, "I don't get why he's so against you. But not just that – I just – I want to graduate high school already. Oh, sometimes, I wish I had a place of my own. You know what I mean?"

He raised an eyebrow.

Oh. How insensitive. Of course he knew what I meant.

"You really want a place of your own?" he asked.

I cleared my throat. "It was just an expression."

He looked at me weirdly.

"Well." I paused. "My point is –"

Edward brushed a finger on my shoulder.

I blinked confusedly.

He held up a strand of hair and shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "I need you to listen to me."

"I'm listening."

With narrowed eyes, I huffed and leaned sideways on my palm. "Then tell me what I just said."

His lips met my forehead. "You said, 'Well, my point is,' before I cut you off."

I rolled my eyes, again, but smiled afterward.

"I have this bad habit of thinking that you're this girl who's perfectly happy with everything," he said quietly. "I keep forgetting that you're not."

I tilted my head slightly when he mumbled my name.

"Do you wanna just run away with me?"

My stomach flip-flopped. "What?"

He patted down my hair, and he was smiling so wide that he looked every bit like the heartbreaker he was.

"Nothing," he said before looking off to the side.

* * *

><p>By twilight, the air outdoors was clammy but had the perfect green scent, and Edward had set up a movie scene out in the backyard: his white sheets that were hung up on the back wall of his house was the screen, and he'd somehow managed to power the projector outside.<p>

"Until my stuff comes back," he explained, eyes never off the movie.

Yeah, he had no couch at the moment.

Every day, I was very tempted to hunt down Mr. Masen in Seattle and… harm him in some way.

Edward grabbed my foot and stuck it on his lap, and when I peeked over at him, I realized that he'd done so unconsciously.

I wasn't sure how long I watched him, but Edward was suddenly groaning, sighing, grinning, and running a hand through his hair.

"Am I that good-looking?" he asked, twiddling with my toes.

Adjusting my clothes, I slowly slanted toward him and tried to catch his attention.

And his eyes immediately landed on me as I teasingly puckered my lips.

Something inside me turned into mush as he threw his head back and laughed, and he was then grabbing me by the neck and pulling my mouth closer to his.

Right before they touched, I squeezed his cheeks together so he would pucker also. And so our mouths met and parted with a loud smack, and as the slow, lazy smile found my face, he showered me with funny kisses all over my neck.

I was not surprised when things turned from easy to restless, and he was climbing in between my legs in a way that I was becoming very familiar with. What I _was_ surprised with, though, was the way he threw my legs over his shoulders.

He impatiently pushed my jean skirt up, so farther up that the scratchy material under the zipper rubbed against the skin below my chest and made it harder for me to breathe. He was so close that he'd be inside me if it weren't for the layers of clothes.

"Wear a fuller skirt next time, okay?" he laughed in my ear.

Nodding impatiently, I pushed his pants down with my feet.

His hand fell below my underwear, jerking it down and making the sewing work pop.

I flinched, but he continued to rip, rip, rip.

I stopped him with wide eyes. "I don't have another pair."

"You won't need any for the rest of the night."

And I didn't think I would ever get used to the feeling of having him inside me, because I could hardly believe what was real or imagined whenever I looked below and saw him slide in and out, wet and throbbing.

"What, you want it in your mouth?" he whispered in my ear, grinding and circling his hips.

Moments like this, I felt like my heart could burst, and it was pleasant and painful at the same time.

And Edward Cullen was smiling, the shape of his mouth bowed and subtle. I could see him looking lost as always, and I wondered if he could see me looking just the opposite: found.

* * *

><p>I twitched, grinning over my shoulder, as Edward hugged me from the back and very intentionally pressed my butt and his crotch together.<p>

"Going commando?"

"Unfortunately." I put down the bowl of strawberries on the kitchen island and placed his hands tighter on my lower stomach, interlocking our fingers. "Because _someone _ruined my underwear…"

And then he was tickling my sides, and I was tittering and shrieking until my stomach felt like it was getting ripped apart.

He laughed too, stopping at last. "Damn, you're ticklish."

"You just noticed?"

A mischievous look crossed his eyes. "Nope, you're pretty sensitive overall…"

Embarrassed, I nudged his knee with mine, but I didn't put much energy into it.

One of his hands reached down and petted my hip and the part of the skirt that was covering it.

It always made my insides quiver when he was shirtless and had his strong arms around me, all flexing and warm.

"What are you making?" His chin sat on the top of my head. "We just had dinner."

I shrugged. "Chocolate-covered strawberries."

He adjusted his body, now more obviously pressing his hard-on into me.

"Does me cooking turn you on?"

"How can you tell?" he teased.

I yelped as he sloped his body forward, and my hands shot out to keep me from flopping forward.

"You… are such a typical guy." My cheeks were suddenly alive with color as he flipped my skirt up, spread my legs, and reached between them. "Is sex all you think about?"

"Yeah." Edward managed to get me to sit on the counter. He yanked my tank top up. "Now that you brought it up, you wanna do it now?"

"Unlike you, I don't want to have sex all the time. So no."

His eyes danced. "Well, how about I don't give you a choice?"

"Do we even _have_ any condoms left after all – you know – _that_ earlier?"

"Probably not."

"See? I'm not _completely_ irresponsible."

"Well, the other time at your house…" He grinned. "You know…"

Yanking my top back down, I pushed him off with a foot on his belly, and he feigned pain.

I laughed. "Oh, stop it."

* * *

><p>Nowadays, I frequently found myself thinking about people other than myself or Edward.<p>

Like Alice, Royce, Edward's stepdad…

Now Edward's empty house held a new meaning – it was still sadness but a different kind. The guilt I felt was overwhelming, and I couldn't help but wonder if Edward had already known what was going to happen when he sent me to the coffee shop.

On my knees on the pile of sheets Edward made by the fireplace, I stared out the big window and into the darkness when I heard him approach.

"Was it Jane calling?" I mumbled blankly.

Hearing no answer, I looked over my shoulders to see him lingering by the door. He was watching my eyes, my body, and me, and I gave him my smile.

He came back to me and crawled over my body.

Kissing him never got old.

"Edward." I broke off, breathless, and propped myself up on my elbows. "So I was thinking."

He kept leaving me small kisses, working me up. "Of what?"

I held his gaze for a long moment. "Of Carlisle."

He blinked once. Twice.

"Have you talked to him at all since?"

"No."

"You should."

He raised an eyebrow.

"But _he's_ not like your… other dad," I whispered weakly. "_Carlisle _deserves a chance."

Edward snorted and pushed himself off me, lying down on his back.

I sat up, nervous. "Is he originally from Washington?"

His eyes closed. "No."

"See, exactly. Why would he stay here when he's pretty much free to go wherever?"

"He's here because he's still hung up on a dead woman –"

That sounded familiar. "Well, I think it's because he wants to be near you –"

"So he can get the money he needs –"

"But what if –"

He effectively shut me up with a hand to my mouth, and the cold warning in his eyes made me freeze.

Then I was met with the ever-familiar cold shoulder as he twisted away and told me to go to sleep.

Yeah, feeling miserable for this boy never got old either.

* * *

><p>It was five in the morning, but the house was still dark.<p>

And my eyes hurt from staring at the bright screen of my phone for too long.

Crawling backward toward a wall, I pulled my legs to my chest and rocked my body side to side as I waited for a responding text.

Buzz.

_The fuck? You're spending the night at your boyfriend's house, and he's not keeping you busy? Shame. –Royce_

I shivered and stuck my thighs closer to my hardened nipples. I briefly contemplated putting some clothes on but decided against it.

I glimpsed down at Edward; his eyes were shut close, and the blanket was up to his nose. I smiled, but it quickly dropped to a little frown.

_You did not just bring up my sex life. –Bella_

_Wooooooooops, I just did. –Royce_

_Very mature. –Bella_

_In fact, I am. Maybe you'll let me show you some VERY mature tricks when I visit you… today ;) –Royce_

_Today? –Bella_

_Yeah. Guess who's crashing your school's pep rally? –Royce_

_You're coming?! –Bella_

_Yeah. Excited? –Royce_

A little smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I rested my chin on my knees. I waited until the screen darkened when I woke it up again.

_Are you really going to visit me? –Bella_

_Why, you miss me? –Royce_

Did I?

Before I could answer the question myself: _I miss you too, baby. –Royce_

My eyes glazed over. _You do? –Bella_

_Shit, I smell desperation. What's up? Or should I ask you what E did this time? –Royce_

I sighed, looking down again, and my heart skipped a beat because this time, a pair of green eyes was open, awake, and blinking right at me.

My lips parted in shock. "Edward."

I watched, frozen in my posture, as he, as naked as I was, headed toward the restroom.

Shoulders slacking in relief, I lay back down and hid under the covers. My heart was beating so fast, but I clenched my eyes shut and willed myself to sleep.

I didn't know when I really fell into sleep or what woke me back up, but it mustn't have been that long when I stirred.

Then I could hear my pulse at my ear and feel it in my neck, as I saw Edward with my phone in his hand.

I sat up so fast that I felt dizzy, and reached out.

His eyes lazily snapped to mine, and I faltered.

"May I have my phone back?" I whispered.

He sat still – too still.

"Don't – …" My stomach stirred as I got on my knees and reached farther out. "Edward, don't read my messages –"

"If you didn't want me to, you could have deleted them."

His voice was so raw and biting, and I didn't know what to do.

I jumped when he threw my phone across the room, breaking it into halves.

"There's nothing going on between him and me." My whisper was broken. "I swear, Edward. I swear –"

"I never asked."

I was sitting, but my knees were shaking.

Now, weak morning light was spilling in through the windows, and I felt more vulnerable than just plain naked.

My eyes moved frantically, catching every movement, as he pulled on his boxers so they rode low on his hips.

I didn't care if I sounded clingy. "Are you going to leave me again?"

"No."

I sighed, but the relief was short-lived.

"I'm still going to drive you to school for the pep rally, if that's what you're worried about." His eyes finally settled on my face. "He's expecting you, after all."

It was suddenly very quiet – so quiet that I could have heard a pin drop – and I really didn't expect to hear what he'd just said.

Even sitting, he towered over me, and I felt small.

"Why do you look so sad?" His words pierced my stomach. "What, you want my permission to go say hi?"

His eyes, staring me down, held something dangerous, and he cocked an eyebrow, challenging, waiting.

I loved getting caught up in his gaze, but at times like this, I felt so tightly bounded to it that it was excruciating.

His rough touch nudged my chin up.

He searched my face, and – "I can't lose you too."

I had that stinging feeling in the jaw.

"Do you understand that?"

I nodded quietly.

He let me go, lulling backward and grasping a bunch of his hair.

"The texts mean nothing." I carefully crawled over to him and tried to catch his eyes. "They… Royce… I…"

I was shoved face first to his chest, and I had to brace myself on his shoulders.

"Sorry about breaking your phone," he said, sounding slightly bewildered. "I'll buy you a new one."

"No, no, it's okay." I was just so grateful that he was okay – that we were okay. "It was already half broken anyway."

He hesitated. "Sorry about that, by the way."

I frowned.

"I chucked the volleyball at you on your first day of school."

I frowned more, pulling back a little to look up. "That was _you_?"

He grinned.

I smiled softly, and he brought our nude bodies impossibly close.

"You're crushing my bones," I teased.

His hold loosened. "Do you know you have the most perfect tits?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cringe or blush as he experimentally shoved my breasts to him over and over.

"You're making fun of me," I mumbled.

"Nah, I'm serious." He cracked a smile.

"So do you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." His arm circled my waist. "I… I trust you."

My heart swelled, and I touched his protruding hipbone and the dipping area next to it, stroking the hair there absentmindedly.

He smirked down at my hand. "Just so you know, I'm already hard to begin with, so if you keep up with that…"

I blinked up at him. "Can I have you in my mouth?"

His brows went up as he studied me. "Are you sure you were a virgin before me?"

"Of course!" I paused, eyes widening and face burning. "You're my first."

He leaned back, eyes drooping lazily as he slanted his stare down.

I traced each faint square of his stomach muscles, using my fingernails to scratch him a little.

He groaned, surprising me by wildly grabbing me by the back of my neck and forcing my face to his crotch.

I hid a smile, not minding his control, and rolled his underwear down.

I loved his eyes right after a night's sleep, because they were ironically always a shade darker and sleepier.

They were an extra shade darker this morning.

I kept smiling around him, but not for long because he flipped us over. On his back, he drew my hips closer and closer to his mouth.

"Sit on me," was the last thing I heard him say, because afterward I was too busy holding onto his hair.

And the urgent way he tongued me and drank every last drop felt like he loved me so bad, even though he'd never told me so and a lot of the things he did always made me doubt him.

He burst out laughing just as I climaxed.

I squirmed self-consciously, attempting to close my legs.

"No, no, no," he insisted, hands behind his head and looking amused.

"Do you like doing…" I gestured at the area between my thighs, "_that _to me?"

"Yeah. The best part's seeing you all rosy and out of breath after you come." His cheek lifted as he smirked. "Like right now."

My hands flew to my face.

He pried them off, though, and his grin diminished.

"Bella, what does he have that I don't?"

Immediately, I thought about Royce and me.

But Edward's eyes were far away.

Thinking about her too.

"You're my whole world." I slapped his chest when I noticed that he was trying to mask the snickers. "I mean it! You're – you're everything_._"

His finger slowly drew a line between my chest, down to my belly button, and all the way to the place where it still glinted with wetness.

And he held my stare.

"Only me," he said.

And he pushed a thumb between my folds.

"I'm the only one allowed to be in you. Only I get to see you under me, naked, rosy, breathless, and legs spread as far as they go because I'm the only one who can ask of that and fuck you properly." He framed the side of my face. "Bella, look at me. I need your eyes on me."

And I did, and grappled his hair. "I wouldn't give up my body to just anyone."

His eyes fluttered close, and he pressed our chests together.

I relished the warmth.

"Edward."

"Mm?"

"I love you."

I had my eyes opened wide.

His hair felt so soft against my cheek.

A memory rushed back – one where he left me all alone after I said the three words for the first time.

Scared, I held him close, and he coughed, grunted, and laughed.

"Okay, Bella, you're a lot stronger than I thought. It's your turn not to crush me."

"No." I dug my face in his neck. "I'm not going to let you go. You're mine too."

"You know… sometimes I think about how a girl like you shouldn't take this ridiculous path."

"What ridiculous path? Shut up."

"Shutting up."

His words were followed by almost infinite stillness, as I stayed sprawled on top of him, chest to chest. We basked in the somber sunlight, and I watched how the light hit the hairs on his arms.

And although there was plenty of time, he never addressed the three words I'd said.

"Weird," he whispered.

"What is?"

He sighed. "I can feel your heartbeat."

* * *

><p>It was physically exhausting to be with someone who had such astonishing sexual energy, but I found solace whenever I was around that happy, horny boy who liked having his girl on top.<p>

"You look really pretty today, Bella."

It was Emmett, and he peeked at my close-fitting skirt before averting his eyes back up to my face as I caught him.

"Nice save." I chuckled at his flustered face. "And thanks. You look really nice too."

"Swan, where are you!"

It was Coach.

I blundered down the field in my heels, musing over how stupid it was to be dressed in formal wear for a pep rally. At least every one of the soccer boys were wearing dress shirt and tie too.

Then suddenly, I was pulled to the side by the elbow, and I teetered as I was hauled out the field gates.

My two-inch heel got stuck under the mud.

Edward threw his head back and laughed.

I still teetered even as I grabbed his arm and adjusted my foot.

I gave him a warning look when his fingers trailed down my side to my hip, digging in.

"Hi," he said innocently.

"Hi," I said carefully, although fighting a grin the entire time.

"What? Come here." He jerked me to him, his left arm hooking around my neck, as he rocked us side to side.

"I have to go," I mumbled into his chest.

"One more minute. I just wanted to touch you so bad."

He hugged me so completely that my heart ached so good, and he craned his neck down so he could kiss me… only to start laughing through his nose because I _still_ had to tiptoe.

My toes, in the uncomfortable heels, were beginning to hurt. "Kissing you standing up is a pain in the butt. Have I ever told you that?"

"Are you growing?"

"No. I think I'm stuck at five two forever." I smirked at nothing in particular. It must be him. "Are you? Still growing, I mean?"

"Think so." He brushed his lips to my cheekbone.

"But you're already so tall!" I sighed dreamily and pecked his chest. "Oh, well. I can still kiss you here whenever I want."

He pushed my hair off my face and brought our faces together so that we were just almost kissing. His eyes darted down to my mouth then back up my eyes, and our mouths began to go up in a grin exactly at the same time.

Some time, he must have decided that this was enough teasing because he finally molded our mouths together. As they smashed, he moaned and aligned our hips.

I would have gone kissing him forever if it weren't some kids whistling and making obscene noises and gestures in the background.

Turning red, I buried my face in Edward's chest. "Make them leave."

"Ah, shit."

Edward's usual cool tone was lost, and I wondered why… until I saw what he saw: Coach glaring at us.

* * *

><p>The cheerleaders were doing their dance number as Coach gathered Edward and me by the other, more remote area of the football field.<p>

"Coach…" Edward smiled wryly. "Come on. You're not going to kick me out of the team for something like this, right?"

Coach's eyes narrowed. "I've always made my rules clear."

"I can –" I cleared my throat, scratching the side of my neck. "I'll step down as manager. Please don't let this affect Edward."

Edward frowned. "What the fuck, Bella?"

"You're more needed for the team," I said in a hushed voice.

Coach rolled his eyes – as in "I can't fucking believe this" – before giving us a pointed look. "Calm down, kids. No one's getting kicked out."

"Really?"

Coach snorted loudly. "Do you think I'm an idiot? Half my boys are dating behind my back anyway. We're talking about one old man against twenty seventeen-year-old boys, here."

Edward snickered. "You got that right."

Coach glared. "Shut up, Cullen."

Edward smirked at the ground, teeth sinking into his bottom lip.

"So I'll let this go only if…" Coach sighed. "Cullen, if you start to get distracted by Bella during the games, you're sitting out for the rest of the season. Got that? And Bella Swan." He sighed again. "You don't let this bastard touch you wherever, whenever, especially during a fucking pep rally. That's bad influence on the team."

Edward's smile widened so much that his teeth showed.

I stubbed Edward's foot with mine. "Yes, Coach."

"And you two _will_ maintain a two feet distance between your bodies when we're in soccer mode… starting now." Coach eyed us evenly. "Am I making myself clear?"

Totally intentionally, Edward made his hand slink around my wrist, and our fingers tangled together.

"Two feet, Edward," Coach growled.

This time, Edward wrung an arm around my neck and pulled my body to his; he totally knew that Coach would never cut him from the team.

Coach sensed this too, it seemed; the man rolled his eyes and walked away, although not before muttering, "Fucking teenagers."

* * *

><p>Edward helped me out of my leather jacket as we stepped into Tyler Crowley's house.<p>

"I don't want to be here." I desperately gazed up at him. "Seriously, why are we?"

"I never took you to a party before."

An involuntary smile touched my lips.

Then with a grin, he took my hand and brought it to the side of his stomach as he began to tow me down the hall.

I was slightly confused as I let him lead me, and I heard the rap music and some teenage laughter in the bigger room grow louder and louder.

"What up, Bella Swan!" someone hooted, and I was suddenly swept up from the back, into a pair of arms that wrapped around my stomach.

I kicked my feet in the air, shocked, and when I was put down, I realized that it was Harry.

"H – Hi." I stumbled back. If Harry was here… "Long time no see."

"Uh huh."

I looked to the side, and I wanted to die. "Uh… hi to you too, Royce. Must have missed you at the pep rally."

"Must have." Royce was smoking by the opened veranda, and with one last drag, he flicked the cigarette into the grass and flattened it. He smirked and nodded. "You too, Edward."

Edward never failed to surprise me with the poker face. He nodded too, with a hint of smile, and let my hand go.

"I'll be inside."

I blinked.

His green eyes chilled, but not unkindly. "You two catch up."

* * *

><p>"Thought you two fell apart." Harry lit a cigarette, and I noted that this time Royce didn't say anything about it. "Back together?"<p>

"Something like that," I whispered.

"How fucking adorable." Royce snatched his friend's lighter and lit another himself.

I crossed my arms.

"Missed you loads, by the way."

I smiled tightly. "How were your finals?"

"Ah, the typical girl move: deviating. Bella Swan's not so different from other girls, after all." Royce's cigarette was hanging out the corner of his mouth. "So what, I'm not allowed to miss you?"

"Wow. And you were so nice to me about everything when we were texting last night."

He shrugged. "Now that I _see _you two together, I can't help myself."

I glared, and the only thing that followed was an awful silence.

Harry whistled, quickly finishing his cigarette and walking off backward. He eyed us, all amused, before dodging back into the house.

"You know, you should break up with him. For good."

I did a double take. "What did you just say?"

"Just ditch the guy. The best advice anyone can give."

"What, are you my psychologist or something? Because trust me, you'd make a horrible shrink."

"Feisty again and not even drunk… And I agree, actually; I'd definitely be a horrible one." Royce took a last drag before throwing his head back and blowing the smoke out his pursed lips.

I sighed. "We should go in."

"I agree with that too; we definitely should." Royce brushed past me, and I didn't miss the hint of a smirk. "Before I try to whisk you away here and have you my way."

* * *

><p>This was my worst nightmare: Edward, Royce, Mike, and Emmett not only in the same room but also sitting in a circle among other people.<p>

I'd found yet another reason to hurt Lauren Mallory as she, in her drunken stupor, yelled, "Time for Truth or Dare!" and gathered a few people one by one.

"What are we, twelve?" Royce finished his iced beer, sighing with his chest.

I felt sick when I noticed that Alice Hale was the last addition to our big group.

"Lauren," I said immediately, "I don't want to be a part of this."

"Pooh! Stop being a party pooper!"

Other people also griped and moaned, and I desperately looked to Edward, who was all relaxed and slouched on the sofa beside me.

"Should be fun." He patted my thigh. "Relax."

I didn't know if his eyes were glassy from all the shots he'd taken already or from something else.

Resigned, I sat down again and eavesdropped as my female classmates tried to chat Royce up. Jessica gave me a wide-eyed look as she also took a seat, and her eyes darted between Royce and Edward.

If only she knew.

"I saw you talking with Royce earlier." I held his gaze. "What were you two talking about?"

But Lauren chose that moment to start the game, so I never got the answer.

I didn't think he was going to give me one in the first place, though.

* * *

><p>"Truth or Dare, Edward."<p>

Edward, with a mysterious smile, rolled his eyes. "Me again?"

Lauren smirked. "Yes, you again."

He let out a big sigh and smiled at me before studying at the circle of people – "Dare."

"Take your shirt off."

The boys scoffed, although not impolitely, while the girls cheered.

The cheers grew louder as he, unperturbed, shrugged out of his button-up and chucked it at Lauren's face.

"Happy, Madame President?"

"Very."

* * *

><p>"Truth or Dare…" Royce studied each individual in the circle, but I already knew whom he would choose. "Bella Swan."<p>

I'd played this game more than a few times in my life, and I usually knew which of the two was the safer choice given the environment and the players.

This time, neither truth nor dare seemed to be a good choice.

I looked up softly. "Truth."

Royce did not bat an eye. "What is the best thing Edward, as your boyfriend, has done for you?"

I blinked.

He smirked. "You have five seconds."

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Harry hooted, his hands cupping his mouth. "Burn!"

"Can't think of anything?" Royce eyed me coolly. "Or has he just done nothing for you?"

I twisted to Edward at my side, but he was bending to his side and popping open a bottle of beer.

"Royce, that's not fair." I shook my head. "You just caught me off guard."

Royce snorted. "Right."

Yeah, that stung.

* * *

><p>At this point, people who were not part of the game were starting to gather around us as well.<p>

"Truth or Dare, Edward."

This was the fourth time already, and it was Alice Hale asking this time.

Her grey eyes frightened me still, but I wasn't sure if I were frightened for myself or Edward.

The shirtless boy shook his head. "Truth. Why not?"

I wasn't the only one waiting with bated breath. To begin with, everyone seemed shocked at Alice's audacity for showing up tonight. She was famous for never being in a social – not to mention, party – scene.

"Truth?" Alice sat up straighter and narrowed her eyes. "Who are your ex-girlfriends? Rate them, and tell us how you broke up."

"Alice!" It was Emmett, and he was perfectly sober because he hadn't taken a single shot tonight.

"No, shh, McCarty!" Lauren impatiently glared. "Let her talk!"

"No, I'm done talking." Alice. "Why don't _you_ start talking instead, Edward?"

Edward smirked down at his hands. "Well, I've only had two girlfriends."

"Liar!" the girls barked.

Snickering, Edward said nothing to that.

My heart was hurting so much because even I – the one whom, in his words, he always let in too deep – couldn't see if _he _was hurting.

And he hadn't glanced in my direction since Royce asked me the question.

When he spoke of Rosalie's name, everyone quieted down. I watched every single person, wondering what they knew about her that I didn't know, and realizing that I didn't want to know anymore.

"Rosalie Hale." Edward's eyes at last – _at last_ – met mine. "We almost but never really broke up." His eyes stilled. "Rating?" His lips quirked up. "Ten out of ten."

Then – "Bella Swan."

The air turned awkward.

"Why did we break up? Because of me. And no rating…" The corner of his mouth went up farther as his stare went foggy. "… just because."

* * *

><p>"RJ! Truth or Dare."<p>

Royce looked up at Harry. "Truth."

From the circle of thirty people: "Boo! Man up!"

Lauren excitedly shushed everyone, though, and all the girls leaned forward, straining to hear better.

Harry, along with Royce, seemed more than bored, one because they really were too old for this, and second because most of the questions and commands so far had been incredibly childish.

I nervously bounced my knee but stopped as soon as Harry's eyes landed on me. I knew that perverted look.

"Time to turn this motherfucker up a notch," Harry crowed, "right, ladies and gentlemen?"

"Yeah!" people chorused back.

Harry rubbed his palms together.

I held my breath, thinking no, no, no and not even knowing why.

"So, RJ…" Harry turned to see me again, salaciously. "If Bella Swan were a food, what would she be and how would you eat her?"

Girls dramatically fanned themselves, and boys started to check me out.

Edward's eyes lazily went up from his lap to across the room where Royce sat.

Then people dissolved into drunken laughter as Royce muttered, "Are we talking about kissing or fucking?"

"I don't know," Harry joked. "You tell us, naughty boy."

Royce flexed his arms and leaned back on his palms. He snatched a plastic cup from his side, and not even checking to see if it were his, drank it down to the last drop. "Well, FYI, she and I are _way _past the kissing part. And I don't know about what food she is, but…"

I shut my eyes, waiting for an answer although I didn't want to know what it would be.

"Just go ask Bella." Royce's eyes, now on me, were piercing. Vindictive. "How _did_ I eat you?"

The whole room erupted in volume, whooping and howling.

"What are you talking about?" I hissed over the voices, standing up. "That's not true!"

I desperately looked at Mike, but he was scowling at the floor in disgust. Emmett too had a serious face and wasn't meeting eyes with anyone.

Girls started to giggle and whisper to each other. Jessica did too, but she saw my horrified face and slowly stopped.

I couldn't look at Edward, but I knew that he was looking at me.

* * *

><p>My stomach twisted and knotted, and although I was breathing perfectly okay, I felt as though I wasn't breathing okay.<p>

Holding onto the rail by the banister, I angrily kicked my heels off.

"You okay?"

My hold on the rail tightened. "No."

Emmett attempted a smile. "Your feet hurt that much?"

I opened my mouth, closed it, and opened again. "Yeah."

"You wanna switch shoes?" He was wearing comfortable tennis shoes, and at my dubious look, he held his hands up. "I mean it."

I laughed breathlessly, shaking my head. "No thank you."

Standing opposite of me, he rested himself against the wall and crossed his arms and ankles. "So why are you here? Where's Edward?"

"I don't know." I looked down to the first floor, where people were playing Spin the Bottle now. The circle was much smaller, though; Edward, Royce, and Alice were gone, although Mike was still part of it. I frowned as I watched him make out with Lauren Mallory. "I told him I didn't want to come."

He frowned. "So did you guys get into an argument, you know, after the game?"

I shook my head and pretended to fix my skirt.

"Oh." Emmett's face turned ominous. "Well, you two looked pretty happy at the pep rally."

The pep rally seemed days ago.

"Why is it that you two can never just…" Emmett scowled, "… just move along in one straight line? Don't get me wrong, but for real."

"I know." I managed to smile, although miserably. "Maybe it's commitment phobia on his part?"

He barked out a random laugh, with all his stomach, and his lips pressed into a smirk. "I _highly_ doubt that."

"What – hey, why is this funny?"

"It's _hilarious_ – I mean, do you hear yourself?" he breathed, hands in his pockets. "You two are completely codependent on each other."

I let the words sink in.

"Trust me." He scoffed to himself and muttered, "You two are _committed_, all right."

* * *

><p>I wanted to get out of here.<p>

"Edward's in the kitchen."

Breathless, I pirouetted and saw Mike Newton.

And I couldn't look at him straight because I'd caught him making out with more than a few girls after Lauren Mallory.

I knew I wasn't in the position to judge, but it bugged me that he was sober all through it.

"Thanks." I smiled awkwardly and rushed that way.

And I found that a number of people were surrounding the kitchen island, and they opened up as I tried to slip through them.

Sitting across from one another were Edward and Royce, both drunk stupid.

They couldn't even sit straight on their stools, and girls willingly stood behind them and kept them from keeling in any direction.

There were shots lined between them, and Tyler supplied the booze every time the boys knocked back each and every.

Unbelievable.

I blinked frantically. "What is going on here?"

"Uh, this is called a drinking game?"

"Yeah, but why are they doing this?"

He shrugged. "It's the gentlemen's fistfight."

"What?"

"It's a guy thing." Tyler smirked. "Welcome to the men's world, Swan."

I began to say something, but the clapping crowd swallowed the words as Royce licked his lips and slammed down his newly empty glass.

Edward, eyes barely open, followed.

I watched in horror as they raised another glass to their lips.

Then Edward recognized my presence, his smile more lopsided than usual.

"You're drunk," I whispered.

"I'm not," he drawled.

"Let's go home." I urged him with my eyes. "Hey – enough – put that down." I sighed. "I'll drive you."

"Bella." He couldn't even hold up his head right. "I don't look drunk, right?"

"You're completely drunk, bro." Royce touched my hand and got my attention. He wasn't in any better condition. "But I'm not. Because I'm completely sober."

"Royce," I whispered, furious with him but resigned, "you should find Harry and go home too."

"But we're not done." Edward ripped Royce's hand off me and pulled me to his side. "You're not gonna bail out now, are you?"

"Fuck no." Royce flicked a finger at Tyler. "Another round."

"Aye, aye, Captain."

And I was stunned speechless as Edward and Royce continued to knock back vodka as if it were beer.

They didn't hold out for much longer and eventually passed out together. With that, the snickering crowd dispersed.

"Boys," Jessica whispered from my side as I hauled Edward's arm over my neck.

She stared at me sympathetically as she promised to take Royce to Harry, and I could barely make eye contact with her as I dragged Edward out the backdoor.

* * *

><p>I struggled as I led Edward to my truck, and as soon as we reached it, I dug through my purse. I couldn't find my keys, though, and belatedly remembered that Edward had driven us here.<p>

I patted down his pockets and found them there.

I twisted the car key in the hole but froze as I realized that there was a new addition to the key ring.

I was more than a little confused when Edward unexpectedly shoved me into the door and came in between my legs.

He tasted my lips. He reeked of alcohol, and I stuck my hands on his chest, pushing.

But he wasn't stopping. He grabbed my face, forcefully hoisted my body up, and wound my legs around his waist.

Then he pressed his hips into me, and his jeans were rubbing a little too hard against my underwear. He was grinding into me so hard that he could have been sliding in and out of me if it weren't for our clothes

I craned my neck backward, gasping. "Wait. Just a second, stop!"

And he did.

His eyes held a simper when they met mine; he seemed amused. But the simper died as he scrutinized me from my neck to where my thighs stayed wrapped around him.

As abruptly he'd stopped, he began to kiss me again as if he was going to find out how far this would go.

Soon, he was reaching for the button and zipper of his jeans, and I watched all this in a daze.

Then he was pulling my underwear down to my knees, and I realized with a jolt that he was serious about taking me right now in the middle of the street.

"No, no, wait. Your house," I promised desperately, "not here."

He slapped a hand on the window, scaring me.

Our chests rose and fell, and with each rise, they met.

"Why not?" he said quietly.

"Too public," I whispered back, "and no condom, remember?"

He put sloppy, lazy kisses on the area behind my ear. "Only I get to have you. Goddamn it. Just _me._"

I ran my hand down the back of his hair and let my legs go loose.

Edward was oddly submissive as I opened the door and helped him in.

I shoved my key into the ignition, and once again, I stared at the new key – Edward's house key – dangling from my key ring.

Before I started to drive, I leaned over and kissed Edward's forehead.

"Thank you," I told him quietly.

He barely acknowledged my gesture, though, and all I could see were his dull but stormy eyes.

At the moment, he was a stranger.

He wasn't the pretending boy I'd always known, and something told me that this also wasn't the hidden side of him.

I couldn't put a finger on what he was now.

* * *

><p>"Edward. Edward. Edward."<p>

Heat rising to my cheeks, eyelids heavy, mouth apart, I moaned his name over and over again.

He fingered me gently and quickly, harshly and slowly, and my body was melting into the sheets below me.

"Bella," Edward whispered from above me.

"Mm?"

"Did you really fuck him?"

I froze, suddenly wide awake, but his finger continued to steadily pulse in and out of me.

His gaze was full of chaos. "Who did you sleep with?"

"Just you," I whispered.

"No, other than me." His finger pushed into me harder, like torture. "Who did you sleep with, Bella?"

"Nobody." I swallowed, squirming when he brushed a thumb over my clit. "Just you. Only you. I swear."

"Stop lying." His fingers moved more violently, but his words were soft. "It's okay. You can tell me. I won't get angry."

I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm telling you the truth. Royce lied – he was lying."

The frantic rolling of his fingers inside me felt slightly uncomfortable now, and I wanted to tell him. But he slapped a hand on the floorboard beside my face as he climbed over me.

Our eyes connected, and – "I can't trust you," he whispered finally.

He slowly pushed inside me, and I moaned.

As always, he slammed inside me, grunting and adjusting me the way he wanted me.

I wasn't really into it, and continued to stare blankly up at the ceiling until he finished and passed out on top of me.

Under his weight, my body quickly turned so numb that I could hardly feel it, but my heart felt even number.

* * *

><p>Edward drifted out of his sleep half an hour later when someone rang the doorbell.<p>

I prodded his shoulders. "I'll get it."

I forwent the underwear, and languidly dressed into the clothes that were within my reach.

I twisted the knob and pushed the front door.

"Alice?" I breathed in shock.

And her eyes were boring into my chest – at Edward's white shirt.

"I was just…" I squirmed. "Did you need something?"

Without a word, she held up Edward's jacket.

"Oh, right, thank you." I hurriedly reached for it. "I guess I forgot."

I folded the jacket over my arm, but she remained.

I saw her jaw twitch.

"How did you seduce him?"

I froze. "Excuse me?"

"You're nothing special." Her voice was quiet, and for some reason, she looked more frail than usual. "So how did you manage to seduce Edward?"

Feeling dizzy, I supported my weight on the doorknob.

"Tell me." At her sides, her fists clenched. "How did you? Why can't you just let him be?" Her voice grew louder. "I liked him first! Before Rose, before you, before everyone else!"

"I just…"

Her lower lip trembled and her eyes were lined with fresh tears.

I kept my head high. "I love him."

"And you think he feels the same way about you?"

I looked away.

I _fell _in love with someone. I didn't choose be in love. I fell, and because I did, I couldn't stop even if I wanted to.

"Alice? Why are you here so late?"

I glimpsed over my shoulder and saw Edward, groggy and fatigued, all topless and in his jeans.

He approached us.

I wasn't sure if he meant it when he pushed me to the side and put himself between her and me – because this time, it didn't feel like he was being protective of me.

"Can I come in?" she asked brightly.

"No."

Edward slowly glanced down at me, face emotionless.

The word had left my lips so instinctively.

"I mean…" I desperately clutched onto his arm. "It's late, and – Alice, you should probably get home –"

"Don't mind her, Alice," he cut in.

My hand dropped.

My stare stayed trained on their legs as Alice stepped in. She brushed past me, and he followed.

"Hey, Alice?" he said.

"Yeah?"

"You should spend the night." Edward was looking at me though. "Like you did almost all of February."

I stared back at him. I didn't know how I felt, but my heart did.

Then he moved away, and so did his vacant eyes.

* * *

><p>"Why are you doing this to me?"<p>

Edward poured a glass of water for himself, ignoring me.

"Edward." I had to work very hard to keep my voice low, because Alice was in the other room – the other room where his boxers and my underwear still lay all over the floor. "Is this about Royce?"

He was getting tired of my tone, I could tell, and he retrieved a bottle of water from the drawer – for Alice.

"Edward!" I blocked his path with my arms spread wide. "Seriously, do you hear me at all?"

No smile. No chaos. "Yes."

I faltered before raising my head higher. "Then tell me what I was talking about."

"And why do I have to do that? I said I heard it all, didn't I?"

Then he brushed past me, bumping my shoulder a little too roughly.

* * *

><p>"I'm going to start throwing up all over the place in a few hours."<p>

Alice giggled. "Ew!"

Edward slipped out a smile, but it diminished as soon as his eyes landed on me.

I needed fresh air, and I rushed to the door.

He didn't stop me.

* * *

><p>Five minutes on the porch step, I saw a car glide in.<p>

I covered my eyes, blinded by the headlights, as a familiar silhouette appeared and stalked up in my direction.

"Hi, Emmett." I managed a weary smile, and glanced at his hip and the bag hanging by it. "Did Edward leave that at Tyler's too?"

"Yeah, and I was the only sober one there to drive." He cocked his head, trying to look through the dark windows. "Is Edward okay?"

"Yeah, as okay as someone can get after drinking that much."

"Right…" Then Emmett scowled as he took a closer inspection on me. "Why are you so pale?"

"I'm always pale." Avoiding his suspicious probing stare, I prodded the soccer bag off his shoulder. "I got it. Thanks."

He nodded carefully, stepping back.

I waved a tiny goodbye, smiling weakly again.

Then Emmett's back was to me.

And before I could help it, I called out his name.

He immediately retraced all his steps. "What's up, Bella?"

I took in a shaky breath. "Can you take me out on a short drive? I need to get out of here for a little while."

* * *

><p>I fluffed Edward's shirt over myself, growing self-conscious every second because I was completely naked underneath that layer.<p>

I hoped Emmett didn't notice.

I placed a hand over my heart and tried to breathe in and out okay, because my pulse was running wild, and I could feel it throb at my throat.

I just barley managed to smile when Emmett rolled the window down.

He glimpsed at me before watching the road again. "You look warm."

"Sort of, I guess."

Silence.

"Who's in the house, Bella?"

I let the wind mess with my hair. "Alice."

Emmett nodded.

"Where are we headed?" I murmured.

"Nowhere." The car made a louder vroom as it sped up. "We'll be within town limits, though."

"Okay."

We fell into silence again, but the wind was whipping at my ear and everything was in fact too loud.

A part of me wanted Emmett to crack his funny jokes, but a bigger part was grateful that he didn't.

"Whenever you're ready to go back," he told me later.

I smirked, although he couldn't see it. "That's going to be a while."

* * *

><p>And it did take a while.<p>

Emmett pulled out his key from the ignition and looked at me.

In the awkwardness, I shoved his shoulder, and he actually swayed a little.

"Why so serious?" I purposefully wore a bigger smile than usual and reached for the door. "I'll go now. Sorry for the late night, totally random favor. I would have gone home, but I didn't want to leave my things in the house. And I would have gone driving myself, but I wasn't sure I could drive… I'm rambling, aren't I? Okay. I'll really go."

"Wait, Bella."

"Hmm?"

He didn't say anything for a while.

I raised my eyebrows, waiting.

"You stay put." He unbuckled his seatbelt. "I'll check and see if he's in there. The lights are off, so… yeah."

I watched in confusion as Emmett slid out of his seat.

I decided to follow.

"I got this. Trust me," he teased as he crossed the driveway, but I shook my head stubbornly.

I did wait by the door as I was told, though, as he slipped through the front door.

I wrung my hands in front of me and rocked on my feet.

I heard no noise inside.

Frowning, I popped my head through the door and said in a loud whisper, "Emmett?"

Silence.

Then – shuffling of feet back in my direction – "Yeah, Bella?"

"Is Edward in there?"

Again, silence.

I stealthily slipped through the door.

Then an odd realization hit me, and I swiftly turned to look back outside.

Edward's car.

Mine.

Emmett's.

And another car.

Alice's?

Emmett appeared in front of me.

"He's not here." With a hand on my waist, he pushed until I was back to straddling the porch and the house. "And he hates it when people snoop."

I held up a hand and walked back in. "I'll be quick. I didn't bring a lot of things."

He followed behind me. "Bella."

Just I turned the corner that led to the living room, Emmett gave me a whiplash by towing me back toward the front door. His hand, around my wrist, was calloused and rough, and his strides were wide and fast.

Back outside, Emmett slammed the door close and faced me.

He cringed, lips twisting.

And my legs gave away.

He readily caught me.

Out of the blue, I felt something run down my face, and amazed, I blindly padded my cheek only to feel moisture.

Tears.

I didn't even know that I'd started to cry.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Lately, I've been typically updating once a week, so I'm very sorry about the "delay" with this chapter (at least this chapter's lengthy!). I'm actually in Tokyo right now on this nerdy science symposium trip, and I am, for once, immersed in plant productivity and anthropology instead of fanfiction and Twilight, you know what I mean? So, so busy (and stressful), but I really thought I should post a new chapter ASAP and worked all night :) phew. Tell me what you think.

Sarah


	37. Chapter 36

**CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX**

* * *

><p>"Do you…" Emmett reached for my shoulder just as Edward's shirt slipped off it, but he took his hand back before it touched. "Do you want me to get your stuff for you?"<p>

"No." In a trance, I watched through the windshield as Alice's car drove off. "It's okay."

I still stared off into the road she'd taken, even when the red taillights disappeared.

"Bella."

She was gone, now.

"Bella. Come on, you're scaring me."

My body was so cold, and I couldn't really think anything. I didn't know what I was thinking at all.

All I knew was that if I didn't dress out of this shirt as soon as possible, I was going to throw up.

I extended a hand to the door, but Emmett's hand patted it down.

Something inside me flared, and I roughly pushed him away.

He was very surprised.

I popped the door open and stepped out.

My legs were still darn close to giving away, though.

Suddenly, it was hard for me to breathe.

I was frozen to the spot as Emmett rushed to my side and pulled me into an awkward hug.

"Calm down and breathe," he insisted, for a second holding me at arm's length and eyeing me. "Breathe in. Breathe out. _Breathe_."

He breathed in and out, exaggeratedly and slowly, like demonstrating how it was done. And I nodded back frantically, because I really was trying to do so.

But I couldn't.

"Emmett, I –" I blinked wildly at the tears that were building up faster than ever. I tore at the lapels of the shirt I was wearing, disgusted and wanting to rip it off because it smelled like him. "I told him I loved him. And when he said he was finally mine to have, I – I believed him –"

"I know," he whispered. "I know."

Did he?

"But if he's mine, then why –?" I frowned and thought hard, trying to make sense of all this. "Why would he –?"

"Okay," he cut in, prodding me backward, "I'm going in. You – you go back in the car."

"No." Again, I angrily shook him off. I clenched my jaw, so hard that the muscles there quivered. "I said I can do it myself."

He groaned and stepped aside.

I managed a few steps, but just that much, as I wobbled and crumbled forward on my knees and palms.

When people fell, usually they tried to rise back instantly.

This wasn't the case for me today. I stayed fallen, on my knees, and gazing at the grit below me.

I heard rushed footsteps before feeling a warm pair of hands, and they looped below my armpits and raised me.

"No, you obviously can't." Emmett sighed and brushed the dirt off my scraped knees and hands. "Shit. You're bleeding, Bella."

"I am?"

My heart thundered as the lights inside the house suddenly came on.

Yeah, I was bleeding all over. Inside and out.

* * *

><p>It was that feeling – my heart was beating so hard and all over the place that it was increasingly difficult for me to breathe properly – that my body didn't feel like my body because it felt so jittery. I was lightheaded, and there was fear spreading from my shoulders to fingers.<p>

And it felt as though the room was closing in on me.

My hand was shaking as I followed the trail of my clothes and picked up each article: blouse, stockings, bra…

For a split second, I glimpsed over to him.

He sat by the fireplace, knee propped up, fingers playing with the buckle of his belt.

When our eyes met, I quickly looked down. My wide, bewildered eyes stayed away from him from then on, as I continued collecting, one by one, with hands now vibrating out of control.

He noticed my hands.

Quietly, I went to the restroom and dressed out of his shirt as if I couldn't get out of it fast enough. I threw my own clothes back on and rushed out, not even giving much thought as I, with pent up ire, balled up his shirt and threw it on the floor.

I stumbled down the hall, eyes only on the front door.

I had to get out.

Fast.

My feet shuffled loudly against the wood.

And Emmett was waiting.

He was right outside, hands in his pockets, digging his toes into the dirt, waiting for me.

I had to get out.

"Where are you going?"

I jerked to a stop.

"Home." I felt chills down my spine. "Because I don't belong here."

Edward rose.

And I could do so many things. I _wanted_ to do so many things – like kick him, slap him, yell at him, shatter his heart into pieces.

But he had a heart of stone, didn't he?

Later.

I would do all that later, not now.

Later, when I could be properly angry.

Because right now, I was just hurt all over, and had no space left to feel anything else.

I had to get out.

I couldn't help but stare as he loomed closer still. And suddenly, he was just two feet away from me, staring me down in return.

I blinked slowly, making one last attempt to see through that cold, shatterproof facade he wore.

"I don't want to be with you anymore," I told him.

His eyes narrowed.

"This time I mean it." I looked away from his face because I felt as though I was drowning. "I don't want you."

He was still just looking at me.

"I don't want you either," he said finally.

Slowly, I turned my back on him and reached for the door.

I could hear him walking away.

My eyes smarted.

I hated the way his mind worked.

I hated that he didn't care.

I hated him.

"Why did you do it?" I asked.

He stopped.

I swiftly turned back and stepped forward. "Why did you do it?"

Then I was retracing my steps, narrowing the distance all over again, because tears were blurring my view and I _had_ to see what he looked like in closer view.

I didn't really know why I asked him the question, though.

Maybe I thought he'd answer, "Do what?"

I was just asking, really.

But the silence that followed – that deafening silence – in which he left everything unanswered.

And then he did say it: "What are you talking about?"

But his face told me he knew exactly what I was talking about.

Lies.

More lies.

"Why did you sleep with her?"

His eyes flashed but never hid from me.

"Why not? I can't sleep with other girls?"

Suddenly, my weak, trembling body found the strength to tear my whole world apart.

I stroke him across the face, realizing that I'd done this only after I heard the sharp crack as my hand connected to his skin.

I pounded a fist on his chest, but he grabbed it before I pounded the second time.

"All along," I said, back in a daze, "I thought I was still someone special to you. But seeing the cold way you look at me right now, even while everything is falling apart, I am finally, truly realizing that I was anything but."

With those words, I ran out.

Emmett watched me go without a fight, and I cried the whole way home.

* * *

><p>"Sorry for the last-minute notice."<p>

"No, no, I mean, it's a complication, but it's okay. Although…" Coach clicked his tongue, scrutinizing me.

"Yes?"

"Nothing, kid." He sighed and scratched his head, flipping through a bunch of files. "But can you manage for the next few more days? While I find a replacement."

I stared out the window to the soccer field.

I could see him.

I nodded at Coach.

I followed him out his classroom as we headed outdoors.

He sighed again, this time smirking down at me, as he held up a purple ruler. "I guess I won't really need this, then, huh?"

"What were you going to use it for?" I asked quietly.

"I was very determined to make sure you and Edward were two feet apart for the rest of the season." He tapped one end of the plastic ruler to his palm. "I guess it will be just a few days."

I just nodded again, and ignored how much my heart hurt.

* * *

><p>Mike noticed.<p>

And something told me that he totally intended to get himself in trouble during practice – by "forgetting" his uniform – when Coach yelled, "You know the rules, Newton! You break one, you pay. Without that jersey, you're not part of team. Swan! You can take a break. Mr. Newton here will take your post."

"Mike." I frowned. "What are you –"

He smirked down at me. "Go rest, Bella."

And so Mike was the one climbing over the fence every two or so minutes to retrieve the soccer balls that would fly out the field.

* * *

><p>Mike got into more trouble – this time, it was definitely intentional – as he dove in for a soccer tackle that was bad enough to earn him a red card if this were a real game.<p>

Edward winced, caressing his ankle.

"Sorry, Edward," Mike said insincerely as Coach dashed to the two.

"Swan!" Coach cried.

I stood up.

"Get some ice!"

* * *

><p>It was very strange, because I was so calm.<p>

Maybe I still wasn't quite ready to get mad.

Then I realized that I hadn't directly looked at Edward all day, not this morning, not in between classes, and definitely not in English… because I was coward enough to ask Mr. Wilkins if I could change seats with Tyler.

This felt real. Maybe I'd finally had enough.

I hated that I'd finally had enough.

I kept my stare checked as I gently pulled Edward's sneaker off him and placed the ice pack on top of his bruising ankle.

We stayed that way, and other noises from the field sounded far away.

I smiled as a worried Emmett dropped by, eyes flying between Edward and me, and he took a sip of water.

"Everything okay, Bella?" Emmett asked cautiously.

"No."

Emmett blinked.

"I'm kidding." I swallowed and looked down at Edward's foot. "Everything's… okay."

"Oh…" Emmett nodded awkwardly. "Okay, let me know if… you know, when it's not."

I suppressed a smile. "Sure."

I hated how Emmett said "when."

Then I wondered if Edward, just a few feet across from me, was looking at me.

I wondered if he thought this was awkward.

I wondered if he was remorseful.

I wondered if he was going to try to win me back again.

I doubted it, but I still wondered how I would respond to that if it so happened.

And I wondered if he knew – that my heart had turned as hard as his after all the things he'd put me through.

And I hated that after nearly eight months, this was all that was left of us – Edward and me.

* * *

><p>Another thing that was strange – no one, including the rest of the soccer team, seemed to care that Edward and I were suddenly back to "off."<p>

The whole school thought we were going to be back together any day – just like every other time before.

But I knew this time: _never._

"Bella's my PPD."

My eyes widened as they located Mike.

The boys around him grinned at me, and Mike held up his thumb with a cheesy grin.

"PPD…" I trailed off, "… as in the universal abbreviation for Potential Prom Date?"

"Yep. I'm gonna ask you, so be ready, okay?"

I gave him a dirty look. "Who told you I'm going to prom?"

"Nobody, but I'm dead serious about asking." He gave me a dead serious face before breaking out into a grin.

I couldn't help but return it, and I fleetingly glimpsed over to Edward, who'd just hauled his soccer bag over his shoulder and was heading out the gates alone. He spoke not a single word, even as some freshmen boys tried to tell him bye.

Then someone groaned.

Emmett.

But Mike was also too busy staring after his other friend trudging up the stairs to notice the sound.

"But you're not allowed to date the manager!" someone pointed out.

"It's just a date to prom, you idiot."

"Dating, taking out on a date. Tomato, tomato."

"Well, first off," Mike said tiredly, "Bella's not really the manager anymore, so you can go fuck yourself."

"What?" Seth popped out of nowhere and looked at me.

I blinked up at all the boys that were starting to create a ring around me.

Seth's jaw dropped. "Are you serious? Shit, Bella, I'm sorry for having been a brat all this time, but don't quit on us!"

All hell broke loose.

"What? You can't quit being manager!"

"You're the best we got!"

"We are so fucked."

I rolled my eyes and stood up, squeezing in between smelly, sweaty bodies.

"Sorry, guys." I couldn't help but let my eyes still follow the redhead as he now disappeared through the locker rooms. "I've already decided."

* * *

><p>For me, when it came to hurting, it was exactly that – hurting.<p>

Now, when it came to that, it was quite numbing.

Maybe this was a sign that enough was… enough.

"Yo, Bella!"

I plastered a grin, turning. "Hi."

Seth, Eric, Mike, and Emmett came running in my direction. Seth still seemed sullen about my quitting the team; Eric seemed uncomfortable for some reason; Mike was grinning back; and Emmett – his eyes were darting all over my face, watching me as if I would explode any second now.

"No need to be," I assured him, although the three other boys frowned in question. "I'm breathing, see?"

And we laughed.

But he didn't look convinced.

Was I that unconvincing?

"So we were thinking," Seth began before glimpsing at Emmett.

Emmett shrugged and gestured for the other boy to go on.

I raised my eyebrows, curious.

"All right, the team and some cheerleaders are thinking about going out to Port Angeles tonight. Someone's throwing a party, and all of the PA soccer team's supposed to be there. So, you know, we want to start some pregame war of nerves there – Forks style."

"Sounds great." I smacked my lips together. "But how exactly do I fit into those plans?"

Seth laughed. "Obviously, we want you to come with us."

"I don't think I belong in this crew anymore."

"No, you're still kind of part of the team. And this is a unanimous decision; the team _wants _you to come."

Unanimous. "Edward too?"

"Nah. Didn't vote."

"Oh." I paused. "But is Edward going too? To the party?"

"He said yes yesterday, but when we literally asked him right now, he said no."

"Oh, okay. Then I'll go. What time?"

"I'll pick you up," Emmett offered. "It's easier that way."

"Thanks, Em."

Then Eric snorted.

We all looked at him.

He sniffed awkwardly. "What? Edward just asked us the same thing, didn't he? If Bella was going to be there. When we told him she probably will, he turned us down."

* * *

><p>"There are so many smokin' hot guys at PAHS," Jessica had promised me over the phone. "So dress hot, okay? You better!"<p>

"But I thought this was a pregame war of nerves or something."

"Exactly. We _have_ to look hotter than those PA bitches."

Weird, I thought.

But in the end, I dressed into the prettiest clothes I owned, wore my makeup a bit darker than usual, and took significantly longer time crimping the bottom half of my hair.

Emmett called my home phone just minutes after I was done getting ready, telling me that he would pick me up in an hour.

I said I was okay with it.

I had something to do beforehand anyway.

Right before I walked out of my room, I studied myself and the cardboard box in my arms through the mirror one last time, trying to foresee what Edward would see when I would turn up at his door looking exactly like this in a few minutes.

* * *

><p>Maybe I knew him well.<p>

He seemed to be as calm and as unbothered as I foresaw him to be.

I'd seen the face so many times that it made my stomach turn. Made me sick.

He leaned on the doorway, arms crossed, as I carefully placed the box at his feet.

He didn't ask me what it was, because both he and I could easily see:

His baseball cap, one he'd given me.

His school shirt, which I'd stolen from him one night.

His plaid shirt, another thing he let me take.

And a lot of more clothes – ones he let me take because girlfriends wore their boyfriends' clothes, right?

But I never realized until I started packing last night that he'd given me so many things to remember; they'd all piled up.

"They're all yours," I told him softly.

He didn't even flinch.

I kept my eyes on his feet; I blankly noticed that his left foot had swollen up more. "I'll take my things now, if that's okay?"

I quietly excused myself and brushed past him.

And I realized once more that I'd left behind so much of myself in this house, in return; everything must have accumulated over time.

I took my toothbrush.

Hand sanitizer.

Clothes. Again a lot of clothes – and underwear.

Lotion.

Textbooks.

Battery charger.

Razor.

Even tampons.

Earrings.

Some makeup.

I stuffed as many things in my small backpack and carried others in my arms.

When I returned to the door, I noticed that he hadn't moved one bit.

He stared at the ground as though it was the most important thing in the world.

But when I quietly took out his key, our eyes connected.

His, in the sun, were positively blinding and shockingly jolting.

I traced the silver key in my fingers one last time, just now grasping that I never got to use it.

And he was saying something with his eyes, but I was blocking him out, because whatever he said, I would believe. I didn't want to believe anymore.

"You are just like her," he said out of the blue. "Too bad I had to fall for the same kind of girl."

I held his gaze.

Things I learned from love:

How to give love.

How to try again and again.

How to be jealous.

How to care.

How to be vulnerable.

How to share.

Did he know? That I'd always, _always_ loved him? That every time I loved him, he didn't? That I knew that some part of me was still in love with him, because love never died quickly?

"You always had me." I bit my bottom lip, hard. "And I know you felt much more love than you showed me. I gave you everything, but you shook me off like a worthless piece of garbage."

"So you decided to run off and sleep with someone else?"

My bottom lip trembled.

"Why did you sleep with him?"

Things I was learning as this was coming to an end:

How to be patient.

How to ignore.

How to cry alone.

How to carry on –

"And what business is it of yours?" I whispered back.

– How to lie.

"I don't know why I was never enough for you," I said, voice cracking. "Why was I never enough?"

He said nothing, still.

Why didn't he _know_? That he'd always _had _me – that I just needed him to find that out for himself?

And I thought he was finally starting to realize that; I was wrong.

"Answer me." I pushed his shoulders, each shove getting stronger. A cry bubbled out of my mouth. "Edward, answer me!"

He didn't answer.

"I've always tried so hard to understand!" I wiped the tears, ignoring that I was wearing makeup. "You tell me what's wrong with our relationship – tell me what's wrong with us!"

He didn't waver. "You and I were growing too dependent on each other."

Another tear fell as I froze.

"_You two are completely codependent on each other."_

My hands slid down his chest and finally returned to my sides.

"When you told me we should wait –" His eyes were scary static. "– we should have stopped there."

I raised my head higher, pressing down the ache and keeping my stare strong. "Then I guess this is a good thing. You and I can be better off now – separately."

"I agree."

Sometimes, love could break as easily as snow.

"By the way, you can just throw this away. I don't want any of it." He kicked the cardboard box. "And if you by any chance find anything more, you can get rid of those things too."

I stared, at a loss, and something was beginning to crush in my chest.

"It's all garbage," he told me.

Garbage.

A deluge of memories flooded my mind, especially those when we were lost in each other's eyes…

Was any of it real?

He popped himself off the doorway with his good foot, picking up the box full of everything he and I shared, and dumped it on the area below his porch.

It was _he _who was supposed to be getting punished, not me, but it felt like the opposite. Always the opposite.

Then he was walking back up the porch steps, hands in his pockets, and slipping past me as if I weren't even there anymore.

"I'm sorry," I said, numb, "but I have just too much… _garbage _so it's going to take me a while to get rid of all of them."

Edward's eyes momentarily flashed down to me before averting.

"You should go now, Bella."

He closed the door.

Love was dead.

It wasn't planning to come back.

* * *

><p>Almost everyone was too busy doing whatever they were doing to realize that I was taking my shots a little faster than I should be.<p>

"Damn, Bella. Slow the fuck down!" Jessica watched me weirdly. "You don't want to get too drunk now. The night's young."

I ignored her.

I tossed my head back and felt the burn as the alcohol slinked down my throat. I stayed like that, eyes toward the ceiling, for longer than a moment, because my eyes were moistening and I didn't want Jessica to see.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" she cried in alarm, as I started to lose my balance and tip back. She caught me a split second before I tumbled backward on the stool. "Fucking hell…"

She quickly poured some orange juice, saying it helped neutralize the alcohol, but I refused.

Then she was yelling someone over, but her voice was barely a gargle so I didn't know for sure.

I bent over the table, blinking because the world was slowly toppling sideward for some reason, and twisted my head to the side when I heard shuffling close to my ear.

I knew I was smiling stupid but I couldn't help it. "Hiya, Mike."

Jessica and Mike exchanged a long look.

Then they talked in hushed whispers, and Mike raised an eyebrow.

Jessica sighed, leaving me, as Mike sat me up properly.

"Stop." I wriggled. "I'm not done drinking."

"I'm not going to stop you." After he helped me back up to a nice posture, he took Jess's seat and prepared himself a shot, all with Gatorade and vodka. "I'll drink with ya."

I smiled again.

He smiled back.

"Mike."

"What?"

"Jessica keeps telling me I'm drunk, but I'm really not." I blinked. "Like, okay, my body feels weird, but I'm thinking straight, you know?"

"Mhm." He scrutinized me. "But you do know you're speaking _really_ slowly?"

"I am?"

He nodded.

"So I _am_ drunk."

"Guess so."

I giggled for no reason.

"You're getting better at drinking, aren't you?"

I licked my lips. "Mhm."

He tossed back his shot.

Again, I giggled – harder and harder.

Soon, I was grabbing my bouncing stomach, doubling over.

Mike was frowning but smiling at the same time, and then I was looking straight at him. I was giggling even harder, and suddenly it turned into a full, hysterical laughter.

"You… okay?" he said weirdly.

"Yeah, yeah." I kept laughing. "I'm fine."

"All right." Mike snorted loudly. "Easy, Swan."

And then I was choking on something and my eyes were smarting.

Before I knew it, I was slightly gasping and crying without much sound.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Emmett.

I hunched over the table, groaning and tightening my hand around the small glass, as I continued to laugh and cry at the same time.

"Are you crying?"

"No."

I felt Emmett taking the seat on the other side of me, gently prodding me so I could lean on his shoulder.

Just as gently, I righted myself and shook my head.

"No," I said. "Thanks, but I can take care of myself."

And I smiled as Mike bumped our drinks together, saying a quiet, "That's the Bella Swan I know. Cheers, then."

Emmett frowned. "Mike, I don't think you should encourage her."

"What are you talking about? We gotta celebrate this." Mike sounded playful and bitter at the same time. He'd really changed a lot during these past several weeks… I wondered why. "So, Bella, how does it feel to be _really_ single again? Pretty darn good, right?"

Nodding, I laughed again. "We should make a club for singles."

Mike snickered.

"And guess what I figured out?"

"Mm." Mike sighed. "Do share."

"You know how you need two people to be in a relationship?"

He nodded.

"It sucks that you just need one of the two to fall out of it."

* * *

><p>"Is that RJ?"<p>

Emmett abruptly stood up, scanning the crowd, before groaning. "Of course that's him. What are the odds?"

Mike stared, over the rim of his drinking glass. "His friend is throwing this party, remember?"

Emmett glanced down at me and then at Mike.

Mike nodded. "Yeah, keep him away from her."

"I hate Royce," I muttered weakly. "It's good that you're keeping him away. If I see him, I might just kill him."

Mike barked out a sharp laugh. "Not exactly the reason we're trying to keep him away from you, but okay. Easy there, tiger."

I watched him, amused, then his thumb swept across my cheek.

I gasped and sat up, patting off the moisture. "Gosh, sorry. I didn't even realize."

He gave me a funny look. "Don't apologize."

I relaxed my body again, laying my head on my folded arms on the table.

Everything in my view swam, like Mike's face, the dancing bodies of people around us, and the room itself.

Mike quietly popped open a new beer and took a swig.

"So how is intimidating the rival team turning out?"

"Pretty good, actually."

I closed my eyes. "Cool."

Silence.

"Mike?"

"Hmm?"

"It hurts."

"Love hurts."

I liked his mischievous tone. "So much."

He stiffened a little.

I smiled lazily.

"Don't look at me like that, Bella."

But how was I looking at him?

I blinked languidly. The pain inside me was unbearable; I wondered if he knew that I was bending over the table because I simply couldn't keep myself upright.

"Mike." I paused a little, holding back a sob. "I wish my heart could just turn into stone."

He looked away.

"You know…" he mumbled. "I wish you were the only one hurting… but that's not the case here, is it?"

"Hmm?"

"Never mind." He sighed, smirking at the ceiling and pursing his lips. "Of course a crybaby like you wouldn't understand."

* * *

><p>I left the door open as I stumbled into an empty restroom.<p>

The fluorescent light was unpleasant, and I had to squint my eyes to see as I washed my hands.

I took my time lathering soap on my hands, because it was funny that I couldn't really feel them; they felt disconnected to my body. My senses were desensitized.

I hummed a random tune to myself as I toweled off my hands.

"Ah, so you _are_ really here."

I turned and jumped, almost falling on my butt.

I recognized the face, and all I felt was anger from the top of my head to the ends of my toes.

"You."

Royce King grinned, all blonde, handsome, and cheeky. "What about me?"

With as much energy I could muster, I shoved his chest and walked past.

Emmett and Mike.

Where were they?

I had to find them.

I searched the corridors for the stairs I used to come upstairs, but somehow they'd disappeared.

I heard Royce chasing after me down the hall. "Bella, I'm sorry about that other time."

"Don't talk to me."

"Just give me a second."

I whirled around and pointed a finger. "Stay away from me."

He rolled his eyes halfway before giving me a look. "Bella, I said I'm sorry."

I felt powerful being drunk, and although I felt worn out mentally, I felt as if I could destroy everything physically.

When I pushed his shoulder, he stumbled back.

"Ow," he muttered.

But I wanted to hurt him more. I wanted to hurt Edward, and I wanted to hurt Alice.

"Sorry's not enough. You – you –" I took a step closer, glaring up at him. "You messed up everything!"

"Wait… what?" His eyebrows went up as he held out his hands, palms out. "_I_ messed up everything? No, no, no, no, no. You and _Edward _messed it all up."

I scowled, disgusted.

He sought my face for a moment. "Wow. Bella, you're actually telling me that if I hadn't implied that we had sex, you two wouldn't have fallen apart again?" He simpered. "Trust me. You two were like a time bomb; you two were bound to break up again."

"You're wrong."

"No. _You're _wrong. _I'm_ right." He stared. "Hear me say this again." Then he spoke slower. "So if I hadn't implied that we had sex, you two wouldn't have fallen apart?"

He probably saw the fire in me die, as my face fell, my body shrunk. I tilted my head down in defeat.

"What kind of fucked up relationship is that? Isn't he supposed to believe you anyway?"

I was speechless all of a sudden, and then – "But why? Why did you have to lie in front of everyone! We never, _ever_ had sex!"

He sighed loudly and pressed my fluttering arms down. "Would you calm down and stop screaming?"

"Why is everyone telling me to calm down?" I twisted and writhed, searching for something around me but not knowing what. I desperately grappled my hair, tugging. "I don't want to calm down, okay?"

I shut my eyes, feeling dizzy now, and took in a gust of breath.

"I've been texting you."

I glanced up. "I… lost my phone."

He quirked an eyebrow.

Sniffing, I forced him off me and faced away.

"What did you tell Edward before the truth or dare?"

"I didn't say anything." He shrugged. "I might have implied a lot of things, but I never said you and I fucked. He did the assuming all on his own."

My nose and jaw stung, and I didn't know if the blurriness came from alcohol or simple misery.

"You gonna cry?"

"I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Girl…" He searched my face and what he saw made him frown. "You're a mess."

I covered my forehead. "Just – just leave me alone."

But he grabbed me and jerked me to him.

I kept my eyes down as I felt the pain spread from my chest to my stomach and arms all over again.

When was this going to stop?

Then, one moment, I was standing upright, and the next, he was grasping my hand and pulling me over his body.

I stumbled into him.

And my head was spinning because I felt something light skimming over my temple, my cheekbones, and my chin.

"Stop – stop kissing me," I said in a daze.

I never really responded; my eyes remained opened and zoned out on the wall behind him, and my lips were only slightly agape as he sweetly sucked and licked and nipped.

I was torn. I wanted Royce to pull away. I also wanted him to kiss deeper.

My eyes were finally closing, slowly.

"Look at me, Bella."

I did.

"I'm sorry I was an asshole that night."

I just listened.

"Jealousy's a bitch…"

I kept listening.

"And you look so beautiful in this dress. Will you let me take it off?"

"I don't know," I said blankly.

"I swear it'll just be between us. No one will know. Let me love you the right way."

His hand started to travel up my waist, waiting, but I shook my head.

He sighed. "Did he ever tell you that you're beautiful?"

"What?"

"Did Edward ever tell you that you're beautiful?"

I thought about it.

"Did he ever tell you that he loved you?"

I thought harder, and – "No." I thought even harder this time. "No, he never really looked at my face even when we were together."

"See? But I will actually look into your eyes throughout it all. I'll make you feel good."

Then everything was a blur of hands and mouths.

"You wanna go find a room, Bella?"

I breathed out in a dreamy sigh.

Things, little by little, clicked into place.

Slowly – very slowly – I found clarity.

"You know what?"

"Mm?" He sucked my neck.

I sighed and pushed him off by the neck. "I can't do this."

Silence.

"You have got to be kidding me." His eyes went wide. "Why the fuck not?"

I scrambled on my feet as I tugged the dress down.

Royce propped himself up on the wall, and he watched me as I watched him.

And he was right; all of this was perhaps bound to happen.

I was missing many facts, but some things were certain.

As Royce had hurt Rosalie, she hurt Edward.

As she had hurt Edward, Edward hurt me.

And if I were to do anything with Royce, I would become _her_.

"Because I don't want to be the person who completes this circle. Despite what Edward already thinks of me, doing this… it…" I shook my head, now wide awake. "And to be honest, I just don't want to be with you that way."

He kept staring until I felt uncomfortable.

Then he shook his head, running an annoyed hand through his hair.

"Say something," I mumbled.

"Well…" He blew out a gust of air, making the front of hair bristle. "So I never get to see what's underneath your pretty dresses?"

"Sorry. No."

"You know, you have a pretty good sense of judgment for someone so tipsy."

"Thanks."

He rolled his eyes, but his mouth was quirked up. "Girls."

"Boys," I shot back.

He stood up and shimmied in his pants. "By the way, thanks for giving me a raging hard-on."

I looked down. "You know, Royce… you were creepy at first – well, I guess you are still – but now…"

"Now?"

I took in his disheveled blond hair and stunning blue eyes.

This guy too was a heartbreaker.

"Nothing."

"Bella, we're still friends, right?"

"I don't know." I hesitated. "I don't think if we ever could be… you know, friends."

"Well, that's just too bad." He sighed. "I can be a great friend. Your loss, really."

I grinned wide, perhaps a bit goofy.

"You're drunk, all right. I wouldn't have taken advantage of you anyway." He paused, a strange look crossing his face. "You know, you can always call me up if you –"

"No." I snorted weakly. "Just no."

"I know. And Bella."

"Yeah?"

"You're nothing like Rose."

Those words warmed me.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

He chuckled. "It's funny that you say that."

I smiled, wan. "I guess it is."

Although he said that, I still had doubts. So _did_ he truly like me all along? Or was it all just an act because all he wanted was getting even with Edward? Or did he want both – revenge – so then getting me would be the cherry on top?

I didn't know.

I would never know, even if I asked.

I didn't want to know.

"I just want you to know that I really am sorry about what I did."

I looked up, but neither shook my head nor nodded.

But for my sanity, I just wanted to believe that he did truly like me, and that was enough.

"I'd like to believe you," I said honestly. "But I don't know if I can do that at the moment."

"Well, if you keep in touch with me, I will most certainly make it up to you for the rest of my life. How's that?"

I blinked.

He waited, smirking and all.

He was serious.

"We'll see," I whispered. "Maybe. No promises."

"So… I guess you're not choosing me?"

I gathered my hands. "No."

I wasn't choosing anyone, though.

"Jesus." He whistled. "I'm really not used to rejections."

Then he caressed my neck and bent forward on his waist so our faces were closer.

"But then again," he went on with a smile, one that was soft and sweet and not at all arrogant, "who wants safe, right?"

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Hi, all! Thank you so much for all the love (and constructive criticism). You all are so polite about pointing out my flaws as a writer, and I super appreciate/respect that.

And I noticed that more and more people are thinking that I'm actually not eighteen… please PM me so I can send you the "proof." I can't believe I'm going this extreme to validate my identity, but the accusations of my posing as an eighteen-year-old is getting ridiculous. Actually, I don't even understand why people are suspecting that I'm even lying in the first place.

Well, that's all! Tell me what you think; I know the chapter's a bit short!

Sarah


	38. Chapter 365

***********PLEASE READ!************

**Sorry, guys. Not a chapter. But read on – there's a pretty lengthy teaser for the latest chapter after I get the following things out of the way.**

**So! First news. I really want to say sorry for the "delay" in the update. I THINK I'll update this weekend, but in all honesty, am not even sure. It's just that RL is terribly busy for me, and I haven't been feeling well (emotionally) the past week or so. So please forgive me. I WILL UPDATE, though.**

**Secondly, _All We Are_ is once more nominated at the Lemonade Stand. I would appreciate it if you could go and vote for me – if you think this story deserves a vote, that is. Please support me!**

**Thirdly, I have started a new fic. It's called _Butterfly_. Go give it a try if you have time. It's a bit different from _All We Are_, but I think you'll like it…**

**And lastly, because I don't want to fill this update with just news, here's a little teaser:**

* * *

><p>"What are you doing?" I asked softly, awkwardly.<p>

He continued to rummage through the groceries, the plastic crinkling with each movement of his hand.

"Making crème brulee," he replied just as quietly.

I watched in relative shock as Edward Cullen pulled out a bunch of cooking utensils from the kitchen and gathered them on the tabletop.

"What?" I said, still in shock.

"What?" he echoed before plopping down on the stool and taking a hold of a crumpled piece of paper – printed recipe, I noticed – from the edge of the table. Then –

"Heat cream in heavy saucepan just until bubbles from around edge of pan," he recited, looking at me for one second.

He held up a pan.

I didn't get it at first, but when I did, I shook my head no.

He shrugged and stood up. "It's the only one we have. We work with what we're given."

"Oh, no," I said seriously, feeling trouble. "Maybe we should wait till the boys come back…"

"No need." He smirked and undid the lid of the newly purchased jar of cream. "I swear. This should be fun."

* * *

><p>Edward started to mumble about the horrid grammar used in the recipe instructions, and I couldn't resist asking where he got it. The instructions were very unclear and short, and I found that weird.<p>

"Internet," he said, frowning at the paper. "It doesn't even say how much cream…"

He was right.

Edward dumped half of the contents onto the heated pan.

Stunned, I reflexively reached for his arm.

We flinched together.

I dropped my hand.

His eyes flashed over to me before moving.

"Did you –" I whispered, wringing my awkward hands behind me, "Did you still measure it?"

He was back to being unfazed, and looked curiously at the food nutrition labels. "Why do you need to?"

I covered my face and shook my head.

He swished the cream around, scowling when it instantly began to sizzle. "The bubbles have already formed?"

He was right, again.

He reread the instructions and looked at me.

"It already happened." He paused. "It's boiling, all right."

I tried to stop laughing. I really did. But I held my stomach and continued to shake and writhe in silent giggles.

* * *

><p>Edward Cullen couldn't even break eggs properly.<p>

I leaned against the counter, watching the scene unfold and then the clock tick. I didn't know what I wanted right now – if I wanted the boys back of if I wanted to be left alone with Edward like this.

"Wait!" My eyes flicked from the mound of brown sugar on the yolk and Edward's eyes. "Did you measure that?"

"No need."

A pause later, I smiled weakly. "Of course you would say that."

I tilted my head up to the ceiling, still not knowing what I wanted.

* * *

><p>He used a fork to mix the eggs and sugar together.<p>

I kept trying to look over his shoulder to see what was going on, and Edward, at one point, noticed this and simply insisted that I stayed away.

He carefully smiled at me with his eyes and went back to work.

The instructions on one hand and the egg mixture on the other, Edward read aloud the words as he poured the mixture into the heated cream.

"Place over hot, not boiling water," he read, unconcerned. "Cook. Stir constantly for fifteen minutes then add vanilla."

I was staring at the big mustard-colored stain on the cream when I heard paper peeling.

My eyes widened as I noticed that he'd bought a giant bottle of vanilla essence just for this. "Why are you trying to add vanilla now?"

"Not going to make a difference." He poured in the pan and paused and peeked at me. "Right?"

I was giggling inside and sighing outside. "Did you measure that?" – It was probably the tenth time now.

"It says… one teaspoon." He grinned widely at himself.

"Oh, my goodness…"

Edward awkwardly stirred and stirred the mixture with the fork.

"It smells nice, at least," I mumbled.

He cracked a grin. "But will it _taste _nice?"

Silence.

"I wonder when everyone's coming back," I said first in the awkward air. "They've been gone for a while."

"True."

More silence.

"Maybe I should go with the muffins out of the box next time," he said.

"I agree."

He smiled so big, scrunching his nose for a minute, as he reached for the water he'd heated up on the stove.

I didn't even bother with a question as Edward boldly poured in hot water into the mixture, but –

"Wait, are you sure you add water?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, it says to place over hot, not boiling –" His eyes widened. "Fuck."

* * *

><p>When Edward placed the egg mixture <em>over <em>the hot, not boiling water – he decided that adding a little water wouldn't affect much and didn't bother to start again – he began to stir again.

"Almost done," he said.

I shook my head.

"What?"

I studied his profile. "What _can _you cook?"

"A lot of things."

"Oh?"

"Pop tarts." Pause. "Hot pockets." Pause. "Ramen…"

Oh, Edward.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yeah, so very fragmented, unpolished, confusing, all over the place. Not much of a teaser, really, but this is all I have so far. Sigh. This excerpt will fit into the real chapter next time, though, and will be altered a lot (although not radically).<strong>

**Thanks, and see you soon – hopefully.**

**Sarah**


	39. Chapter 37

**CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN**

* * *

><p>Spring sports season was coming to an end, and Forks High was beginning to say goodbye to the ending school year and the leaving seniors.<p>

Everyone was talking about prom, girl in hushed giggles and boys with their knowing glances with each other. And apparently, Mike wasn't kidding about asking me to prom… because he asked.

And I said no.

"Is it because of Edward?" he'd asked.

I'd said no again.

I didn't think he believed me. I didn't believe myself, actually.

"Sorry, Bella," Coach suddenly apologized.

"Oh, no problem." I snapped out of my daydreams. "It's not your fault you couldn't find my replacement. It's last week of practice anyway."

Coach gave me a rare smile, but it diminished as soon as someone splashed water at his feet.

"Do you think this is a joke, Michael Newton?" he barked. "And are you done with your fifty laps?"

"Fifty – and one more as I swam over." Mike grinned and latched his chin on his gathered hands on the edge of the pool. "So, Coach, you ready for tomorrow's big party?"

Coach let out a grunt, and I had to mask a laugh. I knew that the man, deep down, was _very_ excited about the party that the senior boys were throwing for him – in thanks for coaching the soccer team.

Then Mike was looking at me. "Coach, Bella should swim too."

I laughed nervously. "No thank you."

Weather outside was horrible – bad enough even in Forks standards that the boys couldn't run around in the fields.

And so swimming practice was the alternative, and it worked out perfectly; swimming did the same thing the standard soccer practice did: keeping the team in shape.

Mike gave me a look. "But you have your bikini on!"

"Underneath my clothes." I blinked. "And because I knew people like you would splash me."

Mike splashed more water.

I narrowed my eyes, and kicked water at his face.

He winked, chuckling, and pushed his darkened blond hair back and off his forehead.

When Mike had asked and I'd answered no, I'd meant it, but whenever Edward was around… I kept wondering if I did mean it.

Like now, Edward was just a few feet away, resting his healing ankle on a pool recliner beside his.

"Pussy," Seth, thinking his Captain was using an excuse to skip the swimming practice, teased loudly. "You're not even that injured."

Edward just smirked to himself and said nothing else.

I couldn't be certain, but I had a feeling that Emmett and I were the only ones who knew of Edward Cullen's fear of water.

Yeah, moments like this, it felt as though I knew a lot about him. But most times, it felt as though I didn't know him at all – nothing new there.

Moments like this, it felt as though we were meant to be. But most times, it felt weird and naïve and stupid and ridiculous – again, nothing new there.

Sometimes, I hoped it would never stop. Most times, no.

"Bella."

"Mike," I sighed, "no, I'm not going in the water –"

"I wasn't talking about swimming."

"Okay, then." I humored him with another sigh. "What is it then?"

"Prom?"

My mouth opened, and I tried to ignore the fact that Edward was quite physically right beside us. "No."

"It's my senior prom," Mike coaxed.

"A no is a no."

He scowled. "Aren't girls supposed to be excited about prom?"

I opened my mouth again but was interrupted as team began to climb out the water.

I checked the time. Practice was over.

"You can do better," I mumbled.

"Not really. I mean, I thought we had total chemistry at Homecoming."

I gave him a look and splashed water into his eyes again.

Closing his eyes and smiling faintly, he fell back into the water in slow motion.

I shook my head, smiling also, but made the mistake of meeting eyes with a redhead boy.

I couldn't look away because he certainly wasn't, and my breaths were slightly caught.

It was not out of disgust but out of fear when I hurriedly glanced the other way.

* * *

><p>"Dismissed!" Coach yelled, his voice bouncing off everywhere in the pool arena.<p>

Boys in the swim trunks hooted, shaking their wet hair like dogs and beginning push each other back into the water.

I shook my head to myself, hiding a grin, as I packed up my stuff. I had to get out before someone tried to push _me _in the water, now that practice was over and the goofing off was starting.

Beside me, Edward was shifting his body and his still slightly injured feet, and underclassmen guys were carefully asking if he wanted to join them in the water basketball game.

Of course Edward refused.

As soon as I stood up, someone playfully tugged down the neckline of my shirt and made a comment about my boring black bikini.

I shooed him – Seth – off, but Emmett and some other guys were nearing me with sneaky grins and shared glances.

I started to back away. No, no, no.

"Don't even think about it," I warned with a finger pointed at them.

"Come on!" one of the guys teased. "It's our goodbye present."

Then many things happened at once, all too quickly.

Seth was scurrying toward me with arms spread as he scooped me over his shoulder.

And I was screaming and wiggling, and the boys were hooting and laughing again.

Before I knew it, my body touched water in a splash.

And the water was ice-cold.

And I couldn't think clearly enough to kick back up and break out of the surface of the water, and I forgot how to swim...

I forgot how to swim.

* * *

><p>I never really lost consciousness, or so I was sure, because I heard a lot of shouting and the feeling of being pulled out of the water by someone.<p>

I felt a mouth on me, trying to get me to breathe and pump the water out of my lungs, but I was actually awake – at least awake enough to hear the louder and closer shouting, and was that sobbing at my ear?

And not only did I hear – I also felt and saw.

I felt water droplets from strands of dark red hair dripping to my cheeks, and I saw the familiar green eyes of Edward Cullen, hovering above me.

* * *

><p>When I truly understood what was going on, I realized that I was tucked under some cool sheets.<p>

The ceiling was complete white, not a glass roof.

It was the Nurse's office, and I was suffering a terrible headache and listening to a loud sobbing by my side.

I groaned. "Dad, please don't tell me that's you."

I gasped as Charlie hugged me, and my hair and skin were wet and cold. He felt nice – warm.

"Are you feeling okay, sweetie?"

I sighed. "Yes."

My head hit the pillows again as my dad set me back down.

"What happened?" he asked.

Suddenly speechless, I stared up at my dad, because I'd never seen him even close to as teary-eyed as he was now.

"Well…" Finally, I glanced around the room and saw a bunch of shirtless guys staring at me. They looked… worried. "I… tripped and fell into the pool."

Seth opened his mouth, but I widened my eyes and shook my head just a little bit.

"I lost my balance," I said to Charlie and the Nurse again.

"Honey," dad sighed, "that's when you swim back up to the surface."

"I kind of… forgot how to swim." I took in my surroundings once more, counting each head and recognizing each face, and my heart fell when it didn't see a particular person.

Charlie turned to the boys. "Where are your co-captains, boys?

Mike stood straighter and unfolded his arms. "Here, sir."

"I know you, Michael." He looked around more closely. "Where's Edward? I know he's the other one."

The boys exchanged weird glances.

"Is this all of the soccer team nonetheless?" Charlie went on.

They nodded, and Charlie began a little lecture, something about the boy's responsibility to take care of the only girl around, and I usually would have been embarrassed but I was too taken with the fact that the one person I was sure I would see in this room wasn't here.

* * *

><p>"Boys these days. They pick on girls too much." The nurse clucked her tongue, and just as she moved out the room, she gave the boys a warning look. "Isabella, stay here until you feel better, okay? I have to pick up some supplies that were just delivered to the office, but I'll be right back."<p>

Charlie was unwilling to go back to work, but he had no other choice; I also made sure that I was okay without him, while he assigned Emmett to drive me home.

I palmed my face in embarrassment, but Emmett grinned and agreed.

"I trust you, boy," Charlie had said, obviously referring to the New Year's night.

As soon as Charlie left, the room quieted.

I stared blankly up at the ceiling, remembering the distant sobbing – one before Charlie's – and glimpses of… things.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella," Seth spoke up.

I huffed, discontent, and gingerly rubbed the area below my eyes with a finger.

Mascara smudge, all over.

"Great." I sighed for the millionth time. "No wonder Charlie thinks I'm more of a mess than I really am. This makeup."

"Well," Seth went on, "I still think you look really cute. Like a baby panda bear."

I glared at every one of them, and even with the overly wide, apologetic smiles, they flinched.

"If it'll make you feel better, you're welcomed to throw _me _out the pool anytime."

I snorted. "I wish."

"We'll help." Mike nudged Emmett, and the latter began to nod profusely.

"Or you can punch me in the face," Seth supplied.

"Oh, I would, but I'm not strong enough to inflict real damage and you know it."

They all grinned together, and I grimaced in return.

Then I looked at their swimming trunks and hair, both dripping wet, and the way they were huddled around me. I saw their frowns and how they were barefoot in this room around the bed. They were sincerely concerned; I got that.

"I know you're all sorry." Tired, I hid my face under the covers. "Don't worry about it, and don't do it again."

"Never," they echoed back.

I hid a smile, but then I realized that I was already under the sheets.

"Thanks for not telling the Chief," I heard one of the guys say.

"Yeah, man, that was a close call!"

"He could have gotten _all _of us suspended, I swear."

"Damn right. I can't afford another disciplinary charge on my transcript."

"That was really nice of you, Bella," Eric Yorkie mumbled.

Waving a hand in their direction, I twisted in the bed and curled up toward the wall.

I felt another layer of blanket over my body, warming me, and I peeked with one eye and saw Emmett and Mike spreading it from my head to toe.

I hid my face again, acting as if I didn't see it.

"If you're going to gossip and moan like girls, you might as well shower and leave," I said, voice muffled. "You can go."

They all complained.

"Look," I said with a sigh, "I have to shower and get dressed too, you know."

"Bella's right." Emmett. "Enough trouble for today."

I breathed quietly, listening to the door swing open and shut as each boy stepped out.

Emmett lingered.

I shrouded out the covers and attempted a smile. "I meant you too. I'll meet you at the parking lot."

Then I sat up a little, complaining profusely, as Emmett began to collect my sopping wet shirt and jeans and threw them in a plastic bag. He'd brought in my backpack and was now packing my things for me.

"No, you rest. I got this," he muttered.

I would have kept complaining – stopped him physically, even – but I stayed wrapped up in the sheets in the bed.

I didn't think it would be appropriate that I touch him in this occasion, especially when we were hardly dressed properly.

"Who got me undressed?" I whispered.

Emmett's head popped up. His cheeks warmed. "The nurse, I swear," he said quickly. "Something about preventing hypothermia…"

I nodded awkwardly.

Well, I was still in my modest swimsuit, so it didn't really matter.

He zipped my backpack and began to waddle off –

"Emmett."

"Do you need something?"

"No, but…" I hesitated, thinking deeply of what I thought I saw. "Who pulled me out of the water?"

He scowled.

My heart began to beat a little bit quicker. "Was it –"

The door swung open.

I bundled the sheets more tightly around me as I saw Edward step in.

Emmett opened his mouth, but Edward interrupted.

"Everyone's looking for you," he said. "They were wondering what you were doing with… her."

Emmett clapped a hand on Edward's shoulder. "I was just heading out."

My eyes skimmed over Edward, noticing his jersey and gym shorts, as well as the soccer bag over his shoulder.

Then I quickly looked down and stared at my twiddling thumbs.

I tried not to be upset about the fact that he wasn't here with the rest of the guys when I woke up – that he didn't even seem worried _now_ – that he _still_ thought so lowly of me.

I hated that, privately, I'd been looking for him the moment I woke and he wasn't even there.

"Are you feeling okay?"

Edward.

So I smiled a little – maybe sadly – but his voice sounded so nice and soft, and we hadn't spoken in… weeks.

"Yeah." I nodded a little, sniffing.

"That's good." He quickly looked at Emmett and nodded toward the door. "Let's go."

"Feel better, Bella," said Emmett just as he turned away.

"Wait."

Emmett raised his eyebrows.

I swallowed the heartbeat at my throat and sat up straighter. "Emmett, who pulled me out of the water?"

I was talking to Emmett, but my eyes were on the other boy with the straight face and nonchalant mannerisms.

But I remembered the distinct sobbing, low at the throat, and I had the feeling I knew exactly to whom it belonged.

I knew.

I _knew._

Emmett looked slightly downward. "I did."

Edward calmly glanced over his shoulder at Emmett and then at me before stepping out and away, his steps echoing down the hall. From a distance, the building door clanked open.

Still – even though I couldn't see _him _– I kept staring at the office door that was slightly ajar.

"Was it really?" I took a glimpse out the window. I could see Edward and his back, and he was adjusting his bag over his shoulder. "You, I mean?"

"Yep." Clearing his throat, Emmett slapped a hand on the door and smiled. "Okay, I'll really go now. Take your time getting ready, okay?"

The door slammed shut, and I could see and hear Emmett trying to catch up to his friend.

* * *

><p>It was nine o'clock in the morning, and I turned the television on low and kept the curtains over the windows as I lay face down on the couches.<p>

Only after Emmett dropped me off yesterday afternoon did I realize that I was in fact very physically fatigued.

I was grateful that it was Saturday, at least, and that I didn't have to worry about school. I just had to get through the soccer party that was going to start in a few hours.

I didn't want to go, though.

It was at Edward's house.

Edward.

Sobbing.

Tears…

I was brushing my teeth when someone knocked on the door.

"SURPRISE!"

I stood still, shocked to the bone, until the minty taste of my toothpaste began to burn my tongue.

"What in the world are you guys doing here?" I gargled incoherently.

The entire soccer team gave each other sneaky looks before shoving past me and saying something about the house smelling like me.

I was too stunned, and then I noticed that the freshmen, Mike, Emmett, and Edward were the ones with the… groceries?

"Ex_cuse_ me," Mike teased before also sliding past me.

"Hiya, Bella. Feeling better?" Emmett greeted as he followed.

Then Edward.

He actually looked into my eyes.

"You're drooling," he said blankly.

I quickly swiped my mouth.

I wanted to swallow but couldn't.

He nudged his chin at his hands full of groceries. "Are you going to let me in?"

I wasn't given a chance to answer, however, because freshmen boys were pushing Edward and he in return was pushing my body into the wall.

I ducked before he had me trapped, and by then, all the boys were getting comfortable on the couch.

* * *

><p>So apparently the boys found out a little too late that not one of them knew how to cook.<p>

"Okay," I said slowly, "so you guys are saying that _I _have to cook all the food? Like, twenty five servings?"

I'd already done my part of this whole potluck event – the chicken dish – and I'd assumed that the boys would ask their moms or… something.

Mike sighed and began to flick the lamp on and off, and I had to tell him to stop.

He smiled sheepishly. "Well, boys, I told you she's not going to come around that easily."

But most of them weren't even listening at this point.

"Do you have videogames?" one of the guys asked, opening the glass cabinet below the television set.

"I want _foooooood_!" another shouted from the kitchen.

"This bathroom is so fucking clean…" a distant voice said, followed by the water running.

I watched all the chaos that was building up in horror.

I desperately looked at Mike and then Emmett, but they both shrugged.

Then for some reason, I averted my eyes to Edward.

He was leaning against the far wall, ankles and arms crossed, staring out the window and zoning out.

"Well…" I trailed off. "I'm not going to do it, you know."

Yeah, that got their attention.

"But we bought the groceries!" Seth complained, and I had no idea how he found those cookies.

"You know, you're lucky my dad's not home –"

"We'll cook," Emmett interjected with a big dimpled grin before grabbing a bunch of guys by the collar and pulling them into the kitchen. "Bella, you can help, though, right? Please?"

"You guys have to leave." But everyone was ignoring me. "Guys! You can't just barge in and stay!"

No one was listening.

I must have been standing motionless for a while, because soon I heard some wild expletives, followed by eggshells breaking and scarily feminine-sounding boy giggles, from the other room.

I heard a snort.

Edward.

Every time we looked, it stung.

It stung to see that he was in this house, with me.

"I'm sorry," he said.

I inhaled and sharply looked off to the side.

I kept my stare at bay as I strode right past and joined the boys in the kitchen.

What was he sorry for you, though?

I knew he should be sorry for many things, but what in particular was he talking about?

"Where's Captain?" Seth bellowed, messing with the frying pan.

I hardly noticed, as I situated myself against the fridge, lost in thought.

"Bella," he said again, "where did Captain go?"

"She probably kicked him out," another voice piped in.

I thought about that.

"I just might, actually," I offered, but it was probably a little too late.

* * *

><p>When I first met Edward Cullen, he was all smiles and jokes.<p>

Now?

It seemed as though all of those things were – at last, at last – spent and wasted. All that was left seemed to be pent-up sadness – anger – hatred.

He was very noticeably cracking. And noticeably sulking. And noticeably depressed about something.

"I don't like this arrangement."

It was Mike who had just blurted out so candidly, after the boys had drawn straws on which two people were going to stay behind with me as the rest went to shop for extra eggs, extra vegetable oil, and extra butter as they had made a huge fiasco out of the cooking attempts.

Edward twirled one of the two short straws between his fingers.

"Maybe it's meant to be." His eyes, which had gone out of focus for a minute, quickly found it. He looked up. "Maybe not."

Emmett's eyes danced from Edward to Mike to me.

The air turned incredibly awkward; it wasn't exactly a secret that Edward and Mike were now best-friends-turned-enemies.

And poor Seth. He clearly didn't want to be one of the two boys that were going to be left behind.

He muttered something about being the awkward third wheel in a lover's spat; his friends chuckled and exchanged a few words amongst themselves.

Edward watched me as I cleared my throat and excused myself to the kitchen.

I needed a clear head.

And I knew when the guys headed out to the front yard.

I was more than a little surprised to see that it was Edward that had joined me, and he said something to me but I wasn't listening.

I couldn't get the image of him and Alice out of my head.

"Bella!"

My eyes opened wide. Seth just walked in.

"What do you need me to do?" the boy asked.

"I…" I blinked furiously. "I really don't know, actually."

A mischievous grin stretched over his lips, and he stealthily returned to the living room. "All righty. Let me know – you know, if you need anything…"

Then I heard the flipping of TV channels.

"What…?" I could feel the blood draining out of my face.

Edward brushed past me.

This was bad.

I turned swiftly. "Edward –"

His back was to me as he washed his hands in the sink. "Go join Seth. I'll cook."

I didn't move.

He finally gave me his attention.

His eyes were searching my face.

The strangest look crossed his face. "I doubt you can stand being in the same room with me, and I don't think Seth wants to be in the same room with us together."

I couldn't have said it better.

"I'll…" I licked my lip. "I'll be right back."

I didn't miss how he smirked as he turned back to the cabinets. "I wouldn't hold my breath."

* * *

><p>I jumped as Seth howled with laughter.<p>

"Holy fuck, did you see that, Bella?"

No. "Yeah."

He continued to let out a tummy-laugh, face turning red, and his eyes never left the screen.

It had only been about two minutes since I left the kitchen, but it scared me that I couldn't hear anything – no clanking, no sizzling.

I didn't even smell anything burning.

I left; Seth didn't notice.

When I stepped back into the kitchen, the tension arose almost immediately.

And Edward Cullen, like that other time, looked very out of place in my home, especially in the kitchen.

Brave. I had to be brave.

"So." I inhaled big. "What are you cooking?"

Without an answer, he rummaged through the untouched grocery bags by the corner, the plastic crinkling with each movement of his hand.

I noticed the ingredients. "Or are you baking something?"

"Yeah." His eyes were on his hands. "Crème brulee."

I watched in relative shock as he pulled out a bunch of cooking utensils and gathered them on the tabletop.

"What?" I said, still in shock. "Seriously?"

"What?" He plopped down on the stool and took a hold of a crumpled piece of paper – printed recipe, I noticed – from the edge of the table. Then –

"Heat cream in heavy saucepan just until bubbles form around edge of pan," he recited, looking at me for one second.

He held up a random pan.

I didn't get it at first, but when I did, I shook my head no.

He shrugged and stood up. "It's the only one you have, though. We work with what we have, right?"

Subconsciously, I neared him. "Maybe we should wait till the boys come back…"

"No need."

We might have shared the weirdest smile.

Then my smile turned into a hesitant cringe.

Yeah, those despicable habits when it came down to the two of us, liking each other.

But his smile turned into a smirk, and he undid the lid of the newly purchased jar of cream.

"I swear," he said quietly. "This should be fun."

* * *

><p>Edward started to mumble about the horrid grammar used in the recipe instructions, and I couldn't resist asking where he got them. The instructions were very unclear and short, and I found that weird.<p>

"The Internet." He frowned at the paper. "It doesn't even say how much cream…"

He was right.

Edward dumped half of the contents – cream – onto the heated pan.

Stunned, I reflexively reached for his arm.

We flinched together, and I immediately dropped my hand.

His jaw hardened.

"Did you –" I whispered, wringing my awkward hands behind me, "Did you still measure it?"

He was back to being unfazed, though, and looked curiously at the food nutrition labels. "Why do you need to?"

I covered my face and shook my head.

He swished the cream around the pan, scowling when it instantly began to sizzle. "The bubbles have already formed?"

He was right, again.

He reread the instructions and looked straight at me.

"It already happened." He paused. "It's boiling, all right."

I held my stomach and shook and writhed in silent giggles.

* * *

><p>Edward Cullen couldn't even break eggs properly.<p>

And he'd made it sound that he had everything under control. What was he going to do all alone in the kitchen?

I leaned against the counter, watching the scene unfold and then the clock tick. I didn't know what I wanted right now – if I wanted the boys back or if I wanted to be left alone with Edward like this.

"Wait!" My eyes flicked from the mound of brown sugar on the yolk and Edward's eyes. "Did you measure that?"

"No need."

A pause later, I smiled weakly. "Of course you would say that."

I tilted my head up to the ceiling, still not knowing what I wanted.

* * *

><p>He used a fork to mix the eggs and sugar together.<p>

I kept trying to look over his shoulder to see what was going on, and Edward noticed this and simply insisted that I stayed away.

The instructions on one hand and the egg mixture on the other, Edward read aloud the words as he poured the mixture into the heated cream.

"Place mixture of cream and eggs over hot, not boiling water," he read, unconcerned. "Cook. Stir constantly for fifteen minutes then add vanilla."

I was staring at the big mustard-colored blob when I heard paper peeling.

My eyes widened as I noticed that he'd bought a giant bottle of vanilla essence just for this. They could have bought a much smaller one; I told him that, but he shrugged.

"And," I went on, "why are you trying to add vanilla now?"

"Not going to make a difference." By then, he'd already poured the portion of vanilla in the pan and paused and peeked at me. "Right?"

I was giggling inside and sighing outside. "Did you measure?" – It was probably the tenth time asking now.

"It says… one teaspoon." He grinned widely at himself.

"Oh, my goodness."

Edward stirred the mixture with the fork.

"It smells nice," I mumbled.

He cracked a grin. "But will it _taste _nice?"

I stared, because he looked like a kid right now.

I thought about Christmas night and pushed out the memory as soon as it occurred to me.

"I wonder when everyone's coming back," I mused distractedly. "They've been gone for a while."

"True."

Silence.

"Maybe I should go with the muffins out of the box next time," he said.

"I agree."

He smiled so big, scrunching his nose for a minute, as he reached for the water he'd heated up on the stove.

I didn't even bother with a question as Edward boldly poured in hot water into the mixture, but –

"Wait, are you sure you add water?"

"Yeah, it says to place the mixture of cream and eggs over hot, not boiling –" His eyes widened. "Fuck."

* * *

><p>When Edward placed the mixture <em>over <em>the hot, not boiling water – he decided that the added small portion of water wasn't going affect the taste much and didn't bother to start again – he began to stir again.

"Almost done," he said.

I shook my head.

"What?"

I studied his profile. "What _can _you cook?"

"A lot of things."

"Oh?"

"Pop tarts." Pause. "Hot pockets." Pause. "Ramen…"

Oh, Edward.

* * *

><p>My eyes followed him as he placed the cups of custard into the fridge.<p>

He closed the door and leaned against it, face tilted upward.

He seemed deep in thought.

I was too, really.

Now when I looked back to the past many months, I realized that he and I didn't always have bad days. We had good ones too – or at least good moments – like today – like right now.

We did have far more bad days than good ones, though.

I wondered if he was thinking about the same thing.

I also wondered how funny it was that both of us were so resilient, and I had no idea if that was our strength or weakness. Maybe it was complete foolishness; I wasn't sure.

"So how's your ankle?" I asked quietly.

His answer wasn't stalled. "It's healing."

"It looks like it's gotten worse."

Silence fell over.

I tried again.

"How was spring break for you?"

He looked up and then down. "It was good." He hesitated. "Well, except that Emmett and I planned this road trip, but that plan kind of fell through."

I actually smiled. "Oh, that. I heard."

He was watching me now. "Why did you bail out?"

"What?"

"Emmett invited you, right? Why did you bail out?"

"I… didn't feel like going in the end," I lied.

He nodded, that same strange look crossing his face. "Right."

He wasn't stupid; he _knew _why. I couldn't believe, though, that he'd just goaded me on it.

"Why did you do it?"

"Hmm?" I inhaled. "Why did I bail out, you mean?"

"No." His jaw ticked. "Why did you sleep with him?"

I stared.

"I just want to know." Edward braced himself against the fridge and bowed his head down. "I know I wasn't good enough, but… I don't get it. It's all I've been thinking, and I don't get it."

It was all he'd been thinking?

In the lengthening silence, I uncomfortably looked down to my folded arms on the island table.

I clamped my lips together, reminding myself for the hundredth time that the last half hour of fun had changed nothing.

Nothing.

"I didn't, you know," I finally said as I rose to my feet. "I didn't sleep with him. Not once."

Without warning, I left.

I didn't think he noticed.

* * *

><p>The exhaustion came crashing down, hard, when Coach left.<p>

The luncheon was pretty successful, despite the cooking fiasco earlier in the morning and the heavy scolding about the pool incident last night. Apparently Charlie gave him a call.

And near the end of the lunch event, Coach cried because Mike presented him with a thank-you placard.

Mike whispered close in my ear, "Could you have looked any more uninterested?"

I tried to look more alive as I wiped the table clean of any food remnants.

Mike shook his head, chuckling.

But he didn't understand; it was that Edward's house looked so different and normal now – different because it was no longer the lifeless empty house it'd been the past few months; normal because every one of his furniture had come back.

It was also very odd that so many people were in it.

Usually, it had been just him and me in this house…

And I volunteered to clean up after the bash.

I was more than brave now – I was curious, even.

I wanted to talk to him – Edward – and the little desire had grown during the lunching hour when our arms would brush accidentally or when we would stare and quickly look away.

And I had a feeling that he knew why I volunteered the instant I did it.

I knew – that so many boys and girls broke up and made up as much as we did. All along, I'd been thinking that I was stuck in a tragedy when actually I wasn't. What they said was right – one could be blind in one's own situation.

Knowing our history, I knew the big possibility that the talking wouldn't work out; we would start yelling or crying – in the worst case, we would make up with sex or something equally tiring at this point.

I was ashamed of my mistakes and sorry for his.

But maybe you had to make a lot of mistakes to learn from them, and now was probably the time I had to finally learn.

* * *

><p>I was done drying the dishes when Edward approached me with a coffee mug.<p>

He offered it quietly, and I could see white steam coming off the top.

Avoiding his gaze, I held the cup in my hands and hummed. "Thanks; my hands were freezing."

I moved my thumbs side to side on the surface of the mug, enjoying the warmth it radiated.

As I stared into the liquid, I listened to the multiple clocks in the house tick away.

"You know, people usually _drink_ the tea, not hold it. It's a beverage, not a hand warmer, you see."

So he still had it in him.

I smiled, amused, but I still didn't take a single sip. "So."

"So, what?"

I shook my head.

Outside, I looked at ease. Inside, I was unraveling.

But this was progress, right? We were standing in the same room, and I didn't really want to slap his face – that was an improvement, right?

I needed an opening.

I needed _closure._

"So." I bit my lip. "What's going down between you and Mike?"

Edward stared.

Crap. Bad opening. "What? I'm curious."

"Okay, then, what's going down between _you_ and Mike?"

I stared.

A strange look crossed his face. "What? I'm curious."

I looked down and snorted. "I see your point."

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Tick, tock.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

"Can I ask you something?"

My heart sped up; it was usually the other way around.

As soon as I responded with a whispered yes, he spoke up:

"Why did you lie to me?"

I put the mug down next to me. "About what?"

"You said you weren't seeing him. But you were. You said there was nothing going on between you two. But there _was_ something." He shook his head in what looked like disbelief. "Why RJ?"

Funny – how we were capable of discussing this so… calmly. It was scary too.

Yeah, resilient.

Still, I couldn't help but stay speechless as he rambled. I was horrified.

"I… I told you. I _did not _sleep with –"

"Did you kiss him? After New Year's?"

What did he want from me?

"That pause," he said, "says it all."

Still, for some reason, I chose to lie.

"No. I never kissed him, not after anyway –"

"Liar," he shot back calmly.

"Hypocrite. You're twice the liar I am. I can't even attempt to reiterate all your lies because it makes my stomach stir. I'm so jaded about all those lies that I don't even have the strength to _think_ about them." My breaths were shallower now. "Then why did you sleep with her, then, huh? Alice – why did you sleep with her?"

He crossed his arms. "I didn't."

"What?"

"I didn't sleep with her." He had the calmest stare. "You caught us at the wrong time. That's all."

"I can't believe you actually have the gall to lie to me about his when I –" I pressed my anger. "I saw you two."

"What did you see?"

"I don't want to think about it –"

"What did you see?" he pressed.

I met his eyes.

He'd been on top of her on the floor.

He hadn't worn a shirt.

His hands had been on her shoulder.

She'd been trying to shrug out of her shirt.

"Tell me." He talked so coolly, so easily. "Was I really touching her?"

I couldn't look away from him. "Not – not really –"

"Was I kissing her?"

"No."

"Did you see me stick my dick in her?"

"… No."

"Okay, then." He cocked his head to the side. "So how in the world was I sleeping with her?"

Edward tapped a finger on the table wood.

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

Stop.

"I guess I'm a liar and hypocrite." His stare cooled. "But I'm not the only one."

I didn't understand.

"Want me to tell you something funny?"

I didn't understand a thing.

"When you heard Mike, Em, and me talking in the hallway. The day after that first night we spent together."

I remembered.

"How much did you actually hear?"

How much did I actually hear?

"Did I say that all I wanted from you was for you to spread your legs open so I can fuck you whenever I want to? Did I say I was going to treat you like a slut?" His words were cutting. "Bella, tell me."

I thought hard. "You said we weren't going to get back together but that we were going to continue to have sex…"

He didn't complete the thought.

And I… understood.

Edward's stare was pinning me down. "You assume. All the time."

This was the first time I understood what exactly was wrong with us.

What I'd done wrong.

What he'd done right.

This was the first time he was coming clean, no bullshit.

"The more I think about it," he murmured in a daze, "the more I realize how good of a player you were all along."

Player?

Before I could ask, though, someone knocked heavily on the door.

* * *

><p>A very soaking wet Jane Masen was the last person Edward and I expected.<p>

As she tried to invite herself in, Edward quickly pushed out an arm across the doorway, preventing her.

"How did you get here?"

"The ferry."

"How did you get _here_?"

"The bus. Plus I walked."

"Does Dad know about this?"

"Of course not. Now can I go in? I'm freezing my ass off here."

Edward side-glimpsed me.

Jane noticed me and smiled through chattering teeth. "Hi, Bella."

I waved a little as I hovered behind Edward.

Edward ducked his head, sighing and groaning, as his little sister successfully dodged his arm and skipped in.

Her eyes were wide as they took in the interior. "Wow, this place is so different from last time."

"_Why_ are you here?"

She pirouetted. "'Cause I wanna. Is that not good enough of a reason?"

He palmed his face. "Jane, tell me the truth."

"Ted, I _am _telling the truth…" she whined with the most adorable pout.

He sighed again, long and loud. Then he grabbed the girl by the neck and shoved her face in his stomach; she shrieked and giggled.

"Did you have lunch?"

Jane hummed. "Didn't even have breakfast."

"Lucky for you, I have a lot of food left. Do you mind leftovers?"

"Of course not!" She cheered, wrapping her skinny arm around his waist.

"Come on over, troublemaker." He looked tired, almost. "Let's get you some food."

* * *

><p>Jane mumbled a meek apology as I punched in the buttons of the drier.<p>

As the machine came to life, I smiled down at her and handed over a dry towel. "Girls stick together; it's not a problem."

She rubbed the towel in her hair, smiling back appreciatively. "I mean, Ted's my brother and all, but letting him dry my underwear is just… embarrassing."

"I understand," I assured her again.

She swung her hands back and forth, sniffing.

The drier continued to buzz.

"He and I aren't as close as we used to be, you know," she suddenly said, eyeing me. "Plus my dad's not his dad, so it gets a little awkward at times…" Her eyes suddenly widened, and a hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh, I know about that. Don't worry."

"Oh." She blinked a little. "Good." But her face fell even more.

"_The more I think about it, the more I realize how good of a player you were all along."_

I couldn't get those words out of my head.

Wan, I leaned back on the wall. "I get what you're talking about, by the way. Back where I'm from, my mom's boyfriend lived with us. I never let him do the laundry, because, come on, that's just asking for it."

"Yeah, oh, my God. That's funny." She laughed a little. "So where are you from?"

"Arizona."

"Whoa, nice! I'd love to live somewhere warm. It's always Illinois or Washington for me. It gets tiring, you know?"

So Jane talked on, hands flying, faces twisting in funny ways. For a moment, I wondered why I told her about my mom and her boyfriend, but I guessed it was probably the same reason why I cared about Edward and his relations to his family.

"All Dad cares about is my new baby brother."

I acted as though this was new information.

She sighed, face clouding. "He's not even born yet, so I know it's going to get worse. It's tough, though, having to stay in the same room as Liz – that's my stepmom. I mean, she's nice and everything, but just… It's hard to explain."

I didn't know what to say, so I just continued to listen, and she continued to talk. She asked a lot of questions, though, so I talked a lot in return, actually.

And she was laughing again – she was good at that – at a little thing I said as I gathered her dried clothes from the machine.

"So can I ask you something?" she asked cheerfully.

"Sure. Shoot."

"How do you do your eye makeup? It's so pretty."

My lips went up. "I'll teach you, if we ever get the time."

Her grin widened. "Really?"

"Of course."

"Can I ask you something else too?"

"What is it?"

"Are you still dating my brother?"

I reached my arm out, deep, to get one of her socks. "Nope."

"Yeah…" She narrowed her eyes slightly. "I figured… He's a jackass sometimes. Wait, one more thing, sorry."

"No problem." I reached out even deeper, trying to get that other sock and succeeding. "Here."

Jane quietly pulled on her socks.

I waited.

"Do you like your mom's boyfriend, Bella?"

I didn't have to think much. "Not really."

Her lips quirked up. "Are your mom and her boyfriend in love?"

I didn't have to think much this time either. "Yes, I'm pretty sure." I paused, looking at the girl thoughtfully. "What's wrong, Jane?"

She shrugged, exhaling. "Just wondering if mom ever liked my dad."

Esme?

"He's an asshole, you know?" She laughed it off. "Okay, now I'm starving. I wonder if Ted's done setting up the food."

Smiling, she hopped out.

* * *

><p>My job was done. I'd cleaned up like I was supposed to, and Jane was now wearing a freshly dried pair of panties and bra underneath her equally perfectly dry-cleaned clothes.<p>

But then Edward kept glimpsing over at me as I pulled on a jacket and packed my things.

I ignored the looks, but Jane was much honest with all this.

"Okay, Ted, if you want her to stay, then tell her to freaking stay." She rolled her eyes. "This isn't rocket science."

Yeah, I felt uncomfortable about leaving too.

Our conversation had just been halted, and not in a good place.

And I wanted to know – was Edward ready to talk, finally?

"You do know that dad's pretty darn pissed, right?" Jane Masen flicked her fork in the air, giving her brother a look. "You shouldn't have skipped the wedding last week, buddy."

Wedding.

This was new.

Edward quietly took a seat across from Jane and me. "They already had their wedding."

"Yeah, the first one was the Chicago version. The one last week was the Seattle version."

The siblings snickered together, and I couldn't help but join in.

"But that's okay," she went on, nodding nonchalantly, "because I didn't go either – the Seattle one, I mean."

Edward's face transformed into the cutest smile and he held out a palm.

Jane smacked hers against his.

I watched this in amusement.

"What happened?" Edward stole her fork and stabbed at some big chunk of meatloaf before directing it to her mouth. She scowled, but he insisted with a raise of the eyebrow. She ate. "Did he yell?"

She chewed meticulously. "He yelled, all right, but that's not why."

Edward leaned forward, tired of games. "Explain why, then."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"Am I an idiot?"

Jane's eyes narrowed; then her face and shoulders slacked.

"My school's semi-formal dance is tonight," she whispered, "and Dad suddenly said I can't go."

Jane started to tear up.

"Hey," Edward said in a low, brother voice, "don't cry over stupid things like that."

"But I don't want to live with him anymore," she cried, tears flowing endlessly. "I don't want to live in Seattle. I want to live with you, Ted. Can I stay here with you? Please?"

Edward's face smoothened, but his eyes went darker. He continued to feed her, good mix of proteins and veggies, and insisted that she had to eat because she was growing too thin.

"Jane, I told you. You have to eat."

"But I don't want to eat her food!" Jane cried, face turning red.

I thought I saw Edward's eyes water a little too, and I comfortingly patted down Jane's short, wet hair.

"When you're old enough," he murmured with a soft smile, "we'll go off on our own, together – how does that sound?"

I looked at Edward in shock.

Jane's sniffles softened. "Really?"

"Yeah. So stay strong, shortie."

Her mouth twisted down, and more tears gathered; they fell in big drops.

"Stop crying," Edward laughed under his breath, gently brushing the moisture off her face. "You're wasting your tears."

"Tears don't stop on command, okay?" She sniffed, pressing her mouth together. "And you promise, right? You're going to take me later?"

"Yeah. I wouldn't make fake promises to you."

And I didn't know why, but Edward looked at me this time.

Then fifteen minutes later came a phone call from Elizabeth Masen herself.

I watched as Edward snatched Jane's phone from her and took the call for her.

He put in on speaker mode.

And he spoke perfectly calmly and maturely for a minute or two, and I listened as I continued to rub Jane's back.

"Please, Edward," spoke the soft feminine voice – Elizabeth, "let me speak to Jane."

"I don't think she wants to speak with anyone but me right now, ma'am."

"Then, Edward," she went on, "won't you deliver her to us tonight?"

"Deliver?" Edward's eyes died.

"Yes," Liz said prettily, "and you should stay for dinner, actually!"

And so the woman talked on, her words and tone almost tauntingly sweet and motherly.

Edward rested the side of his face on the palm of his hand, bending an elbow on the table. He closed his eyes, and if it weren't for the slight furrow of the eyebrows, I would have thought he was blocking her out.

"Yes, yes," she said excitedly, "that would be the perfect occasion for me to apologize to both of you. Edward – by that I mean your father – loves to have both his children over –"

"Children?" Edward opened his eyes and arched an eyebrow. "Elizabeth, you keep saying that, but Jane and I are not exactly _children _at fourteen and eighteen. And thank you for the offer, but no thank you. I haven't tried your food, but Jane obviously hates it, and if she hates it, I'm sure I will too. Oh, and please tell your husband that I plan to take Jane to the semiformal dance tonight –" he quickly checked his wristwatch – "because she really wants to go. That's all. Bye, Liz."

"Edward –"

He hung up.

Silence.

I gaped. "Edward."

He smiled shakily up at me, as if he too was shocked at himself.

"Wow, you go, Ted," Jane mumbled, eyes wide and proud. "But Dad's going to murder you for speaking to her like that."

Quietly, Edward fed her some more, and Jane giggled with a full mouth.

"Stop!" she squealed. "Slow down!"

"You gotta eat quick, princess." He smiled. "Or you're not going to get to the dance on time."

"Holy crap. You were serious?"

He deadpanned. "No, I just wanted to give you false hopes."

Jane's eyes brightened, and if it weren't for the table between them, I was sure she would have tackled Edward to the ground in a bone-crushing hug.

"Oh! Hey, Bella." Jane turned to me with a grin. "You wanna teach me how to wear that makeup today instead?"

I looked from the girl to her brother.

Edward Cullen scrutinized my face, and I had to wonder what I looked like.

I wasn't searching for his yea or nay, but I could tell he wasn't saying no.

"Sure," I said softly. "Do you have a dress with you? If you don't, you can borrow mine. I have a few."

She perked up even more, eyes flying between Edward and me.

Looking away from me, he flicked a teasing finger to her sister's cheek. "Now finish your food. We have a long day ahead of us."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Thank you for lifting my spirits (teenage mood swings, I swear… It's spring break now though! Woohoo) with kind reviews/messages. Tell me what you think on this chapter (kind of a filler chapter, I admit), and I don't know if it's writer's block or just RL stress but I had a hard time pushing this chapter out… So feedback is especially welcome this time. Oh, and _Butterfly _will update shortly.

Five chapters left on this fic, btw! We're almost there, and I'm _so_ ready to push out those answers to y'all (like, next-chapter-soon)! See you.

Sarah


	40. Chapter 38

**CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT**

* * *

><p>Jane was surprisingly very picky about dresses.<p>

"Jane, we don't have a lot of time." Edward tiredly tugged his ear. "It's a long drive to Seattle, you know."

"Just a minute, I swear." Jane buzzed her lips as she stared down at her dress choices all spread across my bed. She bounced her knee, both in excitement and anxiety.

It looked familiar; I vaguely remembered my first dance, and smiled. "Hey, Jane, you can just try on your top choices if you're not sure. I don't mind."

She smiled widely. "You don't?"

"Of course not."

I tried to remember what the lady at the men's formal wear store at Aberdeen told me – the proper color matching.

"I think you'll look great in blue. Or purple." I nudged her with the dresses of those shades. "Restroom's over there. Go on."

With the most nervous smile, Jane looked at Edward.

Edward gazed through the ice blue crystal glass of my perfume bottle, blinking slowly, before putting it down and looking at us. I saw slight disapproval.

"Please, please, please?" Jane pleaded.

"Yeah," I said softly, "come on, Edward."

"All right, all right." He sighed, one side of his lips tipping up, and slid his glance off to the side. "How can I refuse my two favorite girls?"

* * *

><p>I nodded seriously and patted down the skirt part of the blue dress; I wondered if there was enough time to iron out that crinkle. "Looks good on you."<p>

"I really like it too; I think I want to go with this one. It's so… soft." Jane did a little ballerina twirl, arms and legs dancing. "What do you think, Teddy?"

Edward's eyes narrowed on her revealed thighs. "You might as well go naked. You're not going anywhere with that dress."

"Yes, I am."

"Who are you trying to impress? Should I be worried?"

"No!" Jane desperately looked at me, sputtering now. "Bella!"

I pressed my lips so they wouldn't twitch. "Well… Edward, you really liked that dress before. When I wore it to Homecoming. If I'm remembering this right."

"Yeah," he replied, "exactly my point."

I cleared my throat, stealing glimpses at Jane. I didn't think she caught that; she was too busy watching herself through the looking glass.

Edward's cool broke when his lips cracked into the tiniest smirk. He didn't bother to hide it.

* * *

><p>It all started because I asked Jane if she wanted to try on a facemask before getting her makeup done.<p>

"Stop laughing," Edward Cullen mumbled.

I was laughing. "I'm not."

"Shh," Jane insisted, also laughing, as she used my bobby pins to pin up Edward's unruly hair; the task seemed quite complex. "Stop moving."

Edward rested his elbows against the bottom of my bed. Our eyes met, but only for a second, because his suddenly closed.

He sighed this time, wincing as the cool facemask touched his face.

"Girls actually do this?" he asked, blinking up at the ceiling.

"Mhm – and Bella, you should get one too!" Jane started ripping open a new package, extracting a saturated white cotton mask from it. "We can be triplets."

I chuckled nervously. "No thank you. I'm good"

"Come on, Bella!" said the girl.

"Yeah, come on, Bella," Edward teased, mocking my words.

With the cotton mask flattened on my face, I carefully fell back on the rug. Jane followed, and she smiled at me when I looked at her.

I smiled back.

And Edward might have fallen asleep.

"Jane, is this your first dance?"

"Yep."

I felt somewhat pensive. "Excited?"

"Yeah. I still can't believe Ted's taking me. I think it's safe to say that I have the coolest brother." She kind of peeked at his sleeping form, and dropped her voice. "But don't tell him I said that."

"Heard you anyway," murmured Edward.

"Oops," she whispered.

Edward smiled.

I watched how my curtains threw shadows at my bedroom ceiling, the sunlight breaking in through the window.

I felt myself zoning out but also thinking.

This moment.

Right now.

For some reason, right this moment, wearing masks, Edward, Jane, and I seemed like same people – allies, even.

Weird.

I sat up.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Jane asked me, a little tiredly.

Edward inhaled and sat up also, rubbing his eyes and realizing with a slight jump that he still had the facemask on. He tore it off with a pinch, laughing through his nose as he dangled the mask between his fingers.

I shrugged. "Nothing."

I would have to hold onto that thought.

* * *

><p>This, too, all started because I offered to paint Jane's nails.<p>

"Promise me you won't tell anyone about this," Edward mumbled.

His eyes held a serious warning, but his hair was still pinned up so I couldn't take him seriously.

I threw my head back and laughed, the sound all hearty and loud.

Edward's toenails were shiny pink.

By the time Jane was rather expertly coating the pink with the transparent nail polish, she was sticking her tongue out and concentrating on the paintwork.

As we waited for the nails to dry – Edward turned on the fan and stuck his feet before it – we finished off the leftover crème brule from the party.

"This is good," Jane marveled. "Who made this?"

"Me," Edward and I said at the same time.

He blinked down at me, while I blinked up at him.

"Technically, he did all the work –"

"She's the one who told me what to do –"

We looked at each other again, this time a long time, and I thought about that night he told me about college and long summers.

"Whoa, you two are zoning out on me." Jane chuckled and gently placed her spoon and polished-off cup beside her. "Awkward."

Edward began to whistle.

I wondered if he remembered.

* * *

><p>Edward was right; we were running out of time.<p>

In a matter of minutes, I made sure that Jane's hair was teased into youthful curls.

For the last finishing touch, I ran my hand through her hair so the curls were naturally, prettily messy. "Do you like it?"

"Love it."

I sighed in relief.

Edward's grin was positively mischievous when he spotted his little sister. He'd been in the process of sifting through my makeup cabinet. "Who's this? What have you done to my sister?"

"Oh, shut up, Ted."

I smirked. "We haven't even started."

The girl sat herself down by the mirror. She blinked back at her reflection and then at me. "Make me look pretty, Bella."

"You already are," I told her.

"I second that," Edward said.

Jane didn't look convinced.

"She's usually right you know," he added significantly.

I painted Jane's eyelids peach pink and showered her collarbones with the thinnest film of fine sparkling powder.

"Done," I said at last and stood behind her.

Jane squared her shoulders and elongated her neck and back. She stared demurely at her pretty reflection, and I watched as Edward came to tower over her with me.

His eyes were soft and gentle. "You're going to be the prettiest girl tonight."

He consciously nudged my elbow with his – _thank you_, I was sure he meant.

I was torn between a returning nudge and a real acknowledgement. I did neither.

* * *

><p>Edward was going to be her date.<p>

Something about seeing him decked out in that black shirt, which was tucked in his slacks, and a belt, and then his sister in my blue Homecoming dress, made me a little nostalgic – reminded me of last year's autumn-winter.

Just as Jane pulled on her puffy jacket, I stopped her and handed her my gauzy cardigan instead.

"You're so nice," she mumbled, biting her lip.

"Not a big deal – oh, and one more thing."

I twisted her around so her back faced me and asked her to hold up her hair. I sprayed a smidgen of my perfume on the area where her shoulders met below her neck.

"You'll smell divine," I explained.

Edward sniffed her shoulder. "She'll smell like you, actually."

I shrugged.

It was as I waved Jane goodbye from my doorway that I felt devastating exhaustion and realized that Edward and I never really got to talk.

In fact, I'd forgotten about all the problems he and I had in the first place, as if we hadn't been confined the same room for quite a few hours.

I wondered why all day and all night.

And couldn't figure out.

* * *

><p>All nestled in a hoodie and wet showered hair, I woke in the night to the sound of my name being called.<p>

I was not surprised to see Edward standing by the tree overlooking the window.

I leaned on my arms and looked down but couldn't look at his face for long.

"Let me in," he said quietly.

It was really beginning to hurt now – this whole thing – this looking at him – this everything – and I was scared.

But in he came because I let him.

My room was barely lit by the lamplight and the Christmas lights hanging off the wall.

He was so beautiful in the soft orange light.

"How was the dance?" I started quietly.

"Interesting." He passed me my neatly folded dress and cardigan. "She didn't want to take them off."

I smiled fondly. "Did she have fun?"

"Too much fun. She got a kick out of showing me to her friends." Grinning at a memory, he toyed with all the little trinkets on my bedside drawer, holding and inspecting some longer than others. He looked at me, then. "Well, all thanks to you. I wasn't the makeup artist or the stylist. It was nice of you."

I offered him a seat on the wheeled chair. I sat on my bed.

And then we were talking about graduation, which was going to happen in two weeks.

And I asked him about college, to which he said that he was leaving town permanently just a few days after the ceremony.

The thought hurt but not as much as I thought it would; maybe I'd numbed – or slowly numbing.

Then he stopped talking, rather abruptly, although I had no idea why – but he was staring at my face, and maybe he saw something there. I didn't know.

I thought, revisiting the thoughts I'd tabled earlier.

Then in the most unaffected voice, I asked, "Do you think we'll ever work out?"

His eyes faded. "I don't know."

"Yeah, same."

I stood, my back toward him, and approached the opposite wall, nose almost touching it.

"Before you go…" My throat clenched. "I just need to know…"

Then it was something he said – a follow-up – that started a fight – a real fight.

Our voices grew louder and louder.

And suddenly, there was talking that was much too loud for three in the morning.

Then it was past loud – now yelling.

We were fighting, completely in each other's faces, unreasonable words hurting each other, coming closer, voice growing even more violently, me pointing fingers and shoving his shoulder, him glaring fiercely but taking each of my jab as if he knew he deserved every single one. It also felt as though he couldn't bear to touch me.

"I'm not saying betrayal on your part is cheating on me. It's putting someone else before me. But you, Edward – you did both! I don't think I can ever look at you the same way."

"I did not sleep with Alice – see? You have your own trust issues; you hurt me too. You were the _same_. RJ? Really, Bella? So let's say you never slept with him – how does that make a fucking difference?"

"What, you're getting angry at me for wanting more? You weren't giving me anything – you were just take, take, take. Royce at least gave me something, and for once, I didn't have to play the guessing games!"

Then came the devastating exhaustion again.

Back on my bed, I buried my face on my lap and knotted my hands in my hair. My breaths were heavy and stilted.

Edward found a corner and stuck out an arm on that wall, head ducked and hand palming his face.

Stillness settled between us, and stayed with us for a long time.

He and I had never been more out of words.

His honesty – just a moment of honesty – was all I needed.

But the minutes ticked away, and something told me that this was him adding another row of bricks to his already impossibly tall wall.

"This just isn't working out. Enough's enough," I said finally.

He looked at me abruptly. "What are you trying to say?"

"I think what I'm trying to say is that… I give up." I nodded to myself, letting those words sink in because they slipped out on their own accord. "I'm so sorry; I really am. But… you should go now."

Never had I ever told him to go. It was always me, going; it was always him, telling me to.

Maybe he realized this too, because instead of going, he came.

He came to me and dropped – _fell_ – to both of his knees as if in prayer.

"Bella."

I sat speechless and motionless.

"Bella," he called again, except sounding softer and more scared.

I didn't echo his name.

"Bella." One more time, pleading.

He reached for my hand, desperately shaking it to get my attention. It was as though he'd just realized that I'd turned away from him for good.

"I miss you," he said, voice robotic and dead not because he didn't mean the words but because he'd probably never said them to anyone before.

I didn't cave. I looked away. "That's too bad."

"I'm sorry," he went on; he probably never said that either. "I need you. Please forgive me. I just need… If you'd just stick with me – just a little bit longer –" He cut himself off.

He reached for my hands again, and I let him hold them.

He brought them to his face and watched me. "Say something."

Say something? Impossible.

"I need someone like you to be at my side. It doesn't have to be love. So please. Don't tell me to go. I don't want to lose you."

His words faded into faint murmured pleas.

His eyes were red and flickering and wet.

"I messed up, didn't I?"

"Too many times," I managed to say, eyes on my lap now.

"I lost you?"

He searched my face, and he got his answer.

Then he buried his face on my lap… and cried.

* * *

><p>I felt invincible.<p>

Merciless, even.

I stared right at his face, watching him burn and crash and cry.

Edward was crying for _me._

This wasn't the guy I knew, and I was terrified.

He asked for forgiveness, but all I could give back was silence.

The merciless part of me kept staring.

The invincible part of me made me lean forward and embrace his shoulders.

There were tears streaming down his face to my neck – this time, there was no mistake.

"Don't cry," I mumbled, stunned.

His sadness was bleak and quiet, and it was unsettling.

Each second, this heaviness in my heart grew more and more critical, and it was that and his crumbling grip around my waist that kept me from breathing properly.

"You can't go, not like everyone else," he said.

"You're the one going, silly."

His body slumped down, his face back on my lap. I stroked his tangled hair and scratched his head because I knew he liked it.

But he caught my wrist, his hand shaking with excess power.

I relaxed my hand. "I'm not going anywhere."

He squeezed then let go.

His eyes were wetter, redder, and sadder. And I was relieved to see that there was no brilliant smile or artifice.

His eyes and smiles – I would remember forever and ever – sometimes falsely bright and other times arrogant and smirking.

But tonight's was different and neither of those things; tonight's was honest and true and genuine and sincere.

Honest.

Honesty. All I ever needed was honesty.

* * *

><p>"You're gifted with a smile, Ted," she'd told him that summer morning. "Never lose it."<p>

It was supposed to be a nice summer vacation by the lake house.

The last thing Edward was able to recall about his mother was the way the bottom hem of the silky white robe swam against the shore wind.

"Bye, Teddy," she'd told him just before he left her to explore the nearby caves.

She'd hated the word – "bye" – because she'd hated the finality of it.

But she'd said it that day, and it certainly did ring with finality because two days later, her body was found, cold and wet and drowned.

* * *

><p>He and Rosalie were going to run away by New Year's Eve – see Europe, drop by Asia, maybe dawdle a little in South America if they found the time.<p>

They were going to leave everything behind, because it was hard to breathe in the little town in Washington. She had her scars too, and understood his like no other.

On Christmas Eve, he went to propose: a bouquet of roses for Rose.

But he found her with another boy.

He threw the flowers at her chest; her skin was left marked and bleeding by the rose thorns that pierced.

On Christmas day, she was found dead, alone and cold in a car. Someone had crashed and ran.

He never went to her funeral, because he knew that through the open casket, he would see the scratches he'd engraved on her chest from that other day – ones that would never, ever heal.

Sometimes, he wondered what she might have had to say because he never gave her the chance.

* * *

><p>When he saw me for the first time, he thought I had a cute, uneven smile.<p>

When he asked me out, he thought he and I would make a cute couple. He knew we would win best-looking couple.

When I gave him my virginity, he thought it was the craziest thing, because he didn't understand why I chose to give it to him.

Whenever we would have normal conversations, he loved that it was possible that we could actually act and be a normal couple.

When he asked whether I wanted to run away with him, he meant it.

When he said I was his, he meant it.

He told me he loved it when I blinked up at him, smiling and scrunching my nose.

He told me he really, really liked matching my shorter strides whenever we walked hand-in-hand.

And he told me some more until we were lying on the bed.

I fell asleep in his arms.

But I woke up to the feel of cold sheets wrapped around my naked body, alone and abandoned.

Next thing I noticed were the written words on my forefinger, and I ran my thumb over them first time, second time, third time, and endlessly more until his ink words blurred.

My eyes and nose smarted, and I quenched my fist.

Now we had honesty, but honesty didn't change a thing.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>I'm alive! I promised an update a longggg time ago to some of you guys, so I'm very, very sorry that I didn't. School is really crazy (it was AP exam week a while ago), and graduation is approaching (JUNE 8!) so I'm kind of in a daze right now (prom is today too, btw). Feels weird that high school is going to be all past me in a matter of few weeks…

Well! Tell me how you felt about this chapter.

Btw, I'm waitlisted to my first-choice university (although I have other great options). I'm pretty fucking desperate right now, so please wish me the best of luck :'). As funny as this sounds, I think that's why I couldn't focus on writing this chapter (I was forcing out the writing, so it didn't feel right); I'm too caught up on fucking college, ugh.

Anyway, don't kill me. And I'm incredibly sorry!

Sarah


	41. Chapter 39

**CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE**

* * *

><p>The strip of skin on my forefinger was getting pinker by the minute, as I continued to rub my thumb over it absentmindedly and thoughtfully. It had been weeks, but the words were still there wherever I went.<p>

Prom breezed by. Despite Mike's insistence on taking me with him, I remained stubborn; he went alone, and so did Emmett. Edward didn't go at all.

And now, it was graduation day.

_Hello. This is Bella. I didn't want to call in case you were busy, but I still thought you should know that Edward's graduating tonight. –Bella_

I sent the messages to two people.

I refused to feel bad today; I was done feeling miserable. True, it hurt that he left me in the middle of the night, dawn, whenever, but that was okay. I knew by now that a relationship between two people could never be perfect.

The bell tinkled as I pushed the glass door and stumbled into the cold store.

"Welcome," the owner greeted.

I nodded politely and went off to the side to scan the roses, sunflowers, freesias, and lilies.

"How much are these?" I asked softly, pointing at them. "I would like three bouquets of roses."

The florist scanned my formal outfit and smiled knowingly. "As gifts for the graduating seniors?"

"Yes." I laughed quietly and studied the empty store. "I guess I'm the last one in town."

"Kind of, sort of," she teased me.

My phone beeped.

_I know. –Carlisle_

_You're coming, right? –Bella_

When the bouquets were done and decorated, she gave them to me. I thanked her.

"How much?" I asked.

"Five bucks."

I stared, dumbfounded. "Only?"

She waved me off. "It's graduation day."

_Girl, I have your seat saved. –Carlisle_

I smiled at my phone and then at the florist. "Thank you so much, ma'am."

"Mhm. Have a good evening."

I thanked her again, really hoping that I'd have a good one like she said.

* * *

><p>"I'm so proud of you," I sighed.<p>

Mike gave me a dead look. "You didn't really think I'd fail high school, right?"

I rolled my eyes and gave Emmett and sideway hug. He kissed my cheek in response, and I tried to ignore how his mouth lingered.

"So!" I stuck my hands on my hips. It was weird – seeing them in caps and gowns. "Nervous?"

"Hardly. It's just a diploma." Mike shrugged. "Can't wait to get out of this place."

Emmett disagreed. "I don't know, man. I might miss Forks a bit. It's the only home I know."

As I watched the two bicker, Edward joined the group.

"Yo, man," Emmett said, nodding. "How you feeling this morning?"

Edward neither frowned nor smiled. "I can't wait to get out of this town."

Emmett smirked. "That's what Mike said."

The air turned awkward, and shaking his head, Mike promptly left us.

It was not very surprising – the _entire _school knew about the sudden feud between the two best friends. The animosity they had for each other was getting more noticeable day by day.

Emmett's face fell as he stared after the blond boy. After bumping his fist to Edward's shoulder, he, too, left.

I rolled my ankle and linked my hands behind me. I looked down at my shoes, and so did Edward at his.

"So…" we said in unison.

I cracked a smile and peeked up. "You're graduating, huh?"

"I'm graduating," he parroted, seemingly a little stunned this time.

"You passed Wilkins' class!"

He grinned. "I know!"

We laughed at each other's exaggerated excitement.

I opened my mouth to speak just as a group of cheerleaders launched on Edward's back, sending him coughing and reeling.

"Class of 2013!" the girls screamed at the top of their lungs, leaving loud kisses on his neck.

Edward laughed, carefully setting the girls down. The beautiful blondes and brunettes said their congratulations and started racing toward a different lot of guys.

I chuckled a little. "You have… something… on your face. Yeah, right there."

His face now garnered red, pink, orange lip marks of different shapes and sizes.

"Cheer squad's prank," he explained, rolling his eyes.

"I see that," I laughed.

He tried to rub the marks off, but the attempts were pretty much futile.

Just as he cussed under his breath, I opened my mouth again.

"Hey, Edward?"

His eyes warmed me with his keen attention, and it made me smile and frown and melt.

"When did you leave me that night?" I asked softly.

He straightened up and didn't look away from me. "Early in the morning."

"Can I ask you why?"

He dragged a thumb from his temple to chin and then stared at the lipstick on it. "I don't know. I was thinking, and… it felt like the right thing to do."

"What exactly were you thinking?"

"I was thinking…" He struggled with his words, because honesty was a new concept to him and he was trying – really, really trying. "I was thinking that _that's _probably all we are."

_I can't help but think that this is all we are._

They had been his words on my forefinger. I scrubbed them off in the first few moments after I realized that he'd abandoned me – because as easily as those words had made me mellow, they'd made me nauseated.

"What is?" I sounded impatient and choked up as I tried to keep the tears at bay. "The sex? The lies? The so-called relationship we have? What exactly?"

"Just everything." It sounded like a question.

"Tell me," I insisted.

He looked off to the side. "I was thinking that you were right. I agree – I don't think this is going to work out. I can try to tell you everything, but nothing's going to change. And after the ceremony, I'm going to leave town – forever – and I'll probably never come back for you. I won't."

_I'll probably never come back for you._

Those simple words were in a loop inside my head.

"What if I went with you?" I said out of desperation.

His lips pressed into a line. "I'm not good for you."

So he was breaking my heart into a million pieces because he thought I deserved better?

"I'll go with you. I can do that. We can work it out." My pulse picked up. I'd fight for him. "It doesn't have to end like this. We can still –"

I came short, because I finally saw – saw and realized that his eyes were telling me no.

"Bella," he sighed, "I don't want you to come with me. That's ridiculous."

It took me a minute to let those words sink in.

He was only eighteen, and I seventeen. I thought I could fix him now. I was wrong.

He surreptitiously studied the people around us, and quietly led me to a remote corner by the gymnasium.

"But I thought…" I shut my eyes and opened them, confused. "I thought we had a different… _new_… connection that night."

He just stared.

"Right?" I whispered.

"We did," he agreed. "But that doesn't change anything."

"I know." I didn't know what to look at – his face, his eyes, his neck, his gown – so I just looked down at my feet. "I know that, but –"

"But what, Bella?"

My eyes snapped up.

He was right. But what?

But I gave him everything?

But I loved him?

But what?

Tonight, Edward seemed much taller than he usually was; much more mature in the eyes and the jaw; much more mature in his talking tone.

I, on the other hand, just seemed like a petulant child, pleading and sniffling like a fool.

"Okay, then." I felt a little numb, walking off like this, incomplete and undone. "If that's what you want."

I fell apart just as I was certain that I was out of his line of sight.

* * *

><p>I narrowly missed the national anthem as I seated myself next to Carlisle Cullen.<p>

"Long time no see," he greeted me brightly.

"I agree." I looked over his shoulder at the program in his hand. "How are you?"

"Meh. You?"

I shrugged.

"You look like you just cried."

"How subtle of you."

"You're snarkier this time around."

"And more bitter."

He chuckled. "More mature, you mean. You've gotten prettier."

"Thanks – that you think I've gotten prettier."

Carlisle watched me closely. "You _are _bitter."

"Definitely, although I didn't, you know, cry," I said casually.

"Mhm. Well, I'm sorry that he… _yeah_…" He paused. "What did my son do again?"

"He broke up with me." I blinked. "But I broke up with him about two times before that, so. I don't even know."

He sighed loudly. "Interesting. You two remind me just how much I hated high school."

"Great. Edward and I are the worst clichés."

With that, the senior class President took the podium, opening up the ceremony, and the audience quieted.

"Carlisle."

"Yes, pretty girl?"

"Your son's one hell of a heartbreaker."

He grinned widely. "He takes that after me."

"I see that." I couldn't hold my tongue. "So if you don't mind, can you tell me why you and Esme got a divorce? Didn't you love her? Didn't she love you?"

"She loved me, all right." He shrugged. "And she was definitely my girl."

"And?"

"And that's that. She was the first girl I loved, and it never works out with your first."

But Edward was first everything to me.

Although my heart was fluttering like crazy, I calmly looked away and at the stage; Carlisle was watching me now.

"That sucks," I said quietly.

"Well, that's why it's first love and shit. It supposed to, you know, _not _work out."

I just nodded.

A while later, Carlisle tapped my shoulder. "More on what happened later, okay?"

I didn't answer.

I checked my phone one last time – no message or missed calls; Edward Masen never responded.

Then I saw Carlisle, who was even thinner than the last time I saw him, as he searched the section where the graduates were seated. His mouth slimmed into a handsome smile when he located his son.

He awkwardly fixed his tie. "Fuck this shit."

"It looks fine." I smiled. "You look really nice tonight, by the way."

"I didn't want to look like a complete idiot showing up in my usual jeans and shirt." He winked at me. "I look pretty sharp for a thirty-something-year-old, right?"

"Oh, yes, definitely. You pull off the look magnificently."

"Thanks. I'm a super-dad. I can do everything." He stealthily watched the parents at his sides. "Should I have bought some flowers?"

"What matters is that you're here."

"I don't know, Bella…" Carlisle actually sounded unsure.

A moment later: "Okay, now I think of it, even if I got some flowers, Ed is the type to throw them back at my face."

I scoffed. "Exactly."

He smirked and crossed his arms.

Edward might have lost his mother, but he didn't – not for one moment – lose his father.

* * *

><p>I wasn't sure if Carlisle felt sorry for himself or for his son when a Mariah Carey song came crackling out of the speakers and the soon-to-be graduates rose from their seats. They seemingly produced a rose from thin air, and the senior class sponsor explained what was happening as each student found their parents in the audience and handed them the rose.<p>

"These roses represent their thankfulness," the sponsor said.

Suddenly, with every graduate in a cap and gown scattered around the gym, it was very easy to see the one student still seated in the graduates' section – none other than Edward.

He twirled the long stem of the rose in between his fingers. He stared at the petals, and I wondered what he was thinking. He looked lonely.

"I wish I'd told him you were here," I told Carlisle.

"He wouldn't give that to me in a million years."

How was I supposed to respond to that?

* * *

><p>"Edward Cullen."<p>

Edward climbed up the stairs to the stage.

Carlisle cupped his mouth and cheered at the top of his lungs, not that Edward needed any extra voices; everyone was doing the same thing – shrieking – because Edward was Forks' athletic hero and that was that.

"Claim that diploma, son!" Carlisle shouted just as his son shook hands with the Principal and got the rolled-up parchment.

Even in the short length of time Edward Cullen walked across the stage, he got all kinds of catcalls and clapping and praises, all cried out from all corners of the gym.

Then it all stopped when the commentator spoke into the microphone.

"Edward Cullen will join the United States Air Force. He plans to go into basic training in mid-July."

There was an awkward pause, then shocked whispered words, and finally a new kind of applause – one of respect and honor – from the audience.

I was stunned still.

The United States Air Force? The military?

"Bella. _Bella_?"

My head snapped toward the voice. "Carlisle, did you know about this?"

"No…" He searched my eyes. "But I can't say I'm surprised. It's Edward."

Soon the rest of the students were called up.

"Emmett McCarty. Emmett will attend University of California, Los Angeles, recruited as the member of their basketball team."

"Michael Newton. Michael will attend University of Washington."

But I couldn't concentrate.

I just wanted to understand – to know. I just wanted to understand Edward's choices, especially this one.

* * *

><p>As soon as the ceremony came to an end, boys and girls and men and women showered Edward with flowers after flowers. I hadn't given Emmett and Mike their bouquets yet, but I couldn't make myself to go find them right now – I didn't want to lose Edward from my line of sight.<p>

So I held onto Edward's bouquet – one of yellow roses – close to my chest, waiting.

Edward, all patient and boy, wore a charming smile, saying thanks to each one who congratulated him and nodding modestly whenever someone praised him for his decision to serve the country. I could tell he was trying to get away from the crowd, though, with that way he kept stealing glances my way as if he was afraid that I'd give up on waiting and leave any second.

"Congratulations – officially," I said when he neared me.

Our hands touched as I passed over the bouquet; he could barely hold it in his arms with all his other flowers, most of which were given by his female, underclassmen admirers. My thoughts wandered off to Alice, but I stopped myself; she wasn't here today.

"I guess you are sort of popular." I tried to smile. "Some girls were crying – did you know?"

"You're kidding."

"I'm not."

"Stop making fun of me."

"I'm not!"

He smirked.

"Here, let me take some of that." I took some of the flowers, and he thanked me.

"My car's that way."

I nodded.

"Congrats, son!"

"Give 'em Air Force hell, Cullen!"

"I really appreciate what you're doing, Edward."

"Come visit, okay?"

"Keep in touch!"

"Forks High will miss its star!"

"We're going to miss you so, so much."

Edward answered each and every person with a subdued, handsome grin.

When we made it to the parking lot safe and alive, it was too quiet all of a sudden.

"So why Air Force?" I began nonchalantly.

His car beeped, unlocked, and he and I gently placed all his flowers inside. He threw in his cap and gown also.

I watched him, waiting, but he just raised an eyebrow.

"What's making you join the military?" I asked again, following closely behind him when he began walking. "Edward."

No answer.

I took in his form, as he continued to stroll off in front of me.

I really hadn't cried when he broke it off before the ceremony, but something was hitting me hard now; tears were dangerously close to falling.

This felt like betrayal, although it wasn't.

"Edward." I took a firm hold of his elbow and made him stop. He wouldn't turn, though. "Tell me."

He wouldn't.

"Why won't you tell me?" I sounded so small and immature, and the way he stared down at me made me feel that way even more.

"I'm joining because I like planes."

My bottom lip trembled. "I mean it."

"I want to be an engineer."

"You hate math."

"But I don't completely suck at it."

"But –"

"Joining the military has a lot of benefits, and I'm not ready to go to college."

"I didn't even know that you were considering this. All along…"

He looked away. "You're not going to scold me too, are you?"

_Scold him too? _"Mr. Masen knows."

His eyes shifted. "Yeah."

I remembered something about pre-law – what Jane mentioned a long time ago.

"Of course I'm not going to scold you." I held his hand, swinging our joined arms together. "I'm always on your side."

He pulled me close. "I know. I'm grateful."

I blinked away. "But wow. Military. That's… a whole different world."

He squeezed my arm and let go, distance forming between us. He did it on purpose.

"I'm supposed to meet up with Em and Mike." I pushed the disappointment aside. This was over – there was nothing to be disappointed about. "I have to give these flowers to them. Want to go with me? Say hi?"

"Mike?"

"Come on. Please? It might be the last time you guys will ever see each other."

He sighed, smirking, and undid a couple of his dress shirt buttons. "I'm not going to refuse you."

* * *

><p>Now late in the evening, the sun was setting, and it created a beautiful ruby-red, orange glow as its rays spewed into the classroom.<p>

It was empty, except for Emmett who was leaning on the edge of the windowsill on the far side, and Mike who was straddling one of the chairs.

"Ah, shit." Mike smirked at the floor. "Can't believe I'll never be sitting in one of these again."

"Yeah, man. It's weird." Emmett sat up, his face glowing when he spotted me by the door. "Hey, Bella! Edward, you're here!"

I hesitantly but bravely looped my arm around Edward's and nudged him close; he allowed me to move him with me easily, giving me his closed-off, mellow smile as he did.

"The Fantastic Four, united," Emmett went on.

I was rolling my eyes when a voice came floating in.

"Make that Fantastic Five," the newcomer said, walking in just in time.

"Hey, man," Mike said with a small smile, bumping fists with none other than Royce.

Royce was dressed to a tee, and he patted a dumbfounded Emmett on the shoulder and said congrats.

"You too, bro," he addressed Edward this time, eyes intense.

Suddenly the air was pressing in, hard, on me from all direction.

"Why are you here?" I tightened my grip around Edward's elbow – just in case. "How did you –?"

"I invited him to graduation."

My eyes snapped to Mike. "_Why_?"

My best friend began to tap a rhythm on the desk next to him, averting his eyes to the window. A shadowed look settled on his face.

"Hi, Bella," Royce said formally.

"What, you two are best friends now?" I hissed, glaring at both of them. "Since when?"

"I'm out."

My eyes widened in panic as I felt Edward's arm slipping out of my hands. "Don't go."

But his green, green eyes were heavy and bleak, and they made me choke back on my words.

Just as he reached for the door, though, Royce yawned.

"And I was _so _ready to tell you that Bella actually never let me touch her." Royce perched himself on the desk next to Mike; he smirked and crossed his arms. "I guess I don't have to explain myself anymore?"

Edward nearly slammed the door back shut as he looked back at Royce straight in the eye. "No, you don't, because it's none of my business."

Royce held out his palms outward in surrender. "Okay, then. Jesus, relax! I just wanted to make it clear. You happy now, Bella?"

I clenched my fists. "Ecstatic."

Royce leaned back, palms holding his body up. He swung his leg back and forth, at leisure.

"So we're cool?" Royce asked, cruel and teasing. "Edward Cullen?"

Edward snorted, just as cruel. "I told you. I don't give a fuck about what you do with her. Like I said, it's none of my business."

I listened quietly, feeling boneless.

Stop.

Edward, stop.

"Ooh, harsh." Royce whistled. "That's a not a nice thing to say about your girl, one you actually care about."

"I don't –" Edward, for a sliver of a second, glimpsed down at me. "She really doesn't mean anything to me."

Emmett, who'd been silent all this time, sharply looked up from his hands.

Mike smirked condescendingly, those curved lips hidden behind his hand.

"You don't mean that." Royce lifted his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You do _not_ mean that, Edward. I've known you since you were, what, fifteen? I know you enough."

"I know you enough too, RJ." Gaze unwavering, Edward slumped against the wall and crossed his arms and ankles. "I know you like to manipulate people into giving in. You should know that I would never."

"How stubborn." Royce sighed and smiled tightly at me. "You see what I'm talking about, right, Bella? So fucking secretive, isn't he? The boy never learns. But you're right, Edward – absolutely. I want you to give in for the sake of a certain girl – a girl who is, in fact, standing right here in this room with us."

"Stop."

It was Emmett.

Emmett popped himself off the sill, dropping his arms limply by his side. "That's enough, both of you. Bella? Those are for me, right?"

I wasn't quite ready to be pulled out of a daze but I tried to recover quickly. "Yeah, yeah. Here."

I might have been shivering a little when Emmett shimmied one of the two bouquets out of my hands.

Mike, too, gently pried the last one off, eyeing me seriously. "Thanks, Bella. I appreciate it."

I tried to ignore the feeling that everyone had their eyes on me – I knew it was more than a feeling, though. I also tried to push the anger and sadness aside – for now.

"No, thank _you_, Mike." I hated that I had empty hands now; I began to fidget with my dress. "For all the great advice."

He pursed his lips and nodded once.

"And Emmett?" I called.

"Hmm?"

Everyone's eyes were on my shaking hands now – I could tell – as I dug around my purse.

I took out a small box of chocolates and handed it to him. "I made them."

"Huh. Wow. Is today my birthday?" Emmett said in a daze.

"I just realized last night that I never really thanked you for pulling me out of the pool that other time."

Then I saw it: Emmett's stare flickering and locating something behind me.

"Oh. That. Um, no problem," he stuttered, shaking his head.

Then there was silence. It chilled me to the bone, and I absolutely detested the cold, brutal way Mike and Edward eyed each other. But I was also too drained to be part of the feud.

"I'll go now." I adjusted my purse and carefully avoided eye contact. I turned swiftly, eyes only on the door. "Bye, guys."

"Bella. Wait a minute."

It was Mike. "Yes?"

"Are you… _sure _it was Emmett?"

From where I stood, I could see all of them.

Emmett looked anxious.

Royce looked curious, amused even.

Mike looked strangely, exceptionally calm.

Edward stared blankly at his feet.

"I…" I whispered, confused. "I think so."

Something had changed.

"Really?" Mike spoke slowly, his blue eyes arresting and hooded. He leaned forward on his elbows. "Are you _sure_?"

"Well, that's what I was told… Right, Emmett?" I somehow sought for Edward's attention. "Edward?"

I'd never experienced heavier, thicker silence.

Then there was an earsplitting bang as Mike threw the chair he'd been sitting on to the side and went to grab Edward by the collar.

"You liar," Mike bit off, livid. "You _pathetic_ liar."

Edward's eyes were frozen, glazed.

I felt adrenaline in my veins as I rushed forward and pulled Mike by the waist. "Mike! What are you doing?"

Mike snatched my wrist, holding it up in the air. "Bella. Are you really that oblivious? It was _Edward_ who pulled you out of the water."

Memories came rushing back.

"But Edward can't swim…" I desperately looked at the boy I loved. "He's afraid of the water."

"He jumped in for _you_, stupid girl_._"

I pulled my wrist free, tumbling back in shock, as if I'd been burned.

Mike was fuming. "He _cried_, when he pulled you out. He thought he lost you."

The hair on the back of my neck stood as I watched Mike shove Edward into the wall again, yelling a lot of stuff; most of it I couldn't register.

"What the fuck are you waiting for, Edward!" Mike yelled, furious. "She's so miserably in love with you, and everyone can plainly see that you're in love with her too. When will you stop denying yourself? Just fucking tell her!"

Edward, jaw clenched, pushed Mike off. He was heading for the door, but someone grabbed his shoulder – Emmett.

"Let go, Emmett," Edward murmured.

"No."

Edward swung free, but this time Royce was guarding the door.

Royce smirked. "You're not going anywhere, kid. And Bella? Are you sure you want to let Edward go like this?"

I didn't know what to do.

Mike hurled Edward back over by the shoulders. "Look at me, Edward. I'm your best friend. You have to listen to me. That girl – right there – is and has been waiting for you to accept her. Don't just throw this away."

Edward looked like a lost child, shaking his head and eyes scanning every inch of the floor. He looked whiplashed and staggered, and this was not the guy the girls out in the courtyard were crushing on – not the guy I felt so defenseless with when we were together – and definitely not the guy whom his friends knew.

Royce just sighed, blowing hair out of his face, and looked determinedly up at the ceiling. Pensive. Exhausted.

Mike wouldn't budge, instead now tightening his hold.

And something happened because fists were flying, then. Desks were shoved, creaking as Mike and Edward swerved around the classroom. Emmett came running to hold Mike back, while Royce just calmly watched the violence unfold.

Mike was relentless, powerfully punching Edward right in the cheek, and charging like a bull. Edward was up for a match, too, because he was throwing his bleeding knuckles back in return.

Emmett yelled as Mike kept trying to shrug him off.

I heard more cursing and shuffling and yelling.

Mike got his arm free from Emmett, and bent it back to swing it forward – but Emmett took it to his palm.

And Edward. It only took one moment of him looking at me and me looking at him. It only took that much – seeing his eyes fall from my eyes to my nose to my mouth and back up – before I was alert.

_I have to go to him._

His name left my mouth in a prayer when a pair of arms circled my waist and tilted me away from the scene – Royce.

Although I could still hear the crunching and grunting noises, I couldn't _see _those two; that terrified me.

"Royce, let me go."

"Sorry but no. You stay out of it," Royce whispered in my ear, pushing my flaring arms down and putting him between the fight and me as if to protect me. "Listen to me! Stay out of this."

I could only catch glimpses.

There was an endless give-and-take between the two, each blow retaliated with another blow.

I knew. This had been building up for a long time.

Mike had waited for this, just as Edward had anticipated it. This was bound to happen.

And Emmett might be crying – I wasn't sure – but he was sweaty and desperate and urging. His friends were colliding and rushing and pinning.

Mike had a bruising eye and a busted nose, and Edward had busted lips and a fresh, sliced-open wound that cut down from his temple to chin. The front of Mike's dress shirt was ripped open, and so was Edward's at the neck. Their shirts, bodies, and knuckles were red and bloody.

They continued to hurl at each other, like cannon balls, bumping bodies and kicking legs as they turned and rolled.

Mike, fastened down on his back, shoved Edward off and stood. He shrugged out of his ruined shirt, throwing it, and spat blood on the ground. His chest was sweaty, and he was breathing loudly through flared noses and opened mouth.

"You know what's funny about girls, Edward? They don't gamble when it comes down to their feelings for a guy. They like to go for someone who's worth a shot. But that girl –" Mike pointed right at me "– she's willing to gamble everything for you."

Edward wouldn't get up; he lay splayed on the cold floor, his hair a complete mess. But his eyes were fired up and alive, and he was nowhere done fighting because he was now on his feet.

Mike smirked, welcoming the challenge, and threw a punch that sent Edward back to the floor.

"Get up, you motherfucker! Tired already?" Mike shouted. "You're a coward. You're scared of hurting yourself _and _hurting her. But you know what – that has only hurt your girl even more. You're weak – so weak that you don't even know how to handle your feelings. If you really don't care about her, say it to her face. Do it."

Edward lay limp and lifeless, arms spread at his sides.

I could see the tears collected in his eyes, and they slowly but surely slid down his face – first down his bleeding wound, then his temple, and finally his hair.

He muffled a sob.

In the sudden silence that took over the room, Edward's choking was more coherent.

The boy cried quietly, eyes closing and lips twisting. Endless streams of tears. Red eyes. Wet eyelashes.

Seeing him cry made me cry. "Mike, stop!"

Mike shut his eyes close, his coiled body at last relaxing. "When did you turn into this stupid, caged girl, Bella? Look at him."

"I wish I can tell her. That I want to be with her." Edward covered his face with his raw, bloody hands. He choked on his own tears, his breaths rough and uncontrolled. "I love her so much. I wish I can tell her, but if I do… I know she'll try to come with me." He rolled to one side, away from the rest of us, protecting himself. "And if I tell her I want it that way, she will sacrifice everything just for an idiot like me. So I can't. I can't."

The last two words hovered in the air.

_I can't._

_I can't_

_I can't._

Royce's arms loosened around me. "Go, Bella."

I went.

Edward rose to his feet and fixed his shirt, patting it down. He wiped the blood off his face with one good swipe.

I'd seen so much of the blankness, the hollowness in Edward Cullen's eyes – but nothing like this.

This boy was so far gone, and he wasn't even blinded by anger – just numbed, it seemed to be.

He slowly swung an arm around, stretching it, and cracked his neck. "I know you've been waiting for this, Mike. Go for it. I'm ready whenever you are."

Head ducked, eyes brimmed with tears, I placed my hands over his chest. "Don't."

He gently tore my hands off, his fingers circling my wrists. I clamped my lips tight, just shaking my head over and over.

"I'm sorry," he told me, almost a whisper.

I twisted my head down just as fat, warm, sticky tears came tumbling down my cheeks. My head hurt, and Mike was right. It was not just Edward; it was both of us that were fucked up and stupid and weak and scared and mistaken.

We let each other down all the time.

I began to sob into Edward's chest, hiding myself there.

Edward couldn't even hug me back, his arms just hanging at our sides, but he didn't push me away.

The fire in the room had finally burned out.

Everything slowed into a hypnotic, tender lull, and everyone harbored a kind of emptiness in their eyes.

It wasn't until the suspecting teachers came running into the room that we were able to do anything.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE: <strong>Is everyone still hating Edward now? I'm thinking that perhaps some of your opinions have changed… Let me know!

Sarah


	42. Chapter 42

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Hey everyone! Sorry this isn't a chapter. And sorry again that I haven't updated for so long. Please read on!

It's that college is really busy as I am getting accustomed to a new lifestyle (college is incredible, by the way). I really, really hope I get to update soon; I will never abandon this story or the Twilight fanfiction fandom. I hope you all understand.

On a happier note though: I was taken off the wait list (if you guys remember) of my first choice university and am now happily attending said university. I'm living the dream. Thank you to everyone who wished me luck!

See you all real soon!

AWA's Bella and Edward miss you.

Sarah


End file.
